A Sumbitchin' Good Time. - 
by copygodd
In case you'd forgotten, last week's episode ended with Linda McMahon firing JR, arguably the best announcer in WWE history. But in case you did forget, that's okay, because tonight's RAW kicked off with a video recap of the whole painful event, ending with Linda McMahon stiff-legging JR in the balls.
Vince then comes out and immediately starts hyping the Taboo Tuesday PPV. He tells the crowd he personally challenged Eric Bischoff to come up with something innovative and groundbreaking. In other words, something totally unlike RAW.
Vince addressed Stone Cold's rumored return. If he showed up, Vince just might have to kick his ass. With his face. Vince then introduced a video retrospective of JR's RAW career. This Hallmark card had all the highlights you'd expect: JR kissing McMahon's bare ass; JR being set on fire by Kane; JR getting beaten and bloodied wearing a variety of OU gear; and, of course, last week's nutshot heard 'round the world.
That out of the way, Vince introduces JR's replacement, none other than Jonathan Coachman. Ugh. Coach's new screen introduces his segment as "The Playa's Club, featuring The Coach." Double ugh. And is he wearing JR's hat? Heresy! In the first of many JRism's Coach uses tonight, he tells us "Business is about to pick up." Because he's the new voice of the people, see. That's odd, because I don't know any people who sound like a racially confused/sexually ambigious sycophant. Well, except Coach, of course.
Backstage, Kurt Angle corners Vince and demands he be made the new Number One contender. In the middle of his plea, a hurricane noise sweeps through the arena. A few seconds later, it's the Hurricane! Jebus, how many people have to be killed before Vince kills this bit? The Hurricane defends JR and disses Coach. At that, Vince tells Angle to "Sic him!", and Angle does just that. Good to see Angle is thinking for himself these days.
(1) Kurt Angle defeats The Hurricane The Hurricane put up a valiant effort, but once Angle locked in the Ankle Lock, it was all over. Isn't this guy supposed to be a superhero? Seems the only superpower he has is getting superjobbed. Meanwhile, Coach's commentary consisted entirely of imitating JR. So much so that I'm going to start calling him JC, as in "Man, I wish someone would kick JC in the nuts." After the match, we got our first shot from the Stone Cold-Cam, set up outside to capture Stone Cold's arrival. Although judging by Austin's performance later in the night, a simple breathalyzer would've been just as effective.
Afterward, Vince is seen talking with Eric Bischoff in the leather couch room. "Did you like that? Did you like the way I said 'Sic him!'?" Bug-eyed Vince asked Bischoff, who's clearly uncomfortable with Vince's delivery. Me too. I keep expecting McMahon to tell Bischoff to wake up the gimp. "Yeah, that was great," Eric mutters. McMahon asks Bischoff about Taboo Tuesday's main event, at which point the Bisch comes out of his shell. Basically, he wants to have a Triple Threat Match between John Cena, Kurt Angle, and one of the three winners of tonight's qualifying matches between Big Show and Edge, Carlito and HBK and an 18-Man Over the Top Battle Royale With Cheese! Starting next week, the fans can vote on which of tonight's three winners will be the third man in the Triple Threat Match. Vince finds this to be both cool and competitive and gives Bisch his blessing. Isn't Vince supposed to hate Bischoff? I wish someone would kick them both in the nuts.
Coach introduces his announcing partner, Jerry "The King" Lawler, who tells Coach if his head gets any bigger, he's going to need a 20-gallon hat. And if this gets any lamer, I'm going to need a 20-gallon bucket.
(2) Big Show defeats Edge via pinfall in Qualifying Match The first of tonight's qualifying matches was pretty sloppy. As was the announcing. When Edge hit Big Show with the Spear, JC yelled "Gore! Gore! Gore!" Lawler corrected him, prompting Coach to yell, "So spank me! Spank me! Spank me!" At another point, Coach had this to say about Big Show: "Big Show is so big." Yes, he really said that. And he didn't even follow it up with anything clever like "when he sits around the house, he sits around the house." Lawler immediately took him to task, "You're taking JR's place, and all you can say is 'Big Show is big'? Is that your contribution to RAW? Is that your analytical analysis?" Even Paul Heyman contributed more than this. Eventually, Edge tried to sneak his briefcase into the ring, but was distracted when JBL's music played. Big Show took advantage of the opportunity and pinned Edge.
Afterward, Edge and Lita were complaining to Bischoff about JBL's supposed "interference". Edge told Bischoff he'll be on SmackDown! Friday night to take care of JBL himself. And maybe pork a few divas while he's at it.
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