Miss me?

The carnies are picking up cans off the street, ostensibly because Samuel feels like being green, but probably just to make a little scratch on the side. T-Sam explains to Hiro, still rocking his Knight Rider shirt, that he needs Hiro to go back 8 weeks and find Mohinder. Not to save his life, because that would piss off half the audience. Just to grab an old film before Mohinder can destroy it.

So just what has our favorite stubbly Indian scientist been up to all season? To find out, we flash back to nine weeks ago. Mohinder's in India tutoring on plate tectonics. I thought he was a biologist? Are us dumb Yanks not supposed to know the difference? Mo has got himself a woman, one with a proper Indian accent, not his stuffy British one. She frowns disapprovingly at the cardboard box of Suresh Senior's stuff that he dug up in the New Mexico desert. She wants him to throw it away, and so far no amount of tail she's offered up has done the trick. He puts up a pitiful fight ("it's just hard to let go") and then drops the box in a convenient trash-can sized to fit just right.

Now where's that tail you promised?

Check, please!

Good Sylar, who shall once again be known as Fathan for this recap, has lost his car keys and catches a ride back to the office with Peter. Pretty sure that 1) U.S. Senators have drivers and 2) his office is in DC, not New York City. Right? Fathan doesn't remember anything other than waking up in the carnival and losing a few days of his life. Senators don't just go off the grid without people noticing, so someone must know something. I think we covered that a week or two ago. Argentina, remember? Thanks for filling those plot holes, though. Better late than never.

Fathan's secretary says Ma Petrelli told them to clear his calendar. Cue the Haitian magically appearing in a doorway, We all know that magically appearing right where he's needed is his real power. "René!" says Peter. So now everyone knows his real name already? No fair. René warns Fathan not to come any closer, because René's power would cancel out Sylar's shape-shifting power. I don't like this yappy new Haitian. He was cooler when he just leaned up against a wall looking all secret-agenty in the blazer and jeans. Now that he can talk, he has to tell Peter the truth.

Across town at Apartment de Bennet, it's laundry day again.

Please remember not to leave your shorts in the dryer quite so long, k?

Daddy's not home and the doorknob is frozen. There's ice all over the place. Tracy steps out from behind a corner and Claire yells "Freeze!" while brandishing a kitchen knife at her. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that was meant to be funny. Tracy's looking for HRG because her power is out of control and everything she touches turns to ice. Did T-Sam sabotage her somehow? It was more fun when she was always melting instead of freezing.

So, yeah, about the Haitian? He's working against Mama P again. She sent him to wipe the carnival trip from the boys' memories, but he refuses. He's said all the lines he can say without being bumped up a pay grade, so instead he hands Peter a number written on the back of a business card and says to go alone. You know, I kinda wish that we didn't know this story already, so they could surprise us with it. This arc would be ten times cooler that way. I thank Lost for the unreasonable expectations.

4-8-15-16-23-42 wouldn't fit on the card, so we had to shorten it.

India, in the past

Mohinder's gotten some play, so it's back to Dad's box that he rescued from the trash. Inside the box is an old film. On the film is a mysterious Asian guy with one arm.

Close enough. All we're missing is a Dharma logo.

It's actually Pa Suresh's video diary of his research at Coyote Sands back in 1961. He says it's dangerous to keep all these superpowers together in one place, because they amplify each other. Something like that. He says there's a pregnant woman causing seismic trouble in the camp. Cue the AC/DC lyrics, because the earth starts quaking, the walls start shaking and Baby T-Sam starts crying in the background. I'm shaking and crying too, because I'm laughing so hard. You have got to be kidding me.

Let's cut over to a less silly scene, shall we? Well, there isn't one, so let's just go back to the present in HRG's apartment. Tracy is getting in the bathtub, which is just about the last place she should be, amirite? At least a half-naked Ali Larter will distract most viewers from whatever else goofy is going on. Claire is making tea in a kettle, because Hollywood loves its whistling teakettles. Can you imagine a suspenseful scene with a microwave going beep-beep-beep? Hitchcock would roll over in his grave. Right on cue, the tub starts to freeze over.

