On this week's episode of "The Hills," BLAHDRINA IS A DEPLORABLE DUMBASS. Which we already knew, but it became more unbearably evident than ever before. Plus, she goes through the whole episode looking like that chick Alotta Fagina from "Austin Powers," with or without the buoyancy of water.

Less awful and more fuckable than Blahdrina.
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Blahdrina, Feminist Hero." »

Posted by O. Snapp at 3:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Would probably make a better Republican presidential candidate.

Wow. You know, there's nothing like a good verbal beat-down when it comes to protecting the honor of a weak living Barbie Doll. On this week's episode, Holly Montag ups the ante on familial defense with her cojones of steel, Pigpen secures his nook in Blahdrina's vagina, and I take the liberty of inventing some words to integrate into the cultural lexicon. Who's with me?

Posted by O. Snapp at 8:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

"So, here we are, frenemies."

This week on "The Hills," nobody is dating anybody, LC doesn't care, and Heidi is in perfect mental health. Yeah right! Join me, won't you, to find out which blonde ends up with the sunlight streaming through her golden tresses as she sobs silently by the end of the half hour! Welcome to The Hills, betches!

Posted by O. Snapp at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

"If I tell you, do you promise not to tell?"

Welcome, fellow haters! This week's zany, WTF-filled episode posed an existential query to us all: Can "The Hills" exist without Lauren Conrad? (That's like asking if the earth could survive without a vaguely boring, overly blow-dried sun to rotate around.) It also taught us a few lessons: 1) Lo, while still totally bitchy, is the only actually adorable and still reactionary person bobbling along in this haze of spray-on tans, 2) LC really IS the mother figure to all of these immature brats, because apparently none of them can be left alone, and 3) Blahdrina would make the worst KGB agent of all time.

Posted by O. Snapp at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Welcome, everyone, to another fun-filled half-hour of uncomfortable reaction shots, listless wealth, and badly overdubbed audio, all presided over by the Queen of Meh herself, Ms. Lauren Conrad ('n' Friends!). Last week ended with a tear-filled reunion, and tonight will bring the return Pigpen's douchiness (Hint: it was hiding under his goatee). Naturally, these people haven't matured emotionally past the eleventh grade, so the least we can do is insult them behind their backs. Join me, won't you?

Posted by O. Snapp at 8:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

And neither do we.

Previously on The Hills, Heidi was weak, Spencer was an intolerant brat, and LC was a frigid non-bitch. Tonight on The Hills, a double recap! Lucky you. Because I was surprised by the special new episode right before the MTV Video Music Awards, you get a double dose of my snark regarding a double dose of boring, set-up drama created by MTV. I swear, sometimes this show is like "Valley Of The Dolls" but without the drugs. And, really, where's the fun in that?

Posted by O. Snapp at 9:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Well, with the Olympics finished and the DNC out of the way, young people had nothing else remotely political or cultural to do this week. So, they watched a bunch of blondies make scrunched-up, "hmm, that's a shame" faces whenever they talk about how lame boys are, and Kelly Cutrone secure her position as most awesome of any man, woman or See-You-Next-Tuesday who's ever been on "The Hills." Cheerio, old lady!

Posted by O. Snapp at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

"Steady.... don't make me laugh! Dead puppies. Baseball. The Montauk Monster."

I'm not sure if MTV is still promoting that whole "Rock The Vote" campaign, but if they are they're doing a very bad job of it (I'm looking at you, Diddy). That's because last night, as Michelle Obama and Ted Kennedy were giving their inspirational speeches about changing the world and moving our great nation forward, MTV was airing the first "The Hills" episode in, like, a year to show the entire cast in the same room at the same time. But don't worry, that's why recap sites exist. Yes, dear reader, I watched this ever-growing pile of shiny glittering shit so that you could watch the Democratic Convention. You did, right?

Posted by O. Snapp at 12:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Doubtless many of you have been watching Michael Phelps and that Nastasia gymnast chick show off their hard-earned physical superiority over in Chinatown. But what you may have forgotten (and I'm here to remind you) is that there are people in this world who have gotten even further in life and in financial stability by virtue of their beauty (ahem) alone. Well, that and their innate ability to inspire teenage girls and gay guys across the country gasp "OH NO she di'int!!" Therefore I implore you, dear reader, to come to your senses. Get back to what's really relevant in this world: reality television. Oh, sweet! - THE HILLS is on!

Posted by O. Snapp at 2:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

"Are you saying you DIDN'T notice my Bling Hail Mary Glow?"

Well, kids, it's been a roller coaster ride of emotions this season... we've been all over the world (well, 3 cities), leapt from internship to career (both with frigidly bitchy bosses), seen LC alienate and passively drop a best friend and roommate (sound familiar?), seen the sputtering rise and flaccid plateau of Lady Pratt's villainy (although we can hold higher hopes for next season), and watched Spencer and Heidi navigate the complicated waters of love (if by complicated you mean tepid, boring, and annoyingly repetitive). We've also seen a whole lot of parentheses. We've finally come to the end of our journey. Welcome, ladies and gents (although I'd love to meet any gent who's actually reading a recap of this show) to the second season finale of season 3 of The Hills!

Posted by O. Snapp at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)