Wood You Accept This Rose? - 
by copygodd
There's probably only one or two of you that know this, but before I started recapping The Bachelor I used to recap The Biggest Loser. (And WWE: RAW, but I try not to think about that when I'm sober.) Anyway, just as one of the hardest things about covering The Biggest Loser was trying not to rely on cheap fat jokes, it's getting harder and harder every week not to rely on cheap sex jokes in my Bachelor recaps.
Heh heh. I said harder. Twice.
We start off this week's episode with a nice beefcake shot of Dr. McStork running (shirtless, natch) down a backFrench road. Happy now, Mom? In the chateau, Travis tells us his two best friends, Dr. Matt and Dr. Kevin, are in Paris to meet the remaining ho-pefuls, and to choose who goes on which date. Armed with a skeleton, alcohol and three engagement rings, they set out to see how the girls handle stress. It's like watching my honeymoon video all over again. Without all the crying.
They ask each woman to point out the largest and most powerful muscle in the human body. Of course, SaraH-eh? points to the general groinal area. Other guesses include the tongue, forearm and brain. All wrong, of course, as the correct answer is ass. Yes, the doctors were looking for ass.
Next they ask the women to pick one of three diamond rings they'd like Travis to give them. Some try to pick the ring they think the doctors want them to pick, while others (I'm talking to you, MOANA) go for the bling. "I’m as shallow as a kiddie pool," she says as justification. And as interesting as a box of hair.
Finally, Matt and Kevin ask the women if they have any special talents. A few highlights: SaraH-eh? did the splits; Susan juggled; Silo breakdanced (or is it brokedance?); Jennifer modeled; and PlainSaraH stuck her fist in her mouth. How ever will Travis' friends pick a winner?
Welcome back to The Delicious Dish...
After the interviews are over, the girls retire to the house for more drinking. Unfortunately, the Date Box arrives and interrupts their drinking. However, when Susan is revealed to have won the solo date, everyone else goes back to drinking. The box contains an envelope that simply reads "Open with Travis". Of course, SaraH-eh? is totally jealous, because she thought she was a shoo-in for the solo date. No matter, though, as Travis has already promised the first kiss would be hers. And we all know a doctor would never lie to someone he barely knew. Especially not one who's as interested in his groinal area as he is hers.
While Susan is happy about winning the individual date, she's also a little freaked out, as she knows she could be going home that night, ala K-Whack, she of the Billy-Bob teef. Travis drops by to pick up Susan for their date, and together they open the mysterious black envelope. Inside is a note from Matt and Kevin: "Nothing tests a relationship like finding your way through a foreign country." Ironically, this was also Matt's pickup line back in gynecology school.
Armed with a compass, maps and a dream, Travis and Susan squeeze into a tiny clown car. Seriously. I kept waiting for a line of bloody Wayne Gacys to climb out of the back seat. They need to navigate their way from the girls' house to the Café de la Paix (translation: Kitchen of the Pig) in Paris. Of course, they immediately get lost, although Travis does score points for stopping to ask for directions. Unfortunately, he lost all his points for simply asking "Paris, oui?" over and over again. At least he didn't ask for "direction-os to el Paris-o." Although that would've ruled-o. Finally, after three hours, they arrive at their destination. And how do we know they've arrived? Because of the jabillion shots of the stupid Eiffel Tower they keep forcing on us. Yeah, Paris has a tower. We get it.
In the restaurant, Travis tells Susan to pay no attention to the rose sitting on the table, which is sitting right there. Next to their dinner. "Just have fun," he tells her, before shoving a snail in his gaping maw. Despite her nervousness, Susan decides to take the direct approach with Travis and asks how he can still be single. "I can't imagine anyone not being aggressive enough to catch your eye," she says. "I don't want to ever be divorced," Travis answers. "I don't ever want to regret marrying the wrong person." Susan can't believe his answer. "Oh my god, I completely agree with you," she says, adding, "I never want to marry the wrong person either! Let's not marry the wrong person together!"
Back at the manor, the girls are sitting around the kitchen table doing what else? Drinking. And bitching about the one girl who isn't there drinking with them. DrunkTara and SaraH-eh? think Susan is there for the wrong reasons. SaraH-eh? whines that Susan actually wants to be an actress. The NERVE of that woman! Why, this accusation might mean more if SaraH-eh? weren't already an actress herself! (WARNING: Possible spoiler in link.)
PlainSaraH also thinks Susan is there for the wrong reasons. As is Moana. And DrunkTara. And pretty much every other vagina currently taking up space within a five-mile radius of the chateau. Maybe it's time PlainSaraH sets up a hard perimeter… around the Bachelor's pants!
Back at the Pig Kitchen, Susan shares with Travis how nervous she is. I'd think her pit stains were a giveaway, but whatever. Confession is good for the soul. "You're amazing," she gushes. "I like you so much, and I feel it so much, it freaks me out." Other things that freak Susan out: circus freaks.
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