No high beams? Thanks for nothing, you cheater.

Tracy jumps out of the tub, runs over to Claire and promptly freezes her solid. Finally! It's been way too long since Claire was mutilated.

While Claire and Tracy are chilling, The Hardy Boys arrive at a warehouse, the number of which is not even close to the number on the card the Haitian gave Peter.

Don't blame me. You guys didn't have to show the card in closeup.

Inside the storage room is a single coffin-size box. There's a noise outside, which is handy for getting Peter out of the way so Fathan can be the one to open the box. And I think we all know what's in it.

It's... not John Locke? I'm so confused.

Fathan touches the body, so he can use Sylar's power of seeing everything that happened to it. Much flashbacking ensues. Fathan doesn't catch all of it, but he does know that Parkman was involved. So they decide to go find him. Aha, now the pieces are being jammed into place all starting to fit!

Tracy is trying to drag the Clairesicle somewhere, and accidentally breaks off her foot. I was hoping she'd shatter and then dribble back together like in Terminator 2, but a foot is better than nothing, I guess. Tracy starts to cry until Claire sits up, all thawed out and everything. Now wait a cotton pickin minute. Based on some very scientific experiments I do on turkeys every Thanksgiving, it should take about a week to thaw out a whole person. Stupid pesky laws of physics again. They have a good laugh over it.

And yet, still no high beams. I give up.

Fathan's secretary interrupts some special bromance time with an announcement that she's found Matt Parkman in a hospital down in Texas. Still alive, thanks to the cas of Mercy, but under guard. Let's take a little flight, why don't we?

Carnival

Hiro is trying to teleport back in time to Mohinder, but all the usual constipation faces aren't cutting it.

Have you tried prunes? Works for me every time.

Since we can't time travel with Hiro, we'll just have to do a flashback instead. Nine weeks ago, the Nutty Professor is still watching Dad's film and trying to figure out WTF the Smoke Monster is. He's hammering away, building a flux capacitor or something, so either he doesn't care if he wakes up the ball and chain, or he really did her right and she's sleeping the postcoital sleep of the dead. Mohinder's wiped himself, and finally passes out at his desk where his hella-pissed girlfriend finds him in the morning. He barely notices, though, because he's built... wait for it... a power compass. Based on Dad's film, he figured out how to locate the biggest concentration of superpowers on the planet. And he built the whole thing in like a couple of hours.

Isn't there an app for that?

Apparently Mohinder's real superpower (not the fake Spidey-strength he gave himself) is improbable inventions. Like the virus vaccine in Season 2 and the power juice in Season 3. He can't invent a way to please his woman though, so he's going to follow the compass straight to Samuel whether she leaves him or not.

Down in the Texas hospital, which looks just like the New York hospital, The Brothers Petrelli are just kinda sneaking around behind some shelves and stuff and tiptoe right into Matt's room. No guards in sight.

A Members Only jacket can get you in anywhere.

Peter heals Parkman post haste. Matt's now back in control of his own body. Now if I was him, the first thing I'd say would be something like "Sylar's-in-my-head-Nathan-get-out-of-here!" as fast as I could, but no, Matt's going to be a doofus and argue with the invisible person in the room, while Team Petrelli just stands there scratching their heads. Matt finally spills the condensed version of the story, which comes out something like "oh yeah, Nathan, you're dead, I mean the real you, I made Sylar think he was you and now the real Sylar is in my head and BTW he says hi, guys!"

Bad Sylar in Matt's head takes over Matt's body and tries to brainwash Fathan into touching his hand so he can jump back over. How is a touch going to fix this? Matt's power doesn't work by touch. But on the plus side, yay for dramatic tension as Sylar/Matt stretches out his hand to Sylar/Nathan and Peter tries to stop them. The brainwashing seems to be working on Fathan, who mumbles "I don't exist" and starts to walk over to the bed.

