Shawn Michaels is getting dressed when Shelton Benjamin comes up to give him some attitude about what happened in their match last week. HBK had told Benjamin he needed to ramp up his attitude, but when he did, HBK abandoned him. At least that's what Shelton says happened. HBK sees it differently. The bit ends with Shelton telling HBK he hopes they both win their Elimination Chamber qualifying matches. I really like Shelton Benjamin, and think the guy has a ton of upside, but he has the mic skills of Helen Keller. If I were GM, I'd make him the company's first deaf-mute wrestler. And I'd make him wrestle a dwarf hermaphrodite mime.

(2) Shelton Benjamin versus Carlito in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match Shelton starts the match off by pulling Carlito into the ring by his hair. And for a while, he stays in control of the match. Carlito eventually gets back in it, and the two put on a really good show. Eventually, however, Shelton's new attitude gets the better of him, when instead of going for an easy pin, he grabs one of CCC's apples. That's stupid. Because while he's busy getting ready to spit some apple on Carlito, Coolio rolls him up for the pin. That's cool.

Winner: Carlito.

Backstage, Vince runs into Trevor the Cable Guy, who makes his pitch for the General Manager's position. "I'm your hucklebuck," he tells Vince, adding he has a lot of "ideals" for matches. Vince chastises Murdoch for chewing tobacco, then tells him he'll think about it. Walking away, he calls Trevor an "idiot." Sometimes Vince is too nice.

Speaking of idiots, Candice Michelle and her magic wand are waiting for Vince in the leather couch room. "I heard there's a position open on RAW," she tells Vince. "What position did you have in mind," the old horndog asks. Candice starts disrobing to show Vince her qualifications, which, evidently, are fake titties and the ability to have an orgasm just by unbuttoning her top. Before Vinnie can unbutton anything of his, however, Kurt Angle and Daivari cock-block him and we go to commercial.

(3) Big Show versus Shawn Michaels in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match In order to win this match, Coach tells us HBK needs to be "elusive and abusive." Or just have Triple H come down and interfere on behalf of the Big Show, thus getting him disqualified, which is what happens.

Winner: Shawn Michaels via DQ.

Back in the leather couch room, Kurt is still cock-blocking making his case. "I need to make a statement," he spits at Vince, and demands a match with Cena that night. Kurt, don't you know not to make Vince angry? You won't like it when he's angry. Too late. Channeling his inner 'Pac, Vince tells Kurt to back the f*ck up before he gets smacked the f*ck up. "You can make comments about our troops. You can make comments about Larry Bird. But the one thing you'd better never do again is interrupt me," he spits. Especially when he's sniffing Candice Michelle's magic wand.

Instead of giving Kurt a match, he decides to do something even more innovative: the first ever "You Can't See Me" match, featuring Daivari versus a blindfolded John Cena. I'm scared.

(4) Chris Masters versus Viscera in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match Viscera is billed as the World's Largest Love Machine. I don't know about you, but I always thought this guy was the world's largest love machine. The only thing less interesting than the "action" in this match is listening to the Coach and Lawler argue about who sucked Masters' dick first.

Winner: Chris Masters.

If you were watching WWE.com Unlimited instead of the commercials, you'd have seen Trish Stratus and Mickie Stalker deliver an awkward promo in the Women's Locker Room. But since you weren't, I'm not going to cover it.

RAW's newest bigot gimmick, Matt Striker, comes out to the stage to teach the crowd a lesson about "Family Values." Standing in front of a desk and blackboard Matt proceeds to insult working mothers, welfare mothers, baby daddies, same-sex marriages and kids who are "smoking the pot". Overall, pretty lame promo. I can't believe this guy gave up a job teaching in Queens for this.

Next, Vince is seen trying on a black hood for Cena to wear in his upcoming match. Tough Enough Season One finalist Chris Nowinski comes in to pitch himself as RAW's first-ever Harvard-educated general manager. Hopefully he'll do better than Ryan Fitzpatrick, the St. Louis Ram's first-ever Harvard-educated quarterback. It's all for naught, however, as Dusty Rhodes interrupts Chris to apply for the job himself. If I were GM, I'd make these two have a match. And I'd set it at NASA so they could fight in zero gravity, which is the only Dusty would be able to get his massive bulk moving. Oh, and I'd relocate NASA to a cage.

(5) Mickie Stalker versus Victoria in a Number One Contender Match Trish comes out to sit with the announce team during Swimfan's match. That's the highlight of this match. Well, that and this.

Winner: Mickie James.

Posted by copygodd on December 14, 2005 4:57 PM