Just to get everyone up to speed, Sookie, took Jessica to look at her family's house because Jess missed them. Once they got there Jess knocked on the door and got her mom to invite her in. Jess's dad got home and acted like a colossal jerk, which is when Jess decided to suck the life out of him. Bill showed up at the last second and kept things from getting messy.

Well we come to find out this week that Bill glamoured (think of it as vampire brain washing) Jess's family to forget any of them were ever there. Sounds nice, but how did they explain what Jess's family was supposed to think about the front door blown off the hinges, and that broken plaster from Jess slamming her a-hole daddy into the wall? If I was Bill, I'd blame it on that pesky neighbor dog that won't stop peeing in their azaleas.

Bill's mad at Sookie. Sookie keeps apologizing, and starts getting mad when it becomes painfully obvious that Bill isn't accepting her apology. This gives Sookie the perfect opportunity to get out of the car and storm away threatening to walk all the way home. Bill lets her walk away, even though Jess rightly points out that what Sookie wants is for Bill to follow her and tell her that he "luvvvs" her. It's the right call, but seeing as Jess was recently thiiiiis close to turning her dad into a human Pez dispenser, we're not appointing her the True Blood Miss Manners just yet.

Sookie hears a noise behind her, but thinks it's just Bill trying to scare her to come back into the car. Say what you want about dating a vampire, but when you're out at night you usually don't have to worry about any scary creatures. Only in this case Sookie does, because when she finally turns around there is a scary man bull thing behind her.

Sookie starts running, but it's hard to outrun 7 foot tall bull/man. The thing knocks her down and swipes her with some pretty nasty claws. Bill hears her screaming and finally gets his butt out of the car. He does his super duper fast vampire run, but by the time he shows up whatever swiped Sookie is long gone.

Bill offers Sookie some of his blood, which normally heals whatever is troubling Sookie, but this time she starts puking. Bill's a little stumped when this doesn't work so he has Jess bring the car. The next we see they are hauling ass into the Fangtasia parking lot. Bill sends Jess home, and takes Sookie inside.

When Sookie wakes up, some creepy looking little old lady is examining her. It turns out she's a doctor, well that or she just really likes wearing scrubs and funny hats. Oh and did I mention she's really crabby? Like Larry King is a repeat crabby? She lets Sookie know that she's poisoned, probably dieing, and it was done by a super komodo dragon.

She chases Bill and Eric out of the room which gives them the perfect chance to talk about the "bull man" who attacked Sookie. Eric says he's never heard of anything like it in a thousand years. Wow I just had a thought, if Eric is 1000-years-old, does that mean he watches Larry King too?

Eric is curious enough about the whole thing to call in his goon squad of Pam and Chow. Pam and Chow are vampires. Pam wears pumps, and Chow...doesn't. Eric sends the Bobbsey twins off to investigate the woods and to get those damned neighbor kids off his lawn.

Bill hears screaming in the other room and when he comes in Granny Sourpuss is pouring some stuff out of a blue bottle into those big honking claw marks on Sookie's back. Then once she gets Bill to hold Sookie down, our little doctor starts scooping these little round dealees out of the wounds. When you match up this scene with the scene last week where Lafayette was digging through the homophobe's body like he was looking for the secret surprise in a box of Cracker Jacks is becomes official that the producers aren't going to be happy until the day I yak up my Sunday dinner.

Meanwhile, back at Merlotte's, Daphne, the world's worst waitress, stops by Sam's office. The good news is Sam is no longer a dog. The bad news is he turns into a raging a-hole when Daphne announces she's 64 dollars and eight cents short. Daphne, if you're reading this post, here's a tip for future reference when you have bad news for Sam, scratch him behind his ears; I hear he loves that.

After Sam finishes yelling at Daphne, the world's worst waitress, Tara walks in and tells Sam he needs to be more supportive and nurturing and Sam snaps at her too. Sam, bad boss, bad! No milkbone for you!

Sam calms down enough to tell Tara Maryann is bad news and she should get away from her. Tara wants to know what Maryann ever did to Sam, but he can't bring himself to mention how she just turned him into a collie, so he just comes off looking like the aforementioned raging a-hole.

Over at Camp HateAVampire, Jason wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream. He rolls his finally honed torso over to go to sleep, and oh snap! Eddie, the lovable gay vampire that Jason's semi-psycho-V-addict girlfriend from the last season killed is in bed with him. (By the way, how often does anyone get to write a sentence like that last one recapping American Idol? Thank you HBO!) Right when Eddie sinks his fangs into Jason, Jason wakes up again.

Yeah, that was the real nightmare; the first part was just a tune up. Jason decides to get in touch with the man upstairs, and he does a little praying. It turns out our little Jason is confused, (you can insert your own cheap joke here) and he's asking God for another sign as to what to do with his life. If I was God I'd think twice about sending signs to Jason Stackhouse, mainly because he'd be signing up for a 24/7 workload, constantly sending signs like, "your underwear is on backwards, again."

Jason does get a sign. His roommate, and new mortal enemy, The Lukeinator, hits Jason in the head with a pillow and tells him to shut his prayhole and go to sleep. Well Jason, what can I tell you? The Lord and the screenwriter work in mysterious ways.

Back at Fangtasia, Pam and Chow get back. They didn't find anything. Well they found human footprints and it smelled like a filthy animal, but no bull men were out in the woods.

Doc CrabbyDepends tell Bill Sookie is okay, and he can give her his vampire blood. Eric slides in and tries to get Bill to let him give Sookie his blood, but Bill isn't having any of that. Bill opens up a vein, and Sookie latches on to it like she is about to do a keg stand.

Eventually when they get Sookie topped off on vampire blood, Bill says that he doesn't want to move Sookie, and Eric is all sure dude, you can leave your girlfriend with me, no problemo buddy. Bill then gets a little hell to the no and says he wants to crash there too. Eric's got a spare coffin in the back and the next thing you know it's a vampire sleepover, with smores and fixing each other's hair.

Cut to the next day over at Maryann's. Tara is wandering into the kitchen where Maryann and her creepy butler type dude are huddled over a big pot of something (I want to say it's bouillabaisse, but as far as I can tell they never say what is in the pot, and come to think of it I haven't heard of a lot of recipes that use juniper berries in bouillabaisse, so I guess we'll just have to go with a big pot of something.)

Tara starts off the day with a breakfast of coffee, and decides to ask Maryann why Sam hates her. Maryann says Sam hates her because Tara is just so spanking wonderful that he can't stand to see Tara spending time with Maryann now instead of him. Yeah, that must be it, but the possibility that this hostility may be caused by Maryann turning Sam into a body double for Lassie at will is never really explored.

If Tara put 10 seconds of rational thought into what Maryann just told her, she might get a little suspicious, but Maryann promptly offers her a Bob Marley joint. Pot for breakfast? You know, if Maryann walked around all day in a ratty bathrobe, lived on Fruit Loops, and mac and cheese, and set up her academic career around catching repeats of I Dream of Jeanie, she could be the soul mate of a roommate I had in college. I wonder if she was geology major too?

Well the good news is Sam isn't taking Maryann's turning him into a dog the night before lying down. Nope, he's handling this situation the way any grown man would. He's packing up his car so he can get the hell out of town. He's called Terry the cook down to ask him to take care of the bar

Terry the cook isn't too happy to hear this news. Terry doesn't like pressure, mainly because even though they've never flat out said it, the show really hints that the poor guy is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from serving in Iraq.

Terry tells Sam if he were Sam, Terry wouldn't be his first choice, and Sam admits he wasn't. He would have asked Sookie, Tara, Lafayette, Arlene, and the coat rack by the front door, but they've all fallen through for not being around because they got mauled by a minotaur, living with a witch who can turn Sam into a dog, being held hostage by vampires or possibly being turned into a vampire, still getting over the fact they got engaged to a serial murderer at Red Lobster, and/or being an inanimate object. Terry is the last hope Bon Temps has of getting shooters and wings for happy hour, so how can he say no?

Terry says he'll do it, but get pissed and accuses Sam of running away, which Sam quickly denies. This denial would be a lot stronger if we didn't see a box in the back of his truck marked "den."

Over at Camp HateAVampire, Jason is at a prayer circle/why we hate vampires meeting where everyone is supposed to talk about how vampires ruined their lives. The only problem is even a dim bulb like Jason knows the fanged set isn't really responsible for his problems. Jason gets a little ticked, and tells everyone the only reason he came to camp is he was looking for a sign from God, but seeing as his underwear is on backwards, again; it's obvious the Lord has forsaken him. Jason then walks out of the meeting.

This causes Sarah, or as I think we'll call her from now on, The Plastic Preacherette, to come after Jason. She tells Jason about how she used to like vampires too right up until her sister got hooked on V and disappeared, so that's why them danged old vamps are evil. She gets Jason to stick around, and they get down on their knees and pray that God can get Jason into his briefs the right way tomorrow.

Sookie wakes at Fangtasia and checks out her back. Everything is good as new, just like it was all makeup, never happened. While she's looking in the mirror, the waitress with a worse dye job then Sookie's brings her a peanut butter and chocolate syrup sandwich. (Which if it had been on graham crackers would make her the ideal candidate for this waffleboy's personal chef). While Sookie and the waitress, whose name is Ginger, are shooting the poop, Ginger says something that gets Sookie to read her mind, and Sookie finds out Eric is keeping Lafayette down in the basement. Sookie also reads Ginger's mind and finds out about the gun under the cash register and makes Ginger take her down in the basement.

The mystery of what happened to Lafayette last week gets answered. Eric didn't turn him into a vampire, and Lafayette looks like a guy who got shot, had a bunch of vampires treat him like a steam table at an all you can eat buffet, and has been locked in a vampire's basement for two weeks. That is to say, he looks like poop. Sookie tells Lafayette not to worry because she is going to get him out of there and stomps off to have a snit.

Back at Maryann's Eggo is playing the guitar and Tara who is slinking around in a long slinky dress (the prefect outfit for slinking) tells him he's great. Eggo launches in to another long spiel about how Maryann turned his life around and blah, blah, blah, it turns out Tara is 45 minutes late for work and she Eggo are too drunk to drive, so she just isn't going into work, and if she gets fired, well it won't be the first time. Yeah Tara, that's true, but it will be the fist time you get canned by a guy who can turn into a beagle, and that's not something you see on a resume every day.

I guess the sun has gone down, because Bill is up, and Sookie can't wait to tear him a new one for Lafayette being locked up in the basement. Bill becomes the first vampire in history to flash a who farted look because he thought she was still pissed about their argument from the night before, but he's getting hit with something completely out of the blue. I don't know if it's funny or sad that an unholy creature of the night can get the shell shocked boyfriend look, but I'm leaning towards funny at this point.

Luckily for Bill Eric shows up and says yeah he put Lafayette (or as Sookie keeps calling him "La-FI-ette") in his basement, because Lafayette was trading sex for vampire blood with Eddie, the lovable gay vampire, which is a pretty serious vampire crime. Serious enough to get locked up in the basement of a theme bar anyway.

Now that Eric has shown up, Sookie can really cut loose. She gives him a good piece of her mind about how he can't just chain people up in his basement, and La-FI-ette is a friend of hers. Then she gives Eric a good hard slap in the face, and generally behaves like a main character that has zero chance of getting eaten in the next ten seconds for getting mouthy. Eric actually thinks the slap is kind of funny, but when Sookie mentions going to the police, out come his fangs.

Eric tells Sookie he doesn't respond well to threats, but if she and Bill will step in his office he is sure they can work something out. Uh oh Sookie, be careful, when they get you in their office that's where they try to sell you the undercoating option.

Over at Merlotte's Sam's leaving a voice message for boozy Tara telling her it's okay if she doesn't come into work, but just to watch herself over at Maryann's. Arlene comes in and she's late and apologizing. She tells a good story about her kids watching Next Top Model, and her daughter giving her younger brother a nose piercing which made me laugh. It could have been worse Arlene, if you're kids really imitated Top Model, they'd go on a tick tacks and cigarettes diet. Sam kind of gets a kick out of the story too, and tells Arlene just to get ready for work.

Arlene comments on how Sam's a lot more likeable when he's not being a complete a-hole, but in Sam's defense, he hasn't been turned into a dog tonight, so maybe he's normally not that bad. The scene ends with Sam looking at pictures over the bar and pining over a picture of Sookie whom he's always had kind of a crush on and him making a semi-sad panda face.

Over at Bill's Jess is literally crawling out of her hole. She's kind of disappointed that nobody is around and wanders around the house for awhile. Hmmm, what is a young vampire to do?

Well in this case, Jess gets all dolled up and heads over to Merlott's. She looks pretty good, but seeing as she's wearing the same dress as she was the night before and apparently wore it while sleeping in a hole under a house, you have to wonder about the funk she's giving off. Then again, Eric was wearing the same track suit from the day before, and seeing as Bill pretty much only owns one set of clothes, I'm really starting to hope vampires buy Febreze in bulk.

Jess is walking through the bar with every guy checking her out and it looks like she can have her pick of the men in the place, so she sits down by, Hoyt? Don't get me wrong, Hoyt is probably the sweetest character on this show, and he's a super nice guy, but honestly, Hoyt??

Hoyt comes over and starts to talk, and oh boy, it becomes pretty obvious pretty fast that he and Jason are not only best friends but have the same room temperature IQ. Hoyt tells her she has a pretty smile, which is a good start, but then launches into a rambling restaurant review of Merlotte's where he ends up describing the chicken fried steak as a crispy fried baby.

Jess likes Hoyt (Hoyt? Really, Hoyt??), so she just orders a bottle of True Blood. After a moment where we can literally hear the gears grinding in Hoyt's head, he asks Jess if she is a vampire, "for real." Jess is like 'fraid so," and Hoyt thinks this is awesome because who doesn't want a girlfriend who looks at the vein in your neck like a chicken fried steak? Anyway, Hoyt heads off to get Jess a bottle of synthetic Japanese blood, and a chicken fried steak for me, because it really did sound good.

Sookie and Bill are in Eric's office and Eric lays out his offer. He'll let Lafayette go if Sookie will go to Dallas to help look for the missing vampire. Bill doesn't want Sookie going to Texas because it's too dangerous. Really Bill? I wonder what the stats on minotaur attacks in Texas look like?

Sookie doesn't seem too worried either, because she tells Eric she wants five grand and for him to let "La-FI-ette" go. Eric makes a witty little comeback, and Bill says Sookie wants 10 thousand dollars, for Bill to go with her, and to let Lafayette go.

Eric ends up agreeing and Pam brings Lafayette up from the basement. Eric comes over before Lafayette leaves, and tells him they will see each other soon. Lafayette tries to let him down easy and tell him this was more of a Rosie Cruise you can lock me up in your basement for two weeks, shoot me, and maybe suck my blood, but we're really probably not going to see each other once we clear the airport type deal. Eric doesn't seem to be getting the message and what makes this scene extra creepy is that when Eric is making Lafayette squirm, it's pretty much the happiest we've seen him on the show.

Over at Maryann's the party is really kicking into gear. It has to be the centerpiece on her entry table. It's like Martha Stewart always says, if you want to get people drinking, dancing and dry humping each other, you can't go wrong with a good centerpiece.

Judging by the number of girls taking their tops off, Maryann must have a kickass centerpiece for this shindig. Everyone is dancing, drinking and eating up that big pot of whatever the creepy butler type guy was cooking up earlier. Tara and Eggo are in the hot tub now, and Tara notices that Andy Bellefleur has shown up at the party.

Tara grouses that maybe Andy should be out trying to catch a murderer (oh yeah, anyone remember that body they found with the big hole in its chest where the heart used to be?) instead of at a party. You know what Tara? Maybe you should be at Merlotte's pouring Bud Light and Vodka cranberries into the local rummies. Let's keep the stone throwing from your glass house to a minimum, okay toots?

Andy takes in the sight of all the boobie flashing, and older unattractive people grinding on each other and making out, but something really catches his eye. That big pig that was with Maryann when she first showed up in town is in this little playhouse. Andy asks what the pig is doing there, but the pig isn't saying anything until it gets lawyered up.

Just then Maryann shows up, and Andy tells her there have been complaints about the noise from the party and Andy wants to know what's the deal with the pig. Maryann is all what you talking about Willis, because when Andy turns back around, the pig is gone. Andy freaks out a little bit, but Maryann gets him to have a drink. Good idea Andy, enforcing the law is always more fun when you've got a buzz going.

Is anyone wondering what is happening at Camp HateAVampire? No? Too bad, because the screenwriter and the director are, so it looks like the rest of us are stuck going along for the ride. Jason is having dinner with the plastic missionaries. Reverend Steve is laying out his philosophy to Jason. It runs along the lines of, sure the bible says it's wrong to hate, but vampires are evil, so hating them is like loving good. Yeah, it's a rich crock of creamery butter, and only someone with a icebox temperature would buy into it...things aren't looking too good for Jason right now, are they?

The Plastic Preacherette shows up with banana pudding for dessert, and Reverend Steve-o makes a crack about how the Plastic Preacherette must really like Jason because she doesn't just whip her pudding out for just anybody. You know what? I've got a sneaking suspicion that statement isn't 100% true.

Jess and Hoyt (Hoyt?) head back to Bill's place. Hoyt says "hey, you have a Wii?" and poor Jess gets this look on her face like "Oh my God, I didn't think this dress was that short! Hoyt explains a Wii is for playing video games and offers to show Jess how to play. He's holding her hand, and Jess starts making out with him (Hoyt?).

Things are getting a little heated, when Jess's fangs just pop out. Jessica is mortified because she can't control it, it just happens, much like a teenaged boy popping a boner. Here's a tip Jess, you better enjoy it while you can because there is a pretty good chance that by the time you turn 50 you'll have to take little blue pills to get that reaction.

Hoyt tells Jess that it's okay, because it's natural and who she is, and he likes her a lot. Hoyt is as dumb as a rutabaga, has the survival skills of a lemming, is quite possibly the most prefect boyfriend ever.

Bill and Sookie drop off Lafayette and drive over to Bill's. On the ride over, Sookie starts moaning about how disillusioned she is because vampires can do evil things, yadda, yadda, yadda. Bill chimes in about how vampires can be good or evil, just like people, and I can't help but notice that when it comes to these two, the less clothes they wear, the more interesting they become, and they are fully clothed right now, so you do the math.

Tara and Eggo are still trying to break the record for longest time spent in a hot tub when suddenly tragedy strikes. A large breasted, naked, licensed massage therapist comes over and slides into the tub. She gives Eggo a massage, but she makes it pretty clear she's an equal opportunity massager. Well despite the offer to pop her back Tara's a little bent out of shape when the licensed massage therapist shows up, mainly because the licensed massage therapist is about a D cup and it's painfully obvious Tara isn't. When will this irrational discrimination against large breasted licensed massage therapists come to an end?

She gets so miffed she starts checking out the party. We've got all sorts of very attractive topless extras running around (Cable neeked, YAY!), people making out all over the place, and a fat drunk guy running through the party without any pants, so we can almost see his doodle.

That's it; Tara hops out of the hot tub. The party is over for our little missy. She makes such a fast beeline back to the house she doesn't notice that some people's eyes are getting completely black which means some supernatural monkeyshines are afoot.

Eggo catches up to Tara in the house and tries to get her to come back to the threeway, party, but Tara makes it clear that any sort of swinging is not an option in her relationships. Being a convicted armed robber, drug dealer, or somebody who plays the acoustic guitar at parties? Tara can do a work around for all this stuff, but bring one little big boobed massage therapist into the mix (Who I might point out is licensed, with like a piece of paper from the state with a stamp on it and everything) and Tara is ready to go back to eating soup for one. Eggo tries to get Tara to come back outside, but she decides to go to her room.

Sam is getting ready to flee the country, call it a night when a dog shows up. It is the dog that Sam sort of uses as a model to shapeshift into. Sam tells the dog he wouldn't leave without saying goodbye, and then he and the dog go running off into the night as Sam sheds his clothes. Kind of hard to believe this guy is single, huh ladies?

Bill and Sookie get back to his place, and are ready to start making with the vampire sex, but Bill glances over into the other room and sees Jess crawled up on top of somebody. Bill does the super fast vampire run across the room and throws Jess across the room into the corner. Jess's fangs are out but she is swearing she wasn't going to bite Hoyt. Hoyt's okay, but his shirt is off which pretty much means Jess got to second base with him. Bill's fangs are out, and Sookie is telling him to calm down, welcome to living with a teenager Bill.

Dog form Sam and his friend the dog run down this pier and Sam jumps into the lake where he turns back into Sam. The real dog won't jump in the water even though Sam tells him the water is fine. He seems kind of concerned, like there might be danger afoot, or he's worried that the international banking system may be primed for hyper-inflation. Hey Collies are a smart breed. What do you mean they don't keep up with current monetary trends?

The dog takes off, and Sam keeps swimming which is good for us because Sammy doesn't exactly have the most cable neeked friendly body on the show. While he's swimming, somebody walks up the dock. Hey it's Daphne, the world's worst waitress. She and Sam flirt for a little bit and then she decides to join Sam for a little swim. She peels off her top, and we see one of those big minotaur scars running up her back. The End.

Well, that's this week's episode, what did everyone think?

Oh, after ripping everyone on this show a new pooper for almost 5,000 words I should mention the parts that I thought were really good.

For all the crap I give Jason Stackhouse for making morons look dumb, Ryan Kwanten, the guy who play him does a great job bringing that quality dumbness to the screen. You can really see this with the little things he does in his scene with Reverend Steve-o. That little bit with him awkwardly getting a piece of food off of his fork while Steve-o was talking, and him turning around outside expecting to see a battle when Steve-o said there was a war out there, were two nice pieces of physical comedy.

I didn't say anything about when Lafayette got home, mainly because it was too good a scene. If everyone in this series acted as well as Nelsan Ellis did in this scene, I'd be forced to make fun of Rock of Love spinoffs.

"You get to live here? Pretty Cool."
"Not Really. It's full of his creepy old stuff and he makes me sleep in a hole."
"Yeah, I know what you mean; my momma stores her doll collection in my closet."

A great bit of dialogue in a really sweet scene with Jess and Hoyt (Hoyt?)

Anyway, that's it for this week's excitement. I guess I'll see you all after the next episode

I'm trying to think, but it's hard because there is this constant high pitched squealing in my ear. I see a small brunette girl leaping around the TV screen like an epileptic bunny and I realize... it's time for another episode of The Bachelorette!

Jillian ponders over the wondrous fact that one of these guys could be proposing to her in a matter of weeks. What happened to "easy on the h-word," smarty pants? Or are you just looking for a life-long engagement? Then we don't have to go easy on the f-word, do we?

First stop is Philadelphia to visit Neurotic Reid. Now, I have never been to Philadelphia personally and I would very much like to, but from seeing things like this, it seems that their biggest claim to fame is Rocky Balboa - a fictional character played by Sylvester Stallone. There is a Rocky statue, for crying out loud. Liberty Bell, anyone? That is actually an important artifact. Anyway, Jillian squeals her way out of the car and over to Reid, who is waiting with coffee (no way that was his idea) and he tells us that every time he sees Jillian their relationship grows. That's deep, Reid.

Jillian wonders if Reid's parents will approve of her. I guess her confidence from the end of last week's episode has waned. After some nauseating nuzzling on a park bench they head off to meet The Family Neuroses. The Family Neuroses lives in a lovely colonial red brick house and right off I'm starting to wonder. Have you ever noticed that we've never visited a dump on a hometown date? These families are always quite well off in beautiful homes. We all know that the Bachelor/Bachelorette's "homes" are fake, so I'm suspicious about these family homes now as well. Immediately the alcohol comes out and everyone sits around drinking and chatting. Apparently Reid is a realtor, which is a family business. That's the opposite of interesting, so moving right along...

Jillian asks Neurotic Mom if Reid is ready for a big commitment. How would his mom know? What adult male gives his mother the ins and outs of his love life to the extent that she can predict how he's going to behave with a new girlfriend? Then Jillian sits down with Neurotic Brothers 1 and 2 who flat out tell her that Reid is afraid of commitment and worries about what other people will think of his woman. Those are both definitely qualities I look for in a grown man. Neurotic Dad sits down with Reid and tells him that if Jillian is what he's looking for he should go in "head over heels." Then Neurotic Dad whines to us that he wishes Reid would quit asking what his parents think and do his own thing. HA! Maybe the mom DID know more than I thought. Ah, we have surprise visitors. Here comes Neurotic Mommom (grandma) and the Neurotic Sisters. They're all screaming "Happy Birthday" at Reid and Mommom tells Jillian she's cute. Jillian is delighted. Did Mommom also notice that Jillian is tons of fun? Well to prove it, Jillian kisses Reid on the mouth right in front of the whole family after they sing Happy Birthday to him. (Reid's turning 30, do you think he'll cry?) Well, Jillian must be Wonder Woman because no one in the family has seen Reid kissing in front of everyone before. It's official - they're getting married. Jillian DEFINITELY wants to make oat on the porch, but she has to remember that there are four other great guys she's going to meet.

Next up is Michael, the break dancing instructor from East Harlem, so naturally we head for Valencia, California to meet his family. The fact that he's from Valencia and not East Harlem actually explains a lot. Now hold on to your hat, because Michael's family lives in a beautiful spacious home... or do they? Well, at least that's where we're filming today.

Turns out Michael has an identical twin - oh great I'm getting flashbacks of Brad Womack and the twin shenanigans from his season. First though, Michael tells his family all about Jillian as they sit in "their" living room. "She's going to light this place up. She's unbelievable. She's so unbelievable. She's like adorable, and then she's smokin' hot, and then she's beautiful, and she's... like I've seen her in pajamas and I almost fainted." So does she talk or anything, Michael? Or is she just the amazingly tasty pajama wearing girl? PS, I've seen her in pajamas, too. Not so impressive.

There's a knock on the door and before there's any time to speculate who it might be, my eardrums burst from the squealing. Jillian reminds us that her biggest concern is Michael's age, as she brought up at the last Rose Ceremony. Is he ready to settle down? I'd worry less a-boat age, Jillian, and more a-boat a guy whose brothers tell you to your face that he can't commit... even though he's turning 30. Jillian tells Family California that number one on her list of "non-negotiables" is a guy who makes her laugh, which is why Michael has made it this far. Michael's mom nods vigorously, saying, "Good! That's good!" And as Jillian looks around for alcohol the mom asks her to come and help her in the kitchen. Perfect! This is the grand opportunity for Michael and his twin brother Steve to switch places and see if they can trick Jillian - just like The Parent Trap! I will say here that Michael and Steve look a lot more alike than Brad and Chad, the Texas bartending duo, but that Steve seems to have an extra mole on his right cheek that Michael doesn't have, so this isn't that big of a mystery. Michael plans to ask Jillian all these probing questions - as Steve, but as soon as he walks into the room Jillian asks what happened to his scruff. The jig is up. Jillian tells us she knows her Michael right away. Oh twin brother!

Michael's dad does pretty much the same thing Reid's dad did, which is to say that Jillian is a regular angel from heaven and Michael is very lucky. Then Jillian sits down with twin brother Steve to whine some more about how young they are. Steve tells Jillian not to worry; he and Michael have been planning since they were kids to be young dads. Right, I can see it now as they push their trucks through the sandbox. No wait, with these two they were more likely at ballet class doing demi pliés and whispering to each other about hoping to be young dads. Arabesque! Jillian says that the age thing bothers her, but would she be happier with someone who is 36 and doesn't make her laugh? These are your options, Jillian? I know it's a long shot, but there just MIGHT be one or two thirty-something guys with a sense of humor left on the planet.

Over dinner, the dad says they're going to play a game called Question for the Table. Sounds challenging.

He wants everyone to name three things about themselves they are most proud of. Jillian goes first and says she's very proud to say that she'll laugh at just a-boat anything. Way to negate your praise of Michael, there Jillian. Sure, Michael's funny, but she'll laugh at anything! Also, she loves to see the good in everyone and she is proud of her work ethic. Snore. But before we can find out that Michael is proud of going on the Superman ride at Magic Mountain nine times in one day, in bursts a sister who is supposed to be far, far away in Australia. She's right in time for a family dance off!

The sore thumb here is Jillian, who can't really move, but she can sure have fun! Jillian takes a plastic-wrapped plate of cookies, pecks Michael goodbye and climbs into her waiting SUV.

Krypton's turn! Off to San Diego we go to meet the Kryptonites. More squealing as Jillian rounds a rosebush near the beach and leaps into Krypton's arms. Of course there is wine and kissing on the beach as Krypton tells Jillian he has two dads. If that were actually what it sounded like, this would be a great hometown date, but alas, it's just boring Krypton and his boring dad and stepdad.

Now here's a shocker: Krypton's family has a gloriously beautiful home. The Kryptonites consist of some siblings and their significant others, plus Krypton's SoCal parents, including the skinny tanned blonde mom. The dad takes the couple into the backyard where he has strung up caution tape around their hot tub, telling Jillian they saw the last few episodes of The Bachelor. In other words, Jillian, we know you're a tramp and we don't want you screwing around in our perfect mickey mouse shaped hot tub.

Jillian laughs obnoxiously and says that won't stop her. How demure she is. Krypton's mom has decided to make Jillian sample two different lasagnas and see if she can determine which one the stepdad made. Also she's supposed to taste two different wines and determine which one is classy and which one is from 7-11. Jillian doesn't get a chance to respond because she just gulps all the wine down before Krypton's mom can finish with her instructions. It turns out that the Kryptonites are well-traveled and multilingual, causing Jillian to worry that they'll just think she's a hillbilly. Well, if the shoe fits, Jillian.

Over dinner Krypton's sister suggests that Krypton get Jillian pregnant. Nice. Later the mom grills Jillian, challenging all of her answers and telling her she's a hillbilly. Kidding, but wouldn't that have been great? Krypton's sister asks him privately if he really likes her or if he's just getting swept along. He tells her that proposing within the next month would be premature. Uh oh. By far, the best part of this hometown is Doggie Kryptonite.

Is that a Yorkie? That is the freaking cutest thing I have ever seen and I almost jumped into the TV to grab him up. After Jillian and Krypton rip through the caution tape to sweat their faces off in the hot tub and do way too much of their signature awkward kissing, we are finally done with this date.

Next stop is Carmel in Northern California, where Jesse's family has a winery. Sweet. This is like Jillian's mecca. She can just hook up an I.V. and let the "love juice" flow through her veins.

Jesse pulls up on a tractor. Right, 'cause I'm sure he spends a lot of time out working in the fields and not attending deal-making lunches with his father. Jillian is still full of squeals as she charges the tractor, but as she and Jesse sit down among the vines she tells him that she's still wondering if he's "ready" since they got off to a slow start. Jesse sits there looking uncomfortable and says he usually takes a lot longer than this to figure out his relationships. Back at the "family" house, we learn that Jesse's dad is Hungarian - HOLLA, NoiXdeCoco! His mom is thin and blonde, and his brother is a hippie. But like a yuppie hippie. He's dressed exactly the same as Jesse but has this Bible-esque hair and beard. It's just not an attractive combination of choices.