Come to Butthead.

Peter tries to get in the way, but Fathan TKs him into the wall like swatting a fly, conveniently knocking Peter out cold. Also convenient, remember those guards that were supposed to be, um, guarding the room? Yeah, they finally show up at the door. As they're pulling Fathan back, there's a brief touch of hands and a pretty spark. Matt's back in control of himself. Fathan, probably with Sylar back on board, grabs Peter and takes off out the window. "You sonuvabitch!" yells Parkman. "Is he in you?"

I'm going to start a new Twitter hashtag: #greatheroesquotesduringsex

Whew. So much drama! Let's check up on Mohinder's Boy Scout adventure. Meanwhile in the past, Mohinder's followed his compass all the way from India to the carnival. I assume he just hopped a plane to America, rented a car and stuck that thing on the windshield like it was a TomTom. However it worked, he's there now and it's still nine weeks ago, so it must not have taken very long. Sitting at the carnival gate is an older, vaguely Irish-looking gent. Heeeyyyy, I bet that's Joseph!

I don't know about you, but I was expecting someone younger and a little more... Sam-like.

Joseph seems like a decent chap, if maybe a bit of an old fart. Mohinder never misses an opportunity to wheel out the crazy superpower speech, so he immediately starts chewing Joseph's ear off. Not the most discreet guy, is our Mo. Joseph denies everything, natch. In the middle of the speech, Samuel steps out of the nearest trailer, carrying a bottle of booze. He looks ten years younger. And about three sheets drunker.

So he was born in 1961, right? Isn't 58 a bit old for guyliner and muscle shirts? I'm talking to you too, Steven Tyler.

Joseph orders Samuel to go make himself useful. Samuel wanders off looking resentful. Hey, I like what they did there. T-Sam is starting to make more sense now. I don't want to get all technowriterbabbly on y'all, but we call that character development. Little brother thus dispatched, Joseph takes Mo inside the trailer for a little chat.

Nine weeks later in the hospital, there's a bit of a loose end to tie up. Matt brainwashes the Keystone Kop into thinking he came into the room to find Matt dead. Like it's an afterthought. "Oh hey, yeah, you with the badge. I'm not here. I'm, uh, dead. Yeah. Gimme some clothes." Janice is going to love seeing this on the news-but maybe she's used to it after the whole suicide-bomber episode. (Something else that happens once a season on Heroes: Parkman Goes Postal.)

Now Fathan and Peter are holed up at the Grand Canyon, because Fathan thinks he shouldn't be around people right now. That's why he made a beeline for the biggest tourist attraction in the country. It all makes perfect sense. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Sylar is in there pretending to be Nathan. I mean Sylar's pretending to be Sylar who thinks he's Nathan. You know what I mean. Fathan thinks he shouldn't be around Peter either, and flies off again. Peter has flying power again now, though, so he takes off after. Peter, you idiot! You lost the healing power! Now you can't heal Hiro or Dead Real Nathan. Well, that's just great.

But on the plus side: more sweet Petrelli bromance.

Joseph decides the only way to get rid of Mohinder is to take him into his trailer and tell him the truth. T-Sam is a ticking earthquake-time-bomb and the more people with powers are around him, the stronger he gets. Joseph's known this since Sam was a baby. How they figured it out... who knows. Joseph always made sure to not invite too many freaks to the carnival so Samuel's power would stay under control. He kicks Mohinder out, telling him he's always handled it and he's going to keep on handling it. Or at least until he gets offed by Danko in a future flashback. T-Sam's lurking outside eavesdropping. (How much you wanna bet that Samuel himself got Joseph killed?)

The caption tells us that it's now 8 weeks ago, so the longest week of Mohinder's life is finally over. Mohinder calls his honey from his hotel room to eat crow and tell her he's on the way back home. He drops Dad's film in the trash and gets ready to set it on fire. Hello? Smoke detectors? You wanna take that outside? But then...

Hiro stops time just in time!

