Doin' It Doggie Style With Merv Griffin - 
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Another week, another ride on the Martha Rollercoaster. Last week, despite Jim's annoying clown act, the challenge and the show itself was pretty compelling. Perhaps because the show revolved around something Martha can relate to - creating food in the kitchen and force-marketing it to bored housewives. Before learning about this week's task, we were treated to a couple rather uncomfortable scenes - neither of which involved Alexis Stewart! But even before that, we had to endure yet another week of the insufferable Jim regaling the world with more blather. His Primarius teammates were all hoping to see Jennifer return to the loft having survived Martha's tepid "Goodbye." After all, Jim had been in the hot seat almost every week, everyone hated working with him, and he is a complete and total liability on every task.
But lo, Apprentice: Martha Stewart jumped the shark last week by getting rid of a decent candidate in favor of a stunt cast dickwad to create "controversy." But like Omarosa and Danny before him, Jim just succeeds at making viewers mad and angry at the show. Issuing hollow declarations like, "I warned Jen not to bring me in there with her," and, "These people are not ready for me! They're busy worrying about me and I'm busy worrying about winning!" No, Jim, you're only partially right. They ARE busy worrying about you alright - busy worrying about you losing another task for them. Jackass.
After Jim's little show, there was an incredibly annoying buzzing of the doorbell. Initially, the candidates looked terrified and confused that someone had come calling - geeze, last week the phone's ring caused fearful looks, this week, it was the ceaseless buzz at the door. BZZZ, BZZZ, BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Damn, whoever it was certainly didn't have any manners or patience. I figured it must be Jim's wife who had stopped by to serve him divorce papers for missing the birth of his daughter. Or maybe some wacky character lined up to test the patience of everyone as a sort of business lesson... BZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZ!
Nope, it's Martha Stewart herself! She surprised the gang with an impromptu visit and tour of the living quarters! Everyone looked nervous as they gathered around their Mistress in the kitchen. She asked the Silent Croatian what he'd been up to that evening - perhaps because she was still fearful of the future serial killer. He positively beamed, "I took a little nap!" Ok, that doesn't sound so creepy in writing, but trust me; it was totally childlike and weird. Martha then roared through the loft, doling out little passive aggressive Marthisms like, "Your rosemary is dying." She then tested some bedposts and countertops for dust and gave disapproving looks to everyone. She lamented the bunks and close-quarters, even comparing it to, "you know where." Oh, Martha, you so fuh-nny! You went to prison and now you're back on TV! She refrained, however, from asking Howie if he had made Ryan his bitch yet.
The next morning, Martha was clipping some bushes as she called the loft to tell the wannabes to meet her at 9AM at her Connecticut studios. Are we still supposed to believe that Martha actually prunes her own bushes, rather than the army of illegal Salvadorans we all know she employs for just such tasks? Cripes, Martha probably employs someone to trim her own unruly bush, let alone her gardens. Though I doubt it's a Salvadoran man - though that imaginary scene makes me laugh for some reason. "You simply must remove all the stubble. You simply must use the wax of bees from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. You simply must shape it in a perfect witch's hat for the Halloween season! Gaze upon my mons pubis!"
Anyway, we were treated to another awkward scene up at the Westport, CT studio. (Shout out to the Merritt Parkway sign I've seen a thousand times! Southern CT in the hizzouse!) Martha was with her dog and some ubernerd named Marc Marrone who apparently hosts some show about pets that Martha produces. This guy has his own show?! I figured it must be some public access thing, but apparently not. Marc and Martha were having a stilted and embarrassing conversation when Marc just happened to mention that the pet industry was a "34 Billion dollar industry." Alright! After Wishbone last week and its measly millions, we're back to the more Trumpish Billions with a B. The candidates arrived and Martha proceeded to explain the challenge. I only half listened as I was still reeling over the fact that this Marc Marrone guy has a show and not only that, but that it tapes in the same studio as Martha's cooking show. Eh, a little monkey poo never spoiled anyone's endive crab dip, now did it?
This is from nbc.com and explains what the teams had to do: The task involved dogs. Each team was to work with four celebrity dog owners to negotiate a personal experience with each of them and their dogs that would be sold at the Beneful Celebrity Dog Auction to raise money for a charity called “Broadway Barks,” which is devoted to homeless dogs and providing funds for New York animal shelters. The winning team would be the one that raised the most money. Thanks nbc.com, because honestly, I just didn't get all that from the show.
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