Over dinner Jake the brother says he's not dating because girls are too expensive, to which Jillian very quickly responds, "Oh, I'M not. I am affordable AND tons of fun." Later the two brothers have a chat and Jake basically tells Jesse he's insane if he's thinking about getting married and having kids. Hear, hear. Jesse's mom tells Jillian all about Jesse's dating tendencies, causing me to wonder yet again what grown man discusses all of this with his mother. Aren't most mothers in the dark about their sons' emotions after the age of about 11? Of course, the producers couldn't resist the temptation to put Jillian alone in a room with yuppie hippie Jake, who asks her if she and Jesse have been naked together. Good grief. Jillian says that it doesn't get like that for a little while yet. Oh puh-lease! Also, Jesse's family has a musical act of its own and it's a rock band.

Jillian says she'd love to live on this farm and siphon the wine... right down her throat. Jesse compares Jillian to a good wine. That's original. They make oat on the couch for a while... also original.

Now we're getting to the meat of the episode. Everything up to this has been prologue, but it's time for Jillian to head to Texas and find out just what is going on with WES. Of course, first things first, and right out of the car, Wes takes Jillian through a gate where his entire band is all set up, sound checked, and tuned, ready to play for America. Jillian squeals.

Wes voiceovers that he has a CD coming out and he wants people to hear it and like it. Now, I don't like Wes any more than anybody does, but I do have to point out that they are slaughtering him in the editing room. Whenever he's talking about his band it's either a voiceover or incomplete sentences, meaning that he could be talking about anything and they could very well be doing a great deal of splicing behind the scenes. That said, Wes has played the retarded song he wrote for Jillian so many times for the camera that it's perfectly obvious to me he is there for exposure and to audition for anyone who happens to be watching. I just think the producers are doing their part to exaggerate the situation as much as possible because this show has long since overstayed its welcome. So the band kicks in and Jillian squeals and dances around by herself while they play. It's country music, so I need to fast forward, and then of course, Wes rolls right into the "Jillian song" about love not coming easy, but for the love of mercy they've cut him off after the first line again.

Meanwhile, an airplane lands in Texas and a pilot in full regalia comes marching through the jet way with a MISSION. It's Jake and he's back. He checks into a hotel and then calls Foot Fetish Tanner of all things. See, he's here to tell Jillian that Wes does, in fact, have a girlfriend and he's curious as to whether Foot Fetish thinks it's the right thing to do. I'm pretty sure he's just talking into a dead phone because we don't hear one word from Foot Fetish.

Back at the venue Jillian and Wes fret over what they've gotten themselves into. Jillian doesn't know what to do if Wes becomes a huge star and she has to be the girlfriend of said star. Wes doesn't know what to do because he's let himself get so deep into this and he's still not exactly sure of Jillian's feelings. Wes guarantees Jillian that he's here for her (and he's tired of saying that) and that he likes her a lot. BORING! Where's Jake?

A bit later Jillian is hanging out waiting for Wes to come pick her up to meet his family when there's a knock at the door. But it's not Wes! It's JAKE!!! Jillian is positive that Jake has come to beg her to reconsider, but alas, Jake tells her that he's not and then he beats around the bush for a minute, saying his body is numb, he really cares about Wes, he really cares about Jillian, he's a huge sissy, etc. However... "Wes has a girlfriend. Her name is Laurel." Jake goes on to say that Wes has confided in him and they've talked about Laurel on several occasions. Jillian starts crying then asks if Jake is sure about all this. Jake says he's sure and he is also sure that Wes will say that Laurel is an ex-girlfriend he's still friends with. Now Jillian is mad. She came here with good intentions, she's honest, she cares about people! How could this happen to her?! She's so much fun!

Jake takes his leave and Wes comes a-knocking. Jillian invites him in under the very believable guise of having a drink before heading out to meet his family. She asks Wes if there is anything he needs to tell her. Wes acts very insulted and put out that he has to keep answering this question. Jillian coughs it up, saying that Jake is here and he told her everything. Wes clears his throat and says it's crazy. All he told Jake is that Laurel is an ex-girlfriend he's still friends with. Hmm, sound familiar? Jillian's tactic becomes crying, feeling sorry for herself, not knowing what she's supposed to believe, boo hoo hoo. Wes' tactic becomes annoyance and denial. He offers to bow out if Jillian wants to believe this nonsense. Back and forth until Jillian proposes that they bring Jake in here to sort this out. Just then Jake comes bursting out of the closet screaming, "Liar! I had lunch with you and Laurel earlier today!" Ha! Don't I wish? Instead, Jillian calls Jake and asks him to come to her room.

As the two guys sit down on the couch Jillian grins and plays with her earring. Jake goes, "I hate that I'm down here, Wes," as if he's Wes's dad and has caught him out past curfew.

Wes starts calling Jake names, getting more and more angry. Jake tells Wes repeatedly to look him in the eyes and say he never said he had a girlfriend. Wes has adopted the motto "Deny til you die," and neither guy will budge. Jake is disappointed. Wes is disappointed. Jillian is lots of fun. She puts an end to it and walks Jake out. Jake immediately proceeds to the balcony and sobs his eyes out. This was so hard! I had to betray my friend in order to save the woman I love! How will I ever recover from this horrible moment??? Am I as good a crier as Jason Mesnick? Am I? Can I be the next Bachelor? Please?

Back in the room, Wes says he doesn't want Jillian to come meet his parents if she believes this, because it's a big deal to him and he doesn't want to drag this out. See, I'd think he'd say something different if he were truly innocent, but of course it's enough for silly Jillian and she still wants to meet the fam. Wes clears his throat several more times and is like, "Okay." Oh bummer, Wes. Not off the hook so easily. He tells Jillian she's the total package, like she's beautiful, has wonderful eyes, and is really sexy. Right, that will get you through the tough times, Wes. Her wonderful eyes. Jillian is way too desperate to believe all of this, so she's ready to go meet the parents! She tells us that maybe meeting the family will help her decide if she believes Wes or not. Good thinking, Jillian.

So they arrive and meet Wes's mom, his stepmom and his three sisters. Hmm, it's all girls. Have we invited bestie Laurel as well? Wes shares with his family what just happened with Jake and his sisters are appalled. They say that this guy (Jake) must just be jealous of Wes because all guys have always been jealous of Wes and what he has going on. Okay, wait a second. These aren't 12-year-old girls we're talking about, is it? Yes, I'm sure that Jake the pilot from his family of doctors is extraordinarily jealous of WES, who is an unemployed aspiring musician. Nice try girls, but no. Somehow I don't think that guys all over the world are jealous of your loser brother.

Wes's mom sits Jillian down and assures her that Wes would have stepped aside already if he wasn't "feeling it" with Jillian. Jillian is very happy to believe it. She is positive after talking with all of these girls that Wes has no girlfriend and he is loyal and sincere. She's going to put the girlfriend stuff behind her and start all over with Wes. To the camera, Wes tells Jake to "get up off his high horse because Jillian likes me." I think you mean DOWN off your high horse, there Wes. But whatever, he and Jillian get to make oat on the patio, so it's all good.

Ah, we're back in Los Angeles and we are at the Regent Beverly Wilshire - the hotel from Pretty Woman. That's not a cliché or anything. Jillian is pouting in her room once again when there's a knock at the door. Oh boy, what now? It's Laurel! Jillian opens the door to a sound punch in the nose and a very angry looking young lady from Texas demanding to know just what this little Canadian whore thinks she's doing messing with other people's boyfriends! Jillian stumbles backward and puts a hand under her nose, which is now dripping blood. She looks up through teary eyes and squeaks, "Laurel?"

Okay, so that didn't happen. Heaven forbid anything THAT interesting ever went down on this show. But here is ABC's actual lame attempt at interesting: It's Ed. Wow, I'm so surprised I could just faint right now. Ed's back, everyone. Hooray. I guess we're supposed to believe that his boss stopped caring whether or not Ed shows up to work anymore.

They sit down on the couch and since Ed is clearly just following the directions he's received from the producers, he's not really sure what to say and he says he's made a huge mistake, he needs to reprioritize, and he wants another shot. And he says all of this like he's memorized it - not one shred of emotion. What they would like us to believe is a joyous reunion is actually a very poorly acted awkward moment. Ed says he wants to be transparent about everything. Oh trust me, Ed. Transparent you are. Jillian says that she'll think about it, but she thinks Ed should come to the Rose Ceremony. Ed looks relieved that this scene is over and he quickly leaves.

So Jillian's major complaint to Chris Harrison tonight is that she has to make a decision a-boat Ed with-oat having met his family. Waaaaaaaaaaaah! Also, this is super hard because she felt like she fit in with every single family and every single beautifully built, furnished and decorated home. WHAT TO DO?

Chris welcomes the guys back to LA and to tonight's Rose Ceremony. AND, there is a surprise guest at tonight's ceremony. Laurel? Nope, it's just Ed again. The other guys are understandably miffed. Here comes Jillian. She does her thank you lip service and then gets ready to hand out the roses. First, Neurotic Reid. Then Krypton, ED and gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready. WES. Oh geez. That's enough.

Jesse says nothing to Jillian, but tells us that this sucks. Also, Wes is there for the wrong reasons. Michael tells Jillian it's okay and then tells us he has nothing bad to say about her. He goes, "I straight up loved that girl, didn't I?" Don't ask us, Michael. And don't worry too much. You've been in the Bachelorette Bubble and once you get back into the real world, you'll realize that this is no big loss.

With the remainders, Jillian announces that they are heading to Spain! Next week there is Spanish squealing and more of the Wes-girlfriend speculation, as if that hasn't been beaten into the ground yet. See you then!

Okay, so what do you think now? Can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat!

Brawny informs us that of course CJ just had to enter that hot bod contest. He mocks, but we know he's secretly thrilled.

Or not so secretly. Get this guy a paper towel.

At the Hot Bod event, Brawny is CJ's biggest fan. He's cheering louder than the gay guy. So, you have a nice body CJ. We got it. You did that first confessional shirtless, remember? But CJ needs more proof and he's taken to the masses in Cancun's finest open bar to get it. He even flashes his ass at the crowd! He does win the contest though.

Back home, Rihanna is telling Boyfriend that she's so in love with him that it's, like, disgusting. She tells him she's basically moping around the Real World house/oceanfront suite all day long, with everyone wondering what's wrong with her. "It's just cause I miss my boyfriend," she simpers. Oh great, another one of these. Tell us all about how your relationship is strong enough to withstand this. Tell us it's true love. Actually, don't. Just skip ahead to the part when you cheat on him. Let's catch up for the emotional breakup call. Actually, I could live without that too. Let's just meet for the aftermath, when you start acting out.

But of course, no skipping ahead. First we're going to endure the first of undoubtedly 1,635,929 phone calls between the lovebirds. He misses her. She wishes he was there. He has a constant stomachache. She wishes she had brought him here in her suitcase. Why? He already told you he had an upset stomach. He would have vomited all over all three bikinis that you brought and then you would have had nothing to wear at - oh. That's why.

The next day, Rihanna is enjoying a day in the sun with CJ and her coordinated turquoise sweatband. She asks him if he thinks it's bad that she thinks about her boyfriend all the time. Oh, barf. CJ, an older and much wiser person, sagely tells her that he was the same way when he was her age. And while I suppose there's an argument for a big difference between nineteen and twenty-four years old, any twenty-four year old that manages to squeeze onto the Real World is hardly at the mature end of the spectrum. But do go on, CJ. Tell us, oh wise man, of your journey. Your life. Your loves. That cheerleader you had sex with at regionals. Punting is a metaphor for life, is it not?

Your boyfriend is gonna love that you are snuggling with a hot half naked blonde who just won a bod contest to discuss how much you miss him.

Oh, and another thing about CJ's deep thoughts on love. They come to us in that very special Drunk American dialect, and that's Brody Jenner-ese. In other words, the whitest white guy ever talking like he's just driven his low rider in from Inglewood. Only CJ punctuates his with a lot of "dude"s. He keep's referring to Boyfriend as Rihanna's "your dude". She tells him how Boyfriend is her best friend in the whole world, and how she knows he's the only one for her. Then they talk about how pretty each others' eyes are. Then they snuggle on the lounge chair and caucus some more about how much Rihanna loves Boyfriend, and would never, ever cheat on him.

Can I ride you? Cuz that's not cheating, right?

For her part, Rihanna tells us what good friends her and CJ are becoming. And how she relates to him like no other in the house. She likes him best. Well of course she does, she just lies around and flirts with him all day! What's not enjoyable about that?

I'm just gonna massage your vajay with my peepee over this towel. Like a friend would do.

They remind us one more time, in the confessional as CJ, predictably shirtless, plays Brawny's guitar while Rihanna clings to him and gazes lovingly. The reason their friendship works, by the way, is because CJ respects that Rihanna has a boyfriend. Well, if that's how they want to spin it.

Later, Ayiiia is playing pool with CJ. Also, she's getting on Joey's nerves. I really don't know what the hell it has to do with him, but all of the sudden he's telling her that he likes her better with her mouth shut. Then he meets with everybody's gay bestie Derek to first brag that he's gotten Ayiiia to hate him, and then to confess what a "no drama" kind of guy he really is. Meanwhile, Ayiiia is telling the battle story to Jasmine, and telling us how she "doesn't deal with sarcasm". She and I are so not going to be friends.

That night out at the club, Joey has managed to stay awake long enough to have a bit of cigarette drama with the girls. They all go outside to smoke, and when Joey offers a match to Ayiiia, she snubs him and uses Jasmine's already lit cigarette instead! Major scandal! Joey of course makes a big deal about it, Ayiiia pretends like it's no big deal at all, which of course makes it look like an even bigger deal. Either way, it's trouble brewing and that's a good thing.

Joeiiiagate

The next morning they are awakened to a ton of sunshine and a package from Student City Tours. And it's kind of bad news - now they have a job. It is a spring break related one though. Later on, Christina the program director comes over to brief the roomies on the new gig. I see where she's going with the hairdo, but she didn't quite make it all the way. She looks like she plays softball.

Farrah Fawcett can't be ok with this.

The job is to provide a service that's "fun and hassle free". Fun and hassle free for the spring breakers means a big pain in the ass for everyone else. Oh, but it gets worse. There are rules. First - no fraternizing with the students. Joey's not too concerned. Over eighteen's not really his crowd. Christina tells them that the students are identified by an orange wristband. Um, good luck with that, cause CJ's already planning on finding a honey with a real delicate wrist.

Next rule - no drinking. No smoking. Even when not in uniform. "So basically, no being intoxicated in public at all," Mistress Christina continues. Telling our Real Worlders not to drink and hook up? Who does she think she is? And there's more and more and more. They can't be in contests. They can't violate the rules or they will be sent home. Concluded with, "This is going to be the best experience of your life!" Really? You're assigning a bunch of attention whoring twenty year olds babysitting duty in Cancun? During spring break? Best experience of their lives, huh? Thanks for ruining everything, Christina.

After the total downer with Christina, "snuggle buddies" Rihanna and CJ are curled up in a hammock. From the way she's pressing her butt into CJ's body, you can totally tell how much she misses Boyfriend. So much so, that she dislodges herself from CJ to call him back home and remind him how he's the only one.

Let's not get drunk and not f right now.

While she's gone, Brawny decides to teach CJ the "dangers of unprotected snuggling". He's going to crawl into the hammock with CJ so he thinks it's Rihanna. Rihanna's totally onboard with the whole thing, and even lends Brawny a wig and some perfume to make it totally authentic. Brawny slides into the hammock, and CJ puts his arms around him and gets comfy. It lasts a few seconds before he looks up, and the look on his face is priceless. I confess I laughed my ass off. Brawny tumbles off the hammock laughing, and he's not even up off the floor before Rihanna is climbing back in there with CJ. What better way to remind her how much she loves her boyfriend who she just got off the phone with?

That looks more expensive than Rhi's weave.

In bed that night, Ayiiia and Jasmine are talking about Rihanna. This is a catty group! I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, they don't think she's especially friendly with the girls, but she's super flirty with the boys. Then they gossip about how she's probably going to cheat on Boyfriend.

And speaking of, Rihanna's on the phone with Boyfriend, and Brawny and CJ are in on it too. They tell the tale of the great hammock fake out, and Rihanna makes sure to tell him that after it was all over, her and CJ snuggled for a real long time. Boyfriend's not happy. And Rihanna's annoyed. Why doesn't he understand that it's all just her special way of being faithful? Like the promise piercing.

Later on, Rihanna and CJ go shopping for matching cheap woven bracelets. CJ gets on one knee to fasten Rihanna's bracelet, and is rewarded with another adoring gaze. They stroll through the plaza and the locals call them honeymooners. "Muy happy-o!" trills CJ. I love his handle on the language, I really do. Brawny and Joey agree that sooner or later, they're definitely doing it.

Back at the house, Joey's playing his band's CD for the group. They're called Late Night Wars. I suppose I should mention that. The roomies are impressed. They all play air guitar. Brawny is pleasantly surprised. He thought they were going to suck. Insecuritee Emilee would play it in her car. One person who is not impressed is Ayiiia. She prances in the living room, taps him on the shoulder and tells him fakely, "It's so loud, I'm trying to sleep." He thinks he's so cool, she complains to us.

In their room, Ayiiia and Jasmine are busy not liking Joey, and now they're focusing on a suspicious sore on his lip. He says it's sunburn, but the girls are thinking herpes. Ewww. Jasmine wants to Google it. I say, better off not knowing.

Pass.

The next morning, Mistress Christina is back to interview the roomies and decide what jobs she wants them to do. She wants to know what they'd do to break up a fight. Joey and Ayiiia both say that they're peacemakers. Well, clearly. Ayiiia's also pissed about the no drinking rule. She's full of attitude back in the suite with the group, but in the meeting with Christina she accepts her lame "It's to protect the company" excuse pretty easily.

That night they go out for one last wild night before Student City owns their asses. The night's pretty uneventful, until it's time to go and there's some conflict allegedly about Ayiiia's missing cigarette and Joey not having the full roomie count, but it's really about the fact that they just kind of hate each other. Storm's about to break!

Joey tells Ayiiia to shut up, and I think he calls her a bitch too. It's all pretty inarticulate and not at all clever in the way of a putdown, but Joey's bragging about he really "put her in her place". Ayiiia strikes back with a musical number. "Herpes on your lip! Herpes on your lip!" she sings joyfully. And all of the sudden, Joey's really not amused.

He walks over to Rihanna and CJ and tells them that Ayiiia just thinks she's better than everyone else, which is funny because that's the exact problem she has with him. At some point he decides he wants to spit in her face. Oh no, we are not going down this road again. The spitting thing just grosses me out on every level.

But we are. The girls are over at the taco stand picking up a late night snack, and Joey decides he's going to spit onto Ayiiia's taco. I can not believe it. He goes over to the taco stand and proceeds to stare creepily at her. As soon as she gets her taco, he grabs the bag, yanks it open and yes, spits in it. And now, Ayiiia is not amused. She even punches a wall.

Actually, Ayiiia's crying. And Joey's damn proud of himself. They all get on a bus, which is a little weird, and he sits in the back and taunts her. I don't know what he's representing more - loser or complete idiot.

It's a tough call.

Back at the house, Ayiiia's sobbing about how she can't live like this. In the kitchen, Joey's telling everyone's gay bestie Derek that if you make a joke about him, he spits in your food. That's just the way it is with him, he says smugly. Of course it's perfectly fine for him to make a joke about anyone else, and if they spit in his food, I'm sure there would be a whole new argument - "If someone spits in my food I...pee on their toothbrush!" It would be a never ending cycle. "Please don't spit in my food," Derek tells Joey. Joey assures him he's safe. Just don't say anything about the herpes on his lip. Oh, ewww! He has herpes. That makes the spitting even grosser. I shudder.

They all meet up in the kitchen, all except Ayiiia who wisely stays out of the way. But Jasmine and Insecuritee fight her battle. They explain to Joey that spitting in people's food is not nice. I can not believe there are really people in the world who need that explained to them. "You know what you said, and you know what you did!" he tells them. Oh, we've reached drama of LC/Heidi proportions. From the no drama guy, no less. He defends his "sunburn" but he never denies herpes. Far too defensive for me to declare him disease free.

"If you spit on her food, who's to say you won't spit on my food someday?" Jasmine wants to know, "And I'll be damned if it happens to me, cause I'll be sent home real quick, real quick." And I'll be damned if she isn't growing on me. Just maybe less than an inch.

The girls go outside to eat their hard won tacos, to the tune of Joey yelling idiotically at them. They're kind of laughing at him at this point. Rihanna makes her way outside to pick up her taco - Rihanna, who spend the entire time ignoring what was going on while she snuggled with CJ, and ignoring what was going on while she ate ham and cheese on the bed with everyone's gay bestie Derek. Now she wants one of the prized tacos. The girls tell her none left, cause they got spit on. And Rihanna's pissed. "Don't tell me you're going to give me a taco and then not give me one," she bitches. Then she complains to Derek about how childish they are.

Back outside we're still rehashing the Joey drama. "I didn't deserve what happened," Ayiiia whines. Insecuritee reveals the real reason she's onboard with the whole fight - she's happy other people are finally seeing Joey's true colors. The true colors that make fun of Hooters. And speaking of, that asshole's back. He comes outside with his guitar and starts singing some obnoxious song about how nobody cares about them.

The water will now break out in sores.

The girls retaliate by throwing water all over him and his guitar, and still he won't leave. Insecuritee just screams really loud. But the water finally does it, and he's ultimately chased away. He retreats to some other part of the balcony where he looks out at the ocean...and cries? Well, now. Shoe's not so comfy on the other foot, is it?

Derek, who else, comes over to console him. And to blame everything on the girls! "They ruined my guitar," Joey sobs. "They're just bitches!" screeches Derek. Oh, of course. The herpes spit was a show of friendship, but the water on the guitar - and Joey could have walked away from that splashing party anytime he wanted - that was just plain wrong.

"I own very little. I have my guitar and some clothes. That's my stuff," Joey tells us, making a full play for the sympathy vote. Derek comes back to the girls to accuse them of ruining Joey's $ 1,000 guitar, but they're really not feeling too bad about it. "He could have walked out at the first splash," one of the girls says. My point exactly. Then Derek pulls the inevitable, "This has nothing to do with me" that people sticking their noses in business that has nothing to do with them always say. "Then don't get involved," they tell him. Another good point! I'm totally on the girl team.

Don't cry out loud.

The next day, Joey, Brawny and Derek are still carrying on about the guitar. And indeed, they agree that the herpes spit was far worse than the water on the guitar! That he could have walked away from at any time, I feel compelled to add again. "I could reimburse them for a meal. They can't reimburse me for my guitar," he laments. Oh, please. Like you were ever reimbursing anyone for that herpes ridden taco.

Later on, Joey gets on the phone with his Mom who asks him if he made himself look bad. Mama knows her diseased boy. She tells him it's a no go, and he has to make it right. He agrees. Well, sort of. He says that he needs to make amends with the people he doesn't have problems with, but he's still going to ignore the person he doesn't like.

He goes to Insecuritee first. But he's still playing victim. You broke my guitar, I would never damage anyone's personal property, waaah waaah waaah. Insecuritee's not really buying it, but she does agree to make up with him. She's "super glad" about it. And glad that "he's a person and not just this asshole all the time." Don't speak to soon, sweetie.

And it's another night out in Cancun. Rihanna and CJ are dancing. On a stripper pole. There's grinding. It's all just a show of love for Boyfriend, I'm sure. And as they leave the club, CJ tries to kiss Rihanna. "I have a boyfriend, remember?" she says. CJ respects me! CJ respects Boyfriend! As soon as she gets home, she's back on the phone with Boyfriend, who sounds like he's about to die without her. This is so boring. And who does she think she's fooling?

The next day, Jasmine, Derek, Joey and Ayiiia are on the beach. Derek and Jasmine slip out of the picture, and Joey asks Ayiiia out on a walk. He tells us he doesn't like bad blood. Just as much as he doesn't like drama, right? He tells her he knows he did wrong, and he knows he got what he asked for. She gives him a pretty hard time, but in the end all's well that ends well. Big hugs, cheery pop music and promises of new tacos all around.

So that guitar isn't ruined? Back to the drawing board.

And then it's time for another practical joke! They decide to go back into the house and act like there was a big blowout between Ayiiia and Joey and that she hit him. They do their prep in the elevator. And they pull it off! It is not a bad performance at all. The most interesting thing about it is when they report to Rihanna, she flippantly comments, "She's going home, then," and snickers. Not a girl's girl, and I don't like it.

And that's it. Next week, Ayiiia and Insecuritee go from what looks like some kind of sex to a "Everyone hates you!" and "You're a waste of life!" fight. I have no idea how it happens, but it looks pretty caliente. Til then...

I will start off with my three favorite things: a morning Starbux, the Chenbot, and my computer.

Breakfast Botuccino

****More BB info after the jump!

Are you one of those who has never watched the show and just doesn't get the hype? Check out one week, and if you aren't hooked, I'll give you...well, a hug. I'll give you a hug. This year's theme is high school, and the Houseguests will be competing in cliques and living in a "green" house. The tree huggin' hippie kind, not the let's turn idiots into compost and grow some plants kind. Gag. Twelve contestants have been announced, and the thirteenth is a surprise. The chatter is that it's gonna be someone from a past season, but who knows? My guess is Obama. That man loves being on TV.

To check out pics of the HGs, click here (kinda already in love with Braden). For pics of the house, click here. Get your pictures in, and we'll see you next week! xo

You know what else is exciting? Auto-erotic asphixiation. Jumping out of airplanes with a ripped parachute. Russian Roulette. Doing what may or may not be exstacy that you just bought from some random hippie. Yeah, all exciting things to do BUT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY DO THEM. Unless you're an idiot.

We open this episode with yet another montage of douche grooming. Not satisfied with hair gel application and guy liner, the editors treat us to a new form of manscaping- nipple shaving. I had a feeling that Peepers was secretly a hairy little monkey.

Next is another strange and random moment. When 12 Ain't Packin' goes down to grab Daisy's diary it is surrounded by a half circle of those condiment squeeze bottles, each filled with a different rainbow hued liquid. I don't see how they serve any purpose known to Man so I'm going to assume that it's a shrine to Manic Panic hair dye that Torch left behind when his incomprehensible ass got tossed by Daisy. And I'm not talking salad here, you perverts.

There are no challenges again this week so Daisy decides to take Flex and Peepers on a daytime outing. It involves driving, so it was a smart move on their part to do it before they each drank enough to overload the L.A. water department with all the Bud Light piss they flush down the Yack Castle toilets.

Flex is bitching and moaning again. Yes Flex, we know you've been hurt a lot on this show but don't you work out for a living? Shouldn't you be stronger and more resilient than the average guy? Unless......unless you're on steroids, hmmm? Nah, I don't buy it. He's not that huge. He just drinks too much and turns into a Debbie Fall-Downer.

His face does light up when they arrive to a vast dirt expanse somewhere in the California desert because, voila. They get to ride a dune buggy!

Flex gets to drive Daisy around first and he man-handles that buggy like it was a ten dollar hooker that just tried to steal his wallet. He's a complete maniac and it looks like a total blast. How much do you want to bet that he likes it rough? I'm willing to put my sticky fingers in his back pocket to find out.
For you, of course, Gasmii. In the spirit of research.

Daisy loves it because she's an adrenaline junkie, she's says that the rush is like an orgasm for her. She also screams a lot. She seems to do that quite a bit around Flex, only thing is that it's not her prettiest moment.

While those two are having a ball, TT decides to make the separation official. He grabs his sad belongings and moves them unto an unused room down the hall where he won't have to listen to Peepers cry himself to sleep anymore. Cold. Poor Peepers is going to have a major meltdown when he finds out but TT doesn't exactly seem happy in his new digs.

This is worse than "The Breakup" and Jennifer Aniston doesn't even make an appearance. I don't know about you guys, but that barren hair flipping pile of neediness makes me want to kill myself. Or Brad Pitt, for helping to make her that way.

International tabloid fodder aside, we head back to the desert only to learn that Mr. Peepers can't drive stick for shit. He stalls the damn thing about eleventy billion times. I counted.

More sleepytime baby music plays as he finally gets the buggy moving. Barely. He never finds fourth gear and drives like this is a leisurely ride through the countryside on a Sunday afternoon, or like those ladies who insist on driving after they get a manicure but only use three fingers- one on the steering wheel and the other two on their cell phone.

I don't drive stick either but I would have lost my patience and pushed him out of that driver's seat and told him to strap in the passenger seat. He act like he'll piss his pants if he goes more than 30 miles an hour. He's sooooo boring. He's valium in human form. He's an afternoon in grandma's rocking chair while watching Bassmasters, eating tofu and washing it down with skim milk.

She decides to take the dune buggy for a spin when Peeper's snoozefest is over and she's a wee bit devil-may-care behind the wheel. She does donuts and treats them to more air time than the two of them gave her combined. Peepers pees his pants again, Flex laughs his ass off and the inevitable happens- she flips the buggy.

I have to give the girl credit for going balls out with the buggy. Either she has more guts than I gave her credit for (she did sleep with Brett Michaels) or she's just a crazy bad driver.

They arrive back at the Yack where the pitiful little monkey discovers that TT has moved out of their room. He takes a tour of TT's new space and acts like it's no big deal, calling TT a pimp for having a king size bed and his own bathroom. Way to be strong, little buddy, I totally thought you'd run off to cry into the toilet again.

Boy, can this guy take a lot of abuse. He's not completely unflappable though because he calls TT an asshole after The Chinister One tells him to go have fun in his bunkbeds. Then he does a complete about-face and delivers some toilet paper rolls to TT's bathroom. He's going to need it to sop up the tears he's going to cry while he sniffs TT's underwear for the last time. Tragic.

It's been about a nanosecond since Flex was a smartass, so we're way overdue for some words of wisdom from him. He sums up TT and Peepers relationship thusly: deviant rockstar plus little angel ass kisser equals one huge ass kissing rock star. Yes, and smart aleck personal trainer plus roided up famewhore equals uh, I don't know, half of Hollywood? You and 12 Pack should take your act on the road, you're a dime a dozen in L.A.

It's date time for 12 Pack and TT. Daisy has a table set up under the very same light rig that Flipper did a swan dive off of so many weeks ago. It's easy to forget about all the guys she's eliminated so far but damn, there was a ton of crazy in that house from the very beginning. Not that I'm complaining, it's just that time has flown by with this show.

I'm all excited because we're finally going to have some bodily fluids exchanged on this show but Peepers almost ruins it for me. He's sitting on the steps leading up to Daisy's room, looking like an anorexic Crip crossed with a baby rhesus monkey.