Finally got to use my hotkey! YES!

He takes the film out of the trash and puts a different one in its place. Those have to be hard to come by these days. Wonder where he got it? You can't just swing by Wal-Mart and get a roll of projector film anymore. He whispers to Mohinder to be careful, like that'll do any good. Time's frozen, Mohinder can't hear anything. Surely you have a better plan than that, Master Of Time And Space.

Claire and Tracy are still bonding over tea at HRG's place. Two questions: 1) where is HRG and 2) he keeps stocked up on tea? He didn't even have beer in the fridge last we saw. Bachelor pad FAIL. Tracy is back in control of herself after her little panic attack. You think maybe Samuel caused it? Like how Peter blew up in Season 1 after taking on too many powers? Tracy tells Claire about meeting T-Sam like he was a hot guy next to her in line for New Moon tickets. She's tempted to let him take her away to the carnival and live with all the geeks. (Fun fact: the word "geek" originally meant "a carnival performer who does wild or disgusting acts". Tell me this show doesn't pander.) Maybe you should, says Claire. "Maybe your body's telling you what it wants." She bats her eyes a few times for effect. Claire is obviously desperate to get some girlie action after letting Gretchen get away.

I want a woman with a cold hand, I want a lover with a freezy touch.

Just when things are about to get steamy, or I guess frosty, HRG barges in. Thanks a lot, Dad. His gaze falls on Claire's frozen dismembered foot still sitting on the coffee table. "Ladies! How was your day?" Wow, Bennet's getting better one-liners than Sylar lately.

Eight weeks ago, Hiro disappears and Mohinder unfreezes, just in time for Samuel to bust in even drunker than before. He's talking to himself, complaining that Joseph is holding him back. He's got a rock in his hand, crushes it into gravel, then shoots the gravel at Mohinder like bullets. He must have seen the X-Men movie where Magneto did the same thing. Pretty good aim for somebody that schnockered. He apologizes and runs out... and after a second, Mohinder sits up. It's the old bulletproof-vest trick! Where did he get that? And if you're counting, that's... what? Six or seven major characters who came back from the dead this season. Nathan, Sylar, Peter, Matt, Charlie, Mohinder... should we even bother to count Claire? Throw in HRG from a couple seasons ago and everyone's been dead at least once now.

Right on cue, Hiro emerges from behind the bed. See, the first time he tried to grab the film, he showed up 10 minutes in the future and saw Mohinder dead. So he went back to the gettin' place and grabbed the vest off a shelf or whatever and put it on Mohinder while he was frozen. Now Hiro just needs Mohinder to hide out for about eight weeks while he gives Samuel the film, and everything will be copacetic. But Mohinder thinks he's created a monster by helping T-Sam find out about his true potential. He Must Be Stopped. All Hiro cares about is getting Charlie back, though, and the guy who can stop time wins all arguments. He squinches up his face and hauls Mohinder off somewhere. Where's a Greyhound when you really need one?

Back in the present, Hiro gives T-Sam the film. I hope he got a projector too. Those things must be getting rarer than hens' teeth. Or intelligent, thought-provoking Heroes episodes. T-Sam, of course, is not quite ready to produce Charlie now that he has a time traveler. Mohinder wakes up in a straitjacket in a padded room in some institution in Florida. At least that's what the caption says.

Bet it's just the same cargo container they locked Peter up in 2 seasons ago, ya think?

Matt calls home, says Sylar's left him and not to turn on the TV or read any news articles out of Texas. He's on the way back. Wait, what? He's just going to give up on catching Sylar now that they're not sharing a head anymore? He was all ready to die and stuff just one episode ago. Matt's always flipflopping between superhero action cop and boring stay-at-home dad.

Tracy's back in the diner, all made up for a date. She's meeting Samuel there. How did she get in touch with him? Did he leave digits on the back of the compass, or what? She's into him, all right. Sorry, HRG, you lose this round. Back in the present, the brothers Petrelli are having a heart-to-heart in Peter's apartment. Fathan says that Nathan is gone. If your stupid brother hadn't given up the healing power, maybe not. "You'll always see Sylar when you look at me," he says. And we're out.

