Golden Gasms 2005: Winners Revealed! - 
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We thought this would be a blow-out for Danny, but amazingly, "Freddy vs. a rapidly closing metal gate" lost by only one vote. sg-dub reminisced on the Amazing Race moment fondly: "'Whoever is responsible for this, I'm gonna break them in two!' I'm sure Mr. Gravity God got a kick out of that one. The best part? Remember the same gate slammed down on little Hera's head as well, but she didn't have a hissy fit. And then Freddy ate his own vomit. Awesome." Awesome indeed. Still, Danny's skull-cracking performance had its champions. J-Unit wrote, "This punch was well-deserved, although we can only hope it isn't the last time his face is rearranged."
Most Annoying Male:
- Kevin Federline, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
- Constantine Maroulis, American Idol
- David Lampson, Situation: Comedy
- Richard, Beauty and the Geek
- Tom Cruise, The Oprah Winfrey Show
- Ty Pennington, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Tom Cruise just barely lost out (by one vote) on a double Gasm win, but alas, our old friend Constantine topped him (no, not like that). "I hated every second this guy appeared on my television screen," commented B-Side. Paul Scheer had a more descriptive response: "Not only annoying but also scary. His hair said unemployed, his eyes said serial killer. Give him 2 years, he'll be luring people into a well in his basement and saying things like, 'It puts lotion on itself.'" Extra bonus points to Ty Pennington, however, for coming in third place. Andy Dehnart simply had this to say: "For the love of all things unscripted, somebody needs to tell Ty to shut the f*ck up."
Most Annoying Female:
NOMINEES:
- April, Big Brother 6
- Kendra, Amazing Race 6
- Ivette, Big Brother 6
- Mikalah Gordon, American Idol
- Rosie O'Donnell, Riding the Bus with My Sister
- Britney Spears, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
WINNER: Ivette, Big Brother 6
Big Brother fans know her all too well: the loud voice, the moronic commentary, the blind devotion to "Cappy." Yes, Ivette was the clear winner of this category, but that didn't mean the other nominees got no love. Paul Scheer was a Britney Spears booster, writing, "Makes you long for the wit and wisdom of Jessica Simpson." Mark Lisanti, meanwhile, praised Rosie O'Donnell: "A performance so bone-chillingly realistic that O'Donnell is said to have ridden a short bus to the set each day." EdHill, although he voted for Ivette, had probably the most stinging response of all: "Shame on you for leaving out Tara Reid in Taradise." Duly noted. Duly noted.
Keep Your Day Job:
NOMINEES:
- Bobby Brown, Being Bobby Brown
- Tommy Hilfiger, The Cut
- Kathy Hilton, I Want To Be A Hilton
- Britney Spears, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
- Reality Stars, Kill Reality
WINNER: Tommy Hilfiger, The Cut
The stiff, waxen Tommy Hilfiger easily rocked the competition here, but that's not to say there weren't dissenting voices. J-Unit lambasted the Reality Stars of Kill Reality, writing, "How to get other people to take you seriously, lesson number 542: Don't shit where people sleep." Pretty much everyone, however, questioned whether many of these nominees even had a day job. Perhaps Kat phrased it best: "Isn't making an ass of oneself all these nominees's day jobs? I vote for all of them."
Most Overhyped:
- Deadwood
- Desperate Housewives
- Entourage
- Lost
- The OC
- Veronica Mars
The biggest blowout of the Golden Gasms. Nearly everyone hated on the women of Wysteria Lane. After all, according to Paul Scheer, "It's just a late night Cinemax Movie without the Nudity."
Worst Show of the Year:
- Battle of the Network Reality Stars
- Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
- George Lopez
- Joey
- Kill Reality
- Unscripted
- Who's Your Daddy?
- Yes, Dear
Man, this award really divided the voting body. Everyone pretty much fell into three camps: Who's Your Daddy?, Battle of the Network Reality Stars, and Kill Reality. For the record, Youcantmakeitup opted for a write-in vote by suggesting the very deserving Mind of Mencia. It seemed like Battle of the Network Reality Stars had the edge, and Jake Bronstein, a former reality star himself, commented, "They asked me to take part. Thank god I came to my senses. The name alone is an acronym for BONeRS." In the end though, the dubious honors fell to Kill Reality which sg-dub was more than happy to pan: "Seriously, this show is below 'Bum Fights' on the Disgraceful-o-Meter." I'm sure all the people who love watching Jonny Fairplay getting drunk and pooping would have to disagree.
Most Annoying Trend:
- Indie band cameos on The OC
- Celebrity reality shows
- Lost clones
- Feel-good reality TV
- Unfunny sitcoms
We want comedy, dammit! Copygodd said it best: "Given an infinite amount of time, an infinite number of monkeys will eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Obviously, the monkeys running Hollywood have not been given enough time." For the record, indie bands on The OC came in with a strong second place. "How many whiny white kids can you possibly fit into one show?" asked J-Unit, "Is there not one reggae cover band that these SoCal kids wouldn't pay to see?"
Best Talk Show Host:
- Conan O'Brien
- Jimmy Kimmel
- David Letterman
- Jay Leno
- Jon Stewart
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