This week on the hills, Human Blow Up Doll has a birthday...what is it, 65?I can't tell by your skin, which is a thin layer of makeup-coated latex. Kristin and Blah dead get into a half-assed fight, and Justin eats curb. Oh yeah, and Bulimia is a stupid, stupid bitch. Did I miss anything? Probably not. Insert Troll and Trendy restaurant.

This episode starts with a long, unsexy walk on the beach, Broahday and Kristin style.

Yah, we're just catchin' some waves, catchin' some STDs. Talkin' about life...

I love how all the dumb bitches on this show want to know the "status" of stuff. "Sooo...are you, like, broken up? Are you on a break? " I wish I could answer for everyone who gets asked that by saying, "well, my fake relationship is on hiatus, but if you mean am I available to fuck people on or off camera, that's a 'yes' as usual."

Then, they go through hypotheticals...like, what if we dated? Ugh. Come on, just fuck or not fuck, or pour a drink down someone's shirt. Do SOMETHING.

Broahday asks Kristin how long it's going to be before she "divorces" justin bobby. Wow, is that what marriage is like? Sounds...frizzy. And, borderline retarded. Kristin responds with her patented, uneffectual, SHuuT Up!

And cue "unwritten..."

And back to the house of marital bliss.

Enzo's dead body in the basement?

The first shot is a typical day in the Pratt household. I feel like i'm in a slutty time machine, taking be back to the slutty fifties...but also, dumber and more aryan.

Your drink, master.

Okay, maybe it's more Manson family than Dick Van Dyke. But these two would actually never be in the Manson family- Swastikas clash with Ed Hardy, right? Or do they? That's a question for Tim Gunn, if any.

Oh fuck, LBUD wants a birthday. A party, as a gift. And of course, Spencer gives her shit for her not wanting the house. And HBUD retaliates with 2.5 oz. of bitch. Off camera, she will be punished. She WILL be PUNISHED.

You can find HBUD's smile in the corner of the porno house, after it is hit off her face.

On the transition to the next scripted scene, a bar whore.

Hollywood. What's your dream?

At Casa Blah Dead, Blah dead pretends to fold prop laundry.

ew, clothes are hard.

Troll is there...to help?

Wow, they are totally both suckers for blue and white stripes, aren't they. Hahaha, girl talk is so much fun. But SERIOUSLY, vintage shows are fun. And SERIOUSLY, Broahday and Fetal alcohol are on a break. And, HBUD is actually making her husband throw her a party. Wow. OMG, what if Kristin is there? OMG? What if Justin is there? OMG, I have really uncomfortable irritable bowel syndrome. What? I mean, cute, like mini dress. Fuck, my pubic hair is falling out for some reason. What? no, that ring is totally cute.

Cut to pow-wow in studio fifty four, according to Kristin's top.

Smooches! WHERE'S THE BLOW?

Oh, Justin Bobby and Kristin are...chit chatting?

Maybe the shirt is tetris- themed?

Justin Bobby isn't going to LBUD's party because of Blah Dead. OH, who is the drama queen NOW, beeeyotch? Justin Bobby says Blah Dead is going to Befriend Kristin...yeah, you know, because she's so charming and witty.

Mah Jongg tiles?

Justin Bobby, though he isn't going to the party, is SOooooo not threatened by Blah Dead. But seriously, she's like nothing to him. He's just going to jerk off to internet port instead, but not because of Blah. No. I mean, where's my apps? I ordered mozzarella sticks.

Those are chicklets. Definitely.

At the house of slutty, vacant oppressiveness, HBUD has to set up for her own party. Surprise surprise.

Cups are hard...

HBUD thinks that Blah Dead and Kristin are gonna make up, while Spencer thinks they're going to fight and the fuck. I am going to have to agree with Spencer.

Ugh, if there is anyone who makes me want to fucking gouge my own eyeballs out, marinate them, eat them and then do the same ot my ears out of sheer self-loathing, it has GOT to be Bulimia. God, she. Is. So. Dumb. And, she's on her way to HBUD's Bday party with Blah Dead. Oh, Joy!

Blah dead keeps talking about how she hasn't seen anyone in like, FOREVER. Why? busy making C list movies and posing for lame photo shoots where they have to photo shop the dead out of your eyes? No, you don't have to answer that.

Blah tells Bulimia that she met with Justin, and that Justin said him and Kristin weren't really dating. Of course he did. God, when are they going to realize this dickhead is...well, a dickhead? I know, a question for the ages.

Then, I guess some bitches from Laguna Beach are at the party. YAWNSVILLE.

Spencer then presents his GENIUS present to HBUD, and prefaces it with "These are gonna be the only babies I ever give you!" Man, if these party guests werent borderline retarded/totally staged, I might feel awkward. Oh well...

And HBUD gets...some ugly dogs! Wow. Cherish them, or they will eat you if you die alone in your porno pad.

This looks like the to half of a playboy spread.

And then Blah Dead and Bulimia come to the party. Man, sticking with the theme of "dumb bitches in time," these skanks look like 80's call girls.

Still life of Skanks with Marigolds.

Then this ugly-hot drugged out dude hugs Kristin for a while. Do we know him?

Pussy breath.

I think HBUD is drunk because she's acting more idiotic and like a midwestern mom than usual. But so is Blah Dead, who has a...heart to heart? with Broahday. Oh! Then some fancy schmancy camera work!

Cue theme from "Jaws." Or, hey, why not "Single White Female?" Close enough.

I GOT MY MIND SET ON YOU

Kristin is slurring her words, so you know, she's ready to talk. Kristin goes up to Blah Dead, and they yammer away about that piece of trash Justin. Kristin goes on about how Justin wasn't really into Blah Dead, and Blah Dead uses her ace in the hole, how she had drinks with Justin Bobby and how he told Blah dead that he wasn't over her. And then? Sarcasm-ville! Oh also, Blah Dead leaving unclimactically. Man, I love how this super fucking boring woman is now a STAR.

And, that piece of shit drives a fucking gas guzzler. She should be shot.

God, I feel so fucking stupid after watching these piece of shit people interact with one another. Sometimes, I'll do some calculus after I finish my recap just so I can get my brain back to its natural level of functioning. Also, I'm awesome.

Back at Kristin's, Stacie stops by. You know, because I know I run errands in Malibu. It's cost-effective and convenient!

Kristin makes Stacie some yogurt and fruit (eating, what?) and they chit chat about the cuntiness of Justin Bobby. Finally, something I can relate to, ladies!

Kristin sees the obvious nature of Justin Bobby playing mind games with her about going to the party or not going because if she didn't go she wouldnt've found out about them hanging out but she did so Blah told her that they hung out and rubbed it in her face and good work. ladies. This session is going to result in me doing a LOT of calculus so that by brain doesn't resemble Yoplait.

Oh, also, Kristin cuts a banana hard because she's angry. Oh, castration jokes.

At some other trendy restaurant, Troll acts all suburban mom and is "tweeting." Yeah, she says it really affectedly like a forty year old woman would. Wait, is she forty? Her troll-like features might hide her age- I'll be alert. Then, Blah dead recounts the whole Kristin debacle at HBUD's party and man...I don't even think I can recap this fecal matter posing as conversation. Blather. Just, same old shitty shit shit.

So, let's try Kristin's run in with her pal Justin Bobby. He's looking a lot like a slightly hotter boy George...

or coal miner. Whatevs.

Kristin accuses Justin Bobby of being back with "MISS Audrina." I love how when a woman on this show thinks another woman is especially shitty, she'll call her Miss. Then, as Kristin starts to talk, Justin cuts her off with "I know." What? Okay, we get it. He knows. He just wants to know what she knows, and then he'll insinuate his constant corresspondance with Blah Dead. God, this fucking dickhead should be shot twice: once for stealing old clothes from the L.A. historical museum and second because he's a giant, giant dickhead.

Derrr....

But maybe he's high? He tells Kristin to mellow out and then uses weird, indecipherable vowels and some gutteral sounds. Or hey, maybe he's just stupid. Probably a precarious mixture of both. Then he says how he doesn't want to start the Blah Dead cycle of dead-eyed doom, but also doesn't trust Kristin. Oh hey, Justin? I think there's a shaft that needs mining. For gold. Maybe a job as an extra in an indiana jones movie.

Justin tells Kristin that she can't trust and she's had a lot of "strikes," whatever that means. I also sort of feel like I'm watching a foreign film with shitty, shitty subtitles.

"If I see a pattern, I move on."
"What is your motive?"
"I'm done."
"I deal in confusion."

Hmmmm...and Kristin is done. I guess. She leaves Justin at said trendy restaurant, sulking.

Someone raided my high school theatre's costume department!

And this person also has the acting and verbal skills of...my high school theatre department. Until next time, chode.

NEXT TIME: The same old shit.

Time to slaughter the donuts.

The Angry Hedgehog

Irina smiles big as she tells us what she's learned from all the silence in the apartment: people would rather you talked shit behind their back. Duh. As Kathy Griffin always says, "it's called MANNERS." Minnesota is still here, which is just inexcusable. Making it worse are his eyebrows, which are now waxed completely to his temples. He's turning into a koi fish right before our very eyes.

Minnesota can't believe he's the last boy standing. I'll wait while you guys argue with the TV, pat him on the head and aw and pout and tell him he's super talented. No one? Ok then let's move on. Gordana Flinstonehausen is psyched to be here for the last challenge and wants to make herself proud as well as her family and all the potato farmers in Bosnia. Their last pat on the back occasion was the invention of tater tots, and that was a long time ago. Not that time can diminish the stunning impact the tater tot has had on our world.

We are clued in that something has changed today when Fat Whore Heidi comes out dressed......not like a clown or a wet newspaper. She could actually go out in this!!

All I can see are silver Bermuda shorts. I think that's gonna take a long time to leave my head.

For the last challenge, they are being sent to a place rich in culture with priceless views. I already used a PeopleofWalmart picture, so I'll just leave that one alone.

The designers go to meet Tim at the Getty Museum and, our boy launches into a spiel about being embraced by Los Angeles. Oh, Tim. You're new here. Los Angeles embraces you and then calls you fat behind your back. Don't fall for it! He's with today's special guest, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Ugh. Only an out of towner would celebrate this douchebag. Tim's car will probably hit a pothole on the way back to his hotel and he'll rethink this move. I wonder if this was shot before or after this cover was.

Carol Hanna thinks the mayor showing up is a sign that this show is very, very serious. Because it's really hard to get mayors, especially the mayor of the vainest city in the country, to show up where there are TV cameras. And how much of our tax dollars were spent on the five pounds of lipstick he's wearing? Calm down, Mimi!

Tim tells them that they don't necessarily have to be inspired by art. They can use inspiration from the grounds and the architecture of the building instead. I predict lots of illegal gardener uniforms. The models will be on hand today as "muses", because four additional blank personalities will add to the show. Thank goodness. I was worried that this episode might not have enough "OMG LOL CUUUTE LIKELIKELIKELIKELIKE"s in it. I hope we get shots of them passing by the snack bar all horrified. The museum is gorgeous, and it will be amazing to see how these designers take majestic art and turn it into bland cigarette pants for old ladies who work at Saks.

I smell a muumuu!

Carol Hannah is stunned by the beauty, but her model is a little confused.

It's all so....old. What's the thread count?

Tim announces that they have thirty minutes to sketch, and the models all start running off like they just can't wait to whip out their crayon boxes. Stupid models. The grounds are within the boundaries of the challenge, and this is where Althea really starts to get inspiration from her muse. Even if it's a little on the nose.

Black and shiny.

Irina finds inspiration in a painting of a chunky pasty chick in a see through dress. I don't know if I need the see through part, but it's fun watching her try to make her model feel fat.

Life was easier before the word "carbs" came into play. This woman would be closet bingeing in 2009 and making tiny cuts on her inner thighs.

Minnesota doesn't bother trying to actually understand in the art. Instead, he focuses on the algae on the fountain outside. LOL. Gordana Jetsonhausen looks all over the museum for a painting of a potato, but when she can't find one she sticks with a Monet piece that reminds her of Europe. It's very grey. I'm rooting for Gordy to whip out something brill today and move on to the finals, but I have a feeling Minnesota has made a deal with Satan, and Irina's not the type to go back on a contract.

Over at mood, Gordana Smurfenhausen is predictably pulling lots of different greys, so she can "manipoolate" them into looking like the floor of a cathedral. The only thing Tim can scrunch his face at is Minnesota's green fabric. He asks "what is this?" disgustedly, and Minnesota moves his eyebrows five more inches apart and says "that would be an accent." Is MN throwing attitude? Snapple. Tim needs to be allowed to carry a switchblade.

Kiwi Teawi flavored.

Irina has found fur she likes. Tim says it looks like it came from a giant Scandanavian rabbit. Good! Another chance to make a cheap hooker fur. Glad to see everyone spreading their wings today. Like chickens. Back at the workroom, everyone looks really bored with Tim's sameness. Once he leaves, Gordy Griffinhausen tells Irina that Heidi will probably take points off for not painting a picture on her dress "cuss she vants to be leeterally?" LOL Gordy.

MN says that for a small town hack like him, coming to LA and "performing" and then moving on to Bryant Park would be just UNBELIEVABLE!! Agreed. Not that small town people can make something of themselves, but that he can. The thought of it is so breathtaking that he tries to move his eyebrows back another few inches so we'll get it.

Althea's feeling super awkward and lonely cuz Gordy and Irina have become buddy buddy and MN and Carol Hannah are friends, which leaves her as a fifth wheel. But the feelings of loneliness have inspired her to leave her hair alone for a day, so I'm all for it.

Feeling like an outcast has saved your follicles.

Irina bitches that Althea is taking up three tables and she has to look at her ugly mug in front of her, behind her, and beside her so "her highness can iron." Althea asks Carol Hannah if Irina's being mean about the tables. Carol Hannah tries to stare straight ahead and mutters "what's the point?" Irina just gives them both dirty looks. Then a horde of wild boars stampede into the workroom and rip her limb from limb.

Gordy tells Irina that "da dogs dat bark done bite," and Irina giggles loudly and says that it's the cute quiet ones that bite your fingers off. You've gotta at least kinda feel a little bad for Irina, cuz you know that dogs who are generally nice probably have attacked her many times in the past and she's never been able to figure out why. I don't like that Gordy is teaming with this c word. How long will it be before she's cut off at the dimpled knees on the runway by her new bf? Concentrate on your floor dress and leave the witch alone, Muppetbabyhausen!

Later, at the apartment, Irina and Doratheexplorerhausen are play fighting and Carol Hannah tells them to stop. They insist they are just kidding and Carol Hannah says she doesn't wanna hear it anymore. Gordy gets up and snaps "too bade! We are note hear to serve you!" DANG! Where did my sweet lovable unintelligible friend go? I went from being in love to hoping she gets sent back home with a hoe and a bottle of ketchup.

The next day, Irina tells us that her family is from the Republic of Georgia, where women are not the breadwinners. Her dad is stressed that she's twenty six and looks thirty seven and doesn't have a husband. Poor guy's not gonna die very happy if that's what he's waiting for. Who would marry the witch you raised, man? Immigrant families always lose a little something when they move to America. In this case, I suspect that the whole "beat your children when they act like unbearable little trolls" thing went out the window. And does that really make better adults? No. No it doesn't. So my advice stands: children need to get hit. Thank you for your time.

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Minnesota. He's going with grey UGH from the fountain. Then he's gonna add algae and some paper planes. I'm not kidding. And I love that even his worst ideas are stolen from other people. Tim warns him against confusing the judges and MN smiles and proudly says "I do that a lot." I just press pause and sit back and shake my head. Deep Breath. And....play.

Tim finally succumbed to the lure of botox. I DON'T APPROVE!! I WANT MY SCRUNCH FACE BACK!!!

Tim loves the bed Carol Hannah was inspired by, but not the dress she's making, which looks nothing like the bed. He tells her that she's losing the sophistication. She needs to literally copy the giant feather powder puffs from the bed, for entertainment purposes alone. Irina's next, and she's making a Rami dress to pair with the same f ing thing she's made the past two weeks, but this time with worse fur. It looks like one of those things in Where the Wild things Are aged and became a medium priced hooker.

I can show you a good time.

Tim hates what Irina's doing. He calls the jacket roadkill and doesn't think the dress looks anything like the painting. Together they're giving him "a post apocalyptic moment." Irina gets oh shit face and Gordy goes into supportive friend mode.

AYLOAYL

Althea's going with the curvy outside of the building, but Tim's not impressed with the way she's texturing the dress. He is loving Gordy's grey grey grey and grey dress though, because at least it's following the painting. Spongebobenhausen gets all emotional and says that this painting is very important to her because she's super spiritual and the colors are angelic. I might fall for this too if she hadn't acted like a twat the first half of the episode. Tim loves it more than anything he's seen today, which means she will probably get sent home.

Models come in for fittings. Carol Hannah thinks that Althea's in trouble cuz she chose a fabric that puckers all over the place. MN tells his model that he's the wacky weird guy that doesn't listen and does whatever he wants so he can understand if she's scared. I think he's waiting for her to pat his hawk and tell him that no he's really super talented and reading books about fashion or learning things isn't important.....but she doesn't.

Irina takes Tim's advice and ditches the roadkill coat, deciding instead to concentrate on defugging her Rami dress. Althea thinks Popeyehausen is making a gorgeous dress, but it's too simple for the last challenge. Then she takes a moment from her own nightmare to build up her self confidence.

Girls, we're gonna get through this.

The next morning, God takes his phone off the hook and hides.

Please. Stop. Calling me.

Then everyone tells us how nervous they are and Scoobyhausen gets me back on her side with a mini-skirt. I've missed those knee smiles!

And....back in love.

Back at the workroom, time for model fittings. MN says that his dress encompasses who he is. I agree. Misshapen, ill fitting, and poorly made. All it's missing is a bad wax job and a tub of pomade. Irina calls out his false confidence. And next it's time to diss how shitty Althea consistently is. Then Will Smith finds a cure for cancer that turns her into a zombie and she eats herself.

Tim comes in and says that he wants them to blow Nina's stilettos off like she sat on a traffic cone. Runway time! Fat Slut comes out dressed like a really old period.

Today's guest judge is Cynthia Rowley! HOLLER! I love her and am still pissed that she got fired from Design Star for that hack Genevieve. Glad to see her looking better than ever. I hope she makes it through judging without getting a pink slip.

And wait! There's another guest judge! Cindy Crawford!! DAMN. This girl looks great. I really need to start eating stem cells for breakfast.

Kors couldn't even make it for the last show? COME ON! Althea is first, and her dress moves like a really shiny placemat. The top is just a piece of fabric that's tucked in. Ouch. Her worst of the season. Bad timing on this one.

Carol Hannah follows. Exact same fabric. WTF? They see what each other are doing right? The model looks like an insecure moth trying to squeeze back into its cocoon once it realized it never turned into a beautiful butterfly.

Minnesota's dress is prettier than his usual fare. The top is his typical Victorian era costume piece and the stiff cardboard dress never quite came together in the fit department so he just made a giant centerpiece to tie around the model. Ducktaleshausen tells us how her own work makes her teary because it's so spiritual. LOL. Did she just learn that word cuz she's used it 500 times today. Personally I think it looks like a road leading to nowhere, but some would say that's life and it's not where the road leads it's how you spend the time on that road. WOWEE it is spiritual!!

Check out the look Althea is giving Irina's dress.

HAHAHAHAHAH

Irina's dress looks like the woman in the painting moved to Los Angeles, lost sixty pounds, and lined her old clothes cuz she didn't have a waitressing job yet to pay for new duds.

Thanks, Lindora!

Three will be making it to fashion week! I thought it was four. Wow so that means MN and Althea will go, right? There I said it, so they're safe. Cindy calls Althea brave for her pleating and Cynthia thinks it's too ambitious. Having so many guest judges is bad because a judge really needs some time to live up to their full evil potential. By her third try, I'd like to think Cindy would curse like a sailor and throw up her stem cells all over Althea. Heidi calls it a mess fest.

Nina likes the back of Irina's dress but thinks the length is old lady. Cindy doesn't like the model's shoes and Heidi agrees and says the model would look better without all the accessories. So they make the model take them off, and now she looks like...the same ex fatty without jewelry or shoes.

Peasant Ex Fatty

Heidi thinks Dinkthedinosaurhausen's dress matches the painting, but Nina says that even though it's gorgeous it looks like she took no chances. Cynthia isn't into the big zipper. Nina whispers that it's better in the front. Why is Nina whispering everything and being so nice? She's scaring me. More than usual.

Cynthia compliments Carol Hannah on the fit of her dress and the rope-y shoulder. Cyndi thinks it's perty but not inspired by the art, and Nina whispers that it's too safe. Cynthia loves MN's top but the bottom is a stiff mess. Cyndi agrees, and Heidi says that he's super talented and asks if he's confident. Then he confidently smiles and launches into a poetic monologue about being inspired by the little things in life. KIDDING! HE CRIES!!

Pussy.

He says this piece speaks more about him than any other and that the other inspirations were art and he can see the beauty in a rock. Now he's sobbing and he hugs his model. GOD I HATE HIM. HE BLOWS get rid of his ass and hand him a roll of toilet paper.

Gordy is asked why she should go to fashion week and who she would take. She should go cuz she grew up raising potatoes. Oh wah fucking wah to all of you. It's not about your pathetic childhoods for chrissakes. Make things that don't suck. The end. Has anyone ever said "I'm here because I had a wonderful childhood and supportive parents and I've worked hard and enjoyed the ride?" No. No they haven't. Ungrateful little brats! She laughs that she would take MN because he wants it so bad. BOOOOOO bad reason! I want to be Julia Roberts really bad! And guess what? I'm Rue McClanahan instead! WAH ME IT'S MY PARENTS' FAULT! She would also take Irina because she's been consistent.

Althea says she's never been in the bottom and has the skills to make a great line. She would take Carol Hannah and Irina. Carol Hannah says that neither her sob story or her level of want should matter. She should go because she's good. GOOD ANSWER. She's talking very robotically and defeatedly. I wish she could focus that energy on a breakdown, cuz it's hard to root for a dishrag. She would take Minnesota because he's "different" and Althea because she's "provoking."

Irina cries (LOL) and says that she's from an immigrant family and she wants to prove that hard work can pay off. She has been called mean so she doesn't like to pick people to come with her (rriiiiight) but says she would take Althea and Transformershausen. Then her tears drip onto her cellphone and she starts jerking around, electrocuted.

Minnesota cries more and says that he hasn't had many opportunities for success, which would make this the big one. UGH poor you!! Fuck off! You're a young fairly decent looking white boy born with two hands and two legs. WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SORRY FOr yOu!!lsdfgaihgoqwirhg CAN'T. LET. GO. If we're gonna award stuff based on how shitty people have it, this guy should win the whole season.

The designers are sent off the runway to cry all over themselves in the back. The judges all agree that Althea was a mess today, but Nina sticks up for her in general. She calls Irina's work dowdy, and Heidi thinks MN's dress looked like a jean dress. Cindy thinks the main problem is he didn't even see what was wrong with his fabric choice. Heidi calls him a great designer again, which I just don't get. They all agree that Carol Hannah had the standout. Heidi loves Gordy's dress, but Nina doesn't like that she still has no clue who Droopydoghausen is as a designer. She's SPIRITUAL, Nina! Have you not been listening? The judges have clearly called out the worst work today as being Irina's, Althea's and Minnesota's. Agreed.

Irina's in!! She smiles, thanks them, and then trips on her way out, falls through the PR drop and strangles herself on it. MN is OUT!! HALLELUJAH! He doesn't cry because there's no reason to any more. Faker! GET OUT! Carol Hannah's in! Oh shit it's between Althea and Thecompletelymentalmisadventuresofedgrimleyhausen! There's no way they're taking Gordy over Althea....and they don't!! ARGHGHGHGHG. Man Heidi says that Gordy's work was way better today but overall they have reservations. I thought this was supposed to be judged challenge by challenge. How can they judge on consistency when only one judge has been there every week? That's some crap. Irina and Althea were both fuggles this week. WHATEVER. I haven't understood most of the season, so this week I'm just CONSISTENT! YAY I WIIIIIN!!!

Dingbatandthecreepshausen cries and says that she's proud of herself for getting this far and I don't give a flying fig what MN says, cuz he's crying and I can't look at his stupid face any more. Gordy and MN can keep their I'm poor sob stories to themselves from now on. All we learned today is that poor people are losers. Next week, the first week of the finale brings on the swine flu! Or something.

I'm with ya, sister.

The scene pauses and we're in the AV room at West Bev. Jazz-Hands fawns over his lady love/muse. He sees something in her eyes. Eye boogers? No, something full of pain, something real. Crusty eye boogers? She jokes that's it's her contacts bothering her. He warns her that she shouldn't joke about her "talent", unless she thinks his movie and he himself are a joke...he will not be ignored, Annie! They continue to blow smoke up each other's asses and then kiss. Blach! They need to knock that shit off.

Motherfucking Rumer Willis and the rest of the Blaze staff interrupt the physical expression of teenage love. Navid apologizes and tells them they can finish up what their doing. Jazz-Hands doesn't want to get in the way of "Woodward & Bernstein". Is Rumer Woodward and Navid Bernstein?

Navid gets down to business. He wants to run a story on prescription drug abuse among teenagers. Yawn. Isn't there a football game shooting going on somewhere in LA? Rumer's all for it but she thinks that Navid shouldn't have let his best source walk out the door. What's this you say? Apparently, her soccer player turned cracked-out friend gets her drugs from Jazz-Hands.

New power click, Liam, Simi and Straw-Hat, who must have gotten some notes on her diction, shove their burgeoning friendship in people's faces as they talk surfing, trash talk and joke with each other. Liam and Straw-Hat share a moment when Straw-Hat pours salt in Liam's drink. It's all fun and games until someone gets heart disease.

Navid, as he is wont to do, spoils the fun by coming up to them. He must be near-sighted cause he doesn't notice Liam sitting there until he's at the table. Awkwardness ensues. Liam leaves. Straw-Hat mentions that it was less awkward than their last encounter. Shut up, Straw-Hat. You just got here, OK?

Navid cries some more about having his heart broken. You know what's broken? That record of yours. Liam thinks it's best to be single. Girls in the world ain't nothing but trouble. Straw-Hat resembles resents that remark. No need to worry, Straw-Hat. Liam doesn't think you're a girl anyways.

Toothy's. Dixon arrives just in time; Toothy made chicken a la crazy bitch. She also rented a movie so they can't eat then watch, watch while eating, anything that makes it seem like they're a couple and not broken up, I guess. Dixon just kinda stands there with his mouth agape...like in every other scene. Dixon wants to talk. Toothy wants to talk without moving her mouth. Why the hell does she do that? More importantly, why is she on TV and I'm not?

Anyways, Dixon's wants to talk about the pregnancy and she suspiciously doesn't. He thinks they need to talk before time runs out. Time? Like say three months? Toothy's offended that he wants her to get an abortion. He wants to keep it real. (Yeah, now he does.) He's only a junior in high school and she's a grown ass woman. He mentions something about her having a career. Really, Dixon, now's not the time to joke around. She's keeping the baby. Her roommate will love that. Where is her roommate?

West Bev. Navid films a plate of sushi for what I'm guessing is a piece on school lunches. He gets distracted by the sound of guitar strumming in the distance. He walks towards it and it's...Borianna serenading him. My laughter drowns out some of the lyrics, but basically she's begging him to forgive her and take her back. Navid doesn't laugh at her but stares at her earnestly, which is even more comical. He calls her out on her bullshit and tells her to suck it. The countdown to relapse begins...

Matthews' Apartment. Jen walks in rambling on and on about her stupid, ugly shoes and fails to notice Matthews' date, the bartender from last episode. A couple snide comments, an evil look and Jen leaves.

Casa Wilson. Dixon arrives home and lies to Becky and Harry about surf practice running late. Harry doesn't think that has anything to do with the price of rice in China since the coach told him Dixon got kicked off. Dixon's cell starts blowing up with texts from Toothy. Harry and Becky want an answer. More texts, more yelling. He finally blurts out that he got a girl pregnant.

Credits. You interested yet? Yeah, me neither.

Back from commercials, Dixon, Becky and Harry all sit at the kitchen table in silence. When Dixon tries to speak, Becky shuts him down. She's shocked that he's been sneaking around as some cougar-in-training's cub. She also doesn't think he understands the severity of the situation. Becky, he's a mouth breather. I doubt he understands much. This becomes especially apparent when he says that his life won't change because of it and that he used a condom almost every time. Becky looks like she's going to crawl across table and choke him. He gets a text from Toothy about having cramps.

Toothy's. Becky and Dixon pay Toothy a visit. And whatta ya know, she's feeling all better. Becky tells her to rest and asks for the name of Toothy's doctor. Toothy doesn't think it's necessary to call the doctor...and the wheels in Becky's head start turning.

She asks how far along Toothy is. A month. And she's been to the doctor? Totally, everything's fine. And she's planning to keep the baby? Here's where Toothy gets all defensive. She tells Becky that it's none of her business and basically kicks her out. This is where I would point out that Dixon is a minor and Toothy fucking him is her business; business that the local authorities may find interesting. Something in the way Becky tells Toothy to take care of herself tells me that she's not going to just take it.

Matthews' Class. Matthews tells Liam he got an honorable mention in the essay writing contest he entered a couple episodes back. Liam tears up, gives Matthews a big hug and thanks him for being the world's greatest teacher. Or he just plays it off like he's too cool to care. Don't know. Stupid cable.

Outside, Straw-Hat plays hacky-sack. Simi walks up and makes fun of her skills and she responds by saying something about hackying his nut sack. Can you say nut sack on primetime TV now? Anyways, her mom hooked them up for some totally killer Hollywood party. Simi's stoked since I guess his dad doesn't hook him up. Unfortch, it's not Liam's thing. So Straw-Hat's gonna have to find another way to charm him. Perhaps playing hacky-sack with his nut sack?

Annie kisses Jazz-Hands goodbye. Why my cable didn't decide to black that out I'll never know. As Jazz drives off, Navid strolls up to Annie. He blurts out that Jazz-Hands is a drug dealer. He knows someone who knows someone who gets her drugs from him. Annie feigns anger and disbelief until she gets in her car and makes a face like she's adding 13,325,491 and 4,808,356.

Lush Lounge. Jen stops by to check out the competition or as she puts it check out the scene. She tells Ramona (Matthew's date) that she hardly recognized her since she looks much older up close. Yowch. Jen wonders if she's an aspiring actress or model. She's neither. Jen thinks Matthews is such a softy taking on a charity case like Ramona.

You know, I'm all for bitchy cunt faces, but Jen isn't interesting enough for that. CW, please get her off my TV.

Borianna's. Silver and Naomi stop by to check on her. Borianna lies comatose in bed. She thinks she's a terrible person and ruined the best thing that happened to her. She tells the girls about the serenade. They, surprisingly, don't laugh in her face but do suggest she go to a meeting. Borianna just wants the pain to stop. Hmm, I wonder how she could ease her pain, kill it, if you will. Something like a pain...killer. Where could she find such a thing?

