The Bachelor: Welcome to Hoochfest 2005, Bitches! - 
by
Charlie then phoned up big brother Jerry, fresh from a taping of Crossing Jordan no doubt. "Chucky, you sound good, man!" Jerry quipped. Chucky?? Oh boy, you just KNOW there's a Seed of Chucky joke lurking around somewhere. The only advice that big brother could give however, was not to jump into the hot tub. WTF?Otherwise, it was a completely pointless phone call other than to be able to show a clip of Jerry O'Connell in the commercials in order to draw viewers in.
At the rose ceremony, Kimberley (who finally got to wear her lacey bodice) and Sarah B. were safe on the sidelines. Jenny mentioned that she didn't look like Kimberley (i.e. gigantic tits) and didn't act like Sarah Dub (i.e. throwing herself all over him). Jenny of course put it much more nicely, calling Sarah Dub "aggressive" rather than what she really meant: "desperate."
Charlie handed out roses to Krisily, Anitra, Sarah Dub, and Kindle (um, who is this person exactly?) The only one to leave empty handed from the ceremony was Jenny, who claimed it was "no big deal." She then broke down in front of the camera and proclaimed, "I'm not doing this! I don't want you to get me crying..." and proceeded to run off camera. Now we're talking! We need more of this running off camera action.
Afterwards, the girls ganged up on Sarah Dub, telling her to "keep it real." She then took her knitting needles and stabbed them into each of their eyes, screaming, "Is THAT real enough for you!?!!" Well, no. She instead passively aggressively removed herself from the conversation and bottled up more tension to be stored for next week's episode! Incidentally, next week's episode features Krisily and Sarah Dub going at it during a manicure session, as well as a fencing duel, and a revelation from Sarah B. about Sarah Dub saying Charlie already had a final four in mind. A surprise is also in store, but as we're finding, this show is one big cock tease with little follow-through.
In other news, I am off to Fabrice-land and will be absent from my television for the next two episodes. I will however, catch up when I get back, though I'm not holding out much hope that this show will get any better. See you all in two weeks' time!
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Comments
This. Show. Sucks.
It's over people, I don't think the franchise can survive after this, even though they moved the skank-o-meter up to the last notch for this installment. It was put on life support when Jen Schefft dropped the ball and made sure the final episode of her run was "THE LEAST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER", this series is the nail in the coffin.
Perhaps Terri Schaivo's parents and husband can fight over whether or not to continue doing Bachelor/Bachelorettes.....
Posted by: hazasaem | April 13, 2005 7:19 AM(#1 of 17)
Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that bump/ridge on the back of Sarah Dub's head? Is that from hair extensions? Tres tacky!
I'll miss you JB, but have a good trip.
Posted by: BronxNY | April 13, 2005 7:45 AM(#2 of 17)
"Kara, the single mother who was trying hard to channel Britney Spears circa Baby One More Time, said that she wouldn't want to date someone who hooked up with someone so quickly. Is that because you once did that, got pregnant, and now you're a single mother!?? "
So very, very true! Best quote of the article. :)
Posted by: Boondock Saint | April 13, 2005 8:43 AM(#3 of 17)
"Kara, the single mother who was trying hard to channel Britney Spears circa Baby One More Time, said that she wouldn't want to date someone who hooked up with someone so quickly. Is that because you once did that, got pregnant, and now you're a single mother!??"
Best quote of the article. So very, very true.
Posted by: Boondock Saint | April 13, 2005 8:44 AM(#4 of 17)
JB-
This is hilarious. I'm not even done reading the whole thing yet, I haven't watched "The Bachelor" since Trista and Ryan, but I'm lovin' it. Thank you for enduring the pain of watching "The Bachelor" so that we might have this awesome recap. Amen.
Posted by: joslyn | April 13, 2005 10:30 AM(#5 of 17)
He is such an oaf! Did you see that dramatic clap/kick combo he did after talking to the girls?
I can't wait to see Krisily in the fencing episode. Give her a weapon, and watch her go!
Posted by: Kelley | April 13, 2005 11:34 AM(#6 of 17)
Did anyone catch Charlie's insightful art critique about the "kids with their peckers hanging out" - but what did I expect...
Posted by: gt | April 13, 2005 11:51 AM(#7 of 17)
Did you see how they showed an old clip of Kara at the rose ceremony in the "coming up" part they do right before the commercials? I suppose since everyone knew she was going home, they had to try and trick us.
And why did Jenny wear a coffin lining to the rose ceremony?
Posted by: Victoria | April 13, 2005 12:26 PM(#8 of 17)
I haven't watch the bachelor for awhile... However I have a couple of comments to make.
Part of the fun of the bachelor is being able to see someone who you can identify with and how she interacts with the bachelor. I enjoy watching someone else make mistakes I have made from the comfort of my house. The fairytale element was so absurd, I could not relate to the show. As I normal woman, I can't idenify with models/actors. The shock value has worn out.
Most dramatic rose cermony ever.... use your superlatives carefully!
Posted by: brooke | April 13, 2005 2:04 PM(#9 of 17)
It's really becoming difficult to watch this show. Charlie is an all out tool to say the least. He behaves like a drunken frat boy most of the time and let's be honest.. he's not too attractive.
But I must admit, Krisly is entertaining ala Trish. I'm waiting for her to have a really bad group date at which she's completely ignored, causing her to totally spazz the hell out and have a nervous breakdown. *crossing fingers*
And the part about Kimberly attempting to be Samantha Jones was spot on!
Posted by: Nixah | April 13, 2005 3:01 PM(#10 of 17)
Why are the women upset when they don't get a rose? this guy is the biggest toolbag ever. I feel this show could be more sucessful if they had more avg. joe and janes on it, but then normal people probably don't go on national television to marry someone they've spent a totalt of one month with or something.
Posted by: curlypacks | April 13, 2005 4:40 PM(#11 of 17)
Could his call to Jerry have been any more staged, tacky or stupid?
Posted by: TinkerbellAPixie | April 13, 2005 5:56 PM(#12 of 17)
What??? That phone call was staged? To quote Richard Hatch, "We been bamboozled!"
God, I know, like Jerry just *happened* to have a camera trained on him at the moment asshat called. This show gets more moronic each episode. Oh how I miss Byron and Mary . . .
Posted by: happygal | April 13, 2005 8:08 PM(#13 of 17)
my best friend was charlie's scene partner in college...and i can say that he's never seen an episode. sigh. :)
Posted by: Stefanie | April 13, 2005 10:15 PM(#14 of 17)
How come no recap from this past week's show (4/18)???
Posted by: Jaime | April 21, 2005 10:50 AM(#15 of 17)
Krisily is a realty wanna be its pretty obvious / she is not even cute!! I have seen prettier girls all over RI so its weird that she won a pageant therem / maybe she had her mother blow a judge.
Posted by: jessikah | April 26, 2005 9:46 AM(#16 of 17)
Jaime,
The person who does our recaps, jadedbitch, is in France, but should start up again by next week.
Posted by: J-Unit | April 26, 2005 1:54 PM(#17 of 17)