Oh, For The Salad Days Of The Old Matchstick - 
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Hello, I'm back! With the seasons of the two other shows I've been recapping complete (Surreal Life) or pre-empted for the baseball playoffs (Prison Break), I've had a mini-vacation for this past week. And what did I do with all my free time? When I wasn't bailing out my basement (thank you nine straight days of rain!) or reading (ha ha, just kidding... Gotcha!), I tried watching the phenomenon that is Laguna Beach. I lasted all of five minutes... I simply just don't get it. Here's what I learned: That Stephen kid is a tool, that Jason mook is an illiterate buffoon, that Kristin chick has the ability to look condescending at the drop of a hat, and well, that I hate all of them. So I'll stick with highbrow fare such as The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. And this week, with candidate Jim still infecting my television, lowbrow is the new highbrow.
Ah yes, Jim, the guy who has an over-the-top statement regarding just about everything in life. The guy who is so ridiculously passionate about every mundane detail within the show, but didn't seem to care too much that his wife delivered a baby girl during taping. Immediately, Jim mourned the loss of sad-sack Dawn last week by pantomiming a neck slice while intoning, "Dawn is gone!" Lucky for Jim, he's not playing in the NFL as that is an offense worthy of a $20,000 fine these days. As if that weren't scary enough, suddenly the phone rang! OH MY GOD! THE PHONE! With a look of sheer terror frozen on the faces of Bethenny, David the Silent Croatian, and some bland blond from Primarius, Carrie sprinted across the loft to answer it.
OH MY GOD! IT'S LIMEY JULIA ON THE PHONE! (Get it? She's British AND she looks like she's always sucking on limes. Damn, that's good. It's LimeyJulia from now on... Must add new word to spellchecker.) There was some concern over the call, because LimeyJulia said Martha wanted to see everyone in the conference room pronto. But they had just left the conference room! What monumental event warranted their immediate return? Had Charles finally lit his stupid cigar? Had Alexis awoken from her slumber? No, Martha had simply decided it was time to reshuffle the teams, as Matchstick's losing streak had left them with a distinct numbers disadvantage.
Using a convoluted method, the new teams broke down as follows: Jennifer, Howie, Sarah, Carrie, Bethenny, and Jim were the "New Primarius." Ryan, Dawna, Amanda, Leslie, David, and Marcella; the "New Matchstick." I know, I'm thinking the same thing right now - "Jennifer? Dawna? Sarah? Who?" Turns out they are three of the random women that have been on PrimeRealEstatius all along. Who knew? Honestly, I watch this show more closely than pretty much anyone (it being my duty and all) and I can't for the life of me remember anything consequential said or performed by those three. And Jennifer is only noticeable because she's the only non-Caucasian on the show. (Unless you count the elevator kid with the stick we catch a glimpse of at the beginning and end of every show - I don't know about you, but I want to know about about the Elevator Kid) Now that the teams were completed, a tired Martha said, "I will say adieu and I will say goodbye." Not content with her odd bit of redundancy, she then broke into song, "So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehn, adieu! Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu!" If only.
Both teams were full of optimism that night when last-picked Jim decided to be an idiot again. Kissing his paltry biceps he noted, "I'm the strongest person on this team." Then he went off on some rant about how he's the "Desperado" on the team and how he simply "needs to win for his family." Oh, you mean the family that is one daughter larger now than when you last saw them? I especially liked the touch of him showing off the ultrasound picture of his new daughter - the one that was actually a week or so old at that point. Am I wrong for thinking the birth of a child should supercede a stunt casting on a reality show? Because there is no way in a billion years Martha would hire an ADD/ADHD buttwipe such as Jim.
The next morning the phone rang again, setting off a race to answer it. Remember when you and your sibling were like, six, and you'd race to answer the phone? Well, that's exactly what Ryan and Carrie did on the show. These people can be so weird - I mean, it's only LimeyJulia calling and she couldn't care less who answers the damn phone. What's more, this week was another VideoMartha moment so she had pre-taped her bit days prior. Actually, VideoMartha explained that she was attending to "Business in Bedford." She was "At the farm preparing new recipes with lettuce from her very own garden right there." Two things: how many excuses for, "my parole does not allow me to travel to the city today," can she come up with and, wow... lettuce... from her very own garden? Christ, I grew lettuce this summer and I don't know shit about gardening. (EdHill is a total garden nerd, by the way.)
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