Casa Wilson. After a good night's sleep and shower, Becky remembers meeting Toothy at the nail place and showing her a picture of Dixon. She correctly assumes they were already dating at that point. She thinks Toothy is weird and is lying about the pregnancy, call it women's intuition. (Episode title alert!) I call it being perceptive and not an idiot. Same thing? Discuss. Harry condescendingly tells her to stop even though he agrees that it doesn't make sense. She was right about Kelly, jackass. Maybe you should start listening to your wife.

West Bev. Silver and Naomi talk to Navid about Borianna. They think she's going to start using again and want him to get her to go to a meeting. No es Navid's problema. They pull the "you still care for her" card. The card that the girl in every relationship can't resist.

Beach Club. Matthews finds Jen and wants to know what she said to Ramona. Ramona? Oh right, the old looking charity case. Matthews wonders what the hell is wrong with Jen. Too easy. Jen has nothing against Ramona, she looks like she has a nice personality. Shout out? Matthews accuses her of being jealous. Nu-uh. Yeah-huh. If Jen sees other people, so will Matthews.

These are wretched, wretched characters. Also, these people have no chemistry and neither one is attractive. Uninteresting comes to mind again, as well.

Pink's Overrated Hot Dogs. In line, Jazz-Hands spews out a bunch of film terms he learned from reading Independent Filmmaking for Dummies. The point is, he's going up to the Hollywood sign to shoot some extra stuff. Annie's too distracted by what Navid told her and even more so by the big wad of cash Jazz pulls out. She asks where it came from. She responds to his smart-ass answers by bluntly asking if he's a drug-dealer. She also tells him that Navid told her. There goes the paint job on the Lamborghini.

As expected, Jazz-Hands freaks. He thought she was different. He thought it was him and her against the music world. Especially since he never doubted her integrity when everyone else was calling her a slut. So he dumps her, bangs his hand on the hood of his car and drives off. The real tragedy is that he throws the hot dogs on the ground. They may be overrated, but a hot dog is a hot dog.

Liam's. Straw-Hat and Simi burst in to that garage type place he keeps that thing covered by a white sheet in. You know what I'm talking about. He's working on a big, long piece of wood. Actual wood, you pervs. This secret project better have a huge payout and not be some stupid Seth Cohen type boat thing.

Anyway, Straw-Hat and Simi are there to take him to the party. Liam comments on the fact that Straw-Hat is wearing a dress and perfume. Please. She's wearing a tube dress looking thing and didn't even fix her raggedy hair.

Hollywood Party. Jen saunters up to her good friend Pharrell Williams who as of Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 8:34pm is dead to me. She introduces Matthews (as her boyfriend) and then Pharrell introduces him to the rest of the Neptune(s) and some chick named Rhea. They leave to "set up". Since Jen introduced Matthews to her "friends", he introduces her to his, Liam. Predictably, Jen lies, or rather she says they met once at a party but nothing more, and Liam leaves. I bet someone's regretting deleting a certain recording.

Borianna's. Borianna, still comatose, gets a visit from Navid. She apologizes...again. He tells her of Silver and Naomi's concerns and tells her she should go to a meeting. Will he go with her? Hell to nah! She crumbles like a piece of blue cheese. Pathetic much, Borianna?

Hollywood Party. Liam stops in the middle of telling Simi and Straw-Hat a (boring) story when he spots Naomi and...that blonde guy. What's his name? Justin? Jason? Jamie! He goes over to the bar to get some drinks. Straw-Hat asks Simi what the dealio is with them. Had she not started at West Bev the day she joined the surf team, she would know the convoluted details of their tiresome union. Simi suggests she help him forget. You know you totally like him Straw-Hat! Then he busts out a piece of paper to play MASH. She's gonna marry Liam, drive a BMW and but she's gonna live in a shack and be a garbage woman.

At the bar, Jen rolls up to get on Liam's last remaining nerves. They're going to run into each other time and again so she thinks they should be civil to each other. Liam sees through her and thinks she's scared of him. Why else would she be talking to him?

So the pattern is do or say something to Jen, she fucks with you tenfold. I figured it out, why can't Liam?

Coffee Shop. Becky sees Toothy at a table. Coincidence? I think not. Especially since Becky comes out a fightin' bitch. She tells Toothy that she later remembered meeting her at the nail salon. What a small world they live in that she would randomly run into her like that.

Toothy confesses remembering her and following her to find out what Dixon was hiding. She claims to have been devastated and takes a sip of coffee. Becky advises her not to drink coffee. There's so many things, like coffee, that are off limits now, maybe she should get a list from her doctor. Who's her doctor again? Toothy would rather Becky not get involved. Becky pauses, but cheerfully agrees. Oh, she's good.

Then Becky goes in for the kill and asks about the sonogram. It's funny how Toothy was able to hear to heartbeat when that's not audible until week 6. In other words, the jig is up.

Hollywood Sign. Jazz-Hands finds a raccoon-eyed Annie. She's there to apologize and tell him she believes in him. They hug and he creepily warns tells her to never doubt him again.

Hollywood Party. Silver and Naomi show their concern by partying without their severely depressed friend who just so happens to text Silver. Borianna's on her way to the party and Silver's on her way to check out the music.

Inside, Pharrell and Co. performed a song that contains the lyric "WTF, dude?", AKA the stupidest song ever written. HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING?! They wrote this! This show turns everything to shit.

Oh great, now we get shots of everyone "rockin out" to the music. Luckily, Navid shows up to again spoil the "fun". Simi apologizes...again. Navid hears him, but doesn't necessarily accept his apology. He appreciates Simi being straight with him, though, so there's that.

He meets up with Liam who encourages him to talk to some girls. If he wasn't convincing enough, Samantha Fucking Ronson tells him to go for it.

I hate this show. I hate everything it stands for.

Simi meets up with Silver. He's glad she showed up. Dealing with cancer patients can be tough. She's kinda over the whole cancer patient thing, at least for the night. He obliges and starts talking about his hair product. Flirty hair touching ensues.

Luckily Borianna shows up to see it...as well as the harem that has surrounded Navid.

YAAAAAAAAAWN...10 more minutes...I can do this!

Took Jen awhile but she finally thought herself up a way to get back at Liam. She tells Matthews that Liam had propositioned her the time they met at a previous party and that he propositioned her again tonight. Matthews gets upset that Liam would do that after he tried to reach out to him. Teaching: a thankless job. Who knew?

Casa Wilson. From here on out it's all a little fuzzy as that's what my DVR recorded. So from what I can decipher from the jumbled closed-captioning and the random audio, Toothy called Dixon to tell him she lost the baby. He's relieved, guilty, something the closed-captioning calls "ntwsr"...Harry starts to tell him the truth but Becky butts in. She tells Dixon that everything will be OK, but doesn't tell him about her encounter with Toothy.

Boo!

Back at the party, Liam bumps into Matthews who yells at him for hitting on Jen. In a surprise move, he doesn't charge after Jen and just goes home.

Back at Casa Wilson, Harry wonders why Becky lied to him. Yeah, I'd like to know why myself. She just couldn't bear the look on his face when he found out she was lying. It would break his heart. She tells Harry to trust her, for once in his goddamn life.

OK...what? That's the stupidest shit I ever heard, even for this show. Becky, I was totally on your side at that coffee shop. Now I hope Harry cheats on your stupid ass.

Liam's. Straw-Hat brings over Liam's goodie bag. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. She saw how upset he was when he left and wonders if he's OK. He's all right. Does he want her to go? Nope. They're quite the conversationalists.

She goes over to the thing in the white sheet. He stops her snooping by asking her what was up with the dress. Every once in awhile she likes to remind people that she's not a dude. He knows she's not a dude.

They stop long enough for Liam to tell her that he doesn't want anything serious. She calls him a girl.

Did we really need 2 whole episodes to get to this point?

Hollywood Sign. In the middle of kissing Annie and setting up a shot, Jazz-Hands gets a text and runs out to his car. He grabs some pills from the trunk of his car and hands them over to Borianna...but we already knew that 40 minutes ago.

Fin.

Shit? Meet Fan.

Hello, and welcome to the EXACT OPPOSITE of last week. I was so happy with everything after the last episode, so I kind of set myself up for it, but the stark, gut-wrenching sadness of this one bummed me out in an unpleasantly visceral way. The JFK-shaped shoe drops, finally, and everything starts to unravel. Duck and Peggy are still at it, and they win Best "Where Were You When..." Story. Pete and Trudy have become the realest couple on the whole show somehow while we weren't looking, and they sort of decide together how to deal with Pete's ever-weirdening position at Sterling Cooper. Roger's daughter gets married, and we watch him regain respect for his ex-wife while he comes to terms with the reality of his new one, but it's still Joan he calls when he needs real comfort. And then Betty breaks my heart.

"The point is, your father and I are both completely awesome, and neither of us can understand how our union resulted in such boring, whiny spawn."

Mona and Margaret Sterling are getting ready for the wedding, which is apparently closer than I thought, which means we're further into November than I thought, which means oh crap. Mona is so awesome. I'm glad we get to spend some time with this family every now and then. Margaret is still whining about Jane coming to the wedding, and is even whining about a pair of (admittedly ostentatious) zillion dollar earrings she gave her as a gift. "She's trying," Mona says charitably. "You always take her side!" Margaret huffs, which is a pretty ridiculous thing to say to your mother about the child bride your father left her for. "She's giving me advice!" Margaret sobs, and when Jane says things like "don't go to bed angry" or "dress sexy" all she can think about is Daddy. Which is pretty disturbing; I'm with you on this one, Margaret. She feels like everything is pointing to the wedding being a mistake. Oh dear. You don't know the half of it. Brooks' mom says that in India, if a wedding doesn't happen at the appointed time, they burn the bride. Mona: "Just because she went to India doesn't mean she's not an idiot." Ha! "Jane is coming, because your father's coming and he paid for everything. The bride will not be burned. Turn those earrings into a tea service or something." I demand more Mona! Margaret calls Roger, who, hilariously, is lying in bed next to the ringing phone yelling "Can someone get that?" When he finally gets it himself, he can only handle the whining for a few seconds before he asks to speak to her mother. "Tell the bride that everything's copacetic. We both agree that she's nuts and she should shut up." Ha! Mona translates: "Your father says that he's sorry, and that Jane will stay out of the way, and that we're both tired of the drama." Roger says that if she wants to cancel the wedding, fine with him, he'll take the deposit out of her inheritance. Margaret finally chills out enough to say she doesn't want to cancel, then runs off, at Mona's instruction, to eat something. "I'm not taking that dress in again!"

Roger says he didn't know about the earrings, and that in fact he'd forbidden Jane from contacting Margaret. Mona confesses she can't wait to get Margaret out of there. "Is everything okay?" he asks. Mona just laughs in response, and he laughs too, and it's cute. She's great. I mean, between Mona and Joan, yes, okay, I see the dilemma. But between Mona and Jane? That's a no-brainer, Roger, you dumbass. "Jane, get in here!" he yells, like he's talking to an errant child, and yeah, I think the whole "she might as well be your daughter" thing is starting to sink in for him a little. I mean, how many of these conversations must he have had with Margaret over the years? The kind where he scolds her for doing something he'd forbidden, and she responds defiantly by stomping her little foot and saying it's her house and she can do what she wants, then theatrically storming out in tears to hide in the bathroom? (Roger: "You better not have locked that door!") Seriously.

"You don't understand me! I'm going to my room to listen to sad music and write in my dream journal! Wait, am I the daughter or the wife?"

Trudy comes home to find Pete at the table dejectedly stabbing a fork at some leftovers, eating directly from the lovely casserole dish. Ha. "I got fired," he tells her, because he's kind of a drama queen. "Lane told me Kenny is Senior Something of Something Accounts, and I'm not," he pouts. "I'm Accounts Something." Oh dear lord that made me laugh so much. Especially since I, like many others around the intertubes, often think of Ken in terms of a single line he had in the pilot, when he was hitting on Peggy and she didn't remember who he was: "Ken. Cosgrove! Accounts!" I honestly want to call him that every time he's mentioned, so now I want to call him "Kenny. Cosgrove! Senior Something of Something Accounts!" When Trudy carefully asks him if he lost his temper, Pete says no, he didn't, and he seems a bit surprised himself. "I'm going to call Duck," he declares, and Trudy begs him to just wait it out awhile - they would have fired him if they'd wanted to. She kisses him on the cheek and snatches his casserole away. I love them. There, I said it.

Betty wakes to the sound of the baby crying and Don's empty pillow, but when she trudges down the hallway she finds Don in the nursery, rocking the baby to sleep. Aww, you may think, like I did, what a sweet adorable scene! There's a real partnership! He's not just pretending to try, he's really doing stuff! And she knows how much she means to him, now that she knows what he's been carrying around all these years! Awww! Yeah, well, hold that thought for a few minutes.

The next day Peggy's in her office chatting with Paul when she gets a call from "Mr. Herman." "Can you give me a minute?" She whispers to Paul. "No," he smirks in reply. It's Duck, of course, and he rattles off a hotel and room number. She discreetly tells him that she already has lunch plans, but he's like "It's been three weeks! You can have a Monte Cristo!" Well, I'm sold. Paul smirks even wider when he sees Peggy blushing as she hangs up. "I have to go to the printer," she announces. Paul: "I know a nooner when I hear one!" "You're disgusting!" Peggy huffs, as she heads off to her nooner.

Pete stops in to chat with Harry about the news that "Head of Accounts is going to Kenny and his haircut." Harry, being pretty much the entire television department, has a TV on so he can monitor the ads, but he turns down the volume to advise Pete. "I know it's not good," Pete sighs, as we watch the television turn quietly from soap opera to a "NEWS BULLETIN" screen. Holy mother of Christmas, you are fucking kidding me. "There's no future for me here" Pete laments, while we all go "THE TV OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE TV!" Pete observes that Harry sort of made up his own job, but there's nothing like that in his field. "There's marketing," Harry suggests, which is actually a pretty good idea, but OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE TV FOR CHRISSAKES! Eventually the rest of the office pours in to hear the first tentative reports of some kind of incident in Dallas.

Once upon a time, kids, when something was "Breaking News" it meant some serious shit was going down, not a press conference from Jon and/or Kate, or a low-speed Mylar balloon chase.

Down the block, Duck is watching too. But since there's no real confirmation that the President's life is in danger, he figures he might as well unplug the TV when Peggy arrives so as not to kill the mood. Classy.

Don storms out of a little pissing contest with Pryce - they're arguing over the new art director Don wants to hire but Pryce says they can't afford. He's already annoyed, so when he sees that there's a whole big empty room of ringing phones, he just yells "What the hell is going on?" Which might as well have been the title of the episode. The phones all stop abruptly, as they still do to this day when the system gets overloaded, and the sudden silence in the big empty room is incredibly, effectively unnerving.

Betty is watching and smoking at home on the couch when the bulletin comes in: Two priests who were with President Kennedy have confirmed that he died. At that moment Carla hurries in with the kids and asks if he's okay. "They just said he died," Betty whimpers, stunned, and when strong, stoic Carla gasps and cries, well, that's pretty damn effective. She sits on the couch next to Betty and lights a cigarette, two things we've never seen her do before. Even more effective? Sally, standing in the doorway, watching her mother cry, and coming up beside her, putting her arm around her shoulder to comfort her. Come on, people! It's not enough that I'm once again watching archival footage of one of the most horrible things ever, you have to do the "wise-beyond-her-years child comforts her mother" thing too?

"Did you give me a hickey?" a completely oblivious post-coital Peggy asks Duck, who responds by casually mentioning a news story that was on right before she arrived, and he's sort of curious about how it turned out. He turns the TV back on just in time for Walter Cronkite to announce that it's official: President Kennedy died at 1pm Central. Want to know what'll make me cry as much as or possibly more than either a weeping civil-rights era housekeeper OR a wise-beyond-her-years child comforting her mother? Is Walter Freaking Cronkite's voice breaking for a couple of seconds after he announces that the President is dead. Jesus. Hang in there, Walter, you have two more devastating assassinations to break before the decade is out, but then you get to talk to a couple of guys on the FREAKING MOON, so that's pretty cool, right? Sigh. Also, in general, Walter Cronkite. These days when terrible things happen we have to sit through ghastly animated graphics and dick pill commercials so we can hear about them from eleventeen channels of interchangeable overcoiffed failed actors and morning show DJs in pancake makeup. (I'm a little proud of how old that rant makes me sound.)

"Gramma Peggy, where were you when President Kennedy was shot?"

In 1963, however, everybody in America was watching the same weird-looking actual journalist read stories directly off the wires. Including Margaret Sterling, who is collapsed on the floor in her wedding gown sobbing to Mona that her wedding is ruined, because yes, that's exactly the takeaway message here, Margaret, is your wedding has been upstaged. Don gets home to find the kids in front of the TV. Betty hears him come in and they embrace like they mean it. "I can't stop crying," she says into his shoulder. Don, who looks pretty upset, for the record, wonders if the kids should be watching this, but Betty says they can't just keep it from them. He wants the pretty words for this but they aren't there, and he's sort of paralyzed. The best he can think of is to tell her to take a pill and lie down. "Turn this off, I'll make us some dinner," he tells the kids in his best Dad voice, but they don't even take their eyes off the TV. He gives up on that and sits in front of the TV with them. "Everything's going to be okay. We have a new President, and we're all going to be sad for awhile, and on Monday there will be a funeral." "Are we going to the funeral?" Bobby asks, and Don realizes that a quick pep talk isn't going to cut it this time. He takes Bobby on his knee and watches with them. Eventually he goes upstairs, turns off the radio next to a sleeping Betty and shakes out a few of Betty's Little Helpers for himself.

The next day Betty's in her robe on the couch, still watching. Don says it's almost 2, they should be getting ready for the wedding. "Really, Don?" He pauses and watches while they talk about Oswald. "He's 24 years old," Betty says in disbelief. She wonders if the wedding is cancelled, but Don says he can't call Roger to ask. They'll go into the city, and if it's off they'll have dinner. "Can't sit in front of the TV all day," he says. He seems to be genuinely concerned for her, and those of us who weren't around for this particular tragedy have our own memories of being catatonic in TV comas in the aftermath of 9/11 and Katrina until someone ripped us away for our own good.

The Campbells are also torn between the television and the wedding. "I don't understand this," Pete is saying. "Lyndon Johnson. More of the same. It felt for a second like everything was about to change," he adds, failing to notice that absolutely everything has just changed forever. Like Betty, Pete thinks it's stupid that they're even thinking of going, but Trudy, who looks FANTASTIC, says it's a work thing, there's a system, he's always saying that. "It's one thing to go and pretend like I don't hate them," Pete tells her. "It's another thing to go and pretend like the President hasn't been murdered." Trudy sits next to him and smells alcohol. "Have you been drinking?" Pete: "The whole COUNTRY's drinking!" He says the Sterlings won't cancel, because they're happy. "You should have heard some of the things people said yesterday." Trudy's mad now. "Like what?" He made a lot of enemies, things like that. "That's awful!" Trudy spits, genuinely horrified, some of Pete's anger rubbing off on her (and sounding a little bit like her character on Community, which you should be watching). Pete says the girls were talking about Jackie and the kids, and how she just lost that baby, and Harry was counting how many commercials won't air. "I'm not going," Pete announces. If Trudy thinks it's that important, she can go and say he's sick. Trudy thinks for a moment, then says, "No. You're right." She kicks off her shoes and settles down into the couch with him, curling up to watch everything unfold together, and frankly it's adorable.

"When did we become the most functional adult relationship on this entire show? Go figure!"

The wedding of course has not been canceled, and Betty is sitting miserably at a mostly empty table. Roger grabs the mike from the band leader and tells everybody to sit wherever they want, and hell, have both entrees, there's plenty for everyone. "Help yourself! I mean that; there are no waiters." Heh. Mona tells him the cake's not coming. "Shit," he says, grabbing her drink and downing it. I don't know why that's so funny every single time. Betty is staring off into space when goddamn stupid Henry freaking Francis walks in and her face lights up. Shut up, Betty's glowy face! Ugh! Every time I think we're through with him, there he is again, all creepy and smarmy. He hugs and kisses a young woman, who Betty is delighted to learn is actually his daughter. That actually might be more disturbing, because did we even know he had an adult daughter? What do we know about his family at all? But Betty is still all googly eyed for whatever damn reason. Sigh. Margaret, by the way, to her credit, is taking it all in stride, so good on her. Roger runs to the kitchen to see about tracking down a wedding cake of some kind and half the guests are in there huddled around a TV watching an interview with Oswald. Including Jane, who is literally clutching her pearls. I don't know if the giant industrial kitchen was supposed to make me think about RFK's murder, but it did, and I know what show I'm watching, so yes, it probably was supposed to.

Roger begins his toast by addressing Mona. "You're a lioness. And thank you for resisting the urge to eat your cub." Yay, I like that they're friends sort of. He says this could have been an awful day, but there they all are, watching Mr. and Mrs. Hargrove instead of watching depressing TV. "The adults, we wanted to be strong for you, but your hope is giving us strength." Etc. Everyone toasts and everyone dances, including Don and Betty. She's all distracted, and Don of course does not understand how such a thing is possible. "Everything's going to be fine," he tells her, like he's told her so many times already. "How do you know that?" She asks. By now, I think he knows something is really wrong. He responds with a big fat long serious kiss, which would probably work for me, but Betty isn't especially comforted. She's also glancing over at goddamn freaking Henry the whole time. Afterwards, Betty emerges from the ladies' room and looks toward the coat check, where both men are grinning across the room at her like she's the most beautiful thing they've ever seen. She looks at them like they're a couple of cute hats she's trying to decide between.

Bachelor #1 is the philandering father of your children who just came clean about the huge lie and painful secret at the core of his identity which he kept hidden from you for your entire marriage! Bachelor #2 is some random guy you barely know who felt you up when you were pregnant and you made out a couple of times but doesn't really have a discernible personality! How will you choose?

Roger gets home with a once-again-drunk Jane tossed over his shoulder. "He was so handsome!" She's slurring pitifully. "Now I'll never get to vote for him!" Which is funny, because oh my god, does that mean she couldn't vote in 1960? Because she wasn't 18 yet? Yikes. Anyway, he tosses her down on the bed and takes her shoes off like he's done this a million times. "You want me to cut you out of that dress?" he yells into her ear. "ZZZzzz," she responds. So he finds himself drunk, awake, and alone, and I'll give you seven guesses who he calls the first chance he has. He knows her number by heart, incidentally. Joan answers the powder-blue wall phone: "Hello?" Roger: "So what's new?" Ha! Joan laughs too. "Margaret got married today." "Poor thing," says Joan, and Roger gives the opposite of his toast: "Joanie, I wish you could have seen it," he says. "Oh my god, what a disaster." Joan says she's sorry, and after a couple of seconds of silence, Roger says he can't believe how quiet it is out there. "Not everywhere," Joan says. It feels like the world has stopped, but Greg's working in the ER, and people are still getting sick, and getting in car accidents, and having babies. Have I mentioned that John Slattery is just absolutely note-perfect pretty much every single second he's on screen? He's wearing the bemused kind of half-smile of a man who's been waiting all day to talk about something awful, and here he is, half a minute into this conversation and he's already hearing exactly what he needs to hear, from the only person he can count on to know what to say. "I had to talk to you. Nobody else is saying the right thing about this," he says sort of angrily. "Wow, you're really upset," Joan marvels. "What's that about?" Roger says drily. "Because there's nothing funny about this," Joan responds. Roger appreciates the irony as Jane's hand drunkenly flops into his lap.

Okay, so some things are always funny. Like drunk 20-year-olds ruining serious conversations.

Not funny: everything that happens from here on out. Betty's watching TV again, and oh right, this part. This bit of footage you've seen a million times of Oswald being marched out by police? The one where he too gets shot and killed by some crazy guy? Well, this one actually happened on live television while everyone watched. Betty stands up and screams after the shots ring out. "What is going on?" She wails desperately. Don, again, meaning well, and definitely sensing she's getting harder and harder to reach, tries to comfort her, but she shrinks away from his touch. "Leave me alone," she says, and storms out, like she's annoyed with him for saying it would all be okay and then failing to prevent Jack Ruby from shooting Lee Harvey Oswald a couple thousand miles away. What the hell kind of provider are you, Don? I get that it's been building up for awhile, but still, nobody can comfort anybody right now, so it's not like we can single Don out for not saying the right thing to her. She can, though, apparently.

Later, Betty wakes Don up from the couch and says she's going for a ride. Don says yes, great idea, get the kids, we'll all go get some air. But no, she says she needs to clear her head. And of course, she meets up with Henry in a totally classy alley somewhere. Sigh. She's so glad he could meet her. "Where does your husband think you are?" "I don't care. He's been lying to me for years; I couldn't be in that house." And yes. Good point. But why spend three weeks pretending, dammit? Why get my hopes up, and Don's? "What is going on?" she asks again, I guess to see if Henry has a better answer. "It will be okay," he says. Well, there you have it; that is officially the only possible way to answer that question. "We've lost a lot of presidents and we're still standing." She says she wishes she could believe that, but right now she can't believe anything. "Have you thought that there are other ways to live?" he smarms. "I'm not in love with the tragedy of this thing," he says, which may or may not be true, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what Betty's in love with. Anyway, the point is, he wants to marry her. I'm sorry, what? Betty for some reason does not say "We've been in the same room at the same time for a grand total of 20 minutes, and that's if you count this conversation! What the hell, dude?" No, she's all flustered and flattered and they kiss and it's gross and weird and awkward. And like, I get it. Of course she has every reason to be angry with Don. And I know the point is that this whole thing really did change everything, and it really did make people re-evaluate their entire lives, and she's been unhappy for so long, all she really needed was one little push. I just hope she bothers to wonder whether or not Henry, the politician, is any more honest about his motives than Don, the ad man. They're both career bullshitters, for heaven's sake, but only one of them is at home with your kids right now trying to prove he deserves you.

"I find it charming that it hasn't even occurred to you that I might be full of shit."

Pete and Trudy are in the same position on the couch we left them in, only they're dressed down this time, and he looks adorable in his trendy little black turtleneck. Pete, surprising me again, is disgusted by the Oswald footage. "The most wanted man in America, and there's no security. Why bother having a trial? Throw him over to the mob!" Pete's not going in to work tomorrow, it's a national day of mourning after all. "But you are going in Tuesday," Trudy insists. Then she thinks about it awhile. "Those people don't care about you," she adds. "And honestly, what's the difference? You did everything they asked you to do, but you don't owe them anything. You should start gathering your clients. They'll follow you wherever you go." Yeah! Trudy's on board the Duck train! If Pete gets in before Grey buys Sterling Cooper, he might even get to be Ken's boss. Hilarity is sure to ensue!

It's late by the time Betty comes home. "I don't even know where to begin," she tells Don. "I want to scream at you for ruining all of this, but then you'd try to fix it, and there's no point." Don looks terrified. "It's painful, but it'll pass," he says uneasily. She stares at him. "I don't love you." Aaiigiihhh! Why must you break my heart, show? God, I don't even want to watch this again. Don's face falls further. "Bets, don't," he says desperately. "You're distraught." "That's true," she says. "But I don't love you anymore. I know that. I kissed you yesterday - I didn't feel a thing." Aaiigiiiggh! Jesus! I mean, yes, okay, I guess she owes him some heartbreak. But still, aaiigh! Don doesn't know what to do with himself. "You'll feel better tomorrow. You'll see," he says lamely, in an attempt to end this conversation before he starts to actually believe it's happening. "You can't even hear me right now," she marvels. "You're right," he responds, visibly heartbroken. No magic words for this situation, huh Don? He shuffles around upstairs like a lost old man; it's just the saddest fucking thing. He falls into a chair and just stares at the floor. It's his worst fear! He didn't want to tell her who he really was because he was afraid she wouldn't love him, and he was right. Self-fulfilling prophecy maybe, but maybe Betty can't love Dick Whitman. Maybe the nice guy dinner-cooking Daddy Don isn't who she wanted. She wanted Don Draper, mysterious badass, not this guy falling all over himself to be good to her. It's awful. I've hated and loved and defended each of them over and over again, and they both have a list of flaws a mile long, which is why I've always thought they were a perfect couple in spite of themselves. So this is just really really sad.

I'm right there with you, Don. For some reason.

Continuing the theme of "This Episode Is The Exact Opposite Of The Last Episode," Don comes downstairs for work and looks eagerly at Betty for any sign that she is feeling less heartbreaky than she was last night. She is not. She won't even look at him. And the kids both notice.

The office is completely dark, and silent except for one typewriter. It's Peggy, of course - they always seem to run into each other at times like these. "What are you doing here?" Don asks. "I don't know," she says. "Aqua Net." And doesn't have to explain why - she just shows him the storyboards, featuring four happy people in a convertible. (Smarter people than I caught this when it first aired, and in retrospect I feel really dumb for not seeing it myself.) "What are you doing here?" she asks in return. Don: "Bars were closed." She asks if it's okay for her to watch the funeral in Cooper's office, and Don of course doesn't care. He's skipping it. He pours himself a drink in his dark office. Cue the saddest song in the history of the universe.

So yeah, I could talk for several more pages about this, and I know it could be easily argued that Don deserves every bit of heartbreak Betty can throw at him, but it's still incredibly sad. He finally came clean about this huge secret, and apparently he spent three weeks thinking it had made things better, but she just hadn't had time to process it enough to realize what it meant. And Henry! Their "relationship" is hilariously Victorian, and I suspect his "I want to marry you" motives are way less pure than the fainting-couch courtship she thinks they have. They don't know each other, let alone love each other. And however you slice it, it's just another fantasy. Trading one for another isn't going to make her any happier. And Don knows this is all his fault. I can't really muster any "so there!" feelings about his uppance having apparently come, even though I know he was in bed with a teacher this time last week. I never thought he'd leave her, and I never thought he didn't love her. And this isn't about the adultery, although it could be. It's about her having married Don Draper and finding out she lived with Dick Whitman. Whether or not he can find someone in between might make all the difference.

So next week is it for the season. Now that they've followed my favorite episode ever with the most depressing thing I've ever seen, I can't imagine where they can go from here, but I'll be here next week dissecting it whether it makes me smile or breaks my heart! (My money's on "a little from Column A, a little from Column B.")

And now we're at a tennis club. Hmmmm. Who on this show could possibly be preppy enough to spend his trust fund money on a membership here? Yup. Freddie. Also, what the hell is this, a Bret Easton Ellis novel turned movie? Is Jamie Gertz going to show up in the bathroom with a nosebleed? Is Robert Downey, Jr. going to have to become a prostitute in order to get his fix of good ole '80s-style blow?

Whitney tells Freddie that she's taking Roxy and Sam with her to the Hamptons and gosh, she sure does hope they'll get along. Yes. Let's hope for that. There's so much interesting drama that happens when people get along. Freddie says Harry only has a week before he goes to Nantucket (not surprising, and also -- barf) so he'll be down at the WASPpound tomorrow. Wheeeeee shoot me in the head.

