The next arrival was Alexis Arquette, who said, "You may know me because of my famous family." Funny enough, "Alexis," no, I don't. Apparently the strangely cute Patricia and the strangely strange David have a brother who is transgendered and is "famous" for being that way. Or something. He doesn't hide his man voice at all and talks about his transgendered status as though it's an issue on par with terrorism and global warming. He wears rubber boobs and claims they are "part of" him. He's hyper sexualized which only makes him more annoying. He knows CC somehow and agrees with Andrea when she says that, "Nipples are God's gift to the world." At that point, I'll admit, my thumb grazed the channel changer button on my remote.

Tawny fetched the "Surreal Times" and read the exciting headline: A "Mystery Advisor" was on the way! She opened up the paper and proceeded to read it all to herself, leaving the others sitting there staring at her. Ok, that was pretty funny too so I put my thumb away. The "Advisor" was Carol Brady, who arrived with a big basket of flowers and lots of good cheer. Damn, is it wrong to say that archetypal mother-figure from the 70's Carol Brady looks a lot hotter than archetypal slut from the 80's, Tawny Kitaen? Cause it's true. Carol would be at the house daily, just not sleeping there. That's what passes as a "twist" on this show, I think.

The ol' "sense of humor" bs

Carol got the gang cooking dinner (even telling Alexis to pour some oil in the pasta water - but it wasn't Wesson oil! Scandal! Yes, I realize that that's like the 18th joke I've written today that you won't get if you're under 25.) Carol told Andrea that she had underwear older than her and began what I can only assume will be a season-long attempt to push Andrea away from the "naked party girl" lifestyle. Even Tawny was judging Andrea, privately, to Carol; "I turned down Playboy five times," implying that she was, "Better than that."

Yup, being famous for slithering on a car in an 80's video, marrying and divorcing David Coverdale, succumbing to years of drug abuse, getting arrested for beating up your second husband, and having boobs more famous than your face is "Better" than posing in Playboy. Gotcha. At that point, Alexis retired to the patio to have a smoke with young Andrea. In a truly surreal moment, he/she sort of hit on the poor girl with such sure-fire lines as, "I'm going to be removing my genitalia so this is your last chance to get with it." So Alexis, famous for being a sibling of actors, is a dude who doesn't really hide the fact that he's a dude, but dresses like a woman, is having a sex change operation at some point, but hits on cute girls, yet vies for the attention of the guys in the house? Thumb is twitching again...

Show of hands... Who remembers that George Jefferson is on this show? While George became a sort of mumbly wallpaper, CC ran on a treadmill and Steve mopped the floor. Exciting, exciting stuff. Just when I began dozing off, another issue of the "Surreal Times" was delivered and the headline screamed that another houseguest was about to arrive and that he would indeed be, a "beefcake." But in a twist, there were 5 slices of beef from which to choose. And not just any beef, but Reality has-been beef! Unimpressed, Steve took a page out of my dad's insult book and called them all, "Knuckleheads."

So just who were these struggling failed actors - err, I mean, "Former reality show stars?" Why it's Real World Paris' Ace! And Survivor Palau's Johnny! And who-knows-what-show's Maven! And American Idol's Paula banging Corey Clark! (He'd be the carpaccio on the menu.) But, lo, there was one other reality stud from which to choose - and my choice no matter what the occasion! Yes, it's "Big Brother 5's" Scott Savage! When a guy's catchphrase is "Remember the Savage," and you forget all about him, what does that say? Well, I for one did not forget the Savage and just as B-Side posted a fascinating expose of Savage's tub-buddy Jase recently, I give you a fascinating Savage update. Savage, Drew and Cowboy hanging out in Dipshit, Oklahoma. Awesome.

The deal was that the 6 housemates were to choose the 7th cast member. They immediately voted off Johnny, which is good because I have no idea who he is. Then the remaining four had a pose down - Savage's forte! He was surely in! Savage removed his shirt and damn, he looks good. Then he slowly turned around and teased the girls with a slow removal of his jeans. Ahhh, who but Savage could pull off yellow bikini briefs and STILL look good! No one, that's who. Like a seasoned Chippendale, Savage slid his jeans down his muscled legs and... Oh! My! God! WHAT IS THAT?!

Oh, Savage, you beast, what have you wrought! I was immediately transported to New Jersey in 1937 with "Oh, the humanity" screaming in my brain. I covered baby-dub's impressionable young eyes and hit pause to gather myself. Alas, poor Savage must have wiped his ass with some oak leaves (as all good savages do) as he had quite the skidmark. It wasn't your typical run-of-the-mill bicycle skidmark, no, this was a "SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY" monster truck skidmark. At least I knew in the bottom of my heart that if there was anyone who could overcome such a tragedy, it was my main man SAVAGE.

Don't worry, Jase will clean that up for you.

Posted by on March 20, 2006 4:21 PM