It's Janice's World! We Just Live in It! - 
by Umnata
So I've been trying to get this recap up for a few weeks because I firmly believe that one dose of Janice a week is simply not enough. As a matter of fact, two isn't really enough either, but I fear that three might be akin to giving a diabetic a powdered donut - DEADLY. Regardless, here I am, recapping not one but two episodes of Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, which to those of you who aren't in the know, stars the world's self-proclaimed first supermodel and former America's Next Top Model judge, Janice Dickinson. She's starring in a reality show about trying to launch her own modeling agency and about being crazy and fabulous. Apparently, it's not an easy task. These last two weeks, Janice has booked her models first jobs: A foot modeling gig for the ladies and an underwear modeling gig for the guys (I have to keep reminding myself that this show is on the Oxygen network, and thus, I can see why the guys are modeling underwear, and sadly, not the ladies). Janice has taken on a partner to help her run the agency, and she has to deal with her kids and her own wackiness constantly leaving us with the question: WHAT WILL JANICE DO NEXT!?!?
As we start the episode Janice has already picked 16 male and female models to represent her modeling agency. What she is looking for is models who are ready to work and create revenue for her immediately. Botox injections don't come cheap, you know. In order to make this business boom, she's taken on a partner Peter Hamm, who Janice is having trouble sharing decisions with. You would think she'd be used to sharing decisions with other people, with all the different personalities she has fighting for control over her stick-body. Oh, I make fun because I love! Janice and Peter are holding their largest casting call yet to fill-out the modeling agency's roster of fine pieces of ass.
So Janice gets dressed like Mrs. White from the movie Clue, because, that's how she'd dress to go to Open Call in Paris. I love that Janice is like that crazy aunt you have that always tells you stories about "wartime" and asks if Frank and Dean and the rest of the guys are still on the radio.
Janice is a little nervous and overwhelmed by the turnout, but since she is still able to feel emotions, she is also touched. She gets on a bullhorn - is it me or does she actually sound quieter on that thing - and gives an inspirational speech about staying fabulous and kicking ass. It's all very Nazi Germany propaganda with just a splash of French Couture, and the crowd roars in approval.
The open call starts and of course, like an American Idol audition we keep seeing weirdo after weirdo mixed in with the genetic freaks who are all would-be models. Janice turns away a guy with pigtails, a 45-year-old woman who looks like a man, and I think a porn star and her pimp.
But then all is saved by Stina. Stina is a statuesque beauty that both Janice and Peter love, but I like her too, not because she's hot, well, not only because she's hot, but because the only reason she wants to model is "to be with Janice." It's sweet in a stalker-ish kind of way.
A whole bunch of people try with different degrees of success and are put through various kinds of modelesque forms of torture. What exactly is the point of getting that one doughy guy to do his runway walk naked in only his construction boots? I don't know but Janice's team of gay consultants seem to enjoy it. It's also kind of funny when one girl is clunking around in high heels and she tells Janice that she's been wearing these heels since 5 am and Janice tells her that she's been wearing her shoes for "900 years."
Next up is Claudia Charriez. HELLLLO, CLAUDIA.
She's a Latina princess with the best walk of any of the models. I'm listening... wait, but, uhh, what's that thing on your neck. It looks like an Adam's apple. Oh, oh. Claudia is really a man! Apparently, Claudia made it all the way to the semi-finals of America's Next Top Model, but was disqualified for being a transsexual. That hasn't stopped Naomi Campbell, so I don't get why it should stop Claudia. But Janice took a liking to shim and she's been trying to help ever since. Janice's son Nathan describes my quandary perfectly:
Except he doesn't say it all that distinctly because he's a) trying to hide his massive boner from his mother, and b) he doesn't so much speak as garble. This kid has got to get some speech therapy or something. The problem with Claudia, besides her penis, is the fact that she doesn't want her personal business being told to everyone, which Janice is fine with. However, when it comes time to modeling with another man, Janice had to disclose that information to the male model, who was then hesitant to touch her during the photo shoot. Well, of course Janice had to tell the other model. It's in the Derek Zoolander How to be a Ridiculously Good Model Handbook AND she took the Dolce & Gabbana oath, which is just like the Hippocratic Oath doctor's take, but way better accessorized.
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 Next Page... ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums