His guest was some really old guy who is in shape. I'm not sure why that's interesting, but apparently it is as the crowd went wild for Jonny Jay Holliday. Backstage, Alexis Arquette asked, "Whoa! You're allowed to show scrotum on television? Oh, that's his face!" Zing! If he came up with that all by himself, I'll call him a she from here on out. The old guy put on an impressive display of pull-ups and CC survived. I chuckled to myself thinking, "Ha, if you think that's tough, try watching the whole season of "The Surreal Life."

Alexis was up next with his show. George Jefferson had to explain the mess to Marla Gibbs and Random Woman; "David Arquette? That's his brother or sister or whatever." I'll go with "Whatever." Less identifiable was his guest, "Pepe the King Prawn." Note the irony here: Alexis is on the show because he is from a famous Hollywood family and yet, his guest is a sock. An unfunny sock at that. Maybe Pepe has a following somewhere, but I'm not aware of it. I'm sure they're the same people who are still trying to convince my that Spongebob is worth my while.

Alexis solicited audience questions for the prawn to respond to and sadly, got none. He chalked this, of course, up to the audience's homophobia and discomfort with a transwhatever. Sigh... Dude you had a puppet as a guest your jokes were again all based on your transwhateverality and sex. Here's a hint: stop focusing on your unique sexuality and start having normal conversations. It's pretty simple, really. But at least Alexis's show wouldn't be the worst mess of the night - Tawny was still to come!

Yes, Tawny Kitaen and her, "Throwin' it Down with Tawny" nonsense. She was revved up and determined to "bring down" the lovely lady who brought up three very lovely girls. For shame, Tawny, for shame. Before she got to her insane personal vendetta, she warmed the crowd up with her monologue. Last week, I wrote out her strange, racist, unfunny joke about Asian drivers and sports. I called out the writer who I thought had written that terrible joke for her. Well, I can vouch that the "joke" in question was straight from the addled brain of Ms. Kitaen. The only question then was whether or not she'd actually use it...

She did. It went over like a racist unfunny joke should. VH1 helped out by editing in a disappointed looking Asian man in the audience - thanks! She followed that "joke" with another about her arrest for beating up her second husband - spousal abuse is always funny, dontcha know. She was apparently offended that the news reports stated she beat Chuck Finley with a "$70 pair of 'hooker shoes.' I assure you, if I really did that, it would be with a $700 pair of Manolo Blahniks!" I blow my nose funnier than Tawny's standup.

This "joke" led into a bust on Florence Henderson, stating that her entire shoe collection was worth less than $60. Way to endear yourself to the crowd, Tawny. Backstage Alexis gasped, "Oh, it's about to get SAVAGE!" Oh, dear Alexis, how I wish this whole show was SAVAGE!" Imagine if we had SAVAGE wreaking his SAVAGE Hershey-squirting skidmarked SAVAGERY in the house all the time!? Sigh.

Tawny began her "gotcha" interview by unwittingly embarrassing herself by saying, "Flo, I've read your biography and I gotta be honest with you... The 'DaVinci Code' was thinner and easier to read!" In other words, Dan Brown is Tawny's Dostoevsky. But even worse was Tawny's random snipe that Flo's mother was a liar for no reason. And Wilmer Valderrama wasn't even there.

The housemates were stunned at the accusation and the studio audience was incredulous. How DARE anyone impugn dear, aging Carol Brady! The silence quickly turned to boisterous boos when Tawny said that Flo, "Could be a royal pain in the ass" and, "Pushy." Tawny went on to dredge up the rumor about Flo dating Greg Brady on-set which the grand dame deflected with aplomb. In fact, Mrs. Brady was a champ through the whole ridiculous ordeal and it thankfully ended quickly enough.

Once offstage, the other cast mates castigated Tawny. When Steve politely suggested that the interview was a bit harsh, he was deemed a, "Mrs. Brady Lover." On what planet is that an insult? Who doesn't love Mrs. Brady? Cripes, she made the mullet hot and let her eldest daughter wear micro miniskirts. I'll go on record - I'm a "Mrs. Brady Lover." Even at 72 years old, I'd still be happy to play ball in her house, ifyouknowwhatI'msayin.'

CC consoled Flo by putting his arm around her and saying, "I'm sure you've been called a lot worse by a lot better people." Flo countered, "I've NEVER been called a lot worse, no. Never." Wow, 72 years, many of them spent in the evil den of Hollywood, and Mrs. Brady had never been upbraided worse in her life than on "The Surreal Life" by a cracked out has-been named Tawny Kitaen. This is history in the making, folks!

The biggest laugh of the show came when Tawny defended herself saying, "I'm a hard-hitting journalist!" You see goddamnit, this is what Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity hath wrought - every Tom, Dick, and Tawny thinks they are now a "journalist" simply by being an asshole. Hell, by that logic, I've been a "journalist" since 2nd grade. Then things got weird. Not quite Chyna Doll Surreal Life 4 weird, but weird enough.

Posted by on April 28, 2006 4:07 PM