This week's show started off with Ashley telling us that his birthday was coming up, but in typical doe-eyed fashion, he said he didn't want Tiffany to go out of her way at all. Of course, we knew that was exactly what would happen. Nevertheless, after the generic opening credits, we then found ourselves in Glendale, California, a.k.a. Ashley's newish 'hood. He and Tiffany lay in bed together, pondering such weighty topics as sleep and how much they love sleep and wanting to sleep all day and oh yeah, Dan's coming over today! Yay! (Uh, who?) After stroking his chest one time too many (at least for me), Tiff then put on her baby-talk voice and said, "Baby, your birthday's coming up soon!" BABY!!! It's coming up, BABY!!!

But babe, Ashley doesn't want to do anything for his birthday! Babe, he never celebrated his birthday as a kid. Don't you hear me, BABE? Well, Tiffany was not happy with this response, and said, you guessed it, "Baby..." This was then followed by, "I don't like that answer, baby. That wasn't what I was looking for." Around this time I was sort of wishing that Scarlet would come in and hit them both over the head with a frying pan.

Well, despite his protests, Tiffany went ahead and began planning a surprise party while Ashley stepped outside to call his manager Larry, a.k.a. the only man proud to share names with "Leisure Suit Larry." Anyway, Ashley had some pressing financial issues, as usual. "Every time I check my bank account, I get freaked out," he said. Huh. Then maybe you shouldn't have bought a house. It's called "waiting until you've saved up the money." I know, crazy concept.

Later on, Dan showed up at the house. Who's Dan? Well, just another crazy cat from O-Town! He was in G-Town (that's Glendale Town) as part of the "Boys of Summer" tour, or as its more commonly known: the worst tour of all time. Yes, this wonderful tour featured all sorts of former boy band guys like Jordan Knight and Jeff Timmons (From 98 Degrees. The non-Lachey one. No, not the dorky guy with the beard. The other one).

Anyway, Ashley introduced Dan to Scarlet (who shockingly was not chugging down a margarita), and then the two took a stroll down memory lane as they watched home videos of the O-Town days. Was it me, or did Ashley sort of look older than he does now when he was younger? Did that make sense? Oh, never mind.

Afterwards, the guys headed into the kitchen where Tiffany was carving out an avocado and then mused about life after boy band. "What we do after the group is gonna do so much more to like justify..." Dan said, trailing off. "...the members of O-Town actually being talented," Ashley said, finishing the sentence. Yes, what you guys are doing now really will prove to the world what wonderful artists you are. For instance, Dan's boy band tour is very impressive. And hey, Ashley's doing a reality show! Two luminaries indeed! Somebody call the Kennedy Center!

Just when this summer afternoon was shaping up to be one of the very best ever, bad news descended from on high. Tiffany discovered that the Boys of Summer concert at the House of Blues HAD BEEN CANCELLED!! Could this be true? Yup. Dan went to the internet and read the news with his own two eyes, causing Ashley to pop out of the scene (oh god) and address us in his trademark way. "This is awkward!" he said. You don't know the half of it.

"We used to sell out our tours, and now this? Poor Dan!" Ash continued. "What do I say? Do I change the subject and compliment his hat? Should we watch more O-Town videos? I don't know. That might make him feel worse!" What a predicament! Well, the screen unfroze, and Dan ambled out of the house in high spirits (although you could tell he was crying inside. As Ashley said, poor Dan!!).

The next morning, Ash announced at breakfast that he wanted to have a yard sale, but Tiffany quickly shot him down. "We're not having a yard sale in this neighborhood. It's a nice neighborhood!" Look, it's Glendale, not Bel Air. And furthermore, what the hell did Tiffany put on her breakfast? I know I saw her use the maple syrup, but that was some of the nastiest shit I'd ever seen. It's like she'd doused her waffles with swamp water. Or something worse.

Well, despite Tiffany's protests, Ashley went ahead with his yard sale, which was the perfect opportunity for Scarlet to crack open some morning Heinekens and hone her inner-alcoholic. Amazingly, people showed up to this bauble showcase, which featured knickknacks from all the finest souvenir shops in America. I was personally shocked -- SHOCKED -- that Ash would offer up his metallic replica of the Chrysler Building, but maybe that's because he thought it was the Empire State Building (the dumbass had this thing for years and thought it was a completely different building. Awesome).

Posted by B-side on February 6, 2006 4:19 PM