That night, a bunch of the teens indulged their stomaches by eatin' good in the neighborhood. Yes, Kristin and a gaggle of friends hit up the culinary mecca that is Applebees (a fixture in my high school experience too, sad to say), and while everyone noshed on onion peels and whatnot, Kristin busted out a camcorder and announced that she would be asking everyone whether or not she and Alex should get back together. Why, this wasn't completely self-absorbed at all!

Well, the first person she questioned was a chunky football player named Goose, who Alex told us had a thing for Kristin. He refused to say whether or not Kristin should get back with her boy (he loved her, but could he backstab a teammate? The eternal quandary of Two-A-Days!). Best Friend Blair, however, told Kristin that Alex shouldn't have lied, but if he worked hard and earned back her trust, then yes, they should get back together. Shut up, Blair. You're boring. Never speak again.

With that, this official meeting of the Applebees Council came to a close (take THAT, Algonquin Roundtable!). Next up for the kids was a rousing time at the bowling alley where Kristin was assaulted by text messages from Alex. "Well that last 1 got me calmd down.. U gna be alone when I call?Dnt wna have" he wrote cryptically, but alas, his estranged girlfriend had not time to read the rest. It was her turn to bowl, and wouldn't you know it? She got a strike! This somehow led to a discussion about Goose, who Kristin said was one of her best friends. "When Alex would hurt me, Goose would be over there. I'd be crying on his shoulder," Kristin told us, clearly unaware of what we like to call, "The Cockblock."

We then saw one unfortunate girl named Brittany try to bowl a ball down the lane, but alas, her fingers were too stumpy, and the ball awkwardly refused to launch from her hand, causing laughter all around (including from me. I'm a sucker for good slapstick. The only thing better than a stubborn bowling ball is a ball that falls prematurely. Oh, that gets me every time. If you've never seen that happen, you're missing out).

Anyway, after Brittany dislodged the ball from her kung-fu grip, we returned to Kristin who was now mildly flirting with Goose. "You smell good," she said.

"Do I? Well, good!" he replied happily. Somebody's gonna be jerkin' off tonight! (Okay, I apologize for inserting that image in all y'alls heads).

Presciently, Alex then texted Kristin, "No now goose is gna suk pu to u sum more n try n get u against me." Why would Goose ever do that? Just because he's been secretly pining for Kristin every single day for the past three years to the point where he has a makeshift shrine fueled by the blood of dead hobos he kills for her love? Sheesh.

After the commercial break, we found ourselves listening to the gentle tunes of a clarinet. Did Woody Allen suddenly join the squad? And if not, could he? Because that would be awesome. Anyway, it turned out that the clarinetist was none other than Bryan, the large, imposing offensive tackle for the team. Turns out he's quite the music buff and relies on it to help him through the pain of practice. To demonstrate his love for music, he then began singing in the car, and... was he singing show tunes? Do his teammates know about this? We then found out that not only is Bryan on the football squad, he's also in the marching band too. Yes, during the off-season, he trades in his jock card for his dork card as he parades around, annoying pretty much anyone within earshot (sorry, some early morning experiences with the college marching band running through my dorm have left me bitter). Anyway, Bryan was a committed bandcamp dude, and even though football should have been his top priority, he couldn't resist standing by a window, watching his marching band brethren practice for the big game. Another torturous conflict!

We then watched some offensive blocking drills (which would have been much more entertaining had they been augmented with some crazy clarinet, you know, in honor of Bryan), and then we moved onto Ross, the struggling quarterback who's been attempting to fill his brother's giant, accomplished shoes. For those of you who don't remember, Ross's brother had been the star quarterback and had brought home two state championships for the school and then gone on to glory and success and happiness and general amazingness (I heard he once saved a baby seal from a vicious clubbing!). Ross, on the other hand, kind of sucked. His biggest accomplishment thus far has been looking like a skinny version of Johnny Moseley.

Anyway, in the last game, Ross had some trouble making decisions in the pocket and throwing to the proper lanes, and if the practice was any indication, those problems hadn't disappeared. "Ross! Who the fuck did you just throw to?" asked an irate Propst at one point. He HATES Ross! He could spit on him all day long and still not be satisfied.

We then popped in on Kristin, and get this: she was still complaining about Alex. I know, it's very shocking. "Alex has never, ever done anything wrong to me at like this level," she said. Yes, the pain one feels from a dishonest diorama experience is the pain that hurts the most.

Posted by B-side on August 31, 2006 6:59 PM