Bischy says he wants every contracted wrestler to join him in the ring. Right. This. Second. He wants to give them all a piece of his mind. Hopefully, not too big a piece, of course, because his family already has one "special" member in the very special Eugene.

Last night at Survivor Series, the RAW roster let Eric down. And that is unacceptable. "Failures will not be tolerated," he says, as he waits for the wrestlers to make their way down to the ring. When nobody shows, he demands to know if there's some kind of audio problem. Coach, of course, can't understand why the wrestlers aren't lining up in the middle of the ring to fellate the Bisch. "Why would anyone want to make him any madder?" he asks. Because nothing makes Eric madder than not being fellated on basic cable.

It's pretty obvious that none of the wrestlers are coming down to the ring. Easy E's down with that, and says he's heading backstage. And he's going to fire the first person he sees. What do you think the chances of that happening are? If you guessed "No Chance In Hell," give yourself a kewpie doll. Because before Eric can get out of the ring, Mr. McMahon's music hits. Uh-oh, Eric's in trouble now. Vinnie McStrutsalot makes his way down to the ring and asks Eric if he's going to fire him. I'm guessing no.

VKM tells Eric he let him down last night. "You had three goals," Mr. McMahon says. "And none of them were met." In Vin's eyes, that makes Eric a failure. After all, perception is reality. Problem is, if the fans perceive Bisch to be a failure, they'll perceive RAW to be a failure. And if they perceive RAW to be a failure, they'll perceive Mr. McMahon to be a failure. And of course, if there's one thing Vincent K. McMahon most definitely is not, it's a failure. Well, unless you count the XFL, of course.

Vince gives Eric an ultimatum: set a goal tonight, and achieve it. If he doesn't, Vince will start looking for a new general manager. Bischoff starts begging for his job, but once Shane O'Mac's music hits, you know it's going to be a long night for Eric. Shane dances his way down to the ring, almost falls doing the Shane O'Mac Shuffle and then hugs the old man. "I never liked you, Eric," Shane tells Bischoff. "And I'm looking forward to seeing you go. Because I was born for this job." Other things Shane was born for: chin implants.

Mr. McMahon dismisses Eric while he and Shane boogie down in the middle of the ring. Or at least as much as two steroid-using blue-bloods are capable of boogieing down.

After the break, HBK hits the ring. I hit the bottle. And the dreaded "Technical Difficulties" hit RAW. Once those are cleared up, we get footage from an exclusive online interview with Carlito, where he tells Todd Grisham that if he'd been Captain of Team RAW (Carlito, not Todd, which would be like putting Ghandi in charge of the Green Berets), "not only would it have been cooler, but we'd have won."

(1) Shawn Michaels vs Carlito As soon as the match started, Carlito slapped HBK then spit an apple in his face. I like where this is headed. Both wrestlers trade chops before we're interrupted – again – by Technical Difficulties. When we get the picture back, Carlito is trying to pin Michaels. Of course, he couldn't do it. At one point, HBK attempts his patented jump up from a prone position move, only to throw his knee out. Joey Styles says if HBK goes down, "he's going down fighting." As opposed to Coach, who by the sounds of it would go down wearing nothing but a smile. Eventually, HBK delivers some Sweet Chin Music for the win.

Winner: Shawn Michaels via Pinfall.

Cool.

Next we're treated to some pictures from last night's "Last Man Standing" match between Triple H and Ric Flair. You know it was super-bloody because most of the pictures are in black and white. HHH eventually won after taking Flair out with his sledgehammer. The announcers tell us the lesson from last night is that the sledgehammer is too much for any human being to withstand. I don't know, Sledge Hammer doesn't look all that tough to me.

Posted by copygodd on November 30, 2005 1:19 PM