On to the task: Each team would create, market, and sell their original salad dressing and whoever made the most money would win. Proving that Martha's version is the poor sister to Donald's, this week's sponsor was Wishbone, "A 300 million dollar a year company!" Pssst, Martha... If it's not "Billions with a B," we don't care. Each team would set up shop at a local(ish) Stew Leonard's supermarket and have a certain number of hours to ply their wares. Awesome, a chance for me to school you with some of MY local knowledge - enough of this LA dirt from J-Unit - Stew Leonard's only has stores in Connecticut and one in Yonkers. This is gonna be exciting! (Stew Leonard's is a step above your national chain supermarket, but a notch or two below the Wild Oats and Whole Foods of the world.)

The teams were whisked away to the Wishbone test kitchens in New Jersey and began their work. Each team had a resident chef (Marcella and Bethenny) and both leaned very heavily on both. Marcella set to work immediately and came up with a delicious spicy dressing, which relied heavily upon her Mexican background. The team loved it - if we've learned anything from reality TV this summer, it's that "Everyone Loves a Spicy Latina Salad Dressing!" Well, everyone except The New Matchstick's resident dominatrix Amanda: "It's green! It looks like vomit." Back to the drawing board.

Over in the New Primari - you know what? I absolutely hate the name "Primarius." I was really hoping with the reshuffle that we'd get some new names. I don't know why I hate the name so much... Maybe because it's the most Patentently Retarded and Idiotic Moniker Anyone Recalls In the United States? Yeah, that's it. Anyway, a very confident (uh-oh) Bethenny produced what she deemed an Asian Vinaigrette. Everyone Loves a Spicy Asian Vinaigrette! Not-So-Spicy Asian Project Manager Jennifer gave it the thumbs up and Jim confidently (uh-oh) set to work on designing the bottle label. The scene ended with Bethenny singing that stereotypical Chinese pan flute sound you often hear after a gong ring in old Charlie Chan movies. It wasn't offensive, per se, but I still secretly wished Jennifer karate chopped Bethenny in her peanut head. Cuz, you know, all Asians know karate.

Marcella's second attempt produced a "Rosemary Lime Vinaigrette" which was received with a very noncommittal group response of "It's fine." I bet LimeyJulia would have loved it. Despite the tepid reaction, The New Matchstick rolled with it and made their way over to the Yonkers supermarket to begin selling. The crowd response was overwhelmingly positive right off the bat. In fact, one creepy looking customer positively gushed, "It's got a nice tang and it's got a little bit of spunk." Ummmmm, okaaaaaay. "Tang?" "Bit of spunk?" Sounds like something they mopped up off of the floor at one of those Times Square video booths, but whatever floats your boat, big guy.

Over the Cross County Parkway and up I-95 to Norwalk, Connecticut, The New Primarriedwithchildrens prepared to sell their Asian Vinaigrette. Immediately, Idiot Jim played the fool as he thought he was selling some Cure-All Tonic at the 1895 Biloxi Town Fair. He was positively shouting nonsense about the dressing "Curing warts," and being a good medium for "Massaging your wife." Life According to this Jim is so stupid and grating, it makes Life According to that Jim actually seem funny. Jim's teammates were justifiably pissed off at his shenanigans, but PM Jennifer didn't try to control him. She claimed her reluctance to rein him in was borne out of fear - and I believed her.

Later, the Jim Show continued (after a highly ill-advised Red Bull) with such sales pitches as, "Wishbone! Wish I wasn't being boned right now!" Huh? I hate Jim. And so do the moms and toddlers of my fair state. You see, in a moment of extreme idiocy and Red Bull fueled aggression, Jim growled, "They don't have the f*ckin' balls..." He was referring to the New Matchstickers, but he did it within earshot of soccer moms and their kids. Kids were appalled, moms were aghast. One whiny hausfrau even complained to the store manager about that mean old Mango look-alike, Jim, and his decidedly non-Gold Coast Connecticut potty mouth.

The manager reprimanded Jim and Jennifer for the transgression and as a result, Jim toned down his massage and bunion pitch in deference to saying gems like, "Marinate your meats and pasta. I marinate my pasta all the time." Yeah, I really hate Jim.

Down in NY, shenanigans of a different sort were afoot. Leslie was going for a hard sell of her own - actually surreptitiously slipping extra bottles of their dressing in carts when no one was looking. While her teammates discussed the legality of such chicanery, they quickly learned the gig was up when cashiers returned 30 or 40 bottles back to their display stand. Yonkersites ain't that stupid, Leslie. [Aside: I do, however, still find it funny to slip adult diapers into carts of unsuspecting fellow shoppers at the checkout. Try it sometime.]

With the allotted selling period over, the New Primartians exuded confidence (uh-oh) and were full of pats on backs. Despite Jim's lunacy and Jennifer's ineffective leadership, they still sold a shitload of bottles at $3.99 a pop. Both teams strode into the conference room and took their places. In a particularly odd moment, the Silent Croatian was caught with a totally creepy grin. Since this was David, and since David is a weird dude, I shudder to think what was causing him to grin like that. Did he get a boner and was really enjoying the feel of the corduroy? Did he just kill a hobo? Did he lay a noxious fart and blame it on LimeyJulia? Only Silent Croatian knows - and you damn well know he's not sayin.'

Posted by on October 22, 2005 5:24 PM