AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! What was THAT?! "The Surreal Life" got bloody horrorshow on us with a quick trip to the Tranny Lagoon. I've ruffled some reader's feathers by continuing to call Alexis Arquette a "he" simply because he's a guy with a penis - call me crazy. But now I defy you, dear Alexis apologists, to look at the picture below and find one feminine quality about it. Guys, sear this image into your brain so the next time you're with your girl, you can hold out longer - if not indefinitely. TVgasm - the blog that cares.

Alexis was discussing the previous day's talk show debacle with Tawny; "Carol Brady is a national treasure," he said. I did hear a rumor that she was slated to be chiseled next to George Washington up on Mount Rushmore, but June Cleaver was causing a stink. Tawny was feeling quite upset about the audience reaction to her downright evil gonzo Mrs. Brady interview. So down, in fact, that she shoveled a handful of unidentified pills into her mouth as she went to sleep the night before, perhaps to forget about her misdeeds. Awwww, poor Tawny.

The Surreal Times was delivered and CC retrieved it. What wacky activity would the gang be challenged with today? "Talk Dirty to Me" the headline screamed - yeah right, this crew? They are as sexy as a pile of socks. Oh wait, apparently that's the title of an old Poison song from back in the day. CC, as you'll recall, was the guitarist in that truly awful band - and he was (of course) nervous and needed a drink because this was his sooooooong, maaaan - so the onus was on him. When a recovering alcoholic mentions having a drink at the drop of a hat, how long can he last?

The Surreal Six would have to form a band and perform that song in front of a crowd. Not only that, there would be competition from an as-of-yet unnamed band; the winner gets $5000. Should they win, the Surrealers would donate their money to charity, of course. (Which is funny, because I don't think any of them are particularly well off these days, except for maybe Tawny from her two divorce settlements.) I immediately began hoping that their challengers would be mentally challenged kids and that Tawny would call them insensitive names. (A must read, if you don't know why I said that.)

The instructions said that Tawny would be in charge as band manager - because she did so well on the Smashmouth video shoot? Because her professionalism was unmatched on her talk show just the day before? Nope, because she's a coked out bitch and the producers are desperate for fireworks this season. Not that I'm complaining.

As part of the act, each Surrealer would play the part of a hair band rocker - and some would even play instruments. The fact that CC is the only one in the house with an ounce of musical ability didn't seem to dissuade them from being excited. (Oh yeah, they probably were thinking they'd be up against a bunch of retarded kids. Or maybe that was just me.)

To affect the pose of a hair band backup singer, Tawny decided she needed a blond wig. There was a room full of such wigs, but she apparently preferred Alexis's personal wigs and asked to borrow one from him. Something obviously transpired which was left on the cutting room floor because Alexis acted as though Tawny asked if she could bogart some more coke or something. Hey, it's not like that stuff is free, y'know.

The following is a direct trannyscript; decipher for yourselves: "When Tawny wanted to borrow my wigs that are part of me, and when she invalidates that, she says that I'm fake. That was really unsensitive. On one hand, she wouldn't let me be the lead singer, on the other hand, she wanted to borrow my wig." Unfair editing? I'll grant you that the last sentence was very most likely out of context - but I defy you to put it in any context. Any context, that is, other that, "I ate a bunch of magic mushrooms and after I swore my legs melted into pools of hot lime Jell-O, I began arguing with my stuffed unicorn - who was on fire but unaffected - about her 'Josie and the Pussycats' doll friends. On the one hand, she wouldn't let me be lead singer, on the other hand, she wanted to borrow my wig. Leaf-cutter ants marched from my pee-hole with pieces of my spleen in their clutches." Gotcha Alexis, it all makes sense now.

Posted by on May 3, 2006 7:20 PM