Back in the NYC, at Milk Studios, which is of course in the meat packing district because nothing washes down a nice ground chuck like a glass of 2%, Elle magazine is having a photo shoot. Zee says that both Erin and Olivia have on really high shoes today, can they cope? He tells them they can change into sneakers. They all have a good laugh about it.

Zee explains that this issue is about bloggers and their style and accessories. So, a decade old hoodie, a 2 liter of Diet Pepsi, a can of Pringles, and a pack of menthols? Because I don't know about you, but when I blog, I tend to look like shit. Isn't that the point? Olivia is in charge of giving Q & A to the bloggers and asking them about their style, and Zee says he doesn't want to be all, Oh shoot "we should have asked these questions, at the end of the day." Then fire Olivia, maybe? Just a thought.

Sam is driving the gals down the highway to the Hamptons and I think Roxy is already drunk, which, I have to say, good for her, because that's totally what I would be doing. I'd be drunk all weekend if I had to spend it with the freakin' Fackelmayers. Roxy tells a story about how she once got so wasted that she got a tattoo of "the weirdest shit" on her "crotch" and doesn't even remember it. Oh, bullshit. I have gotten completely and totally wasted many times and I have never, ever done anything that I don't remember. And as such, I don't believe that actually happens. And by that logic, I don't believe heterosexual sex actually happens either. The gals car-dance to Mariah Carey or something and Roxy stands up out of the moon roof.

The house in the Hamptons is, of course, white. Freddie welcomes them. Harry's swimming, and after introductions, Roxy's like, "Have you guys been tanning?" And Freddie's like, "We went surfing," and then Roxy says, "No, you guys have been in the booth." Ha! Ahahahaha! Roxy's beginning to grow on me. Just a little. And, she's totally started drinking because she bitchily says she's gonna hang with the "Frankenmiles's." Ha! Ahahaha! Roxy's also really ready to party and really flirty with the Fackelmeyers, but you know who's not impressed?

Holy crap, why does MTV Online have like 5 minutes of commercials now? I might as well be watching cable, geez. Back at Milk, Olivia interviews Jane who blogs at Sea of Shoes. I think she asks okay questions, but Erin overhears and thinks she didn't ask enough (she did only ask 3 questions and no follow-ups, so yeah, she sucks). Also,

Olivia interviews Tommye Fitzpatrick about her fashion blog (fashionologie.com if you're interested. I'm not.), but the questions are lame, and Erin says they can't talk about the trends Olivia asked about because it's July not October. If you're in fashion, I'm sure you understand that. And then Olivia leaves because she's put in her 3.5 hours for the week. Erin's frustrated with her and complains to Glasses Girl about it, all, We're Elle -- we TELL people about fashions, we don't ASK people about them! Which is true. Erin then sits down with Tommye and starts interviewing her, the way it should be done -- casual, like a conversation between two friends. Man, Olivia just should not have a job.

Back at the WASPpound, Freddie and Harry are discussing Crazy Roxy! She's crazy! Freddie's like, "She's gonna punch somebody in the face tonight!"

Roxy and Whit are putting on makeup, and Roxy says that Sam doesn't like her, and Whit wants her to give Sam the benefit of the doubt. Sam talks with Harry and Freddie about Roxy, but she never says she doesn't like Roxy, she's just not sure about all the wildness. So they head out to the Lily Pond club, so named because you have to be lily white in order to get in, in the East Hamptons. Geez, can you smell the pretentiousness through your TV or computer screen? It reeks. It smells like CK1 . . . People dance and drink $14 bottles of Bud Light. Freddie tells Whitney as long as she's having fun, that's all that matters.

Freddie seems a bit concerned about Harry flirting with Whitney, and he has every right to be because apparently, he kissed her (Whit whispers this to Sam). But Freddie remains calm and collected:

Roxy, however, actually remains calm, and her face is like, I cannot believe I'm here with these douchebags. Word, Rox. And then Harry drops a big bomb on Whitney: Freddie has a girlfriend. Whit asks why Freddie's never with her, and Harry says that he probably wants it that way. Like the Backstreet Boys. Whitney grabs Roxy and says she's ready to get the heck out of Dodge.

The next morning, back at the WASPpound, Whit and Roxy talk it out and Roxy says Freddie gets away with way too much. Totally. Whit says it's kind of effed up that she heard it from his brother. Roxy's like, Call his girlfriend and tell her -- no I'LL call his girlfriend! Um, not to be That Guy, but first you'd have to get her number, and I doubt Freddie would give it to you.

Back at Elle, Erin gets a call from Zee and she and Olivia have to go to his office. Oooh, shit. Here we go. Zee asks about the cover shoot, and Olivia says she's concerned because "both girls said they loved shoes." Oh, dear. Zee is like, what did you ask? "Did you ask about personal style?" Oh, totally, Olivia says -- It's on her pad of paper . . . except it's not. But she DOES have it, she just has to go back and get it. While you're out, maybe you could get some professionalism and work ethic? Hmmm, sweetie? Throw in some preparedness too. Zee says that she did a "lackluster" job and he's "surprised" because she did such a "great job on the A to Zee column." Zee says that now they have to follow up with the bloggers. But wait, Erin says that they don't, because she interviewed them afterward. Erin tells Olivia (and Zee) that they were there for an interview and to find things out about the bloggers that people couldn't find out from their sites and by googling them (now, THIS girl knows how to do her job) and they can't be all, "Oh, we'll just follow up later." Olivia completely says, "Whatever, it doesn't matter." Again, in front of BOTH her bosses, and Erin is all, "It DOES matter, because I wouldn't have had to stay and do your job, essentially." And then? Eight seconds of silence. Like, literally. Eight seconds. Zee tells Olivia that he has to depend on her, and he can't walk away and say, "I'm not sure that she got it. And you're here because I believe in your taste, your eye, your passion for fashion . . . so, don't disappoint, just do it."

The chicas at the WASPpound go to the pool, and Roxy's like, "I'm not speaking to you Freddie." He asks what happened, and Roxy says, "I don't know ladies, what happened now?" And Whit's like, Harry told me you have a girlfriend. And Freddie literally says, "But . . . I don't know." Ha, what?! Roxy reminds us all about the Fantabulous Freddie Fackelmayer Freakout, and then she says that Whit doesn't always stand up for herself (in other news, the sky is blue) and wants to make sure that Whit's being treated right. Whit says she doesn't need a mouthpiece, and then it's quiet for a while, and Freddie goes, "I should have told you guys." Ha ha ha, what?! Geez, what a d-bag! Sam laughs because, well, she should because it's all just so stupid, and then she's like, "Let's go," and the girls leave. That whole thing was just . . . it was weird, right?

Next week: It's all about work drama! More Olivia/Erin/Zee drama, and then Whit and Roxy bring their personal lives to People's Revolution and The Beast In Black? She is not happy with that. Like, at all.

In case you don't already know, I am shocked to tell you that we lost Clarissa and Louie last week. Louie, not so shocked, but Clarissa? Yes, she totally sucked, but I thought she had enough of a fan base in the key demographic (25-34) to keep her around at least longer than Michael Irvin. I figured it would be him and the dwarf to go in the double elimination. Are there that many Cowboy fans around here? If he wins this shit, I'm so moving to Canada.

Tonight, we face another double elimination. Really cutting away the crap now, aren't we? Because there are only 7 couples to dance tonight, and two hours of viewing pleasure to consume, the producers have come up with some shit storm of a team dance competition to "entertain" us.

Our couples will be split up into two teams. Team Douche-o, comprised of MethFace/Svetlana, Karate Kid/Lacey, Michael/Anna, and Mya/Cabana Boy will be performing a Paso Doble all together. Team Wango, including Kelly/Louis, Donny/Hatchetface, and Poopa Barbie/Ken Doll, will be performing a Tango. Each group will be judged as a team, and the score given added to their individual scores tonight. But we will be revisiting this later, let's get on to tonight's regular performances.

Or, let's not. More filler. Some of the pros are up to "show them how it's done" (thanks, Clever Tom) by dancing a Paso/Tango combo. Two of the guys I'm not familiar with, Tony Dovolani and Jonathan Roberts, who is married to Anna Trebicantspellhername. These people really are incestual. Worse than Donny and the Mormon Army, I'm afraid. ---- is back, damn him, dancing with his wife Edyta just to piss me off. Bastard. Rounding out the pros are Chelsie and Hatchetface. The dance is alright, I expected more from the professionals. Lots of walking around and posing, not too much actual dancing...so I suppose it's the choreography I don't like. Semantics.

After introducing tonight's couples via the Walk of Death (I'm just waiting for someone to eat shit down that stairway, so I can replay it and laugh maniacally over and over again), Clever Tom informs us that the "stars" were responsible for all of tonight's costume choices and designing. So, not only do they suck at life dancing, they are going to show us how much they suck at costume designing. Fantastic.

We also discover, no thanks to Boobs....

....that Lacey is out sick this week, or as Clever Tom cracks, is wearing a very convincing Anna Trebicantspellhername costume. Ha ha ha ha, CT. I now see how you got your name. So it will be Anna and Karate Kid tonight.

Before them though, first up to bat for the evening, or up to receive as the case may be, is Michael and Anna. Mikey did okay with a waltz, but still ended up in the bottom three and managed to survive a dance off with Stoner Dwarf last week to stay in the game.

This week Mikey and Anna have been assigned the fox trot. Anna thinks Mikey was a showman on the football field, so he needs to bring that energy to this dance. She also asks him if he can do debonair like Fred Astaire, and he says he is ready to try.

Of course Mikey chose purple satin for their costumes. I mean, really? So cliche I can't handle it.

As for the dance.....wow! I am amazed! Mikey did a marvelous job with the fox-trot. He was elegant, kept his posture up and carriage high, and even managed to look comfortable and might I say debonair while doing it. Anna did a superb job choreographing to his strengths. For a couple who just got a 19 two weeks ago, this is quite the turnaround. Golf claps, air kisses, and martinis all around

Even though we all know I am the be all, end all, top dog judge around here, I'm contractually obligated to tell you what the judges said. My homey Len tells Michael that at first this season, he just wanted to him to go home, but the waltz last week and tonight's performance have changed his mind, well done. Bruno, El Guano Loco (you do the translation), informs Mikey that his butt is still up in the air and he shouldn't forget the lessons of the nickel from last week, but again, well done. Scary Ann called Mikey incredible, applauding his costume choice as well as variety and personality in the performance.

As for the scores, Scary Ann and Len come through with 8's, but Guano Loco elicited boos from the studio audience with a score of seven, for a total of 23. However, Mikey and Anna are thrilled with this, their highest score yet.

Next up for torture are Donny and Hatchetface. Last week, in some of the creepiest and most ridiculous costumes I've ever seen, they slumped a little bit with a low energy jitterbug.

This week they will be performing the quickstep, which is either going to be really great or really terrible for Donny. He has the spastic energy to pull this off, but if he's having an off night, it will fall to shit quickly. Hatchetface is not worried about his footwork, but rather him keeping the upright posture necessary for the Quickstep, which is difficult with the intense steps. To help him, she brings a posture bar into practice, which absolutely disgusts me in two ways...A-anything remotely resembling something used for S&M and/or other kinky bedroom practices anywhere near Donny Osmond is just sick and wrong; and B-he obviously was a bit too much into it, as evidenced here.....

Please, let us move on to the dance. Never thought I would hear that come out of my mouth, but whatever. Donny's costume choices are as plastic as he is. The suit he chose for himself is appropriate, I suppose, but her dress looks like I Dream of Jeannie threw her dress in a wood chipper, then patched it back together with a Bedazzler. Seriously. The dance wasn't much better. His footwork and timing was off, and he was lacking serious energy. For a quickstep, I thought her choreography was a bit slow and very vanilla.

Guano Loco gives Donny a very backhanded compliment, telling him that he is such a good performer that no one noticed his many mistakes. Burrrrrrn. Very good, Mr. Loco. Passive aggressive tendencies are one of my first lessons to you, sweet scary man. Scary Ann calls Donny out on five different mistakes she saw, and he agrees. She says it was good, but not his best. I definitely should have cut Len off earlier, because he has nothing but praise for these two.

After the scores have come down, Donny and Hatchetface end up with a total score of 24, 8's across the board. Pretty meh for these two. Donny's totally cruising into the finals on the cougar vote and bribes from the Church, he doesn't even need to try.

Up next is Karate Kid and Anna Trebicantspellhername. KK here started the week in NY with his usual partner, Lacey. She showed up to rehearsal, however, to sick to continue and had to go home. My opinion? She didn't look very sick. Hungover, PMS, a cold, maybe. But she wasn't near death like Ken Doll a couple of weeks ago. The word on the mommy blogsstreet is that Lacey either wasn't really that sick and totally flaked on KK, or she was really sick but too stubborn to let Mark work with another partner until the last minute even though she was too ill to go on. Either way, Lacey is really falling off my girlcrush list fast, and HappyHusband says that's okay because he thinks she's not cute and wouldn't be that great in a threesomeisn't that great of a dancer anyway.

So after Sucky goes home to feed her cats and play WoW, poor Karate Kid is left without a partner. In steps DWTS pro, Tony Dovolani. This guy seems like he should be doing kegstands at Theta Kappa Epsilon, not ballroom dancing for a living. Interesting. Frat Boy happened to be in New York at the time, and has come to help Karate Kid not fall too far behind while Sucky is busy sucking. They look just precious dancing together....

...but The Mouse is never going to allow same sex ballroom dancing to occur on primetime in this decade, so when Sucky decides she cannot come back....

Anna steps in. Because it is only 48 hours before showtime and everything is a hot mess, she decides to do all new choreography. Apparently it wasn't new to her, because it looked like she stole it from the fifth grade dance recital she choreographed as a favor to a girl she went to summer camp with. Seriously, one of the worst routines I've ever seen. And while Mark definitely did not dance well, even if he had been perfect it would still have looked like a steaming pile of shit. They danced to "Switch" by Will Smith, for fuck's sake. He was doomed from the start. I think Sucky effed things up royally, but instead of subtly giving him a free pass into next week as a courtesy, the producers took it as a chance to get rid of him and make their top five that much neater.

The judges prove my theory, just tearing him apart. Scary Ann says she has compassion for him and only having 48 hours with a new partner, then proceeds to rip him apart, saying it was terrible. Len says he feels bad for KK because he had a difficult dance and a terrible week, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Guano Loco rants about Planet of the Apes and Kung Fu Panda. It's unintelligible, but harsh nonetheless.

Scary Ann and Guano Loco are total assholes and put up sixes. Len shows some understanding and gives them a 7, totaling 19 for the week. So not cool. The guy was put into an impossible situation. I think KK is a total nerd, but he seems like a nice dude and did not deserve to get assassinated.

From lame to flaming hot, we move to Cabana Boy and Mya. Last week they got their lowest score since week one with a scattered jitterbug that did not impress the judges. This week they have been working on a Fox Trot. Mya thinks this may suit her, a glamorous, elegant dance. To get her into character, Dmitry has Cloris Leachman stop by for inspiration. Ok, Cloris Leachman is one hot bitch, and definitely super cool. But inspiration for an elegant fox trot? I think not.

I'm still undecided about Mya's future as a dancer, but she at least has very good taste-the deep red and cream costumes are gorgeous and perfect for the fox trot. The dance? Pretty good. Cute, and well danced. Mya did well, Cabana Boy is the one I have a bone to pick with...he needs to challenge her more. She is so talented, and his choreo has been so lame lately. This could have been much more intriguing.

I think I need to hold Len's evening meds, because homey is losing it. He trashes Mya and CB for using gimmicks....

....even though all they did was pose in front of a screen at the beginning, and the end of their performance. Not exactly props or train conductor's outfits...I don't see what the problem is. Len has got it out for these two, and I'm dying to figure out why. Suggestions? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Guano Loco adamantly disagrees, comparing Mya to old Hollywood starlets, saying she looked beautiful and danced like an angel. Scary Ann then totally forgot her lines and accused Len of smoking crack. Then realized what she did and tried to cover by saying..."not that there's anything wrong with that." Stupid Guano tried to jump in with a funny, saying Scary Ann was confusing him with Andre Agassi, and that fell flat on the floor.

Len proves how much he hates Mya by giving them a 7, flanked by 9's from Scary and Guano for a total of 25. Ouch. Vendettas are a bitch.

Now, to add a narcotic induced euphoria to the evening, here are our coke dealers good friends MethFace and Svetlana! Round of applause for NA's latest dropouts!

Last episode, MethFace shocked us all like a hot defibrillator with an astoundingly elegant waltz. MF says it is so rewarding for him because he is working SO hard.

Tonight, Methie and Svetlana have been handed the jive. Again, this could be perfect for Methface, a chance for him to harness all of his highfrenetic energy. To help him with that, Svetlana takes him to a gym, where he works with a trainer on plyometrics. I don't know how much this is going to help him. Plyometrics is a type of exercise that improves power and speed in athlete's movements. Just because someone told you you take Olympian sized hits, doesn't mean that you are an athlete, dear MethFace.

Plyometrics must help tweakers too, because this jive rocked. MF totally kept up with Svetlana, which is saying a lot, because girlfriend was working it like the rent-to-own furniture bill was due. Great, great, high energy, creatively choreographed routine. Methie was a little creepy in the face, but didn't let down the furious pace once.

Let's see what the crackheads, apparently judges thought. Guano Loco screamed that MF kicked ass! To the galaxy and beyond! SMH. Scary Ann compared him to a RoadRunner, then complimented him and told him the dance was great, his best performance ever. Len commented that it was wild, but it was clean, it was fast, but it had control. He teased that he is tempted to dust off his "10" paddle.

MethFace and Svetlana manage to pull out a 29! Scary Ann was the only holdout with a 9. I cannot believe Len would seriously give Mya and CB a 7 but MF and Svetlana a 10. This shit is soooooo rigged, peeps!

From uppers to downers, we move on to Kelly and Louis. Last week, Kelly performed a jitterbug that was very meh, prompting Bruno to describe it as "beige". Kelly is very distraught, she says it is because she was called beige, but I'm guessing she's out of pills.

Pretty much the entire rehearsal/personality segment is just one big meltdown by Kelly. I felt like I was watching my three year old at naptime when I tell her that no, she can not take a bag of licorice to bed with her. Total Nuclear Meltdown. She was having a tantrum because she felt all this pressure and that Louis was being too hard on her. She should consider herself lucky she's partnered with Louis and not me, because I would have smacked the shit out of her and told her to put on her big girl panties and deal with it.

Their performance is overshadowed by Louis' pants at first. Holy shit. Kelly designed him teal pants made entirely out of fringe.

As it goes on, it reveals itself to be good, much due to the fact that Louis is literally manhandling Kelly around the floor. While Louis is probably well versed in manhandling, it doesn't look like Kelly is even capable of performing some of the moves without Louis whipping and shoving her into place. He kind of just puppets her around, but to her defense, she's really good at letting him lead and making it look purposeful yet natural.

Scary Ann calls Kelly up to the podium so she can suck face with her. She might as well suck her ass, because that's exactly what her compliments are doing. She says it was great. Len says that this was the first time her confidence has been spot on, but her dancing still needs to come up a notch. Guano Loco must have had a party in his pants, because he jumped up on the podium to shake his ass for a few minutes before praising Kelly as well. Why are these judges sucking up so much to Kelly? Are they hoping Sharon will dance next season? And Ozzy after that? That's all I can think of, because they totally favor her.

They continue the love fest by giving the couple 8's all around, for a total of 24. Wow. Forget about objective judging on this show. I guess that's somewhat oxymoronic, but one can hope.

Although, at least I like Kelly, unlike the next trick up for show. It's Poopa Barbie and Ken Doll. They have been tasked with working a romantic rumba tonight. Poopa is worried about how this will go, because she does not see Ken Doll in a romantic light whatsoever. We then see an actually hilarious dream sequence of Ken Doll imagining what it would be like to be in a romance with Poopa, complete with her in bikini, running down a beach and everything. Ken Doll does a good job of making fun of himself, dreaming of kissing Poopa while actually making out with himself in a mirror. He must have gotten the Humor Upgrade while in for service two weeks ago.

Because I am unable to actually say anything remotely positive about her, I can report that Poopa's costumes were not terrible, although I despise flesh colored nylon that is supposed to look like you're naked when you're not. Either have the balls to go for it, or cover it up, you know what I mean? None of this in between shit.

The dancing was not terrible as well. Poopa still has the personality of one of my kid's baby dolls, but Ken Doll makes up for it with his manufactured charm and very smart choreography. He seamlessly covers all of her flaws with his strengths. I better watch it, I'm almost starting to crush on dear Ken Doll.

Len, I think, liked the performance, but gave the most ambivalent judging I've ever heard. Guano called Poopa a love goddess, and I'm thinking he was watching a different show. Scary Ann didn't even bother actually critiquing the dance. She commented on the costumes and said she enjoyed watching them, but didn't actually say anything about their dancing. Not rigged at all, promise.

Predictably, we get 9's out of all three judges for a total of 27, putting them near the top, trailing only Meth Face and Svetlana. After all individual performances are complete, the leaderboard looks as such:

Team Douche-o is, well, douchey from the beginning. Mikey tries his best to get his team to rally, but Svetlana and Sucky are too busy having a pissing contest to see who is the biggest skank. MethFace is worried too many cooks in the kitchen is going to ruin the dish.

At the second rehearsal, Sucky is out sick, so Anna #2 is stepping in, which proves to make things run much smoother for the Team of Douches. They are determined to stick together as a team and hold it together for a slamming routine.

I had never considered "I Hate Myself For Loving You" as a song for a Paso, but I like it. The dance begins with a group sequence, then a solo from each couple, ending with another group sequence. Everyone does well. Mikey, the least skilled of the bunch, does very well. The Paso suits him well. The best was definitely Mya and Dmitry. Their footwork and spins were the shit. The group sequences were a bit elementary, but clean.

All of the judges agree with me, Scary Ann adding that Mark redeemed his earlier disaster with this routine. The judges bestow 8's on Team Douche-o, meaning that each couple will add 24 points to their individual score.

We see Team Wango convinced they have the upperhand, as they have less couples....meaning less egos to deal with. They are also happy with the fact they have two of the strongest dance couples, Donny/Hatchetface and Poopa/Ken Doll, as well as a huge fan favorite in Kelly/Louis. The pros on this team were very smart, deciding that instead of fighting, they would work together to choreograph the whole routine out first, then teach a finished product to the stars.

All team members, including and mostly Poopa, try to convince us that Team Wango is a team and if one of them fail, they all fail. You know Poopa would throw any one of those team members under a bus if she thought it would help her, but for now, she is a team player.

Blown away, guys. I knew Team Wango would be way better than the douches, but they definitely outperformed my expectations. Louis and Ken Doll are arguably the best choreographers on the show, and Donny and Joanna two of the best dancers. All three couples were in total sync, and the solos were outstanding. The opening sequence even included the bitches fighting over Donny. Well done, Wango.

The judges are thrilled, Scary so much so that she spanked the pros for adding a lift, which is apparently a no-no in the tango. Len praised their constant hold, which is what makes the Tango a difficult dance, and said that they were far superior to Team Douche-o. Guano screamed about something, I took it to be positive because he wasn't flinging shit.

Scary Ann and Len score a 9, and Guano Loco ups the crazy by awarding them a 10 for a grand total of 28 to be added to their individual scores, crushing Team Douche-o.

With the team competition over, our final leaderboard looks like this:

Alrighty, my Gasmic Darlings! Another show in the books. Who do you think is dancing for their lives on the results show, and potentially going home? Stay tuned for Flipit's pic recap to find out! See you next week loveys!

Love and Bubbles, HappyHousewife

It's monologued by this guy....

It's gonna take more than this head of hair to save this sinking ship, although it's a good start.

The Chief gathers everyone around the assignment white board to discuss a new change that he has implemented. Instead of everyone writing in their surgeries, a computer will randomly assign them. This will avoid favoritism and hospital politics. Der is instantly skeptical and asks everyone if they are sick of all the changes. The Chief interuupts him to remind him who's boss, and that this change is sticking so deal with it.

We then randomly see Pixie doing this as Karev walks in.

Trying to incite the obvious building sexual tension between Karev and Pixie.

Karev and Pixie's daily sexual argument is interrupted by Yang who asks Karev if Izzie has confirmed her cancer treatment which is scheduled for this week. Yang, did you miss the whole smashing of the phone incident from last episode. Izzie isn't exactly being the best phone buddy. Karev is sure that despite being a shit wife and a terrible wig model, Izzie isn't an idiot and she won't miss her treatment. Pixie randomly calls Karev a douche and walks away. Why not just pull his hair Pixie, wouldn't that be easier?

Derek is reviewing scans alone when he is joined by a nurse named Isaac. Isaac has scans he wants to share with Derek and puts them on the board. Derek is shocked by what he sees, as it appears to be a spinal tumor that is so large Derek concludes that the patient is either paralyzed or dead. Isaac contradicts him by saying that in fact those scans belong to him, and he wants Derek to operate on him. Derek says he would love to operate on a tumor like this, but it's impossible and would never be allowed.

Turns out that Isaac's scan wasn't the only secret he had up his sleeve. He lets Derek know that he specifically became a nurse at that hospital to meet McD after months of research on who is the country's best neurosurgeon. He not only wanted the best...but the riskiest, and after marrying Meredith, Isaac knows that there is nobody braver, nobody riskier, than Derek.

I mean, come on....that's a brave groom.

One by one all the doctors get word of Isaac's brain tumor. They join Derek in the MRI room as he reviews the scans. All of them are blown away by the size of the tumor, but even more than that, they are shocked the Derek is even considering such a monumentally dangerous surgery. Lexie tells them about a similar surgery that took 17 hours and involved four rotating doctors and one fortunate intern whose only responsibility was to administer fluids. Yang calms Lexie down reminder her that she is on Derek's service and that this tumor has her name on it. Suddenly cardio doesn't look so glamorous huh Yang?

Derek finds Bailey looking over the scan. She is also in awe of the gargantuan tumor and calls it the Great White of all tumors. As a friend she tells him she would love to do that surgery, and that a surgeon could retire on that kind of tumor. She is almost passionate about the tumor as she tells him how dangerous it is. But dangerous like Edward Cullen, not dangerous like H1N1.

On the other end of the spectrum is the Chief who gives it a big thumbs down. He does not condone the surgery, and tells him that this type of surgery is why hospitals get fired. The on-going power struggle between the Chief and McD explodes when Derek calls the Chief out on being scared. The two of them argue, and the Chief puts his foot down telling him that the tumor is inoperable and that the answer is no.

We then cut to him telling Meredith that he booked the surgery and that he is taking the tumor out. What's the only way to make McD sexier? Make him a bad boy.

And I just got a little hotter.

Back at the hospital, Derek has all the residents gathered for a medical audition for who gets to join him in the marathon surgery. He has set up a precision test that one by one they all take to see who will join him. Yang sits back and confidently talks shit to the others as she waits for her turn. Jackson is up second to last and he nails it. McD is impressed as Yang strides up to take her turn. She quickly bones it and the surgery is assigned to Jackson. Yang looks on stunned and devastated.

Sloan, Torres and Arizona confront Derek as word of him going rouge has spread and they all have different reactions. Sloan thinks that he's doing it to rebel against the Chief. Torres thinks its bad ass, and Arizona is afraid and doesn't want to know any more about it. Lexie finds Derek with a bone of her own to pick. Everyone was paged to the skills audition except for her and she wants to know why, since she is her sister. Sister? Really? Your half, kinda sister, married-kinda this guy via post-it. I don't know that I'd start buying brother in law Christmas cards just yet.

McD assigns Lexie her own super special assignment that he picked out just for her! Instead of getting to be apart of the surgery, she gets to be his Doctor. He needs someone monitoring his fluids and his well being, and that job goes to Lexie. This totally sounds like when parents make up fake jobs to shut kids up from being annoying. But it is Lexie, so it seems fitting. After getting her super special assignment, she finds Jackson and gloats about her assignment for the surgery.

Jackson laughs it off telling Lexie that it sounds like she's McD's bitch, but uh....have fun with that. He pushes the knife in a little farther when he tells her that it sounds neat. She tells him that even he will need her help, as at some point he'll have to pee. She says this as she takes a swig of her drink and Jackson is like, yeah I stopped drinking an hour ago but have fun playing nurse, dumbass. Lexie looks terrified at this realization.

Does this mean I should stop bedazzling my Special Helper nametag?

Yang finds the terrified Lexie pondering over a diaper in a private room. Lexie instantly mortified and swears she wasn't going to use it, she was just thinking about it for the super long surgery. Yang is impressed and demands that Lexie wear the diaper. Yang thinks it makes her hardcore and like a NASA doctor. Yang also dates a guy that strangles her in her sleep, so uh....maybe not the best confidante.

A large butted and uncomfortable Lexie joins Jackson and McD as they wheel Isaac past the chief who is showing board members the new computer system. McD threatens to fire anyone who says anything to the chief about the rogue surgery, including Isaac. They make it past him without getting caught, and are ready to go AWOL.

Before the surgery, Derek tells Isaac that if he gets inside the body and sees that he can't get the tumor out without paralyzing him, he's going to stop. Isaac then goes through all the people he has lost in his life, and it's literally.....like every single person he has ever known. He has also lost his country, his jobs, his car, the list really goes on forever. So basically losing his legs it no big deal. This guy has had some shit luck.

An hour in Derek gets into the back he sees that the tumor is worse than he realized from the MRI. He begins to try and figure it out.

Yang watches from above angrily jealous of Lexie having the opportunity to be hard core and pee in the diaper. She tries to explain this to the Major who can't get past the diaper. Meanwhile in the surgery, we are passing hour eight, and Lexie encourages Derek to take a break, or bend his legs or hydrate or something. While she is saying this, Jackson calls her out on the diaper and begins to make fun of her. Derek yells at them to shut up and threatens the next person that enters the OR to speak is off the surgery.

Meanwhile Bailey comes in to let Derek and his totally authorized surgery know that the Chief will be operating across the hall from him shortly, and since its been eight hours and Derek hasn't made a single cut or done anything....he might want to make a move before the Chief comes and catches him.

We are then treated to another we hate each other, but we are so obviously going to hook up soon moment brought to you by Karev and Pixie.

Yeah, can I call and order flowers in advance since I'm going to be hooking up with a co-worker the same episode that my wife with cancer comes back? Yeah? Awesome, thanks.

Torres, Arizona and Sloan are outside the Derek's surgery discussing it when they are overheard by the Chief. He catches on to the rogue surgery and busts into Derek's OR. He tells Derek to stop the surgery, which has now reached the 10-hour mark. Derek stands stoically as the Chief tells him of all the money and all the time he has wasted today. Jackson and Lexie watch on uncomfortably as the parents argue, unsure of what to do. After a few moments of silence, Derek concedes, more so because he doesn't think he can treat the tumor than the fact that the Chief is telling him too.

Derek meets with Isaac after the surgery and apologizes for not being able to remove the tumor without paralyzing him. Isaac understands and tells Derek they will try again tomorrow.

At home Derek explains to Meredith how he stood in the OR for 10 hours and did nothing. The two of them begin to discuss the tumor and Derek explains what it looked like inside. After being able to articulate himself, he pulls out a sharpie and begins to draw out the tumor for Mer on the wall. The two of them stay up all night discussing it, and while it's the most un-sexy pillow talk ever, it's very sweet.

