This week's episode started off with Alex still reeling from his fallout with Kristin. After his triumphant victory on ESPN last week, he was expecting nothing but celebration and adoration, but instead, all he received were bitter rants and a cold shoulder from nearly everyone. For some reason, no one believed that everything was strictly platonic between him and Keagan. They had never hooked up. In fact, what had transpired was nothing more than some innocent schoolwork. Alex explained, "One day at school, she came up to me in the hallway, and I was like 'I got a project to do,' and she was like 'Well, you need some help doing it?' and I said, 'Yeah, sure.' She came over. Nothing happened." Of course, it just so happened that this project was called "When a boy and a girl have sex." Okay, I made that up, but who else totally heard porno music playing as they replayed this alleged scene in their heads?

"What does it mean when they call you a 'young Thomas Hayden Church?'"

Well, Kristin was quite angry about all the rumors, and for now, the two were broken up. Keagan, meanwhile, defended herself, saying she'd never hooked up with Alex. In fact, she insisted that she'd never even been alone with him! But wait! What about the project? Did she or didn't she? I mean, who cares about if they hooked up. I just need to know what their joint shoebox diorama looked like (because that's CLEARLY what the project was. I just can tell).

I'll just assume it looked like this. It's supposed to be the Crusades.

All this drama was fun, but there was football to be had. The guys were none too pleased when they found out the official name for that day's Rush Propst regimen was "Get Tough!" Apparently, none of these guys were tough enough, and dammit, they needed to get tough (hence the name) because this week's game was against the cross-town rival: SPAIN PARK! Oh, those Spain Park jerks! They probably think they're all special with their fancy name that evokes images of a verdant, European recreational area. WELL! Hoover's named after an American President! Take that, commies!

USA! USA! USA!

Sorry. This show makes me oddly jingoistic. Anyway, while the guys got tough (whenever I say that phrase, just imagine Rush Propst spitting, turning to the camera, and then giving the thumbs up), Kristin was gettin' emotional at home with her bestie, Blair. In case you didn't know, Kristin was still upset with Alex; so much so that her life was slowly turning into a Michelle Branch song. "You look around, and everything reminds you of him," she said. "EVERYTHING!" Yes, it's almost as if she lives in a room decorated with cheerleading and football memorabilia. Funny how that happens.

Nevertheless, Kristin hoped that this whole mess could be resolved by the homecoming dance. Otherwise, who would she go with? One downside about living in a Southern football town: no gay best friend to take to a dance in a clutch. Even that other MTV Kristin had her token gay buddy in Laguna.

Anyway, the next day in class, Alex received wonderful news: he had scored an 82 on an exam! I'm surprised coach Rush Propst didn't barge in, spit on the paper, and then shove it in Alex's mouth, yelling "GET TOUGH!!!" Well, after everyone had received their grades, the meek teacher then got to today's lesson: what do women want in a relationship? Huh? What sort of class was this? I had a feeling this teacher may have been projecting some sort of indirect spinster rage at the boys. Wasn't this supposed to be a history class? All the posters on the wall had to do with Anglo-Saxons and The Middle Ages and Shakespeare. Maybe the students were about to take a gender-relationship approach as to why Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn never quite hit it off. What women want: to not be BEHEADED.

"Okay, class, let's talk about why men are evil and don't know a good thing when it's standing right in front of them."

Well, after one girl recited all the things the girls wanted from the boys, Alex then read all the things the boys wanted from the girls: "Good cook. She needs to be able to catch your eye, if you know what I mean. [no, we didn't know what you meant. Does that mean that she's supposed to literally catch an eyeball???] No nagging. Comes from money." Yes, that's wonderful. And once the guys were done living in fantasy land, they headed right back out to practice, which featured more of the same: grunting, sweating, and lots of Rush Propst yelling and spitting. And yes, in case you're wondering, it's driving me nuts that his name is "Propst," not "Probst."

"That's not a spit."

"THAT'S a spit!"

Posted by B-side on August 31, 2006 6:59 PM