Golden Gasms 2005: Winners Revealed! - 
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It's official. The votes have been cast, the results have been tallied, and the all-Beyoncé musical medley has been performed on stage. Without further ado, we present the winners of the 2005 Golden Gasm Awards, honoring the best and worst of the television landscape.
Our esteemed panel of judges includes the TVgasm staff (B-Side, J-Unit, sg-dub, youcantmakeitup, Kat, copygodd, and EdHill) as well as invited guests from the blogosphere and beyond. They are (in alphabetical order):
- Jake Bronstein, formerly of Road Rules and FHM
- Andy Dehnart of Reality Blurred
- Mark Lisanti of Defamer.com
- Madeyoulaugh, formerly of TVgasm.com
- Paul Scheer of VH1's Best Week Ever
Winners will receive a free dinner at The Olive Garden (redeemable until September 30, 2005) as well as commemorative index cards with their names written on them. We all agree that this is a fantastic deal.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the envelope please...
Most Memorable Moment, Scripted:
- Curtis punches Mandy in the face, 24
- Ari loses everything, Entourage
- Mischa Barton's lesbian kiss, The OC
- Mischa Barton tosses lawn furniture, The OC
- The hatch opens, Lost
- Elizabeth Rohm's surprise lesbian twist, Law & Order
- Rosie O'Donnell portrays a mentally challenged woman, Riding the Bus with My Sister
- "Narm", Six Feet Under
Right out of the gate we had a very tight race. 24 fans pushed hard for Curtis's big smackdown of Mandy, but Rosie prevailed by one vote. sg-dub reasoned, "Gotta give it up for the REAL lesbian in this category - not the two fake ones." Hard to argue with that. Still, that didn't stop Mark Lisanti from giving an impassioned plea for Mischa Barton's lawn furniture jamboree: "Nothing can compare to that singular moment where Mischa Barton unleashed her fury on that unsuspecting deck furniture, then reached impossibly deep into her own soul to let loose that primal scream, that banshee wail, the very sound of God letting the air out of the balloon of Faith through the pinched valve of Coop's anguish." Let's put it this way: it was a great year for scripted disasters.
Most Memorable Moment, Unscripted:
- Jonathan Baker shoves Victoria Fuller, The Amazing Race 6
- Tyra Banks yells at Tiffany, America's Next Top Model: Cycle 4
- Tana gets "crunkified", The Apprentice 3
- Janelle wins Head of Household, yells "Bye Bye Bitches!", Big Brother 6
- Kelly Monaco upsets John O'Hurley, Dancing with the Stars
- Tom Cruise goes nuts, The Oprah Winfrey Show
- Danny's mom dies, The Real World Austin
No surprise here. Tommy boy's rampage blew away the competition, with the closest rival being Danny learning about the death of his mother. It was hard to top the Tom Cruise meltdown. Mark Lisanti called it "a moment that transcends the medium." Paul Scheer commented, "I didn't know if he was going to burst out into song or slice Oprah's throat." And B-Side wrote, "There's something awesomely transfixing about a sexually ambiguous Scientologist jumping on Oprah's couch. Kind of like Niagra Falls. Or a car wreck. Or a car wreck at Niagra Falls." Tom, you may not have an Oscar yet, but at least you've got a Gasm.
Best New Series:
- Battlestar Galactica
- Beauty and the Geek
- Dancing with the Stars
- Desperate Housewives
- Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
- Laguna Beach
- Lost
- Veronica Mars
The votes were pretty mixed for this category. Battlestar Galactica enjoyed some high praise from J-Unit and Paul Scheer, with the former exclaiming, "Robot sex. Yay!" and the latter noting, "Sex, Betrayal, and More Sex. Finally a Sci-Fi Nerd Show that is so Good that even Non Nerds Are Watching, That's a Feat. Suck it Babylon 5." Garnering even more votes was Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, which B-Side called, "Funny, insightful, and full of Star-Jones-bashing. That's all I could ever ask." But the lion's share of the vote went to Lost. Why? According to Mark Lisanti, because "Desperate Housewives is for bitches."
Best Villain:
- Dina Araz, 24
- The Friendship, Big Brother 6
- Jonathan Baker, Amazing Race 6
- Julie Cooper, The OC
- Rob and Amber, Amazing Race 7
- Star Jones, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
- Veronica, Rachel, and Tina, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno 2
- Wendy Pepper, Project Runway
Talk about a tight race, we nearly had a three-way tie with Rob and Amber, The Friendship, and Julie Cooper. But luckily, one last vote at the eleventh hour put Newport's favorite bitch over the top. And she deserved it too. J-Unit wrote, "[She has] Everything you like in a villain. Hot, slightly slutty, very deadly." And let's not forget, "porn-tastic."
Best Rivalry:
- Chuck vs. Richard, Beauty and the Geek
- Janelle vs. The Friendship, Big Brother 6
- Janice Dickenson vs. Omarosa, The Surreal Life 5
- John O'Hurley vs. Kelly Monaco, Dancing with the Stars
- Kristin vs. LC, Laguna Beach
- Randy Moss's Ass vs. Green Bay, Fox Sports
- Tonya vs. Veronica and Rachel, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno 2
It looked like John O'Hurley and Kelly Monaco were going to dance away with this award, but no one could deny the rollercoaster of bitchiness that's been Janelle vs. The Friendship. According to EdHill, it was an epic rivalry: "David VS. Goliath. Good VS. Evil. Fun, cute, smart, VS. old, fat, dumb." Who said reality TV was trashy?
Best Fight:
- "Cappy" vs. Michael, Big Brother 6
- Brad vs. The Miz vs. an atomic wedgie, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno 2
- Curtis vs. many terrorist henchmen, 24
- Marissa vs. Trey vs. Ryan vs. a gun, The OC
- Danny vs. the city of Austin, Real World: Austin
- Tonya vs. Beth vs. Louis Vuitton luggage, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno 2
- Freddy vs. a rapidly closing metal gate, Amazing Race 6
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