If Patrick Dempsey had drawn on my wall as a laid in bed while I was in college, I could have aced med school too

Derek, Lexie and Jackson meet with the Chief with a plan for the surgery with Isaac. They tell him the plan, which involves cutting the chord. The Chief approves it and gives them a maximum of 2 hours in the OR for the surgery. Once he leaves McD goes Rogue the sequel starts. He has a new plan of what to do, but don't tell the Chief. When McD leaves Jackson is excited by how bad ass McD is, and Lexie is terrified. Jackson warns her to not wet her diaper, and Lexie defends her hard core diaper and tells Jackson to kiss her diaper ass.

Elsewhere the Major finally acts like a good boyfriend and gets Yang on a good surgery. It might take around 15 hours so she better suit up. We then see her and Lexie all puffy diaper assed walking proudly down the hall to surgery.

Congratulations, we finally have the most moronic storyline to date.

The surgery begins and it is intense. Sloan comes in to help watch over things and Yang watches from above on the phone with Meredith. At one point after a particularly intense scare that they were about to lose him, Derek throws up everywhere. Maybe it's because you haven't ate or drank in like 48 hours. Afterwards he looks like complete shit and Lexie forces him to drink water.

The Chief is roaming the hall, since when does he do anything other than sit in his office and pout, by the way? Anyways, he is roaming the hall when he sees the Major. The Major, who was kicked out of his OR for Derek's secret surgery is busted. The Chief is like, why are you here? And the Major claims that Torres had to take the OR, and guess who walks up just then? Torres. The Chief knows quickly he's been hoodwinked again, and I swear I feel like I'm watching Zach Morris outsmart Mr. Belding.

The Chief is just about to burst in until the final barrier stops him. Arizona calls him a bully and won't allow him into the room. He storms off and Arizona breaks down into tears by the confrontation.

Day becomes night as we reach hour 21. I'm sorry but I don't want someone cutting inside me who hasn't slept, eaten, drank, or peed in 21 hours inside my body. Is this real? I'm sure real doctors are too busy and important to read TVGasm, but I'd love to insight onto if this is accurate or not.

All of a sudden Jackson's hand begins to cramp up and spasm. Derek calls Jackson out on staying dehydrated so that Lexie wouldn't have a shot at the surgery. Jackson's hand won't stop shaking which is causing problems in the surgery, so Lexie gets to step in.

I'm so excited I'm peeing my pants, no really....I literally just peed in the diaper.

At hour 26 Derek has removed all of the tumor, there is one more cut he has to make blind. It's very red chord or blue chord moment. Everybody watches in anticipation because the right cut, Isaac lives and Derek has performed an impossible surgery, the wrong cut, Isaac dies after a 26 hour surgery. Derek makes the cut and everyone is on pins and needles about if the cut was right. Except for me, because this episode has sucked so bad there was literally no anticipation about it.

Turns out the cut was the right one. Shocking. Isaac wakes up, and the tumor is out and Isaac isn't paralyzed. Derek is a surgery God.

Holy shit....that hair and a genius. Tell me why you married Meredith again?

Meanwhile in the forgotten storyline, Karev has waited all day for Izzie to show up for her treatment and she didn't. But guess who is there to comfort him? I give him and Pixie 4 episodes and they will hook up just in time for Izzie to catch them during sweeps.

At the end of the episode the Major finds Yang trying again on the earlier surgery audition. The Major gives her some pointers and he nails it. They have a sweet moment, but I'm on board with the folks from the board last week. Let's bring back Burke. I'm ready for some hot Burke/Yang cardio action. The Major was a flash in the pan for me and now I'm over it.

And proving you can't teach an old dog new tricks, we find the Chief writing on the assignment board instead of the computer system. Chief, it's not the computer's fault that Derek did whatever the hell he wanted today. Ah well. Derek finds him there, to gloat presumably, in hopes that they can stop the fighting and move on. The Chief turns around and fires Derek.

Derek takes a deep breath and tells him to go home and think about it, they can talk tomorrow. Derek has gone straight up bad ass. He goes home to Meredith who is desperate to hear the story, but he instantly falls asleep. You don't get to be that beautiful without a little beauty rest.

This episode was such a snoozer. I get that we have two weeks of snoozers before sweeps but COME ON. Anyways, I do agree that I think we should bring Burke back., they won't, but they should. And Kim Raver? Is that a fact? She is like the anti-christ to any show. The only person worse in Lindsay Price and she has her own ABC show to ruin. Anyways, I predict the next episode to be crap, then we should have a two or three episode interesting story arc.

Till then!

Over at the coffee shop, Serena is discussing her new faux-beau, Patrick Roberts, with Casey. Casey tells Serena that her next assignment is to get Patrick photographed at the Vanderbilt election party. Is this supposed to be a representation of real life? You mean to tell me celebrities get involved with politics only for their own personal gain, and not because they actually care about the issues at stake? Hmm. Who'd have thunk? Serena tells Casey that it would take some major sexual favors to get into the Vanderbilt party after foiling Nate's plans to single-handedly win Tripp the election, and Serena has too much pride for that. Then, for about the 80th time this season Casey tells her that she needs to get the job done, or she's getting fired. This time I kinda believe that Casey actually would fire her if she didn't get herself and Patrick into the party. Let's face it Serena, you weren't hired because of your extensive resume, you were hired because of your almost unparalleled social connections, and if you can't get yourself into a party then you're useless. So you'd better flash those boobies the way we all know you can, and beg Nate to let you take a few pictures at the party, or you're getting the axe.

Back at the NYU dorms, Hilary Duff and HateHim Humphrey are blissfully enjoying each other's morning breath. Hilary makes a comment about Vanessa's absence, and wonders why she only spent 10 minutes in the room with them. Uhm, I dunno Hilary, but I'd venture to guess it's because she didn't want to witness your disgusting thigh bumping activities all through the night.

Dan tells Duff that Vanessa has been busy capturing the Vanderbilt campaign on tape for whatever documentary she's working on at the moment, but the only footage that he wants to see is Duff's appearance on Jimmy Fallon. She tells him that she's sorry she made him trek to the gelato shop, but she had a major craving for an iced treat. Dan tells her that he'll watch it online, but she says that she'd rather he watch it in HD, which translates to "please don't watch the interview because I probably said something incriminating about you."

As he's walking through the hall----OhMyGod a black person! Right there! How did this happen? I thought that the only black people the producers allowed on this show were that one Mean Girl and Vanessa's mother. You know, African-American characters strategically placed so that the show doesn't seem racist, but this particular cameo character doesn't seem planted at all. Curious...

The guy tells everyone to clear the way because "Bathroom Boy" is coming through. I don't get it...

At the Bass Hotel, King Bass is giving Nate a tour of the suite which will be of use to Tripp and his staff during election day. I should also add that Nate's manbangs have made their well deserved return. You know Gasmii, I'm starting to think that I can see into the future: I asked for Eric to get a plotline, and BAM last week they gave him a plotline. I've been asking for hair and makeup to bring back Nate's Southern Swoop, and BOOM, there it is. They should just hire me as a writer for the show, because I know what the people want! Anyway, Vanessa, who has been lolling around in the background, thanks Nate for letting her film the affair. I'll bet you the contents of my pajama pants (two pennies and a cotton ball) that this blows up in Nate's face, just like every other great idea that he's had.

Tripp tells the gang that he's down in the polls, but even if he loses, they'll still have a great party. His wife tells him that she didn't spend an entire day reading "The Secret" aloud, for him to just throw away all their learnings and spew venomous negativity all around, and he tells her that he'll try to think positively. You know, his wife seems like a conniving bitch. Plus, she's a redhead, and if we've learned anything from television in the past decade, it's that there are no honest redheads. They all have ulterior motives.

In the other room Nate is having an intense conversation with Grandfather:

But seriously. Grandfather tells Nate that the reason Tripp is down in the polls is because that sneaky harlot, Sluterena, ruined their whole campaign plan, so unless someone makes some kind of miracle happen in the next few hours, Tripp is going to lose. We cut to said harlot at the NYU dorms, dropping off the Jimmy Fallon interview. Duff assumes that Serena has already viewed the tape. Just as a predicted, Duff said something embarrassing about Dan on national television, and now she isn't sure what to do about it. You know Hilary, I don't think there's anything that you could have said that would have embarrassed Dan any more than he manages to embarrass himself by stepping out in public everyday. However, Duff still wants to keep Dan away from television, and the internet, and Gossip Girl, and random black men with the urge to scream out "BATHROOM BOY!" when they see him. Yeah, good luck with that,Duffster.

We then see Queen Bee tromping through the hall of the dorms. When she sees Serena she tells her that she hopes Serena hasn't come in search of an apology. When Serena tells her that she was only there to drop off the Jimmy Fallon interview to the Duff, Blair says, "Oh that's right! I momentarily forgot that your job is more important than your friends!" Well...sometimes. Blair also tells her that she and Chuck have been prepping for Tripp's partay, and she noticed that Serena's name wasn't on the guest list. I don't know if it was "noticed" so much as it was scoured the guest list first thing to see if Serena was on it, and then felt all fuzzy and warm inside when she wasn't. Serena lets her know that regardless of what the guest list says, she will be attending the party, and with a movie star in tow. At this, Queen Bee tells her minion that she needs and friend, and when her minion responds that she'll be Blair's friend, Queen Bee lets her know that this isn't Dunder Mifflin, and she isn't friends with her staff.

As Blair scurries off, Serena makes a call to Nate, who we see staring at his phone as it rings. When Tripp asks him if he needs to get it, he tells him that phone calls from Serena are on his list of things that "Are Not Important" in his life. Other things on this list include: College, Brain Cells, Condoms, and Friendship. Nate also tells Tripp that he should let Grandfather help him get ahead in the polls. Tripp tells Nate that he'd rather be a fair loser, than a dirty winner. Well...that's one I haven't heard before. I think I like this Tripp Vanderbilt fellow.

All of a sudden, we hear someone shout that a person is drowning! While everyone else is taking a second to figure out what the hell is happening, Tripp springs to life like Inspector fucking Gadget, and is in the water swimming this poor guy to safety before Nate can even scratch his empty noggin in confusion.

After the break we see a news reporter covering the story of Tripp's heroic rescue mission. Grandfather is walking around the suite, giving orders to aids, and trying to milk Tripp's heroism for all it's worth.Nate tells Grandfather that the timing of the rescue seems a bit suspicious, but Grandfather tells him to stop being such a Donny Downer, and use the story to his advantage. Wow writers, trying to make it seem like Nate has the ability to put "two and two" together, huh? I bet he still comes out with "five" as an answer...

We see Serena walk into the suite in search of Nate. When she finds him he tells her that he doesn't know why she's there, and frankly after what she did, he doesn't have anything to say to her. She asks him if there's any possible way that they can put their differences behind them for the sake of her job, and he tells her "no". He also tells her that "revenge is not a solid foundation for friendship." [pic of Serena] Suddenly Tripp walks up behind them, which prompts Serena to say, "Hey Tripp! I voted for you!" Uh, no. No she didn't. He asks her if she's going to come to the party, and she smiles at Nate while telling him the she wouldn't miss it for the world.

At the NYU coffee shop, Queen Bee and her minions are discussing Blair's need for female companionship. When one minion asks Blair why she doesn't seek out a friendship with Vanessa, Blair promptly tells her that she's never heard the name "Vanessa" in her life, and that the minion can excuse herself from the table. As said minion leaves, Blair spots a girl ordering a drink that has the Valentina 360 bag; a bag that Blair has been wait listed to receive. She decides to go up and speak to the girl, and she tells her, "Believe me when I tell you that I don't say this very often, but, I think I like you..." So true. The girl introduces herself as "Brandice"...Seriously... BRANDICE? You know what I'm sick of? Stupid names that people think are "cute" because they're original. This is why the rest of the world laughs at America. Because we do stupid shit, like give our children names such as "Apple" or "Blanket". Why do we do this to our own people?! The children are our future, and I don't know about you all, but 20 years from now, I'd prefer not to have a Governor "Tu Morrow" or a President "Jermagesty Jackson". Just sayin...

At any rate, Queen Bee asks Brandice if she would like to attend the Vanderbilt party with her, and Brandice accepts.

Over at the VD Dubs, Daddy Humphrey, Lily, Dan, Duff, and Jenny are playing Scrabble. I cannot even describe in words how completely annoyed I am by Dan in this scene, and Hilary Duff is wearing an effing flannel, like it's some type of requirement if you want to hang out with the Humphreys. On a much happier note, Jenny is wearing no makeup in this scene (of course it's because she's sick, but still...) You know, Taylor Momsen is a very pretty girl. I don't know why she's in such a hurry to cake on all the makeup to make herself look older. She needs to enjoy her childhood, because life really doesn't get any easier from that point on. So Jenny, stay away from the cocaine, wash your makeup off every night, and remember that sunscreen is your friend, because this is a prime example of what you don't want to look like when you're 23:

We cut to Nate and Vanessa on some bridge overlooking the Hudson, and its all very Jason Bourne-esque.Vanessa tells him that the whole rescue incident was a set up, and that she has it all on tape. Yeah. See Nate? This is what happens when you let your 18-year-old wannabe investigative journalist ex-girlfriend film the inner workings of your family's political campaign, which you know has various shady ongoings. He asks her if she can sit on the tape for at least the next few hours, until Tripp wins the election. Vanessa tells him that she's not willing to sacrifice her integrity as a journalist, plus she already sold the footage to New York One. She also tells him that the person behind the entire scheme was most likely Good Old Grandfather. As Vanessa leaves, we see Nate make a call to New York One. Sneaky, sneaky...

After the commercials, we cut to the party. Blair is admired Brandice's knowledge of political figures. While Brandice goes to speak to one of the partygoers, Queen Bee catches up with Serena. She tells her that Brandice is her new best friend, and Serena tells Blair that she has a new best friend too: Patrick. Queen Bee tells Serena that she's pathetic, and they both walk away in a huff. As Blair is walking around the party, she spots Patrick taking a piss in one of the plants. Ha! The true mark of someone who is completely wasted.

In the suite, a woman (black! whoa, the producers are just going all out this episode!) walks up to Vanessa and asks her who she ended up selling her footage to. Vanessa tells her that she sold her footage to Carolyn Lowe and New York One, but the woman reveals that she is Carolyn Lowe. Ooh. Nate you dirty little schemer

At the VD Dubs, Dan watches the "Bathroom Boy" interview on Jenny's computer, and rushes out. We still don't find out exactly what "Bathroom Boy" means, so I don't care.

Back at the party, Queen Bee finds Serena to tell her that although Serena is the Earl of Drunkland, she wasn't able to handle Patrick, and so Bee too care of the situation herself; she sent Patrick back up to his suite. She lets Serena know that it's Nate's big night at Chuck's hotel, and Serena's plastered fake-boyfriend isn't going to ruin it with his drunken antics.

Cut back the the VD Dubs Palace. We FINALLY learn what "Bathroom Boy" means. Apparently on their first date, Dan took a trip to the bathroom, and when he came back his shirt was on inside out.I don't know how Dan would have achieved this, as all of his shirts are button down, but whatever.Eh...Anyway, after seeing the interview Dan rushed out, leaving Hilary with his family (which is really weird, because who wants to be left with their boyfriend's family? Especially the Humphreys).

We cut back to the Bass Hotel, where Serena is trying to get Patrick to sober up. While's she's drawing a bath for him (I've always wanted to actually use "drawing a bath" in a sentence, by the way), he lets it slip that Blair's new friend Brandice is actually a high class hooker. There's no way! Blair would have spotted something if that was true, right? Hmm...now that I think about it, Blair's best friends are Serena and Chuck, both of whom would probably be making a damn good living in the escort business, if they didn't already have wealthy families. At any rate, armed with this leverage, Serena goes to find out whether Patrick's accusations are true, and whether Brandice knows of any job openings.

In the campaign suite, Vanessa rushes up to Nate and demands to know how he could manipulate her like he did. She came to him first, as a friend, and would have expected the same respect. He tells her that he didn't have a choice; he had to protect Tripp's campaign. Oh no. We all know what happens when Nate tries to "fix" things, and sure enough, a few seconds later there's a breaking news segment which reveals to all of New York that the entire Tripp/Rescue Mission was a set up. protect Tripp's campaign. Despite Nate's efforts to keep the tape a secret, Vanessa still manages to win.

After the break, we come back to the suite, where Nate and Tripp are commiserating about how bad the situation is. They both think that Grandfather was behind the entire hoax, so when Grandfather walks in Tripp goes a little batshit insane on him. After freaking out about his integrity and the election and whatnot, Grandfather tells him to take a deep breath and calm himself down because he wasn't the one who set up the hoax, and there's no way he's going in front of a roomful of cameras and taking responsibility for something he didn't do. Nate asks why they should believe that he wasn't behind the entire scheme, and I'm sure everyone else is wondering the same thing, but honestly, I don't think he was behind it. Sure, he's a conniving, shark of a politician, but anytime he does something bad, he's at least honest about it to the family, because he truly believes it's for their benefit. So, if he had pulled off this hoax, he would have just owned up to it, especially to Nate and Tripp. After Grandfather and Tripp leave, Vanessa tells Nate that the guy she used to know had to a moral compass. Yeah, I don't know if he had a moral compass, so much as he had no idea how to be manipulative...

Back at the party, Brandice is working the crowd, when Sluterena comes up and tries to jack her client. Brandice reveals herself, by asking if Serena was also sent by the "agency" to work the party. Now that Serena has the information she needs, she's off to gloat, no doubt. On the other side of the room, Chuck is being interviewed about the hotel, when he spots Patrick Roberts, drunk and in his boxers on top of the stairs, so he leads the interviewer away from the scene, as yet another dark-skinned male leads Patrick back to his suite. We cut to Serena and Queen Bee arguing about whether or not Brandice is a hooker. Chuck interrupts to tell them to stop their squabbling because they are at a classy event, not the Winter Formal, or a "sample sale at an outlet mall" as he puts it. Ha! Blair assures him that Brandice is not a hooker, but of course he knows better; He's Chuck Bass, he probably has a spreadsheet with the names and information of every high class hooker from here to Thailand. He lets Queen Bee tells Serena that she's no better than Brandice, because she's getting paid to date Patrick, so the only prostitute there is Serena. For shame! Just because Serena gets money to date someone she finds repulsive, it doesn't make her a hooker. However, Serena can't contain herself after Bee says this, and she pushes her into the cake!

In the ballroom, King Bass tells Serena that the only reason Blair is being such a bitch is because she misses her. Yup. That's how I express my love to all my friends too. No, seriously...the more I care about you, the more I berate and beat you. If you feel like shooting yourself after we hang out, that's how you know you're worthy of my love. At any rate, Serena tells him that she's tired of Blair's games, and Chuck tells her that they aren't kids anymore, and she can't just push her best friend into a cake and then expect to make up on the Met steps the next day. Fair enough.

Here's what happens at the Humphrey abode: Hilary Duff tells Dan that she's sorry about the whole "Bathroom Boy" incident, but he lets her know that it isn't a big deal; The only reason his shirt was on inside out was because he took it off in the bathroom to dry off his pit stains. Hmm. A likely excuse. And the reason he ran out of the VD Dubs place was because he forgot it was their one month anniversary, and he hadn't planned anything, so he left to get something together for her. She tells him he's amazing (LIES!) and they kiss and make up. Blah Blah Blah.

Back at the hotel...TRIPP WINS THE ELECTION! YAY! YAY FOR TRIPP! YAY FOR THE VANDERBILTS! YAY FOR NATE'S RETIREMENT FROM POLITICS! Nate a Tripp have an entire conversation that I can't even transcribe here because it is so stupid. Nate talks about how he believes in Tripp, and how important brotherhood is, and never give up when you think you're down. Alright Nate, this isn't Lord of the Rings, you aren't about to enter a fiery pit of death, and he's not the Sam to your Frodo or whatever, so chill out.

In the background we see Tripp's wife slinking around in a bright red dress. She is up to no good, I swear.

Back in the ballroom, Serena tries to apologize to Queen Bee, but Bee is having none of it. For the first time in 18 years, Bee isn't living in Serena's shadow; she has a (somewhat) functional relationship, she's attending college, and she's making a life for herself, while Serena is delivering underwear, and dating rejects for cash. The night is finally over, and as far as Queen Bee is concerned, so is the Queen Bee/Sluterena friendship. GG does a voiceover to ask, "Who would have thought that S and B's friendship had a term limit?" ::raises hand:: Uhm. Yeah. I would. Blair rushes out to find Brandice, and apologizes for Serena falsely accusing her of being a prostitute. Brandice tells Bee that those accusations weren't completely untrue; she is a prostitute, but only to pay for NYU. Blair is disgusted that Brandice used her to make connections at the party, and tells her that she's "rotten to the core". What an amazingly stupid line.

Moving on. As Serena puts Patrick in a cab with a note telling Casey that she quits, she sees Queen Bee across the street. They look at each other, and realize how damaged their friendship is, and Queen Bee turns to go back into the hotel.

At the bar, Tripp's wife meets up with Grandfather, and reveals that she was the one who set up the entire hoax. I knew it! I knew she was up to some secret tricks! She tells her that her plan played out perfectly; Tripp won the election, Nate is never going to try to "help out" with a campaign again, and Grandfather is out of the boys' lives forever.

While Mika croons over the ending montage, we see King Bass enter his room to find Blair moping on the bed. He thought she was going home, but she tells him that she's too depressed because the only real NYU friend was a hooker.

She tells him she doesn't want any friends because she has him, and that's all she needs. Big mistake. Never build your life around a man, Blair. As this is happening, we see Dan and Duff sitting on the couch at the Humphrey watching the rest of her Jimmy Fallon appearance. During the clip, Fallon says that he was a little too hard on Dan in the previous segment, so they have baked him a cake that says "Happy One Month" and they show it to the audience. This makes me want to both barf and shed a little tear, because the scene is actually really cute.

We cut to Serena having a drink at the bar. Tripp enters. Alone. I could probably stop there, and you all would get what's going on, but I'll recount the scene just for those of you who don't: Tripp sits down next to Serena, and she asks him why he isn't celebrating with his wife. He tells her that he just wants a minute to relax and enjoy the moment before everyone starts nagging him about the serious stuff. When she tells him she'll leave, he asks her to stay. He asks her about her life, and she tells him that he probably doesn't want to hear about the petty drama. Of course, he tells her to spill it, and that he'll try to help her out, as his first official act as a Congressman. He orders a drink, and she begins to tell him about her problems.

You know what would be so great? If Tripp's wife finds out about the obvious affair that is about to take place between Serena and Tripp. That bitch seems really vicious, and I can't wait to see her take Serena DOWN!

The moral of this weeks episode: Some lines are thick, some are blurry and some are made of cocaine. However, the lines you really have to worry about are the ones that you shouldn't cross, no matter what the case may be, and if you all didn't already know: there's a very thin line between love and hate.

Until next time Gasmii,

Rocksmiles

Forgive me my trespasses, and also forgive me my delays. I've been in a booze and candy coma since the weekend, and those damn Phillies are keeping me glued to the television every night. Let's hope these bitches kick some ass this week to make up for my tardies. And I mean the DietTribers AND my Fightin' Phils.

Follow me!

We open with confession-cam, and a boy with an oddly shaped head and a woman's voice starts talking about doing an open water swim. Who is he? OH, my bad, it's Tiffany.

I look more closely, and again I'm surprised by how nice she looks when the hair is tamed a bit. It's back in a ponytail, and she looks fresh. Makeover, makover, where are you? Anyway, she's nervous about the open water swim they're doing, "because the ocean is stronger than I am." Doesn't mean you can't overcome, Tiff. DO IT! Also, why do you have a Minnesota accent?

Rita isn't faring much better with confession cam and her fears of open water swimming. She needs to split the difference with Tiffany and jazz up her look a little. Also, here, she looks a little like Eddie Munster.

The ladies are two months away from their triathlon and getting their first taste of open water swimming. Jessie loves his v-neck shirts, doesn't he? I guess with those bulging pecs, a crew neck would be too confining. He's deliciously leading the women down the beach, and they're all grim-faced. It's like watching the Apollo mission walking down the gang plank.

They meet again with Diana Nyad, their swim trainer from a few weeks ago. You know, the one that delighted us all by making Jessie take off his shirt? Oh, the memories.

Also, he's reminding me a little of Beavis today:

Anyway, Diana gets them to speak their fears aloud, and it's all the usual stuff about not being in control, the ocean is powerful, etc. Mary's all, "Bitch, please, I'm nervous but I ain't skeered." Well, we all know from the previews that she drowns, so STFU.

I've been in the Pacific surf, and it's definitely rougher and colder than the Atlantic. But they only have to swim 200 meters. Once they're past the breakers, they'll be fine. And they're in full wetsuits--should be warm enough. Jessie and Diana are the ones who should be worried--Diana's iwearing a shorter wetsuit and Jessie's just in swim trunks like any ol' Joe at the beach. (But, as we all know, ten times hotter than any ol' Joe.) They hold hands as they surge into the water.

Laneesa's doing well, and kinda bragging a bit about being a strong swimmer, and honestly, she ain't great. But compared to the rest of these bozos, she's Michael Phelps. Mary quickly loses it, choking on the water slapping her in the face. It IS scary when that happens. Luckily, it's not as bad as we thought, she just needs to get her head back in the game.

Steph helps Tiffany get through the swim, commenting on how she's never seen Tiffany this anxious before. Stephanie really is a class act, and these sisters warm the cold cockles of my heart. Her mental grit is going to make her a front-runner, athleticism-wise. She's awesome. Meanwhile, Mary's literally crying through the whole swim.

Rita's first out of the water, and Jessie scoops her up (literally) into a big hug. We get a clear shot of all his lats and traps flexing. Yummy. Laneesa's next, and he gives her a much milder hug. Aww. Tall girls get no love. Or is Jessie RACIST?! Just kidding.

Mary's last, and she bawls as Jessie hugs her. Okay, now *I'm* going to cry!!! Anyway, all of Jessie's hugging and all of their crying reminds me of when my feet would cramp during swim team practice and the hottie coach would massage my feet, but I'd be in too much pain to be excited. Ah, 7th grade.

Now we're at Knott's Berry Farm, some amusement park named after a jelly or a cookie or both. Whatever, it's Stephanie and Tiffany and their families. Tiffany's like, "When we were bigger, we couldn't ride these rides." The kids don't give a shit. But I do! I remember not being able to fit on rides when I was a fat-ass! After dinking around with the ferris wheel and such, the girls decide to ride the big rides with their kids. Their biggest concern is their asses fitting into the seats. But they do it! They get on the ride, and their asses fit! They even have some extra room! Yay!

The lesson here is that it's a very different experience to head off to the amusement park with your kids and worry about what rides to ride next, not if you'll fit on the rides. That IS a whole new worldview, and there's more where that came from. I wonder if they've noticed yet how their car's seat belt fits differently. (That was the first thing I noticed when I lost my weight.) Oh, and that they faced their fears. Like the show title suggests.

We head off to Laneesa's house, which is actually her sister Domenica's house. We see a photo of Laneesa's parents, and I'm actually a little surprised to see that her mom is white and her dad is black. And Domenica is her (white) half-sister. Does race really matter here? Probably not, but I wonder if that adds to Laneesa's feelings of marginalization, loneliness, and stifling her true self.

Cut to Laneesa singing to her 3-year-old niece, who's a pain in the ass about napping. Laneesa is fully belting out that mockingbird lullaby (not the annoying one that Blossom and Joey or Harry and Lloyd did, but the classic version), and it's no wonder the kid can't sleep. Tone it down, lady! The niece looks bored and annoyed.

Anyway, the foreshadowing here is that Laneesa's going to face her fear of singing in front of a crowd. Sigh.

Oh no. Group therapy. About facing fears. I have a fear that I'm going to turn into a white hot rage and stab someone's face. Should I face that fear? Can we stop talking about fears? Or at least stop beating people over the head and about the face with it? UGH. I bet we also have to repeat some crappy commitment. Oh joy. (And if I didn't already drink too much over the weekend, I'd challenge myself to a drinking game every time they used the word "fear" in this segment. I, however, gained seven pounds in Hallow's Eve revelry, so no booze for me. Damn.)

(I prefer Jessie, version 2009.)

Stephanie talks about her roller coaster experience and comments that with everything they're doing, she almost doesn't bother to be afraid anymore--she just does it. I love it. I'm really rooting for Stephanie. Then Stephanie gets kudos from Tiffany and Therapist Stacy for how much she's helping Tiffany, and I get a little teary.

Mary talks about how her fear in the ocean was an angry fear. No kidding. Of all the people to have a pissy response, it's Mary. And hey, on dry land, she's STILL pissy that the ocean swim sucked for her. Get over it! I want her to fear my fist and never get over it!

Oh, more weight loss journey talk, facing fears, facing challenges, yadda yadda. Rita was nervous in the swim, then was fine. Laneesa was fine in the swim, but hey, she's afraid to sing in front of people. Random! Anyway, Stacy arranged for Laneesa to sing at a baseball game. Laneesa barfs.

We head off to a salsa dance lesson, so the girls can have fun, let loose, and see each other outside of the workout clothes. Tiffany's interviewing from the parking lot, and maybe there's a lot of traffic, but she's shouting and a tendon in her neck is straining. Excited, much?

Rita's wearing a white t-shirt under her little black dress, thereby ruining all sex appeal for the night. Everyone else is in their LBD finery, learning the basic steps.

Laneesa hates to dance, and Rita tells us that in a previous life, she would have laughed in your face if you'd suggested she'd take a salsa dance class. Now she's more confident in her body and rockin' out the...white t-shirt. The female dance instructor has a really nice, curvy body. I'm surprised none of the Tribers mentioned it--it kinda seemed to be a part of the point.

At this point, where is Jessie?? Frown.

Hey! Wish granted! We're at the gym! Jessie's there! We hear about how great everyone's doing with all the cardio, but now it's time for resistance training. Wait, didn't we already cover this? My jackass screencap with the photo of Stephanie shooting dumbbells out of her cooter?

Anyway, we learn the finer points of resistance training--moving slowly, using good form. And we learn that it helps our bodies resist aging, and it helps with osteoperosis. Also, we have a triathlon in 60 days, bitches!!

Now Mary and Tiffany head off to a yacht club, called "Fanta Sea" (ick). They want to throw a big party for Stephanie's 40th, so they're here to get some info. The boat's nice, and the woman showing them around is chirpingly annoying. They head inside for the tasting. Mary whines, "I don't want to serve my friends food I haven't triiiiiied." Whatever. They eat a little of everything, and the captions helpfully tell us the calorie count of everything they're putting in their mouth. I've been spooning fudge cake icing from the tub into my face, and I stop once I see all these calorie counts. Thanks, Lifetime!

Whoa, now I really hate Mary. Not only is she goading Tiffany into eating the cheesecake (like it'd be somehow bad tasting?), when Tiffany exclaims how good it is, Mary clutches her eardrum and makes a pinchy-faced comment about how everyone on the docks heard her. Yeah, we know, Tiffany's loud, and I'm sure I'm bitchy to my own friends, but not on TELEVISION!