If he actually was a gangsta, I think I know what AK47 he'd be carrying:

He half heartedly tries to get Daisy's attention but it doesn't last very long and the two lovebirds head inside to suck face. She gets up to change into more trashy lingerie, sticks a condom down her cleavage, and they toast each other's luck for having people like you and me pay attention to their sorry asses.

And Peepers decides to camp out on her doorstep so he can catch her post-coitus and profess his undying non-love to her. The chair he picked for his pathetic vigil isn't too comfortable so he heads off to grab some pillows and a blanket. He passes Flex and TT and they rib him a little but he's a man on a mission. Maybe he doesn't understand boundaries. Maybe (definitely) he grew up inappropriately attatched to his momma. Either way, he looks pathetic.

He sprawls out on the floor and has to listen to their giggles and wiggles, 12's True Religion jeans rubbing against his wallet chain and the squeeky sound of silicone straining against a cheap bodice. God knows it bothered him when his parents went at it and heterosexual sex still gives him the willies so he calls it a night and heads back to his bunk. He curls up with his Curious George stuffed animal, his only friend now that TT's love is gone. I weep.

Not really, but I'm about to.
The next morning, 12 Pack is bursting with confidence since he got to give the dog a bone and (bonus) she never once made fun of his shrivelled up steroid balls! Yay, you! Now, get ready to have those shrivelled up balls crawl back up into your body cavity bacause Riki has a trick up his sleeve. And I do mean trick.

Ding Dong! There's someone at the door, and on this show anything involving phones or doorbells is a harbinger of doom. It turns out that Riki Fonzarelli has been getting emails from London. Wow, his park bench must be close to the library becuase I'm pretty sure that there are no electrical outlets or WiFi at L.A.'s Metro Parks. So, all of you that guessed London as our blast from Daisy's past get a gold star, or another chance to throw up right along with yours truly. Thankfully, there's a new product for that.

These emails that Riki has been receiving consist of London having a change of heart and professing that he still has feelings for Daisy. He left out the part where he spent all of the pawnshop money and he needs a new guitar to sell. He also ran out of couches to surf and food to eat but maybe, just maybe, if he treats Flex really, really well, he might make him some Ramen noodles.

What I'm hoping for is that he fucks this up and Flex beats him to within an inch of his life, but first Riki takes him up to Daisy's room. He knocks on the door and Daisy asks, "What's the password?" Poor, long suffering Riki doesn't understand what she said. He thought that she said, "What's up, has-been?" Too cute. Self depricating and funny? When is this guy not likeable? You're a stellar guy, Riki. I see it even if Daisy doesn't, as do a bunch of you. Too bad that hanging out with her is sapping you intelligence, as we will find out later.

He tells Daisy that he has someone who wants to speak to her and she's understandably confused. Talk? Put letters together to make words that form sentences? With grammar and syntax? Nooooo!!!!! And then in walks London.

Riki leaves them alone and Daisy is in a state of flustered shock. She actually looks pretty. I guess that her alkie super crush washes away the strange rubbery look her features take on when she's acting for the cameras. Or the botox is wearing off, don't care, whatever it is, it's an improvement.

They sit down to talk so let the bullshit begin! He stammers out some sort of apology amounting to him patting himself on the back for not being fake. He says that it stopped being a game for him when his feeeeelings got involved, that and copious amounts of Jose Cuervo. He seems........sober.

You know, at first I thought, why on earth would a sensible person like Riki bring this loser back into the house? Why let a guy with nothing going for him, no job, who doesn't own a comb or soap, anywhere near our blow-up doll? It seems cruel but Riki has a theory. He thinks that she'll stop pining for him once she sees him in relation to the final four guys, he'll look like the pig that he is and everyone else will look like good guys in comparison. In other words, he's going to let Flex and 12 Pack hatch some plot to get rid of him while making him look bad, thereby doing all the dirty work for him. Sounds good to me.

All this drama and hard thinking is taking it's toll on Daisy's two brain cells because she forgets how to use a door. The Force is strong with this one.

Her decision is made so we all head down to watch her tell the guys. The reactions are priceless- Flex is pissed. 12 Pack is hella disappointed, TT looks resigned because what is he going to do about it? Throw more bottles and overturn another five pound bed? Please.
He should be really, really pissed because the arrival of London means that the available quantities of alcohol are about to hit an all time low. Get ready to beg for vodka again, turd.

And what about Peepers. The poor guy has reverted back to childhood and is dressed like Sonny Crockett, visions of speedboats filled with cocaine and hot Latin men filling his head. I think that London being there doesn't even register for him. He's too busy mourning his relationship with TT. He's barely present. His brain is replaying happier times with his buddy while his body is doing it's best "Weekend at Bernie's" imitation.

We get a chorus of guys calling bullshit on the London situation and their arguments all make perfect sense. He CHOSE to leave. He hasn't had to skateboard or cook for her love, or the biggest one of all, he hasn't had to sit there and listen to Fox all this time! He has in no way, shape or form paid his dues like they have and now he's just going to waltz in and take over? Screw that! They better have some Major League hazing planned for him next week or I'm going to be pissed, or make him relive the cage fights he missed out on.

Riki disappoints me yet again, but only in a minor way when he defends her decision by saying that Daisy still has feeeelings for London and needs some resolvement. Oh, Riki. RESOLUTION, my child, and stop digging around in daisy's stash, your IQ is taking a major hit this week.

They leave London to the wolves and he sits down on the one empty couch with a nice big cock-sucking grin on his face.

Don't let me down, Flex.
They all shake his hand like good sports who smile in your face before kicking your ass, except for TT. Once again, he's being a dumbass. Don't ever let anyone know that they are getting to you! You end up looking like a pussy, not the hard-ass you think you are.

Everyone leaves the room except for London and Peepers. He finally wakes up from his reverie and is all friendly to London, telling him that the boots he left behind are safely ensconced in Peepers' closet, right behind his Barbie Dream House. He also tells him that he can stay in his room if he'd like. Awwww! Is he moving on? I'm so proud of him! More baby sleepytime music plays and another angel gets it's wings. Or is it fairy?

He runs up to check on Daisy with a renewed spring in his step, the first blush of love will do that to you. He's all sweet and loving and caring and even does the patented Daisy of Love face grab smother kiss. Are they all afraid that her augmented face will slide off like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark if they don't hold it in place? Have they run out of foundation and are stealing what they can by rubbing it off of her cheeks? I think that the last thing I'd want to touch would be her face. Um, make that next to last. Yuck.

What Peepers doesn't realize is that he was born to fulfill a completely different destiny- that of gay bestie. The guy you shop with, who'll take you to the dance if you don't have a date. The gay friend whom you tease mercilessly for being a wuss yet he still lets you cry on his shoulder after you get crabs from that perfectly nice boy with the Harley and the deee-luxe double wide.
I hope he wakes up one day, preferably soon.

There is one more conversation left between Daisy and London on the back terrace at sunset. It's very pretty and romantic and London lies through his teeth. She lays down the law and he promises not to leave again, only he's all shifty eyed and never looks straight at her. Wake up, Daisy. He's a deceptive, manipulative jerk.

I hate to go all Seinfeld on you guys again but what is up with the dark circles under his eyes? Is he permanently hung over and sleep deprived from having to share his park bench with skid row bums? Or is his eyeliner collecting in his bags because he never washes it off, opting instead for the daily reapply? It's gross so I just don't get it when Daisy says that he makes her nervous and clumsy, he's just soooo damn hot.

It's elimination time again and a bunch of angry young men gather on the risers. Daisy has made London stand off to the side because he hasn't been officially allowed back in the house. Yeah, right.

Peepers: "I'm just glad to be tackling this problem right now instead of the future."
Translation: "Thank God there's someone else to pick on now, and I can play with my Care Bears in peace."

12 Pack: " You wanna be with me, you're gonna be with me. You wanna be with London, so be it."
Translation: "I don't give a flying fuck, I just signed the contract for 12 Pack of Love."

And TT: "I fought my way to get here and I'm gonna keep on fighting until you kick me out of here."
Translation: "Please don't kick me out before Peepers, please, please!"

So now we know how they all feel, as if there was any doubt and Daisy turns to London. She tells him that because he walked out last time she doesn't trust him and ultimately he doesn't deserve a chain. The boys are doing backflips inside and planning out which cocktail to imbibe first when......rrrrriiip! Pull the needle off the record, holy smokes, she lets him stay.

Now the boys are all planning a slow, painful death for him and which cocktail to imbibe first.

London's a happy camper. Free meals again, Kamchatka flowing like the mighty Mississippi and how much can you get for a Barbie Dream House on Ebay these days? He says that he hears angels singing but that was just Peepers on the other end of the risers imagining the first time London tops him. Alas, it's not to be.

The Ambiguously Gay Duo are in the bottom two. She has to let one go and she's oh-so-sorry that their relationship has suffered over their fight for her love, but the final battle in their divorce is almost complete.

She compliments Peepers on his loyalty and says goodbye, oh, and surprise, surprise. He cried ten times more when TT dissed him than when Daisy dumped him. You could tell that he made an effort to force some out but his tear duct only queefed a little.

Well, everbody, how do you feel now that the lying scumbag with daddy issues is back? You certainly know how I feel. It's too bad this wasn't filmed in New Jersey. I would love for Teresa to flip a table over on him and then gnaw on his bones like the Cro-Magnon she is. Or she could hit him over the head with an solid onyx guitar.

Love you, Yenta! And everybody else. What am I going to do with myself when this show is over?

Love and kisses,
Twunty McSlore

They couldn't come up with anything better than this?!? 

In order to prepare myself for this week's "job" I decided it would be a good idea to punch myself in the face over and over and over and over. Truth be told, I was hoping to give myself a concussion so that I could tell Flipit he needed to get someone else to write this. Sadly, a concussion doesn't appear to be valid excuse for not writing your recap. DAMN.

She could care less that she didn't get paid as a ghost hunter, or a clown, or a fast food worker. She doesn't give a shit about those jobs because she knows one thing she's good at is ass kicking. Good thing she's going to be a boxer then, huh? New York says she doesn't want anyone but Pumkin in that ring.

"Live like a princess, rule like a queen. HBIC ain't playing in the ring." Was that supposed to rhyme or something? Why do I have a feeling that the entire hour is going to be chock full of such witty, "spontaneous" banter?

Ah ah ah choo! 

They pull up to the House of Champions. I guess that's better than if they had pulled up to the House of Losers. New York is ready to kick some ass!

♫♪ Psycho!! ♫♪ 

Once inside she meet the woman who will be her trainer preparing her over the next two days for the upcoming match. Good luck with that Mia!

Mia wants to know if New York is nervous. "Hell no!" She is ready. New York thinks that Mia looks like she could whoop some ass; here's hoping we get a chance to see Mia whoop New York's ass! Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease. 

Blah blah blah.....the winner of the fight gets ten grand, but if she loses........New York butts in to say she is not losing. Mia likes her confidence. Now that Mia's established that New York is ready and has the right attitude, it's time to attend the totally fake legitimate press conference. 

Why is this dude holding the camera up to his forehead?!?! Is he taking the picture with his third eye or something?!!? 

The "announcer" Todd Wetherill, tells us that this is one of the most anticipated VH-1 sporting events ever. Really Todd? This guy needs to shut the fuck up. Seriously, could this whole thing be any more ridiculous? So I'm skipping over all this hoopla. Todd introduces New York and then Mia.

And then it's time to introduce the possible contenders: Mr. Boston, Bryan the pig farmer, and Pumkin. AND PUMKIN. PUMKIN???? New York yells, "Bitch, bring your ass out here!" Looks like Pumkin is a no show. What a crock of shit. So people voted on this, paying money for those votes and Pumkin didn't even show up???? 

You KNOW she was the one that got the most votes. She'd better be showing up later. New York says if she was that biatch she wouldn't have shown up either.

♫♪ Wacko!! ♫♪ 

Todd tells us that under the HBIC World Championship rules. if Pumkin shows up tomorrow and America votes her in, she's still eligible to fight. New York hopes she shows because she wants to smash "her pumpkin head in." 

Now it's time for the contenders to get to talk. Mr. Boston is up first. He thinks the time has come for America to see New York get knocked on her ass. And he's just the douchebag guy to do it. New York thinks he's dreaming. Now he'll be taking questions from the "journalists".

One of them, Bob Woodward I think, wants to know if Mr. Boston is concerned about being known as a guy who beats up women. Well, he's thought of that, and apparently there's some question as to whether or not New York really is a woman, so I guess that totally makes it alright to hit her? I don't know, y'all. His logic is too strong for me.

If she used to be a man, or is a man, then it's totally alright for me to kick her ass. Oh shit! I kissed her!! Him. Her. Wait! What was I talking about? Does anyone have some baked beans? 

Up next to talk is Bryan. Bryan is going to be quick, and she won't even see what hit her. 

I bet you say that to all the girls! 

Questions for Bryan? Carl Bernstein has one. Bryan said he wrestles pigs on his dad's pig farm, was he comparing New York to a pig?

If the snout fits...... 

Bryan WOULD have to compare New York to a pig. From where he's standing it smells an awful lot like pig crap. New York says that's the pig shit under his fingernails. "Smell 'em!" Noooooo thank you! Interestingly no one seems to care whether it makes Bryan an asshole for possibly hitting a woman.

These are the best journalists evah!! And if you text "train me" to VH-1 now, you too can be a serious journalist. Each text message cost $5,999. 

Todd gives a quick shout out to the owner of House of Idiots Champions, before moving on to the main attraction, New York. She's ready for their questions. Ernie Pyle asks New York, "What do you think it'll take to knock out a big guy like Mr. Boston over there?" 

New York doesn't think it will take much. "HELLO. GOODBYE." Ernie Harwell says New York was hit by the spit heard round the world, doesn't she just wanna get Pumkin in the ring? Yep. That's who she wants. She doesn't wanna fight Bryan, she doesn't wanna fight Boston. She wants some Pumkin.

I want some Pumkin pie. 

Training time. The guys go first, with the owner of House of Morons Champions, Mark Parra.

Mark's an ass. He tells the guy's they should call him sensei. And then lists all the people he's trained. Yeah, you're so awesome at training people you've landed here with these idiots. Yay Mark! Mr Boston doesn't know what sensei means, and he doesn't care what sensei means, he's just looking forward to beating up New York. They head off to do some warm ups in the mirror.

New York meets Mia for her training. Mia wants to New York to work up a sweat, and New York tells her she's good at sweating, "especially in the bedroom." Thanks for sharing. Mia says the qualities New York is going to need are stamina, speed and technique.

Back to the boys, warming up with jump ropes.

No words. 

New York is also jumping rope. Mia's impressed and New York tells her she used to play double dutch in high school. Then they work on their Tae Bo a little.

New York says she just ate lunch. And it's coming back out. EWWWWWWWW. Which way? EWWWWWWWW again. I need to learn to not ask these questions. Mia calls her a sissy, and then Boston yells over to her from the other side of the gym about getting tired already. She's not tired, she just ate lunch. 

From what Bryan's seeing, he's not worried about tomorrow. Boston's happy that they're learning a lot of punches so that he can beat New York's ass. Mia is teaching New York about personal space, and not letting anyone in to her personal space.

It's a little late for that lesson 

More training, BOOOORRRRING. I'm so done with this fucking training crap. New York thinks it's hard, she didn't think she'd be able to do this. I don't think I'll be able to get through this. Yeah, I know, no one's crying for me either.

As we head into the commercial break, New York tells us she doesn't wanna work a steady job. VH-1 wants you to vote on what she should do next.

They forgot "D - Dig a hole and bury herself in it." Any guesses which one I'm voting for? 

We come back to more training. Well, actually they're taking a break before doing a little sparring. New York says she's going to win. Boston says we'll see about that since there's money on the line. He wants her to think about what a nice sweet guy he is so he won't expect it when he kicks her ass.

Sparring time. They'll all be sparring with this lady.

Scaaaaaaa-ry! 

This lady was a pro wrestler for fifteen years and was known for picking up three hundred pound guys, "dumpin' 'em and knockin' 'em."

Really REALLY Scary. 

I hope they all get their asses kicked by this broad. New York thinks she's a beast and does NOT want to get in the ring with her. Mr. Boston's up first. New York can't wait to see him get his ass handed to him.

Beantown? Wienie Town.  

Bryan's next. He's never sparred before but he can't imagine it will be that difficult. New York feels bad for him and wants to destroy his ass at the same time. 

I don't even think she connected to him on that one. Maybe she blew him over with her breath. Not that she has bad breath or anything! Don't come looking for me scary boxing lady!! Bryan actually lands some punches. I'm sure they were completely legit.

New York's turn. Mia tells her to just pop scary boxing lady right in the face and then move, move, move. Yeah, as in get the hell outta there before she pops you back! Mia thinks she started out great, her punches were hard and she had great movement. And then....

Once she got hit, she got all riled up which is the worst thing to do, I guess. It basically falls apart once she gets hit in the face. And before you know it, she's tired. She rallies back and makes it through the round, but she does not like doing that. She doesn't know if she can do this.

I'm going to skip over the part where she fake quits and Mia talks her into doing it. So lame, so predictable, I'm so over this formula in everything that she's done this season. Let's just skip to the part where she decides to go on to the fight. And we can pretend it was super inspirational.

Oh, but I spoke too soon. New York has decided she needs some divine inspiration, so off to church she goes. 

Good food, good meat, good god, let's eat! 

What? It's the only prayer she knows!

Kidding! Let's listen in on New York's heartfelt prayer....... "Heavenly Father, I thank you for putting me in this opportunity (where I can make money jumping around and screaming like an idiot week after week after week). I thank you for making me strong (and my breath stronger). But father, I ask that you give me the strength that I need to win this fight tonight. Lord, I don't know who I'm gonna fight tonight, but whoever it is, I know I'm gonna beat their face in."

Should she be talking about beating people's facing in while she's in church? 

So spiritually uplifting. I bet a lot of people will return to the church after seeing this.

Fight time. Looks like they've hired some idiot announcers for the fight, and the school gym boxing arena is packed to the gills with paid extras rabid fans. Todd is back as the "let's get ready to rumble" guy. Except he yells, "Let's. Get. To. Wooooooorrrrk!" 

Out comes New York. But who will she be fighting? It's..................Pumkin! WOO HOO! But wait! Pumkin has chickened out and is a no show. YAY! That means the match is cancelled, right? WRONG! New York's gonna fight Mr. Boston instead. Blech.

New York's okay with this; she's going to pretend he's Pumkin and bash his freaking face in. 

Hey! It's Dickish Diva from the Nudie Resort! 

Mr Boston comes out swinging and hits New York. She starts flailing at him and he hits her again. And again. 

Whatta man. 

New York is down. But we still have twenty fucking minutes (fifteen after commercials) to go on this thing, so I know she's not going to stay down. She doesn't. She gets up and seems a little discombobulated. She comes out punching and kicking, and that's the end of round one.

Mia tells her not to get mad. Boston is ready to put her away. Round two. Boston knocks New York down again. How many freaking rounds is this stupid fight? Round three. It all comes down to this round if New York wants to keep her HBIC title. Didn't she self-appoint herself anyway?

New York lands some good ones in that round. Alright, last round. New York is a crazy lady, throwing punches left and right. But she's so frenetic that she's leaves herself open for a big punch to the head from Boston. She seems ready to give up, and then she doesn't. This is just too riveting.

The match is over. Who will be declared the winner? I could give a shit. Actually, I hope she loses. UGH. It's a draw. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! That was so incredibly LAME. So they each get five grand, and I'm off to get a fucking drink. 

Salute! 

So Gasmi, that's it for this season. What did you think? Do you hope that New York gets another show, or crawls under a rock? We all know what I'm hoping for! Thanks for coming along on this hell ride with me. When all is said I done, I had a great time, but that's only because you all were along for the ride with me. I'll be over on So You Think You Dance, so please come visit from time to time.

Big Kisses, Big Hugs, Much Love,

SWAK, PottyMouth

...but isn't it funny how it's the tatted-up greasy-looking French guy acting like everyone else smells bad...

Kidding! Of course I know that the stereotype of French people arrogantly wafting about in a cloud of their own ripe bodyfunk and hating all things United Statesian is mostly (and unfairly) come by, and leads to us Americans making unfortunate decisions that the French could really give less of le deux shits about, such as whether or not to call a fast-food product they didn't even invent something stupid like "freedom fries". However, on tonight's episode of Top Chef Masters we are introduced to a Master who doesn't do a damned thing to dispel those stereotypes, and for zat I loff heem. Get ready to see some major buttwaddiness after the jump...

...also known as Daddy Tom Verrrr 2.0 (The Latin Rrrremix)...

Wilo introduces himself to us in Spanish and lets us know that he's the chef and proprietor of Pikayo, Payá and Varita restaurants in San Juan. Papi Tom 2.0 says he's been a chef for 27 years and has a lot of love for what he does...

...as evidenced by the fact that he voluntarily agreed to stare at this for several hours...

Yeesh, I forgot just how fucking gruesome that was. *shudder* It's amazing he can even eat food after that, much less enjoy it (or keep it down). At any rate, after a mini-flashback showing him dressing down Season 4 cheftestant Antonia for her slimy, uncooked, overripe plantains (which are not nearly as bad as burnt charred rubbery eeeeeeegggs!) PT 2.0 admits that there's going to be a lot of pressure on him to do well. Being Puerrrrto Rrrrico's sole "celebrity chef" means the reputation of an entire island territory is on the line, so he best traiga la comida!

The next Master enters the G.I. Monogamy Kitchen, and for a moment I went "Aaaaaaaaaaaa!" and maybe peed a little 'cuz I thought it was my step-mother...

..."You know, J-Mo, you really ought to call your father more often, he worries about you hanging out with all those drug queens all the time... Oh?... Drag queens, is it? What are they dragging? Never mind, I don't want to know, I'm sure its more of your special brand of heartbreaking weirdness that we'll never understand..." ...

After I retrieved my wildly beating heart from three streets over, I realized that it wasn't my step-mother, but instead it's a gentle chef by the name of Cindy Pawlcyn (and yes, at first I thought her last name was "Paw-luck-EEN" but really it's pronounced "PAULson") and she's the executive chef and owner of Mustard's Grill in Napa Valley as well as Cindy's Backstreet Kitchen. NerdMosexual lispily calls her the "Queen Of Napa Valley Cooking"...

...which is quite apropos coming from the "Queen Of Solitary Saturday Night Masturbation"...

Cindy seems quite sweet and a tad nutty (just like granola!) as she says she's been cooking since she was 13 years old and hopes she doesn't "go brain-dead" during the competition. I'm guessing she hasn't seen the caliber of some of the "chefs" on this show and doesn't realize that the contents of her grease-traps are probably tastier and have far more culinary imagination than most of the dishes made by some of the hacks that have paraded their ass-faces across our TV screens...

...Case in point. ...

Yowza! *twitch* I gotta stop doing that! Anyhow, Granowlycyn (pronounced "gra-NO-la-sin") is making me feel warm and comfy (despite her unintentional resemblance to my step-mother) and she just looks like the kind of woman who'd give you a cookie if you asked her for one... well, that's my test for How To Tell The Cool People From The Jerkwads, anyhow...

And speaking of Lé Jherquewadd, it's time to meet our third Master of the evening, none other than Ludovic Lefebvre, who is clearly tickled to be a part of this show, you can just tell because he has that certain je ne sais quoi...

...which is French for "pissy-faced boogersnot"...

Of course, he owns his own restaurant. It's called Ludo Bites. No, really. That's the name of it. He totally called it that on purpose. One great thing about Ludocrous is that he is helpfully subtitled for the entire episode, and I certainly appreciate that because if it's one thing that the French language is known for, it's words with 73 consonants that are pronounced "meh". Anyhow, he's bragging about how he became a chef at the tender young age of 24 at a place called "L'Orangerie" which I highly suspect is the Parisian version of Orange Julius...

..."Zis eez where I beecomm zee expairt on mekeeng zee 'Piña Colaza' Jhooleuzz."...

Le Ludocrous goes on to say that he was very lucky because he got to apprentice under Marcel Marceau and now when he does that "trapped in a glass box" thing in the park, people totally believe he's actually trapped in a glass box! Oh, wait. Sorry, my mistake, I guess he actually apprenticed under Marc Meneau who is apparently one of "zee beegezt" chefs in all of France. Wow, only two paragraphs and already I'm tired of his "my deeck eez beeger zan yourr deeck" attitude. He admits that he is extremely competitive and doesn't like to lose. I love it when people say that, don't you? Okay, Lieutenant Obvious, exactly who does like to lose?

Ahhh, like a sweet, sweet refreshing palate cleanser, here comes a smiling Rick Bayless to brighten my day from those dark greasy clouds threatening to overtake it...

...plus he looks like he'd make you one of those tinfoil swans for your leftovers!...

Rick is the chef and owner of Frontera Grill and Topolobampo in Chicago, which I must admit is not the first city that comes to mind when thinking about Mexican food. However, it appears that Bayless has had a long and enduring love affair with Mexico and it's native cuisine (he's shown in his kitchens speaking fluent Spanish with his staff) and Daddy Tom says he's had multiple James Beard award wins not just for being Best Chef, but also for Topolobampo being Best Restaurant in America! Huh... and here I thought that title already went to Waffle House! At any rate, Bayleafs is a bad ass, and yet he's not huffing and puffing and trying to come on like one. Which, if I were competing against him would be far more frightening.

Now that everyone's gathered together, here comes Bok Choi to welcome them and ask if any of them are feeling nervous or have butterflies at all. Bayleafs is the first to pipe right up and admit he's nervous because he's not in his home kitchen, and most of the other chefs smile and nod because they know exactly what he means and it's a really cute bonding moment for them...

...with one notable exception...

Yes, of course, Ludocrous can only sneer at an inferior chef of Bayleafs stature admitting he's nervous. Anyhow, Bok Choi points out that Bayleafs has been there before as a judge and he admits that it's a lot easier to stand around and tell other people how they should have done their food better, but it's very different when it's your own stuff being judged and he's scared to death.

Well, it's too late for nerves now, because it's time for the Quickfire Challenge, and they have to draw knives. Papi Tom 2.0 pulls first and gets a blade covered with the color orange. Granolwycyn chooses next and gets yellow, Le Ludocrous gets red and Bayleafs winds up with green. I was hoping they'd have to make a meal out of nothing but Starburst Fruit Chews™ and Skittles™ but my fantasy is denied. Instead, it turns out I was psychic once again, because this Quickfire is the one from Season Two where the chefs were asked to create a complete and satisfying dish based on a color! How does this prove I was psychic? Take a look at who won...

...Oxycontin Moonfaced Moron Mikey!...

Yup, this was the Quickfire where Moonfaced Moron wound up kicking everyone's ass by serving "sushi rice with salmon and carrot chips". Yes, that all sounds very orangey, but I still think you'd have to be stoned out of your gourd (like he was) to serve it to someone with a straight face. Papi Tom 2.0 is a little leery of this challenge already as he points out single-color dishes generally don't appeal to most people. He has obviously never known the joy of diving into a brilliantly orange plate of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Now we also get to meet today's judges for the Quickfire...

...it's the cast of "Self-Stimulation In The City"! ...

I'm kidding! Actually the Weird Sisters here are comprised of a food stylist named Chris Oliver, a cookbook author named JoAnn Cianciulli (pronounced "chan-CHEW-lee") and a food photographer named Christina Peters. Nope, still not impressed. They did better having previous cheftestants (or even rabid little girl scouts) to judge this stuff. These three just look ready to bitch faster than you can say "dateless".

Bok Choi's trying to convince us of their relevance here by insisting that they're super-qualified to judge because they spend their lives thinking about how food looks as well as tastes, and I have to call bullshit on that, because I've seen plenty of those food styling and photography competitions on TV and they don't have fuckall to do with how the stuff tastes, because a lot of the time they're not even using fully cooked food or even food at all! Based on that, I'm thinking the only one who might have the valid foodie creds is JoAnn the cookbook author, but then I read her TwitterTwatters and they're annoying so I'm kinda not caring for any of them at this point.

However, one lady I do care about is our gentle Granowlycyn, who says she's suddenly far more nervous than she thought she'd be, "I am older, and I'm not as fast as I used to be." Awww, buck up there Cindy, and don't let these three intimidate you! With that, Bok Choi gives them their 30 minutes and it's time to get colorful!...

...and let's face it, if this boob can do it, then these four should be golden...

Bayleafs is a little freaked because so much of his style of cooking requires slow heat over a course of hours, and 30 minutes is barely enough time to do one tortilla, much less an entire dish. Le Ludocrous, on the other hand has jumped right on into his hue, "Red eez a vayree eentense colouer... and Ay'm vayree eentense!" Ooh la la!

LuLu's going to make a red beet gazpacho, coupled with steak smothered in Gorton's Tartar Sauce... Whoa, scratch that... it's actually a steak tartare... which is a term derived from an old Turkish word that means "explosive bacterial diarrhea". He's going to gussy up his mound of finely chopped raw beef with some olive oil, tomato and watermelon. Well, why not add some Twizzlers™ and Cherry Kool-Aid™ to the mix while you're at it? They're intense red, too.

Ah, but now it's time for Le Ludocrous to explain to this audience of simpletons that we ignorant Americans have no ideeea how chefs are trained in France, we just have no ideeea, "Zey reeely poosh yoo! Zey haff so mush prayssure!" and says that when he worked with Alain Passard...

...perhaps because he caught a glimpse of the state of his hair?...

Well, wah wah wah, I bet it's no picneeck studying with LuLu, either. Anyhow, he says the whole crying incident caused him to realize he takes his cooking very personally and very seriously. And we probably should, too. But I won't and he can't make me, so there.

Now here's something interesting... Granowlycyn's talking about how she never thought she'd be able to own a restaurant on her own because when she started out a lot of male chefs didn't even want women in the kitchen (well, at least professional kitchens, they had no problem with women being imprisoned in the home version)... "They thought we could be in the pantry or the bake shop but we could never become chefs... and they would tell you that, point-blank."...

...once again, hairstyles weren't the only thing we were wrong about in the Seventies...

...however she credits her determination and stubbornness as having made her strong enough to forge ahead and become the chef she knew she was meant to be. Good for you, Granowlycyn! Today for her dish full of sunshineyness she's making quick-grits with vegetable curry (and calling it "A Celebration Of Yellow", which, meh, should've worked a little harder on the name there, Gran) and adding in yellow tomatoes and yellow peppers and grilled sweet corn and cheese and crispy fried corn tortillas. I'm a tad surprised that there's no lemon or pineapple being tossed in there, but perhaps she's trying to actually win this thing.

Bayleafs is actually quite happy he wound up with green, because he cooks with green stuff all the time. He's going to do roasted vegetables on a banana leaf with some molé verde made with roasted tomatillos, cilantro, green chile and thickened with pumpkin seeds. That sounds pretty good, if a tad colon-cleansing.

