The first problem with The Player is the stupid triumverate of pseudo-trannies known as Dawn, Jinelle, and Ananda. These girls - or sisters, as they call themselves - seem to have the mental capacity of a chew toy, especially Jinelle who likes to call people out for disprespecting Dawn. It seemed like no matter what anyone did, Jinelle had some beef about it. Honestly, it was Jinelle who was really disrespecting Dawn the most - I know I'd be embarrased if my best friend dressed like a drag queen all day.

As for Dawn, she has the difficult job of parsing out the cheesy playas from the really cheesy playas. This means enduring silly activities like taking three guys out on an Elimidate-esque dinner. Dawn brought a cocky lawyer, a shy Jewish guy, and a goofy white dude who thinks he's Mekhi Pfieffer. The lawyer surprised Dawn with a bouquet of roses at the dinner table, and of course, since that move implied some sort of financial transaction, she approved of his game immediately.

The Jewish guy, of course, was about as out of place as, uh, a Jewish guy on UPN. He tried to improvise a little cute thing for Dawn by having the pastry chef draw little stick figures of them on the dessert plate. It was incredibly lame, but I'm sure his mother would have loved it. Of course, this gesture did not result in any sort of tangible gift for Dawn; so she up and kicked him off the show, saying that he tried to "bite" another playa's game. Oooh, bitch got standards!

The moment of elimination was oh so spontaneous. Dawn plopped out her catchphrase, "Game over, playa", with so much rigid stuttering that I thought she might be auditioning to be Julie Chen's replacement. The guys pretended as if they were surprised, but obviously this scene had been rehearsed and shot several times. As the Jewish guy stepped out of the H2 limo wearing only a robe (don't ask), Dawn was sure to add "Don't Hate The Player, Hate The Game". Um, can I just hate both? I must say, I did enjoy Dawn's frantic attempt to get her catchphrase out before the producers wrung her neck.

There was plenty of goofiness to fill a big post about this show, but I really don't have the energy for that. Needless to say, by the end of the episode, Dawn kicked off Dartmouth alum Kyle because he was playing the "Mr. Nice Guy game" (as opposed to the Shallow Slut game). I do feel badly for him. He really didn't have much game, as far as we could see. Granted, he did try to charm Dawn with tales of his sausage-making prowess, but later, when nominated for elimination, his trembling voice was no competition for the smoove confidence offellow nominee Chyno (pronounced like that 'burb made famous on The OC). That's okay, Kyle. This gives less fodder for your Gamma Delt brothers to attack you with. Plus now you probably don't have that STD you could have gotten had you stuck around longer.

I like how Dawn kicks off the nice, Ivy League equities trader and keeps sketchy characters like a grope-happy Slamball champion. I'd like to see a follow up show where Dawn complains about infidelity and assholes. It can be called "YOU IDIOT".

Posted by B-side on August 12, 2004 12:03 PM