Recap an Incestuous Storyline? I'll Take a Stab at it - 
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Earlier in this most disturbing of The Surreal Life seasons, I shouldered the difficult task of recapping an episode that featured mentally and physically challenged kids. How to make that funny, without making fun of the kids? Looking back, that was a piece of cake compared the mess that's airing this week on VH1. Sure, the newest episode is rife with slurs, baseless accusations, tales of stabbings and gunshots, creepy Balki crying jags, and a backyard barbeque - that stuff I can handle. But incestuous pedophilia? Mamma Mia. The hardest part is that it involved The World's First Supermodel, Janice Dickinson, who has rapidly risen to be one of the most contemptible and detestable pieces of crap to ever appear on my television. Luckily (for me), equally contemptible and detestable piece of crap Omarosa was also prominently featured - and she's only the victim of seven stabbings and gunshots and an unfortunate lantern jaw malformation.
That's right, in this episode, Omarosa revealed that she's been stabbed seven times. And shot at. But I'll get to that in a minute. The show began right where last week's left off: Omarosa threatening to leave and continuing to call Janice a "crack whore bitch" and every other possible variant of that insult. Gee, ya think Trump was watching and reconsidering his decision to "fire" her? I mean, she is so professional and well-spoken and diplomatic. I'm actually now enjoying the mental picture of The Donald sitting in his cushy leather recliner, martini in hand and ascot in place, watching this show on VH1. "Carolyn, George - get in here. Get this Balki guy on the phone. He's really showing me something here."
As mentioned, the show opened with Omarosa pacing around, flapping her ample gums, and packing up to leave. By this point in the day, the other cast members (remember them?) had had their fill of the bullshit and began admitting as much. Caprice, in her best Madonna-faux-British accent, lamented, "This has just been ex-hous-ting." It wasn't even close to a good British accent. Hell, she made Kevin Costner in Robin Hood look like Mr. Pickwick in Piccadilly Circus ordering some fish 'n' chips. While wearing a top hat. Carey Hart summed up the Omarosa/Janice situation best, saying, "It's two people having a power struggle over TV time."
Omarosa half agreed (out loud) with Carey, telling Pepa, "Janice is very clever - she knows how to make good TV." In other words, Omarosa, you're not clever and you make bad TV. Now that's an idea with which I fully agree. Pepa, who was hearing out Omarosa at this point, looked tired and bored with the day's events. So Omarosa did what any over-the-top reality whore would do: Turn up the sympathy knob. Now, I have no idea if the following statements from the horse's mouth are true, and I can only hope they are not. I can't help but remind everyone of former Surreal Life cast member Vanilla Ice and some eerily similar comments he made in the past. Out of nowhere, Omarosa screeched, "I have been stabbed seven times in my life. I could show you so many stab wounds on my body... I've been stabbed, I've been shot at, and I can't sleep at night with that psychopath in the same house."
"i feel so bad for your kids, i really do"
Phew. If true, that's awful. If not, then Omarosa just moved a notch below Janice on the contemptible scale (this will be a photo finish at the end). Again, I recall Vanilla Ice telling the world that he was "from the streets," and had been stabbed. He went on to say, "I have scars, man." Did Omarosa study Mr. Ice's tactics and simply emulate them? Who knows... But remember this is the same hardened woman from the streets who was out of commission for 3 days after a weightless piece of microscopic wallboard grazed her huge head. Seven stabbings, I'd think, would have most certainly done her in. For what it's worth, the entire cast agreed that Omarosa was overreacting to "The Knife Incident" and that there was no way she would leave the house - lest she lose some TV face time.
And that was wonderful because Omarosa fully expected her five mates to rally behind her and intervene to stop her from leaving the house. Instead, Carey Hart decided to pop a couple Rolling Rocks (budget problems, VH1?) and BBQ in the backyard - completely ignoring Omarosa's foolishness. While Carey was preparing to cook, Janice sashayed through the kitchen and declared, "It was a joke!" Okay, I get it. Ha frigging ha. Tensions were still high though, as Caprice simply couldn't get over it. Balki, being Balki, said to Caprice, "The tension is turning me on. Just kidding." Boy, a real bunch of comedians in the house this season. Oh Ron Jeremy, where art thou? The jokes continued over Carey's dinner on the patio when Jose summed up what he learned from the whole incident, "Never argue with a girl." Huh, you'd think he'd have learned that a few years ago when he wound up in jail for doing just that. Oh well, steroids apparently shrink the brain as well as the balls. Finishing up the comedy portion of this decidedly unfunny episode, Janet quipped (in response to Jose), "Well, Omarosa's not a girl, she's a man. I've seen her naked." Oh my. That could be worse than being stabbed seven times. In fact, I'd think that if I were in Janice's shoes, I'd welcome seven stabbings - to each eyeball. (Did I really just make light of being stabbed seven times? Sigh...)
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