Papi Tom 2.0 got stuck with orange, and he's making a smoked salmon tartare and raw carrots brunoise (which is apparently a fifty-cent word that means "cut up into teeny cubes"). He also happened to see some edible flowers in the pantry and while such things aren't really his style, he believes that adding these to the dish will appeal to the Weird Sisters. I think adding a bottle of gin would appeal a helluva lot more, but I don't know that much about women (other than almost being one) so perhaps the chewy flowers will be welcome...

..."Besides, I drank all the gin when Ludo showed up..." ...

And wait a minute, here, didn't Moonfaced Moron's orange dish have almost the exact same ingredients? Are you sure you want to be mimicking the King of the Poopy Cheeto so closely Papi? We'll soon find out. With 10 minutes left they're all going into overdrive and Granowlycyn's asking Le Ludocrous if she can use one of the corners of his stove for something and he magnanimously replies "Becozz eet eez yoo... normellee Ay doan shayir, Ay'm Frainsche!" Prick. Gran just chuckles and tells us she loves LuLu because he's so French and gets so fired up. I think she means that he's kind of an easily excitable dork and they love to set him off and watch him implode.

Two minute warning! (ooooh, butch reference, no?) Everybody's plating like mad, Papi Tom 2.0's shoving his salmon chunks into ring molds, Bayleaves is slopping green shit into his banana leaves, Granowlycyn's got her "Celebration of Babyshit Yellow" confined to little bowls... and with only a minute left a suddenly very desperate sounding Ludocrous is begging her to help him plate his dish! This must be his payback for letting her use a corner of his stove. He's having her pour out beet juice for him into containers while he spoons out his little tartare turds... except when Bok Choi returns and time is called it sounds as though she didn't get it together for him in time because she looks embarrassed and murmurs "Sorry, honey." I don't think he even heard her because suddenly he let out a giant "Merde!" and is heading back over to the fridge...

...Le Ruh-Roh...

Poor LuLu, he can't believe he made such a silly mistake, and is convinced that he's going to lose right then and there. As if that wasn't bad enough, the servers accidentally fucked him over, too, because they forgot to take the weird little urns of beet gazpacho with the plates (apparenly Granowlycyn was successful at getting that part done after all). "Why yoo doan take zat? Zee gazpashow havv soo mush fleveurs, ze vaneegarr, ze ballsameek, ze mousetard waz goeeng to go wizzee beef!" Looks like it's too late cuz they're serving it up to the Weird Sisters now...

...looks like a raw hamburger pattie with Jolly Ranchers to me...

The Sisters begin to chow down, and when the waiter returns Le Ludocrous verbally assaults him pointing out that "Ze beet joose wazz righeet zere, Ceeendee pleted eet forr mee!" LuLu's freaking out, the waiter didn't return to the table with the all important beet juice gazpacho until four minutes had passed! Meanwhile, the girls loved the tartare, they thought it tasted amazing... and suddenly the waiter reappears with the gazpacho and Bok Choi stops the Sisters in mid-bite to say the chef insisted they pour this glop on top of their dish before eating it...

...which is great because now instead of resembling a raw hamburger pattie it looks like a bowl of fresh menses...

Bokky asks them if the dish has become more appetizing. The answer is a resounding no, "That sauce looks like blood!" chirps one of the Sisters, and Le Ludocrous is rolling his eyes and swearing again. Ah well, c'est la vie!

They've moved on to Granowlycyn's dish...

...awwww, it's like a hug in a bowl!...

Annoying Tweeter JoAnn says she likes all the different shades of yellow and different textures, while Stylist Chris-O and Foodarazzi Christina praise the presentation (although Foodarazzi kind of makes a face about eating the grits). Granowlycyn takes a positive attitude, "Well, they didn't, like, spit it out, so I'm feeling pretty good!"

It's Bayleaves' turn, and after the amuse-bouche-sized dishes they got out of LuLu and Gran, the Weird Sisters are definitely oohing and ahhing over the hearty-sized bowl containing his green dish as it's placed in front of them...

...nice, but I don't care for the slightly moldy look of the pumkin seeds...

Once again, Stylist Chris-O talks a lot about how the food looks, while Annoying Tweeter makes an unconscious-almost-puking face when she swallows a mouthful and kinda chokes out "It's complex."...

...good thing that bowl's so big (just in case she loses her struggle with her gorge)...

...but then she tries to lie for her naked facial expression and says "It's tas*urp*ty!" I'm not really buying it, but I think the presentation has 'em sold.

Last one up with his plate of Comida Naranja is Papi Tom 2.0...

...awwww, looks like Fancy Feast™...

I half-expected a bitchy-looking Persian cat to jump up and start chowing down on that shit. As if that wasn't weird enough, Papi accidentally left the ring-molds around his salmon patties, which Stylist Chris-O immediately notices probably should have been removed before the dish was served...

...especially since it's not helping to dispel the whole "can of cat food" impression...

Foodarazzi says the watery-looking sauce is really great and Annoying Tweeter calls the flavors "big" and says she's going to eat all of it, but she still looks like she's ready to hurl. Perhaps that's just the way her face is. Papi's sooo embarrassed, he says it's like leaving the laundry sticker on your tuxedo, but I'd go him one better and say it's kind of like trying to wear the tuxedo while it's still in the plastic bag. And has a bunch of giant cock rings dangling off of it.

With almost zero critique about the actual taste of the food, Bok Choi hands out the Star-Cards and the Weird Sisters clap their hands excitedly at getting to be judgmental about something. Back in the G.N.C. Monosodium Glutamate Kitchen, Granowlycyn calls out in vain "Don't give any of us zeroes, okay? That would hurt our feelings!" Awww, she's so sweet, I just wanna give her a big hug. Or a shot of tequila.

And here's how it all panned out (pardon the pun)...

...Yay Papi (and poor LuLu!)...

Papi Tom 2.0 can't believe he won the Quickfire, he thought for sure he was screwed, blued and tattooed for leaving those cock-rings ring molds on his plate, and he's overjoyed, as is pretty much everyone else in regards to their scores...

...with the one usual exception...

Put your dirty looks away, Ludocrous! It's time for the Elimination Challenge, which initially sounds pretty easy... they have to create a "street-food" dish that they'll be serving to the general public at Universal Studios. The twist is, they're going to have to use a "special" ingredient, and Bok Choi makes them draw knives to see what it will be. Papi Tom 2.0 gets #1, Granowlycyn #3, Ludocrous #4 and Bayleafs #2.

It turns out that Papi has to cook...

...with Captain Beefheart...

...while Bayleafs is awarded a big hunk of...

...Lesbian Fantasy (a.k.a. mega-tongue)...

...and Granowlycyn's going to have to deal with...

...tripe (a.k.a. Proposition 8)...

...while Le Ludocrous got stuck having to contend with...

...yet another unfortunate by-product of the swine flu...

Papi Tom 2.0 says he's never worked with beefheart before, but he'll come up with something, and Bayleafs is happy because he loves to eat tongue, although he realizes what a challenge it's going to be to get your average McAmerican to put down the freedom fries and pick up a hunk of cow-licker. Granowlycyn's also excited about getting to work with offal (which she pronounces "AW-ful" and I always thought it was "OH-full") because she thinks those are the "interesting parts"... like brains, spleen, liver, kidney, testicles, etc...

...okay, calm down about how much you like to consume body parts Mother Lecter!...

Of course, Le Ludocrous forces a great big smile and claims he likes sow ears, "Ay uze dat een Frahnze!", he crows, just in case you forgot where he was from. I'm guessing France probably has a high population of deaf pigs just because they like to eat weird-ass shit like that. Privately, LuLu tells us "Eef yoo wann too bee zee Mastair, yoo nid to know abowoot food! Ay know how too koook zee peeg eer! Ay know how too koook zee traieep, zee tongg, zee haart! Ay know all zis teengs!" Yeah, and if you want to be the Master, you also need to remember to put all your fucking food on the plate before the buzzer sounds, okay Hercule Poirot?

Anyhow, Bok Choi lets them know they're going to be given 45 minutes and $300.00 to go shopping at Whole Paycheck Market (which will buy exactly two olives and a martini glass) as well as access to the entire Top Chef Masters Pantry. They also get 3 hours to prep in the kitchen and then an hour on location the following day at Universal Studios to prepare and cook their street-food for the public.

At Whole Paycheck, after all his bluster and blowsy bullshit, Le Ludocrous is suddenly having an attack of nerves, saying "Wee doan doo strit-food een Frahnze!" so he's desperate for something easy and quickly settles on making a pig's ear quesadilla. To this end he immediately grabs Bayleafs and starts pumping him for some vital information...

..."Well, Ludo, I think that would definitely be Limburger..."...

Bayleafs is too nice to do that to the prick, so he helps LuLu out, but privately he says "What does a Frenchman know about making quesadillas?" I say who cares as long as we get to see some kind of crash-and-burn here!

While wandering the store and mulling over ideas, Papi Tom 2.0 has had a flash of inspiration to do a tripleta (or "three meat") sandwich that is very traditional street-vendor fare in Puerrrrto Rrrrico. He's also going to change it up a little by putting it in pita-bread instead of on regular French or Cuban bread. Oh yeah, and instead of regular beef, it'll be cow heart. Mmm.

Wow, Granowlycyn's still high on the fact that they'll be cooking and serving awful offal, and says she started a club called "Girls Who Eat Guts" (or GWEG for short) and they go out and eat organ meat. I guess joining a bowling league was just too pedestrian for them. Anyhow, she's making everyone's favorite tripe-related product...

...and yes, I bet it tastes just like boysweat...

Okay, wrong menudo, but you knew I had to do that. I've never understood why menudo is considered a "hangover cure", generally the last thing my stomach needs after a night of heavy boozing is some spiced up stomach lining. However, Granowlycyn swears by it and thinks she's got a great idea on her hands.

Uh-oh, there's drama in Frahnze! Le Ludocrous has just spied Bayleafs cart filled with tortillas because he's decided to do a tongue taco (well, duh, LuLu, the guy's only an honorary Mexican for Chrissake, did you think he was going to go for making a soufflé or egg rolls?) and now LuLu says he wishes he had not told Bayleafs that he was making a quesadilla because he's convinced that Rick "copied" him. "Ay'm note here too hailp peepull!" he whines. What an asshole...

...hmmm, perhaps Bayleafs convinced him to buy Limburger cheese for his quesadillas after all...

Back at the G.Q. Monorail Kitchen, the four Masters are just now realizing that these kinds of bizarre proteins generally take a loooong time to cook, so Granowlycyn's going to put her tripe in a pressure cooker... if she can figure out how to put the lid on so it doesn't blow off and decapitate Ludocrous. Hey, on second thought, leave that lid just a smidge loose, K Gran?

Papi Tom 2.0's not taking any chances with his beefheart, he's slicing it thinly and then chopping it even finer so it looks kind of like bacon, only weird-tasting. Meanwhile LuLu is blanching his pig ears in a broth with lots of veggies and hoping he has enough time to change their rubbery consistency into something more edible. And wouldn't you know it, once again, the time is running out and LuLu is freaking out because he doesn't have his crap packed up and ready to go, everybody else finished way before him. Bayleafs generously offers to help him pack stuff up, but Le Ludocrous takes this as an insult and privately says "Stay awaiy from mee, Leemee alyone..." and then he unloads my personal favorite...

..."Doan tayill mee houw too koook!...

Um, LuLu, I hate to break it down for you, but he was just offering to put some stuff in a few Glad Family Of Products™ containers for you, it's not like he tried to put his hands down your pants. Although I'm starting to wonder if a handjob is just what Ludocrous needs to loosen up a little. I'm not volunteering, just wondering aloud.

The next day the Masters arrive at Universal Studios and begin their one hour of prep/cook time. Granowlycyn's happy that she chose to go with her menudo because it's easy to serve soup in a little bowl rather than have to make a bunch of tacos or sammiches. She's even found a cutesy name for it: "Yummy Tummy". Ugh, I think "Barfy Snarfy" is closer to truth in advertising. I have to come clean right now, I could never be a member of GWEG, even though there are many people who would probably be amazed and/or disgusted at some of the things I have put in my mouth, something about eating the non-Big-Mac parts of animals just doesn't sit right with me.

Ahhh, it appears there are more problems in LuLuville as his mass of pig ears has congealed into one solid block and he's going to have to chop them all up again, losing another 15 minutes. Good thing nobody is there to help him with this task, especially when it seems that the grills they are dealing with don't work so well...

...boy oh boy do I wish he was wearing plastic gloves!...

Sorry, but tatted-up people touching my food gives me the willie-jeebies. Papi and Gran are wearing gloves (and Gran's serving soup!) and Bayleafs at least looks clean. The time comes to open the park and let people in and Ludocrous doesn't have a single quesadilla cooked. Bwahahahahaha! Way to go, Mr. You-Have-No-Idea-How-Much-Pressure-We-French-Chefs-Study-Under... so far the only person who has freaked out this entire episode is you, dickcheese!

Oh well, let's see how everybody else is doing. Bayleafs is doing his best to keep all the ingredients of his taco in motion whilst carrying on conversations with the crowd. A couple of random gays show up at his station and one of them catcalls "C'mon Rick... slip me some tongue!" and they giggle...

...ugh, calm down, girls... and close your mouth, he's not really going to kiss you...

SInce when did gay 50's-wear become fashionable? Or is that Top Chef Season 3 "winner" Dung in disguise? Ewie. Oh look, here comes the Gang Of Ugly Critics That Make Kelly Choi Look Like A Supermodel!...

..♪."I feel pretty..♪. oh so pretty..♪."...

Bayleafs is a tad unsettled at the sight of Gramma Gael Greene, he says you never know what's going to tick the old woman off about a dish, "I don't think she's as predictable as some of the other critics." Well, here comes tongue taco nevertheless...

...I swear I heard it make a "pppbbffflblft!" sound at me!...

Bok Choi immediately orgasms upon biting into the taco, while NerdMosexual hisses that it's "brilliant" and "melt-in-your-mouth tender". FugTaser, of course, has to be the ugly wet blanket and says that this is not the kind of food you'd want to have on a date because a lot of those strong flavors are going to stay on your breath afterwards. Cha! Like he goes on dates. Gramma says she'd definitely eat a second one and looks wistfully back over at Bayleaf's station.

Ahhh, el es tan cute, Papi Tom 2.0 is really getting into the whole "street-vendor" thing, he's bantering with the crowd while he's making his tripleta sammiches, and seems to be charming the heck out of everybody...

...and looking more Daddy Tomalicious than evah!...

He's next to serve the Critics...

...I just want you all to know how much torture it is to have to write about and look at beautiful food like this when the only things to eat in this house are lint-covered Tic-Tacs...

I may have to make a run for the Del Taco. NerdMo' complains that he's got too much topping on his tripleta, he's not getting any of the beefheart in his bite. You know, if he'd just unpurse his lips for a minute he'd have better luck (in more ways than one). FugTaser says there are lots of textures and Gramma helpfully lists them: "Spicy, salty, creamy!" and now I'm feeling dirty and abused.

Ahhh, but speaking of dirty and abused, I actually feel a little bit sorry for Le Ludocrous, because he's got a clot of hungry people waiting as he nervously tries to make excuses for why there is no food forthcoming from his station...

...you know you're taking too long when the creepy gay guys have run out of sleazy double-entendres...

Wah wah wah, he says normally when he does events like this he has five chefs working with him (which probably means they do all the work while he stands around, smokes nasty cigarettes and hits on people). The situation doesn't get any better when the judges arrive and there is still no food to be eaten (he's trying to make the quesadillas cook faster by putting pans on top of them as they fry). He immediately gets all defensive, perhaps because he sees an Englishman like FugTaser scowling at the lack of food. He launches into a very involved explanation of his magical cheese-crisp...

...you know you're taking too long when J-Mo has run out of captions...

He's blathering on an on to them saying inane crap like "Koookeeng eez oll abowut takeneeque..." as if they're first-graders on a field trip to Applebee's. Right after he says that he screws up the quesadilla he's cooking. LE FAIL. In an attempt to pass the time, NerdMosexual asks him if he's made quesadillas before, and LuLu says "uhhhhhhhhhhh" way too long before claiming yes, he has. "At home? Or professionally?" asks NerdMo'. "Doan strayss mee!" barks Le Ludocrous, "Ay'm zee chayf here!", which prompts FugTaser to snap right back at him with "We're the customers!" LuLu admits privately that FugTaser scares him a little bit, and I can't say I blame him there...

...you best get this man a quesadilla or he'll tase you, bro...

Ludocrous chalks it up to him being French and FugTaser is English, which is apparently a long-standing feud of some kind a la Montague vs. Capulet. Anyhow, Bok Choi pipes up "This street-food is taking awhile, Ludo!", but it looks like he's finally put forth an unevenly browned quesadilla for them to munch on. He's also shamelessly trying to use his accent to "sharm" Gramma Gael into liking him and ignoring the fact that it took him 90 minutes to cook a lousy cheese crisp.

NerdMosexual likes the texture of the pig's ear, but doesn't know if it really works in relation to all the cheese, "It's kind of like a grilled cheese sandwich with pig's ear in it!" he jokes, and ugh, my stomach just took a slow roll over on it's side and is considering whether or not to reject my dinner. FugTaser, however, says he still finds it a "satisfying mouthful". Gramma Greene is mysteriously silent, and as usual, nobody gives a ripe fuck what Bok Choi thinks.

Last up is Granowlycyn and her peppy happy hangover-healing "Yummy Tummy" menudo. Lucky for her it looks like quite a cold day there and people are enjoying having a warm little bowl of soup to eat...

...*sigh*... I still prefer the other hot'n'spicy Menudo...

Gramma Greene loves the hominy, but FugTaser's surprised that it tastes a little underseasoned. NerdMo' agrees, but says the tripe itself is cooked well and Gramma slurps more of it up saying how tender it is. Sounds like a pretty resounding "meh" to me.

The Critics pass out the Star-Cards and head back to their Table as the Masters clean up. Le Ludocrous really really wants to beat Bayleafs taco with his crappy quesadilla, but I think he's living la vie en rose. He's really itching to get back and get beat down the results. "Less go, less go, less go, geev mee my scoare an tayill me Ay ween!" You know, I'm finding that LuLu's "sharm" is wearing a bit thin on me, and I'd really like him and his accent to just STFU...

...and speaking of other annoying people I'd like to shut the hell up...

Back at the Critic's Table, Ludocrous is asked by NerdMosexual to explain the ingredients he used in the court-bouillon (poaching liquid) he used to cook his pig's ear and he lists "tairneeps, licks, carrotes, ownyuns and cloove... zat's eet!" Ahhh, but NerdMo' was laying for him, because he immediately says he didn't really get any of those subtle beautiful flavors in the pig's ear. Still itching for your scores there, LuLu?

Next, Granowlycyn mentions how nervous she was having to cook tripe on a short timetable, but NerdMosexual assures her it was well-cooked. However, FugTaser jumps in to assert that the broth of the menudo was underseasoned and underflavoured. Gran says she was trying to make "the world's most introductory menudo" so she didn't make it as spicy as she could have. Too late now.

They pretty much fall all over themselves to praise Bayleafs and his tomatillo tongue taco, FugTaser's only complaint being that he needed more acidity, which is insane considering it all but drips from his own tongue.

Last up is Papi Tom 2.0 and his tripleta sammiches. NerdMosexual is curious how the meats are prepared in a normal and traditional tripleta and Papi admits they're not usually as julieandrewsed as he did with the beefheart, but he wanted to be totally certain it would be tender. Plus, blech, big chunks of heart? I don't think so. Gramma Greene loved the spicy mayonnaise, but NerdMo complains that the pita bread wasn't toasted and thinks that doing that would have been "time well spent". Bitch, puh-leeze. If Papi'd had to toast 492 pockets of pita bread it would have taken him twice as long as LuLu to put out any food and everyone would have starved to death (or died from pig's-ear poisoning).

The Masters get sent back to the holding area where there is the usual array of fabulous liquor available (Granowlycyn seems the most pleased out of all of them, so I'm guessing she likes to beat the bottle from time to time). Oh, and here's tonights viewer poll...

...my choice would have been: E. Chilled Monkey Anus...

After the Critics rehash and the Masters are brought back in it's time it's time it's time for Le Ludocrous to get his scores. He had a starting Quickfire score of 3 stars (*cough*bottom*cough*) and the diners gave his faboo cheese crisp 3½ stars. NerdMo' and Gramma give him 3 stars each, while FugTaser gushes and trots out the tired "You made a silk purse out of a sow's ear." analogy and gives him 4 stars, bringing his total to 16½ stars.

Next up is Granowlycyn, who started with 3½ stars and received 3 more from the diners. Gramma gives her 3½ stars, FugTaser gives an even 3, and NerdMosexual goes for the throat as he only gives her 2½ stars! Ouch! This means...

...there's going to be a pretty bitter meeting of GWEG in the near-future...

Awwww, poor Gran needs a hug! Well, she's heading back where the liquor is, a few belts of that will fix her right up. It's time to find out about Bayleafs results. He started out with 4 stars and received 4 from the diners. FugTaser gives him 4½ stars while Gramma and NerdMosexual give him a perfect 5 star score each! *gasp* Could it be? Does this mean? Is it really?...

...BWAHAHAHAHAHA!...

Yup, it looks like LuLu's quesadilla just got pwned by Bayleafs' taco, and I couldn't be happier. I'm waiting for knives and other kitchen implements to come whizzing out at the Critic's Table but so far all is quiet since Le Ludocrous left the room.

Last up is our precious Papi Tom 2.0 who started with the Quickfire high score of 4½ stars, and he received 4 stars from the diners. He also gets 4 stars each from FugTaser and Gramma Greene, with NerdMo' being all hardass again and only giving him a paltry 3 stars... this brings his total to 19½ stars and makes Bayleafs the winner of this round, he gets $10,000.00 for his charity Frontera Farmers Foundation and moves on to the Champions Round!...

...where he can compete against a sweet Frenchman... oh, and SnoozAnne, too...

Le Ludocrous says he wants to come back again, so if there's a Top Chef Masters Season 2 he'll be the first to sign up. I think he'll lose all over again, so I say go for it. Granowlycyn says when she gets home she's going to order some tripe and make some more menudo, and Papi Tom 2.0 is pleasantly surprised that his charity will also get a donation made to it, and says he enjoyed the experience. Bayleafs says he's pretty excited and thinks he's got a good chance at taking home the big prize. We'll find out in a couple of weeks. He better pray they don't choose a Chinese cooking challenge or he'll be screwed.

And there you have it! What did you think of this episode? Is Ludocrous a typical Frenchman, or do you think he was playing to the stereotypes (and the cameras)? Isn't Granowlycyn a total sweetheart? And would you be intrigued by a short film containing Daddy Tom, Papi Tom 2.0, a couple of sticks of butter and an inflatable mattress? Or is it just me? Let's hear your thoughts.

love, J-Mo :)

P.S. For those of you interested in the drag thing, here's how the Miss Gay Arizona Pageant turned out. Our dance crew (The Fly Boyz) backed up not just one, but two queens. Here's us with Contestant #3, Miss Gay Phoenix America... Ebonae Shane...

And here is our talent production of Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine"...

As you can see, there was a hair malfunction that I was partially responsible for that resulted in docked points... however in my own defense I must say that the whole hair-clip-removal thing was literally a last-minute change, and the dance itself went off without a hitch (no music stoppage this time!) and Ebonae went on to win the Solo Talent category and the equivalent of Miss Congeniality, but she did not place overall.

Here we are with Contestant #8, First Alternate to Miss Gay Queen Of The Desert, Candi Coleé...

And here is our talent production of a Missy Elliott megamix...

We were quite proud of Candi, she worked hard on this number, wound up winning the Long Form Talent category, and eventually placed as 2nd Alternate overall. We had a lot of fun, and even though I've gotten fatter than ever, it felt good to perform with both of them...

love, J-Mo :)

This is it! Part two of the joyous reunion between the New Joisey housewives. It's also the longest infommercial evah for a book!

Unfortunately, the Diva's daughter, Lexi, was a little "mortified" by the show. Not because of her relatives' behavior, but because she was going through an "awkward" stage at the time. I guess "awkward" is relative. In my mind, the entire season was an "awkward stage", but here's to hoping that she's learned how to make a bed and no longer needs a nanny. Jacqueline says that Ashley is so incredibly easy going she's fine with anything. If by easy going Jacqueline means a tendency to sulk, snarl, and snap, I can totally believe that. I'm absolutely sure that Ashley sulked, snarled and snapped when she saw her mother's production of the Let's Humiliate Ashley Show, and I don't blamer her a bit. Jacqueline continues blithely that kids at Ashley's age don't care how they're portrayed on TV, as long as they're on TV. Honestly, this description seems so at odds with the image Jacqueline worked so hard to produce of Ashley "the troubled teenager", that I can't help wondering if Ashley has hired a lawyer."

Miss Thang has a question from the Bravo Mobil Fan Club. Everybody catch that little piece of advertising? The question being if the Diva really did spend a million dollars on her wedding to MIA Tommy? The Diva tries for a blush, misses, and says "No. (pause) It wasn't cheap."

After all the helpful comments posted about the Diva's reality TV debut on My Big Fat Wedding, I decided that I had to watch it for myself. If you haven't watched it already, I totally recommend it. The episode gives a whole new take on the Manzo family and an uncomfortable amount of credence to the rumors that Tommy and Dina are actually separated.

I'm guessing that Miss Thang saw the episode as well, because he's pretty quick to ask the Laurita/Manzo sisters how they ended up marrying brothers. Mama relays a sweet fairy tale of Tommy chasing her newly divorced and bereft younger sister that has very little to do with the five year troubled relationship described by the Diva and Tommy before their wedding. In front of Miss Thang the Diva is almost blushing as she explains how weird it was to marry Tommy because she had known him since she was nine. After watching MBFW, I'm thinking that it was weird that she married Tommy after dating him for five years, while he cheated on her.

Miss Thang tactfully mentions the perception that the Diva might possibly be a little bit of a bitch.

Being a smart man, Miss Thang narrowly avoids sending Mama off into a venom spewing tirade by asking the Diva if she considers herself to be a bitch. Absolutely not, the Diva laughs. People just don't understand how stressful her life is. In case the Diva's happy, and possibly tranqued, smile is blurring the memory of some of her finer moments, the producers launch a flashback of condensed bitchiness.

Miss Thang points out that the Diva's storyline this season was about her personal battle to choose between work or becoming a stay at home mom. I for one really appreciate his clarifying that. Up to now, I've been under the mistaken assumption that the Diva's storyline had more to do with a build up for the ultimate female mud-wrestling match between her Nina Van Ho. Apparently, the Diva's "real" storyline was a little unclear to Miss Thang as well because he mentions that he's still not sure what the Diva's actual career is/was. LOL. Way to focus on the important aspects of the housewives' lives. For those of you that are also unclear about how the Diva spends her days, she explains that she plans weddings and other large events at the Brownstone. Or, at least, she did, which I'm sure is a total relief to the people forced to work under or near her.

While we're discussing the different aspects of the Diva's life, why not mention her fug, naked, french fry smelling cat. And, really, I could have done without this last little detail. The Diva happily explains that since her grandmother had big blue eyes, smoked and tanned too much, and, therefore, resembled the cat to an unfortunate extent, they named the poor thing, Grandma Wrinkles. I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the family resemblance to a naked cat, or the Diva's obvious attempts to flirt with Miss Thang.

Miss Thang is inspired to read off a quote from Jill Zarin's blog describing her reaction to the Diva's totally awkward interview with a potential assistant. JZ describes the interview as both "uncomfortable" and "erotic". We get a flashback of the interview showing the Diva offering to pay the young man by other means than cash and describing the job responsibilities as ultimately consisting of making her happy. Pshaw!! The Laurita/Manzo women as a whole are quick to dismiss the idea that there is anything erotic about the interview. After all, the Diva has known the kid since he was nine, and the fact that she thinks of him as a younger brother really make the whole thing that much creepier better. But, outside of whether or not the Diva was pulling a Mrs. Robinson, why the hell was she passing him off as a prospective employee and not a family friend? Is anything legit about this trainwreck? Low-Magnon helpfully asks "Isn't he gay?" Because that would totally make the Diva's behavior completely legit, and besides Low-Magnon and her husband could really use some more instances of their sensitivity to the gay culture. You know, like outing a young man on national television.

Having suffered through several hours of the Diva batting her heavily painted lashes in his direction, Miss Thang wryly suggests that possibly, just possibly, the Diva was trying to "turn" the young man from gay to straight. The Diva ratchets up her output of predatory pheromones and warns Miss Thang that she's "done it before." Fundamentalist groups across the country are probably rushing to their phones in an effort to track down the Diva and introduce her to their wayward sons. Miss Thang looks momentarily interested and drawls out "Really?!?" because you know he's done his own share of "turning", and maybe they could compare notes.

Moving on to another deluded housewife, and, really, with this crowd there isn't any other option, Miss Thang turns toward Nina Van Ho. Ooooh, this is a good one. What about those internet rumors of an affair between her and Don Johnson? Nina blushes, ducks her head, and says with every sign of a pathological liar embarrassment, that, yes, she and Don Johnson had an affair.

Miss Thang points out that Don Johnson released a statement that doesn't seem to corroborate Nina's story. Wow! That was fast. In under a minute the Nina and Don Johnson romance went from an affair to sex to kissing. Another minute and they might have gone to passing each other on the highway.

Miss Thang's not particularly interested in the whole 'kiss a celebrity and tell' angle. It's been done way too many times and Miss Thang could tell a few stories of his own. Leaving Don Johnson behind, Miss Thang comments that Nina has been the centerpiece of a lot of drama during the season, which is a nice way of saying that the producers are going to show a flashback that should make her really uncomfortable, but probably won't because she's a certifiable nutcase.

Miss Thang asks if Nina Van Ho has any regrets, which of course she doesn't, because sociopathic personalities don't have regrets. But just to look a little remorseful, because the viewers seem to like remorse, she does admit that she might have gone a little overboard with discussing the whole phone sex thing so explicitly. Miss Thang asks how Nina explained the phone sex episode to her daughters. But, hey, no problem there. Despite Nina's grand plan for exposing her daughter's to every situation, she somehow omitted to tell them about phone sex, and they have no idea what it is. Even the fifteen year old. Well, maybe not the fifteen year old, but that's okay because if Nina's daughters are going to have any sex at all, she really hopes it's phone sex. Seriously, what could be a safer way to have sex, other than cyber-sex. Yup, that's exactly what I want my kid to be doing; trolling chatrooms to find people willing to run up my phone bill for a Ma Bell chaperoned hookup.

