Janice Lewd? Omarosa Bitchy? Par For the Course - 
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Since last week's episode generated such conflicting emotions in all of us, I was very much hoping that this week would more clearly help us determine who is the more contemptible slag: Omarosa or Janice. The other five Surreal Life houseguests are merely bit players in the whole Omarosa vs. Janice bitchfest. Think about that - Jose Canseco more or less spawned a special congressional hearing (no matter how pithy) a few months ago to "investigate" steroid use and abuse in Major League Baseball. And he's been relegated to barely a bit part on the show. If anything, Carey Hart now knows that no matter how bitchy his girl Pink gets at home, there are women in this world who are much, MUCH worse. But who was worse this episode? Hell, I'll throw Eva Braun and Aileen Wuornos into the mix to give them some evil, whoring competition.
The episode opened with the gang waking up the morning after the previous day's emotional shitstorm - you know, the knife incident, the incest/rape/pedophilia stuff, the weird non-stop crying jags, the name-calling, Pepa using up all of Omarosa's weave glue... Everyone pretty much exhaled deeply and just wanted to move past the previous day's ugliness. Even Omarosa said, "I don't even want to talk about it." Call me a wee bit cynical, but I found that impossible to believe. Stick a camera in her horseface, and this bitch will talk about anything. I wish she'd talk more about her "I got stabbed seven times" claim, but something tells me we won't be hearing anymore about that. Not on E! True Hollywood Story, not on Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown, not on NBC's Celebrity Fear Factor, not on Bravo's Battle of the Network Reality Stars, not on Bravo's All-Star Reality Reunion... How the hell does this horrible woman continue to appear on my TV screen? If ever there was a more compelling argument for me to start watching the History and Discovery channels more, this may be it.
Omarosa grabbed the "Surreal Times" newspaper and announced the day's activity: Golfing. Weak - but since we knew it was just a ruse to get the Surreal Seven out of the house so they could set up the "Dirty Laundry" set, I forgave the show. So they all got dressed and happily got ready to go golfing. Wait, did I say 'they all'? Proving himself to be one of the stranger people on the planet, Balki stuck his thumb in his mouth, curled into a fetal position, and nestled himself in bed under a bunch of blankets. Huh? You just KNOW this dude has some even MORE shocking personal revelations than even Janice. While I'm no psychiatrist, I've attempted to piece together the childhood of Balki, based on his Surreal Life behavior:
He was born and burdened with the name "Bronson."
He never once displayed a single character trait shown by Charles Bronson.
He got the crap beat out of him by neighborhood kids as a result.
He got the crap beat out of him by his father as a result of that.
His father made him "do stuff" to his sister to prove his manhood.
He was forced to play golf, and he sucked.
He was forced to accept golf clubs rectally (working himself up to a 5 wood).
Hearing Janice's incest stories coupled with having to play golf caused complete mental breakdown.
Anyone want to argue with that? Didn't think so. After he crawled back into bed shouting "No" over and over and rocking back and forth (At least Janice will have a partner at the funny farm after the show), Janice tried to convince him to go by saying, "I'll be nice to Omarosa if you go. Caprice, please give him oral sex so he'll go." Zing! Actually, not so much of a Zing when you remember that 8 hours prior, Janice had just bared her black soul about how her father forced her to do that very act in exchange for her to alter her behavior in some way. So, y'know, that's not really funny, Janice. In fact, I feel imaginary scabies now crawling under my skin. Ugh, this show is that disturbing.
Caprice tried to nicely explain to Balki that he should probably join the gang, as it was a lovely day outside and Christ, they were just going to play a little golf. No dice... he just continued to turtle up beneath the covers and cry out. It was all very Exorcist-ish, except Linda Blair had nicer hair. And in this version, Satan was a tall skinny black Apprentice failure. Fed up with his creepy immaturity, Caprice finally yelled at him, "Get up now! Get up now, no more of this childish bullshit!" Balki only coughed and fought her efforts to remove the sheet. "You are a grown man now get up and stop being two years old!" My god, what was I watching? After some more coughing and infantilism (I'll bet that's a fetish Balki is totally into), Caprice finally got him to abandon his tantrum and join the gang in the van. Sigh.
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