"Dear Martha, Good Show... Corny Ending" - 
by
The Primarius crew gathered a little group of kids and Howie gave a sweet reading of their updated "Beanstalk." The kids seemed to enjoy both the story and Howie, so it was off to the printers. Meanwhile, Primarius's leader Jeff was issuing Primarius Directives. "Dawn, you will read. You will not sit down with the kids, you will stand. We don't need a likable reader to the kids, we need you to be a powerful presence to the executives. Listen to me, I don't care what you think. Shut up. I don't care what you're trying to do, you're failing. I'm going to go take a shower." To Dawn's credit, she held her ground and asked Jeff if he'd like to pick out her clothes as well. The other wimps on her team stood by in silence while this ogre berated little Dawn. "You, Shawn-Suze-Orman, you will read the book now. Dawn, you will do nothing." Jeff then stripped down to shower, revealing his lederhosen and nipple clamps, pulled out a cat-o-nine tails buttplug and forced Jim to flog him 11 times. "Mach Schnell!"
The presentation to the kids went smoothly for both teams, but Howie from the business type Primarius crew seemed to connect better than Shawn-Suze-Orman did. Immediately thereafter, the Random House judges met with Martha to make their decision. Straight from Downeast Maine, Chip from the publisher exclaimed, "Mah-tha, err-ah, we hahve chosen a winnah! Err-ah, the winnah is Primah-rius!" Not much of a surprise, as they did a cute rendition of the "Beanstalk" tale whereas Matchstick wrote an evil, unfunny, antiestablishment version of an already Grim(m) story.
As reward, Primarius enjoyed a sushi dinner with Martha prepared by some sushi master. In her first pure Martha moment, she informed us that the wasabi on the table was fresh and that it only grows under running water. "A wasabi farm is beautiful," she noted. Finally, a point in the show when Martha made us viewers feel inadequate for never visiting a true wasabi farm in Japan and receiving the VIP tour. Thanks Martha! Now I know my place.
Before the dreaded conference room session, Jeff was trying to sway his teammates to pick on Dawn. Why Dawn? Because she had the audacity to eat a banana before the first test reading of the horrible story. And for being negative towards Jeff's reign of terror and also towards his terrible story. Amazingly, Jeff had some support. In the conference room, Martha pointed out that the story was the main problem and began asking who was responsible. Project Manager Jeff called out Dawn, Dawn called out Jeff, Jim called out Jeff, and Bethenny called out Dawn, blah, blah, blah. Then it happened - the terrible Apprentice dub in! Yes, just like Trump's show, this one dubbed in Martha stating her piece and asking Jeff to pick two others to join him on the chopping block. He, of course, chose Jim and Dawn.
In deliberation, Charles said his pick to go was easy - Jeff. Alexis argued his point and was leaning towards Dawn. Oh Martha, what are you gonna do?! They called in the three and Jim, sounding like Dennis Leary for some reason, really ripped into Jeff. His reasoning was that Jeff was smarter and better equipped than Dawn, so he wanted him gone ASAP. Jeff countered saying that Jim is a hyper menace and a major distraction. Dawn escaped both men's wrath and then it was time for Martha to make her decision. "The story did not connect with kids and the message was off. Jeff, you just don't fit in... Goodbye."
She pulled out a piece of paper and pen and wrote Jeff a goodbye letter. "Dear Jeff, it is with heavy heart that I write this to you as you simply did not fit in." She actually wrote a full page letter to Jeff, apologizing and wishing him good luck in life. It was kind of like the end of the A Team and other Stephen J. Cannell shows when he wrote that letter and tossed if off his typewriter. Except this was even lamer. It did not, however, ruin what was an excellent premiere of Apprentice Martha Stewart.
Dear Martha,
My recap is now complete and while I know it is nowhere near your standards, I only hope that you can find something worthy of your beauty and brilliance within.
Cordially,
sg-dub.
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Comments
dear sg-dub,
what really bugged me about this show is that carrie is supposedly a creative director, and yet she put herself on the corporate team.
wassupwidat?
cordially,
copygodd
p.s. great recap.
Posted by: copygodd | September 22, 2005 3:20 PM(#1 of 31)
A fantastic synopsis ... didn't Jim star in "American Psycho" a real warm guy!
Pretty much the same show as The Donalds' ... can't really see an audience for both ... I'll stick with the original.
