Tommy Can You Sew Me? - 
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In preparation for this week’s episode of “The Cut,” I dug out my authentic 19th century Little House on the Prairie schoolmarm wooden chair. It was the only thing I could think of uncomfortable enough to keep me awake for the entire show. Upon reading the description of this week’s challenge, I was heartened to note that it appeared as though “The Cut” would finally be ripping off “Project Runway” like we expected it to do all along. Oh, sure, the Apprentice atmospherics were still fully in place: the bustling avenue filled with taxis, the slow motion helicopter fly-bys above famous Manhattan landmarks, the steam rising from the sidewalks – but this week the Cutters would actually be dealing with – gasp – fashion! You know, the thing that we (and the contestants) thought the show would be about from the get-go. Call us crazy. Well, we viewers (which may just be me at this point) are crazy I suppose for watching this mess. But the Cutters have real incentive to be there, even in the subzero chill of mid-winter Manhattan. Hilfiger (or HALfiger-9000 as I call him in reference to his monotonous android manner of speaking), met with everyone outside in Bryant Park to discuss the next challenge. One (more) thing that makes watching this show difficult is that it was filmed during January or February when hats, mittens, and coats were necessary. It’s just weird watching the show now in July with a bead of sweat trickling down my cheek from the summer heat – oh, wait… That’s actually a tear now that I realized the show had only just begun and I still had a full hour to endure.
As mentioned, HALfiger gathered with the troops in Midtown Manhattan and laid out the challenge. He was wearing a big puffy suede coat and Ray-Bans, which made his movements as robotic as his voice. Surprisingly, no one called out HALfiger for looking like such a total douchebag. Each team would be given $1200 to design and create 3 dresses to be shown on the runway. Even better, each team would also have to beg a random NYC woman off the street to do the modeling for them. Okay, I can get into this… I mean, it is more along the lines of what I’d been expecting, rather than the “Pimp My Ride,” “Wickedly Perfect,” and “Extreme Makeover: Home Editions” I’d been enduring up until now. Of course, we’d also have the completely useless “social challenge” on the side, but they had to pick the teams first. Wes and Fey Tommy had the honors this week and the teams broke down as follows: Tommy went with Princess first (!), Shauna who was busy hawking up her lung, empty-headed Jessica, Hilstalker Chris, and Silent Rob. Wes countered with Deanna (who despite her over-reaching appearance, seems to be alright), Angry Felix, James with the hair, Elizabeth who no one likes, Julie who appeared to be going to JFK’s funeral, and unfortunately, Jeff. Yes, for the 2nd week in a row, the megalomaniac moron went unwanted by both teams. If he wasn’t such a terminal loser, I might feel badly for him.
Wes’s team was dubbed the Yellow Team because they were cowardly and Tommy’s team was to be the Blue Team because they were sad. Actually, no, those were the corresponding colors of their cutting rooms. I guess they thought it would be a unique twist to have entirely different teams from week to week but it just sucks. And speaking of unique twists that suck, it was time to announce the “social challenge.” Each team was to send 2 representatives to a private party at HALfiger’s store in SoHo. Why? Who knows? In the past, these worthless little excursions have provided us with some unintended comedy from Tommy, Jeff, and Princess. But this time, with Wes, Deanna, Chris C, and Rob going to do nothing more than hang out with some people, I couldn’t imagine it would be too exciting. At the least, Silent Rob would have to speak for once. Maybe. After some terribly awkward hugging, the four partygoers were off to buy $500 worth of clothes for themselves for the party. Gee, tough challenge there, HALfiger. Way to put terror in their hearts. For the rest, designing and creating 3 dresses was a bit daunting. The Yellow Team did not have a single person who had any experience with dressmaking. I think James sewed some pillows in a previous challenge, but that was the extent of their skills. Over on the Blue side, Tommy was glowing with glee; “We got this” he crowed. It turns out that this little fop is a women’s haute couture designer and his first pick, Princess, was a pattern maker. With confidence Princess explained to us, the viewer that shit was, indeed, “on and poppin’.” No way could these guys lose, even with teammate Shauna sick in bed and not participating at all. And especially with that cancer Jeff over on Team Yellow. Hey, Jeff, got any brilliant ideas this week?
Julie-Oh…no you didn’t!
“Da dress needs ta be sexy. Super short skirt and low cut top.” His pathetic nature is now just getting depressing. His unfortunate headgear choices continue to confound. His idea for the dress was met with stern looks and a universal “shut up.”
Over at Bloomingdales, the four partygoers were buying their outfits. There was a fear that Chris would buy pants 5 sizes too big but he did alright. Silent Rob, however, was having great difficulty spending the $500. Who knew this “social challenge” would actually be challenging? Rob was feeling guilty wasting 500 bucks on himself on overpriced clothes when he has kids at home who could use the money much less frivolously. Sadly, this is what passes for drama on “The Cut.” Eventually he bought some clothes but retained his personal touch – the hand painted t-shirt. Just keepin’ it real, I suppose.
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