Leaving the question of phone sex behind somewhere alongside the "affair" with Don Johnson, Miss Thang moves on to the topic of blowjobs. Specifically, what did Nina think about Low-Magnon saying that Shvitzy Steve was only with Nina for his daily blowjobs. Nina shrugs indifferently and says dismissively that that was Low-Magnon's uninformed opinion. After all Nina has proof that Shvitzing Steve really had feelings for her, because nothing says true love for an ex like trying to hawk a sex tape after a relationship ends. Low-Magnon is trying hard not to look like a catty beyotch when she diplomatically explains that Shvitzy Steve was telling Nina one thing and telling Low-Magnon something different. But Low-Magnon would never ever have said that about blowjobs, if Nina hadn't pushed her buttons and made her mad. Nina listens to Low-Magnon's babbling, and then superbly offers the coup d'etat in defensive arguments. Clearly Shvitzy Steve wanted more than just blowjobs from her because "he didn't stop by every day."*Head slap*. Did this woman find a few dozen oxycodone in her bra and pop them when no one was looking? And, while we're on the subject of more than normally bizarre behavior, why is she looking increasingly dishevelled.

Miss Thang decides to bring up Low-Magnon's friendship with Nina from the beginning of the season and it's eventual deterioration. Low-Magnon is sounding a little defensive when she explains that Nina was fun at first but then she caused all this drama. If there's one thing that Low-Magnon doesn't like it's drama.

It turns out that Nina Van Ho, victim extraordinaire, was shocked, simply shocked, at the mean nasty things the other women were saying about her on the show. Actually, I have some sympathy with her level of surprise. After all, the Mean Girls did manage to take the art of character assassination to a whole new level. But the thing that surprises me the most is Nina's anger at Jacqueline. Apparently, in Nina's reality, Jacqueline was saying mean things about Nina chasing after other women's husbands, while in my universe it was pretty clear that Jacqueline was trying to dispel those rumors. Nina starts bawling, while Jacqueline looks on with an expression of complete boredom.

I'm guessing that Jacqueline just wants to get this reunion over with so she can get on with the business of squeezing the next generation of this delightful clan out into the world. But, with that much botox, it's doubtful that anyone will ever know what she's really thinking. Miss Thang asks where Nina and Jacqueline's friendship is now, and the woman stare at each other with completely blank faces. Thank God, they aren't deaf. Neither one of them has enough movement to make lip reading possible. Nina is upset over the delusions she calls reality. Jacqueline isn't privy to those particular delusions, so she doesn't know quite what to say about them. On the other hand it would be a shame to underestimate Nina's overriding desperation for acceptance, and sure enough she tearfully denies that the friendship is over.

Having covered the riveting subjects of Low-Magnon's and Jacqueline's dead and/or dying friendships with Nina, Miss Thang is free to move on to more fruitful ground. Chiefly, the history of the Diva and Nina. Of course a flashback is in order. Once again, we get to see the Diva being a cold nasty bitch, while Nina maintains a consistent state of pathological delusion. Seriously, deciding what kind of mental illness best describes Nina is like a new party game. Every scene seems to offer a new and exciting pathological behavior. The flashback ends with Nina threatening that if she hears any more rumored nastiness from the Diva she'll be showing up at her door and she won't be alone. Now that's the kind of statement that is bound to bring tears of joy to a prosecutor's weary eyes. Miss Thang asks Nina what she means, but if he's hoping for a more detailed description of what she's planning, he's doomed to be disappointed. Nina simply shrugs and says that she was very angry, which of course makes the whole thing entirely understandable.

To give her credit, Nina is the only housewife to say that she learned a lot from watching herself and she didn't like the way she looked or sounded, so she's grown from the experience. And by "growth" she doesn't just mean getting nifty hair extensions and hiring a vocal coach to help eradicate that pesky Joisey/Brooklyn accent.

For her part, the Diva is just fine with the way she appeared during the show. She might have been bitchy, catty and xenophobic, but her hair looked great. And, besides, the reunion is finally giving her a chance to get their roles straight: the Diva is the heroine and Nina is the root of all evil. To clarify this important point, the Diva explains that she was hearing things that Nina was saying about her, and since Nina is a toxic personality that thrives on drama the Diva didn't want anything to do with her. But, most importantly, the Diva never, ever harbored any ill intentions toward Nina. All those nasty little remarks that were caught on camera were really just a trick of editing.

Miss Thang reads an excerpt from Mama's blog saying that she found "it troubling to watch Jacqueline's and Danielle's friendship unfold on the screen." But, rather than addressing the Nina/Mama hate, Miss Thang goes for the larger picture of Mama's all-consuming paranoia by asking if she ever lets outsiders into her circle. Mama answers a little indignantly that of course they do, as soon as the outsider submits to a full background check, strip search, and urine test. Miss Thang must have been asked to pee in a cup before joining the Mean Girls for coffee and desert because he utters a somewhat skeptical "yeah" in the background and Mama is not amused. She snaps at him to "stop it" because, if Miss Thang had just given them a little tinkle, they would totally have shared their cannolis with him.

Referring to Nina, Miss Thang wants to know what it is about "this stray" that absolutely caught their antennas. At least, that's what I think he said. I replayed it a couple of times, but it's hard to believe that Nina sat there so calmly when being called a "stray", unless she's riding down the oxycodone highway. The Diva says that all the drama was the initial turnoff to Nina. I've got to say that, after watching MBFW, I'm having a hard time believing this. So, when Jacqueline says "No" I tend to believe her. Of course, the Diva looks like her baby blues are about to jump out of her perfectly coifed head. But Jacqueline ignores this because she's got bigger and badder things threatening to pop than a pair of eyes. She thinks that Mama and the Diva took a dislike to Nina because Nina came on way too strong for them. Mama interrupts them with the observation that she didn't like Nina because it was obvious to her that Nina had launched an all out campaign to destroy the Diva, and watching the show only confirmed that for her. At this point I'm wondering if Bravo is showing these women completely different episodes than I'm seeing.

Of course, all of this is just leading us to another flashback of the whole book slapping, table flipping, bitch raking dinner. OMFG I am so tired of this dinner already, but I still get a chuckle every time I see Nina indignantly snapping that all she really wanted out of the evening was "clearance on this." Like the book and all of the nastiness surrounding it is part of some going-out-of-business, bargain basement sale. Not surprisingly, Miss Thang is well acquainted with the contents of the book and he's just dying to find out how much of it is true. Personally, I'm thinking that it might be a little optimistic on his part to be asking Nina for the truth, but you've got to give him credit for trying. Besides maybe she'll finally get "clearance."

The short version, according to Nina Van Ho, is that she is in fact the woman formerly known as Beverly Merrill. Despite asking her more than once about her alleged practice of "dating" a Colombian drug dealer, Miss Thang isn't going to get any dirt from Nina. She points out that a person would have to be "crazy" to talk about a thing like that, and Miss Thang nods as if to say "So? What's the problem?" Oh goody! Another housewife contribution to literature is in the works. Nina is writing a book and Miss Thang is just going to have to wait to read it for himself. I'm sure he'll get right to it sometime after he finishes wading through Bethenny's Naturally Thin opus and the Countess' tomb on etiquette. But back to the question and answer session. No, Nina was definitely not a paid escort. However, she was and probably still is a raging nymphomaniac. I swear to God this woman is like a walking 12 step meeting. The question of her involvement in the kidnapping charges raises a short spurt of indignation. How could Miss Thang even think that?! Nina was merely an accessory, which is totally different. Just like a stripper and a "burlesque" dancer are totally different. As a burlesque dancer, Nina Van Ho never took off her top or her panties, or wiggled over anybody's lap, she just hung upside down from a pole. Then, since they're all getting so chummy, Nina takes a moment to offer to teach Low-Magnon some pole moves to use in the bedroom. A look of horrified confusion passes over Low-Magnon's face, but it's not clear if she's upset that Nina thinks she's better at pole dancing than Low-Magnon, or that Nina is comparing what she did to Low-Magnon's tasteful, klassy pole dancing.

Miss Thang barely glances up at this exchange because he knows 'hopeless' when he hears it. The Juice is going to be an 'assman' for life and there's nothing any of these woman are going to do to change him. Instead, he wants to know if Nina Van Ho is a pathological liar? Not surprisingly, Nina answers "No!" Because, really, what else is she going to say? If she is a pathological liar she's going to lie and say 'no', and, if she's not a pathological liar, I'd say that there's a pretty good chance that she's going to say 'no' as well. Miss Thang does manage to uncover Nina's love for pot. Apparently, she really, really like smoking pot; almost as much as she now enjoys popping the occasional five or six oxycodone tablets. However, nobody should think that Nina was a run-of-the-mill, anti-social, screw-up. Because Nina wasn't just a coke whore pole-dancing, pothead; she was a victim of abuse. Okay, I draw the line at making fun of abuse. I've worked in enough women's shelters to find absolutely nothing funny about it. If Nina is telling the truth about her past, I'm truly sorry. It sounds horrific. If she's not telling the truth, then shame on her, but I for one am not going there.

Miss Thang seems to be thinking along the same lines because he lets Nina cry herself out and then moves on to ask how it's been for her to have so much talk and speculation about her past. Nina smiles tremulously and tells him that it's been exhausting and she's had to tell a lot to her kids, which prompts simultaneous looks of disgust to flash across the faces of the Laurita/Manzo sisters. On the other hand, Nina is happy to wallow in the public support she receiving. It's totally uncomfortable when she starts rhapsodizing about the love and support she's getting from her adoring public, and how she just wants more love, more warmth, and above all more attention. Miss Thang moves the convo away from Nina's totally uncomfortable revelations, and asks if she has any idea of where her first husband is. But, if he was hoping to bring Nina back to reality, Miss Thang is out of luck. Having entered the land of delusion, Nina hit the ground running and she isn't looking back. She doesn't know where her ex is, but she's hoping someone will tell her, because she's safe now. SAFE I TELL YOU!! Yikes! Nina tells Miss Thang that numerous fans have offered to protect her.

I'm sorry, but hearing Nina describe how her ex is going to have to hide from her multitude of devoted fans is one of the most uncomfortable and saddest things I've been privileged to watch on Bravo. And I watch a lot of Bravo, so that's saying a lot. I also really wish she would stop threatening people. Seriously, telling your ex that "they're going down" while you're being filmed for TV is just a bad idea. Even the Mean Girls look shocked at her recklessness. After all, everybody knows that if you're going to make threats there should be at least a little plausable deniability worked into the wording.

Thankfully, Miss Thang is temporarily done with Nina and he turns to the Diva with some relief. Really, it says it all when a gay man prefers to talk to a predatory, big-bubbied blond, with a self-confessed track record of changing home to hetero, and an alarming tendency to aim her blue eyed look of seduction in his direction. Miss Thang mentions that, on the footage from the dinner, it looked like the Diva was running from Nina as if she was scared. The Diva gives a weak laugh and denies being scared of Nina, which has got to be a lie. I mean, come on, total insanity is a scary thing. But the Diva insists that she was running back and forth between Low-Magnon and Mama just to give them emotional support. Didn't Miss Thang see the Diva "petting" Low-Magnon when she was upset. Because dogs, cats, and cavepeople find it very calming to be pet in times of stress.

It turns out that Mama just got around to watching the finale. Personally, I think Miss Thang should be grateful that she bothered to watch it at all. After all, that's the danger of media overexposure; the public gets bored and moves on. However, now that she's watched it, Mama Manzo is a tad bit PO'd. The Laurita/Manzo women's dinner party manners were definitely lacking during that episode and Mama's mother isn't going to be happy. On a side note, I'm totally loving the idea that somewhere out there, there's a Laurita matriarch that's the boss of Mama Manzo. With the venom of a teenager determined to deny the obvious and turn the blame back on to the kid everybody hates, Mama Manzo hisses that they did not investigate Nina and they did not go to Franklin Lakes and hold up the book crying "Hear ye! Hear ye!" So, Nina better not try to make Mama Manzo into the villain, or Mama's going to kick her ever-lovin ass back to Brooklyn.

Miss Thang grins reminiscently and comments that it was a wild dinner to watch, with Jacqueline turning on her sisters to stand up for a friend. Of course that was then, and this is now, and the Manzo/Laurita women have had time to coordinate their stories. It turns out that it was just one big misunderstanding. Isn't that a hoot? In the most convoluted explanation ever, the "ladies" explain that the Diva isn't a liar. Instead Jacqueline just needs a hearing aid. Somehow, she totally missed what was being shrieked a mere four feet from where she was sitting. But, now, it's all water under the bridge and they're just one big happy family.

Miss Thang asks Nina how the drive home was after the dinner. Nina explains that she had to be driven home because she had a slight nervous breakdown. Seriously, somebody needs to start a trust fund to pay for her daughter's future therapy bills. Nina describes cuddling up with her girls, turning up the TV and waiting for the whole thing to pass like it was a storm. I'm guessing she broke out the old peace pipe as well. But, hey, hopefully she's back at those pot smokers/sex addicts/pathological liars anonymous meetings. I bet if she really looked at herself she could find a different, yet equally helpful, 12-step meeting for each night of the week.

Miss Thang turns back to Mama and reminds her that she claimed to be the one who showed the book to her sisters. The Laurita/Manzo women launch into a joint recital of the events, but there are still a few signs that it isn't all joy and harmony in the family ranks. Jacqueline is still disputing a few of the "facts", while the Diva tries to shush her, and Mama tries to talk over her. Nina seems to be suffering from the misconception that the Laurita/Manzo women decided not to like her after they read the book. So it comes as a bit of a shock for her to hear that they disliked her before they ever even knew about the book. Or maybe she's just surprised by how completely comfortable Mama is with explaining matter-of-factly that she disliked Nina prior to the book, and the book only caused her to lose any faith or trust that she might have had in Nina. What's more, in Mama's twisted mind, the book totally justified calling the family together for a conference, without consulting Nina, and sharing information from the book with any of their mutual friends. Oh, and BTW, did Mama mention how hard it's been for the Manzo/Laurita family to have all those old rumors circulating about her father-in-law's death being mob related, especially for the Manzo/Laurita children?

The Diva points out that in her opinion, if the proverbial shoe had been on the other foot, Nina would have been a lot nastier with the book. You know, I have to respectfully (ha!) disagree with the Diva on this one. First of all, I'm not sure what could have been worse than revealing it on a TV show, and second, there are enough "stories" about the Juice and the Manzo's circulating on the internet that, if Nina had an inclination to publicly humiliate them, she could have had a field day.

The whole question of whether it was the Diva who brought the book to the salon or whether it was Mama Manzo who actually did the deed once again surfaces. For some reason this question is given a ridonk amount of importance. Who cares which one did it? Mama's confessed, so let her take the blame. Neither one of them are innocent in this act. But Mama zeroes in on Nina's insistence that she has proof that the Diva was the great revealer. Unfortunately, Nina's proof turns out to be word-of-mouth. I guess it really shouldn't surprise me that Mama Manzo appears to be well versed in courtroom vernacular, when she points out that Nina's word-of-mouth evidence isn't "proof"; it's "hearsay".

Those 12-step meetings must be working, because Nina is ready to show off all sorts of spiritual growth. She explains that she's since learned her word-of-mouth evidence was in fact lies, and what she should have done was to go to the Diva and ask her about the rumors. AND THEN SHE APOLOGIZES! Way to totally steal Mama Manzo's thunder. Seriously, what else can she say now that Nina's apologized. Unfortunately, it turns out that Mama Manzo can still scream, yell and berate quite a lot, but we'll get to that in a minute.

The Diva, happy to finally be cast in the role of the gracious popular girl, accepts Nina's apology, leaving Mama to sputter in the background. Miss Thang must be feeling a little robbed of a good knockdown dragout, because he presses the Diva to predict if she and Nina will ever be good friends. With all the grace of a born liar, the Diva serenely answers, "if what she said is true then, yeah."

Jacqueline makes an attempt to support Nina, starting with "I get what she's saying...", but Mama Manzo can no longer restrain herself and interrupts with a snarl to say that the Diva is a better person than Mama. Call me cynical, but I can't help thinking that the Manzo/Laurita woman came on the housewife franchise with a plan to showcase the Diva as the star, so this whole drama with Nina must have been pretty frustrating. However, being resourceful women they've developed a plan B to put the Diva firmly on the prom queen throne. Just to prove how gracious and forgiving the Diva really is, Mama is going to throw out a tidal wave of insinuations about Nina that will make her sound so mean, nasty and evil that only a person as angelic as the Diva could overlook them. Of course, the fact that it's all insinuation without any actual accusations doesn't matter with this crowd. What matters is the intensity and drama with which the insinuations are made.

Mama spits out that "too much has gone down" for her to ever forgive Nina, giving the Diva the opportunity to smile gently and coo that the "stuff" Mama is referencing was done in Nina's old frame of mind, but they're trying to move forward so all should be forgiven.

I bet anything that if the Diva manages to hold on to this new improved image for another season, she'll negotiate a contract to write a new-age self-help book.

Mama is off and running now, spitting and spewing venom and vengeance like a pro. Not that she cares what anybody thinks, but she's worried that "this country" is going to think that she's a hardass who won't forgive. I'm thinking that the portion of "this country" who actually watches this show is more likely to think that she's either a lunatic, or a total cheeseball, over-the-top, frustrated actor.

Even Andy looks impressed by the utter gloriousness of this completely ridonk diatribe. Nina Van Ho is looking a little stunned (or completely sedated), as well she might, because, in one master move, the Laurita/Manzo women have managed to pull the victim card right out from under her.

With that, Miss Thang confesses that it's time to wrap things up, and, while the five women are in a "really interesting and precarious place" it might be a good idea for each of them to enter into some intensive psychoanalysis before the next season starts.

Well, Gasmi, that's it for this season! I've officially used up my quota of exclamation points and the housewife franchise is being temporarily replaced with NYC Prep. Woohoo!! And our awesome recapper TVannie!! You guys have been the best readers. EVAH!! I'm going on vacay, but I'll see you all on the boards.

Hugs XOXOXO,

Yenta

What I want to know is, why the hell does this woman insist on showing her crooked clunky bow legged ass knot kneed legs?

Bottom line, thanks to you America, we are down to LaBamba, John, and Torrie. You people sent my Sanjungleboy home. Right now America you may picture my chubby naked ass pointing in your general direction. And that's all I will say about that. Oh yeah and imagine a fart noise at the same time. Bad America! Boo!

However being the fickle bitch that I am I still have LaBamba too root for. Oh crap here we go. Lets take a look back shall we? Aww we see scenes of mountains and foliage and nature and all that shit that can kill you in a heartbeat. Unless of course you are Bear Grylls, then you can just drink your own urine and eat bark while on camera and then have a nice tasty dinner at HoJo's. Sick bastard.

Ok more blah blah blah from the announcer douche. 24 days ago they were PLUNGED! PLUNGED I say into the jungle. And the drama was instantaneous. Much like my boredom with this shit is right now. We get, or rather I get to relive Heidious' greasy slobbery meltdown over some one removing the labels from her dry shampoo. Super Douche and his bazillion "Spence outs." They came back. They left, hopefully they fell off a cliff. There were fights, crying, laughing. We found out Janice is a thieving lying bulimic crackhead who loves to shove as much shit in her mouth as possible.

The trials the tribulations. Yes for the love of jungle juice we know. We saw already. Men v/s women. Men rule. Women suck. Wah wah wah. Then one by one America used their vote of death until we are now down to these three.

Oh dear sweet jesus now they want to go BACK and show us how they made it to the finals. WE ALREADY KNOW! Sorry folks, I'm skipping that shit. America killed my Sanjungleboy and then LaBamba sort of made out with him and then they sent Peppermint Patti back to her criminal ass hubby. Good riddance. Bite me.

When they realize they're down to three, John cries for Peppermint Patti, Torrie does a dorky boobie dance and LaBamba gives a speech about being the strongest and proud of the three of them and even though it's self serving and a little over the top seeing as how they are on a set in a safe-ish area of the jungle, I still love him so there!

Oh hell they're baaaaaaaack! After the commercial break the whole cast of well, out casts, has been reassembled. Along with Hemm and Roid to explain everything to us so we won't get confused. For some reason Frick and Frack couldn't make the trip. Probably because they have sense!

The rest however are healthy and happy and Super Douche and Heidious are demon free. They flashback to the many ignorant ass Super Douche moments. His excuse, "You just don't know how you are going to react in a jungle with amazing celebrities." Excuse me? I thought they de-valued your fame asshole? Lamien calls him on it and Super Douche blames Satan or constipation or whatever and kisses everyone's ass. They ask Baby Bloaty what he thinks about all that and he mumbles a bunch of horse shit but what he really means...

Next Kiss and Ass focus on Janice. They flashback to her "bumps in the road". But first they tell her how gorgeous she is. The one shot I don't see is when Janice pisses all over her own feet, doesn't even wipe, and then crawls back into bed. I bet that cot smelled like a dead skunk in the morning.

Then Freak and Geek ask Big Bloaty what he thought of the whole Janice thing. He says "I'm thinking JFK."

Lamien pretends he understands and finally they head back to the final 3. And the Jungle Spa. For the final food trial, they will be playing for their favorite food. There are 6 stations and they will visit 2 each. One by one they will enter whatever disgusting contraption that some sick bastard at NBC came up with and retrieve 2 stars from each place. First is the Scare Wash and it's for Torrie.

Torrie manages to fight through the awful bugs and crap and gets her 2 stars. Up next is John and he has to endure a Frightening Facial. I endured one of those in high school. When a dude tells you to close your eyes because he has a big surprise....run.

Anyhoodle, John has to stick his face in a box of whats called "vomit fruit." Strangely enough that's exactly what I did on that dudes fruit after the "big surprise."

John gets both his stars. LaBamba is up next with a "Menacing Manicure." He has to stick his hands in a couple of boxes. One with frogs, one with spiders. He does both and gets his stars.

Time for round three. Torrie has to get into a hot tub with the smallest crocs I've ever seen. She does it with no problem and then does something that turns the guys on and I totally do not get it.

Then John has to sit in a clear box with a bunch of snakes and get his two stars. Simple. Ok. Spiders scare him but snakes are ok?

LaBamba now has to go through a "Spray Tan." He says he'll be tanning like Paris Hilton and be just as dizzy." LOL. He gets sprayed with goo and then has worms dumped on him but he gets his stars.

Afterwards he runs towards the 2 useless hosts to give them a hug but doesn't follow through. I would've slimed the hell out of both of them.

More useless chatter. This is the most amazing experience since the McRibb. There were good days and bad but they never gave up. Yay. They've all learned things. Like supermodels are some of the nastiest, germiest, most vile creatures alive. Sometimes skinny little boys who look gay may not be. Oh yeah and everyone poops. Everyone loves everyone. They will be BFF's forever and ever and ever. Blah blah blah. I appreciate you, you make me a better man, you complete me, nobody puts Baby in a corner...what? Anyway they have mad love for each other so lets see who the hell wins now ok?

Back from yet another break. Now The Final three are sitting on a log and the out casts are off to the side and they are making small talk. Very very very small talk. How do you guys feel? What's it like on the outside? Does that Janice smell ever go away?

One by one they are asked stupid questions . Big Bloaty talks about wanting to catch a fish. They as Homely Holly & Heidious if the would've liked to have been in there together like the Bloated ones. What I want to know is what the hell kind of make up does Holly use?

They ask Peppermint Patti what the real world is like.

More filler. Sanjungleboy won 9 out of the 12 trials. Then they show a montage of men against woman and how badly the women sucked. Out of 13 trials the men won 10 of them. Oh goody now we get to see the "gourmet food" the final three got to eat last night.

Torrie got a veggie pizza...yuck. John got a tofu burger..that's just un American. And LaBamba got a real freakin meal with fried chicken and mashed potatoes!

They go around the table and yap about how important winning is to each of them. LaBamba says it's for his kids. Torrie said its to show big tittied woman all over the place that they can still be strong, even with the back pain and scars from wearing the wrong bra for years. John wants to win because, well just because.

More flashbacking of the three from each outcast. Peppermint Patti wants some of that jungle dong so she doesn't care whether John wins or not, she's gonna hit that thang. Holly agrees. So does Big Bloaty. I think Big Bloaty would like a little LaBamba tail himself. Get in line and don't be stingy. Now Big Bloaty thinks maybe Torrie could win. Hey Big Bloaty pick a hole already! Now he picks John. And Holly changes over to Papa Lou. Some others said other shit but I don't care anymore. Let's get to who gets sent home. Oh Jesus kill me now. Super Douche & Heidious have just announced that they think Super Douche will win.

Ren & Stimpy FINALLY decide they are going to lets us know which of the Three Stooges didn't make the cut. But first they have to stall, stall and say a bunch of sappy shit. Blah blah blah 24 grueling days blah blah horrendous ordeals blah blah you all are winners blah blah except you John Salley. America has just given you the wet smeary fart of death vote.

Awww sadness all around. Boo hoo. You are still a winner, just not here lol. Of course we then have to take a trip down John's jungle journey. Type that really fast when you are drunk. Ahh, the good times, the bad times, that time he tapped Peppermint Patti behind Vomit Fruit Tree. Memories.

Another stalling tactic commercial break and we get to see who wins. No? More testimonials from the cast about each other. Love, hugs, connected forever and ever and ever. I'll never forget you. I'll love you and your honesty and strength and humor and PUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This show has made me evil. Oh no! Maybe the demons that were after Heidious and Super Douche have gotten me! Or maybe I'm just a bitch.

Binge and Purge are actually saying that it all ends now. Which we all know means more stalling and filler. It's down to Torrie and LaBamba. Who will win? The sexy, strong, virile man who will be my next husband or Big Tata'd Torrie?

Puss and Boots tells us yet again all the shit we've heard a thousand times. But seriously, they are about to announce who is King or Queen of The Jungle.

And the winner is.........LaBamba! Janice is so excited that she hit the demerol drip button way too hard and had a seizure right on the bench!

And there you have it Gasmi devotees. LaBamba is indeed King of the Jungle!

Thanks to all you readers who stuck it out with this "special" show lol. And an absolutely huge ass loving hug and thanks to Medusa and L. Boogie for joining me in recapping this nightmare show.

Love and smooches to all,
Cherie

The anemone print used to be very popular for couches and seat cushions 

We seem to be in a cabaret or juke joint of some sort. There's a lot of touching going on along with a heavy dose of seductive head rolls. And then the music kicks it up, and so do the dancers. The girls are hitting it hard, obviously Dmitry has had a heavy hand in this first part - it feels very ballroom to me. In a good way.

So the ballroomish part goes on for a while, and I am really loving this. And then. Water. All of a sudden some of the girls are soaked in water and dancing on the tables. Very Flashdance-esque. 

I'm not sure how the whole water thing happened, but it looked so cool. I think Jeannine and Janette were the only ones that were wet. Oh wait! I see someone else. How'd I miss you?

From there the boys go into more of a hip hop style section, and they kill it too.

They end this number with more of the ballroom feel, and a lot of partnering work. I don't think I can say enough how much I loved this number! What a great way to start the night! And then! Cat enters, popping up from one of the tables. Love it!

Cat goes through her normal spiel and re-introduces us to the judges, but before we move on to the show proper, Nigel has a couple of things he'd like to say. He wants to talk briefly about Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Obviously by now you all know they died. 

Nigel starts out talking about Ed McMahon, the voice of the Johnny Carson show and promoter of talent via Star Search. I gotta tell you, Gasmi, I loved Star Search as a kid. I watched religiously, loved the dance category the most, but really? I loved all of it, even the stupid spokesmodel category. I always wished they would bring it back, but when they did, it totally sucked. Arsenio Hall is no Ed, and the judges on the new one sucked hairy monkey balls. 

Nigel moves on to talk about Farrah Fawcett. He got to meet her this past Christmas where Farrah tried to teach him how to make a pecan pie. He talks about her humor and strength, and how she fought to live.

And then, Michael Jackson. Nigel thinks we will not see his like again, he was a global superstar. He changed the face of music and dance in the world. Nigel talks about how the "Black and White" video was almost inspiration for this show, taking different genres of dance (Indian, Native American, African, and Russian) and bringing them all together in that one video. Nigel also talks about how so many people started dancing because of Michael Jackson. 

I'm not going to add a lot here. He was a sad troubled soul, his life was strange and bizarre and rife with scandal. No matter what you think of Michael as a person, there is no denying what he brought to the world of music and dance. J-Mo sent me a link to a blog entry that was written about Michael, that I'd like to share with you here.  Thanks again, J-Mo!

Nigel finally wraps it up saying that they're going to show the "Thriller" video. Oh, I love that video! I remember what a big deal it was when it came out and I was right there with everyone else, sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting to see. But Nigel's a liar. They don't show the video. They show a clip from the video; the same clip we've all seen a thousand times in the few hours after his death was announced. Phooey.

Okay, enough of this. Now that Nigel has talked and talked and talked for ten minutes we have to rush through some stuff to make up the time. Let's get right to it, shall we? First five couples on the stage. They are Vitolio/Asuka, Brandon/Janette, Evan/Randi, Phillip/Jeanine, and Melissa/Ade.

I immediately think I may have been wrong about Phillip's fans keeping him safe this week. I mean, there will be two couple from this group in the bottom, right? Sorry. I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Let's start with Asuka and Vitolio. Last night they danced a Mandy Moore jazz piece that Nigel thought was really good, but I think that was just his boner talking. Again. They are in the bottom.

Brandon and Janette killed the Dave Scott hip hop number; they're not going anywhere. Safe. Randi and Evan performed a cheeky Mia Michaels routine and Cat tells them, "The butt made the cut." Another safe couple.

Moving right along to Phillip and Jeanine. They had Broadway with Tyce and Phillip struggled a bit, but Jeanine was fantastic. Did Phillip's fans rally round him once more? Yep. They are also safe. Does this mean Melissa and Ade are in the bottom? I will fuck someone up if that happens!! Oh, never mind, no need for me to kick anyone's ass, they're safe too. Whew! 

So that means that two of the three remaining couples will be in the bottom three. This group includes Jonathan/Karla, Jason/Caitlin, and Kupono/Kayla.

OBVIOUSLY Jonathan and Karla are in the bottom. What they did to that hip hop routine was criminal. Get it? Criminal?? Oh, I crack myself up sometimes. But who will join them? It's gonna be Jason and Caitlin. I love it when I get the call right. Now they just need to send home the two that are drowning. But first! The solos.

Actually, before the solos we have our weekly performance from the world of dance. Cat is just dying over how cute they are, and the audience is awwwing before we even get to see who it is. 

I'm awwwwing over how cute Cat is. 

Cat says they've always have great b-boys on this show using Dominic, Hok and Ryan as examples. She says maybe some of these guys will be on the show in a few years. They are the Rage Boys Crew. 

They're pretty darn good. The little one reminds me of the little guy in the movie Honey. Yes, I watch that movie, but only for the dancing. I swear! I love the part where they launch him into the air and one of the older kids catches him.

Solo time. First up is Asuka. She sexes it up as much as possible, hoping that Nigel will have a huge boner and vote to keep her.

I get that it's hard to do a solo when ballroom is your specialty, but other people in the same boat have done really good solos. Let's move on to Vitolio.

