She's Got Big Balls. - 
by copygodd
Tonight's show opened with the only things in the WWE more fake than the wrestling: Stephanie McMahon's boobs. Not only have they grown exponentially since she was last a featured player on the show, her voice has gone to hell as well. Did they use her vocal cords for added breast perkiness? Anyway, seems Steph's a little upset that the WWE.com voters said she was their favorite Stunnee. Evidently, everyone is just jealous of her. Women hate her because of her body, and the fact that she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. (Guess that explains the voice.) Men are intimidated by her because she has bigger balls than they do. To prove her point, when one of the crew gives her the "Wrap It Up" signal, she slaps the headphones off his head. With her balls.
"My daddy's on his way here, and someone's gonna get fired!" she tells the crowd. Before leaving the arena, she makes the announce team help her up on the announce table, where she precedes to tell everyone, "The bitch is back." She then gives the crowd a look that can best be described as "sorority girl learning there's no more alcohol. Or condoms." The bitch is back, indeed.
1) Rob Conway pins Doink the Clown Doink the Clown is introduced. Grease paint, balloons, green hair, the only thing this Gacy wannabe is missing is the bloody suit. But I'm sure it's balled up in his locker. After a replay of the Conway getting beat up by the WWE Legends last week (including Kevin Von Erich, of the famously doomed Von Erich family), Rob's "Look At Me" music plays, and he poses his way down to the ring. Of course, the Coach can't get himself enough Conway. Other things the Coach can't get enough of: rusty trombones. King blames Doink's prolonged absence on research to perfect elephant manure-proof shoes. (I hope Lawler gets fired. Or at least whoever writes his material.) This match is painful to watch. And not just because I hate clowns. After Conway pins Doink, Eugene bumrushes the ring, only to be beaten down by the Conman. As Conway makes the ref raise his hand, King and Coach make a few tasteless retard jokes at Eugene's expense. Normally, I'd call them out on this, but Eugene did try to save a clown. That's pretty damn retarded.
Everything floats down here.
Coach tells JR the rumors backstage and on the internet are that he, the Coach, is a white woman. Actually, he says the rumors are that JR's going to get fired. "I just want to do my job," JR says. "And find out if Hurley really is Him."
Next up is a recap of the vicious beating Ric Flair took at the hands of HHH last week. Not only is it cut like a death metal video, but it's set to music very reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz. Under normal circumstances, I'd love this. But, coming so close on the heels of that damn clown, I know I'll be sleeping with the lights on tonight.
After the break, it's time for Carlito's Cabana. Sideshow Carl says he'd have helped the McMahons last week, if only he'd known what was going on. Yeah, I'd love to see Carly try to spit an apple in Cold Stone's face. Then he brings up the Iron Match between Kurt Angle and HBK. Almost immediately, he's interrupted by Angle, who's mad at Carlito for calling the match a tie. Just as fast, Angle's interrupted by HBK, who says Angle chickened out of a tie-breaker last week. This means Angle either doesn't want to be Champ, or he's intimidated by Stephanie's balls. Kurt tells HBK he's not afraid of being fired, but Michaels should be. After all, Kurt is the WWE's meal ticket. When he was champ, WCW went out of business. He deserves to be the number one contender. He also deserves to be told the truth about his mouthpiece.
The Big Show makes his way to the ring, telling Kurt that while watching him backstage he had an epiphany: "When you're a giant, you don't have to wait in line. You just cut in front because you can." Unless you're a gentle giant. Or Gentle Ben. Based on that, Show feels he should be number one contender.
Cue Edge, who tells the crowded ring he's the only one with a guaranteed shot at the title. "Last week, I became a career killer," he adds. "The only thing you should be worried about is who'll turn up next to Matt Hardy in the unemployment line." Carlito then calls out Edge for not helping when SmackDown! attacked RAW last week. "All of us in this ring can't stand each other," he says. "But we can agree on two things. One, none of us would mind if McMahon fired you." Well, except for Edge, which kind of makes your logic not cool, Carlito. He continues: "And two, if anyone deserves to be the number one contender, it's Carlito." At that, everyone enjoys a hearty chuckle before John Cena's music hits.
No, you're fired. Bitch.
Rather than trying to recap Cena's delivery, I'll just post a transcript.
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