Anyway, Lisa pressed LC with tough questions. "Why Teen Vogue?" she asked. I kind of expected LC to just say, "Uh, I have an MTV camera crew. That's why." But instead, LC went the earnest route and said, "I've read Vogue for years, and I love Teen Vogue because that's where I get ideas for everything I do. And I like that it does have all the fashion, and like in every one they have like an issue that affects teens." Ah, well-stated, LC. It's that sort of precise articulation that will make you the belle of the literary world.

Lisa then asked, "Can you write?" To which LC, of course, said yes. Then in a neat ironic twist, Lisa followed up by asking, "Good?" Nice grammar, EDITOR. You're supposed to ask if people write well, not good. I'm onto you, Lisa Love.

Anyway, LC replied, "I enjoy writing." Unfortunately for LC, I'm not sure if she realized that "writing" did not include emails, texting, and IMs.

After this rigorous interrogation, LC returned to the apartment complex where she found Heidi tanning yet again, but this time, there was a giant slab of beef jerky wearing a bikini next to her. Oh wait. That was actually another girl. "This is my first new friend in LA!" Heidi proudly announced, introducing LC to this tantastic mystery girl. Turns out this was the one and only Audrina, and from what we could tell, she was just as vapid as her name would suggest. "What intern did you apply for?" she asked LC. InternSHIP. InternSHIP. Sigh.

Anyway, for whatever reason, Heidi loved Audrina and said, "You're adopted!" Countdown to catfights and general bitching: three weeks.

Later, LC and Heidi and Audrina and various guys (boyfriends, roommates of boyfriends, etc.) all met up at the always wonderful restaurant Geisha House (the very same establishment where Mischa Barton was Punk'd. Oh how she'll rue the day that she ever went there!). There, the gang talked about how craaaazy it was to have a full time job and blah blah blah, we went to commercial wondering whether or not LC would get the internship. What ever might happen?

After the break, we found LC and Heidi visiting FIDM, or as the non-acronym-ites call it, the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Apparently the girls were enrolling for classes there, or something like that. As they waited in some sort of lobby, Heidi mused, "I can't wait to start going out more." Yeah, she needs an outlet from her stressful day of tanning and adopting fellow dolts to join her coven of idiocy.

Anyway, an incredibly tall woman named Susan Aronson soon greeted both girls and said she would interview each of them at a time. I don't know how to describe Susan. I guess if Kathy Baker and Karen Hayes from 24 had a love child, it would be Susan Aronson. Well, first up for the interviews was LC, and of course, Susan fawned over her. Let's not forget that LC had two seasons of MTV stardom under her belt at this point.

"We are very proud of you," Susan said. I don't really know why she was proud, but she just was. She did mention something about a grade point average, but whatever. She was just kissing ass, as evidenced by her telling LC that she was so lucky to be in contention for an internship at Teen Vogue. When it came to Heidi, however, it was a different story. Susan asked her how she was as a student in high school, and Heidi gave possibly one of the worst responses short of saying, "I murdered everyone I knew."

"I never learned anything. I never went to school. I never did anything. I just went shopping and just hung out," Heidi said. She then added, "Did I mention that I'm a total and complete MORON?"

Keep in mind that this was an admissions interview.

"Have you looked at the curriculum?" Susan then asked.

"No," Heidi answered proudly, as if that would earn her some medal. When asked about her goals, Heidi then said, "I want to do PR... I want to be the fun party PR girl in LA type of thing... kind of like the party scene." I can only imagine the sort of shame her parents feel. Actually, what's sad is that they probably don't feel shame. They're just happy their daughter is on TV. I'm embarrassed for humanity right now.

Well, Susan explained in a slow, deliberate way (kind of how you talk to first graders) that it usually takes someone being in the industry a long time before they can organize parties at a professional level.

"Really? It's not like right away?" Heidi asked. Yes, Heidi. Sometimes you actually have to work towards things. Like, you know, any basic career. Susan asked Heidi if she'd be willing to work retail, but NO. Fräulein Heidi works for NO ONE! Retail was out of the question!

"Am I seriously talking to this girl?"

"I'm daft!"

Afterwards, we found the girls chilling at their apartment, no doubt plotting Heidi's next big career move (which was most likely a difficult choice between tanning poolside or eating a carrot stick). Suddenly LC's phone rang, and uh oh! It was Chantal! I didn't know who Chantal was, but I could tell it was important. Apparently, Chantal was calling from Teen Vogue, and guess what? She was getting BLAINE on the line! BLAINE! Wait, who was Blaine?

Posted by B-side on May 31, 2006 7:45 PM