He opens with the same leap he did the last time, but throws some other stuff in there as well. He may have been in trouble if he was up against stronger dancers, but I think we all know there's going to be someone weaker than him tonight.

Time for Karla. I'm not really all that impressed by her. She has a couple of good moves in there, but she hops coming out of some of her pirouettes, and just seems sort of sloppy in general. She also does the standing split move AGAIN. Find another move Karla. She could be in trouble if Mary fights hard enough (or Nigel is hard enough) for the ballroom girl to stay.

Jonathan's next, and it is not good. You know, he seems like a sweetheart, a real nice kid, but he is so out of his depth in this competition. It's pretty close to the inclusion of Tony for me. He's not quite as bad as that, but I think they should have told him to come back after he had a couple more years under his belt. It might have made a world of difference

Time for Caitlin. You know, it's a funny thing about Caitlin. Both last week and this week I really thought she was too vanilla in her dances with Jason. The Bollywood number didn't do it for me, but that was because they were out of sync during almost the entire thing. But this girl can dance when it comes to her solos. 

I love the way she choreographs herself. She has such a great style of movement and musicality, and even though she's still throwing acro in there, it's not as much as it was, so I can deal with it. There is no way in hell Nigel is sending this girl home. I just wish she could bring this out when she dances with Jason.

Speaking of Jason, it's time for his solo. 

There's no denying that this kid can dance, but this solo had the same feel for me that Kayla's did last week. Way too much going on as far as tricks, not enough dance in it. Does that make sense? It felt so rushed; as if he was trying to throw everything in there, but there was no connection from step to step and beat to beat. I don't think he's going to go anywhere; he's too good for them to let him go right now, but he may want to ease up a little.

So. Before the show "treats" us to the musical performance of the night, I thought I'd go back through my video archives and share another great performance with you all. This time it's a solo. By Danny. We had so much talk last week about how great he was in his season, that I was inspired to go back and rewatch some more of his dances. This solo is from the Top 6 show. Enjoy.

Okay. Now I may be able to stomach the musical guest they have planned for us. This week, it's The Veronicas. Ummmm, I have a question. Is it really that hard to clap with the beat of the song? The audience is clapping like a million miles a minute and the song pace starts slow. Are they deaf? 

Edgy by FOX 

Well at least there's no doubt they're doing their owning singing this week; you can barely hear the one, while the other is really loud. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. I still don't understand why we can't have more dance performances every week instead of this stuff. And YES, I probably will mention it each week, so get over it. Because I refuse to.

Alright, we've barely anytime left, and two people's hopes and dreams to squash. Let's get to it, shall we? Ladies first.

Nigel tells us they are unanimous in their decision. Caitlin, please step forward. Nigel says they can all see she is growing in confidence each week. They also thought she gave the best solo tonight, and I do agree with that. He tells her she's safe, she can leave the stage, and she steps back in line. Dope. Cat tells her to get off the stage before they change their minds. Oh silly Cat, you can be a dope and still be a great dancer. 

So Asuka and Karla are left. I really want Asuka to go home, but honestly, I wouldn't really care if Karla did. Karla step forward. The judges felt like she was a little desperate tonight. He calls her out for falling out of her pirouettes, and says she never really found her center. She wasn't as strong as she can be. Step back.

Asuka, please step forward. Nigel says she is such an exciting performer. (ewwwww) She's beautiful, and she gives a little bit of herself with everything that she does. Like which bits, Nigel? Does she leave behind toe nail clippings or something? They feel as if she is not growing enough in the competition. Buh-bye.

We do the farewell montage, and then Cat asks her what she will remember most about being on the show. "Working with Vitolio." She gets a little choked up as she's saying it, and it's funny because I think that this is probably the only time I really liked her at all, and it's when she's headed out the door. I do love Cat in these moments though, she's so sweet and comforting to these guys.

Time for the guys. The judges are NOT unanimous in their decision this time.  Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that. We're starting with Vitolio. Nigel says he always shows a great deal of promise but then he doesn't always deliver. He takes these huge preparations, and you think he's going to do a double tour or a grand jete but he delivers a single tour and just a jete.

Nigel tells him he can't hold back in this competition, especially since he's been landing in the bottom week after week. Uh, it's only three weeks into the performances Nigel. Don't you think you're being a little dramatic? Vitolio is warned to bring it, and sent back to the line.

Jonathan, step forward. They continually also find Jonathan in this bottom three. Nigel acknowledges that he had a wonderful week last week, but last night really was not good. No kidding. The solo tonight....the gymnastics were fantastic, but this is a dance competition, not a tumbling one. Step back.

Your turn Jason. They loved his solo last week. Not so much this week. Nigel says it was full of desperation. To the point that he didn't even really dance. Nigel wants him to be fully aware that when you dance for your life in this competition, that is what you are doing.

♫♪ Drama Queen! ♪♫ 

"That was not strong enough to get you through.......had you been against better boys." Having received his light spanking, Jason is told he's safe and that he can leave the stage. 

That leaves us with Vitolio and Jonathan. Nigel says neither one of them are strong enough at this time. Whoever they've decided to keep really needs to bring it. And the person they've decided to keep for one more week, and it WILL be one more week if they don't bring it next week is Vitolio. So Jonathan is getting the axe. Good decision judges.

We see Jonathan's good-bye montage, but Cat doesn't bother to ask him what he will remember most. That doesn't really seem fair. Ah well, such is life, I guess.

So what did you all think? I'm happy with the judges' decision. The right people went home. I really really hope we seem some super strong performances next week. I hope they're working their little butts off preparing for the show. As usual, I'm excited to see what next week's show will bring.

In the meantime, I'm just gonna curl up on my couch, get a bowl of popcorn, and watch a movie. With a friend.

It could happen! 

See ya next week!

SWAK, PottyMouth

Rosetta Boner Language Tapes

Reco tells us that he doethn't trusth Kenley. That's a shame, cuz I'm sure she was planning on leaving you all of her riches and custody of her future daughter, like Barbara Hershey in Beaches. Tax Haven is confident today, cuz now she's had a couple of wins. She takes some alone time to do her her Artist's Way morning pages and focus her mushy mind.

shoulder pads shoulder pads shoulder pads shoulder pads shoulder pads jelly beans shoulder pads

In the living room, Merlin sits singing that sad song about wanting parents from Annie. He's still wearing his cat suit, boots, and dodo hawk from yesterday. Cheer up, kid! Someone will claim you!

Maybe far awaaaays!
Or maybe real near byyyyys!
Cheese makeen coffee or someting and hees makeen tiiiiie!

The designers get to the workroom and are met by Not Beyonce in a dress that looks like it was biologically attacked and Eyesack, who's in grey again. I want to get to the bottom of his grey obsession, but that would require actually caring. Which I don't. GREYYYYY. Laura Brown comes rushing in like she's just stopping here for a sec before she runs off and performs heart surgery. Thanks for making time in your day, Lo!

Thank God you're here! Stat!

Eyesack tells the designers that history is very, very important in fashion. Why, the Alamo is still inspiring Merlin's clothes to this very day. Why does Eyesack's hair look like it's on the cover of Jet Magazine?

Okaaay?

Eyesack verbally slaps the contestants as he emphatically names off some historical designers. Halston. Chanel. Christian Diooor, Madame Grés. Emilio Pucci. Gianni VersAce, and Yves Saint Laureeeent. Hey! You left out Hanes! Most of the designers look confused. Especially Haven. James Pole is all smiles though, like someone just announced there would be free dentistry today.

Hand me that hammer. You won't feel a thing.

They will be playing a quiz show about the historical designers, and Eyesack will stop ripping off Tim Gunn for five minutes and try to channel Howie Mandell. I hope this means he's gonna shave his head, cuz it looks like he's coming down with mange. Reco skerd. He didn't go to no school! He just "does me". You don't need history when you dress strippers and whores. You just need penicillin and basic self defense classes.

He seems willing enough to earn it. That's our little hard worker!

Ana the Yarn Lady is a teacher, and she prides herself on knowing fashion history. Not following it, mind you, but knowing it. Unless a What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? dress is historical. Wait, in a way that dress was historical, so never mind. Yarn gets the first question about who invented "the little black dress" correct. No, it's not Betty Boop, but that's totally what I thought too you guys. It was Chanel, who said "dress a lady like a chambermaid and a chambermaid like a lady." That explains why rich people go to such great lengths to look like trash and poor people keep the knockoff Chanel purse in business. Thanks, Chanel!

Eyesack calls on Merlin, but he says his name all pouty and sad like. At first he sounds kinda rude and condescending, but maybe he's truly being sensitive today. Merlin is morbidly depressed. At least that's what I'm guessing. I mean come on. He's dressed like...a dude.

Someone needs a tiny little hug. And a spot in the chorus line.

While we're staring at contestants, Mexican Jay is in preppy clothes. And is that Dove Cucumber soap I smell? Why, you devil! James Pole is about to whip out a flag and do some leaps like he's in gay Newsies. Is that an oxymoron? And has Kenley gained ten pounds? Maybe Yarn got her preggers. Ok back to the show.

Merlin takes a stab in the dark and gets the Yves Saint Laurent quote right and prounounces Laurent Laur ant. LOL. They just told you how to say it! Focus! Haven gets her question wrong, but in her defense the answer was "Prince of Prints", and that just might have been hard for her to say. She tells us she would have answered correctly if they asked her about Gucci. Or curlers. Or LOL cats.

Reco doesn't know what celebrity Halston designed for, which really disappoints Laura Brown. Liza, foo! He says where he comes from no one knows who Halston is. Dude, Farrah, Cher, and Liza were your choices. Those you should know. It's in your DNA. Unless you aren't really born with it, which doesn't explain his speech impediment. I am getting confused. Focus. Liza.

What's up, Adam Lambert? Can't wait for the album! Are you dating older? Giiiirl!

MexiJay gets his question wrong, and so does James Pole! And it was about another gay icon. He thought Versace dressed Madonna on her 1992 tour, but the answer is Elton John. And James Pole is like totally historical, you guys. Hack! Merlin is doing well and he knows it. His dodo hawk appears. That's like his version of a boner.

Ping!

Kenley gets her question wrong. Wow. Only Yarn and Merlin are left standing. The rest were out after one question! LOL this cast sucks ass. Yarn gets her question right and Merlin guesses Yves Saint Laur Ant again but this time his wacky pronunciation gets him nowhere. Yarn wins! I hope she gets a sweater. Why was Laura Brown even here for this challenge? All she did was make shitty faces and read two answers off the cards in Eyesack's hand. I suppose she's just here to give the brand a face, but frankly, Haaaaarper's Bizaaaah was much more fascinating before I correlated it with the sixty year old Dakota Fanning. Now that mag disturbs me.

To find out what HUUUUGE advantage she's won, Yarn goes with the rest of the designers to the stage. Eyesack tells them that the mini-challenge was proof that the historical icons can't be forgotten. Actually I think it proved that they mostly are forgotten, considering there were only four questions answered correctly and three of them by a fashion teacher. Sorry, fashion history! If it helps, none of these bozos know real history, either.

Since this cast's talent doesn't lie in design or creativity, the challenge will be to knock off a historical designer's dress. Next week they will be cutting paper dolls. Gorgeous dresses are lined up, and most of the designers look thrilled. Haven just looks lost.

The GAP donated nothing. NOTHING!

Instead of just doing a knock off, they will have to infuse their own personality into their work. I predict a lot of ignorant, tacky, open wound clothes. Yarn takes Chanel for herself and assigns Yves to Haven, Dior to Kenley, Versace to MexiJay, and Mad Gres to Merlin. Merlin's pissed cuz he doesn't know who she is and he's convinced that it's Yarn's "strayjeddy" to fuck him over. In Yarn's defense, Fredrick's of Hollywood wasn't an option.

James Pole is pissed too, cuz the Gres dress on display is a big draped rectangle, and he was sure he could turn it into a bed in a bag. No such luck! "Little dat Ana knows", he loves Pucci too, though, and that's who he gets. Reco is left with Halston. Yarn gave him that one cuz he can't rely on his fitted corseted ho clothes. Reco, having no idea who Halston even is, is pissed cuz Yarn took care of her friends first. Yeah, that's called not being a dick to people and then they're nice to you. Golden rule, Reco on Film! Reco on Halston: "I can work wid it." LOL.

He says that Yarn is "juss tryin' ta trow some sald in da pimp's game, but it's gonna fect her in de end." Wow. Can one single fucking person on this show form a sentence? Throw some salt in the pimp's game? Is the pimp even wounded? At the fabric store, Merlin gets Reco and James Pole riled up about the girl clique trying to fuck them over. Day tink day deleecious, bud da boys ah oreegionals! Whatever, Merl. You have to copy a fucking dress. I would say man up, but that's unreasonable. Maybe just be quiet?

Back in the workroom, Reco says that the other designers assume he's gonna lose cuz he don't know nothin' bout Holestun, but he's sure gonna show them! Here's the dress Reco was given to knock off:

Pillowcase with a robe belt. Go!

Here's what he's making:

A corset! LOL. Poor Reco is dumb as a box of chocolates. If they were given designers without seeing their work, this would be ignorant but excusable. But having the f ing dress to copy and still making a corset is just...why am I still typing?

Yarn has Chanel, and she's sketching the same outfit she was shown, but looser and in different fabric. She says that the pleating detail is all her, cuz Chanel wasn't known for that. Cut to the pleated skirt. OY.

Why didn't Coco think of that. Wait. SHE DID. But it's not DEEETAAIIILED!

Haven's gonna make an Ellen Degeneres suit, and Merl is still complaining that he doesn't know anything about Madame Gres, even though he was JUST SHOWN THE DRESS TO COPY. What is wrong with these people? The next day, Merlin is in the same hair. I imagine he has a shower cap in the shape of a dodo hawk. He tells Haven that Madame Gres came to him in his dreams and "I cane steel smelly her perfume." HAHAH. She told him "done fuck up, beech!" That Mad Gres was one stone cold pimp. He's making a geometrical pleated top, even as he looks at the inspiration picture, which is a big draped formless dress.

Kenley asks Haven's opinion about making pants for her Dior tribute. First off, after last week's pants debacle why would you do that again? They called you the worst of the night! Second, why are you asking Haven anything? Haven doesn't know anything. And third, if you are gonna ask Haven, why just ignore her? I think I answered that one myself. Haven says that she doesn't think of pants when she thinks of Dior, but Kenley gets defensive and says she's gonna do it anyway. Then she doesn't leave. Kenley needs to put a baseball in her mouth for the rest of the hour so I can stop cursing under my breath.

The models come in for fittings, and Kenley is still asking Haven about the pants. Haven still says no. Kenley still pouts. Reco's model asks if his inspiration is Medieval. His face is hilarious.

Not B and Eyesack come in to add nothing. MexiJay is going for Contempo Casual with his Versace look, and you know that Versace just pounded the lid of his casket. Eyesack is disturbed by the use of pleather, and MexiJay claims he was going for eco-friendly. Versace is now scraping the lid and screaming for Donatella.

Leave me lone, dahlink!

Eyesack tries to warn Reco against the corset, but Reco daddy tole him to take chances, so suck it. Not B tries to help by saying Halston made women feel beautiful. Thanks for that historical detail, Lisa Ling. Haven says she's nervous because of the "big shoes to feel!" Haven doesn't even have an accent, and I find it hilarious that she thinks that saying is about feeling shoes. She keeps babbling insecurely, waiting for Eyesack or Not B to reassure her. They don't. They just give her dirty looks and move on. How much do these yokels get paid?

Eyesack is horrified at Yarn's decision to use an eggplant flannel for a Chanel jacket, and she just laughs in his face. Not B says nothing and just walks out of the room to not sing to the left to the left while Eyesack performs his most masculine wave of the season. It must be the not grey he's wearing.

This week, Eyesack and Not B barely even pause in the hallway for private chat. They can't think of anything to say and no one wrote anything down for them, so they punch their time cards and go to lunch. Inside, Reco and Merlin are making fun of Yarn's old lady jacket. We haven't seen much of Merlin's work today, but Reco is in no place to be throwing stones. In the little commercials clip, Kenley asks Haven the "fuck, marry, kill" question. It's between Merlin, Johnny, or Reco. She'd kill Merlin, fuck Johnny, and marry Reco. The only part of that that doesn't make me want to cut off my penis is the murdering Merlin part. Yarn looks jealous that she wasn't included in the question.

James Pole tells us that Haven has her work cut out for her on her "Yeve Sen Lorran". I love his indiscriminate use of accents. I want to hear how he pronounces McDonald's. Eyesack warns them that there are only thirty minutes left, and Kenley looks like she needs another week. Or just talent.

Time to load in for the show. Haven can't tell who's work is good and who's sucks. She thinks they all might be in trouble. I say this same thing every single week. Reco says something about Yarn picking good designers for her friends, "but in de en, day gonn pick beep ova beep so beep bullbeep deeeyen." I have no idea what he just said, but it was fun hearing him try to talk. Wow! Look at the A list!

Secretary from No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

Joel Grey!


What happened to that toast's nostrils?

Helena Bonham Carter! Where'd your eyebrows go?

Time for the show! Haven's out first, and her work looks pretty bad. The pants are jagged and poorly sewn. She had to untuck the shirt in the back to hide a busted zipper. If there's a flood, she'll totally win, though.

The blouse just kinda hangs out the front of the best, like the model could barf at any time.

Good. Now spit.

Kenley's next. Her work looks much better on her model, and she redeemed herself, at least in the pants area. The top of the top looks hot, but the bottom looks chichi.

Ew. Wait. I thought the top was opening up to a bare chest, but it's not. It's flesh colored satin. Poor model looks like a sad old cocktail waitress in a casino with that mess on her chest. FUG. Nice collar, though.

Yarn's model looks like a flapper by night/substitute teacher by day. And her skirt is all squircangles! I never thought I would see that shape again!

The jacket sucks, but the dress is pretty cute on it's own.

Reco made a ho dress. But a saloon ho in 1872. Complete with beaded corset. So. Wrong.

He should get eliminated just for pronouncing it Holeston over and over again. MexiJay turns in his best work yet, by far.

Yes, the corset looks like plastic and it's uneven and makes the model look like she's all areolas, but for MexiJay that's a home run.

James Pole also did some pretty good work today. It's very Mrs. Roeper when she was young and fashionable. I smell a spinoff!

When the model turns around, she looks like she's wearing a diaper. But it's a fancy diaper.

Merlin did a bizarre blue draping over turquoise beauty pageant top. Yikes.

Thinning.

There were at least three decent dresses this week, which is a record. Well done, Fashion Show! Judging time! Eyesack tells us that today's guest judge has won the Golden Thimble award. I googled Golden Cymbal, and it turns out it actually is the Golden Thimble. Gay mouth is so confusing. There are three top audience picks this week! They are MexiJay, Kenley, and Yarn. I think MexiJay might actually win something! I just looked outside and the clouds are gathering. If it rains frogs I'm really gonna freak out.

MexiJay got the Versace look down, and Not B credits the show for teaching him how not to suck so much. Hopefully it will have that same effect on her at some point. 84% of the audience thinks Yarn has a well made dress, but the judges are unimpressed with the eggplant jacket. Fern asks bluntly if she assigned people to designers that would help them or if she tried to f her competition over, and Yarn says in a nice way that some people she f ed over. Reco is already rolling his head and giving her two snaps down.

Kenley is lauded for her little pants, and I am impressed that she didn't immediately nannybooboo Haven. Fern wishes there was more color, but Kenley says that she doesn't use much of that color stuff. Eyesack lectures everyone on the importance of color. He's wearing grey again, btw. Yarn is told she's out of the running, and Kenley smiles her fake sweet smile at the judges. They ignore her and give MexiJay the win!! And a frog just pelted my window.

The looks that disappointed the "fashion gods" are Reco and Haven! We know the judges want Reco in the end, so Haven's most likely outsies. Reco is glaring at Yarn, which is hilarious. Guest says Reco's model looks like the village wench, and Reco looks like he's about to pounce.

Girrrl, you lucky I ain't wearin' stilettos.

Eyesack knows he was scared of Holeston, but doesn't understand how he missed it. Not B asks him how he would change it, and Reco cries and says he would change the color. Wrong answer! That's the only thing he got right. Fern says if his cut was completely different, it might have worked. Reco just keeps crying and apologizing. Reco says that he's been working his ass off for seven years and this means a lot to him. Eyesack isn't touched.

Could you bring some of those tears over here? My hair is so hard it's poking my scalp.

Haven is told that the audience called her work messy and boring. Not B asks what Yves era she was going for and Haven says the eighties. Hack. Haven knows her work isn't stellar but says it came out how it came out. Guest calls out the back, which she also cops to. Eyesack is most offended that she chose wool. How is this show even still going? We all know Haven and her tweety bird ass are out. The judges go to talk, and Reco sobs all over Haven's yellow jacket. The sharpest knives are the easiest to break, people. I don't know if that's true, but it sounds good, doesn't it?

The Judges think Reco was way more off the mark than Haven, but Haven's work was a disaster too. At least Reco executed his fug dress well. The guest poses the question: "What's worse? To not know what you're doing and do it well, or know what you're doing well and do it badly?" That's the theme of the season.

Shockingly, Haven's out! Bye bye, tweetie! Reco starts sobbing in her arms again. Oh for f's sake, man! Haven hugs and kisses everyone as Yarn cries. Now she's gonna have to go back to trying to get into Kenley's pants. Reco sobs and sobs and promises to make a better stripper outfit next week. Haven is very positive and says meeting Eyesack is the best thing that ever happened to her. That's sad. She packs up her shoulder pads and is gone.

Alexis is never gonna let me forget about this.

Did Haven deserve it? Would you still even bother with this show if Reco got kicked off? Does Merlin ever wash his hair? Until next week, thanks for being here! xo

Welcome back to another night of America's Got Talent, and Hopefully Another Susan Boyle. Tonight we resume our search for more talent, more terrible acts
that will be far more entertaining than the talented ones, and another moment to compete with the little kids singing "God Bless America" for Most
Nauseatingly Sweet Act. Fortunately, our crack team of judges and your favorite recapper are back to guide you through this harrowing process.
Unfortunately, we're stuck with another night of Nick Cannon, who once again is out to show us why the show is not called America's Hosts Got Talent.
Enough wandering intro, let's start the show!

.

So we're still in Seattle (and after flipping us New York, Seattle, New York, Seattle the producers really need to make up their goddamn minds) and we're ready for the contestants to face "the toughest crowd in America." A panel of TVgasm recappers? No, it's just the friendly citizens of the Pacific Northwest, who settled in for a long day of destroying dreams. A quick introduction for our three judges (what, no push-ups, Hoff?) and we're ready to go!

Suddenly, very mellow music plays and Nick switches to his Very Special Episode voice to remind us that this competition can give a second chance to those who have given up on their dreams while the editors play Russian Roulette with the contestants and force us to guess which gentle-looking hopeful Nick is talking about. Turns out it's a stay-at-home mom who likes to sing while doing basic chores, so she's basically Maria Von Trapp: The Later Years. Confirming my suspicions and making me feel kind of cheap for making the same comparison as the producers, we get "Edelweiss" played in the background as she tells us how her children have inspired her to follow her dream and sing.

But then! Our darling housewife comes to perform dressed in black leather, a spiked collar, and what I hope to God is supposed to be a cat tail. Oh, you crafty producers! I was ready for Julie Andrews, and instead I get Britanny Andrews. But it's the twenty-first century and I'm open-minded, let's see what OH GOD SHE HAS A RIDING CROP. She does a little yodel and talks about pain, then begins to yodel more. Surprisingly, she isn't bad and the crowd seems to like her. Nick, angry that she has already shown more personality AND talent then him, calls her oddly entertaining and proclaims that she could spank him anytime. Entertainment-wise, I think she just did, Nick. Piers calls her a "giant, yodeling, dominatrix," which I'm sure will make her children very proud, and Sharon can't stop laughing. Our dominatrix gets three "yahs" and is on to the next round. And honestly, she's the best suited to Vegas so far.

Seemingly only to show that I spoke too soon, the next act is entirely composed of weird, robotic things. Oh, sorry, that's the judges' panel. Hey-oh! But in all seriousness, the act is robots which Nick proclaims is "hot." Thanks Nick, why don't you head over to another channel and try to be Paris Hilton's BFF, k? The robots dance and play musical instruments, but besides being guys in cool suits don't really have any talent. David Hasselhoff can sympathize and the judges vote them through anyway, and we keep moving at a rapid pace.

Up next is Tom, some old guy that proceeds to flip a sign from "Closed" to "Open." Thanks Tom, but we need more than basic retail skills. Unless you have a robot or dominatrix suit? Tom says he's just "doing his thing," then straightens out some curved rope and starts dancing. This delights Nick to no end because he has the mentality of a third-grader. Tom then makes balls appear in his mouth (damnit, and here I am already having used up my Paris Hilton quota) and to keep with the theme of our rapid montage, Tom will be joining the robots and the housewife in Vegas. Today's theme is obviously "Unexpected People Perform Mediocre Talents, Get Voted Through" as Tom is followed by some precocious young girls in a band called G-Force, who really can't sing at all. Sharon is clearly excited to keep the pool of young girls she can feud with as deep as possible and welcomes them to Las Vegas.

After the break, we meet Rafael, the "no shoes, singing bouncer." He does an extremely high-pitched rendition of "Last Dance," and he better be careful because we haven't come CLOSE to meeting our reject quota tonight. Yep, he quickly turns from semi-quirky to annoyingly bad. Seriously, if he were on American Idol he'd be dead by now. Sharon and David dance to his song (adding ANOTHER name to the list of people Ozzy needs to cut) and Rafael finishes his painful number with an equally-painful split. Everyone takes a second and makes sure to laugh at Nick's hilarious joke about his own crotch hurting. Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. A la Scooter from The Muppet Show, I'd be willing to bet that Nick's uncle owns the theater. Sharon asks what they should do about Rafael, and the audience responds by booing loudly. Sharon for some reason votes yes (?) but the boys shoot him down and we bounce the bouncer. Nick congratulates Rafael and still wants to talk about the splits. Rafael tells him he's been doing it all his life, and suddenly his high-pitched singing is less of a mystery. So...I guess the first productive interview Nick has ever had.

Prostituting themselves next for NBC are some adorable young dancers, and what the hell is this, Self-Esteem Night? I want rejection, damnit, and not just to for some creepy bouncer. The kids are Eric and Rickie, eight-year old dance partners who have been dancing since they were four. Rickie jokes that she's sick of Eric, or maybe that's just the beginning of the passionate love/hate relationship that will probably destroy their lives showing. He says she's one of the coolest girls he knows, and she responds by complaining that sometimes he steps on her toes. And wow, that's every relationship I've ever had nicely summarized in one line. They deny like-liking each other, even despite the efforts of our intrepid Nick Cannon, but are still curiously holding hands. Oh, America's Got Talent, your editing will surely scar them socially for years to come.

They finally take the stage and never fear, after eight seasons of Dancing With The Stars I feel qualified to identify this dance as a "jive." No need to thank me, it's just a good thing I was here. Eric rips off his shirt, which makes me very uncomfortable, and after they finishing putting about 75 D-list celebrities to shame, Sharon puts on her Len Goodman hat to tell them that it was well done and she can see they love dancing together. Hoff tells them that they are what the show is about, and he really needs to make up his mind because he throws this phrase around a lot. Is it about Eric and Rickie? Is it about black kids singing "God Bless America?" Is it about awkwardly dancing with Sharon Osbourne? Decide, David! But Piers has had enough of this hippie feel-good crap, and tells them that the comments don't mean anything and they still need to vote (which show are you watching, Morgan?). Hoff and Sharon give a big screw-you to Piers' attempt to create drama and both vote yes, sending our favorite doomed relationship onward. Nick Cannon tries to get the two to jump around like an idiot with him, but unfortunately they're just a bit too mature for him. They celebrate with their stage parents as we head to another break.

This time we're in Miami (so we thankfully don't need to hear Nick Cannon say "Pacific Northwest" anymore) and our host is trying his hand at some Miami Vice humor. I don't know, before my time. He boats off into the distance (and hopefully Cuba) and we're ready for some Miami talent. First up is Jennifer, and judging from the Pick Panther background music her talent is killing Steve Martin's career. She's got a really ominous suitcase and way too much eyeshadow, so right now she's seeming just quirky enough for this show. She says her act is self-taugh, and consists of what comes out of her mind and body. So basically if this is what I think it is we're all going to owe her $60 in an hour and someone should probably run out for cigarettes. She hauls her suitcase out onto the stage and tells Piers she's here to show him something different, and they hand the stage over to her. She starts out with a little sexy-type dance (not exactly groudbreaking) but she keeps looking at the suitcase and doing a damn good job of building suspense. I usually stay pretty distances from these people and these acts, but right now I HAVE to know what's in this goddamn bag. An eerily life-like dummy? Her plan to rebuild the economy? Jerry Springer to rescue us all from this Nick-nightmare?

She's having problems taking her shoes off and people are calling for Xs and SHE HAD BETTER OPEN THIS THING BEFORE THEY WHEEL HER AWAY. So she finally opens it and it's just this girl that sort of looks like her and is dressed the same, and they do a really lame dance. Did the girl stay in the suitcase all day? Like in those pretapes, was she in there? What would their Vegas act be, her squeezing into differently-sized containers? I have so many questions about this act. Mercifully, Sharon and David buzz them to a chorus of loud boos. David tells them it was the worst act they've seen on the show (yeah! A dark turn for the formerly "we'll take anyone" episode). She justifies herself by saying it's not easy to fit in a suitcase, and while this is true it's not exactly a talent. It's not easy to listen to Nick butcher comedy every night, but we ain't sending every viewer to Vegas. They give her three nos and she packs up the other girl in pink and presumably wheels her away.

It's time for illusionist Drew and his wife Rebecca. Drew met Rebecca in a coffe shop and wins the award for "Most Resemblence to a Character on The Sims." They've brought their baby with them and Rebecca says this is her return debut to the stage. He bitches about having to serve coffee and bag groceries to support his illusionist lifestyle, and once again puts himself in the running for a coveted Hasselhoff "You're What This Show Is All About" award by reemphasizing his dreams of performing. Once he takes the stage, he starts his act by opening some boxes to some generic magician music and then makes some people (animals? Jennifer and the chick from the suitcase?) appear under canvases to the crowd's delight. It turns out it's too really skanky-looking girls in boots and miniskirts (who I'm sure Rebecca has beat the hell out of at least once) and they reveal themselves as Drew makes himself disappear in the original box. BUT THEN! He's with Rebecca under another canvas! This seems cool at all, but if he wants to play with the big boys in Vegas he's gonna need to up his game. Hasselhoff is excited that they finally have a worthy magician (and you can see Drew cringe at his hopes of an "illusionist" label are dashed) but Sharon makes it up to him by calling him the best illusionist she has ever seen. Really Sharon? Do you ever take a break from appearing on TV to actually watch TV? Piers tells him he has a good chance at winning, and he will officially be in Vegas for Round 2. Drew celebrates with a tearful Rebecca and the skanks who will probably be replaced by Round 2, and we're off to another break.