Here's lookin' at you, whoever you are.

So I guess now we know what the Bomb Crisis of Season 4 is. Samuel's probably going to blow up the world if he gets any stronger, and our Heroes must Band Together To Stop Him. And who knows what Sylar/Fathan's going to do next. Is he in control now, or just hanging out inside his own head like he used to do with Parkman? Pretty sure we'll find out next week. Looks like a Very Special Thanksgiving episode coming up, including a surprise visit from... yep, Gretchen. I think I just lost my appetite.

Ciao for now!

To Exotica's credit, and I will only do this one time, she accurately describes the drawing as looking like a police sketch.

And what's up with Lava's accent? Sometimes it's there, someties it isn't. She has some kind of island accent which supports my speculation that she was channeling Rihanna last week. This is like the United Nations of dating shows: Non-speaking English Exotica, Island accent Lava, Straight off the boat Caliente, Lil B's Aztecian pronunciation of Jaguar and country as hell Just Right. What's Ray J trying to do? Get his green card to another country?! But I digress; our favorite R&B ex-patriot is back to give the girls their mission for today courtesy of Lil B's magic remote control.

Ray J says in his message that he loves to hit the clubs with ladies who get it poppin' so he's having a dance challenge. Yes, yes, yes! I wanted a dance challenge ever since Popper says she knows how to pop and lock. I can't wait to see what she's gonna do. BTW, this is Popper.

Extra is so happy that she has another chance to win Ray J's heart and she knows she'll win because she has the secret weapon...

The girls arrive at the performance area that only Ray J's star power can command.

Dre Sinatra is Ray J's friend and DJ for the competition and Ray has bought along a few friends to help the girls get ready for the competition.

No, it's Supercr3w from ABDC. They're lovely too and they put on a great performance as usual but I was really hoping for an acapella rendition of Tearin' Up My Heart. Ray J announces that there will be three groups and the winning team will get to go out with him. Based on last week's reward, I'm guessing that they'll be going to the same restaurant they went to last year.

Lava's group, Talk of the Town, is cenetered around her acrobatic abilities and if she can manage to pull it off, I think her group might actually do well if Mz Berry and Just Right's old behinds can keep up with her.

Luscious wastes no time getting in one the action.

Ray J and Dre talk while the girls are rehearsing and he tells Ray that the girls lok great but one looks familiar. Dre can not remember her name, I hope he gets tested daily, but says she had on brown & pink. Hold the hell up; who wears brown and pink? Ray j realizes that the girl in question is his precious Luscious. All he wants for her to do is be honest with him. Yeah, let's see how that works out for him.

Ray J has summoned a crowd to observe the show and they can barely contain their excitement.

Lala, who usually hosts the reuinion shows, hosts the dance contest. Way to build up the resume Lala. She earns her $27 by explaining that each team gets one minute to perform and whichever team gets the loudest applause, will win the date. Hot Damn Crew is up first and is comprised of Extra, Paradeez, Caliente, Exotica, and maybe one or two other girls who haven't made an impression on me yet. They do the following:

I thought they had good energy and decent moves. It was like a Danity Kane video on a higher budget. Sting Ray Crew is up next and it's comprised of Flossy, Popper, Heart Breaker, Platinum, and Adorable. It went a little like this:

Umm...well...errr...they were very...dressed in blue. That was the nicest thing I could say. First problem, they spent too much time on the floor with their legs crossed. Crossed legs never got a ho anywhere. Secondly, they looked like a group of flat chested, sixth grade lesbians at a school dance who had sniffed some glue, were too afraid to dance with boys and instead resorted to using dance moves pioneered by Debbie Gibson and perfected by Tiffany. No one could believe how horrible it was and the crowd booed. Platinum channeled her inner Sheree.

