1-800-Dentist is looking for some Janice Dick models for their two national television commercials. Four roles will be cast to stand around and look pretty, while one role will have lines to speak. Acting might be a problem for some of these models, because it's never been made clear that models can actually read. Oh stop! They good to be physical specimens, I get to be bitter about it. Those are the rules.

Enter Fred Joyal, CEO of 1-800-Dentist, and his casting director Kim. The first thing I look at is their teeth, because if the CEO of 1-800-Dentist doesn't have perfect teeth, I don't know who will. Ehh, I'm not impressed. Fred is a marketing genius, because he casts himself in most of his commercials. You know, kind of like the way M. Night Shyamalan casts himself in an integral role in all of his movies. Except, the 1-800-Dentist commercials make sense. And don't suck.

Janice lines all the models up outside and starts picking them to shreds one by one. You're not groomed! You need to wipe the sleep out of your eyes! You need to vomit up your breakfast! Janice is tired - tired of having to be General Janice Dick. In one of the most surreal moments yet in this portrayal of insanity, Janice asks what it says on the door! WHAT DOES IT SAY ON THE DOOR! Out of fear that Janice's face could peel off at any minute, the models murmur: "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency! Sir, yes, Sir!" She's a weird twist between Joan Crawford in the "No wire hangers" scene in Mommies Dearest and Simone in Dazed and Confused ("Fry piggish!"). She specifically singles out Tony, for his unclean skin and sends him to the store for DermaBlend, which the formerly obese guy thinks is the newest shake at Baskin Robbins.

The auditions come and go without much fuss. Tall, thin and gorgeous Grayce is adorable, and Marcus is a little too thuggish. Least surprising of all, Sorin doesn't really nail the script reading. Why is Janice doing this to him? Shouldn't she know by now that the Romanian Muscle God is meant to be seen and not heard? The exact opposite of Umnata, as a matter of fact. Tony, zits and all, nails the reading, and gets the coveted National Commercial acting gig. For the look, but don't speak commercial Fred and Kim pick: Natalie, Grayce, Paul (still buff, still balding) and Andrew, who last week got his hair cut like the newest member of a Flock of Seagulls cover band to look more edgy, much to his dismay.

Janice doesn't have time to worry about the 1-800-Model nonsense, because she's packing up for a weekend in Vegas for Model Search America. Peter is really into it - When he hears model search, he hears "Peter Hamm Casting Couch Audition 2006". Wink, wink. Janice, clearly having a lucid day, doesn't want to go because she thinks it will be cheesy. What about the words Las Vegas and Model Search America sounds cheesy, Janice? Oh. Wait. All of it.

The morning of the big event Janice wakes up and there is something wrong with her eye. It's swollen shut. Sadly there are no infants in the area for Janice to suck the blood out of so she has to go to the emergency room. Meanwhile, Peter is running around looking for anyone gay enough to be part of Janice's posse. Finally, he bumps into Nate and the gang, and they tell him all about Janice's condition. Peter wonders if it's critical, to which Nathan says, "Rrrs, ashih, garble, garble, turtle." I rewind my DVR and turn on the Closed Captioning and apparently Nathan said that his mother couldn't even open her eye. And that he has figured cured cancer.

Janice finally makes it to the Model Search cornea scratched and eye patch on. Janice and Peter agree to work on their communication skills, since Peter had no idea where she was all morning. For the second time in as many weeks, when Janice is backed into a corner she lies like a fifteen year old girl whose parents found a beer can in her car. "It all happened so fast," she exclaims, even though we saw her waiting outside the ER for a few hours.

Janice enters the room, and there is a genuine roar from the crowd for her. I'll lay my cynicism aside, and say that the producers didn't get the crowd all riled up. It's nice that people are excited about Janice Dick, besides me and J-Unit.

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Posted by Umnata on July 24, 2006 1:34 PM