Jason's Super Sweet Nineteen - 
by B-side
The best part about Wednesdays? Not only is it hump day, it's Hills day. It's the day of the week where we can come home and relax for half an hour while we watch the gaggle of idiots led by Jason and Heidi galavant around Hollywood, blithely making fools of themselves for our entertainment. Such was the case tonight when the gang went out to celebrate J-Wahl's big birthday. Yes, he was turning the ripe old age of nineteen, and if that still sounds young to you, keep in mind that he did wear a blazer to the celebration. That means he's all growns up. Congratulations, Jason. If you were living in Quebec, you'd be able to drink legally by now.
Indeed, there was plenty of Jason on tonight's show -- so much so that even Heidi was looking like she might have more brain cells than we ever thought imaginable. Also boosting Heidi's IQ was the introduction of Dan the Model, a man who never saw a salad he didn't want to party with. That's the thing about Los Angeles. As long as you surround yourself with dumb people, you'll always shine. How do you think Heidi got that job at Bolthouse anyway?
This week's show started off with LC explaining how she had recently gotten back together with Jason. When last we had seen them, they were sharing a benign goodnight kiss, but now they had full-on resumed the romance. Not only that, but LC explained that Jason had now become fast friends with Heidi's main squeeze, Jordan. These guys really don't waste any time climbing the social ladder, do they?
Anyway, we then found LC and Heidi roaming around a golf store, trying to find some clubs for Jason's upcoming birthday. Needless to say, the two girls were completely lost. "Calloway has to be good 'cause it's like everywhere," Heidi suggested. By that rationale, Heidi probably thinks Sizzler is a four-star restaurant. That would explain why she always gets into a ball gown every time she eats there.
Okay, okay. I kid. I'm sure Heidi's never even set foot in a Sizzler before. She's more of a Denny's girl, if you think about it. Oh, and for the record, according to J-Unit, Calloway actually is a very good brand; so in this case, Heidi's endorsement actually might be worth considering.
Nevertheless, the girls roamed around the irons and woods, eventually cooing over some clubs whose color schemes were quite pleasing. "These ones are pretty!" LC said.
"Those ones are really pretty!" Heidi confirmed. Let it be known: J-Wahl will have the prettiest clubs on the golf course. I just hope he doesn't mind the pink ribbons and glitter on the handles.
We then learned that for Jason's birthday, the whole gang would be enjoying sushi at Blowfish, a local restaurant located on the western-most block of the Sunset Strip. Prior to dinner, however, Jason would be golfing with some of his buddies (read: Lauren's friends that he's glommed onto to ensure further screen time and vice versa); so the big plan was to hide the clubs in the trunk of a car and then Surprise! New golf clubs! Sounded like a perfect idea. Couldn't wait for it to all go wrong.
Anyway, as much fun as the girls were having browsing around without a clue, Heidi finally suggested something that I've been recommending for a few weeks now: "Maybe we should get help." I wholeheartedly agree. And I don't mean "help" like a maid. Oh wait, Heidi was talking about help with the golf clubs? Eh. I guess we weren't on the same wavelength after all.
We then saw the opening credits and learned this episode's title: "Jason's Birthday." Ah, very creative. Might I also suggest, "Episode 5" or "TV show" or "Stuff"? Nevertheless, we soon found ourselves at the Teen Vogue offices where Wh-wh-wh-Whitney had a very insightful observation about jeans and consumer habits:
"Jeans can be really addicting. There's like always new ones, and you feel like you have to have them!" she said with a goofy grin. Well observed, Whitney. Well observed. Next week, we get to hear her thoughts on glue. "Glue is really bizarre. It like sticks to things and just doesn't let go!"
As fascinating as this roundtable discussion about jeans was, LC interrupted it to reveal that Jason's birthday was coming up on Wednesday. How wonderful. But what was even more wonderful was the return appearance of Lisa Love, who strode into the office wearing some sort of pseudo-Madras patterned coat. I tried to do the magic-eye thing on it, but all that happened was I wound up dizzy and with a headache.
We didn't know what Lisa Love wanted, nor did we know why she had deigned to trek down the hallway to the intern sweatshop / closet. I suspected she'd ask Lauren to fetch some sunglasses she had left behind in a Manhattan hotel room, but instead, L. Love wanted to introduce the girls to Gloria, the fashion director of the magazine. Gloria was an interesting woman. She looked sort of like a long lost Navajo woman dressed in some neo-Madeline schoolgirl outfit. Anyway, she was there to alert the girls that there would be a big fashion shoot on Wednesday. You know, the same day as Jason's birthday. Whitney would be stuck in class all day (and by "all day," I mean she had one class at noon), which meant LC would have to come in and work as an assistant on the shoot. It was a great opportunity, but hello?? J-Wahl's birthday! The most important day of the year!! This was like the High Holidays for hipsters and hangers-on throughout Los Angeles. Lisa Love just didn't understand, but maybe that's because she was taking such sadistic joy out of having a new sidekick to stare haughtily at girls with.
Try not to hide your displeasure, Lisa Love.
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