Mary says she hopes Tiffany's not mad that she guilted her into tasting the cheesecake, and then rationalizes it by saying that's how they learn moderation. I cannot WAIT until we get to weigh in and Mary's crying because she worked SO hard and only lost 2 lbs. Wah wah wah! How does that cheesecake taste NOW, bitch?

Wow, I'm on a tear tonight. Sorry, girls.

Baseball game time! Where's Laneesa's puke bucket? The women head into the stadium, and Therapist Stacy is in effect, wants you to push it bad. She's also rocking a lamb-collared coat amidst a mass of people in t-shirts. L.A., whattaya gonna do? I've heard it's a real stretch to have to wear a coat out there at all, right?

Laneesa's on-again BF is there to support her. Good for them. She nervously counts down the innings til the seventh inning stretch (which I can never think of the same way after seeing Naked Gun a zillion times--I'm LOLing right now!). The team CEO comes out to get her and she heads out onto the field. The announcer tells the crowd she's from "Lifetime's DietTribe" and you can tell people are like, "Who?" Whatever.

She sings. It's great. Do it a few more times, and you won't want to puke so bad. Done. Fears faced.

When she gets back, everyone's ridiculously supportive (Lifetime!) and she can't stop clapping and grinning. Aww. Seriously, though, at one point, they're all sitting there calmly and then all spontaneously break out into applause and "yaaaaay!". HA!

Weigh in. Goal? 30 lbs, or 6 lbs each. How'd we do?

(When Jessie says "tenth", as in "this is our tenth week of our diet and exercise program," you can hear the Texas in him. As if he could get any cuter!! Yeehaw!) He warns the ladies that this is typically a time when weight loss plateaus. I'd also guess that with the additional resistance training, their muscles are holding onto a little water. And of course, Mary and that fucking cheesecake. *claps hands* Let's go!

Tiffany: Lost 4 lbs. She's disappointed. Jessie tells her, "No worries, girrrrl. We'll do a little, ahem, one-on-one to work off some weight." (I think he just means personal training.)

Rita: Lost 3 lbs. She's also disappointed. She starts to cry. :( Jessie gives her the cutest pep talk about how pretty she is, how hard she's worked, it's okay, she still has 6 weeks. He's got a little "It's okay!" grin that I love.

Stephanie: Lost 5 lbs. Not bad! She's on track.

Mary: Lost 7 lbs. Seven!! SHIT. I wanted her to fail. Because I'm not a part of her DietTribe, clearly. Fuck.

Laneesa: Lost 6 lbs, and is under 300 lbs for the first time in, like 10 years. Her smile is great. Good for her!

Total loss for the Tribe? 25 lbs. Not bad, but no reward. But the ladies don't let it get them down, because clearly they've all been doing what needs to be done, it's just a matter of time and persistence. And having a not-so-great weigh in is fuel for them to super kick ass next time. Yay! And hey, it'll be easier because next week's goal is 25 lbs. Ah, we're starting to slow down as the pounds come off. Makes sense...

Next week: It's Stephanie's b-day! Yay! Also, Rita announces that she and her hubby are selling their house to the bank. Boo! Jessie has 'em run three miles, and weigh in has its usual shenanigans. All in a day's work.

So, we all faced our fears, right? I mean, my biggest fear is icebergs, and I had no ability to face that this week, but I DID face my fear of throwing my remote through the TV if Therapist Stacy made 'em commit something, so yay! What fear did YOU face this week?

You're such a clutz, Suz!

Time to bring out the Kimberly in you and start blowing stuff up.

Uh-ohsies! We're at the principal's office! Her name is Anne Peterson, and I know what you're thinking -- "A woman principal?! Blasphemy!" But you can relax, because she's white, thank god, so it's all good. But now we're leaving the principal's office and headed to the auditorium. Oh! I hope it's a lyceum about staying off drugs performed by actors who were so terrible that they were rejected by even community theater and are now touring Kansas elementary schools in a mini-van! Ah, childhood.

But no, it's a Thanksgiving play put on by the kids at Juannie Sue's school. Carlos is taping it, because this is season 6 and he's boring now. Gabby tells Carlos not to be impressed with Juanita's acting skills, and rightfully so, since Juanita struggles with the word "persecution" and then goes, "Aw --" at which point the screen freezes and Mary Alice says she utters a certain 4-letter word. I, for one, think Juanita dropped the f-bomb. But if you want to pretend it's "shit," that's fine too. You can even pretend it's "darn," if you want, but then you'd be Amish and if you don't have electricity then how could you possibly be reading this recap? Odd.

Hey, it's the Indians that cursed! That's why we killed them all and stole their land. Pick a side!

Meanwhile, Bree and Orson are headed over to someone's house with a pie, because, well, that's what they do. Nothing says "the Hodge family" quite like channeling sexual and marital frustration into baked goods. Turns out they're headed to Susan and Mike's house, and they don't want people to know they have marital problems. So, turns out Bree is wearing the brooch that Karl gave her, and Susan recognizes it as Karl's grandma's brooch that he gave to Susan years ago, before Susan "lost" it. Okay. Why the hell would Bree even wear it over to Susan's? That's just ludicrously stupid. I mean, I just . . . I can't . . . she's just . . . ugh! Dumb! And then Karl shows up to drop off Julie (so, even though she's like 30 now they still share custody?), and then everyone's like, Oh it's so weird that the brooch was lost and now it turned up and Bree where did you get it and why does Mike still have his shirt on?

Bree got it at some antique store. I believe the store is called Trinkets 'N' Things For Skinny Whores. It's in a quaint little town called Cheaterly Falls. Which is by Harlot Lake. In the Skank Range. Of the Adulterous Mountains. Susan wants Bree to keep the brooch, but Bree gives it back to Susan in front of Karl. Ooh, burn. Everyone is still clueless. Why isn't anyone asking how it ended up in an antique store in the first place? Or why Karl doesn't really seem to care? And why haven't all the women left so that Orson, Mike, and Karl can take their shirts off and enjoy some mutual soft kissing? It's called experimenting, and there's nothing wrong with it. Especially if it's filmed.

If Juanita was here, I think she'd ask "who the fuck wears broaches in 20009?"

A couple people stumble drunkenly into the Scavo household, and as much as I wish it was McCluskey and, I don't know, anybody but Tom, it turns out to be Tom and some other college kid. Tom and his little friend got drunk and then went out for pancakes, but the place was closed, so they went back to Tom's house so Tom could make pancakes, which is the kind of rationale that only makes sense when you're drunk. It's called Lindsay Lohan Logic. Sure, snorting blow off the toilet of a night club while someone else takes pics of you on a cell phone sounds like a great idea at the time, but a couple months later when you're in front of the judge, you're kind of like, "Huh. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to do. Seemed like it at the time. I bet the bailiff could score me some sweet blow if I give him a handy j."

There's another drunk kid on the couch, so I guess there were two guys with Tom. Lynette wakes up, of course, and so she berates Tom for drinking irresponsibly. I'm sure she was already awake -- y'all know she can't sleep peacefully until she's yelled at Tom for something and ruined his fun. The whole thing is boring and stupid, so let's move on to something more interesting.

You'll do.

Like Juanita, perhaps. At school, the principal says that Juanita has to write a letter of apology, can't participate in the rest of the productions, and is on cafeteria detail for two weeks. Gabby thinks that's a little too much, but she keeps this to herself. Just kidding. The teacher calls into question Gabby's parenting skills, which leads to Gabby pulling little Juan-Juan out of school. And now Juanita will be one of those weird home schooled kids who's freaky religious parents routinely take them to salute the flag and pray every morning at the public school. Why? No one knows.

Katherine goes over to Susan's house to 'pologize for being the mayor as well as the city manager of Crazytown, but she's not so convincing if you ask me. How is it that Susan is the sane, normal one in a conversation? Kathy's all, Hey we can hang out now, and I'll come over for a BBQ! Susan's like, Unless you're gonna marinate that beef in a Thorazine drip, that ain't gonna happen, crazy ho. And then Kathy pretty much blackmails Susan into being her friend by threatening to sue. What, is there another way to get friends? If so, I don't wanna know about it. Susan tells Kathy to come over for brunch on Sunday.

Bree walks into Karl's office to officially break up with him because he stole the brooch back from Susan and then yelled at her when she "lost it." Oh, and Bree asks if it ever occurred to him that she might wear it in front of Susan. Bree. Honey. Did it ever occur to YOU to, oh, I don't know, NOT wear it in front of Susan?! The sheer audacity of stupidness that Bree has displayed this episode is glaring and obnoxious! Also, dumb as shit. You know what? Bree doesn't deserve a funny recap of this moment. Karl says he lost track of the crap he stole back (and brings up the fact that she put all her stuff in storage to hide it from Orson last season, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bree Van de Kamp Mason Hodge!), and when Bree is leaving (because "It's over!"), Karl proposes marriage because he's changed or is willing to change or is pregnant or something. Cherry, are you effing kidding me with this crap? I'm all for female empowerment (because let's face it, men kind of suck a lot of the time), but why has every guy on this show become, for lack of a better word, a pussy? I've seen globes with more edges than the fellas on Wisteria Lane, for pete's sakes.

I've got an idea! Let's play Moonlighting! But without wit. And charm. And Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis. Never mind. I'll just yell at you and then we'll do it a lot.

Back at Angie's, she's wistfully looking at something. The Complete Season 2 DVD of Joey? No, it's a picture of someone on a beach with a baby, who for once is not Matthew McConaughey and his son. I think it's Angie as a baby with her mom, maybe, because it looks like it's from the 60s or early 70s, but maybe it's supposed to be Angie with Green Day? I don't know. Katherine comes in uninvited, and cares for about .2 seconds before telling her how well her "plan" to take the high road with Susan is going. And then she asks Angie who's in the pic, and it's Angie's mom. Ah, there we go. Turns out, she's dead. Not Angie, Angie's mom. Although the way things go for new cast members, Angie may not be far behind. Tomorrow would have been mommy's b-day, and Katherine's like, I'll take you out to cheer you up and we can talk about our plan! And Angie's like, Back off psycho, this is your plan, not ours. And then Kathy says she'll bake a pineapple upside down cake because that's always good for depression. You know what I think is better? A rum cake. Only substitute whiskey for rum. And then, you know, hold the cake part.

A crap storyline is one thing, but a muumuu? Drea, stand up and fight for your rights!

Carlos comes in to find Gabby cooking (wha? Didn't she stop cooking when she magically turned from ugly to pretty when she lost those 3 pounds?) and tells her that there are no private schools accepting kids so Gabby's gonna have to home school Juannie Sue. You can find stuff online, he says. Yeah, just go to the Focus On the Family website. Then they try to blame each other for being an influence on Juanita's mouth, and there's like 10 minutes of them saying things like, "You always say, 'The 'blanking' client is 'blanking' late!'" I wish they could have just let them either a.) swear and then bleep it out, or b.) said "effing" instead of "blanking." Because this is blanking annoying. Carlos says they're both at fault (who's at fault for the hair, though, Carlos?) and that Gabby is home-schooling Juanita. And Gabby's like, "Yeah, well you can forget about getting blanked tonight!" Carlos: "Fine. I blanked off earlier." Ha! And now I am imagining Carlos blanking off. And it is awesome.

Bree brought over a pie for Susan, who's of course wearing the brooch. As a belt or something. Bree is curious to hear if Karl brought Susan a lot of gifts and also wants to hear about the good times they had together. Susan says that if just once he had told her he's willing to change, then maybe things would be different. And then Susan gives back the brooch and thanks Bree for letting her say some nice things about Karl. Snooze.

Remember how I just had this same storyline last season with one of my other exes? Yeah, that was fun. So...pie.

Gabby's over at Lynette's to borrow a globe, but Lynette says it's so old that it's from before the Soviet Union broke up. Gabby: "The Soviet Union broke up?" Ha! Lynette pops a button on her shirt and Gabby's like, Yeah you're getting really fat. Tom agrees, and then goes to the "library" to pick up some "books." Which is either code for going to the liquor store to pick up a pony keg and some Zima for the sorority pledges, or code for going to the park by the interstate and letting a middle-aged overweight trucker give him a b.j. Could go either way. And then Gabby says she's gonna help Lynette lose the weight, but they're interrupted by the phone -- it's one of Tom's beer buddies. Cut to Lynette at a party where she asks Tom's buds where he is, but they say he's not really a friend of theirs -- they just let him buy the beer and make pancakes because they gave him the answers to the mid-term. Ooooh, Lynette totally blanked a brick. I guess the guys have a connection in the math department or something boring like that.

Mike asks if Susan is coming to bed and OHMIGOD MIKE IS TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF! Oh, this is so . . . wait, Susan's saying she's exhausted and OHMIGOD WHY IS MIKE PUTTING HIS SHIRT BACK ON?! Oh, okay, okay, thank god, Susan says she's not that exhausted. The shirt is back off, people! But only for a few seconds because Mike's phone rings. He says he's not on call tonight and gets back to the sexin'. But when Mike lets it slip that Kathy's the one with the plumbing problem, Susan insists that he take the job, but when it turns out it's a problem in her master bathroom, she decides to go with him. Which is a good thing, really, since Kathy opens her door in some skimpy purple number that she probably bought from Edie Britt's Estate Sale.

Stop ruining it, Susan!

Kathy's surprised to see Susan, but Susan's surprised to see that Kathy doesn't have her sling on her arm anymore (Kathy says she feels better). Katherine says that the problem's with the garbage disposal, not the master bath. Hmmm, interesting, thinks Susan, and so she goes upstairs to see Katherine's bedroom all decked out in roses and champagne and crap. Kathy tells Susan she does that every night, and when Susan's like, "You drink a whole bottle of champagne every night?" Kathy's all, "Maybe I have a little problem, okay?!" Ha! Nice delivery, Ms. Delany. Susan yells for Mike to come upstairs so he can see what Katherine has planned out, and Katherine runs around trying to get rid of the sexual healing evidence. Which of course leads to yelling, which of course leads to a cat-fight, which of course leads to Katherine and Susan falling into the bubble bath. So, now the hate is back on, bitches.

Back at the Scavos, Tom is waiting for Lynette to come home so he can tell her that a dude called and let him know his old lady was pokin' around, and that he's cheating because he's failing the required course. And the other courses, pretty much. Lynette says she doesn't care. In other news, the sky is blue. She's like, do whatever you have to do to pass, but don't cheat, you freak. He's like, Um didn't you lie when Gabby said you were gaining weight? Well, lying isn't really the same as cheating, if you ask me. They argue about keeping things from each other, and Tom yells that sometimes you have to break the rules, and then tells Lynette not to act like she's all high and mighty and better than him. I agree -- you both suck, Tom and Lynette. But equally.

Over at the Gabrielle Solis Reform School for Girls, Juanita's bored from reading. Kind of like you are right now, right?! Juanita shoves her book off the table, and when Gabby picks it back up, she does the exact same thing again. Repeat as needed. When Carlos shows up, Gabby is physically forcing Juanita to pick up the book off the floor. Meh. It's pretty much the same as Catholic school.

If you'd started this earlier in life this poor kid might be able to touch her toes.

I don't really care about this plot this week, so I'm just gonna breeze through it: Bree says she may or may not marry Karl, but he has to focus on getting her a divorce first, then maybe she'll consider marrying the Karl who said he would change. And also no sex until she's divorced because there may be a scandal. Fascinating.

As Gabby packs some of Juannie's stuff in a backpack. Carlos tells her that Juannie told him that she overheard what Gabby said to the principal and blames her for getting kicked out of school. And Carlos says Gabby may have overreacted to the principal when she said that Gabby was a bad parent. Carlos is like, Juannie can't go to school, she can't have people over because a monkey almost killed a clown -- all because of Gabby. He has a point, albeit one that's not shirtless.

Angie stares at a cell phone that blatantly says PRE PAID in a big red sticker on the front. Subtle. Angie dials the phone, and ten bucks says she's calling her "dead" mom. Ah! I totally called it! Who else knew that? Everyone? I bet so. Although it would be so sweet and touching if someone watching this show was like, "Oh my gosh! She said her mom was dead! What is GOING ON?!?" and then totally freaked out and threw the remote at the TV and went on a living room rampage, destroying furniture and what-not, and then sat down all out of breath and was like, "This is the best. Show. Ever."

Angie's like, I know it's been so long, Ma, but we're okay, and we don't have a lot of time, but Green Day is good and maybe some day we can talk longer, but I think I hear someone so I'll speak in Italian and iloveyoutalktoyoulaterbye. Turns out Katherine came in unannounced AGAIN to deliver her pineapple upside down cake. She's like, Didn't you say your mom was dead? Angie's like, That's my mom-in-law, I call her "ma" because we're close. Quick thinking, Ange. Also, when Kathy asks about the pre-paid phone, Angie says that she used it on vacation and wanted to use the minutes. Nice. Kathy then says that she's gonna sue Susan so she'll need that gun back for evidence. Angie tells Kathy that she should stick to her plan. Kathy's like, Why were you speaking Italian to Nick's mom when she isn't Italian? Angie says it makes her mom-in-law feel sophisticated. That wasn't so slick. I would have said she's taking lessons because she's planning to go to Italy because HER mother lied to her about her real father and it turns out he was an Italian prince who was visiting America but couldn't marry her mother because there would be a scandal but they kept in touch all these years and now the prince is on his deathbed and wants to set things right again, so she's practicing her Italian on me. Something simple like that. And, even though Angie is the one with the potentially dangerous secret, right now I want her to take out the gun and shoot Katherine dead because she's really pissing me off.

From a muumuu to a Mrs. Roeper robe. Hang up on your mother and call your agent.

Back at Gabby's, she tells Juanita that she's been running her mouth off since she was a little girl and that sometimes she can't help it, and Juannie Sue is like, If you had just let the principal punish me, then everything would be over. Gabby says she was wrong and she's sad that Juanita's upset, and then asks if Juanita thinks she's a good mom. Why would she ask Juanita that when she's pissed off at her? Damn, I don't even have a kid and even I know that you wait to ask that question until AFTER you've given your kid the wii/trampoline/pony. Then you'll get the response you want. Maybe Gabby is a bad mother.

Angie's over at Susan's to tell her that Katherine can't be trusted and has "completely lost it." Well, duh. Susan says that she and Mike are just going to ignore Kathy from here on out, but Angie's tells her that that's not enough -- she needs to get Kathy "off the street." Katherine is a homeless prostitute/junkie?! Oh. Oh. Okay, now I get it. Angie then adds some major shit to the pot that she's staring and is like, "Do you know where Katherine was the night that Julie got strangled?" If this were season 4, I'd be like, "Bitch, shut your mouth!" But it's season 6, and I wouldn't put it past Katherine because Cherry and the writers seem to think it's cool to make Katherine completely unsympathetic and obnoxious. So yeah. Katherine could have done it. And then Angie says something that I had actually not even thought of, "Maybe she [Katherine] didn't think it was Julie . . ." Oooh, that's interesting!

Ugh, Mary Alice time again. Hey, tell us about the secrets, Mary Alice! This time she talks about lessons and cheating and lying and coveting men who aren't yours and betraying men who are. Yours, I mean. Boreson walks into the Victorian Rose antique store, where Bree was (I guess) said to have purchased her brooch. He asks the middle-aged guy in a bow tie (because this is television and only middle-aged pudgy men with glasses and bow ties can run antique stores) about the brooch and buying something like it, and the guy's like, "A brooch, we don't have anything like that here." Um, way to check, lazy-ass. Also, from the looks of it, it seems like you probably do have things like that. The guy says they only sell furniture. Boreson's mind explodes in confusion. And then he probably steals a floor lamp and an antique mirror on his way out.

I was hoping you might have some dignity in stock...

Next Week: Sweeps is creeping up on us, so things'll be thrown into high-gear as Susan believes Kathy may have strangled Julie; Angie blackmails Orson and Bree (into what, being interesting?); Gabby continues to teach Juanita at home; and Lynette begins to suspect someone else is responsible for the strangling. I don't know who. Because. I know that's not a good reason, and I don't care. Because.

Holy crap! It's Betty in male form!

Betty continues to get piled on by person after person after person. She's swamped! Walking past reception Amanda says, "Wow, look at that giant pile," and Marc says, "Yeah, and it's carrying all those papers." Yeah, you're filing the receptionist's nails, so you might want to knock it down a notch, assistino!

Betty, did you let one fly? Dial down the bean burritos!

Betty ignores them and Marc asks if now that she's a big fancy editor, she won't talk to the little people. "Oh I'm sorry I couldn't hear you over your loud shirt," she says as Marc gasps. "Fashion-smack by Suarez," Amanda says. "Unexpected." That's for damn sure, especially after last season's fashion-o-rama. Marc's like, what's up with the 'tude and Betty tells him she's tried to be nice to him but since her promotion all Marc's done is be mean and tried to sabotage her, "So I'm done with you." Oh, that has to hurt, Marc.

Walking away, Betty smashed into Matt's ears and drops all of her files. Under Amanda's unusually watchful eye, Matt helps Betty pick up the files while asking her if she has any ideas for the upcoming issue. Her concept is the "unsung heroes of New York - people who do the toughest jobs and we could showcase their uniforms," she says. Not a bad idea. Matt loves it. Betty says, "I'm really glad that we..." "Yeah, me too," Matt says. Is make-my-toes-curl Matt on the way back with the good writing? Toes crossed!

Matt walks up to the reception desk and Amanda tells him his haircut makes his hair look so healthy she wants to pull it, which she does - hard. "That kinda hurts," he says. Secretly he enjoyed it! She hands him his messages and he leaves. Oh my God that bitch! is totally in love with him! Super love triangle - I say bring it!

"Oh my God Mandy, you were like five seconds away from flipping his omelet right here on the desk!" Marc says. Has she started cooking school? Because an omelet bar is exactly what that place needs! "Please, kissing him would be like kissing Betty," she says. They both gag, mostly because they are thinking of Betty's facial hair!

Claire sees Betty in the hallway and says Daniel wants her to come meet the new assistant. "Is it Gavin?" she asks. "I don't think so," Claire says knowingly. Great, he hired a piece of ass. And there she is, all 20 feet of her. Although I have to say that belt makes her short-wasted.

When did Mode start free-ranging giraffes?

Betty introduces herself and Boobs says, "I'm Lexie. Like sexy." Yeah, you're fired. But it's good to see Daniel getting back to normal. Betty offers to help her and Boobs says, "I know how things work." Super!

Daniel swears looks had nothing to do with it, and he might be right because maybe his eyes never made it from her chest to her face. Betty's like, bitch ain't so friendly and Daniel says maybe she's intimidated by Betty. "I told her she had some pretty big shoes to fill," Daniel says. Yeah, size 11 and 13 for the left and right feet respectively.

More tiring than murdering someone? Discussing it ad naseum.

At Wilhelmina's lair, Not-Nico enters the apartment to Willie's, "Where the hell have you been?" song and dance. Oh, man, we've all been there. Not-Nico asks, "Can't I go out for some frozen yogurt?" and Willie says she can as long as she can go a couple of weeks without murdering any boyfriends. Damn, I hope your apartment isn't wired.

Willie bitches that all she wants Not-Nico to do is stay put, but wouldn't that look suspicious to anyone watching them? Why would Not-Nico Not-go out unless she had something to hide? Willie says it won't happen again because from now on, "you won't leave my side." Not even for the bathroom? Ick.

Over at Casa de 21st Century, Papi is setting up his email. Justin tells him to input his password and his email will magically appear. "What's my password again?" Papi asks, and the family says altogether, "Ignacio Rules." Heh. He knows, he just likes to hear it. "Welcome to 1993," Hilda says and I have to second that. Betty says Hilda's in a mood and Hilda motions for them to go to the kitchen. They must need to talk about Tampax.

In the kitchen, Hilda talks about how she never gets to see Archie anymore because he's so busy campaigning. Archie, Tampax - same diff. "I'll tell you one neighborhood he isn't canvassing," Hilda says, and both Betty and I barf. Hilda is worried that without passion their relationship might fizzle out. Have you forgotten to wax on/wax off lately? Maybe that's the problem, Hilda (and by they way, that joke is NEVER going to get old).

Back at Mode, Wilhelmina says, "Margaret, I know you hate your life, but does everything you pick out have to be so dreary?" Oh my God, my company's entire accounting department must be suicidal! She tosses Margaret and team out of her office. Willie really is surrounded by a bunch of incompetent boobs.

Who the hell hired Sylvia Plath?

Marc is in her office and says that he heard through a very long grapevine that Hartley and Claire were having dinner with Isabelle Besset from French Elle. "Word is she's replacing you," Marc says, wondering what they are going to do. "Blackmail?" Willie admits she's tried to get dirt on Isabelle for years but never could. Willie steps out of character and decides to show them she's a team player. She's going to kill them with kindness. Well, as long as someone dies, I'm in.

Marc, horrified that Willie's being nice, offers to give her some space. "Some time so you can hatch up something else," he says. "Speaking of things you've hatched, Not-Nico is here." Willie says she brought her here to learn about fashion and for Marc to grab her a chair. Sitting with her would be fun for about 15 minutes, then Marc would have to kill her. Ah, the circle of life.

Betty shows up to ask Wilhelmina to sign off on a temporary assistant for her while Willie is trying to listen to Marc's conversation with Not-Nico. He's asking about her boyfriend and Willie solves two problems with one assistant...she gives Marc to Betty for the time being. Ouch, that has to hurt. Both of them. Willie re-assigned Marc to Betty for a few days and Marc has a very quiet stroke.

The moment the blood vessel in his temple burst.

Marc pisses up a rope about being Betty's assistant and wonders if Willie is punishing him for the Isabelle info. Willie brings up two good points - Not-Nico needs to learn how to man the desk (for what reason is that?) and Marc is always asking for more editorial responsibility, now here it is in Betty form. Willie says she doesn't want to hear another word about it. Marc turns to look at Betty and begins to mouth what looks like, "I'm going f#ck you up," I'm guessing, but Willie screams, "I SAID GET OUT!" just as Marc begins the f-word. Ha!

Walking out of the office, Betty says, "Very mature!" Marc yells back that he is not getting her coffee and that he could have been an editor at Vogue. "Dante Nelli Jr. offered me a job, a man so fabulous he wears a caftan every day of the year!" What?!?! It would be awesome if turned out to be Nathan Lane, he's got caftan written all over him.

Daniel walks out of his office and tells Lexie he's going to have lunch in the cafeteria with his friend Natalie...oh, Faux Helena. Lexie is like, "Bitch, I'm on the phone!" She complains to the person on the phone that her new boss is yabbering (yabbering?) on about something. She's really sweet.

In the cafeteria, Willie is wearing sunglasses in the cafeteria because she thinks only sad people eat there. "Hello, hello," says Claire who is walking over to their table with Hartley. They sit down and Willie introduces them to Not-Nico. Hartley jokes about Willie eating with "the commoners" and she laughs that she'd bust a rib if she hadn't had them all removed. Ha! And ew!

Is Claire wearing Hartley's kidney stones around her neck?

Cal has a great idea for the magazine...Vampires! He says they are all the rage (translation: overexposed - get back in your coffins!). He wants Willie to put a vampire on the cover of the magazine. Too bad Leona Helmsley is dead. Willie is horrified. The idea is "Gothic Gotham - keep the cover girls but give them some fangs," Claire says. Willie smiles like the dog poo smells great. "Wilhelmina Slater is and always will be a team player," which should be the first indication that she's full of shit.

Raise your hand if, like me, you ever wear this face at work...
NO DON'T - we may change the gravitational pull of the earth!

Over on the other side of the cafeteria, Daniel is having lunch with Natalie who says she is crazy for tater tots. Honey, who isn't? Deep-fried carbs? Bring it! She looks like a vintage store barfed on her. She's telling Daniel about this speaker she thinks is really good, someone who helps you "deal," and oh guess what? He's speaking THAT afternoon about losing loved ones. Doesn't anybody work a full day anymore?

Back in Betty's office, she and Marc are working when Betty gets a call from Hilda which Marc shushes. Hilda, at home dresses in fishnets, heels, fingerless gloves, and a red and black bustier - because how else do you cut hair? - asks Betty is she knows where her superhero costume boots are. Why? Because she's going to text her politician boyfriend a sexy picture of herself. This can only turn out well. Hilda really should get a job that keeps her BUSY during the day.

Finally! Hilda finds a job where she can use her talents - phone sex!
Talk about a cash cow!

Marc says that while she was on her personal call, he finished the trends column. Well good for you, sucka! Marc sighs heavily. He says not only does he get to see fashionless Betty promoted above him, but then she has to rub her "ineptitude" in his face. He does have a point. Betty says she doesn't want to continue to have this conversation with Marc. "Daniel and Wilhelmina picked me for a reason," she says. Yeah, because the coin came up in your favor.

"YEAH!" Marc shouts. "Daniel's name is on the building and you two are lovaaahs," Marc says. Betty says she has half a mind to go into Daniel's office and put an end to this once and for all. Don't do it, Betty, DON'T! "I would love to see the look on your face when they say they picked me because they thought I'd be a better editor than you." Or because they were both too drunk to make a decision and instead used a quarter.

In Daniel's office, he's a smooth-tongued as ever as he tries to explain that they were both qualified. "Just give us the truth," Betty says. "Your vote trumped Wilhelmina's, right?" Marc says. Wilhelmina, who has entered Daniel's office, says, "Why are you sparing their feelings, Daniel?" She looks at them. "We tossed a coin. You got your job Betty because you were..." she pauses. "...tails." No shit. Marc's face lights up as Betty whips around and looks accusingly at Daniel, who in turns looks like he just swallowed a frog. When word of this gets out, Meeegan is going to be all up in Betty's shiz.

Marc shows his O-face over Betty's tail. Or something like that.

Betty's less pissy than I thought she would have been with Daniel. He says it was the only way to break the impasse; Betty says the only thing keeping her going was thinking they thought she was right for the job. Daniel says she is but no way buying it.

"Hey tails," Marc says saddling up to Betty. "I am SO GLAD we cleared that up. You're not better than me, you're just lucky. You're nothing more than tails, the buttocks of a quarter!" Heh.

They bump into Matt who asks how her article is going. She says she's lined up some interviews. Matt suggests while she's down there, she should see if they will let her do some of the jobs. Marc suggests she also wearing the clothing and get pictures of it and Matt loves the idea. "Some of us just know how to think like an editor," he says. Betty asks for her message which Marc produces in fan form.

Back at Casa de Bad Judgment, Hilda asks Karate Councilman if he got the picture she sent him. "Yes, I got it," he says, "and so did everyone else!" Rut-roh! Turns out Hilda hit reply-all on his campaign email and the picture went to his entire email list. Smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooth.

Karate Councilman goes off on her and says it's the worst thing that could have happened right now. I would say ever. Kiss that presidential bid good-bye. While this is going on, Papi comes home and decides to check his email. Get the therapists ready!