Posted by: Jim | September 22, 2005 3:36 PM(#2 of 31)
Ew! Ew! Ew! Dawn was a nasty crotch that wasn't a team player. I know that Jeff could be a bit Hitler-like, but Dawn was an *sshole. So was Jim for that matter. Did you notice how they became catty and nasty so quickly? It usually takes the Donald's APPRENTICE a few episodes to turn bitchy.
Posted by: Judy Bernley | September 22, 2005 3:48 PM(#3 of 31)
Excellent recap! I was laughing from the moment I read about the homemade cream sauce ("...so much so that afterwards I celebrated by whipping up some fresh homemade cream sauce in honor of Martha. And then I cleaned up and went to the kitchen to cook something as well"). I only wish you'd written more about what tools the contestants are. Like that guy who said he's falling in love with Martha Stewart or when the contestants were at the publishing house, all of them started clapping when they learned the task. Those were the biggest WTF moments of the show if you ask me.
Posted by: Aries | September 22, 2005 4:34 PM(#4 of 31)
uh - who does say 'herbs' with an 'h'?
Posted by: sean | September 22, 2005 5:08 PM(#5 of 31)
I have not seen one episode, but does Shawn remind you of Jennifer Jason Leigh's psychotic character in Single White Female? I am waiting for the episode she gets her hair exactly like Martha's and becomes the Martha.
Posted by: British | September 22, 2005 5:10 PM(#6 of 31)
Is Alexi the next Melissa Rivers?
Posted by: XETMOT | September 22, 2005 5:37 PM(#7 of 31)
Wow that picture really does look like Suze Orman
Posted by: runswithscissors | September 22, 2005 8:21 PM(#8 of 31)
Dear sg-dub,
Thank you for making me laugh so hard I snorted.
Cordially,
mountain girl
Posted by: mountain girl | September 22, 2005 8:56 PM(#9 of 31)
You had me at "homemade cream sauce". That girl looks EXACTLY like Suze Orman - freaky. Excellent recap, thanks.
Posted by: bdos88 | September 22, 2005 10:27 PM(#10 of 31)
Great recap -- you hit on all the points that made me laugh or go "huh?" though there was a lot more "huh?" than laughs.
At first I thought Jim was trying to become this season's "character" along the lines of Raj, but by the end I decided that he's just that annoying 24/7.
It's not a perfect show, but I find it a lot easier to listen to and watch Martha than The Donald.
Posted by: Maura | September 22, 2005 11:44 PM(#11 of 31)
NB Martha Stewart (which i pronounce stu/WART) if you struck it rich gold-digging you are a pussy-made millionaire NOT a self-made millionaire. See the difference? You probably wouldn't since you yourself are a cunt.
Posted by: borgia | September 23, 2005 12:05 AM(#12 of 31)
Only when she didn't freak out at the end of the story-reading and eat all the children did I realize that WASN'T Suze Orman.
Posted by: Mike | September 23, 2005 6:21 AM(#13 of 31)
Dear Sug-dub,
Is that "OH-MAHJ" or "omidge" in your note to Martha re: her assistants? I want to be able to read your recaps in an authentic voice. Thanks ever so!
Bobbie
Posted by: Bobbie | September 23, 2005 6:29 AM(#14 of 31)
I was disappointed the show was SO much like the other Apprentice. Even the music was the same! At least Martha is easier to listen to. sg-dub, your hilarious recaps will keep me watching this rip-off show just so I can laugh out loud the next day. Loved the vision of Jeff in his lederhosen and nipple clamps. Genius!
Posted by: TV-Eyes | September 23, 2005 6:45 AM(#15 of 31)
Also, when Martha delivered her much anticipated catchphrase, nobody even recognized it for what it was. Jeff didn't realized he was fired til she awkwardly said "Goodbye."
I expected better from you, Martha. You let me down.
Posted by: TV-Eyes | September 23, 2005 6:51 AM(#16 of 31)
"the only flavor present in the bunch was Vietnamese Jennifer. And something tells me she's not exactly going to be 'keeping it real,' as it were."
I'm sure the candiDATES will be challenged to plow a rice patty or give *The Marthandroid a mani-peti or do some really hard math. Then it'll be Jennifer's time to shine.
