Too Cool by Half - 
by copygodd
After a bit of verbal fisticuffs, Carlito announces his surprise second guest, none other than Chris Masters, whom HBK is scheduled to compete against later tonight. Unfortunately, Masters' pyrotechnics don't work during his entrance, and it's all downhill from there. In the ring, the two team up on HBK, who's eventually saved by the giant sweat gland known as Ric Flair. WOOOO!!!
After the break, Carlito and Masters are complaining to general manager Eric Bischoff about what just happened. "I think I have a solution," says Bischoff. To which Carlito responds, "Alright then, solute the problem." Evidently, mangling the English language is cool. Bischoff then puts Carlito and Masters in a tag match against Flair and HBK. That's not cool.
Time for a Handicap Match between the Big Show and two guys who lost a bet, Steve Madison and Buck Quartermain. (Personally, I think Quartermain came up with his name using the "What's Your Porn Name?" technique, when you combine your middle name with the name of the street you grew up on. For the record, mine is Edward Wymore.) In the words of JR, the Big Show was "tossing bodies around like they were double-meat cheeseburgers." (Yeah, I don't know what it means either.)
Ooh, look, it's the RAW Divas, Tori Wilson and that Candice chick from the GoDaddy commercial. They want to apologize to Ashley, the newest Diva, for the beatdown they gave her last week. Ashley comes out and... Ah, who gives a crap.
Looks like Larry the Cable Guy is going to be joining the RAW roster soon. Oh wait, that's just Murdoch, one-half of the WWE's newest stereotypes, Cade and Murdoch. This is bad. A styrofoam cup of Skoal juice has more charisma than these two. The only thing to look forward to here is that Murdoch also happens to be the Deliverance-rapist, and the WWE just hasn't had enough Deliverance-rape lately.
Uh-oh, one of the WWE interns has grabbed a microphone and interrupts Edge during a heartfelt sing-a-long of Kumbaya. Wait, those aren't just some random hippies with Edge, it's Alter Bridge, the band who performs his new theme song. Edge goes on to do a lame promo for tonight's "Street Fight" with Matt Hardy. Not to be outdone, Matt Hardy and Lita follow up with an even lamer promo for tonight's Street Fight. "You can go to Hell," Lita tells Matt, who, channeling the spirit of Ben Affleck, tells her, "Oh, I'll go to Hell. But I'm not going alone. I'm taking Edge with me." This begs the question, which is faker: Matt Hardy/Ben Affleck's acting or Lita's boobs/camel toe? Discuss.
A random tech guy is seen running into HBK's locker room. What's wrong? It's Ric Flair! He's been mauled by a killer rabbit! With big pointy teeth! Actually, he's just been attacked by unknown assailants. I like the killer rabbit story better, though. Why did the random tech guy run and grab HBK? Weren't there any EMTs hanging around backstage? Maybe he get confused by the three letters: EMT? HBK? Fortunately, the real EMTs soon show up, only to pronounce Flair DOA.
After watching the Street Fight between Edge and Matt Hardy v6.9, I take back all the jokes I've made about them over the past few weeks. This was a fun match. For the uninitiated, in a Street Fight, there are no rules. Just right. (Tonight's Street Fight brought to you by Outback Steakhouse.) This means you can use anything you want to attack your opponent. Tonight's items included: a trash can lid, trash can, kendo stick/Singapore cane, steel chair, steel ladder, steel steps, steel magnolias and, eventually, the electronics table and about 400 kajillion megagigawatts of electricity. JR calls the match "legalized mayhem" adding, "these two men, if they're not in Hell, they're at the city limits." The Coach points out that technically, Hell is more of a kingdom than a city, and that JR should have said "they're at the kingdom limits" but then realizes how gay that sounds and shuts up.
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