Coming back we get some hot sisters dressed all in white. They're identical triplets born in Poland, and because Piers and David have the majority on Sharon we know right now that they are Vegas-bound. They have the kind of accents that teeter dramatically between attractive and annoying, and they become infinitely more interesting when two of them have a fight during their interview video. Right away Hoff is well representing my gender by hooting loudly at the three Polish girls and the girls well represent their gender by continuing to speak all at the same time to answer the judges' questions. The name of their group is Alizma (which I fully admit to waiting to mention until I saw the spelling) and they plan to sing and play the violin for the judges. The three do a really impressive "Devil Went Down To Georgia," at least on the violins. The singing isn't great, but my Y chromosome forces me to overlook that. After the performance but before the judging, the girls show us that this is not their first rodeo by jumping up and down and kissing each other, and then changing into their underwear for a pillowfight. Piers remains my homeboy by pointing out that they should stop singing and stick with the violins, but then loses those valuable recapper points by AGAIN randomly throughly "literally" into the middle of a sentence where it does not belong. The girls all talk through this criticism again, and after Hoff's resounding yes and Piers' hesitant one they're going on! And they have to visit Piers in his dressing room after the show, but I'm sure that's just about logistics. Sharon tells them not to blow it (which juxtaposes really well with the last joke I made) and they're off to fight in Polish and ignore Nick, which is my idea of a perfect date.

Another break, and now it's Janifer from Georgia who talkes WAY too soft. She's a dancer who this video package would lead us to believe is really gentle and emotional, but I've been hurt by America's Got Talent editors too many times before. See: Dominatrix housewife. She giggles about not actually breaking a leg (yeah, I guess that was funny in the second grade) and heads on out to the stage DRESSED LIKE A WHORE! I totally called it! Oh, man, you guys would be so lost without me. There is no Janifer, only "Nubian Beauty" and she's ready to do some African Bohemian dance. She says she can't absolutely win, Nick makes an off-color joke that isn't even funny, it's like every contestant ever and let's get started. She starts by getting on the ground and jutting out her breasts (if I had nickel for every time I've written THAT sentence before) and then moves to all fours. The audience is booing loudly and hey, I think I've seen her in a different "audition" show, except it cost me $10 on one of those higher-numbered channels. There's a lot of gyrating and stereotypical "African" dancing, and she's really doing a great disservice to all of her people that are making such strides in today's society. By which I mean those "God Bless America" kids we saw yesterday. I think she's the first of the evening to get three Xs, and Piers gently tells her she is not what they are looking for. She argues and pleads for yes votes, but is dismissed from the stage.

This family puts on a "performance show" dressed in these weird costumes and are quickly buzzed out. They signal the beginning of our "failure montage" which also includes a guy wearing both drag AND two manequins, clowns that are buzzed in the first seconds of their act, and Nick Cannon. YOU BELONG IN THIS MONTAGE, NICK. Some guy who balances buckets is rightfully riduculed by David for covering the buckets in a blanket and then dismissed with three Xs, and we're ready for the final break.

We're in the last five minutes, and as veteran (one-time) America's Got Talent watchers can tell you it's time for the feel-good ending. Today it's some thirteen-year old, and Jesus Christ he's gonna play every card he's got. Arcadian Broad's never picked for sports, he's not good enough for anything, he's bullied all the time, he has no confidence, the Polish girls rejected his advances. But now he found dance, and he loves it and has confidence and if he gets three Xs I swear I will watch America's Got Talent for the rest of my life. Arcadian tells Sharon he's going to dance for them, and he finally takes the stage for his act. He busts some decent moves, but because we're at our special ending the crowd goes nuts. Mom and sister celebrate not having to leave Arcadian behind as an embarassment, and Sharon lectures him on his God-given talent (irony levels are high). The judges agree he was great and he gets three yeses, then proceeds to dance around the stage and show us that his bullying isn't entirely unwarranted. He weeps backstage about finally getting to live his dream and we're done for another night.

What did we think? Is he as heartwarming as the Voices of Glory? Did the Polish sisters do it for you? Can anyone beat my EriAm sisters?

More lovely than Aphrodite herself 

THIS. Is So You Think You Can Dance (dance........dance)!

Joining Nigel and Mary this week at the judges' table is Toni Basil. Cat says that Toni's about to receive a very special award, can Toni tell us all about it? Oh boy can she!! She's going to be receiving the living legend of hip hop award. I never even knew such an award existed. 

Yep. This is the face of hip hop 

Of course Toni can't stop there, oh noooooo, on she goes, talking about Boogaloo Sam, Campbell Lock Campbell, and her old pal Hopalong Cassidy. Together they have all done so much for street dancing; bringing it out into the mainstream and helping assure that street dancers are counted in with all the other disciplines of dance. Just the very fact that it is mentioned on this program shows how far street dancing has come.

Oh Toni, you're so lame, you're so lame you hurt my brain, Hey Toni! Please shut up Toni. WOO! 

Let's move on to Mary. Cat wants to know how she thinks the season is shaping up so far. Mary is no fool. She wants to keep on sitting at that judges' table for years to come, so she tells us all that it all just keeps getting bigger and better and she can't wait to see what they're going to do.

Nigel continues to blow smoke up our collective asses by saying that these are some of the best top twenty dancers they've ever had. And while I will agree that there are several people in this group that I like and think are very strong, I will also say that I've felt very much the same way in other seasons of this show. In other words, stuff a sock in it, Nigel.

So the filler question for this week is: What would you do/be if you couldn't be a dancer? Can't wait to see what funtastic answers these kids come up with! First up we have Karla and Jonathan. Karla would be a journalist because she loves writing. Wake me up when she's done talking.  Jonathan would want to be an acrobat for Cirque de Soleil because he likes flipping all over the place. 

Karla and Jonathan will be dancing a hip hop number choreographed by Dave Scott. As soon as they walk into the room to meet with him, Dave hands them each a hat. Uh oh. Props. This number is supposed to have sort of a Bonnie and Clyde feel, a gangster love story, if you will.

This dance sucks y'all. There's really no way to sugar coat it. From beginning to end, all shades of suck. They're not together, they're not hitting it hard, they're awful with the hats.....should I go on? Let's see if the judges think it's as bad as I do.

Nigel agrees with me, even going so far as to say he bets they will be in the bottom. Think about that. They are the first couple to dance, and Nigel is certain they will be in the bottom three. It was just that bad. Of course, now he may have helped them out, getting people to rally for them by giving them a harsh critique. To those people I say, "Put down the goddamn phone." You heard me.

Mary was also unimpressed; it just wasn't in the right groove. Toni, what did you think? She thinks that hip hop is a series of steps that the choreographer draws from many millenniums of dance styles, but mostly STREET. Street has to have a groove and a funk. Gangsters have to have a ghetto groove, or it feels store bought.

But it was on sale at the dollar store! 

That was a seriously crappy way to start the night. Let's hope Asuka and Vitolio can get us back on track. But first! Filler time. If Asuka wasn't dancing, she'd be making crappy jewelry and trying to guilt her friends and family into buying it.

Check out this Must Have piece 

If Vitolio wasn't dancing he would be the lead singer in a band. Ummmm, okay. Asuka says she has heard him sing, and the way she says it makes me think that his chances of becoming a singer are slim to none. This week they are dancing a Mandy Moore jazz piece to "Heartbreaker". Mandy is calling it Thrash. Rocker. Jazz. Because when I think of Thrash, the name I think of is Pat Benatar, natch.

Asuka is out of her element her, and even though she tries to hold it together, she ends up getting upset. Vitolio is a sweetheart, comforting her and telling her they will work together as a couple to make it happen. That's really sweet of him, but I still don't like her. 

I'm not digging this number either. They're not really hitting it hard enough or sharp enough for me. I'd like to place all that blame on Asuka, but Vitolio isn't that great in this number either. For me, they're just bleh. 

Asuka's costume looks like they bought it out of a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog 

Part of the problem is that they have absolutely no chemistry. I am so bored watching them. Cat can't believe these are the same cutie pies from the clip. She talks about Vitolio being there for Asuka, and he says he had to be there for her, and all the girlies in the audience go awwwwwwwww. And I go Yaaaaaaawn.

Nigel thinks the routine was fantastic. I think maybe Nigel might be on drugs or something.

I love you guys! Wait! Where are you? 

Mary thought it was really good, but not as good as last week. There were parts when they should have been in sync and they weren't, she expected more from them. Toni thinks they have the potential to develop into an extremely powerful couple. She also thinks that they should not let their technique get in the way of their emotions. Gawd.

Ade and Melissa are up next. Melissa's exciting career choice if she wasn't dancing? Pilates instructor. Ade would be a sound engineer, and we know that already because he's mentioned it in another set of filler clips. Thanks for sharing guys!

I know that some of you have mentioned that you actually like all this filler crap, but I fucking hate it. I could care less about what they want to be when dance is gone, or what "secret" we should know about them. All I want to know, is can they dance? Can they dance well? And can they keep their mouths shut when getting their critiques? 

So Melissa and Ade are dancing a rumba. Tony Meredith is the choreographer, and he tells us it's the international love dance between a man and a woman. It requires sensuality. And technique. And emotion. Tony thinks they have to work on everything.

Thank god for Melissa and Ade. They kill this dance. They've got the technique down, especially the hip action the rumba requires, and they're selling the passion and emotion all the way through. I really liked this alot. 

You know what's going to be interesting though? When they get something that's really outside of their element. I mean, everything they've had so far lends itself fairly well to Melissa's ballet training. What's going to happen when they get hip hop or krumping? I'm curious to see.

Anyway, let's go over to the judges and see what they thought. Nigel pervs out immediately talking about how terrific Melissa's body is. I mean, she does have a fabulous body, but Nigel needs to stop talking about it. He does, going from Nigel horndog mode to Nigel corndog mode saying, "What a difference Ade makes." Oh Nigel, you're just so witty.

In all seriousness, he gives props to Ade for his partnership, and it's well deserved. Mary reminds us that Tony said selling the emotion would be one of the toughest parts of this routine. Well, she's buying, yes she is. 

I'd like a five dollar foot long please. 

It appears that this number may have given Toni some hot flashes. She thinks the sensuality was gorgeous, and Melissa's ballet training really worked for this. But since Nigel and Mary already talked about Melissa and Ade, Toni's going to talk about Tony. She's seen him and Melanie perform live. "You were hot because they were hot." Do we really need to go over the definition of hot AGAIN?!? Alright, I will, you have left me no other option.

HOT 

NOT 

Please don't make me have to go over this again. 

Up next we have Janette and Brandon. Brandon would love to be a lighting and design person because he loves it when the stage is all sparkly and everything. Janette would be loan processor in a bank. Because there's a really cool side to processing loans. You just have to look really really really really really hard I guess.

They are also doing a Dave Scott hip hop number, and all I can say is that I hope to hell it goes better than the earlier one. Poor Dave Scott seems to be heading down the same road of disappointment that Shane traveled last week.

Dave tells us this dance is going to be rock 'n roll meets hip hop. They each show a little bit of their style and then they put it in a blender and mix it together to get some sort of rock and hip hop combo.

It looks like Brandon was picking up the moves pretty quickly during rehearsal and that brought out the competitor in Dave. Dave kept stepping up the moves seeing if Brandon could keep up. He does. There's a part with some locking in it, and Brandon is afraid of what the poppers watching at home will think. I think he should be more worried about what they'll think of the SYTYCD stencil on his baseball cap. It's so street, y'all.

I loved this dance. They each kept in character the whole time and they did a nice job of bring each character's flavor to the steps. It's so nice to finally see some good hip hop. This really had me wishing they had gotten Shane last week, but there's always another time, I guess.

The judges all love it. Nigel thinks it was good stuff, and this is what he enjoys; dancers being taken out of their element and put into another element, and working it. Mary thinks they really hit it, yes she does. She is so proud of them tonight. 

Toni reminds us all that street is a really really tough thing to do. She thinks the juxtaposition between the rock and hip hop was really strategic on Dave's part and really good for them. Have I mentioned that I'm over her? Oh, and street street street streety street street. Street.

Her hat's like a Mandarin beret. I wonder if she bought it on the street 

Coming up next is Kupono and Kayla, our new partnership. Will they mesh doing a Vietnamese Viennese waltz? Before we find out the answer to that question, let's find out what they would want to be if they could not dance. Kayla shares with us that she would want to be a model. I was all set to make a smartass remark about that, but then they showed some pictures she's done, and I found my self liking some of them

Go Figure 

Kupono would want to be a costume designer. Yeah, I never saw that one coming.

Make it Work 

Kupono tells us that a lot of the pieces we've seen him wearing are actually his own. No Shit.  I wonder if he's been giving Cat fashion advice. Their waltz is being choreographed by Jean Marc Genereux. Oh Goody - he's a total fruit loop, but I love him! I wish they'd have him back on the judges' panel. He always talks nonsense, but in a French accent, so it's ok

The dance is really pretty, and they do a good job with it but it felt much more like a lyrical piece to me than a waltz. Maybe some of that is because their dancing in their barefeet, which also bugged me last year when a certain couple did it in the waltz. I don't know.  I liked it; it just felt like the genre was mislabeled. 

Cat says when dancers reach into the hat and pull a Vietnamese Viennese waltz, they die a million deaths. Yeah. It's one of the toughest to get, for sure. Nigel thinks it's not the kind of routine that gets a hundred rounds of applause. It's not flashy or exciting. He thought the dance was beautiful and that they were beautiful in it. But he does not think it's going to make anybody stand up and cheer. So of course the audience does just that.

Well some of them at least 

He hopes that people pick up the phone and call for them because they deserve it. Mary thinks it was elegant and flowing and endearing. She puts them on the hot tamale train and screams. Blech. Toni, was it street enough for you? 

It was just like taking a stroll along the Mariahilferstrasse 

She really loved the dance. She particularly loved Kayla, and thought Kupono partnered her well. I can't listen to her anymore. Sorry.

Our next couple is going to be Evan and Randi, dancing a Mia Michaels contemporary piece. But first, filler! Aside from dancing, Randi is also pursuing a career in elementary education. She wants to be a special ed teacher. I am not going to say anything about that other than good for her, we need more teachers. Evan would want to be a mechanic, which isn't so hard to guess after he shared his love of cars with us last week. Maybe he could be a dancing mechanic; oil change and a show.

Mia has created a piece for them that is all about Randi's butt. Evan is entranced with her butt, made helpless by her butt. Mia says he loses all bodily functions. I hope to god she doesn't have him shitting on the stage or something.

I loved this dance! Of course I may be a bit biased because I love Evan so much, but I don't think so. This dance kicked ass. ASS. Yes, I said it! Although it was so hot and steamy, I'm thinking that Randi is going to have some splaining to do to her hubby yet again. 

Cat calls them cheeky. Hee. And then....Nigel. He thinks that this was very simple choreography for Mia, "But, and there is a butt....it was beautifully danced." There wasn't really any great style by Mia, "But, and there is a butt....it was followed though from beginning to end." There wasn't a great idea behind it, there wasn't a doorway, bed or father in heaven, "But, and there is a butt....and it's Randi's butt."  

Butt Head 

Nigel thinks no one on earth could come up with an idea like this, other than Mia Michaels. He also thinks it will be remembered. Amen to that Nigel. On a different note, what the fuck is Mia wearing?

Does she even need glasses? 

Mary thought they were terrific. One of the best numbers for her tonight. I do agree. I think it is the best of the night for me. Toni says that if she was a dancer on this show she would be praying to pull Mia's name out of the box. It's a hat Toni. And so nice of you to say that, I'm sure the other choreographers really appreciate that. 

Toni thinks the only problem is that sometimes Mia's choreography can become the star, the dancers have to live up to it, and they did. And then she says something about alchemy and how phenomenal Mia is and I stopped listening, so I can't really tell you much more beyond that. And it was so street.

Time for Caitlin and Jason to tackle the Paso Doble. Huh. This could either be really really good, or a complete disaster. You definitely have to have a certain attitude to pull off the paso doble, and I'm not sure that they have that.

But first, I'm dying to know what they would be if they weren't a dancer. I just can't wait to find out!! Caitlin would like to appear in multiple Lifetime movies for women has always thought about pursuing broadcast journalism. 

I'm thinking more weather girl than broadcast journalist 

If Jason wasn't dancing, he'd be playing soccer. If not professionally, than at a collegiate level. Caitlin thinks soccer players are hot. I think Caitlin's got a little thing for Jason, and maybe vice versa. That kiss the first week was a little steamy.

Jean Marc Genereux and his wife, France will be choreographing them for the paso doble. France loves this dance because it is about the fighting. I think the two of them are little freaks in the sack. 

Foreplay 

So in this paso doble, Caitlin and Jason are supposed to hate each other, but it seems difficult for them to stop smiling. I have a feeling this is going to be another whitebread version of a dance style.

Holy Crap. This is the worst music for a paso doble ever. They're dancing to "O Fortuna", and if that weren't bad enough, the costumes....oh, the costumes. The costumes look like someone threw up purple and gold all over them, but that's not the worst part. He looks like a caped gladiator, and she looks like I Dream of Jeannie wearing Princess Leia's slave outfit. 

Back in the bottle please! 

So this for me was a paso d'oh-ble. I wasn't buying it at all. And honestly it felt really clumsy and clunky in parts. Whatever happened to the whole "the woman is the cape" thing? I liked that. This? Not so much. So let's take a little detour to watch a paso doble from seasons past that I really enjoyed. Gasmi, I present to you, Neil and Sabra!

Now THAT was a paso doble.  

Back in the present, let's hear what Nigel has to say about this routine. Nigel felt like Jason was performing too much to the audience, not enough to his partner. He didn't feel enough passion from the pair of them. He thinks Caitlin has great lines and a beautiful flow of movement, but he'd still have liked to see more between the pair of them.

Mary has obviously reached her drinking limit for the evening because she thinks it was a really strong performance. She gives him a little bit of critique on his posture, but overall she really liked it. I have obviously reached my saturation point this evening for Toni because all I can tell is that she liked it. I tuned the rest out.

woh woh woh wohwoh woh wooooooh 

The last couple tonight is Phillip and Jeanine who will be dancing a Broadway routine choreographed by Tyce DiOrio. Uh oh. This has disaster written all over it. If Phillip was going to be anything other than a dancer, he would be an inventor. He wants to create or invent something that would help society. Jeannine would be an actress/waitress. 

Well this routine should be right up her alley since Tyce intends for it to be very theatrical. He also wants Phillip to jump the length of the couch (yes, I said couch) during the dance. We see some cute footage of Phillip running toward the couch and then chickening out. And then jumping it.

They start the dance seated on the couch with Phillip reading to Jeanine from a book. I just love a man who reads.

Mmmmmmmmm 

Before you can say Hugh Jackman is the hottest man alive, they're up off the couch and dancing around it, over it, but not under it. It's a cute routine, and I like it better than I usually like Tyce's Broadway numbers. But it must be said that Jeanine out dances Phillip by a mile. She has the Broadway style down whereas you can just sort of see him thinking about it too much. He does an okay job, MUCH better than the tango catastrophe of last week, just not great.

Phillip does the clear the couch though, and splits his pants in the process. Nigel says he now knows what it's like to dance with his ass hanging out of his trousers. Oh Nigel, you just get funnier and funnier every year. He wasn't crazy about him in this dance though. He says he's going to have to ask him to grow even more than he is doing. Nigel doesn't want to stop loving him, but he will.

Mary expected Phillip to be a nightmare in this dance, but he wasn't. She thought he started out good and in character, but she could see him tiring as the routine went on. She gives him props for clearing the couch. Mary also thinks that Jeanine could step out on any Broadway stage right now. Toni talks. I don't listen. 

So that's your sweet sixteen, Gasmi. Who'd you love? Hate? Who are you hoping will get the boot? I think there's no way Phillip and Jeanine will be in the bottom. If they didn't land there with last week's atrocious tango, they should be safe for another week. My call for bottom three is Jonathan/Karla, Asuka/Vitolio, and Caitlin/Jason. I'd like to see Asuka and Jonathan go; they are both waaaaaay out of their league. 

I'm going to get started on the results show, and hope to have it ready for your reading pleasure soon. See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth

Hello Gasmii--

Tonight's episode is cram-packed with the two things we've come to expect from Harper's Island-- vicious murders and even more diabolical plotholes. It's like they realized how stretched-thin the last two shows were and are making up for that by stepping up the output on both bodies and nonsensical behavior. Plus there's personal growth. But no Purse-Dog. You can't have it all.

"Why are you doing this?" Abby whimpers, voicing the frustrations of literally dozens of viewers from coast to coast. "You don't know?" Wakefield snorts. As Abby frantically shakes her head, thinking "If I knew, would I still be on this piss-lickin' Canadian island, jack?" we hear nearby shouts of "Abby! Abby!" and Wakefield darts off like my elementary school's flasher (still at large as far I know). Henry and Braids come running up, shotguns cocked. Don't even tell me they're not gonna believe her. That would almost be as crap-tastic as the writers trying to get us to wonder if Wakefield's all in Abby's head. And then at the end we find out Abby's really "Wakefield". I'm warning you, CBS. If that's what you have in store for us, just pull the plug right this second and play reruns of Without A Trace, because I'd rather watch Enrique Murciano try in vain to muster one believable line reading than have that be the big pay-off.

OK, it isn't. Abby tries to grab a gun and go after Wakefield before he gets away, but Henry holds her back, telling her they'll get the monster, but they have to be smart. No comment! Henry holds Abby tight while she shrieks with helpless rage.

That rectal temperature ain't gonna take itself!

Cannery Bar & Grill. Pierced Tongue nurses a still-unconscious and unfortunately still-clothed Fish Hunk. She says they need to get FH to corpulent coroner Dr Oldfart, but Townie tells her it's not safe. Slutty Blonde Bitch wonders why Wakefield would deliver FH to them. Townie says they're not even sure it's really Wakefield-- "the kid" (meaning Creepy Madison) could be telling "stories" again (meaning pathological lies). In a noble effort to create conflict, Trish snaps to her creepy niece's defense. Townie snaps back that Trish is responsible for sending Abby out into harm's way. Trish's Sister counters by insisting Trish had good reason to think Abby was the one who needed to take care of bidness. TS comforts her moon-faced daughter-- no one blames M for fibbing that GLC was the one who kidnapped her, causing massive, potential deadly confusion. Townie warns Slutty to stay away from the windows. But her fiance Preppy Blonde Snot and Spiky Hair are still out there trying to retrieve a getaway sailboat!

Ext. Harper's Island Clinic. Spiky helps a patched-up Preppy to PT's shitbox car. I guess the network censor decided the scene we've all been waiting a week for, Dr Prepper coaching Spiky through semi-surgical removal of the bullet in Preppy's chest, was just too interesting gruesome for us to see. Spiky fills us in on the off-camera hijinks: Preppy passed out before he could give Spiky any instructions, but Spiky still managed to extract the slug, clean, dress and suture the wound, and not kill Preppy. Spiky is brilliant. But he's forgotten you have to jiggle the key to start the ignition! Apparently the writers forgot this, too, since the car starts right up and they're on their way to snag the sailboat.

Ext. Candlewick. While Abby stands aside, traumatized, Henry and Braids pack GLC's tarped corpse into the back of the sheriff's SUV, agreeing they should get back to the Cannery-- "it's not safe"! No, it certainly isn't, but how decent of you to spend so many vulnerable minutes cutting down and wrapping a dead man with a brutal superhuman psychopath on the loose! What with the substantially reduced cast, Braids is getting more lines than ever now. Unfortunately, this is one: "All these bodies. One guy. How the hell does one guy do all this?!" Actually, this dialogue is rather useful, ironically indicating to us as it does that there's clearly more than one killer. Abby tells the boys that GLC's dying words assured her he was indeed her father. Good to know. Now MOVE YOUR ASSES!

This show only needs one blonde strumpet, so just hang it up, bar trash!

Cannery. TS asks Madison if John Wakefield is the one who told her people died on this island. Yuppers, M replies. On the first day, while she was picking flowers for her flower-girl basket. Has this kid never seen that Winnie-the-Pooh video about Stranger Danger?! They need to get an anatomically correct doll so she can show them where he touched her. As TS and Trish exchange traumatized glances, Madison petulantly reminds TS that M told her about her "new friend" ages ago. Madison wants to know if her daddy Kinky Ginger is dead. Yes, TS tearfully confirms, which would have been a fine place for Madsy to display a reaction of some sort, but let's face it, no one's mistaking her for Abigail Breslin. They actually have to cut away to reaction shots of Townie, PT and FH, who, though comatose, gives us more than this kid. Finally, Robo-Moppet gets out "Is-Abby-going-to-die-because-of-me". Trish and TS assure the tyke that Abby will be back real soon.

Sheriff SUV. They're still screwing around. Abby looks for the keys under the sun visor and finds a perky pic of herself GLC obviously fondly put there. Abby's traumatized expression turns deadly. "I'm gonna kill John Wakefield!" MAIN TITLES.

Ext. Harper's Island road. Abby obviously couldn't find those keys, because now Abby, Henry and Braids, each toting a shotgun, walk and talk about things we already know: GLC rescued Fish Hunk for Abby. And ask questions we already know the answer to: If this is all about Wakefield getting revenge on GLC and making him look bad, now that GLC is dead, is Wakefield done? (Let me assure them: That'd be no.)

Check two inches above the right ear for the "666".

Cannery. Last episode they were using candles but at some point the generator kicked in and they turned on a couple lamps. Now Slutty asks PT how long the generator will last. Probably not long enough, she says, adding that the cable from the mainland was cut, along with the cell tower and landlines. Everything. Including Wi-Fi, DirecTV and SiriusXM Radio. TS says someone's got to notice the huge marina explosion earlier. Townie says it's in a deep harbor and not visible from the mainland. PT says no one there will notice if they don't hear from anyone on the island for a few days. And the dead State Policeguy and Girl? Won't someone miss those bozos? Sure, eventually, Townie scoffs. I personally think dispatching them to pick up a multiple murder suspect and then losing all radio contact an hour later could might maybe perhaps send up a red flag, but that's just me.

Slutty turns on Trish-- why did she decide to get married on this stupid island?! Before she can answer, Wakefield kicks down the door and enters with a huge blade, glowering at them.

Today's Quickfire: Harpies Tard-tare

Just take her, sir. You'd be doing us all a favor.

The only person with the brains to point a gun at the fiend is PT, but Wakefield pushes it aside, then skewers her below the boobs before she can squeeze another shot off.

The good news: those cobwebs on the ceiling? GONE.

The bad news: organ failure & exsanguination.

TS, Slutty and Madison scurry back to the bathroom. Trish grabs a rifle but instead of grabbing one himself or ordering Trish to blow Wakefield away, Townie shoos her back toward the crapper and faces off against Wakefield with a puny hunting knife. "You don't scare me!" Townie ludicrously yells, lunging at Wakefield with his teeny flaccid knife.

Cannery bathroom. Instead of blasting Wakefield's head off, Trish uses her rifle to bat open the window and ushers Slutty and Madison through.

Barroom. Townie keeps trying to cut Wakefield, who jabs him in the shoulder with his razor-sharp, two-foot, double-edged sword. Then the stomach. Then down the length of his arm. All very painfully, from Townie's agonized man-screams.

Bathroom. Trish aims the rifle at the door. Instead of running out and taking advantage of the fact that Wakefield HAS NO GUN.

Barroom. Townie swings at Wakefield, trying to land a punch. This just amuses the super-monstrous killer, who impales Townie with his enormous shiny blade. Townie hits the deck, looking pretty dead.

Stop Or My Puffy Bride Will Shoot

Bathroom. TS wants Trish to come through the window instead of bravely aiming at the restroom door. Trish says she's coming and tells TS to go! TS goes. Trish hears Wakefield coming and fires through the door, which flies open, revealing Wakefield, as Trish appears to be out of ammo. Wakefield glares at her sadistically, relishing her imminent well-deserved death. But Townie has dragged himself to the bathroom door, providing enough distraction for Trish to escape. Wakefield glares at him sadistically, then moves forward for the kill.

Ext. Marina. The panicked ladies scamper away from the Cannery. Trish says Wakefield got Townie and FH (excuse me, you don't know that!!) but she knows where the gals can go.

Ext. Private dock. Preppy and Spiky arrive but there's no sailboat. Looks like they're stuck! Preppy says it's all his fault for going to the wrong side of the car. Spiky says if he hadn't, the bullet would've hit S. Preppy insists that his medical attention pit-stop cost them their way off the island. Spiky tries to make him feel better. For all they know, the sailboat could've been gone for days. Spiky makes a joke about banging Slutty then joshingly elbows Preppy in his wound. Looks like they're gonna be friends after all. They head back to the car.

Ext. Cannery. Henry, Abby and Braids tote their shotguns toward the bar entrance. The front door's open and a tired redneck oldie blasts from the jukebox.

Int. Cannery. The three enter and are horrified to see Townie, strung up and butchered!

It's like that N*SYNC video, but less atrocious.

Back from commercial. PT lies dead on the floor. Braids clobbers the jukebox, silencing "Brandy". Henry checks the place. Everyone's gone, including Fish Hunk. Abby and Henry are relieved their love interests seem to have escaped. Braids provides the promo sound-bite. Braids (staring at Townie): He's not done. He's nowhere near done. A-men, sistah.

GLC's house, attic. Trish leads the Pussy Posse into GLC's Wakefield and Related Murders Shrine, explaining that she came here with Abby and Henry when they were looking for GLC. Trish bolts the trapdoor as Madsy checks out the bulletin boards of CHOTSONA (Concisely Headlined On-Topic Sequentially Ordered News Articles, in case you were absent.) TS pulls her away from them, because some newspaper clippings might be upsetting after play-dates with a serial killer and witnessing live homicides. Way to parent, TS! Slutty says it's as if GLC was "just waiting for Wakefield to happen again." Whatever, Paris. You try creating such a cleverly instructional obsessive shrine.

Cannery. As Henry covers bodies and checks ammo, Abby says that Wakefield's changed the game. Before, he was content to pick victims off from the shadows. Since GLC's murder, he's stepping out. He wanted Abby to see him. She says Wakefield could have slipped away and people would have blamed GLC for the killings. What vile plan does he have in store for them?!! Braids starts lose his shit-- Wakefield's not gonna stop until they're all dead and I can't handle it, man!!! Abby says check yo'self befo' you wreck yo'self! They have to finish this.

When I grow up, can my carpets and drapes not match, too???

GLC's attic. When TS shudders at Wakefield's heinousness, Madison says he was nice to her. John Wakefield is a sociopath! Slutty snaps semi-hilariously. Then, feeling bad for hollering at the tot, Slutty explains that some bad people pretend to be nice to get what they want. LIke Jay Leno. Trish snoops through GLC's file cabinet until she finds blueprints showing the underground tunnels beneath the Candlewick extend all over the island. This is how Wakefield gets around! From outside, a church bell tolls. Slutty, TS and Trish look vaguely disturbed.

