The Rock and a Hard Place - 
by copygodd
Tonight’s RAW kicked off in a big way with the Big Show taking on Edge. Big Show was having his way with the smaller Edge until Snitsky, Show's opponent at this Sunday's Unforgiven PPV, interfered. Not one to be outdone by a toe-sniffing perv like Snitsky, Matt Hardy rushed the ring and attacked Edge. Not one to be outdone by a no-talent ass-clown like Matt Hardy, Eric Bischoff then stopped the match and made a tag match between Edge and Snitsky versus Big Show and Matt Hardy. The match is okay, but the commentary is definitely top-notch. Case in point: JR asks "Where else can you find the athleticism, the drama and the impact you find here every Monday night?" King adds, "Don't forget the action, adventure and a little humor thrown in every now and then." Coach then butts in with, "And the homoeroticism. Don't forget the homoeroticism." "Oh yeah," the other announcers agree. "We can't forget the homoeroticism." Later, when Big Show drops Edge on the family jewels, Coach points out the distraught look on Lita's face, explaining "she knows what's coming -- or not coming -- in a little while." (Finally, some non-gay commentary from the Coach. Although it was still centered around the output of Edge's thingy.) Eventually, Edge takes out the Big Show with his metal briefcase, and Matt Hardy loses. Again. To add insult to injury, Lita kicks him in the nuts before delivering Matt's own finishing move, the Twist of Fate. Then she pees on him.
Up next we're treated to a match featuring the WWE's newest racist, Kerwin White. In case you don't know K-White's back-story, he used to be Chavo Guererro, but got tired of being mistaken for a certain spicy Latina waitress from Miami. So he dyed his hair blonde, legally changed his name to Kerwin White and is now mistaken for a certain blonde VIP cocktail waitress from Miami. Actually, he now claims to represent all of middle-class America, because as we all know, middle class America hates blacks. Tonight, K-White is fighting Shelton Benjamin, one of the few African Americans currently employed by the WWE. This whole racist bit is really, really lame, and during the match I actually found myself missing Coach's blatant gay-libbing. The match ends when K-White is disqualified for breaking a nine-iron over Benjamin's back.
Next up is a pre-taped Kurt Angle promo for Sunday's title match with John Cena. Angle refers to himself as "the most intense, vicious son-of-a-bitch in the WWE." He's so intense that he never blinks during the entire 60-second spot. Which means either Kurt really is as intense as he says, or he just really, really needs to get laid. Of course, Kurt isn't just vicious and intense. He also spits. A lot. In fact, I'd say Kurt Angle spits more than my high school prom date, if only I'd gone to the prom.
After a video recap of last week's chick fiasco, Jerry "The King" Lawler delivers what has to be the most awkward product placement in RAW history. The RAW divas come out, and we cut to a shot of Lawler saying "if it's diva time, it's time for 'BOD-Man Body Spray,'" which he sprays all over himself." Just spray some on in the morning, and it lasts all night long, if you know what I mean," he explains. "Hopefully, 'BOD-Man Body Spray' does last all night long," adds the Coach, "as we know you don't." Both announcers then pick on JR, wondering if even "BOD-Man Body Spray" would work for someone as fat as the Boomer Sooner. (All of which begs the question: if JR really is that fat, perhaps he should take some time off from RAW to enter NBC's new season of The Biggest Loser? That way, I could continue to write about him, as I will also be recapping this show later this week. Yay me!) This whole bit serves to reintroduce the women's champ, Trish Stratus, this time as a babyface. A babyface who evidently lost a bet and now has to wear her hair Farrah-style.
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