Ghetto Fabulous - 
by
Hooray for us! We made it... To the finale of The Cut. I'd like to thank both of you for completing this journey with me. Honestly, how many of you can say that you saw every minute of this show - through the five timeslot changes, through the month of NFL pre-emptions, through all the clichés and the silliness? We should definitely give out prizes to those of you who did. In lieu of that, I guess we'll just have to re-live the finale and discuss who and how the show's big prize was doled out. The show included another daunting task, two new hats on the head of finalist Chris, and a return of Crazy Jeff - quite possibly the most fascinating reality contestant of the summer. And that's not necessarily a good thing.
The finale began, as all derivative reality finales do, with a quick review of episodes gone by. I call this, "six minutes I don't have to recap." One thing they did do, which I appreciated, was to point out the times in the past when finalist Princess wasn't exactly at the top of her game. In fact, the review only solidified my "why is Princess still here?" sentiment. One other thing stood out - and it was pretty cool. In the premiere, HALfiger noted, "First impressions are very important." Back then he explained how people initially judge on how you look, first and foremost. In other words, ugly people need not apply with his company. The point here was, that way back when CBS thought this show would be good Thursday night primetime fare, the first three contestants who were selected for teams (on looks/clothes alone) were none other than Chris, Princess, and Liz. Hmmmm, I thought for a split second that HALfiger just cut people based on the premise that he'd want these three in the finals so he could be shown to be a genius prognosticator. I'd believe it, especially after some of the arbitrary and seemingly unfair cuts he's made throughout the season. (James? Wes? Deanna?)
Since Princess was one of the final three, that meant we'd get to enjoy more Princess-isms than in any previous episode. The girl has energy and the girl has confidence, but she annoys the crap out of me. Without a trace of irony, she lamented to the camera, "Why is Liz still here? She can't sew, she can't pattern make, and she can't sketch. Ferrreal!" Great, Princess, maybe you can get a job in HALfiger's Malaysian sweatshop sewing for 18 cents a day. Better yet, just use your sewing skills on your lips and the world will be a better place. Ferrreal!
HALfiger arrived at the final challenge to describe the particulars. It was nice to see the gang back in the more fashionable confines of Manhattan, rather than a trash barge or shipping warehouse in New Jersey. Oooooh, this week the Sugar Queenie HALfiger model appeared, resplendent in his black turtleneck with pinstriped blazer. If only he had a top hat, monocle, and cigarette in one of those long plastic holder things like Lovie had on Gilligan's Island... Sigh. If only. Even without the Mr. Peanut get-up, HALfiger still looked like a lounge act from the Titanic as he explained the exciting final test. Each Cutter would get a Macy's window on 34th Street with which to fill with their idea of their "lifestyle brand." The 7000 passersby would get to gaze into each person's clothes, perfumes, bags, shoes, bedding... Whatever they wanted as long as it was tied together by a common theme of some sort. Wow, that's a lot for one person to do in 2 days. Hmmm, after mining and stealing liberally from The Apprentice all season long, what was the one last idea left to copy? Bringing back the old reality whores for the final challenge?
Yup. Bringing back the old reality whores for the final challenge. Down they descended from the escalators, one by one. Why, there's that guy I forgot about! And look - there's that girl whose name escapes me. Oh my - it's, it's, oh hell, I didn't remember. But Crazy Jeff was there, with that wild look in his eyes I grew to fear (and love). After a round of fake hugs and a series of glares from Vlada that clearly said, "I cannot believe CBS flew me back here from Minnesota to stand here for 35 seconds," the final three got to each choose 2 partners to help them on the task. Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease pick Crazy Jeff! Alas, my dream was shattered as Liz took Wes and Felix, Chris took James and Deanna, and Princess opted for Rob Walker from Boston and Chris, the good-looking kid that was barely on the show. After the selections, Chris noted, "I got exactly who I wanted, that's a sign." Signs, signs, everywhere are signs, blocking out the scenery, breaking my mind, do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign.
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