You Guys (Drink!) Are So Amazing (DRINK!) - 
by copygodd
(Okay, so far we're 21 minutes into the episode, and there's been no reverse cock block. Still, since I brought it up, I guess this is as good a time as any to announce the winner of TVgasm's first-ever "Block That Cooter!" contest. With approximately 18 votes, more or less, Taco Blocko is the new reverse cock block. Let's hear it for alert reader OD-TV for their winning submission. A special consolation shout is also given to Champale for suggesting "Taco Block", although I believe it was OD-TV's creative addition of the Hispanic "O" which put it over the top. That said, there were also lots of votes for Cunt Punt and Hole Patrol so look for them in an upcoming recap. And who knows, if I'm feeling generous, I may just throw in a random Twat Swat or two…)
Stop! Mandanna time.
While we are still without a legitimate Taco Blocko, we are treated to our first shot of The Amazing Travis in his Amazing Mandanna, which is almost as good. He tells the women there won't be a rose in this group date, but there'll still be a competition: a bike race! The winner will get a special surprise later in their date. SaraH-eh? says that one of them has to beat Moanica in the race, because she's been hogging Travis, and that's not nice. Yeah, and SaraH-eh? would never hog Travis for herself. Moanica is psyched about the race: "I'm 'game on.' I'm stoked. I'm physically competitive. And I want this guy." And they're off! Tara gets out to an early start, but in the end it's Moanica by a large nose, which means she's get the special surprise. I wonder if it'll be anything like the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Special Secret Surprise?
Back at the house, PlainSaraH receives her Date Box and a card from Travis asking her to "paint the town" in Montmartre, the famous Parisian art district. Unfortunately, she can't pronounce the district's name, so it sounds like she says they're going to Wal-Mart. Relax, PlainSaraH. There'll be plenty of time for that if he takes you back to Nashville.
At the spa, Travis and the girls are having chicken fights in the pool. Tired of having a crotch at the back of his head, Travis tells Moanica it's time to her surprise: a romantic couple's massage. I wish I could get a better screen grab, because it looks like Moanica has a 'uge tattoo on her back. She's so crazy. I wonder if her brother Billy has a matching one? During their massage, Moanica asks Travis the question everyone's dying to know: why the fuck did he give her a rose? Travis tells her they have an intimate connection, and he'd have gone crazy if he didn't. At some point, though, she's going to have to open up about her past relationships. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's being touched by the gentle yet firm hands of a freshly bathed French masseuse, maybe it's Travis' unsubtle hint to shit or get off the pot, but Moanica decides now is the time to open up and begins to tell Travis about her life. "I had a very difficult childhood," she says. "My parents got divorced when I was young, my dad got remarried, and my mom went her way." That's it? That's what turned her into the Premenstrual Power Ranger? Like that's never happened to anyone else before. I hate Moanica.
Do you see? Do you see?
Out in the pool, the other girls are talking about how Moanica is fooling Travis. DrunkTara is particularly stunned by Travis' inability to see through Moanica's act. One of them realizes they can see into the room through a window in the pool, so they all start spying on the couple and get to see the two holding hands. This prompts a whole new round of Moanica-bashing. Later, when Travis leaves, DrunkTara sighs, "our boyfriend's gone." And then proceeds to drown her sorrows, in preparation for an ill-fated attempt to drown Moanica.
Strike a pose.
Later, Travis picks up PlainSaraH for their artsy fartsy date. As they wander the streets of Paris, France, PlainSaraH tells Travis the whole place looks "very French" to her. Other things that look very French to PlainSaraH: fries. After being pestered by every street artist they pass (including one who actually had to be bleeped), Travis suggests they get "un portrait." Unfortunately, the street artist they select just happens to be the worst street artist in all of France. Seriously. B-Side's drawings of Hell's Kitchen were more realistic. But he was definitely working that black hat.
Meanwhile, in stately Wayne Manor, the B'ettes are busy badmouthing Moanica. Jihad says she's "unstable, unhappy and depressed," and none of them can figure out what Travis sees in her. Besides his thingy, of course. Unbeknownst to them, Moanica is now standing outside in the hallway listening. Man, I bet this is going to turn out just like that one episode of Three's Company, you know, the one where someone overheard someone else saying something and then it was all a big misunderstanding? Yeah, that one. No worries, however, as the girls continue to rag on Moanica to the point where it's impossible for her to misunderstand their point: they all hate her. But that doesn't stop them from inviting her down to the Regal Beagle for drinks after they finish their drinks.
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