As the episode began, I again questioned why I had volunteered to cover this show for TVGasm. Oh right, I thought it might actually be GOOD. But alas, there were no Trishes to be found, and Stu the Stalker was dropped hotter than an Andrew Firestone fiance. Well, let's get it over with, shall we? The sooner the better, but first the letter...

The first task was for the men to write a letter to Jen describing why they would be the best husband for her. Most of the guys looked dumbfounded by this tall order. "But we don't write letters! We get by on our looks!" Everyone except Ben, that is. He took to the pen like Cyrano de Bergerac. They had only 20 minutes to concoct their masterpieces, and each letter was to be anonymous.

After Jen had reviewed each submission, she selected two winners. She appeared via video to announce what the first winner would be doing on his date with her. Wearing a FDNY tank top, Jen beamed into the camera and exclaimed that they would be taking a ride on a firetruck and meeting some firemen! Fabrice raised his eyebrows, wishing he had put a little more work into his love note. Firemen! That's hot! Ryan was the winner that Jen got!

The two zoomed through the streets of New York atop a firetruck, which is hardly romantic when you consider that the entire squad is riding along with you down below. Ryan made the acute observation that the sirens were on, "Oh look they turned on the lights." And oh look, they're stopping at this house that's burning to the ground. Oh look, you're sitting on the hose. Oh look, that's actually my hose. Hmm, with all this Ryan and fire department business, I'm having a deja vu. Aren't you?

The conversation Ryan and Trista, er, Jen, had back at her loft consisted of: R: To the letter! (toasting their wine glasses) J: To the letter! R: Thanks for choosing my letter! J: I liked your letter! R: Why did you like my letter? (This segment was brought to you by the letters L, A, M, and E.)

After their mind-stimulating convo, Ryan and Jen hopped into the hot tub, smooched, and yada yada yada. No, not "yada yada yada" in the Seinfeld way, but "yada yada yada" in the who-cares-what-else-they-did-way.

The second winner of the letter writing contest was Jerry. As he got dressed for his date, I couldn't help noticing Fabrice laying on the bed eyeing Jerry's behind. No word of a lie! Ryan made another insightful comment when he stated that he didn't like the idea that other guys were going out with Jen. Dude, you're on a reality tv dating show. It's not the Ryan and Jen Show. And if you don't like it, go! (Are my attempts at rhyme lame? Good, cause that's the name of THIS game!) Hey, I'm just putting you through the same torture I had to go through watching this shite program!

The date with Jerry included dinner at Jazz at the Lincoln Center, along with a private concert from...VANESSA WILLIAMS! No, just joshing with ya. It was some guy on a piano that my uncultured little brain had never heard of. Jerry told Jen he liked her and that he wasn't desperate. Dude, you're on a reality tv dating show. It's called "The Bachelorette" but it may as well be called "D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E!" He also asked if she was only doing the show to redeem herself after being publicly dumped and humiliated by Andrew Firestone. She retorted with a flick of her hair, "I'm only going to choose someone if it's right, and right for-ever." She actually spoke with a hypen. For - ever. Like, To-Tally.

The next day's Group Date was with Wendell, John Paul, Ben, and Fabrice at a pizza parlour in Little Italy. Wouldn't it be fun if Fabrice had won a date and it was to go with Jen to a gay club? We know it would've been fun for Fabrice, that's for sure. He's the biggest 'mo on the show! And yes, I wrote that purely for the rhyme.

Will and Grace actually had a bit of alone time to do some girl talk over pizza, though Fabrice was really eyeing the Italian sausage in the corner. He tells her that he sees Jerry and Ryan in the house and freaks out! Freaks out about what? That they're hot and he wants their asses? Fair enough. Let's move on.

Chris Harrison appears out of nowhere - mid-episode no less! - to announce a bit of a surprise. There will be one more individual date with Jen that evening, but in order to win it, the men would have to race each other to the Empire State Building and the first to arrive will greet Jen on the rooftop. How very Sleepless in Seattle. All that's missing is Rosie O'Donnell pretending to be her straight best friend. Oh wait, we have Fabrice pretending to be her straight suitor so, that'll do.

Posted by on February 1, 2005 1:05 AM