This season is being billed as "The Most Romantic Bachelor Ever". Which makes me glad I haven't wasted my time watching all the less romantic seasons that came before this one. And just why is this one so romantic? Because it takes places at Paramount's Kings Island amusement park. Not really, although the way the French have whored up their Eiffel Tower with all the Christmas lights you'd be hard pressed to tell the difference. Especially women as well-traveled as this group. When driving by the Tower, one of them (I'm not sure which, and really, does it even matter?) screeched, "It's even better than the one in Vegas!"

Evidently, the producers have also found "The Most Impressive Bachelor Ever!" – Stork, Travis Stork. Graduated Magna cum laude at Duke, top of his class in med school and now an ER doctor in Nashville, where he's saved the lives of hundreds of people. However, as Host Chris Harrison later asks, "As an ER doctor, Travis has held many hearts in his hands. But can he handle 25 at one time?" Too bad Travis isn't an OB/GYN, because I'd love to hear where Host Chris Harrison would take that analogy.

Other than meeting Travis and the Bachelorettes (wouldn't that be a fun name for a sock-hop band?), not a lot happened in tonight's episode. The first 30 minutes were spent meeting 25 women. The second 30 were spent eliminating 13 of them. Oh, and some horny oncologist went batshit crazy because Dr. McDreamy wouldn't breed her.

While Host Chris Harrison and Travis wait outside the 14th century French chateau where this season takes place, the limos start to arrive. There are five women to each limo, which makes it next to impossible to understand a word they're saying as they pull up. Fortunately, they get out one at a time to meet the man they hope to bed.

First up is Susan, a financial associate, which to me just sounds like a fancy way of saying gold digger, but whatever. Next is Cortney, who calls Travis "Prince Charmink." I hope she stays, because her eastern European "g" should provide me with a lot of comic fodder. Kyle is out next. The only reason I mention her (because this is the last time she's ever seen) is because she's a senior copywriter, just like me! Alas, ABC calls her a "Copy Writer", which is a lot like calling Travis a "Doc Tor". Rounding out Limo #1 are April, who tried to pull a Cinderella and dropped her shoe, and Jehan, whose name sounds too much like "Jihad" to be taken seriously. Plus she sells vitamins, which everyone knows are totally overrated.

Limo #2 gives us Kristen, a drunk hugger with a teeth fixation (good thing this isn't The Bachelor: London); Jennifer, a model; Tara, a potential psycho and bonafide dirty girl; Venus, a physician; and Moana, who wins the prize for Busiest "Perfect Date" description: "Sitting in a museum, going to watch a hockey match, laughing on a street bench over coffee, flying a plane, listening to music, but most importantly, laughing", and Frankensteiniest "Perfect "Mate" description: "Looks like the '06 version of Gregory Peck with a little bit of the Knoxville gruff and has the wit of Luke Wilson, charisma of Tom Cruise, humility and strength of Robert Redford and the alternative edge of John Cusack." Hope she'll settle for Travis.

In the third limo we get Cole; the first of three Saras (although she's the only one without an H); Lisa; Princess, one of the few non-Caucasians who'll no doubt be gone by night's end; and Liza. All in all, a pretty boring limo.

Before the fourth limo arrives, Host Chris Harrison informs Travis that he needs to eliminate 13 of the women tonight. No pressure, though. The fourth limo pulls up and we get SaraH, a kindergarten teacher from Nashville, just like Travis! Kathy, a grad student is next, followed by Jaime, who says she's from southern west Virginia. Or maybe she said southern West Virginia. I honestly wasn't paying attention. Elizabeth, a social worker from Windham, New Hampshire, is introduced next. (Note to sg-dub: if the social workers in Connecticut look like this, it might be worth having EdHill make an anonymous complaint to child services.) The last bachelorette to emerge is Yvonne, who wins the prize for Best "Perfect Date" description: "Being with someone who did nothing to annoy me." Oddly enough, that's pretty close to the vows my wife wrote for our wedding.

The final limo gives us, in quick succession: Shiloh, an advertising manager and lover of private jets; Ali D, a professional NBA dancer; Stephanie, a PR director; Allie, a psycho oncologist who'd be more at home on Nip/Tuck; and finally SaraH-eh?, a student from Manitoba.

Posted by copygodd on January 11, 2006 12:32 PM