Open The Club Bay Doors, HAL(figer) - 
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But contestant Tommy sure is. Donning his favorite Doug Henning outfit, Tommy pranced and preened all about, taking charge of the Studio 54 project. He really makes me appreciate the reality shows with gay people on it who are - like the vast majority of gay people everywhere - TOTALLY NORMAL PEOPLE. Just looking at Tommy gives me a headache. Back in the premiere, he gave us the rehearsed quote about how the impromptu striptease in the house was a "circus seximus." Now, proving just how original and oh-so witty he is, Tommy babbled on all about the atmosphere of 1978 Studio 54 and how it was such a...you ready for this? A circus seximus! Ok, now I'm starting to dig The Cut if it's going to start using the Cutters' quotes against them to make them look foolish! There's hope for this show yet.
Extreme Makeover: Homo Edition.
And man, the unintentional quotation comedy then came fast and furious. Chris C, the intense dude who declared his billboard in the premiere "a monument to history" now termed his team's Studio 54 project "history, man." 54 teammate Christopher then bragged how he did a college paper on Studio 54. Err, say what? I totally studied the wrong major. (And look at me now.) Up at the Cotton Club, Felix was diffusing an argument amongst his team by telling them that, "the point is 'mute' already." Bravo editors, bravo. I love TAR and BB for this very reason and it appears that there's a silver lining to The Cut... Paper thin as it may be.
As the teams and their redesign ideas were coming together in the city, the show switched to some pre-party scenes out in the Hamptons. James and Jessica were enjoying themselves amiably enough, whereas Jeff and Princess were still prattling on about how great they are. Set up: complete. Team 54 sent Tommy Boy and midwesterner Julie shopping for clothes with which to dress their club goers. The two hit it off initially, as they both enjoy shopping and they both understood what club culture in the drug-soaked 70's involved. Then, suddenly, the mood turned ugly. Tommy and the retailer apparently began speaking in a new language unknown to the white bread woman: Gaylish. Julie tried to interject but admitted she was clueless what their code words meant. "She's from St. Louis," mocked Tommy. "Being from St. Louis is like being from Mars." Oh snap! Julie just got served!
"You LOOK like you're from Mars," came the witty retort. Now it was ON! To be honest, I happen to think they are both correct, but that's just me. From that point, Tommy became more belligerent and rebuffed any attempts at reconciliation. He kept up the insults: "Your level of talent is beyond mediocre!" Wait, does that mean that her level of talent is exemplary? Oh Tommy, even I apparently don't understand Gaylish! The two continued their bickering in the cab as Julie asked if everyone in New York was gay. Assuming she was in the Village then, um, yes, they are. Tommy then asked if he was the first black guy she's ever met. Huh? He's black? Damn, and here I thought he was only doing the gay community a disservice, now it's the black community too. Where's Jesse Jackson when you need him?
Back out in the Hamptons, where I can report that all the florists and caterers are gay, the party at designer Alex Garfield's house had begun. Princess was, according to herself, "keeping it real." James meanwhile was impressing Garfield and HALfiger-9000. Jeff latched on to HALfiger and annoyed the crap out of him with stuff like how they had the same initials and they could work together on a cross-pollinated logo or something. (I guess their last names both start with H or something.) He went on to say how he'd get hair implants just like him. And he'd begin talking in his monotone compu-voice just like him. Yes, Jeff is almost that pathetic. But Princess, being Princess, was the star of the party. There she was, splayed out on the designer's white couch like Michelle Pfeiffer on the piano in "The Fabulous Baker Boys." She was rapping/saying some narcissistic erotic poem silliness that brought the room to a standstill. Jaws dropped to the floor as the partygoers tried to make sense of this strange woman. Princess would be great in the Big Brother environment, so we could watch her pathetic self-destruction 24 hours a day. CBS blew it.
Princess, don't make a monkey out of me
The final day of designing arrived and Team Cotton overslept. Apparently this was all Elizabeth's fault so Shauna leveled this devastating insult at her: "She's nouveau riche." Oooooohh, burn. Does she kiss her mother with that mouth? Even with those gray teeth? Nasty. The day progressed fairly smoothly and both teams were ready for their judging. First up was Team Studio 54, who had adopted the theme of "Steve Rubell's surprise birthday party." Since HALfiger mentioned he was 54 regular back in the day, this knowledge of the inside should go over pretty well. (Rubell was the face of the club back then.) It was, of course, Christopher who came up with this idea since he knew all about the club as a result of the "Ethics, Mores, and Design of Studio 54" class he took on his way towards his Drug-Addled Clubs of New York Masters degree. HALfiger poked around the faux club, which was filled with actors in 70's costumes dancing the night away. It was as weird as it sounds. In the VIP room, he was seated on a throne and bestowed with a crown... As lame and corny as that sounds, it appeared that the designer ate it up as he grinned ear to ear. To me, it looked like he was doing an old mattress store commercial during "The Great Space Coaster." (If you're under 30, ignore that last joke.)
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