Having no luck coaxing Kirsten out of her bedroom, Caleb tries to find his current wife. After all, he didn't cheat on her, she has to have some sort of compassion for him, right? Well, no. Julie is surely going to use this whole episode to file for divorce and take a chunk of the Nichol fortune, but I am sure there was a big prenup, so not to worry, right? When Caleb finally finds Julie, who has been hiding out in Marrissa's room, she gives him the cold shoulder. After getting all of that off of his chest, his stress level was low enough that he was probably ready to resume his normal schedule of banging his trophy wife. But after remembering how good it was to have sex with somebody within twenty year of her own age, Julie is not about to just lay there while Caleb goes for his 15 minutes of nightly fun. She wants Jimmy, so she heads back to his boat for a little bit of solace, and some doggy style.

Summer, Seth, Ryan, and Marrissa are left to debate the fate of this year's Chrismukkah, Seth is completely dejected, but for some reason, Summer has become the champion of the holiday. It's supposed to bring people together, not pull them apart. It's time for a Chrismukkah miracle! Why do I always run out of percoset right before the most difficult time of the week? Summer has a plan to save Chrismukkah, but she just needs a little help. She and Marrissa head over to Jimmy's boat in search of an extension cord and a generator, because you need those things for a boat. Hmm, I wonder what they are going to do? I do now that they were so into their Chrismukkah plans, they ignored the obvious moaning that was coming from below decks. See, Julie and Jimmy were working on their second or third or fourth Chrismukkah miracle of the day.

Ryan's part of this whole gambit is to try and coax Kirsten out of the closet. I would have opened a bottle of champagne outside her door, and then when Kirsten smelled it, she would open the door, and Ryan and Sandy could hold her down before she was able to lock herself back in. Ryan decided instead to appeal to the side of her that realizes that Lindsay had nothing to do with this, and isn't it time to show her that she is part of a family that welcomes new members? Awww, how touching. Just last year, they were trying to teach Ryan how they loved their family, but now it is Ryan who teaches them a lesson in love. If only Karen Carpenter were still alive, she and Richard would have loved writing songs for Chrismukkah. John Denver would have loved to have done a Muppets Chrismukkah album as well. Only the good die young, it seems.

After getting Kirsten out of self-pity mode, it was up to Seth to, uhh, talk to Lindsay? So he moseys on over to her house, oh wait, she isn't at her house, she finds her on the beach hanging by the sand dunes. I wonder if she and Marrissa ever crossed paths during the beach pouting walk of shame as she went to her dune, and Marrissa went to her lifeguard tower. Anyway, Seth tells her that it isn't all that bad being a Cohen, and tells her about all of the things that are part of being a Cohen like telling jokes at inappropriate times. It was kind of a lame speech, but it worked, or at least it will work until Lindsay finds out that she is not a Cohen. She's not Sandy's kid. The Nichol family has a lot more issues than the Cohen's, and that is what Lindsay has to deal with from now on. She could marry a Cohen, but that is now out of the question since she is related to them. She will just have to live with having a stocking on the Cohen fireplace, even though the stocking saud "Laura" and not "Lindsay". I guess you can't be picky when you have so little time to prepare the Chrismukkah miracle.

Seth and his new aunt go back to her house where the find...oh my God! It was decorated by everybody with lights, and a tree and everything! Look, there is her new sister, Kirsten, and she is only four drinks into the night! It's wonderful! If I use enough exclamation points in this sentence, maybe I'll actually convince myself that it was some a special moment!!!

Excuse me, but is this the reason why the girls had to have a generator? To light some Christmas lights? I know that Renee and Lindsay aren't well off, but I am sure they could have come up with the extra money to run the lights. And you can't argue that they did it to preserve the surprise, because Renee would have eventually noticed that her front yard all of a sudden became the tackiest one on the block. The writers had that stupid scene on the boat just so the girls could almost catch Jimmy and Julie having sex? And since they realized that this Chrismukkah thing had to be a surprise, being in front of Lindsay's house, they simply came up with this thing that she loves to be alone at the beach? Why wasn't she at the beach when Ryan came over? Sorry to be a Scrooge or the Grinch or whatever, but I just ain't buying it. Having holiday cheer doesn't mean I have to buy into dumb story lines the writers created to make their show seem like it makes sense.

Posted by J-Unit on December 17, 2004 9:30 AM