A Stain On All Of Humanity - 
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I've now determined the reason that Apprentice: Martha Stewart is tanking is because they've marketed it all wrong. NBC trumped (ahem) up Martha's social status and perfectionist ways; instead, they should have simply gone all FOX on the show and lured viewers in with promises of adults acting like complete and total jackasses. (Well, to be honest, since I have two dual input TiVos at the compound, I haven't really seen a commercial in about 2 years, so maybe they are.)
But judging from the ratings, I doubt it. That's not to say the show is all that good - in fact, it's getting worse each week in many ways. But, I'd bet if they went with more of a "Man vs. Beast 2" vibe and less of a self-important feel, the show would be doing better. (God, I still can't believe that camel beat the dwarves in that running race!) And this week, the episode featured such indescribable buffoonery, I'm not even sure I can accurately explain it.
Fortunately, TVgasm is so totally kickass we can just show you the clip, saving me the effort. But we'll get to that nonsense later. First, we must deal with "Mark Burnett ominous foreshadowing moment # 1." After Marcella triumphantly returned from the last conference room session by the skin of her cute little Chiclet teeth, Sarah and Carrie of Team Primarius were shown kissing each other's asses. "You're the best!" "No, YOU'RE the bestest." "No, YOU'RE the bestest times a googol!" Carrie promised Sarah to back her up 100% in her role this week as Project Manager and the two of them predicted victory no matter the task. Thanks for telling us who would lose this week in the first 2 minutes, Burnett. Thanks a lot.
The next morning the phone rang and Leslie again won the coveted title of "Ace Phone Answerer" for the day. I swear these people actually race to (and care about) who gets to talk to LimeyJulia every task. It turns out that Martha AGAIN couldn't join the teams to spell out the challenge as she was "riding in a car headed to a meeting." It was with that hot new company called "Parole Board," no doubt. You may have heard of them.
In lieu of Martha, the teams met with Peter Arnell and his creative team of DINK hipsters. They are advertising geniuses (or something) who would be judging the teams on their ability to create an inventive marketing campaign for a new product called Tide to Go. They would have a 24-foot flatbed "living billboard" with a stage to take to the streets of Manhattan, and would be given an art director and illustrator. The best campaign, which created the most positive buzz, would win.
Reminiscent of the W hotel challenge, they "brainstormed" for hours on end and came up with nothing. Hey Jimbo, aren't you an "advertising exec"? Couldn't you come up with something? Sarah threw out the idea of "Acrobats." Bethenny dreamt up "Coffee to go." More time passed. To Jim's credit, he kept having to remind his fellow morons that the product was a stain removing stick from Tide and that perhaps acrobats passing out free coffee doesn't exactly get that notion across. At this point, I enjoyed the background bassoon solo which, as we all know, is the universal soundtrack of "Stupid people with stupid ideas doing stupid things." Hell, even the name "bassoon" sounds silly. A baboon on a bassoon at noon in a monsoon. Heh heh, that IS pretty funny. Well, except for the whole "monsoon" part.
Juxtaposing the idiocy of Primairheadius, Martha dropped some knowledge on us regarding her highly successful branding. "I am a well know brand. My name stands for quality." She continued, "So much so that the Cartier of the cheap shit sector, Sears, recently bought Kmart, which sold my quality items. So, when fluffing my duvets, be sure to wear your Toughskins!" Meanwhile, Team Matchstick was also brainstorming with similar results. In an especially inspired moment of brilliance, Ryan blurted out, "We can build a big blouse with giant tits." I didn't get it either, but somehow he got away with saying that in front of his all-female team. That's the first real-world business lesson we've gleaned from this show; you can get away with a higher degree of offensive idiocy when you are attractive. Yay Ryan!
Just because
After getting his odd breast fixation off his, ahem, chest, Ryan spouted something about creating a boxing ring in which a "Tide Guy" fights off and beats up "Stains." His fellow Matchstickers were immediately taken with the idea, and immediately thought up the marketing hook; "Tide To Go Joe." At that point, the only reality show character with less personality than Survivor's Immunity Idol, Alexis Stewart, appeared and muttered, "I was going to come in and then said 'noooooo.'" The woman speaks one line in two full shows and it is a nonsensical and sheepish non sequitur. Yay nepotism!
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