Talk of the Town Crew is comprised of Lava, Luscious, Mz Berry and Just Right. They do this:

They actually had a concept of sorts. They had a reptilian tiger theme going on and it was pretty good. I think the energy of Hot Damn was better though. Lala explains the voting process again in case the audience never saw an episode of Showtime at the Apollo and has forgotten how to vote. Hot Damn gets decent applause and the Sting Rays basically get booed. Talk of the Town gets the most applause and they win. The team gets split in half for a two night date special. Mz Berry & Lava on the first night and Just Right & Luscious on the second night.

Before they leave the crackhouse, Ray J stops to console Caliente who is crying.

Ray J was happy that she showed her emotions-she's safe for another week. I seem to recall the same thing happening last season with a certain Cuban named Feisty. Damn they've really just repeated every scene from season one. Befor Ray's date, he runs into Luscious and Platinum in the bathroom. He asks Luscious if she has something to tell him and she says no. It's pretty obvious that she does and if she's smart, she'll tell him. This could be a case of mistaken identity; even Dre was unsure of her face. After all he only saw the back of her head that night *rimshot*.

On to the dates. Ray talks to Mz Berry about her life and she fills him on all the details. She married young, it didn't work out, it was hard finding work after WWI and she's moving on. Lava whips out a can of crazy and asks Ray about his craziest past incident. Then she asks if a girl has ever hit him. Ray says no and she says that she's hit men before out of frustration. Did I not hint at this last week? She's just a taller, less attractive Rihanna.

After this admission, they abruptly leave for the club. What a surprise, they're at a club. Just like last season. Lava is dancing all over Ray J and coming on really strong. Mz Berry isn't having as much success.

The tables turn briefly and Mz Berry gets in some dance time. Lava is pissed and gets an attitude in the truck on the way home. At this point I am really beginning to think that this woman is certifiable. Who gets all possessive and psycho this soon and on a show in which you could get sent home for being just a little cuckoo? It doesn't help that Lava isn't even cute enough to pull off this pouting thing.

Ray J goes over to talk to Lava before he goes to the pool with the other girls and Lava says she doesn't wanna talk to Ray J with people around. The only problem is that no one is around. Ladies and gents, we've got another Danger on our hands. Lava tells Ray that the other girls didn't win so they don't deserve his time. Then she tells him to keep his ass in the room. In the words of the illustrious Flavor Flav...

Make that a double wooooowwwww. Retiring from reality TV does not agree with Flav. Lava keeps talking and it just sounds like crazy talk to me. Ray J tells her that she has a problem if she can't tell him what's wrong. Ray J says that he asked her repeatedly what was wrong. He asked her in the car, on the couch, in his room and she still isn't comfortable. He isn't in the mood for mind games and he says that when she's ready to let him in, let him know. Ray J goes out to the pool and has a great time with the rest of the girls but especially Flossy. But then we get a glimpse of Lava staring at them from the balcony. But what's even creepier is this!

The girls are a little freaked out by her psycho behavior and Flossy and Ray J go into the house for some PT. It means Private Time but I'm willing to bet that there's another 'P' word that could fit into there. Flossy and Lava go up to Ray's room and Lava is still in there. She's officialy scarier than Danger.

The next morning, Ray takes Luscious and Just Right shoe shopping. Just Right is nice but boring. They just sit there and don't talk. What is wrong with these women? They go for ice cream and Ray J takes some alone time with Luscious. Ray asks if she knows him and she says that they are Twitter friends. He keeps asking if he KNOWS him and she still will not admit that she's had sex with him. What a dumb bitch! Obviously Ray knows; just freakin' tell him. Finally se confesses that she 'met" him ine night and they "messed around." Luscious tries to turn it around and say that Dre is trying to make himself look good. Umm no ho. Dre is trying to find out if he needs to pick up a Z pack for Ray.

Platinum and Luscious talk about the situation and Platinum tells Ray that Luscious should stay because she really cares about him. Ray can't believe that he's going through this again. Whatever will he do? Let's find out at Eliminations.