Hilda tells Karate Councilman he has to get the email back - yes, through his magical powers! - and he's like moron, I can't get it back and now everyone, including the kids who volunteer for him, are opening up that picture. Well, I bet the teenage boy volunteer list increases. Along with their dads!

"Hey Hilda, I got an email from you, it's a picture. Where are my reading glasses?" Papi says. Hilda turns and screams in slow motion, "Noooooooo!" Oh yes, Hilda, oh yes.

Back at Mode, Daniel says, "Hey Lexie, how about a cup of coffee?" and Lexie says, "No thanks." Doyee. Daniel admits to Betty that Lexie may not be working out. Betty's all like, duh, douchebag and Daniel reminds her that he picked her. I think your dad did to curb your enthusiasm (boo-ya) for banging your assistants. "Your father picked me," Betty reminds him since he can't actually hear me, "precisely so you wouldn't do what you always do. Which is hire an assistant you want to sleep with."

"Is that why you hired me?" Lexie says. When did she get here? "You're disgusting," she says, walking out. So is your eye makeup, ho-bag. Betty offers to go say something but Daniel says he'll take care of it. Get the lawyers ready.

Daniel walks over to Lexie's desk to apologize. He says she heard something out of context (not really) and the more she gets to know him, the more she'll know he's not like that. Except he totally is. He goes to reach for her shoulder, which is bare due to her lacey bustier, but still - inappropriate touching. Unfortunately, she turns to look at him and his hand grazes her right boob. He gasps, she gasps.

"What is wrong with you?" she screeches. "You dirty old man!" He tries to apologize but the only thing that comes out of Daniel's mouth is, "Old?" Yes, old. OLD!

Back in Bettyland, Marc yells, "Tails!" He says it time for her to do the 10 worst jobs in New York City, starting with Mayor. He brings a camera along to capture these special moments...Betty driving a rickshaw, Betty picking through garbage, and Betty waxing a very hairy back (ew!). What a busy day she's having.

How the hell does this woman gets more action than I do?

Betty stops by the "Taj Ma-hot-dog" stand where the owner serves a meat substitute hot dog. He tells Betty is seems cold but she'll probably get pretty sticky inside the hot dog suit. Marc almost orgasms. "I'm sorry, there's an actual hot dog suit? Just when I thought this day couldn't get any sweeter."

Taj Ma-hot-dog owner says, "Now which one of you is going to be the wiener and which one is going to be the bun?" Turns out it's a two-man costume. "You can't have a wiener without the bun," Taj says. So true. Marc gives some attitude so Betty takes charge and says, "I'm the boss, and you're the bun." He really does have nice buns.

Betty walks out in her hot dog outfit and the owner says, "Please don't eat. A hot dog eating a hot dog, it freaks out the customers." Good point. Where is Marc? Kids come up and kick her. Rude! Here comes Marc in a bun costume that goes horizontally. Marc bitches that unlike Betty who is used to awful ensembles, he has a reputation to protect. The owner puts a hat on him. That makes the whole costume. He turns on music so they can dance. Dance wiener and bun, DANCE!

Back at Mode, they are moving forward with their vampire photo shoot. It's awful. Claire is suggesting sharper fangs and blood on the dress. Willie agrees then shoos away the makeup artists before he does anything stupid like following Claire's suggestions.

What the hell? Not-Nico is at some sort of kindergarten art table and manages to spill red paint everywhere. She holds up her hands and it looks like there's blood all over them. Well, there is, isn't there? Dun-dun-dunnnnnn!

She can't even finger paint without someone being killed.

Not-Nico tells her mother not to get so pissy at her just because she hates the photo shoot. Willie throws back that she does blame her because if she hadn't you know, murdered someone, Willie wouldn't have to act like a moron to keep her job. "I'm making nice even though this vampire shoot is ridiculous." That's the part that Claire chooses to hear - not the murder, the cover up - the shoot. Oh, cochlear-Claire, use Q-tips to clean out those ear knobs.

"Ridiculous?" Claire repeats. "What happened to loving the concept?" Claire gives her this bullshit that they ran the idea by her because they wanted her "blunt opinion." No you didn't, you wanted to give her a stroke.

"How the hell can I give you an honest opinion when I know Isabelle Besset could replace me at any moment?" Willie asks. She's got you by the oversized necklace now, Claire. "You wanna know the truth?" Willie asks, walking over to the models. "This is juvenile. Put this on the cover and it damages the brand. We set trends, we don't follow them." AMEN.

These models are so malnourished, the only way they
can get blood to course through their veins is if the suck it!

Claire agrees. I'm sure that didn't cost much to set up that shoot, hire the models, the photographer, the stylists. No wonder there are vampires about - this company bleeds money! Claire says Willie now has to cut 10 pages from the magazine. What? How many chefs are in this kitchen? Then Claire says, "Wilhelmina, just do your job. While you still have it." Okay, I'm all about good triumphing over evil, but man, that is cold. Either fire her or don't, but stop pissing around about it.

Back at Wiener Central, Betty's counting down, "And a five, six, seven, eight...Eat me I'm a hot dog!" and Marc says, "And I'm a whole wheat bun!" He looks like white bread if I've ever seen white! "Now it's time to eat the greatest treat under the sun!" Parmesan cheese popcorn? Betty goes to jump into the bun but misses and lands in a big pile of garbage. Why did the owner set up his food cart so close to garbage and/or vermin?

Worst sexcapade ever.

"As much as I love giant wieners flying at me," Marc says. Hold on. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA awesome! "This is a little outside my comfort zone." Betty's pissed he didn't even try to catch her and he says she was two full measures early. Marc bitches that she can't count, can't dance and "can't edit a fashion magazine." He storms across the street and she chases him. What I love is the people on the street watching this as it's being filmed.

Marc starts bitching that Betty seems to get everything by sheet luck. "You have a great job, great family, multiple attractive men have wanted to date you, God knows why," he says. "I can't catch a break. I'm always...the bun." Betty tries to tell him it's not that bad and he says, "Don't 'Happy Betty' me! You want to talk thankless jobs in New York City? How about being Wilhelmina Slater's gopher. FOR FIVE YEARS."

"I could have been an editor at a magazine that shall not be named. I could have been protégé to the most fashionable man in publishing, my style icon, Dante Nelli Junior!" And who turns around but my favorite Barefoot Contessa guest, T.R. Pescod, super-hottie and tragically for women everywhere, gay (dammit!). "Yes?" he says.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodit'shim!

Back at Mode, Claire says, "You grabbed her boob?" Like she hasn't said that to Daniel a million times? Claire is like smooth move Ex-lax, now we can't fire her because we'll have a huge lawsuit on our hands. And her boob, since that's where Daniel's hands are.

At Casa de Political Misstep, Hilda is apologizing to Karate Councilman. Hilda says, "I didn't think - " and Karate Councilman says, "That's right Hilda, you didn't think!" Finally someone has the balls to say it, I just can't believe it was her lovah! He tells her it's a huge embarrassment; she says she's embarrassed because it's her picture everyone is talking about. He asks why she did it.

"I just wanted us to be closer," she says. "I wanted you to be excited about us again." Geez, she's needier than Jennifer Aniston. "I'm sorry if I'm an embarrassment to you," she says, walking away. Oh, Hilda, you're an embarrassment to the entire borough of Queens.

On the streets of Little Pakistan/India/Some other outsourcing country, Marc is surprised Dante Nelli Jr. remembers him. "Of course I do. It's not often someone refuses a job from us," Dante says. "But you said you had to pursue your dream which apparently is...selling hot dogs?" And how!

Seriously, if he were straight, I'd move him to #2 on my list of 5.

Marc tells Dante he's still at Mode. "They finally made you editor?" he asks Marc. Jesus, do they just hand those out left and right? Marc stutters and Dante scoffs and says, "Oh, still picking up Wilhelmina's dry cleaning?"

Betty lies. "Actually, Marc was so valuable at Mode that we just added him to the features department. We're doing a story right now on the hardest jobs in New York, that's why we're weenies." Okay, maybe she didn't put it quite like that.

Dante is suitably impressed. Saying he likes to stay current with up-and-coming-no-pun-intended editors, "How about brunch sometime?" Giving his card to Betty he says, "Have your assistant set it up." Marc goes to correct him and Betty says, "I'd be happy to." Aww. I love the love!

"You didn't have to do that," Marc says. She knows. "I just figured you were due for a change in luck." Awww! Marc's groin rings and he pulls Betty's phone from his bun. Turns out there's an emergency editors' meeting at 4pm, which is like 7 minutes away. Or was it an emergency meeting of editors? That would make more sense. Unless they have an emergency editing team, which at Mode probably wouldn't be a bad idea.

Betty grabs a cab and asks Marc for her clothes. He admits to "accidentally" trashing them because he hated her at the time. Betty goes off. "Every single time I think there is a glimmer of a decent person in there, you always prove me wrong. And now I get to go back to the office dressed as a hot dog, where everybody already thinks I'm a joke." So why worry, would this make it worse?

This sex education movie seems somewhat suspect.

Betty tries to get into the cab, Marc tries to help her, and finally she dives in, head weenie first, lying on the back seat. She asks Marc to close the door for her and she takes off.

Oh crap. We're at that discussion with Daniel and Natalie. Some dude is saying that we don't have to accept that our loved ones are gone, they are with us always. Daniel snickers. "You don't agree with me? You don't want to be here, do you?" The guys asks. Natalie rats him out and says he doesn't want to be here but Daniel lies and says he does. Pussy!

The speaker says he's offering Daniel a chance at an elevated relationship with the deceased, and my thought is, how does this keep you in reality. Molly's gone! Ashes to ashes! Dust to dust! Worm food! She ain't coming back and thank God for that! Serves her right for drinking yak butter tea!

The speaker tells Daniel that he can only achieve that relationship with the deceased if he can be honest with himself, but he can't even be honest with the speaker about wanting to be here. "Fine, I don't want to be here," Daniel says. "Congratulations. You just healed a part of yourself," the speaker says. Is he at a Scientology meeting? Daniel snickers again, so he must be.

How can I pull out this wedgie without anyone noticing?

"You're scoffing at that?" the speaker says. Natalie rats him out again, "He was!" She sort of looks like a rat with that tangled mess of hair, doesn't she? "He was scoffing, he's been doing it all day," she says. Well, he was working earlier and you weren't around, so how do you know he was scoffing? He was actually groping. Get you facts straight!

"Fine, yes, I was scoffing. Honestly heals? Doesn't that sound simplistic?" The speaker says don't underestimate simplicity. Daniel should try being honest in his daily life because it will free him up. If I were honest in my daily life, the only thing it would free me from is my job, so I'm going to take all of my honestly and push it down, down, down so it comes out my feet. It's like being honest, just on the inside. I'll be honest on the outside when I'm sitting on the winning lotto ticket, m'kay?

The speaker tells him if the honestly works, come back, but if not, "accept that the person you love is gone forever. And good luck with that." Uh, she IS gone forever. Molly ain't coming back. Once you cremate someone, they have a tendency not to reconfigure and come back, particularly when part of them is spread over Tibet and oh yeah, when they are characters in a TV show. It's the buried ones that come back for our brains, doyee.

Amanda is looking through Mode when Matt stops by to talk. "I need to tell you something and it's kind of a secret. Come closer...closer..." she leans towards him and they start to make out, then Matt turns into Betty who says, "Amanda, you're such a good kisser," and we all vomit. Amanda screams as do the ABC censors who refused to call Justin gay last week, but totally allow girl-on-girl this week. Pricks.

Delicious!

Stubble-y!

Amanda closes her eyes and shakes her head, only to re-open her eyes, see Betty as a giant weenie, and scream again. "Do you know if the editor's meeting started yet?" she asks. Matt pops out from behind Betty, "Amanda?" Amanda screams. Heh. "Have you seen Betty?" She turns to look at him, he sizes up the weenie, and was it me or did he look turned on?

Say it ain't so, Matt!

"Wilhelmina is cutting ten pages of content for budget. Everyone is fighting to keep their stuff in," he says. How about stuffin' a weenie? Betty wants to change but there's no time! Marc shuffles Betty into the meeting.

Oh brother...Daniel asks Lexie to get the book from the art department. She walks in and tells him to get it himself since he knows how to grab things. Daniel decides this is the moment to be honest. He tells Lexie the only reason he hired her is because she's hot. Claire has a seizure. He says she's crazy hot and he's a man who likes to look at beautiful women. "So, sue me," he says. Claire asks that Lexie not sue him.

He tells Lexie she's not right for the job. "You're mean, impatient, you walk around like everyone's below you, and they are because you are twenty feet tall." He tells her she's a bad assistant but would make a terrific model. She says she always thought she was too pretty to be a secretary but girls got mad at her for saying it out loud. She's excited and leaves. Crisis averted through honesty. Who knew?

Sweet Christ, that monstrosity of a dress has matching pants?
Did she borrow that from Betty?

At the editor's meeting, Wilhelmina tells someone they can't convince her that leggings are pants and that article is out. For sure! Because they aren't pants, I'm looking in your direction, Lindsay Lohan. Betty enters the office and Willie says, "Whatever that is, it's cut." Matt says Betty has the right to defend her article. Willie gives her 30 seconds, which ironically is probably how long it would take to heat a tofu dog up in the microwave.

Betty starts talking about the toughest jobs in New York and Willie says it seems a little dry - tofu's not dry, it's moist, Willie! Haha, moist willie!!! I'm like a 12 year old sometimes. "Maybe it could use some mustard?" Willie asks. Meh. Not as funny as moist willie. HAHAHAHA. Moist willie! Moist willie!

Willie says she doesn't see it being in Mode. "Maybe you had to be there." Schmaybe. "Wait, Willie!" Marc says, jumping into the scene still in bun mode. "But you could be! If we re-created it for you!" Betty's all like WTF? and Marc says he's saving her.

Dancing with the Stars takes a turn for the worst.

They begin their song..."Eat me, I'm a hot dog..." "And I'm a whole wheat bun..." "Now it's time to eat the greatest treat under the sun..." "Add a squirt of ketchup for a whole lot more fun..." "Eat me, I'm a hot dog..." "Eat me I'm a bun..." "Eat uuuuuusssss." They sing as the camera cuts over to Willie with an open mouth, Matt with an open mouth...

Too much Botox...

...or just flat out horror? You be the judge.

Betty jumps inside Marc's whole wheat bun, and that is not - I repeat, IS NOT - a euphemism. I seriously laughed my ass off at this so long, I had to put the DVR on hold until I could stop laughing. This is the old Ugly Betty series revived. This scene made the whole season for me.

Ironically, the second time Marc has gone down on Betty this season.
She even gets it from the gays!

Wilhelmina says, "That was the most humiliating thing I've ever seen." Betty agrees and says the uniforms are ridiculous, but the whole city is full of uniforms. She continues by saying that the inspiration for fashion comes from the most unlikely places, like the bright lycra shirts of bike messengers, or the epaulets on a policeman's uniform (so 1980s) - "trash collectors were wearing jumpsuits way before they showed up on every runway last year." And damn those jumpsuits, they are awful.

"Also, look at these funny pictures of Betty," Marc says, showing all the pictures he took of Betty throughout the day. Willie says she can't run pictures of Betty, so Marc suggests a supermodel. Willie likes it. "You're in."

Okay, am I the only one perturbed the The Church sold out their song "Under the Milk Way Tonight" for a car commercial? And to add to that, I saw Echo and Bunnymen on TV01 the other night. One word: Puffy. And these can only mean one thing: I'm old too!

Daniel and Betty are looking over the photo shoot for Betty's article and they feature Sexy Lexie. Daniel admits he has no idea what he was thinking hiring her. "That's what old Daniel would do," he says. That's why we liked it! Old Daniel was superficial and fun! Bring him back!

Daniel wonders why Betty isn't more excited about her first big article for the magazine. She says she's excited but she's been fighting with Marc trying to prove to him that she earned the promotion, but he's the one who saved the day. Daniel reminds her that this was actually her concept. "You're good at this - you're great at this!" he says. Well, which is it? I know, let's flip a coin to decide!

"Why don't you know that?" Daniels asks. "Maybe because I was tails," she said. Try Spanx. Daniel says some people get the job because of a flip of a coin, some people get it because their father owns the company. "Doesn't matter how you get it, it matters what you do with it," he says. I love morals of the story!

Over at Hilda's Boobtilities, Karate Councilman stops by to see Hilda, who looks amazing in that blue dress although it is completely impractical for her to be wearing while cutting and dying hair. He asks to see her for a minute to show her that on the TV, he's actually apologizing to her via a teleconference. Oh, sure.

My girlfriend has big boobies!
And I can spell boobies using my calculator!

"My girlfriend had her privacy invaded," he says. WHAT?!?!?! Emailing pictures of yourself in compromising positions voids any privacy you thought you had. Stupid Hilda, she operates with the maturity of a 15 year old. Turns out Archie's actually in the lead because of the picture. Thank you voters of Queens.

She and Archie decide to go upstairs and bang out a quickie. She tells her clients she'll be back in 11 minutes. Wow, Karate Councilman really can' hold his own. Banzai, Mr. Miyagi!

Willie walks into her kitchen with some fro-yo for herself and Not-Nico. Willie throws her in the garbage after sniffing it like a hyena. Not-Nico wants to know what's up. Turns out Isabelle Besset turned down the Mode job but she doesn't know why.

Not-Nico says she heard she got a call from an editor at French Mode about how hard Claire and Hartley are to work for. Wilhelmina says she doesn't remember bribing anyone from Mode France. Then Not-Nico says in French, "I would like to speak to Isabelle Besset," and Willie realizes the Not-Nico is the one who made the call.

"You devious little minx," Willie says. Turns out all those years at French boarding school paid off. Not-Nico apologizes for what she's put her mother through and she wanted to do something for her as a thank you. Willie says she things everything is going to be all right. As she's saying this, someone has found the one blood mark left behind on Not-Nico's boyfriend's boat. D'oh!

At a coffee shop, Betty is sitting at the window counter and Marc brings her coffee. "I thought you swore you'd never get me coffee," she says. Well, he put it on her credit card so really, he only carried it over. Betty wants to show him the final edit of the article but Marc doesn't really want to see it. She forces him to read the top, which shows "Betty Suarez and Marc St. James" as the byline.

"You're sharing your byline with me? In five years at Mode, I've never had a byline," he says. "Why are you so nice to me?" She tells him that either one of them could have gotten this promotion. She says that right before Daniel told her she got the promotion, he had a look on his face that said they had given it to Marc. "I say I would have been happy for you, but I don't know..." Marc says to her, "You would have been happy." He turns his chair and starts to put his arm around her then thinks better of it.

Good, charming Ugly Betty is back! Phew!

"Were you just about to hug me?" she asks. "Shut up, no," he says. She grabs him and hugs him as he says the byline really should have had his name first. "Don't push it," she says. I love this! All is right in Bettyland! I adore it when Betty, Marc, and Amanda are all secretly buds. This one pulled the season out of the crapper for me - what did you all think?

Next week? Betty's invited to a charity event, but someone's donating their time to Matt. Oh my God you bitch Amanda!

And how many of you grabbed your calculator and typed in BOOBIES?

...looks like Scar's Halloween costume was "Kelly Garrett" from Charlie's Angels...

She looks rather uneasy in that picture, doesn't she? I wonder if one of those dishes she's glaring at so mistrustfully reminds her of wrinkly old writerdick (or maybe someone peed on the ground near her, too)? Either way, on tonight's episode of Top Chef we discover that Bravo is taking "going green" to the extreme and recycling the old "Celebrity Vegetarian Challenge" from this past season of Top Chef Masters, only instead of wacky Meg-Ryan-wannabe and horrible folk singer Zooey Deschanel we're stuck with serious Julia-Roberts-wannabe and the woman some feel is responsible for the destruction of the Star Wars saga, Natalie Portman. Initially I was kinda pissed, because I used all my best Vegetarian jokes in the TCM recap several weeks ago, but in all actuality this turned out to be one of my favorite episodes evah. Find out why after the jump!...

...while imagining his whetstone is 80's Hooker's neck...

Yeah, never mind the fact that poor DirtyBear there likely had one of the worst restaurants in six seasons of Restaurant Wars (and they don't get a Do-Over like TC Season 3 did, either) not to mention also losing $2,500.00 (that could have been a nice $10,000.00). Buuuut, I understand how Li'l Volt could feel so downtrodden since his older brother Big Volt refused to capitulate and declare Li'l Volt the Undisputed Chef Master Of The Universe™. Fucktard.

Or let's talk about Bitter Jen, and how terrible she feels this morning. She's getting ready and is super-embarrassed that their restaurant "Mission: Inedible" was so terrible. She doesn't say it directly, but I'm guessing she's likely to find several new anusii being torn at random places in her body when she gets back home and has to face Le Wrathé d'Eric Ripert...

...the last thing Bitter Jen will see before she is killed...

Still, Jen's trying to do like Mariah Carey said and "shake it off". Or was that "make it happen"? Or maybe "touch my body"? I dunno, in any case, she's trying to move on and pretend it's a brand new day and she's not feeling like a total hack.

Speaking of hacks, 80's Hooker is watching coffee brew (fascinating!) and is naturally ecstatic about how Restaurant Wars went. She must be taking extra doses of her prescription Delusionol XR 20mg cuz she really thinks she's holding her own against the other chefs and says that every Elimination Challenge she survives makes her feel like she just knows she can do this... "I'm here for a reason!" Yes, to create ratings and drama and be someone that Andy Cohen can then ask smirkily coy questions of at the reunion show. Now go think up some new ways to annoy Fat Kid and Sexist Pigshit, please...

...and maybe wash your hair?...

They dress and pack up and head off to the "M" Resort @ Casino (where the jokes about how far away it is have run dry. You're welcome.) to meet Scar and today's guest restauranteur in desperate need of publicity to boost their eatery's sagging profit margin judge, Paul Bartolotta...

...who has exactly zero enthusiasm for being here...

Sexist Pigshit tells us how awesome ol' LottaButt there is, what with being a multiple James Beard Award winner and one of the top Italian chefs in the country and having been a Vegas fixture on the restaurant scene for many years and blah blah blah, anybody Pigshit is impressed with already has one strike against them in my book.

In any event, today's Quickfire Challenge is sponsored by TV Guide (which is why Scar says "TV Guide" a skillion times in the next 47 seconds... and hey, does anybody even bother with TV Guide anymore when most cable services provide interactive online guides?) Anyhow, the challenge is going to require them to reinterpret the classic "TV dinner", and TV Guide has selected seven "iconic" shows for the cheftestants to be "inspired" by, and the good old knife block is trotted out...

...while Bitter Jen gets a head start on her Daily Migraine™...

DirtyBear pulls The Sopranos (gobbagool!) while Bitter Jen gets The Flintstones (dino-burgers!) and 80's Hooker lands Sesame Street (cookies for counting!). Big Volt has chosen M.A.S.H. (ummmm, Korean food?) and Sexist Pigshit's saddled with Seinfeld (no soup for you!) as Li'l Volt receives the ill-matching Cheers (yay for crappy bar food). The best is when Fat Kid gets Gilligan's Island because he's too young to remember the show (or see his resemblance to Bob Denver)!

Wait, Gilligan's Island is considered "iconic"? Doesn't a show have to be considered, you know, good to be called that? Sorry, but I have to say I always fucking hated that show, primarily because it was just plain annoying to watch Gilligan screw up yet another way for them to leave the island. And how come The Love Boat didn't make the list? Or Charlie's Angels? Or Cop Rock? Anyhow, Scar gives them 60 minutes and they all run off and start shoving at each other in front of the fridge. Sexist Pigshit grabs the entire package of pork sausage and refuses to trade when 80's Hooker offers to swap him ground beef...

...so neener-nanner-boo-boo!...

80's Hooker says she grew up on health food and was not allowed to watch TV so she's never actually "sat through" an entire episode of Sesame Street, but she knows who Cookie Monster is, so she's going to make a cookie of some kind. Plus, since she recognizes Big Bird, she's decided to feature an egg that she's molded into the tops of these weird hamburger nests. Someone should tell her it's shit like that that killed Mr. Hooper.

Meanwhile, Li'l Volt's telling us that his mom was "a mom mom" and had a home-cooked dinner on the table every night by 6pm, but when they moved in with their father that changed and they started having TV dinners "here and there" (i.e. "every night"). Since he's gotten a joyless show like Cheers he's going to do a spinoff on bar food (called it!). Seems to me he should have had a show with more angst and anal-retentiveness, such as Frasier...

...as he makes an unhappé frappé...

Bitter Jen was hoping for some kind of bone-in steak that she could tie into the Flintstones, but there isn't any such protein to be had in the kitchen right now (and no dinosaur meat, either) so instead she's grabbed a chicken and is going to make a roulade. She says she relates most to Pebbles because she had a "cute little boyfriend" in Bam-Bam, "I dunno that I like that he carries a club around and, like, pulls her by her hair, but... could be fun sometimes!"...

...so Bitter Jen does have a freak flag to fly... but I feel I must add...

...no one ever dragged this Pebbles around by the hair...

Fat Kid claims that he didn't eat TV dinners growing up (I guess it was overeating home-cooked fatty food that made him pudge up) but finds it even more foreign that his inspiration is Gilligan's Island which he snottily brags to us is "about twenty years before my TV-time"...

...yeah, because Geraldo and America's Funniest Home Videos were such better programming...

Big Volt's not taking my Korean food suggestion and is instead choosing to focus on food from the 50's, so he's making meatloaf & M.A.S.H.-ed taters, plus the very American apple pie. I'm wondering if this is going to be too literal of an interpretation of the classic TV dinner.

Meanwhile, DirtyBear admits he has "a soft spot" in his heart for a well-prepared frozen meal (not shocking) and tells us he can kinda relate to The Sopranos because his entire family lives on the same street and that to this day Grandma Bear still makes everybody breakfast every morning. How fun for her! I bet Clan of the Cave Bear calls her "dedicated" and "loving"...

...while the Department of Adult Protective Services would call it "elder abuse"...

Kidding! I'm sure she loves to do it... 'specially when her rheumatiz' is kickin' up dickens. Speaking of abuse, it appears that Bitter Jen's in for some more herself. She's managed to burn her garlic-cream sauce through inattention, and now she's not at all happy with how her food is turning out. Again. This is getting annoying. What happened to the tough East Coast girl who liked to make boys cry in the kitchen? Her right to safely roll her eyes over 80's Hooker's food is rapidly dwindling every time she winds up on the bottom with her.

Scar and LottaButt come back in to yell time and seat themselves in front of a 50's TV on a 60's couch...

...while Scar models another 70's pantsuit and LottaButt looks like an 80's commercial for Imodium...

All this mixing of decades is really getting to be a bit much. Anyhow, Bitter Jen is the first to present her Flintstonesian meal...

...maybe she shoulda thrown a couple of the vitamins in as garnish?...

LottaButt asks her how she felt in the end, and she just kinda nods and says "Ummmmmmmmmyeah, I feel okay right now." Great, I'm sure a lackluster answer like that is going to make them love her dish even more.

Sexist Pigshit's up next, and he claims he's never seen Seinfeld before, which LottaButt doesn't believe... and I have to say I don't either, I think Sexist's just saying that so he won't be held accountable for having to actually make a dish that's inspired by the show, it's his way of weaselling out of the challenge...

...then again, that show was supposed to be "about nothing" and I think that's pretty much what he's given them here...

Plus, that green vomit-y Exorcist looking stuff? Is pureéd spinach and pistachios, which is a WTF if I've ever seen one. However, Sexist did include toasted pine nuts on his warm fruit salad, which causes LottaButt to exclaim he's never met a toasted pine nut he didn't like...

...until now, anyhow...

Here comes DirtyBear to make sure they don't stop believing in him...

...by presenting them with "Tony's Testicles"...

Scar immediately says how much she loves his roasted cauliflower side dish, and LottaButt seems overjoyed that he's discovered peperoncino in the dish as well.

It's Fat Kid's turn to present his sneering take on a terrible show that was so far before his TV-time...

...and it's pissing me off that it looks so damned tasty, too...

Although I dunno about the combination of cherries and bananas together, but the rest of it really looks good. LottaButt mumbles something with his mouth full that sounds like a compliment, and I'm going to be really upset if Fat Kid wins this one.

Time to see if Li'l Volt's Cheers dish has become as depressing as Shelley Long's and Kirstie Alley's careers...

...eh, not bad, but it's certainly not a dish worthy of "Troop Beverly Hills"...

LottaButt gets all excited again that he has been able to identify the use of fennel in the food, and compliments Li'l Volt accordingly.

Oh boy, now we get 80's Hooker, whose description of her dish is one looooong babble about colors and big eyes and several other nonsensical phrases and weird imagery...

...such as her deconstructed e.coli burger...

It seems as though LottaButt is kinda recoiling from his tray as he attempts to think of something to say, and mentions he "likes the direction" of the dish, but I suspect it's another FAIL.

Bringing up the rear tonight is Big Volt's M.A.S.H. dish...

...which does look a little like Army-Issue cuisine...

Scar lets loose with one of her orgasmic "Mmmmmmmmmmmm!"s and LottaButt says it's really good, which makes Big Volt smile...

...in a rather nervous and sharklike fashion, but at least it beats the Li'l Volt Scowlies™...

Now that they've finished, Scar asks LottaButt "Whose dishes are up for cancellation?" Turns out that número uno en la lista is Bitter Jen's dish (which causes her to make this weird victory fist-pump when she hears her name called) because her pea salad was meh and her roulade required Rolaids. Then LottaButt says he hates to pick on the girls, but 80's Hooker's dish was also pegged for low ratings because the meat in her eggburger was dry and the rest of the dish was "not special".

On the side of Not-Sucking was DirtyBear, who LottaButt says kept his concept consistent, and did great meatballs, plus his pears were perfectly cooked. He also loved Big Volt's dish for his meatloaf roulade and the dessert made them go "Mmmmm." And because it's like sweet water to my parched and cracked soul, here are the faces of the Three Doucheketeers who clearly feel they should have been in the top, and just can't believe they're not...

...all are asshats, and asshats are all!...

And the winner tonight... is DirtyBear AGAIN! To be fair, Big Volt does look a little disappointed that he didn't win, but at least he's not pouting or planning revenge like his little brother would be doing right about now. As for DirtyBear's win, there's no more immunity left, but he smiles real big when Scar says that a "version of his winning dish" will be featured in the new line of Top Chef frozen foods available from Schwan's home delivery service. As if anybody can afford that shit these days. DirtyBear's so cute, he jokingly asks if they can put his picture on the packaging and then poses for it...

...DirtyBear's impression of Sexist Pigshit?...

No, that can't be right, because Sexist would have affected some kind of suburban gangsta posin' bullshit more akin to this...

...because I can never have enough stuntaz of any temperature in my life...

In any case, DirtyBear is excited and says the Schwan's man used to come around to Grandma Bear's house when he was a little kid, and obviously he didn't give a second thought to how that sentence sounded, especially when he says "Theoretically?... The Schwan's man could be my Grandpa... She might be able to buy, like, the meal with my face on it."

