If Tyra Banks Can Do It... - 
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The last time we saw our favorite seven people we don't care about, they were preparing for their very own 10 minute talk shows. VH1 made us wait a WHOLE WEEK to see the finalized efforts of the Surreal Life gang. I don't know about you, but I had a rough time sleeping leading up to this week's show.
(And to think... I made YOU wait almost another whole week to read the recap. And yet, my inbox ain't exactly full of complaints.)
Would Maven and Steve pull their show off with no preparation?! Would CC overcome his nerves and be able to avoid alcohol before his "show?!" Would Sherman Hemsley stay awake long enough to get through his 10 minutes?! Would Tawny Kitaen bitchslap the kindly elder Carol Brady for no apparent reason?! If a tree fell on the Surreal Life house and killed all these people, would it make a noise in the media?
The first "show" was the joint effort of Maven "UFC" Huffman and Steve "Smashmouth" Harwell. Florence Henderson, apparently not hip enough to be down with Oscar Award winning Three 6 Mafia's, "Poppin My Collar," prepped Maven by poppin' down his collar. She then proceeded to put dust on his shoulder. The two of them took the stage and went through a little warm-up routine that included Steve calling Maven, "Mr. Mocha" and asking the audience who was single. Upon receiving no crowd reaction, Steve suggested they all masturbate. Oh yeah, we were off to a good start.
Their guest was Jeff Lee the animal trainer. Wackiness ensued when his binturong started climbing around the set. (A binturong is a bearcat. Or something. According to George Jefferson offstage, "That ain't a bear. A bearcat? It stink." Then he ate a donut and fell asleep (George, not the animal.) Ok, wow, that was exciting, who was up next?
Why it was none other than George Jefferson himself with his oddly titled, "Welcome to the Future" show. Remember he tried to corner his former "Jeffersons" foil Marla Gibbs but she had better things to do - like, oh I don't know, clean windows? (See, kids, she was the maid on that old show.) In lieu of Marla, George trotted out some guy with a giant mustache. Um. Okay. (If I sound bitter towards Mustache Man, it's because he was wearing a Dallass Cowboy jersey. I have standards.)
This is what a real audience for fake talk shows on a bad reality show looks like
Actually, before the mustache man appeared, George again danced around like a fool and sang some unintelligible "song" as his monologue - imagine what we "Surreal Life" viewers didn't get to see! Upon introducing the giant mustache guy, George lied, "Looks good brotherman" and then... What the?!
Marla Gibbs appeared! That is, Marla Gibbs and some completely random woman who trailed behind her. She took the stage and the crowd went wild! Amazingly, George suddenly sprung to life and became totally coherent in his insulting of the "Florence the Maid." It was an amazing thing to watch - kinda like idiot savants who sit around staring motionless all day long and then -BAM- put them in front of a piano and they go wild. Hmmm, I think I'm on to something here.
Marla and Mr. Jefferson did a cute little routine and off she went, with random attendant in tow. So the question remains - who was that woman (she appeared later, still silent at Marla's side, in the "backstage" scenes). Was she a) a nurse of some sort there to aid the aging Ms. Gibbs, b) a Make-A-Wish Foundation "winner" who simply never passed away and submitted her wish in 1975, or c) a stealth bodyguard there to protect Marla from the creepy giant mustache guy, ostensibly the only mustachioed guy who doesn't offer "Free mustache rides." I must know.
Next up was fair Andrea Lowell and her show, "TMI." Andrea has talk show experience on the Playboy Channel, so this would be a snap for her. Or more aptly, an "un"snap for her! (*Rimshot*) The audience was mostly women, so Andrea was upset that they would undoubtedly judge her negatively - especially when her guest was porn "star" Bridget the Midget. (Why are all porn actors dubbed "stars?")
Bridget waddled out to the set and climbed up onto the bed to talk. Bridget is hopelessly homely and, well, she's a freaking dwarf for Christ's sake. I can't imagine watching her in a porno but Andrea assured us that George Jefferson himself claims that "every man's fantasy" is to be with a midget. Oh how I wish that tidbit was captured on videotape.
Anyway, Bridget explained how she broke into porn - no, not "My dad left us and my mom was a junkie," but rather, "I was on a set once and they wanted someone to do something really gross with an egg and sticking it up..." We were left to our imaginations after that. Oddly, I found myself thinking it was odd that Bridget was a fertility surgeon in the past. Huh, who knew? Then Bridget whipped out her midget boobs to a disapproving crowd. And gee, since she looked like a fat 4th grade boy covered in Bazooka Joe tattoos getting ready to go for a dip, I can't imagine why.
CC was up next and was feeling nauseous. Of course, so was I after Bridget’s little display (pun intended) but CC was sickened for different reasons. He was terribly nervous about his show and "needed a drink." Surprisingly, desperate Surreal Life producers didn't toss him a bottle of JD, and before he knew it, he was on stage. He took the stage like a pro and seemed like a natural.
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