The gaggle of girls poised to throw themselves at the bachelor include Kara (a 26 yo MILF!), Kindle, not to be confused with kindling, Krisily, not to be confused with... prissily, Kristina, not to be confused with Kristine, Kristine, not to be confused with Kristina, Kyshwan, she's one of the only non-white folk on the show so there's no reason for you to confuse her with anyone, and last but not least in the KKK category, Kimberly, a bit of a hooch who hails from none other than Edmonton, Alberta, CANADA! Alright, Edmonton, representin! (Yes, I'm Canadian.)

But wait, what's this? Another Edmontonian on the show? WTF! This Jenny ain't from the block, nay, she too is from Edmonton! For the Canada illiterates, Edmonton is located in the province (we don't have states) of Alberta, which is right next to British Columbia, which is... oh never mind. Edmonton is a bit of a hole and its only claim to fame is this gigantic mall aptly named the West Edmonton Mall, and it boasts a water park, a theme park, and multiple outlets of the same store. Other than that, the city is known for its amazingly long and cold winters. Even Jenny slags it in her bio by saying the reason she can't meet a man is cause she lives in Edmonton!

Other girls on parade include Brenda who describes herself as foxy, but comes off more as boxy and Sarah B., the resident Bible-thumper. Yay, religion! Another Canadian infiltrating the scene is Debby from Thornhill, Ontario. Even I don't know where that is. What's with all these smalltown Canadian girls making it onto national American television? We then have Gina Marie, who is not to be confused with Teena Marie, though I bet the two of them could whip out a great rendition of Lovergirl. "I just want to be your lovergurrrrl!" If that won't win the Bachelor's heart, then I don't know what will.

They're trying to spice things up this season. Twist #1 is that there are no limos and no dressy gowns ˆ the Bachelor wants to meet the girls as is, therefore we shall wake them all up at 8:30am and give them a mere five minutes to get ready! Wow, this show is crazy! Some of those girls haven't even unplugged their vibrators yet! What will they think of next?

We were treated to scenes of the ladies getting dressed, brushing their teeth, and then running down the halls of the hotel to get to the big meeting room in time. One girl put on her bikini before doing her 5 minute sprint, while others barely had time to put on their underwear! I personally liked the girl who admitted to not having showered the day before! Yay to no showering!! "I don't run for men," uttered Danushka, the fashion model from LA, who strolled down the halls in her heels and shades. Show her a vial of cocaine however, and she's doing a marathon!

The girls all met host Chris Harrison who told them to expect the unexpected and that this season will be totally different from any other. You mean it might actually be good? Cut to a home video of Charlie talking about why he's doing the Bachelor and oh, meet my semi-famous brother that I LIVE WITH. WTF!?

After the video montage, Charlie comes out to meet the gals, who all sigh and swoon over him. I actually don't find him that good looking or great. How do they pick these women to make sure they would actually like him? Oh right, they all checked off "Desperate" on the application form.

We were then treated to a session of speed dating. No, it's not where you both do a hit of speed and then go have sex. Speed dating is when the girls had two minutes each to talk to Charlie and to try to make a good impression. Oh, and did we mention that two roses were up for grabs, ensuring the recipients' safety? Let the parade of pussy begin!

Anitra was the first to arrive, starting the two minute affair by announcing she hadn't showered yet. Great. That'll get you a rose. (Insert Napoleon Dynamite going, "God! Idiot!" here.) More girls filed in but it was good ol' Kimberley from Edmonton who sat on his lap with her shirt open and cans popping out. They played a cheesy game of Santa and Mrs. Claus and then time was up before he could even unwrap his candy cane for her to lick. Siomara arrived and the two spent most of the time trying to get Charlie to pronounce her name correctly. This was followed by an impromptu Spanish lesson to which Charlie looked at her and said, "Hola." He then continued with, "Burrito? Taco? Chimmichanga?"

Posted by on March 30, 2005 12:41 AM