The Cut: Just plane Beau-ring - 
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With Crazy Psycho Jeff getting cut last episode, I wondered how the show would be this week. I mean, that guy freaked me out and pissed me off, but he was fun to discuss in my recaps. With him gone, who would fill the void left by his departed lunacy? What would add excitement and unpredictability to the show from now on? Surely there'd be something. Lo and behold, my heart rate immediately doubled at the outset: The bottom quarter of my screen was filled with "Flash Flood Warning, Severe Thunderstorm Warning" and an endless crawl describing the terribly exciting result of water falling from the sky in large quantities when a cold front mixes with a warm front. I was mesmerized.
But unfortunately, there was a show going on at the same time that I had to pay attention to as well. Like all reality shows, the footage began at the moment immediately following the latest eviction. Shauna (Native American name: Waddles with Fox Coat) spoke for everyone, including me, regarding Jeff, "Thank god we got rid of that Bozo." Oddly, the conversation then took a turn and everyone lamented that Elizabeth was still around. Since day one, no one has liked Elizabeth, and I've never quite figured out why. Is it her Sally Jesse Rafael glasses? If only their reasoning was so logical.
This week's meeting with HALfiger-9000 took place at the Teterboro airport. This is, like, the 5th time that podunk little airport has been mentioned or featured on this show. HALfiger must get free drinks at the "Captain's Nest" there or something. As we've come to expect by now, HALfiger related his snoozer of a story to the remaining contestants. This week I marveled at the amount of overdubs that were spliced in to make the story more coherent. This made me wonder how truly awful his stories were originally, and what an ordeal it must be for everyone to stand there and pretend to be enthralled. This week, HALfiger explained that branding is an important aspect to any, um, brand name. And "Tommy Hilfiger" was no different - in fact, he even has had his private jet branded, which is apparently very important. So that's what each team would be tasked with this week - painting actual jet airplanes with their own take on the "Tommy Hilfiger" brand. Hmm, that's potentially pretty cool... What's going on here? (Aside from the flash flood I was awaiting, to sweep my house from its foundation.)
With two full days and $700 each, the teams broke down as follows: Team Orange Jumpsuit - Deanna, Shauna (Pirate name: Grey Teeth), Felix, Wes, and Princess. Team Blue Jumpsuit - Chris, Rob Walker, Elizabeth, and Jessica. Chris explained his first pick, "I picked Rob first because he's a painter." Technically he was right. But really, does painting sparkly squiggles on t-shirts and sneakers qualify him as a "painter"? If so, then I guess I'm a "Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist." Hey, that feels pretty good. From now on, please address me as such, thank you. HALfiger explained that each plane (a big, white G3 jet) should be painted in a "big" and "bold" way. "Make it great," he commanded. I guess I can't fault his limited vocabulary. After all, he is pretty advanced for a being half-monkey, half-robot.
After HALfiger tried in vain to convince Jess to join him on his jaunt (because apparently, not even a proto-simian BORG like HALfiger wants to be stuck with Princess for 2 days), the teams brainstormed ideas for their planes. Team Blue put their heads together and Elizabeth came up with the first idea: "Guys, I have to go back to the loft to throw up and meet with the doctor. Paint a globe on it." Strangely, the three other team members liked both ideas and Elizabeth was out the door and out of commission. Over on Team Orange Shauna (Doo-Wop name: Shau-na-na-naaaa) came up with the same exact idea as Elizabeth. So she, too, was out the door and into a nightgown last seen on TV being worn by Ann B. Davis. Each team was now down to three members - and they were supposed to paint an entire airplane in 48 hours. Perhaps affected by the daunting task ahead, Wes blurted out his idea: "Let's paint it like a big ol' bumblebee."
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