So for today's Elimination Challenge, they'll be taking over Daddy Tom's Vegas restaurant Craftsteak at the MGM Grand, and LottaButt gives us a great big shiteating grin while exclaiming what a great restaurant it is, and how Daddy Tom makes a killer steak, and I totally believe him, because it's so plausible that he would ever come on this show and say the place sucks. Anyhow, Scar says for one night the menu will be completely theirs, they'll be serving four judges and seven guests, and then turns them loose to go home and plan some shit that we know will be completely thrown out of the window the following day.

The next morning at the McMansion, Bitter Jen's doing her best to look sexy for the cameras...

...don't ever change, babe...

She admits she's just tired and not at the top of her game and needs to refocus. It probably doesn't help that 80's Hooker is bouncing around like a hyperactive terrier and saying how nice it would be if a boy was sent home instead of a girl this time. How about do the challenge first, honey?

Of course, we're treated to our daily Sexist Pigshit bluster in which he insists he's not at all intimidated by the others and their skills (even though he's never once won an Elimination Challenge) and that he's just gonna do what he does (ignore whatever the challenge is and make mediocre Greek food) and hope the judges like it. Why does it feel like I've typed that same paragraph 9 times before this?

Anyhow, they wind up at Craftsteak and everyone immediately heads into the kitchen to check out all the meat, and they are orgasming right and left over the lovely array of juicy hunks of former animals that are laid out for them. I think DirtyBear might actually be drooling a little. Before they can really get started, though, Daddy Tom himself shows up...

...and is doing a really horrible job of hiding that he knows they're about to get vegefucked...

He says that he and Scar have a "special guest in town" and that they're going to be cooking for her and calls Natalie Portman out. Fat Kid immediately pops a huge two-inch erection and tells us the only important acting work Nat's ever done was Star Wars, and I'm guessing he's got a life-size blowup Queen Amidala bop bag at home with crusty stains on it. Oh please... you think that's gross? Check out Sexist Pigshit's expression...

...speaking of Phantom Menaces...

Now I'm a little afraid for her, because that's some serious eye-raping going on, but that won't last long, because she's about to deliver her poorly-concealed blow to the cheftestants as Daddy Tom invites her to tell them about her likes and dislikes. After a far-too-long lead-in yippy-yap-yapping about all the different flavors and cuisines she loves to try, she drops her bomb about being a vegetarian, and... zzzzzzz.

Honestly, this was bad timing, because vegetarian is not nearly as restrictive as vegan, therefore this to me is a far easier challenge than the one levelled at our Top Chef Masters a few months ago. If they had really wanted to fuck everybody up, they should have told them she was a Level 6 Vegan (they will eat nothing that has been touched by human hands, so you often find them clustered about at the foot of fruit trees with their faces turned upwards and their mouths wide open... they also drink directly from the Slurpee machine this way, because that counts too).

As I suspected, 80's Hooker claims she loves cooking vegetarian food because "they're people, too!" and believes she's going to really shine on this challenge...

..."The same way I brilliantly shone at Pigs'n'Pinot and the Kowboy Kampout!"...

Hmmm, did "shine" suddenly become a synonym for "suck"? Anyhow, it's back to the pile-up at the pantry as everyone frantically tries to rethink their dishes. Sexist Pigshit yells for dibs on leeks, while 80's Hooker nabs the wild garbanzo beans, and DirtyBear calls kale. When in the supermarket does anybody ever fight over these ingredients? Bitter Jen is going for the morel mushrooms... at least until 80's Hooker tells her that she and DirtyBear are using them, too, and then suddenly Jen doesn't want them anymore. Someone should tell her that you can't catch the "80's Hooker Shine" that way.

Instead she heads for some big beautiful eggplants, but Fat Kid's also wanting to use them, so to make it fair they flip a dried out orange chip, and it apparently must have landed on the "spiky-haired doucheputz" side, because Fat Kid's taking them, and Bitter Jen is now stuck with having to use these teensy baby eggplants...

...or she's describing Fat Kid's Queen Amidala boner...

Of course, she makes me want to grab her by her side-ponytail and shove her face in Fat Kid's sweaty ass-crack when she goes on to say "I should change my idea right now, but I'm pretty much set on using eggplant." Oh yes, this kind of realization often ends well. Like never.

Hey, guess what awesomely original idea Sexist Pigshit is having? Well, because Dicky Blazehawk once made bananas look like scallops, and because everybody knows that scallops are akin to Holy Manna from God's Seven-Eleven-In-Heaven™, he's decided that he's going to make his leeks look like scallops, too! He's so proud of this idea that he's telling the others allll about it in that enduringly stupid way he has of stating the obvious, "I'm gonna call 'em 'leek-scallops'... cuz they'll look like scallops."

Which is why it's all the more sweeter when DirtyBear glances at him and quick as a whip snorts, "Look like scallops, taste like shit." and goes right back to looking for more produce as Sexist Pigshit giggles along and pretends they're laughing with him and not at him. Privately he brags to us that his restaurant has 60 dishes on the menu and over 20 of them are vegetarian, "I'm not worried about anything."...

..."Because I can't possibly fuck up worse than Robin."...

You know that's what he's thinking, too. Except what's so fucking great about leeks in the shape of scallops??!? You can have dogshit in the shape of candybars and it's still gonna taste like dogshit. Ah well, I can only hope and pray that the Ever-Turning Giant Scallop Of Karma™ is rumbling it's way down on him as we speak.

Meanwhile, DirtyBear's really taking his time to think things through, noting that it's hard to get the same satiated feeling you have after a meaty meal when you've only got veggies to work with, and tells us he knows what it feels like because he and his wife apparently give up meat for Lent every year. OMG, I totally remember that! I always used to try and give up shit I really hated (such as peas and lima beans and going to church) but my mom insisted that that was not a sacrifice, you had to give up something that you really liked (such as ice cream or the movies or masturbation) or else Jesus would know you weren't serious and you might burn in hell for it. I would usually tell her that Heath-Crunch Klondike bars (and masturbation) were worth going to hell for and then I would find myself on a sudden fast for the rest of the evening. Or the week.

Anyhow, he really wants to have a vegetable dish that's going to be satisfying, so he's using kale, turnips and morel mushrooms to create a meal that he hopes will have people forgetting that there was no meat in it...

...kinda like when you have a mouthful of Housewives...

Now that the others have cleared out of the pantry, 80's Hooker is free to go crazy amongst the veggies, and go crazy she does as she tells us there were so many different ideas going through her head that she just "couldn't focus". *sigh* She's so blown away by the presence of fresh garbanzo beans and Hen-Of-The-Woods mushrooms and all the other awesome produce in Daddy Tom's kitchen that she's going to make something with 84,627 components that she's never made before.

Because 80's Hooker just lives to do shit like that, Sexist Pigshit's acting all cocky and calm, "Eh, I don't care what I cook... it don't make a difference to me.... I'll cook anything... I'll cook dogs!" Um, except that's not vegetarian, numbnuts. Plus, I gotta love his sincere passion for food there. Now we find out the other reason why he's so overconfident, it's because Mama Pigshit was a Vegan when he was growing up! I'm thinking it's too bad she wasn't more into contraception as well.

Hey, here's Fat Kid again, and he says he actually feels kind of bad for the veg-heads because normally they just get a bunch of random tossed vegetables served to them, which is why he's using the eggplant for it's meat-like texture. He also acknowledges what we've all been saying for weeks when he admits he's really only been mediocre-middlin' in the competition so far, and says that it's annoying him. Well, that explains why he's paying it forward to the viewers! I guess not being a clear front-runner for Top Chef can make someone bitter enough to become a cancer-victim-hater. "I might be immature in terms of my career or the house, but I'm just as passionate as anybody else!"...

..."Just ask my Queen Amidala bop bag!"...

Li'l Volt condescendingly tells Fat Kid that he "did a great job today." Oh please, on what exactly? I guess he must be referring to the Quickfire in which both of them were in the forgettable middle? Yeah, way to strive to be average. Fat Kid breaks his neck to kiss Li'l Volt's sour ass right back as he says "Chef, I'm just here to help you."

Now Li'l Volt's boring me to tears talking about what an awesome artist he is with his food and shows us that he's taking all varieties of asparagus and doing all these amazing things with them (like dipping them in what looks like guacamole) and then continues travelling down Astonishing Avenue by mixing bananas and polenta together (which is an idea he picked up from one of the myriad chefs he's been fired by worked for).

Of course, when 80's Hooker happens by and asks if she can borrow some of his boiling water he refuses her out-of-hand because she isn't one of the Cool Kids With Overgelled Hair™. He saves his niceties for guys like Fat Kid and Sexist Pigshit who bow down before his artistry...

...and, I might add, comes dangerously close to slicing off 80's Hooker's left nipple!!...

Seriously uncool (not to mention unprofessional) to be gesturing with a sharp knife like that so closely in her direction! I could bet zillions that he would have chastised her for exactly the same thing if she had done something so careless!

Ruh-roh! It looks like Project Leeky-Scallop has run into trouble. Sexist Pigshit insists he put his leeks in to boil within the first five minutes of their competition, but after 20 minutes the water isn't boiling, so he leaves them on for another 20 minutes and it still won't boil. Then he notices that his pot is wobbling and claims that a warped bottom is the reason why the water isn't boiling and the leeks aren't cooking. That could be true I suppose, but I would have thought at that point he'd have picked a different pot. Also, he's calling Daddy Tom's cookware warped?...

...I smell someone running for Mayor Of ExcusesVille!...

Bitter Jen's beating her vegetables against the table as part of her preparation, but it just looks plain abusive to me. She says she would never ever be a vegetarian, but she can cook vegetarian food when she absolutely has to. Well, gosh, it sounds like someone's Passion Tank is edging on over into the "E" (for "Eh") territory. The only way she could show any less enthusiasm would be if she were no longer breathing. She's still pissed that Fat Kid won the big eggplants out from under her, and says using the baby ones is going to make things that much harder. Which is why I'm beginning to believe that she's just plain tired of it all and wants to go home, and that's a damned shame. Then again, if I had to live with El Greeko Captain BlowHawk and The Skidmark Kid, I'd probably be ready to stick my head in the oven as well.

We haven't heard much from Big Volt, prolly because he's been cooking as opposed to bullshitting everyone or congratulating himself. He says he felt pretty good going into this, but now realizes that he's going to be cutting it REALLY close as far as the timing of completing his dish, which is making him nervous. Strangely, he doesn't seem to be looking for a way to blame the cookware, or the produce (or 80's Hooker) for the situation.

Speaking of Sexist Pigshit, as time is running out he's gotten his leeks out and has attempted to cut them into their desired scallop shape and he's noticing they aren't really cooked all the way through and they're kinda tasteless, so he's decided to hide those facts by plating them in such a way that the diners will have to eat everything together and thus a magical and heavenly dish will be brought to life...

...except the sad, sad leeks seem to disagree...

You know a dish is fucked up when the chef trots out "It is what it is" because that clearly means what it isn't is "any good". Still, points to Pigshit for sheer ballsiness in believing he can still pull this off without making Natalie Portman gag.

Of course, 80's Hooker wouldn't be 80's Hooker if she didn't almost completely forget a main ingredient, which happens to be the very garbanzo beans she was orgasming over earlier in the challenge, and she runs out of time before she can get them on the last three plates. If that had been me I would have just been grabbing them by the double handful and pitching them down my line of plates in the hopes that everyone would get a few. Or I would have dumped everything in a big bowl and claimed I was serving it "family style". Or I would have made a salad and called it a "Lettucymphony".

80's is up first to present her dish to NatPort, her vegetarian friends and the judges...

...oooh, trés vegedelic!...

That plate looks like a set of Prang watercolors. After Scar takes a few bites she says the chermoula has a lot of salt in it, "I feel my ankles swelling!" and NatPort comments that she's never had fresh garbanzo beans before. Daddy Tom speaks out right away to say he doesn't have any on his plate (ugh, of all the people to not get food!) but LottaButt is here to save the day and gives him a couple of his. Natalie likes the fact that the plate was so beautiful and says she loved, well... looking at it. Then Gail Simmo- OMG Gail's back this week! And she's wearing another one of her hideous blouses that looks like Audrey II tried to eat her but then gagged and spit her up half way!...

...and tell the little TV amateur next to you to stop breaking the fourth wall!...

Sorry, I'm just so happy to see Gail that I don't even really mind her Little Loofah Dress of Horrors! Anyhow, she chimes in that there is definitely a salt/seasoning issue, and Daddy Tom echoes that the entire dish is just out of balance. Natalie's starting to look pissy and put out...

..."Don't these people remember that I was in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium??!?"...

Fat Kid's up next, and luckily his li'l boner for Queen Amidala doesn't hamper his ability to waddle. His dish also curiously looks like faux-scallops...

x

...and it also appears to be giving us a Picasso-like frown...

Gail's loving the texture of the eggplant while Natalie says she likes the salad. LottaButt says the presentation was thoughtful but that he just got a bit of lavender blossom in his mouth and that the effect was "rather polarizing" in that it made him think he was sucking on a bar of soap. Wellnow, if that isn't a pleasant after-dinner-taste!

Fat Kid's back in the kitchen and warns Sexist Pigshit and Big Volt that Natalie's got "ten really hot friends with her!" which tells me he's got pretty low standards because we all know that NO Hollywood starlet is going to have pretty girlfriends, they will only surround themselves with a bevy of fuggos to enhance their own beauty in contrast...

...See? Angelina's an old pro at it!...

Where was I? OH yeah, Li'l Volt is suddenly running around the kitchen (so unprofessional!) looking for his precious chopped hazelnuts. He's panicked because he's got so many components to plate, and he's using a blowtorch on some stuff as well. Naturally he talks some more about how he takes more risks than anyone else in the competition with his food (and if he calls himself a "maverick" then I'm going to make a sunburnt scoopy-nosed voodoo doll and shove every T-pin I can find at STAPLES into it). Of his puny competition he says, "I hope they understand my seriousness about winning this competition." I think the word he's really looking for is "humorlessness".

Oh well, here's what he hopes will have Natalie Portman "go walking away from this dish scratching her head saying 'I don't know why I like that, but I just did.'"...

...or maybe she'll have an allergic reaction to the bananas and stagger away scratching her throat and gasping for air...

Natalie's all gushy over having banana in her polenta, she just can't say enough about it. Ugh, can it, bitch! For Jeebus' sake, It's not like getting peanut butter in your chocolate! Fortunately we can always count on Gail to give us a reality check, and she says while it's fun that Li'l Volt is kinda trying to turn everything upside down, she's discovered several large lumps of banana in her portion that she finds "a little bit off-putting." Excuse me a moment, but BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Even more fun, one of Nat's fuglier friends says Li'l Volt is "like, Picasso!" which gets a big laugh from everyone and forces Natalie to scramble to regain their attention as she claims the dish makes her so happy, "It makes me, like, smile and laugh, and I'm confused!" Blurgh, this is the same kind of ditzy crap that was coming out of Zooey Deschanel's mouth. Let's move on.

Bitter Jen's not liking how her plates look, and she's noticed that the amount of food on them is supposedly much much less than everyone else's...

...well, if it's any consolation, that plate'd be a gigantic pigout feast to a walking skeleton like Rachel Zoe...

She proceeds to go around the entire table and drizzle some of her verjus nage (pronounced "vair-ZHJOO nayyyzhjjuh") sauce on everyone's plates, but she's such a bundle of nerves that she might as well have just put it in a watering can and walked down each side of the table raining on everyone's plate as she goes.

After she leaves, someone whispers "She was so nervous!" and Scar agrees that Jen was really shaking badly. Gail says everything tastes beautifully, there's lotsa flavor and for her the best part is the verjus! Nat agrees, saying it added "some danger to the presentation" since she almost spilled it on everyone! HA, it's great to make fun of other people's nerves, isn't it Nat? I hope you remember that the next time you have a tough audition for a part you really want. And I hope that part goes to Shannen Doherty instead of you.

In any case, Gail also notes that it didn't quite feel substantial enough to be a main course, which sets Queen Amidala complaining that so many times vegetarians get served what "feels like a collection of sides". Oh wah, cry me a river Miss Golden Globe Winner and then tell me you don't have your own personal fucking chef to cook you turnips in ten thousand ways. I'll smack you with a soggy leek.

Oooh, speaking of which, it's time for those as well!...

...I can't express how utterly appetizing it would be to have an exploded and deflated used- condom served to me...

Scar zeroes in on him right away when he gets done with his description, bluntly asking "So where is the protein?" and Pigshit stutters that the "vision" he had for the protein was the leek. Daddy Tom and Nat both look incredulous at this...

...perhaps he was referring to the stuff inside those ribbed and damaged Trojans?...

Scar says it smells like boiled turnips or cabbage, and Daddy Tom says "If this were a steak, it's too rare." One of Nat's other fug friends says the orange and purple colors of the dish were beautiful, but Natalie herself says she wants to like it more since she loves leeks and purple is her favorite color, but, eh, not so much here. Gail thinks there might have been a good idea in there somewhere, but he just didn't execute it properly. Pardon me a moment while I do the Happy Condomania Dance™!

As he predicted, Big Volt nearly ran out of time, and wound up having to scatter his garlic on his plates in a fashion that is not his usual method, it turns out he also left some items off the dish as well and fears he might be bottoming tonight as well...

...this is an entreé??!?...

Funny, his dish looks about as anemic as Bitter Jen's did, portionwise, but nobody's saying anything about that. Natalie says it tastes lemony, and Scar asks her if she likes the garlic blossoms he threw on the plates. She replies that they're spicy and then Scar says "It's like a little prick on the tip of my tongue!" which makes everyone giggle (cuz we all know whose little prick she's had on her tongue) as she tries to clarify that although the blossoms are tiny in size they were "big in your mouth" and they all cackle some more. Since Daddy Tom can't turn down a lame sex joke he jumps right in, saying "They went from a little prick to big in your mouth." which prompts a raspy-voiced member of Nat's FugCrew to fire back at him, "That's what usually happens!"...

...uhhh, not for you it doesn't...

Jeez, my 64-year-old heavily Catholic mother can come up with a better double-entendré than that! Anyhow, they don't really say anything else about Big Volt's dish, so I guess silly sex references are the best compliment he's going to get out of it. You're welcome, Biggie.

Lastly, DirtyBear's plating his dish and notes that it's a lot sloppier looking than he'd like it to be, but veggies just don't behave the same way animal flesh does when you're serving them to people, and he's intimidated by some of the prettier plates people have put out...

...eeee, he's right, that does look a little splatty...

LottaButt immediately notices that DirtyBear's dish is "richer" and "feels more like an entreé". Gail calls it "meaty" as well, but says the smoke on the kale was really strong and a little out of balance for her. Daddy Tom says DirtyBear's dish proved that veggies "don't have to be light all the time" while Nat calls it "a manly vegetarian meal!" Mm-hmm, you ain't kiddin' sister. DirtyBear's my kinda man.

As for the shitfucker who clearly isn't my kind of man, Sexist Pigshit's nervous because he knows he didn't execute well, but is holding on to the fact that 80's Hooker didn't finish plating, either, which obviously makes him feel better, "I'm not concerned at this point, I know I'm gonna pull through. I always do." Dear Karma Scallop: please don't let me down again. Especially when Bitter Jen is pretty sure she screwed the roots out of her dish.

BTW, they all got a chance to have a fabulous dinner at LottaButt's restaurant, and DirtyBear is making me fall hard for him when he tells everyone that he once ate 130 chicken wings in an hour!...

...dammit, DirtyBear, stop teasing me with your fabulousness!...

He says the spread of Italian food that LottaButt made for them was one of the best meals he's ever had, and it appears there was no shortage of meats in it, either. I bet Daddy Tom wishes he had been there, too, instead of getting hit on by NataPort's Fug Posse as they get drunk on the vino.

Scar enters the Stew Room and asks to see DirtyBear (yay!), Li'l Volt (boo!) and Fat Kid (double boo!). Ah well, at least we can enjoy the rictus of horror on Sexist Pigshit's face as he realizes he's not winning this round...

...awwww, sad leek dance!...

Daddy Tom tells Li'l Volt he was convinced the whole banana-polenta thing wasn't going to work, but the dish reminded him why he should keep an open mind to things, because it actually did work. Natalie says the dish had so much humor in it, she just loved how everyone ate it and gave each other WTF looks. Weird how it came from the most humor-free cheftestant in the universe.

As for Fat Kid, I think he's about to pop right there in his BVD XXLs just being so close to the Mother of Princess Leia, he barely hears Gail telling him how great his dish was, or Daddy Tom telling him how much fun it was...

...Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. ...

As for DirtyBear, Natalie's gushing, she loves kale, people rarely do it well for her, it had great texture, the flavor was special, it was just a wonderful dish, and Daddy Tom agrees and says he "didn't miss the meat at all!" So Natalie gets to tell them who won... and it's DIRTYBEAR AGAIN!!!!

OMG, he's the first one to pull of a Quickfire/Elimination combo like this! He's happy to have won this one, because he feels like he's proven he can cook veggies as well as meat. Plus, he's won a "suite" of G.E. Monotone appliances just like the ones they've been using in the Top Chef Kitchen!

Of course, it wouldn't be right to have someone win without Li'l Volt being bitter about losing and talking shit. "He put turnip pureé, roasted turnips and a big pile of sauteéd mushrooms on top of that. *I* could have made that dish in 20 minutes."...

...and now I bet Bitter Boyfriend wishes he had, huh?...

Oh, but he's not done... "For a dish that I could have made the second year of my apprenticeship to win? I was obviously pissed off." Yes, because everyone knows blowtorches automatically make food taste better. At least, that was Jeffrey Dahmer's opinion on the subject. Asshat. Oh well, too bad for you Li'l Voltie, you're the bridesmaid once again.

Meanwhile, Fat Kid's invited 80's Hooker, Bitter Jen... and Sexist Pigshit to go see the judges! Starting with Pigshit, Natalie wants to know why his dish didn't really have a protein on it, and he trots out his same tired-ass story about wanting to make his leek-scallops because they'd look like a protein. Gail's kinda incredulous here, "But, you know that leeks aren't protein, right?" and Sexist is forced to answer "Yes!" (with a tinge of his nasty attitude thrown back at her for good measure). Scar says they were super-pungent because they weren't cooked evenly, and he starts blaming his buckled pot for not heating the water, and tries to claim everything else in the dish was great, but Daddy Tom says nothing else mattered, they couldn't get past the shitty leeks, and insists that he could have cut them in half and roasted them in 20 minutes, they just wouldn't have looked like scallops. Pigshit just shrugs and says he didn't think of it. "Whatever, whatever... what am I gonna do?"

...uhhh, piss off the head judge for starters?...

Yeah, his blasé attitude is going over real well with Daddy Tom. 80's Hooker is next and goes on another one of her big babbling explanations of why her dish should have worked, but she also mentions having never worked with fresh garbanzo beans before and never having stuffed a squash blossom before and blah blah blah everyone's eyes are glazing over, and finally Daddy Tom stops her and says she's all over the map, the dish can't come together because there's nothing to tie it together, plus he didn't get any garbanzo beans on his plate. 80's Hooker admits that she cooked with her "head spinning" today.

For Bitter Jen, Scar's complaint is that she didn't see two hours worth of work on the plate, and Daddy Tom tells her it felt like she just put forth a garnish. Jen admits it was barely bigger than an amuse-bouche. Scar also brings up the fact that some of them wound up wearing her verjus nage sauce, and Jen just pleads that the judges always make her nervous. Daddy Tom points out that her performance has been tanking, and she says she hopes she has another day to prove to them that she's good, and if not, thanks for the opportunity. That kind of defeatist stuff never sits well with Daddy Tom, either. They are sent out.

Once alone, Daddy Tom says he likes the fact that this challenge throws the cheftestants out of their comfort zones, some of them were able to roll with it really well, while others sucked shit through a tube. Then Natalie gets all bitchy diva on us and says "It's a very real-life challenge! I am constantly walking into restaurants that don't have vegetarian entreés.... and the chefs improvise!"...

...Okay, um... a.) Then quit walking into Black Angus and Ruth's Chris... and
b.) Most chefs won't "improvise" for regular peons like me, only celebitches like you... and
c.) Carry a Ziploc of carrot sticks with you and stop trying to ruin Burger King for everyone else!...

Gail notes that Sexist Pigshit is exuding a lot of arrogance as if he knows he didn't do well but doesn't really believe he's going to go home for it. Natalie points out that he kept focusing on the leeks as the issue, but she didn't really like the other elements of his dish, either. Meanwhile Pigshit's back in the Stew Room making more excuses, saying that he didn't have access to the stuff he normally uses, like his "yogurts and whatever else." 80's Hooker looks him dead in the face and quietly says "Shoulda, woulda, coulda." BWAHAHAHAHAHA, good one 80's!...

...even though everybody still hates you...

So they are called back and after the rehashing of everyone's faults, the chef going home tonight... OMG, OMG, OMG, OMFG, IT'S FUCKING SEXIST PIGSHIT!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLOL!! 80's Hooker outlasted him! Thank you for answering my prayers, Karmic Scallop! Of course he's not going to gracefully fade away without insisting that she should have gone home before him, but fuck that, this is like Christmas come early. Now if she could just pick off Fat Kid next, I'd feel like this season had fulfilled my every desire.

As for 80's Hooker, she's happy to still be around, and feels that the mood in the house should become less "backstabby" and "ugly" now that Pigshit's leaving. Of course, right as she says this they show Fat Kid throwing a temper tantrum and kicking stuff off of a shelf like the little fatbrat he is. Um, I think the "ugly" and "backstabby" ain't really gone yet, honey.

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Are you as pleased as I am to see Sexist Pigshit leaving BEFORE 80's Hooker? Do you no longer wish for Li'l Volt to win this season? And wasn't Natalie Portman kind of a cooze? Thanks as always for your patience and commentary, and I hope everybody had a Happy Halloween. I'm off to have some more "fun-size" candybars now.

love, J-Mo :)

Anyway, time to move on and really sink our teeth into Episode Numero Ocho! The show opens with it's montage of grunts and muffin tops. As the theme music to the show plays, the contestants effectively grunt along in tune. It's amazing, really. All it's missing are the musical medleys of someone playing skin harp on one of those big floppy bellies! Any volunteers for that one?

After eliminating Dina, the black team re-enters the house sniffling and dejected. I would think they'd be excited because it's one less person to split the food supply with. What? Did you really think I wouldn't be making fat jokes with this show? It's okay. Shamu is one of my best friends, so I'm allowed to joke about these things. Amanda tells us that she voted Dina out of the house because she's better friends with the other people on her team. Liz tells us that she doesn't buy the tears. She thinks that the black team enjoyed getting rid of Dina. Why Liz is so mean, I dunno. But we're only five minutes in and I'm already ready for her to shut her trap. Wrinkles and all.

The next morning, the teams meet Allison Sweeney outside. She tells Rudy that if he loses 100 pounds, then he will have set a Biggest Loser record. Um. What? Okay, I'm new to this season, so I don't know what this guy's been doing, but how on earth does one lose 100 pounds in SEVEN WEEKS?! They must be sucking the fat out of him in some illegal way, right? Maybe they are slowing removing his internal organs to shed the pounds. How much does a kidney weigh? Rudy looks like the type of dude who could easily function with just one. Anyway, Dane lost the same amount of weight in eight weeks last season, so Rudy would be breaking his record. Huzzah! Fat people with goals are just adorable.

So that skinny bitch Allison tells us that this week, they'll be going head-to-head with someone from the opposite team. Whoa! Shocker! You're telling me they'll be -- GASP! -- competing with the opposite team?!?! It just can't be. They'll face off against their opponent at the weigh-in. Each winner will score a point for their team. The team with the most points wins.

Whoever wins the POP CHALLENGE will choose competitors. Hmm...pop challenge. Kinda like a pop quiz. Speaking of those, you know how some teachers call those "quizzacles?" What do you think they call tests, then? Quizzacle...? Testic...? Go ahead and connect the dots on that one, Gasmii. Speaking of balls, this pop challenge involves a long, sleek bar. They have to weave under the bar and touch discs hanging on either side. Each time they touch the disc, it's one point. The first team to 500 points wins. Only one player can compete at a time, and each player only gets one turn. At first I thought this looked easy. But then I thought about how I lost my breath by walking up the one flight of stairs to my office earlier today, and then I decided that not only was this challenge next to impossible but also cruel and unusual.

The bell sounds, and it's seriously like the Special Olympics. I'm sorry. I know that's offensive. All of my hate mail can be directed to Flip It. The black team starts off ahead when Abby makes a strong showing against Tracey, who exclaims, "Darn tootin' I'm going to 100!" Yikes. Tracey really must work harder to mask her inner Yosemite Sam. Allan, however, then takes the lead for the Blue Team as he slaps those discs silly! Oh, and then MY favorite part of the show: Liz falls down! See? Not even GRAVITY likes that crazy old coot.

Liz tags Rudy in, who makes up ground. The competition is tight until the very end. But then Becca goes completely disc-slapping bonkers and blows Daniel out of the water at the very end. The Blue team wins!

The black team is sad that they've lost every challenge. The blue team goes to deliberate match-ups for the competition. They meet in a boxing ring to announce their decisions. Becca will compete against Amanda. Tracey will face Abby. Allan is paired with Danny. Rudy with Shay. Liz is up against Daniel. And I'll be competing against my strong desire to fall asleep during this show. Luckily, I have the home-team advantage of uppers, downers, and candy corn.

The blue team starts by training in the pool with Bob. He tells them to splash the water so hard that it creates a hurricane. I want SO badly to make a whale joke right here, but it's just too easy. Although that would be a perfect segue into my hilarious material about Bob's blow-hole.

The black team is in the gym with Jillian who is perched on the top of Amanda's treadmill like a freakin' vulture. Seriously, she's just stalking that poor girl, waiting for her to fail so that she can rip apart her meaty carcass. Naturally, Amanda cracks under the pressure of Jillian's death stare. She totally freaks out, cries and eventually leaves the gym entirely. She whines about the tv cameras and being a fat girl. But, really, I think her strategy is to lose water weight through crying buckets. Think about it. It's really not a bad idea. The best part about the whole scene is that poor Danny is trying to jog on the next treadmill over. He appears obviously awkward and eventually slinks away to hide under a stair master.

Later, the teams meet Allison at a baseball field. Danny spouts off some crap about how he's wearing a #73 jersey because that's the number of Jimmy Dean sausages he ate that morning. And also the number on his jersey when he won state in 1985. Omg. Not another one of THOSE guys. He is one bad haircut away from morphing into Napoleon Dynamite's Uncle Rico. Maybe he should buy a time machine from the Internet to go replay his glory days. Funny though because my school was actually The Bombers too.

The ground is covered in baseballs, and there are also enormous photos of the contestants that were taken when they first came to the ranch. So they are even fatter in the photos and are horrified by the way they used to look. Who better to tell them the rules of this pointless challenge than Derek Jeter, natch! Poor DJ. His agent must have drawn up an extra weird contract for him this year. When a commitment to appear on The Biggest Loser is written in the fine print, then you got hosed. Derek first congratulates Daniel on his second season of being morbidly obese and then points out that the black team completely sucks. Isn't it beautiful to know that Derek Jeter cares? I was touched.

