"Steady.... don't make me laugh! Dead puppies. Baseball. The Montauk Monster."

I'm not sure if MTV is still promoting that whole "Rock The Vote" campaign, but if they are they're doing a very bad job of it (I'm looking at you, Diddy). That's because last night, as Michelle Obama and Ted Kennedy were giving their inspirational speeches about changing the world and moving our great nation forward, MTV was airing the first "The Hills" episode in, like, a year to show the entire cast in the same room at the same time. But don't worry, that's why recap sites exist. Yes, dear reader, I watched this ever-growing pile of shiny glittering shit so that you could watch the Democratic Convention. You did, right?

Posted by O. Snapp at 12:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Doubtless many of you have been watching Michael Phelps and that Nastasia gymnast chick show off their hard-earned physical superiority over in Chinatown. But what you may have forgotten (and I'm here to remind you) is that there are people in this world who have gotten even further in life and in financial stability by virtue of their beauty (ahem) alone. Well, that and their innate ability to inspire teenage girls and gay guys across the country gasp "OH NO she di'int!!" Therefore I implore you, dear reader, to come to your senses. Get back to what's really relevant in this world: reality television. Oh, sweet! - THE HILLS is on!

Posted by O. Snapp at 2:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

"Are you saying you DIDN'T notice my Bling Hail Mary Glow?"

Well, kids, it's been a roller coaster ride of emotions this season... we've been all over the world (well, 3 cities), leapt from internship to career (both with frigidly bitchy bosses), seen LC alienate and passively drop a best friend and roommate (sound familiar?), seen the sputtering rise and flaccid plateau of Lady Pratt's villainy (although we can hold higher hopes for next season), and watched Spencer and Heidi navigate the complicated waters of love (if by complicated you mean tepid, boring, and annoyingly repetitive). We've also seen a whole lot of parentheses. We've finally come to the end of our journey. Welcome, ladies and gents (although I'd love to meet any gent who's actually reading a recap of this show) to the second season finale of season 3 of The Hills!

Posted by O. Snapp at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

You know how on every show, the episode after a big shitstorm episode nothing really happens? Sort of a breather, a catch-up episode? I wanted to say that tonight's show was one of those... only not enough happened last week to classify it as such. Just the same level-5 drama we've come to expect. I don't know how it happened, but I actually missed Kelly Cutrone. But it's okay, still plenty of shit to make fun of. Join us, won't you, for another half hour of our heroines bobbling around in flowy dresses that don't show off their well-earned (or bought) bodies and makeup-addled faces? Welcome to The Hills, y'all!

Posted by O. Snapp at 11:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

"OH GOD I'm already sick of being on this show."

Welcome once again to the Fake Friendship Fest! Last time on The Hills, Audrina reunited with her scruffy ne'er-do-well, Lo showed her first buds of veiled bitchiness, and Heidi continued to be her usual "focus on ME, here, people" self. Tonight, it all (sorta) comes together into one big house party of non-confrontation. Oh well. Like LC herself, it's all kinda boring, but still pretty to look at.

Posted by O. Snapp at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Somewhere, Lorenzo Lamas is turning in his fashion grave.

Tonight's episode of "The Hills" taught us that everything happens for a reason, and when one door closes, another one opens. Or, wait, no... actually, everything happens because your life is controlled by a television team and when one door closes, all other doors will surely slam shut around you. Unless the slamming door is Blahdrina, in which case it will be left ajar.

Posted by O. Snapp at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

"Riveting story, Stephanie. Do tell it again."

First of all, I'd like to say thank GOD this week we returned to the normally (blessedly) short half-hour episode. Much as I adore this show and all its brainless melodrama, a whole hour of it was starting to make my head feel all smushy. As of press time I can barely remember who was the 13th president of the United States. Let's end this madness now! (or in 30 minutes!) Welcome to The Hills, bitches!

Posted by O. Snapp at 10:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

"Sigh, I wish they would cast me some REAL friends."

Do you remember in seventh grade, when all the girls and all the boys started noticing each other, and people would kiss (or... you know... whatever) while playing "Seven Minutes In Heaven" at a party and by Monday morning everybody knew everything? Like one giant game of Telephone, in this week's double episode of "The Hills," only about two things happened and the rest was everyone telling everybody everything.

Posted by O. Snapp at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

"Note to self: destroy guidance counselor."

Tonight brought us a special bonus dose of our bevy of beauties. We open at FIDM, where - wait, what? LC's still in school?! She hasn't been there in at least two seasons! I call bullshit. Sure enough, the teacher reads the roster in a heavy Bahstin accent and who shows up late to her first day but... wait for it... I'm sure you've seen the previews but wait for it...

Posted by O. Snapp at 7:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

"Whoop-de-fucking do!"

Here's what makes The Hills fantastic: other shows typically edit out the blank stares and silences between takes and during other characters' endless babbling. The Hills has managed to make an entire series out of these moments, cutting up and rearranging reactions (or non-reactions) into whatever space they please.

This week we join our fair maidens back in sunny Los Angeles, where LC has just returned from her trip to Paris and possibly a two-week vacation from filming. Nevertheless, she complains of jet lag as she enthusiastically hugs Blahdrina hello, the two of them collapsing onto their couch with unfettered girlfriendship. They perform their own recap AND intro, with LC revealing that she is so over Brody (riiiiighhht...) and that Whitney may want to leave Teen Vogue. Blahdrina eyebrow raise. And.... cue Natasha Bedingfield!

Posted by O. Snapp at 11:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)