Let Them Eat Really Ugly Cake - 
by
The team was divided by tasks and Marcella, Bethenny, and Dawn would be on point as far as the cake’s baking was concerned. Shawn-Suze-Orman would handle the research, which she immediately began by calling a “celebrity wedding cake designer.” Who isn’t a celebrity these days? Last week a “celebrity floral designer,” and now this. Anyway, the celebrity was none other than Sylvia Weinstock. Like I even have to say her last name… you hear wedding cake, you think Sylvia.
"Holy Cow!"
In fact, she is so famous, Shawn-Suze-Orman called her Cynthia a couple times on the phone. Sylvia specializes in high-end cakes for exceedingly rich people. And, like most things for the rich, her cakes are unique but ugly. In fact, her website plays up the pretentiousness of her business. After speaking with Sylvia, Shawn decides to go with one of her ideas – an off-kilter, asymmetrical, pink and silvery-gray oval cake. Brilliant. Only poor, put out Dawn felt the design was idiotic and would vastly limit their market – but she kept her trap shut, lest the others burn her at the stake. Such is the fun and constructive environment at Matchstick.
George - um, I mean Charles, visited Matchstick (I actually did write George by accident) and asked how things were going. Shawn-Suze-Orman, displaying perhaps the largest corsage I’ve ever seen, brimmed with confidence: “If we don’t win, you can fire- personally fire me.” Oh, boy, now we knew they weren’t just going to lose, they were going to get trounced.
Over at Primarius, things weren’t as hunky-dory as we’ve come to expect. Howie blew a gasket because someone on his team forgot to buy a cake stand. He went ballistic, screaming and cursing at… Some woman named Sarah; calling her a liar for no reason. Yes, Sarah, the first non-Howie Primarian I’ve bothered to note the name of. Later, the two hugged and kissed and made up. Aww, that Primarius spirit – it’s infectious! After that spat, Alexis Stewart arrived in a sad looking maternity-bathrobe-dress frock thing and was forced to answer some questions about growing up with Martha as her mom. She appeared to be holding back a flood of tears and repressed memories, only offering, “I used to get screamed at for messing up the kitchen all the time.” Alexis, we’re here for you honey… let it out. Let it out.
Not that Martha is the worst spouse/parent on the show – that title is reserved for Jim. His wife did have a baby girl, and all went well. Not that Jim would give a shit, really, because he had a cake to sell! On TV! And a character to portray! He did offer the following remorseful comment to us, the viewers: “I feel a little bit sad for not being there.” A little bit sad?! I hope that newborn daughter of yours grows up to love you despite your flaws, Jim. [Original vindictive comment edited per popular demand.]
The next day, the Matchstickers who didn’t bake the cake got their first look at it and went crazy over how much they loved it. All except for Shawn-Suze-Orman, who didn’t like the design that she, um, designed. Right down to the pink bow she ordered. Jim and Bethenny then carried the cake out to the van to take it over to the bridal show. Much was made of this task, complete with a stirring score and white gloves on each of the teammates. Even David, who was merely guiding Jim and Dawn, had gloves on. No joke here… they just looked idiotic. The gloves did help, I guess, when Bethenny leaned on the seat for support and found out that the seat wasn’t so much a seat, but a full sheet cake. At least Matchstick can have a catchy slogan: Matchstick, Up In Flames.
Once at the show, both teams were having difficulty selling their cakes. The idea was to sell the design to engaged couples, and some random guy named Ryan… oh wait, Ryan is actually on Primarius. And he’s not Howie! Anyway, Ryan was trying out his best schmoozing, and selling cakes to couples. Matchstick was doing their best to pretend their gray and pink confectionary ode to the Guggenheim was “unique” and that the wedding with this cake would “really stand out.” Bethenny went on to say, “Also, if you rub dog doo on your head, you’ll be really unique and you will stand out.” In other words, they had no shot at selling that thing. Especially with the scarily dressed Shawn-Suze-Orman hovering around in her watermelon pastels and Jim doling out sample slices the size of Shawn’s lapel flowers. Man, this team can’t do anything right.
The guy named Ryan finally sold a cake to a couple that met each other online. Ha-ha, online couple, ha-ha. Aahh, that’s rich. Does anyone know that poor girl? Someone phone the authorities if you do. Just kidding… by the way, how many times do you think undercover cops end up meeting each other at malls thinking they are about to nab an online pedophile pervert? It must happen all the time. We didn’t actually see Matchstick sell a cake, but we did see several couples mulling it over in slow motion. The tension was incredible as each team made its way into the conference room.
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