Our corpulent competitors have to grab as many balls as they can and throw them at the giant photos of their opponents. When one person's photo is hit by 316 balls, then they are out of the game. The winning team will have lunch cooked by Curtis Stone and a two pound advantage at weigh-in. Abby is unable to play, so Tracey will also be sitting out.

The teams start gathering balls in their mitts and throw them at the targets. Sadly, it's actually more exciting than baseball. In fact, baseball should be played like this from now on. I'd love to see giant photos of baseball players all in their underwear. The most interesting part of this challenge is when Liz claims that she's 50 years old! Um, someone obviously can't do math. I would have guessed that she's not one day younger than 942. The Black team slowly picks off the Blue members, starting with their best player, Allan. This strategy causes them to easily win.

The Black team immediately goes to meet Curtis for a lesson in grilling. Isn't it counterproductive to reward the winners with a bunch of food? Hello, emotional eating trends! Trust me, I'm an expert in that area. Anyway, Curtis is there to show them hands-on tips for grilling healthy food. All I can think about is how I'd accept HANDS-ON experience with him any day! In fact, I think we could all learn much better if he was wearing ONLY the apron.

The Black team enjoys the food. And I think it'd be really funny if the Blue team was forced to watch them eat. I know I'd laugh.

The next day, the Black team quietly works out in the gym. Jillian asks what Abby is gaining. She says she's able to love people again because it's scary to love people when you're fat. Jillian asks what it was like to lose everything she's ever loved. We hear Abby's story again. Her husband, daughter and baby were killed five miles from her home by a speeding driver. She tells Jillian that she was supposed to be in the van, but she wasn't. She says she wants to live now and not just exist.

Amanda takes Jillian outside to talk about the break-down she had in the gym the other day. Jillian says that she didn't walk out on her, she walked out on herself. Amanda says it's hard to be the leader when she used to always be the fat girl in the back. She's scared of change. And then I fell asleep. Sorry but Amanda and her "former fat girl" sob story just bores me to tears. Nothing but the shocking site of Danny's baloney nipples can possibly pull me out of this haze.

Meanwhile, Bob is making Allan jump onto boxes, and this is, for some reason, empowering. But Bob is seems really into it. Danny is lifting weight and massively grunting. What is WITH these people and grunting? Does it really make them more productive?

When learn more about Shay. She is climbing a ladder, which she says mirrors the pain in her life. She tells Jillian about how her mom shot up drugs in front of her and had men in her hotel room while she was in the closet. Wow, sexiling your daughter is pretty low, Shay's Mom. That is only acceptable with college roommates or at hotel rooms in Vegas.

Okay, moving right along, we are now at the weigh in! The Black team gives their two-point advantage to Amanda. She loses four pounds, which becomes six pounds. (I, too, am impressed by my superior brain power when it comes to adding!) Rebecca loses nine pounds, though, so Blue gains a point.

Tracey loses five pounds to Abby's three. So the Blue team only needs one more point to win. But Danny loses 12 pounds, beating Allan's eight, so Black stays in the game.

Next up, Liz loses seven pounds to Daniel's five. So the Blue team wins the weigh off! But they still need to weigh Shay and Rudy. Shay loses nine pounds, so that gives Danny immunity. As for Rudy, now we get to find out if he broke Dane's record by losing 100 pounds in seven weeks. Dane actually shows up! He tells us that he'll be competing in a triathlon in the morning with 12 other former contestants. And the build up gets so big that I wonder how embarrassing it will be if Rudy were to gain weight. But alas! Rudy loses 14 pounds and officially breaks the record! Everyone cheers. I wonder if he's been secretly sucking his fat out at night and injecting it into poor struggling Daniel. Is it possible to conduct a covert fat transfusion mission?

In the elimination room, Abby asks to go home. She says something about knowing how to soar and being able to fly at home. Whatever. It's all her teammates need to give her the axe. So Abby goes packing this week. She swims in a river of tears back to her home town where she see her reunited with friends and family. She's now lost 80 pounds and travels the country as a motivational speaker.

Abby says that she was able to take a tragic event and turn it into something positive. Does that mean there's hope for this show???

All right, Gasmii! That's it for this week!

much love,
MandaMo
xoxo

Hi Gasmii--

I'll let Bravo executive spokesmodel Miss Thing Andy Cohen open us up today in classic overwrought style: "After a season of controversy and betrayal, surprising new alliances, shocking twists of fate, boys in high heels and a one-hit wonder, Part One starts tonight!" But don't get too excited. Up until the last few minutes, it's kinda snoozy.

If you don't live in Southern California, skip down to the recap. But if you do, you're in for a huge treat. The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center presents their outrageous live game show parody The Mis-Match Game, in which some of the funniest and most twisted local performers impersonate a celebrity panel trying to match contestants for semi-valuable prizes. This Saturday, November 7, the special guest star is Julie Brown! No, not the plastic surgery casualty ex-VJ, the white talented one! I have been a crazed Julie Brown fan since her novelty record "The Homecoming Queen's Got A Gun" came out when I was in junior high, and I especially love her playfully vicious Madonna Truth Or Dare spoof Medusa: Dare To Be Truthful.

Hold onto your weaves: Julie will be playing Kim Zolciak from RHOA! The promo materials for the show state that she's playing Paula Abdul, but my boyfriend's her assistant's brother, and I have it confirmed that since Julie is obsessed with RHOA, she's switchin' it up and doing Kim. Google The Mis-Match Game at the Renberg Theatre, which is near Santa Monica & Highland in Hollywood and be there Saturday night at 8 PM. It's a benefit for the Center's Cultural Arts Program. Maybe I'll get chosen to be a contestant. Or maybe YOU will!

Miss Thing welcomes the assembled Housewives and us to the "home of the hottest parties in town, Atlanta's historic Opera nightclub". He says it's exciting "and a little scary" to have all five Wives together in one room. Kandi has already had enough of Miss Thing's tired, passive-aggressive hype and asks him what's so scary about it. "It's been such a drama-filled season!" MT lisps, apparently unwilling to just come out and say that NeNe, Kim and Sheree are all quite capable of physically assaulting him.

In the wide shot, it looks like Sheree has a huge bruise halfway up her calf. Maybe it's a tattoo, but it's more likely one of the "boys", her Gay Lawrence, snapped and kicked her hard with his high heel for selling him out before the She by Sheree show in the season finale last week. Miss Thing's first order of bidness-- new hair. NeNe's is short and dark and sassy on one side, with highlighted bangs flipping over the other side of her forehead. MT also comments on Lisa's Farrah Fawcett do and asks if she's wearing her clothing line, Closet Freak. Of course, Lisa chirps, as Sheree rolls her eyes. Sheree says she's NOT wearing HER line-- "you guys brought in a stylist so I'm wearing Dolce & Gabbana." (BTW, it's a tatt.)

Miss Thing welcomes Kandi, who's "been through a horrible few weeks." Kandi admits it's been "crazy", and says she's okay and trying to stay as busy as possible. MT promises to keep her very busy. Kim says she's wearing "the prototype" for her wig line, and tells MT she won't be tossing this one in the trash after tonight. It's human hair, not one of her disposable synthetics. MT starts the clips rolling with Sheree, who's the "ultimate juxtaposition-- a classy bad-ass." Sheree preens at this label and we go into her package:

Sheree tells us what an independent, upscale, elegant, grown-ass woman she is, as she poses for her giant portrait, mixes it up with Kim, Dwight and...

...Anthony the party-planner...

...and fires a pistol.

Miss Thing wants to know who "Pookie and them" are, referring to the people "a girl from Cleveland" calls when she wants to order up an ass-whuppin. Sheree says this is a "figure of speech" and could mean a brother, cousin, or thuggy friend. MT asks if Sheree has "a Pookie" in her cell phone, and she says "I'm sure I could find a couple Pookies". MT asks if the frequent appearances of her inner Cleveland girl were a result of Sheree "becoming more comfortable" this season. Comfortable, psychotic, same diff. Sheree explains that she felt she "was being challenged and taken to a place where I don't like to go." Yes, the real world is a much colder, uglier place than the one in your head where you're "Atlanta's #1 fashion designer".

Miss Thing wants to know Sheree's reaction to the Anthony screaming-match clip. Sheree feels that she "stood up" and "did what I had to do." After all, the officially hetero evil party-planning queen "talked about my mom" and was "really unprofessional". MT says they have many, many viewer questions", and starts with Josh From San Diego: Did Sheree's behavior as a mother this season set a "respectful, responsible" example for her kids? Sheree says her kids are "great" and know what a "strong" mother they have. She hopes that when they're "challenged" or put in an "uncomfortable situation", they'll stand up for themselves. I wish I could be a roach on the wall of the classroom when Kaleigh or Kairo tell their teacher:

"Who gone make me, Boo?!"

Since NeNe has known Sheree for eight years, MT wants to know who's the real Sheree, last season or this season? NeNe would say it's a combo of both, heavy on Season 2. So S is a megabitch. Just as we suspected! Sheree reiterates that she will not be "disrespected". Viewer Krista P would like MT to "address Sheree's narcissism: why is she always throwing parties for herself? "Because I love myself-- why not?!" Sheree says. "Next?" Someone else wants to know why Sheree commissioned such an enormous portrait of herself-- "It looked like She-zilla by Sheree." Sheree thinks "it looked fabulous and everyone else loved it." Philip From Seattle asks when Sheree last had a date "and good sex". Sheree says she IS casually dating now but the good sex is "nunna yo business!"

Kate Arthur from The Daily Beast has a theory: Sheree is a lesbian. After all, she banned men from her Independence Party and seemed to light up when her bitchy ex-model pal Tania performed a pole-dance there. "Kate Arthur, get a life!" Sheree snips. Not that there's anything wrong with that, Miss Thing quickly clarifies. Oh, heavens no, Sheree agrees, but "I'm okay with who I am and I'm comfortable with my sexuality and I like MEN!..."

"...Sorry, Kate."

MT says Kim referred to herself as "a conversation piece" and that Kim's her own biggest fan. Cue the clips:

Kim is "amazing, honest, loyal, classy, sexy, good-lookin" and all her friends want to be her, a big beautiful Barbie doll with huge "kahunas".

"It's all in good fun," Kim tells MT, a hint of defensive annoyance creeping into her twang. MT presents her with a gift from BravoTV.com, a t-shirt that says "I'm a conversation piece". "Very cute," Kim says. not about to wear anything with a neckline and sleeves. MT asks if Kim's boobs got bigger this season. No. Kim says she's "skinnier" now, and that's why her tits look so massive. But the only cosmetic procedures she'll admit to are Botox and her two long-ago boob-jobs. Why does Kim think "it's so hard" for people to believe she's "only 31?" MT asks. Kim says the footage "last year" made her look old, but since then she's toned down her makeup and is much happier with her on-camera appearance. "Less is more sometimes," she says, to everyone's, including MT's, shock. "With the makeup," Kim quickly clarifies.

A viewer asks what size Kim's implants are. She's not sure...

...but her bra size is 34D.

MT tells Sheree there's been lots of speculation about HER tits this season. Sheree insists they only look bigger thanks to "a good bra". We go in tight on S's rack, and maybe it's a shadow, but it looks like there's a hint of areola! Thoughts, Gasmii? MT continues to endear herself to Kim by bringing up their chat about Kim's "illness" from last season's Reunion. Kim emphatically denies ever saying she had cancer. No, you only wanted everyone to THINK you had it so they'd quit ragging on your wig-addiction. "Moving right along," Kim says testily. But Miss Thing ain't done with you yet, sweets: What mysterious illness DID Kim have that caused her to lose her hair and turn to wigs for comfort?

"It started with a thyroid problem... I had a couple of issues" including "anemia" which caused the hair loss, but now she's regulated "by medication". When will Kim quit the wigs? She doesn't know, because now "it's fun", so much so she's starting a wig line. But she assures us she has "great hair" and soon everyone will get t see her in it. How 'bout now, MT presses, requesting that she take "that damn thing off right now." Forget it, Mary, Kim snaps. MT asks if any of the Wives have seen Kim wigless. Kandi's the only one, and says "the wig is longer".

NeNe doesn't see "what the real deal is." Kim claims she's "trying to get the Caucasian to catch up-- African-American people, they've worn the hair ex-- I mean they started the whole, I mean the wigs, the hair extensions, it's taken us years to catch on, so (SNAPS) I'm learnin." MT: Great. Betty From Easthampton wants to know how many glasses of wine do you drink each day. "As many as i can... BETTY," Kim snips. "Like, whatever I wanna do." Yeah, Betty-- how dare you. What about the cigarettes, MT inquires. Last season Kim was trying to cut down. But tonight she says:

"I'll quit when I'm damn well good and ready to quit!"

Back from commercial, Miss Thing says it's only been a little over a week since Kandi's ex-fiance AJ died, so how's Kandi? "I'm doin alright," Kandi says, explaining that she's been trying to keep herself occupied, but whenever she goes out, she attracts a lot of sympathetic stares, which Kandi doesn't really like, since everyone looks so sad it's a constant battle for Kandi to keep from bursting into tears. When exactly did she break up with AJ? In June, Kandi says, the weekend of Father's Day, which must have been a particularly grueling holiday for Kandi, what with AJ's six kids from four different baby-mamas. So what happened? MT wants to know.

Kandi explains that AJ and her mother Joyce made up in the Season Finale at the Mother's Day party, but soon after had a "big blow-out" after which, she claims, AJ said he'd had enough and walked out on Kandi. Maybe she came to her senses and asked him to sign a pre-nup! "In retrospect," MT asks, how does Kandi feel about Joyce's efforts to "protect" her? "I love my mother and I definitely feel like she had some valid points," Kandi admits. But she wishes Joyce had been "less aggressive" getting them across. How long were Kandi & AJ together? One year-- he proposed to her in January of 2009 and "it was over in June".

MT wants to know how AJ died. Kandi says that day she spoke with AJ on the phone a couple hours before getting the message that AJ was in the hospital and had gotten into a fight with the manager of "the [strip] club he was trying to buy into". Kandi says when she saw the body, it didn't look as though AJ had been "beaten up". Unlike the person he got into the altercation with. Kandi says it was "weird, unbelievable and shocking" that someone she'd just talked to could be gone so suddenly. She says on the way to the hospital she kept hoping it was all some out-of-control rumor.

After requesting tissues...

...Kandi continues: Kandi and her cousin arrived at the hospital and found the strip club owner, who filled them in on the scuffle that had taken place outside the club. At this point, none of them knew AJ was already dead. The doctor told them he'd "stopped breathing" on the way. "I kinda went numb," Kandi says through tears as Kim cuddles her supportively. Contrary to how she appeared on the show this season, Kandi says she's not someone who normally cries in front of others. So it wasn't until she was alone that she broke down completely, but only for a few minutes before pulling it together. The best word to describe the entire incident? "Shocking". Kandi has made an effort to get past this by throwing herself into her life, but talking about it clearly makes her emotional. AJ was so young and had so much to live for.

Miss Thing says Kandi was obviously still very close to AJ and pulls out the cop show cheese-nugget "I'm so sorry for your loss." MT asks if the other Wives have "been there" for Kandi. They have. Kim even came to pick up Kandi's daughter Riley after the funeral, which was nice, even if Kim's the last bitch in Atlanta you'd ever want to leave your kids with. Lisa says AJ "was very, very sweet" and had been developing a friendship with Lisa's hunky hubby Ed, who offered AJ marital and workout tips.

Back from commercial, Miss Thing says Lisa "almost flipped a couch" during a spat with Kim at last season's Reunion, but dispensed with the catfighting in Season 2 to focus on getting knocked up. Cue the Lisa package:

Lots of Lisa being wooed, worshipped...

...fondled...

...and seduced by beautiful built Ed, ending with their shared bubblebath.

MT asks what it was like to have cameras in Lisa's bed- and bathrooms. Lisa says Ed is naturally very romantic, and she got a lot of horny feedback from appreciative viewers who said they couldn't wait for the handsome couple to "drop a sex tape". Absolutely not! Lisa scolds. Kandi expresses awe that Lisa & Ed did as much as they did "in front of the cameras". Lisa confirms that she's not currently preggers, but "having fun trying". Every day? MT leers. Maybe every other day, a couple times a day, Lisa giggles. "He's younger than I am!" NeNe says she's glad she's not the one forced to fuck daily-- NeNe says she has a healthy sexual appetite, but that's too much boning for NeNe's taste. Um, has she met Ed?

MT takes the titillating topic and flits with it-- is daily sex too much for the Wives? No, perfect, Kim says. Kandi says "maybe", but it's not clear if she means maybe too much, or maybe she'd love it. Sheree says that she'd be okay with every day for a week, and then some time off. MT reads a question from Nelson: is it true that Lisa & Ed "lost their house... and are going broke?" Lisa says they're "definitely not" going broke and had been talking about "downsizing" for a while. But "was it really a foreclosure?" MT demands. Lisa dodges it: "We said we'll do a short sale, allow us to do it, and they said yeah. So I'd rather downsize, not tap into savings... we had moved into a house we had owned for over six or seven years." Why do people who don't want to sound ghetto love to misuse the past perfect tense? Ed had banged me upside down and backwards for three hours. Ed had found a new girlfriend on TVgasm. Kids are in school for like seven hours a day! Isn't that enough time to teach them how to speak? And this is coming from someone who learned English from The Young & The Restless and Guiding Light. Lisa confirms that the house was Ed's bachelor pad and sits on a huge piece of land the super-couple had initially wanted to develop into a "mini-subdivision", but since the real estate market crashed, they're happy to just live on it and remodel the house.

So far this is the dullest Reunion show in Bravo history.

MT asks NeNe how it was to go meet Lisa's family in L.A. "Oh ma god, it was so different!" NeNe squawks, her great IMHO new hair making her look like Sheree's bitchy BFF Tania. "I just couldn't believe it!" she continues, reminding us all of how bizarre it was for NeNe to be unable to accept the fact that Lisa is half-Chinese and her extended family reflects that. Jesus, NeNe acts like they were all Mormons or Scientologists or something a hell of a lot more exotic and distasteful then Asian-Americans. Get over it, lady! Lisa tries to help by explaining that NeNe "didn't expect to see a lot of Asian people. She was like 'where're the black people?'" "Why?" MT squawks, as Kandi gives NeNe a WTF glance.

NeNe keeps diggin'. "And they weren't American," she says. "They really spoke their language. You know, it was just-- ah, it was just some-- it was funny." Even Sheree emerges from her cloud of self-involvement to raise her eyebrows. NeNe continues, recounting her astonishment at laying eyes on Lisa's tiny, interracial parents. MT wants specifics. So does the Asian-American Anti-Defamation League, if they're watching. Answer: Lots of Asians, Chinese food, everyone was so different. NeNe: I was just-- chile, get me a glassa WINE! Where'm I at?! Asians make her so uncomfortable she needs to drink. I feel the same way about Republicans. NeNe concludes by labeling Lisa "a very mixed-up girl. But we had a good time, though." Yeah, thanks to the Gaysian you "ran into" at the hotel and immediately hagged it up with.

MT changes the subject to NeNe's "emotional search for your biological father", who she "may have just found" in Athens, GA. Cue the NeNe package:

NeNe tells us how "shocking" it was to discover a man named Alan Pope is quite probably her real dad.

Imagine if he'd been Asian.

"That was really emotional to watch," MT says. How was that day for NeNe? "Very hard... I was really freaked out. He was really nervous and shaking." He was probably afraid she'd try to strangle him like she did with Kim, off-camera, tragically, in the Season Finale. NeNe says there hasn't been a new DNA test, but they've talked "a few times" on the phone since, but she hasn't been able to get many answers "because he drinks a lot." Yet another genetic similarity. MT mentions that Gregg (Mr NeNe) had a "heartbreaking" reaction to the news. NeNe says Gregg wasn't happy that this guy "dropped out of the sky"-- Gregg was worried Alan was looking for NeNe to "take care of" him. Gregg's lack of support on the issue was devastating to NeNe.

Chadonna From Lithonia wants to know if NeNe will accept Alan as her father "if it's so". Yes, NeNe doesn't want to "be bitter". MT: Do you feel betrayed? NeNe: I just feel like, DAYUM, if you knew this all these years, why'd you just wait... and how could you just know that your little girl is here in Athens, and you'd come and visit and you'd just drive past or don't reach out? I mean I don't know how somebody could do that. Like, I don't. Cuz I have two children, I'd never do that. MT: How does Curtis [NeNe's adoptive dad] fit into this? NeNe says "Curtis is still my dad" but hasn't spoken to him since the paternity test. "I know he's real hurt about the results." MT asks why NeNe hasn't reached out to Curtis. "Cuz I feel he should reach out to me, and I just don't really know what to say. I've been his daughter all my life."

MT says it seems like NeNe's "punishing" Curtis for not "reaching out to you first." NeNe says no, she's the child in this case and is living with what the adults in her life did. So it's Curtis's responsibility to reach out to her. I totally agree! MT wants Sheree's opinion. Sheree advises NeNe to "let everything go and be the bigger person" and reach out to Curtis: "You're my dad, you're my heart." NeNe says "I can try" that. MT says they're both "strong-willed" and that NeNe got that from Curtis. MT hopes it works out.

Back from commercial, MT turns the spotlight to Kim & NeNe, who are a cross between Lucy & Ethel, Patsy & Edina, and the WWF.

Let's watch the clips:

Kim drunkenly crawls onto NeNe's lap, where they canoodle as NeNe paws Kim's kahunas. NeNe goes off on Kim for cutting her from "Tardy For The Party". They call each other "evil". NeNe & Kim tell Dwight & Kandi about their scuffle at a boutique, where Kim "slapping" NeNe's hand away from Kim's face led to full-on throttling. NeNe refuses to hear any more of Kim's "lies". Kim tells us they'll "never be friends again".

MT says NeNe's claim that she'd rather pluck her toenails out than associate with Kim was an "LOL" moment. Kim agrees. MT asks what really happened in that fight, since the cameras "were not there". NeNe says they argued about "what happened at the A-List Awards. The other Housewives from the other counties came over and told us Kim had said things about all of us... negative things... that really upset me." Such as? NeNe says "they're not even important today." Kim chalks it up to miscommunication with Bethenny, Tamra, Laurie, Vicki and Ramona. "I was exhausted, they just said I stuff, whatever, I don't care, the bottom line is NeNe and I have moved past it-- we look forward to a brighter future." MT: When did you bury the hatchet? Kim & NeNe: A couple months ago. MT isn't buying it and says the last time she saw NeNe & Kim they were "pretty mad" at each other.

NeNe gets a bit testy and says MT hasn't seen them in a long time, "Boo". MT gives it right back to her: Hey, BOO, I saw you like two months ago... and the two of you had a nine-minute screaming fight! "It's interesting that you can go from white-hot rage to burying the hatchet." NeNe says who stays mad like that for months, you settle it and move on, as Kim interjects similar sentiments. MT turns to Kim and asks how their beef "got physical"-- Kim called the cops on NeNe! "And so what?" Kim snips. "We're movin on to something else," she adds...

...giving him an uber-pissy look.

MT says "it was murky from the show" whether or not "NeNe laid her hands" on Kim. "Like I said," Kim tells him, "I'ma say it again, we've moved past it. We've had a conversation, we have moved past it. I know she wishes me to be successful, I wish her the fuckin same." Eat shit and die, Miss Thing. MT has hit a nerve and is smart enough to not allow this bone of contention to stay buried. All this sedate self-reflection is ratings death! MT asks for details about their reconciliation. NeNe says they spoke on the phone and discussed ways to respect each other and get to "a better place". Not good enough! How did they "overcome such anger and venom"?! NeNe says it wasn't as venomous as all that. NeNe has "been knowin" Kim for a long time, and their anger "on that day" dissipated soon after.

Kim says they both say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment, and were able to "clear the air" during their two-hour phone chat. MT: Am I alone in not buying this? Lisa? Lisa says like she's told Kandi, it's best not to get in between NeNe & Kim's volatile, off-again/on-again friendship. Kim says they are SO past it, and had "a fantastic conversation". MT declares that she's "thrilled... I think you two are Lucy & Ethel." If so Kim's definitely Loosey. Even though she prefers "Thelma & Louise". Then MT does a VERY gay move-- making what sounds like a "clonk" sound while miming a checkmark in the air. WTF?!?

MT changes the subject to Kim's "relationship status". She started the season single and ended it engaged to sugar-daddy Pig Boppa. Cue the clip package! Kim heaves a super-annoyed sigh as we launch into:

Kim's palm-reader sees a break with Pig Boppa, but he's still in her heart. Kim insists to NeNe that it's over and Kim won't got running back when "he buys her something". Kim debuts her insane green Edy Williams bikini as she tells BFF Cori pool-side that PB sent Kim and her brats Brielle & Ariana to the Bahamas, then surprised Kim by showing up for tropical nookie. Kim says she needs "a commitment" from BP-- "I want a ring!"

Kim arrives at her birthday party...

...in a tittie-licious red dress and shows off the massive rock BP just proposed to her with. Sheree & NeNe interview that's ridiculous since PB is still married. Kim says the size of the diamond made her scream "Hell to the yeah!"

MT says Kim's not wearing the ring tonight. What's up with that? Kim says she learned this season "that I was really naive", then changes tacks and asks who gives someone an 8-carat diamond without being "serious". Kim says she had an epiphany since the season stopped taping and her stance now is that Pig Boppa should call her AFTER a judge decrees him divorced. MT: So you're broken up? Kim: I'm dating other people. MT asks why Kim didn't hesitate when "a married man" proposed to her. Kim says she did, but the fact that PB "dropped to one knee" and popped the question led her to believe "the divorce was over". She says she made a mistake saying yes that night, but if he ever really loses the wife, they can talk. MT: Is he separated? Kim says Mrs Boppa "is living in California and he's here." Has Kim ever met Mrs B? No. MT presses, saying that Mrs B must watch the show and has to be aware of Kim.

We feel ya, Kandi-Gurrrrl!

Kim nods, then says PB spends "five or six nights a week" at her place, acting like he's part of Kim's family. MT is confused-- PB is still doing that WHILE Kim's seeing other people?! He WAS, Kim corrects. But she recently decided "I don't wanna do this anymore" and called him up and broke it off. MT asks if all the ladies have met Pig Boppa. They have. Now that NeNe & Kim are pals again, what advice would NeNe give Kim about Daddy Whorebucks? NeNe says she "always" felt that PB "should be divorced if he was gonna be with Kim". Does NeNe think "his intentions are sincere" RE: Kim? N: I don't know him that way. MT: What about you, Kandi? Kandi says she doesn't know what PB's "intentions" are, but it's obvious that PB is "really into" Kim. NeNe agrees.

Back from final commercial, something remarkably coincidental has happened! Miss Thing tells us that "during the break, Pig Boppa appeared!" Fuck, says Kim, as if she'd just been promised this wouldn't be brought up on the air.

"I met Pig Boppa!"

Kim: Are you excited. MT: I kind of am! Kandi is surprised MT has never met PB, to which MT sassily snips how would I? "I don't roll with you people!" Now why did PB happen to show up? I personally think the producers called and begged him to inject some drama into this boring-ass Reunion, but Kim says PB knew how difficult the Reunion show was for her last season, so he stopped by to offer support and show he still cares. MT: Judging from the lip-lock that I saw during the break, it seems like you're-- Kim: Thank you, Miss Thing, for calling me out again. I appreciate it... MT: It seems like you're okay with... Kim: I may not be makin the right decisions, I'm fully aware. I know I'm critiqued by many [thanks for the shout out!], at the end of the day, it's my heart and that's how I feel. And I can only hope that someday he slaps those papers down and I run off into a fairytale.

MT: Does he still support you? Kim: Hmmm. Not really. MT: How do you support yourself? Kim: My song. MT: That song ain't supportin you. Kim: The song's doing very well! Are you crazy?! MT: That's not-- Kim: But the song, I worked as a nurse and I waited tables at Bahama Breeze... MT clearly has some kind of issue with Kim, flat-out asking her if she banked that much cash from her waitressing career. Kim says she's been "very, very smart" and put it in "money market accounts". She says she's been smart during her years with Pig Boppa, indicating that she stashed away a sizable chunk while he was hemorrhaging cash all over those ginormous ta-ta's. "But if I have to shovel shit, I will," Kim declares. "McDonald's, Target, Burger King... I'll do it!" Now THERE'S a reality show, Gasmii.

MT points out that Kim is NOT shoveling any shit at the moment. Kim gets progressively testier as she clarifies that she's doing fine financially right now and isn't running around "buying Escalades". The economy has changed things "for everyone" and Kim says she's not able to enjoy the lifestyle she did "a year, six months, three months ago". And, for Miss Thing's information, "Pig Boppa did not give me a DIME for the first year plus. It was not like hey, here you go, you're my hooker!-- never like that, buddy."

Did she just call him Buddy?! It's ON!

MT whips out a question from Lisa From White House, TX: How does it feel to be perceived as a home-wrecker and a mistress because you're involved with a married man? (Eeeuchh, Kim snorts as NeNe all but cackles gleefully.) How do you think married women feel about you? Kim: There's no way a man could spend six days... six NIGHTS, at my house, every week for four years if you have a marriage. I'm sorry. MT asks what Sheree thinks, but Kim interrupts and demands to know "what's going on over here"! What's with the looks Miss Thing keeps shooting over to Kandi & Sheree?!

Sheree says she thought "a mistress was someone who was sleeping with a married man--" Kim cuts her off, derisively adding "And then gets money and goes shopping. And has a great life. Like I would put up with that?! Are you out of your mind?!?" MT: Well you are with a married man. And you do to get to go shopping... Thank you, Miss Thing! The other Wives burst into giggles...

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Lisa says she was "thinking that" but wasn't going to say it. Kim is super-offended: What, do you think he comes over and has sex with me for an hour, then I go shopping?! No, Kimmy, actually we think you're providing a fuck of a lot more sex than an hour's worth to be out writing checks for Escalades and dropping a thousand bucks on husky designer duds for Princess Piglet. "I wish you'd get the hell off Pig Boppa!" Kim snaps, then smiles and chuckles so she won't sound like a bitter, defensive mistress.

MT asks if PB has "given you any kind of timeline for this divorce to go through?" No, he has not, Kim says. And she's not going to be in a relationship with someone who won't do that. Pig Boppa knows how Kim feels, and she says maybe he'll "step up to the plate" for Season Three.

MT calls for "a breather" and we see scenes from next week's Reunion continuation-- Lisa bickers with Dwight, NeNe and Kandi go at it, and Kim butchers "Tardy For The Party"...

...live onstage!

Speaking of the hit dance track, the song credits appear and we see the writers listed as Kandi, co-producer Don Vito, guitar teacher Ed Davidson, and, wait for it-- Kim's daughter Brielle! I would looove to know how that arbitration session went down.

Thanks to Flipit for the DVR DVD of this episode--

I will also be needing the second half-- plus whatever Lost Footage special Bravo cobbles together to squeeze every last bit of rotten peach juice out of this wonderful season-- and to you, Gasmii, for all the love, brilliant comments and accusations of racism!

Besos,
LLB