Cannery. Henry thinks the bell could be Daphne Trish. Velma Abby says it could be a trap.

GLC's attic. Trish and Slutty are in a lather about what the bell could mean. Henry! Preppy! Rescue! They'll take guns and check out while TS and Madison wait. Junior Leaguer TS isn't too keen on hiding in some attic like common Jews but Trish convinces her she and Slutty have to check it out.

Ext. Harper's Island churchyard. Scooby and The gang meet up in front of the church. Henry and Trish exchange hugs. Trish politely asks about Townie when she knows damn well he's dead thanks to her one-woman Chick Power Outage. Abby is alarmed to learn FH didn't leave with Pussy Posse. The bells have mysteriously stopped ringing. And Abby's gonna find out why, dammit!

Int. church. It's dark and deserted. Abby wants to check the belfry. But first Braids wants to light a candle and pray. Your recap artist is Puerto Rican and even I wouldn't be that Catholic. Trish shines her flashlight on yellow police tape around the chandelier that head-spaded her dad, the late Beef Wellington. She gets choked up but will be okay, thanks, Henry. H tells her GLC is dead and T offers condolences to A. Oh, and sorry for being a hysterical reactionary twat. Abby forgives her and they're about to share a warm moment when, thank Christ, they're interrupted by Slutty's bloodcurdling shriek. A Deputy with a slashed throat is parked in a pew. No biggie.

What a terrible waste. There's nothing on this island even remotely worth looting!

Suddenly, tires squeal and headlights flash outside, scaring the shit out of everyone. As they focus guns and attention on the door, they fail to see Wakefield is a few feet away in the darkness. Spiky and Preppy enter to everyone's relief. Except Slutty, who's suddenly missing. "Sluuuuuuutty!" Preppy yells. Get used to that, Gasmii.

Back from commercial. It's suddenly morning. Everyone's freaking out about still-vanished Slutty, especially her ornery hobbit fiance. Suddenly, Daphne Trish has it-- Wakefield snatched Slutty and took her into a tunnel under the church, it's right here on this blueprint! Banging and clanging from the other side of the church. Rifles up! The door opens-- it's Fish Hunk, a little pale and grimy but still beautiful.

As Abby embraces him, FH whispers that he saw Townie eat it. Henry asks how FH got out. He claims he woke up, saw PT and Townie and hobbled out to find help in town. But it's empty. He heard the church bells and came here. FH asks how he got to the Cannery. The last thing he remembers was Townie yelling something to him at the docks. Wakefield brought you, Trish says. Abby confirms that the notorious spree killer is alive. FH: Then why didn't he kill me? Um, cuz you're his fuckable first-born, no one replies.

Wanna do The Amazing Race together?

Preppy calls them over to a trapdoor leading down into a tunnel which they better not be about to spend the rest of this episode in. Consulting the blueprints, they quickly ascertain there are three entrances to the network of recycled sets subterranean tunnels: church, Candlewick, storm drain. There's also a mystery tunnel branching out to an unmarked destination... It seems like only yesterday Frank and Joe were embarking on their last adventure, Danger On Vampire Trail. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Henry issues commands. Trish and Fish Hunk, take PT's car and block off the storm drain entrance. PT won't mind, she's dead. (And it'll be especially convenient if FH turns out to be Wakefield's dangerously unhinged co-conspirator/chip off the psycho block and needs to take a lead character hostage.) Spiky and Braids, go to the Candlewick and seal off the tunnel there. Bosomy Redhead Hotel Manager won't mind, she's dead. Henry, Abby and Preppy will hit the tunnel and find Slutty.

Ext. Storm Drain. Wakefield deposits a terrified Slutty in an open-air storm-grate prison cell. Why are you doing this to us?! she shrieks. We didn't do anything to you! Leering down at her through the grate at the top, the bloodthirsty butcher snarls, I almost died for a woman like you. Mr. Wakefield, you really MUST stop comparing our series-regular starlets to Abby's woefully wigged mom. These girls already have self-esteem issues. Slutty feistily growls that her friends are gonna find her and then kill Wakefield! Which is kind of asking for it, if you want my opinion. To show her who's boss, Wakefield taunts her by jabbing his giant blade through the grate then leaves.

You are so mega-lucky I can't Tweet right now, Mister, 'cuz it would be BRUTAL!

Massacre Woods. Spiky and Braids hurry down the trail, exchanging information we already know. Then Spiky says how inspirational Preppy's love for Slutty is, because that's how brahs keep it real with each other. If my boyfriend started talking like that, I'd immediately perform a vagina check.

Tunnel. Abby, Henry and Preppy search. Henry warns Preppy to proceed with caution but Preppy says they need to hurry if they want to find Slutty alive. For the 38th time this episode, someone (Prep) asks why Wakefield is doing this to them. Some suit at CBS obviously felt it was important we know how bewildered the characters are, because that makes them terrified and terror tests well. Or that we repeatedly be reminded that there's still plenty of mystery left, since last week they basically revealed there was no mystery since the killer turned out to be The Killer.

Candlewick kitchen. Spiky and Braids board up the tunnel door. Spiky says if he gets out of this alive, he needs to make some life changes, open himself up to people. Note from CBS-- We need to feel as if the supporting characters are experiencing personal growth. Perhaps they should have also requested these characters had personality traits beyond their hairstyles. Just a thought. Braids says Spiky isn't guarded, he's scared. Make that REALLY scared, since someone is now pounding on the just-sealed tunnel door! Spiky and Braids aim their guns, then fire at the door, blowing alarmingly big holes in it. The noise stops and they wonder if they "got him". Braids moronically leans in for a closer look and just misses getting his head speared with Wakefield's giant sharpened blade! They hear what sounds like footsteps clattering away back down into the tunnel. Then they decide they have to go in there and rescue their friends. There you have it, personal growth. Which seems a lot like TOTAL FUCKING STUPIDITY.

Dude, are you ovulating?

GLC's attic. TS scolds Madison-- young lady, stop reading those Wakefield files! I'm not, M whines. The sheriff has lots of stuff on someone else we know. TS snatches the dossier from her daughter and takes a peek, becoming vaguely disturbed.

Tunnel. Preppy hears something. Henry says it sounds like water. They run ahead and discover a sewer pipe. Crawling through, Abby, Prep and Henry emerge in the forest, behind a chain-link fence. Below is a scenic river running through a gorge. Preppy bellows out Slutty's name.

Storm-grate. Slutty screams for Preppy. Then Wakefield stomps onto the storm-grate above her head. Is your fiance willing to die for you, he fiendishly asks.

Back from commercial. Massacre Woods. Henry, Abby and Preppy hike down a trail, Prep still calling to Slutty. Abby tells Henry she doesn't know where they are. Then Preppy thinks he hears something faint-- it's Slutty! He runs in the direction he thinks it's coming from, Abby and Henry tagging along. Preppy turns back toward Abby and Henry and suddenly Abby sees Wakefield looming above them. She tells Prep to get down and fires at W, missing. W disappears into the forest, Abby in hot pursuit. Henry tells Preppy to find Slutty and get her out of here, then takes off after Abby. She says they're ending this-- if Henry has a shot at Wakefield, take it, even if she's in the way. Henry says that's insane. A: Then stay outta my way.

Wakefield appears, then goes deeper into the woods, leading them on. Suddenly, Abby and Henry stumble across a huge vine covered totem pole. Abby remembers this place-- she used to come here with Fish Hunk.

So which mouth do we order through???

Slutty hears Preppy and starts screaming for him. He hears her and tries to find her, attempting to cross a concrete water main bridging the gorge. But his way is blocked by a locked chain-link door. He scrambles down the embankment and finds her storm-grate cell. She's hysterical as he tries to pry the upper grate off, finally shooting the latch off. He pulls her to safety then puts his gun down so he can propose marriage. She joyfully accepts, then squeals in horror-- Wakefield is standing thirty feet away, wielding his humongous sword of death. Preppy fires, hits inches from Wakefield's boot, then has trouble reloading, so they flee across the water main, coming to the same or an identical locked chain-link door. Wakefield marches toward them.

This can't end well.

Preppy tells Slutty to climb over the guard-rail fence and inch past the door to freedom. He helps her over but instead of climbing to safety, she waits for him, watching, frozen with fright, as Wakefield bears down on Preppy. Prep tells her he loves her, then turns his rifle around to use as a bat, but Wakefield wrests it away and tosses it into the river. Then Wakefield rams the wickedly long blade through Preppy's clavicle as Slutty screams and screams and screams. As an appropriately overwrought Civil Twilight song begins, Wakefield tosses Preppy's body into the river then turns to Slutty.

See?

From the bluff, Abby and Henry see Wakefield and Slutty on the bridge. Wakefield extends the bloody mega-dagger toward Slutty. "You can't have me", she tells him in an eerie dead voice and then falls backward in a suicide dive, her body ending up floating next to Preppy's far below. Abby skewers Wakefield with a look of pure adrenalized hatred. Wakefield gives Abby a look of pure cold-blooded evil then walks back across the bridge.

Braids and Spiky emerge alive from the sewer pipe and head off down the gorge, brahs to the end.

GLC's attic. TS sifts through the file. We see a news clipping headlined "Is Killer Working Alone" then a Seattle Police Department mug sheet... for FISH HUNK.

Harpers Island road. PT's car is parked on the sewer grate most recently graced with Madison's waggling white mitt. In he driver's seat, Trish is slumped over, eyes shut. FH watches her from the passenger side. Her hand is on the rifle between them. He puts his hand on it, taking it from her. She jolts awake, startled. He tells her she shouldn't sleep holding a loaded gun. She relinquishes it and goes back to sleep, as he watches her...

VAGUELY DISTURBED.

I still don't believe it. Not him. No. Not.... Fish.... Hunk................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait a minute. I smell herring in red sauce!

If FH is dangerously unhinged, why did GLC not only not warn Abby about him when GLC caught her having slept over at FH's house six or seven thousand episodes ago, how come GLC brokered a deal trading his own life for FH's??? The only info GLC didn't have is the whole Wakefield-has-a-kid bit which was in W's journal. I think FH will be vindicated right before Henry almost takes him out (as in kills, not "to a show") in the super-electrifying series finale on July 11.

One last note-- If somehow you haven't seen True Blood yet (and I know, HBO is expensive) treat yourself to Season One, now available on DVD. If you've been watching Harper's Island for eleven weeks, you deserve it!

It's time to take the jump down the rabbit hole and enjoy the mind-bending bizarro world that occurs when the separate realities of five seriously insane housewives collide.

Make that six.

They're having a sale on BJ's right outside!

The ladies have taken their seats with poor, about-to-pop, Jacqueline protectively ensconced between Mama Manzo and the Diva to Miss Thang's left. It's not clear whether the Laurita/Manzo women are sitting with their sister to give support in case her water breaks or to keep her from saying anything that might make the family look bad. After all, they've had time to come up with an agreed on party line regarding the entire Nina/book/table turning season, and there's no way in hell that Mama's going to let her sister-in-law, or anybody else, embarrass them a second time.

I may not be an expert on body language, but I'm pretty sure Mama is sending Miss Thang a message.

Miss Thang is looking a little worried about Jacqueline's expectant condition, and I don't really blame him. It's just a guess, but I doubt that Andy would relish the sight of a head pushing it's way through a gaping vagina, and there's no saying that he won't be forced to experience the wonders of birth before the day is done. Jacqueline isn't looking too happy either, but the only way Bravo is going to let her out of this reunion is if her water breaks. It's a good thing that they have a nurse on the set, because Jacqueline tells us that she was doing her best to get the flood started right up until they started filming.

Never one to miss out on a possible fashion trend, Low-Magnon has her own bun a-bakin' in the oven, or in her case an open pit fire.

We're in talks to do a remake of Clan of the Cave Bear.

Low-Magnon and Nina are occupying the couch to Miss Thang's right. As he goes around the circle greeting the housewives, he ends with Nina complimenting her on her hair extensions. I have to say that long hair is a good look for Nina, she looks a little less stressed and crazy. Or maybe it's not the hair, I'm thinking she got her eyebrows lowered, or at least one of them. Is that even possible?

She can go from surprised to pissed just by turning her head.

Miss Thang starts off the discussion with the riveting topic 'big Joisey hair. Low-Magnon's in particular. Does she really think her current hair is small as in not big? Low-Magnon looks momentarily confused until she realizes that she totally mistook the meaning of the word small. She thought it meant her hairstyle was, you know, "more modern". Miss Thang grins back at her, while he wonders if he should bother defining the word "modern" for her. I gotta feel for the man, language barriers are always a challenge.

I give him another hour before he starts speaking slowly and loudly and waving his arms around.

The Diva jumps in with a picture from her own big hair high school days. But the hair is just an excuse because the picture really proves that she had those same puffy lips she spends so much time outlining when she was a teenager. Seriously, the woman has no trouble frankly admitting her "bubbies" are made of silicone, but God forbid anybody thinks her lips are. I guess everybody needs to draw a line somewhere.

So natural that Nature's Valley is going to design an advertising campaign around her, from the head up.

Miss Thang reads a quote from the NY Times describing the Jersey housewives as being more popular than the other housewives because they're the most preposterous and the most believable. Mama offers that they're popular because they don't try to be what people like. I'm guessing that they've been using that same line since they made up the bitchy popular clique in high school. We get a flashback of the whole pulling-out-the-book-table-flipping-meal fiasco. Meanwhile, Mama is looking a lot like a bulldog who's pretty sure her bone is going to be stolen. So I'm guessing that the months between filming and the reunion haven't been spent in deep reflection over her spiritual growth as a person.

Miss Thang wants to know exactly what precipitated the over the top table-flipping madness. Low-Magnon furrows her brow in concentration and makes some "zzzz" sounds before explaining that "everything just exploded and she was done." Awesome. Her insight is breathtaking. However, she totally recommends that whole table flipping thing to put some spice into a sex life, because afterwards the Juice was finally turned on, and she means really turned on. Mercifully, before she can launch into a graphic description of wild neanderthal/weeble sex, Miss Thang brings up the question of whether it was appropriate for Nina's kids to be in the room for the book confrontation.

The Manzo/Laurita woman must have been taking some polls at the local beauty shop and discovered that Nina's decision to leave her children in the room for the confrontation has been wildly unpopular with the viewing public. Mama Manzo and the Diva are jumping all over Nina for bringing the book to the dinner and then pulling it out in front of her children. Nina points out that she didn't actually say anything inappropriate unlike Low Magnon and the Diva. But none of the Mean Girls are going to admit to any inappropriate behavior of their own. This is about Nina being the bad guy, while they're the good guys, and there's absolutely no possibility that every last one of them is crazier than a rat on crack.

Those flowers are an insult to my family.

Nina explains that her decision to keep her children in the room is part of a master plan to prepare them for any situation in life, which is why she is sending them to spend the next year in the Middle East. Seriously, these girls are going to be totally qualified to work as producers on the Jerry Springer show. Miss Thang points out that Nina must have known that her girls were going to see a knock down, drag out fight. Nina shrugs and tells him that maybe she thought the presence of her girls would keep the women from exploding. Cool. I think everybody should have a child or two to act as human shields.

The Diva points out that, while Nina didn't actually say anything inappropriate, the contents of the book and therefore the very presence of the book was inappropriate. After all, the Diva never talks to Lexi about kidnapping or prostitution. Well, almost never, all those diatribes about the dangers of Greece don't really count.

It must be hard to remember what was shown and what wasn't when you're in the heat of reunion lies discussion.

Mama Manzo starts blathering on about how Low-Magnon and the Juice were nice enough to extend an olive branch to Nina and, instead of making olive oil, Nina threw it back in their faces. Because Mama knows that inviting Nina to her dinner party was an act straight out of the overflowing generosity of Low-Magnon's heart. After all, it takes a really big person to invite a universally despised guest to a dinner party and suspend all judgement, while entertaining them with an open heart and good intentions. And it would have been really impressive if that was what had actually happened. However, inviting a universally despised guest to your dinner party with every intention of continuing to despise her during and after the event, all the while expecting her to appreciate your super fake efforts to temporarily tolerate her, just doesn't have the same panache. Especially when you throw in their klassy whispered exchanges, not to mention sending texts about her to their spouses, while sitting directly across from Nina.

We were prepared to pretend to be nice to your face and you threw it right back at us.

Nina points out that none of the Mean Girls were coming anywhere near her so she really had no other opportunity to address them as a group about the book. Mama Manzo leans forward and, with the utmost sincerity, lies. Damn, she's good. She sounds completely reasonable when she says that if Nina had wanted to talk about the book the Laurita/Manzo women would have been totally happy to trot right over to her place for a cozy cup of tea and a heart-to-heart, just-us-girls kind of chat. Nina turns her face to show the eyebrow that's frozen in a state of perpetual surprise and says skeptically, "Really? Because when I asked Jacqueline if I could get everybody together she said no." Jacqueline says that she doesn't remember that particular conversation, but I'm officially taking everything she says with a grain of salt. Not only is Jacqueline wedged between Mama and the Diva, she's a week away from her due date and I'm guessing she's having trouble remembering where her feet are.

OMG, I haven't seen those in weeks.

It's starting to get a wee bit tense between the Mean Girls and Nina Van Ho, but Miss Thang has an entire hour to get through and Bravo doesn't keep him around just for his pretty face. Nope. Miss Thang's a pro, and like any pro she's all about drawing out the tension. After promising the ladies that the time for blood will come, he moves the convo to a safer topic; that being bubbies. According to Miss Thang, the Bravo site has been completely flooded with questions about bubbies, as opposed to boobies. Which, of course, leads to a flashback sequence of the Mean Girls playfully flashing, flaunting and flirting with their enhanced mammary glands. Poor Nina, she's totally left out of the bubbie bonding. And, really, the only time she tried to bond over bubbies was when she asked if she could borrow the Diva's own pair of uber-siliconed twins. Unfortunately, the Diva was not amused by Nina's awkward attempts to frolic and instead of bonding the Diva resorted to a frigid little smile before beating a hasty retreat.

Now that Low-Magnon is a silicone carrying member of the big bubbie club, Miss Thang is curious to know if the Juice is still an assman. I totally take this as a polite way of asking if silicone has the power to turn a closeted man into a raging heterosexual.

You can't expect a man to change over night.

Other news on the Jersey bubbie front includes a painful story about Nina Van Ho's implant mishaps (which goes a long way toward explaining her distracting breast misalignment), and the Diva's life-changing decision to get a breast reduction, despite her husband's obsession with humongous bubbage. After all, it is important for a woman to recognize that fine line between tasteful and tacky when it comes to artificial parts.

Or spontaneous hand gestures.

Speaking of husbands, Miss Thang takes the opportunity to fire off a viewer's question concerning the whereabouts of the Diva's MIA spouse. The Diva gives a little shrug, bats her eyelashes and says that Tommy doesn't really exist except in her twisted mind.

Is it too much to ask to have one sane housewife per show?

Haha. The Diva is just kidding us. Her husband really exists, he just doesn't want to be part of the show. Wow, what a concept; a person choosing not to whore themselves out for fifteen minutes of self-destructive fame. Of course, this leaves the question of when the Diva and her husband see each other, especially if the cameras are following her around 24/7. No problem there. I guess it's easy for a marriage that revolves around the breakfast table plus one date night a week to avoid being filmed. I'm feeling kind of bad for the Diva. In the immortal words of Vicki Gunvalson, this is a woman whose "love tank" has got to be a little low. No wonder she's turning the charm in Miss Thang's direction.

Scared in the way that only a gay man can be scared when a buxom blond female is eyeing him like a piece of candy, Miss Thang strategically turns his questioning to the other side of the room. Addressing Low-Magnon, he asks her how she feels about the majority of homo-sapien viewers considering her to be a wee bit over the top. Low-Magnon's mind must be working at warp speed because it takes her almost no time to come up with the brilliant suggestion for Miss Thang to ask "everyone" about that, because Low-Magnon couldn't possibly know what everyone is thinking. We're treated to a touching flashback of Low-Magnon's daughter, Gia, working toward a career as a possible and very probable trashy d-lister, followed by Low-Magnon displaying her talents as a cash dispenser.

Somebody needs to smack this woman before she lapses into a coma.

Miss Thang wants to know how long Low-Magnon and the Juice have known each other, because, seriously, you have to wonder how a cave person and a closet case could find true love. It turns out that Low-Magnon and the Juice have known each other their entire lives. In fact, the Juice's father was in the hospital when Low-Magnon was born, which leads to a mind boggling array of speculation. Especially when it's revealed that, despite being friends with the Juice's parents, Low-Magnon's mother continually warned her to stay away from him. Of course, to be fair, this could have more to do with a prejudice against inter-species breeding than the possibility of the Juice and Low-Magnon being half-siblings.

Miss Thang moves on to another viewer's question concerning Low-Magnon's definitive statement that living in someone else's house is gross (except I think Low-Magnon actually used the creative term skeevy). The viewer points out that Low-Magnon needs to remember that millions of other people are not as lucky as she is and ostensibly her remarks could be construed as both insulting and a tad bit insensitive. Low-Magnon is quick to say that she wasn't speaking of other people she was speaking for herself because "other people may not be very cleansing." In case you're wondering about her use of "cleansing", she also offers up cleansily and cleansiness as new adverb/adjectives.

Don't you hate it when a tricky word like "clean" is on the tip of your tongue and your stuck trying to search for that great teleprompter in the sky.

Boy, poor Low-Magnon isn't getting much love. Not only do the viewers object to her use of a seventies word like "skeeve", but they're also all over the issue of her being a possible stage mother. Before Low-Magnon can marshal herself to launch into another incoherent defense, Mama Manzo and the Diva jump in to protect her. They both spend some time gushing about how Gia really, really wants to be a star, and how with her amazing talent eventual super-stardom is inevitable. Of course, it's equally possible that she's just another histrionic personality disorder blossoming out to bless the world. Luckily, with the advent of Reality TV, there's still plenty of opportunity for her to be a success.

Being crazy worked for you, right?

Miss Thang takes the opportunity to promote some hate between the NYC and New Jersey housewives by reading off a critical statement from JZ's blog. JZ is worried about Low-Magnon's overindulged children developing into troubled kids. Is Low-Magnon worried? Not so much. After all, Low-Magnon's cavedaddy gave her whatever her little heart desired and she turned out great. In fact, Low-Magnon is pretty sure that she's fabulous.

Bless her furry little heart, everybody needs at least one fan.

Andy turns to Jacqueline and points out that she's the first housewife to have a baby and, if Bravo gets really lucky, she could have it before the day is out right in front of their cameras. Jacqueline doesn't look too thrilled at the prospect, but she's willing to share that the baby is a little boy named Nicholas. Miss Thang looks a little hurt, like maybe he was hoping that she'd name the new Laurita/Manzo after him. We're treated to a flashback of the Let's Humiliate Ashley show followed by Jacqueline's struggle to conceive. In her swollen to the point of exploding, raging hormonal state, it's not surprising that Jacqueline is reduced to a flood of tears. Seriously, who puts a woman in her last week of pregnancy through this kind of emotional rollercoaster?

"I get a bonus every time I make a housewife cry."

The Diva is quick to point out that the Laurita/Manzo family has been there with Jacqueline all the way through her struggle with her miscarriages. Miss Thang takes the opportunity to ask if the momentarily impending birth of baby Andy Nicholas has healed their relationship. The Diva says that they healed because they are a family, but Jacqueline is looking a little less convinced. Of course, that might be because she has a baby swimming around in her tummy frantically looking for a way out of the darkness.

Bravo can wish all they want to, but this is a woman who's determined not to unglue her knees until she's far away from the cameras.

Miss Thang surreptitiously glances at his watch and decides that it's time to get back to the real drama. Specifically the troubled relationship between the Laurita/Manzo women and Nina Van Ho. The Diva offers that the viewing audience might be laboring under a misconception about their avoidance of Nina. Their reason for not hanging out with Nina doesn't have anything to do with her being a piece of garbage. After all, the Laurita/Manzo clan is friends with a lot of pieces of garbage. The real reason that they don't want to hang out with Nina Van Ho is because of what she's been doing to their family. You know, by being friends with Jacqueline and having that nasty book written about her.

Nina takes the opportunity to ask if she was the reason that the Diva and Jacqueline stopped talking, and Mama Manzo suddenly goes on the alert.

Yougoddasumthintosay yousayidtome!!

Uh Oh, this must be treading on some dangerous territory. Mama Manzo is working up a sweat in her rush to keep Jacqueline from answering any of Nina's questions. The official party line is that until Nina's arrival on the scene the Laurita/Manzo clan was one big happy exclusive club. However, since the advent of Nina Van Ho (AKA the Devil) everything has gone to Hell in a hand basket. Not only is the Diva on the outs with Jacqueline, she's also on the outs with her brother/Jacqueline's husband, Chris.

And then everybody got sick and locusts are crawling all over the house.

Jacqueline isn't quite buying into the whole 'Nina Van Ho purveyor of death and destruction' image. She manages to squeeze a sentence in between Mama's rants to say that she and the Diva's relationship had issues before Nina came along. I can't help feeling a little bad for Mama. She's obviously more of an old school 'don't air your dirty laundry in public' believer, which has to be quite a strain when your being filmed everyday for weeks on end, by people looking for scandal.

Miss Thang takes pity on Mama and turns to Low-Magnon reminding her of her comment that the Juice gets along with everyone, BUT what about that whole incident with the dance instructor? In case Low-Magnon has forgotten about her husband's totally despicable homophobic nastiness, she gets to see a flashback just to remind her. I totally love the irony of Low-Magnon saying that the one thing she can't past is Nina having disrespected her husband, when the Juice just disrespected the entire gay population.

Miss Thang asks Nina why she got upset about the Juice's anti-gay slurs, which should give Nina a moment to shine. Unfortunately, the wretched woman is unable to restrain herself from taking advantage of any opportunity to portray herself as a victim. She starts sniveling about how painful the Juice's nastiness was to her personally because her best friend is gay. Low-Magnon does her feeble best to come to the Juice's defense by starting to explain that the Juice wasn't calling the instructor gay, he was just calling what they were doing gay. Before she can finish her statement, she has the totally awkward realization that this doesn't make the Juice look that much better. Switching approaches, Low-Magnon starts gushing about how her husband grew up with gay friends, who knew they were gay, and he loved them.

C-L-O-S-E-T

Mama and the Diva jump into to defend the Juice from these pesky accusations of homophobic slander with more evidence of his love and respect for gay men. Low-Magnon adds that the whole thing was really the fault of Nina Van Ho for creating drama out of the Juice's harmless remarks. And, there you have it; the three popular girls have explained away the entire incident just like they were in the principal's office. Mama has given Miss Thang her charming smile, and the Diva has fluttered her lashes in his direction. Clearly this should be enough to convince the most stalwart of men that the episode was just a big misunderstanding, and the Diva is nothing if not confident when she smiles and says happily, "Next question, Andy Cohen."

Nice try, ladies. This ain't Miss Thang's first time at the rodeo. She's been dealing with batshit, crazy, manipulative housewives for a long time now, and she's not buying what your selling. Miss Thang says frankly that, as a gay man, he found the Juice's comments offensive.

My hero for the day!!

The Jersey's housewives jaws collectively drop and Low-Magnon's expression becomes dazed as she tries to process what just occurred.

*&%^$#@#$@%#%

To give her credit, Low-Magnon does manage to apologize for her husband, saying that he did feel really bad after he saw the episode in question. You've got to wonder if by bad she means guilty, hypocritical or both.

Jacqueline has been quiet throughout this exchange, probably in hopes that if she doesn't say anything everybody will just forget about her. Sadly for her, Miss Thang is just pacing himself. Turning in her direction, he brings up the common perception that Mama Manzo walks all over Jacqueline. Both Jacqueline and Mama quickly deny this, as Miss Thang grins like a maniac. Oh boy, he's got a rumor to share and it's a doozie. Apparently there was an incident between Mama and Jacqueline when punches were thrown. Surprisingly, the "ladies" confirm the rumor. Even more surprisingly, it was Jacqueline, not Mama, throwing the punches. I'm telling you, this entire group of woman is f-ing nuts!! They ALL need to be sedated.

If Nina Van Ho is the craziest woman out of the bunch, I honestly believe Mama Manzo is a close second. I really think she's channelling the spirit of Marlin Brando. We get to watch a flashback of Mama moments, culminating with her stating with a full on Joisey accent, "Let me make something perfectly clear; before I like you, I don't like you." Awesome. We can always use a little more paranoia in the world.

There's a slew of questions regarding Mama Manzo's attitude toward her children involving issues like strip clubs, and the role of her son's future wives. I sincerely hope for everyone involved that when Mama's sons are ready to get married they figure out a way to transport some women from the 1950s. While Mama waxes poetic about the role of woman/mothers/wives, Nina makes a totally pathetic attempt to bond with the Mean Girls over the whole Italian mother thing. Totally. Awkward. Nina gets all enthusiastic over the role of a doting wife and the Mean Girls do their best to ignore her.

I'm telling you, I could make your son happy.

Miss Thang tactfully moves the conversation away from the topic of marriage to a topic only slightly less inflammatory. Are the Laurita/Manzos real life Sopranos? The women deny the charge as a group and the Diva explains that the only reason they get accused of having mob connections is because they live in New Jersey. Apparently everybody in Jersey gets called a mobster on a regular basis. In fact if the women lived in Ohio, nobody would ever suggest that they have mob connections. Because in Ohio it's really common for contractors to pay for everything with stacks of hundred dollar bills, for families to be best friends with people indicted for mob connections, and for relatives to be murdered under horribly grim/mysterious circumstances.

Uh Oh, Mr. Brando is taking over Mama's menopausal, middle aged body, and treating us to a good old fashioned diatribe straight from the lips of the Godfather. He/she rants about their family being beaten up and tossed around by the accusations of mob connections and, without pausing to breathe, moves on to the history of her father-in-laws death, her husband proposal to her on the night of her father-in-laws death, and the family business being built on blood, sweat and tears. Her eyes are rolling around and her expression would put your run of the mill serial killer to shame. Mama dares any one in the media to make allegations of mob connections because she will go "head to head and toe-to-toe with anybody" that says her family is involved in organized crime. You know, I can't help thinking that the threats that these women are constantly making probably aren't helping their image a whole lot. Generally speaking, people who aren't criminals don't make a lot of threats.

Mama goes on to talk about how difficult it is for her family to have to relive the unusual circumstances of her father-in-laws death. The Diva dabs at her tear filled eyes and says sadly that the people who keep bringing it up should think about the grandchildren who didn't know the story and didn't need to know.

Nothing ironic here.

Well, Gasmi, that's it for part one. I'm working on part two and I hope to have it for you in another day or two.

Massive hugs to everyone,

Yenta