Janice Lewd? Omarosa Bitchy? Par For the Course - 
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I suppose I should have been happy that the show found some non-Omarosa/Janice footage for this week, as I was pretty sick of them. Unfortunately, this lasted all of 3 minutes as once they reached the golf course, Janice was up to her old tricks. While the club's pro was explaining the finer points of club selection, Janice blurted out, "Where's my cart?!" The club pro, appearing to be more than a little scared, simply pointed the way and off Janice went. Not a minute later, Janice came barreling through the group, nearly hitting the poor golf pro lady. Then she crashed into Balki's cart. Then she grabbed her desiccated crotch. Then she bent over like a bitch in heat, exposing her used-up nether regions. Yes, a mere week after garnering some sympathy from your intrepid recapper, Janice flushed it all down the toilet by acting like the attention-whoring, crack-smoking, vodka-slamming, insane skank we've all come to know though this show. As Omarosa said last week, "I feel bad for her children."
Carey Hart (yup, he's still here) politely noted, "Janice is going a million miles a minute!" Translation: "Janice snorted some extra blow this morning!" Jose Canseco sighed, "We're golfing and Janice is losing her mind again." For the record, Ms. World's First Supermodel, I hate you for making me agree with Omarosa. You ARE a menace. You ARE disgusting. You ARE a disease. Meanwhile, Janice just sped around the course and threw her golf ball onto the green pretending that she'd hit the ball there. Something everyone who has ever played golf has done, right? Well, further proving her increasing detachment from reality, Janice quipped, "I was driving ahead of everyone throwing my ball onto the green and pretended I hit it there. I found it hilarious - my jokes are really funny!" Later, after shouting "Par this" for no particular reason, she again lamented, "There's no humor in this cast whatsoever." Thanks Janice, it's people like you who kept Becker on the air for so many years. But what do I know? I just write for the funniest fricking blog in the world.
Oh, and creepy pervert Balki ended up enjoying his day with Caprice, simply driving around the course on the golf cart. He even compared his experience to a day at Disneyland. Why do I think that if Balki had the money, he'd have his very own Neverland Ranch? And that his Perfect Strangers character hit pretty close to home - except instead of "sheep herding" he was more familiar with "sheep fornicating." And... you know what, he just needs help. He doesn't need me piling on anymore. And it's gotta be killing him that Mark-Linn Baker is back on a sitcom and he's not.
Back at the house, the Lifers realized something was afoot. Yay! It was time for the now-traditional season-ending "Dirty Laundry" episode with Sally Jesse Rafael. Great, just the giant red headed needle this group needed to get further under their skins. Strangely, Caprice of all people was the most nervous - so Balki leapt to her aid by giving her yet another massage. No word on whether he begged her (again) to give her his patented "abdominal massage." But I can confirm that he did accidentally-intentionally brush his elbow against her breast and got a full-on boner as a result. That move ruled in 7th grade. Shout out to all you girls who - unknowingly - let my elbow touch your developing boobies... and thank you.
Omarosa, however, applied her clown makeup, put on her whoring "omarosa dot com" tank top, and affected her faux toughgirl persona. "Let's do this thing. They don't call me the top reality show villain for nothing." Let me take a moment to state my piece on this. Yes, the woman is a shameless and deluded self-promoter. Bully for her. But she is not a "villain" in any sense. She's just a useless, toothy, ugly, lying, conniving, spoiled, straight-up bitch. Richard Hatch was a villain. Rob and Amber are villains. Evil Dr. Will was a villain. Vampire Don was a villain. (Not really, but I haven't mentioned Vampire Don for a while, so I thought I would here.) Omarosa just sucks, through and through. She is not clever or witty or interesting in any way. This is my plea to casting directors: DO NOT CAST THIS WENCH IN ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. She's not "fun to hate," but rather, "We just hate her and want her to go far, far away." Sally Jesse introduced her as, "The bitch of reality show bitches," at which the witch simply smiled. Seriously, what is wrong with her? Or perhaps an easier question would be, "What's right with her?" Um, she's in pretty good shape? End of rant.
The theme of this year's "Dirty Laundry" was that Sally Jesse was going to determine who's been real and who hasn't. Because, you know, Sally Jesse has special powers, apparently. Jose was up first and even though his musculature is completely synthetic and fake, Sally determined that he was indeed real. They tried to embarrass him by showing his cross dressing episodes but no one cared about that.
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