The "Surreal Times" was delivered and CC read the news: Smashmouth (Or, "Schmayshmouht," as CC says it) has a new single coming out, 'The Story of my Life,' and the Surreal Lifers were going to direct and star in the video! Tawny Kitaen was to be the producer and would be responsible for the budget and time management. In her words, "This has been my dream forever!" Really, Tawny? Well, I guess when your claim to fame is writhing around on top of a car in a 15 year old video; directing a video in which you do the same is the next logical "dream" step.

Even more puzzling was Playboy model Andrea Lowell's response: "I'm a huge Smashmouth fan and to be in a Smashmouth video is a dream come true!" Really, Andrea? A huge Smashmouth fan? Can we assume she bought the 3 albums that came out after the one with "All-star" and "Walking on the Sun?" But, like Tawny, when your claim to fame is writhing around naked on video, being in a different video with at least some clothes on is the next logical "dream" step. (Rest assured, Andrea did get naked before the day was out though. Phew.)

Question: Why do bands make music videos anymore? Where are they even aired? That conundrum was lost on the housemates though, as Steve Harwell fired up the Radioshack store brand portable CD player (with stereophonic sound no less!) and everyone danced to the new song. Tawny effused, "The new Smashmouth single - number one with a bullet, I guarantee you!" No need for my usual paragraph-ending joke... I think Tawny just made it for me.

As Tawny did her tawdry dance, Sherman grooved along silently in his Santino-Special tee shirt. This dude was on a hit sitcom and he's wearing what I have only seen being sold to trailer trash in Wal-Mart bargain bins. Oh celestial new age wolf baying at the moon, how can anyone deny your charm? And how could Tawny deny Steve's request that she slink around on a car, reprising her famous video role of yore? The answer: She couldn't. Let's just hope it's a Hummer this time, or better yet a M3A3 Bradley Fighting Vehicle System, considering her recently acquired girth.

Of course show "therapist" Florence Henderson would have to be in the video, so Steve rang her up and laid out the plan: Carol Brady in a dominatrix outfit! What a great idea! (Have her slathering up Sherman with Wesson oil and you'd have a hit on your hands.) Mrs. Brady? "No!" What a prude - oh well, nothing a little cursed Tiki Idol couldn't fix, right? And what better place to find one that at the giant prop store in Hollywood?

So, armed with $1500 that's exactly where the gang drove to in search of outfits and items for the video shoot. But "No" seemed to be the word of the day as every suggestion the others came up with, producer Tawny responded with emphatic, "No's." Like when Andrea picked up a formaldehyde jar and asked, "What about something like this, a fetus?" Because when one thinks of the fun-lovin' Smashmouth guys, one's first thought is of abortions? Oh you Playboy models, always ahead of the curve.

After a succession of scenes that reminded EdHill of drunken college bar nights (a chunky woman saying, "No, no, no, no, no"), Mrs. Brady showed up to help the gang out. Clueless Tawny said to Carol, "You are the dominatrix so let's find you some leather." Ummm, what's the word Mrs. Brady was looking for here... Um... "No!" Gosh, now I was having flashbacks to drunken college nights - an attractive mature woman telling a chunky woman "no" when I bring up the subject of S&M. Sigh. The good old days.

Tawny seemed ecstatic that she saved over $500 of someone else's money by not buying many props. She excitedly told Steve Harwell this and he was understandably confused. But, remembering that Tawny is also famous for beating up a Major League Baseball player, he quickly forgot about it and proceeded with the video shoot. For a video that was a wee bit prematurely dubbed, "The best video ever," by Andrea. I'd even wager that Andrea herself has appeared in several better videos. I'm willing to do the research if someone wants to send a couple my way.

The shoot proceeded with Tawny lording over the proceedings. This prompted purposeful freak Alexis Arquette (of the Family Arquette) to pronounce Tawny, "An asswipe." One wonders, when Alexis wipes his ass, does he sometimes forget to untuck? By the way, I've decided to more or less ignore Alexis and his forced dialogue. Every other quote is sexual in nature and an attempt to be provocative. It's incredibly annoying and cloying and pathetic. As a result, I refuse to play into it. (We'll see how long that lasts.)

Posted by on March 27, 2006 3:25 PM