*What do you think of the phrase Marthandroid? eh? eh? Cuz if this bitch aint a match for the Chenbot, who is?
Posted by: E.B. | September 23, 2005 7:47 AM(#17 of 31)
>
brits. and me, since i'm married to one. best used extensively on passover for added seder hilarity: "bitter *h*erbs".
Posted by: lurker | September 23, 2005 8:35 AM(#18 of 31)
p.s. the above was supposed to be an answer to: "who does say 'herbs' with an 'h'?"
Posted by: lurker | September 23, 2005 8:36 AM(#19 of 31)
Dear sg-dub,
Thank you for making me pee in my pants, just a little bit.
Cordially,
Shelley
Posted by: shelley | September 23, 2005 8:55 AM(#20 of 31)
seriously, i have read this recap three times now. it is fantastic, and QUITE funny.
good work, except you made me snort out loud, and that my dear is not a good thing.
(and it is prestigous, not presteeegous, if you have any questions, you can reach me at my labor-uh-tory)
Posted by: jash | September 23, 2005 9:07 AM(#21 of 31)
Personally, I thought the letter was inspired. So very Martha--no matter that I just canned your ass, but I will write you an excruciatingly polite letter to show that you mean absolutely nothing to me.
Turn the knife, baby!
Posted by: dct | September 23, 2005 10:09 AM(#22 of 31)
Doesn't "Suze Orman" look like she just stepped out of "To Sir With Love"? All she needs is some white lipstick.
Posted by: TV-Eyes | September 23, 2005 10:54 AM(#23 of 31)
I too loved the homemade cream sauce.
Martha should have told them "Hey, this just ain't living"
Posted by: Marcella | September 23, 2005 3:24 PM(#24 of 31)
the next day, on her other show, the daytime one, which now looks alarmingly like Oprah's show, Jeff the loser was a guest. She was all sweet to him and he brought her a present, a paper quill (?) picture of flowers that he'd made from her instructions on another show. It was tacky.
Posted by: NegativeNancy | September 23, 2005 6:44 PM(#25 of 31)
I'm with you on the prestihgious, but, candidates? Isn't that how you're supposed to say it? Maybe it's a regional thing, but that's the only way I've ever noticed it pronounced. Candidits? Huh? (And, not that Trumpie's the arbiter of all things proper by any means, but I'm watching TA: Donald right now, and he pronounces it the same way, too. So, I'm thinking the dits/dates thing must just be a regional accent issue . . . "candidits" sounds much like "nucular" to my ear"). Now, *H*erbs, otoh? Yeah, that's *definitely* a regional thing, but it sure ain't Martha's region, so knock it off with the Madonnaccent, MDiddy.
[Oooh. I just checked, since I figured maybe it was we New Yorkers who were saying it wrong. (After all, I didn't know the "-er" in "drawer" wasn't SUPPOSED to be a silent -er until I was like 20). In all of the dictionaries I checked, -date and -dit are both listed, with -date as the preferred pronunciation. Neener neener. Don't hate].
Posted by: New Yawk Barbie | September 23, 2005 9:00 PM(#26 of 31)
Great Recap! one minor point, it is a Chevy Suburban she is driving not a Lincoln Navigator. Please, we paid her a lot of money for that product placement.
Posted by: SaveFerris | September 26, 2005 7:23 AM(#27 of 31)
I kept watching in anticipation of her ankle bracelet going off and swarms of cops pouncing on her. Perhaps in the next episode.
And FYI, Random House is supposedly publishing the Jack and the Beanstock book for some reason...
Posted by: Tootie | September 26, 2005 9:53 AM(#28 of 31)
So the guy wants to do Martha???
Would that make him a MarthaFucker???
Posted by: pl;ume | September 26, 2005 12:37 PM(#29 of 31)
The problem with Martha Stewart is that the has absolutely no charisma, she is completely wooden in front of the camera.
To pl;ume #29: no that would make him a very sad individual.
Posted by: Nigel Pond | September 28, 2005 5:31 AM(#30 of 31)
"Yeah, well, my first impression of Charles is that he's a tool. From the get-go, he held an unlit cigar in his hand as a prop. Does George need a prop? Nooooooooo. Conclusion: Charles has a small penis."
LMAO...PRICELESS.
Posted by: Poloman | September 30, 2005 5:52 PM(#31 of 31)