A Stain On All Of Humanity - 
by
Over at the Primeariver camp, the gang was still fruitlessly brainstorming. The editors helpfully showed us a ticking clock in an effort to show us that time was a-wasting. (Gosh, if only I had that visual during the five days I sat on this recap, eh?) Jim the ad exec tried to keep his team on point, constantly reminding them that in order to promote the product, they would have to show the product. Such simple logical lessons were apparently difficult to convey to this crew. In desperation, Project Manager Sarah sent Howie and Bethenny out to a prop shop to "get ideas." My word.
"I gotta give this place props," guffawed Howie. Heh-heh, good one, but it's not like he could come up with a viable idea there, could he? "Hey, look at these boxing gloves... How about creating a boxing ring in which a 'Tide Guy' fights off and beats up 'Stains'?" Hmmm, yeah, how about that, Project Manager Sarah? Howie called her and proposed his synchronous brilliant idea. Sarah, being Carrie's pathetic lapdog, asked her master who simply wrinkled her nose and said, "No." Not that she had any other ideas, mind you, but that one simply didn't appeal to her.
Meanwhile, Team Matchstickitinyourear had already designed and developed the orange Lycra bodysuit for Ryan to beat up stains in. He slipped it on and came alive as "Tide To Go Joe," prancing and twirling about. "Wheeeeeeee! I'm freeeeeee!" Think Slim Goodbody without all the innards and stuff. And gayer.
The next morning, the Primareyeores still had no viable concept. So Sarah, taking control of her project, finally brought her troops together and declared, "Ok, our concept is 'On the go.' We'll have jugglers 'going' and dancers and an overall 'Action' theme. 'Come on in and see the To Go Stain Pen!" Needless to say everyone was rather underwhelmed - everyone other than Queen Carrie who just loooooved whatever Sarah came up with. Those two had their noses up each other's butts to such a degree, they called to mind that MC Escher drawing with the lizards.
Alright, so here's the deal. Ryan's "Tide To Go Joe" boxing match idea went off pretty well. It was exciting, sold the product well, and was actually something I wouldn't be surprised to see near Times Square. And then there was Primarius...
What can I say about their performance? I've been watching various reality TV shows since the dawn of the genre. My head is swimming with over-the-top embarrassing moments from the years; I'm racking my brain trying to come up with a comparative previous event. I can't. Watching Jim and Bethenny act like monkeys while scaring New Yorkers was unparalleled as far as I'm concerned. Not only that, their oft repeated slogan, "It's time for Tide to go" isn't even a positive message. Cripes, the Naked Cowboy was laughing at them.
I can't really do the whole scene any justice by writing about it... So here, enjoy:
Click on Bethenny to watch the video
Needless to say, Matchstick won. But I'll give that Peter Arnell guy some credit - he was actually rather Trumpish in his dismissal of the annoying mess you just watched above: "I was totally underwhelmed. That was the most pathetic display I've ever seen. It was actually damaging to the product and was a complete waste of my time." Nice.
So far, the rewards on Martha's show have been shitty to say the least. If they were "rewards" at all, they almost always have involved some sort of work. This week, however, the winners would enjoy breakfast with Martha at her Bedford estate! Um... yay? Well, apparently I'm the weird one for being unexcited about that prize. Dawna effused, "I'm overwhelmed!" Now, if Martha was splayed out nude on the table with breakfast items artfully placed on her naughty bits, then I'd be overwhelmed. (A la Adrienne Curry in Surreal Life 4, of course.) As it was, the team simply ate a fancy breakfast in Martha's garden. It was, however, not without its strange moments.
At one point, towards the end, Martha asked Marcella for a piece of her sugarbun. I immediately began singing Sheena Easton's "Come inside my sugar walls," and thought about "not getting none if you ain't got buns, hun," but alas, Martha's request was not so exciting. The billionairess, with a full staff and full pantry, actually asked little Marcella for a bite of her table scraps. Marcella reflected later, "It was UN-believable. I needed to pinch myself." Oh, senorita, something tells me if Martha wants a piece of your sugarbun, she'll give you all the pinching you need.
Can you smell what the Howie is cookin?
As Primaryshortbus entered the conference room, it was fairly evident that Sarah was on the hotseat. After all, she was ultimately responsible for the whole mess. And to be fair, as much as I can't stand Jim, he did try his simian heart out and did try to steer the team correctly early on in the task. In fact, the whole concept was SO bad, it woke Alexis from her coma long enough to utter one sentence! "There was no concept." Bravo, Alexis, bravo... Now back to sleep with you.
Charles actually ran the proceedings, it seemed, as Martha was too stunned to speak much. When she did, it was stilted and strange. Regarding the final product, Martha said, "You made something really, really, really, really unbeautiful." Geeze, give the woman an extra sugarbun and she begins talking like Jim. Jim's constant use of "like" every time he came to a pause, a comma, an ellipse, a hyphen, or a period is getting to be that I sometimes think I'm watching Laguna Beach rather than The Apprentice.
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