Mz Berry gets the first glass for being classy, Caliente gets the second for being whiny and Extra gets the third for taking those damn glasses off. The ceremony continues and Ray tells Heart Breaker that he needs to see more from her. Expect some additional nudity next week folks. It's down to Just Right, Luscious and Lava. Ray J tells Just Right that she fell flat on their date and he can not give her a glass. She lives and says that she wishes him the best.

Ray J can not believe that he and Lava had their first argument already. He reveals that Luscious smashed a homie but he's more upset that she did not tell him about it. He calls Lava down and tells her that she got weird even after he tried to see what was wrong with her. Lava leaves and says that he has to work for her and she's not going to give at all. And that's why you are going home. Luscious apologizes and gets her glass.

Another week down, 18 more to go. Lava said she wouldn't bow down to Ray J but I have a feeling one of the ladies will. Here's an early Chrismahannukwanzaa present.

This season remember to give thanks...for women like these who make you and I feel just a little bit better about ourselves. On my way to see New Moon; I know that I'm a loser but at least I'm not a Lava *rimshot.*

We are down to fourteen, and tonight they will battle it out for your votes. In the end, there can be only one.

Lythgoe was an effete snob! He died on his knees! I took his head and raped his woman before his blood was even cold... hahahaha!  

Welcome! To So You Think You Can Dance (dance.............dance)!

UGH.  Buy a fucking shirt with buttons!!!!!  

Don't you just love my sparkly tin foil dress??  

No guest judges again this week. At this point I think I might even get excited over Toni Basil.

Nevermind. 

This week's filler question?   How did you get into dance? And just for shits and giggles we'll get to see kiddie pictures and maybe even some video of the dancers. I hope everyone's been good to their moms lately!  

But before we get to the contestants, Cat has a little surprise for us; childhood pictures of the judges. Anyone want to see a nine year old Nigel? Me either.

I was expecting an oil painting; I didn't know photography was invented so long ago. 

Before the botulism 

Adam says that thanks to botox she doesn't look any different. Hahahahaha! I love you, Adam!

Adorable then, adorable now. 

First up to dance are Asseleigh and Jakob. Asseleigh says that as a child she was always energetic and her mom tells her she never slept. Translation: even her mom hates her.

Her most memorable dance performance was when she beat out CeCe for the part in Mr. Melman's new show.

Jakob has always been really artsy. No way! He also went through a chunky phase which is when he really got into dancing.  

He loved it, and as an added bonus, he also lost weight. I for one am glad that he loved it because he's a pretty amazing dancer. I am also glad he lost weight because I am very, very shallow.

This week they will be dancing a Tabitha and Napoleon hip hop routine. The story of the piece is about a couple (duh), they're in love, and she finds out that he has cheated on her. This should be great practice for when Cat inevitably seduces Ryan.

Okay, the first thing I have to say is that the text messages displayed on the stage screen? Dumb. That aside, I was surprised that someone finally gave Asseleigh some actual choreography to perform. Shocking!

Perhaps even more shocking than that was the fact that she wasn't terrible doing that choreography. Don't worry, I still hate her. What did bug me about her in this was that I thought she was overselling the emotion. Her dancing was okay, but her faces were over the top which ruined her performance for me. I think I might have actually liked her in this if it weren't for the face pulling. Eeek! 

Jakob is definitely one of my favorites. He continues to kill it in every style he gets. I was actually worried about him getting hip hop, I wasn't sure if he'd be able to hit it hard enough, but I thought he did a really good job. I don't think these guys are going anywhere anytime soon.

As they finish Cat says that right now thousands of men are deleting messages from their phones. Ummm, if they're watching the show with their wives or girlfriends I'm thinking they're not even looking at that cell phone right now. No need to call attention to it, right?

Don't delete my messages, Hugh! 

Nigel's speaking first this week. He thinks this was a great routine, he thinks they always find a great gimmick, and texting was no exception. He knows so many people that have suffered from that. 

Other pervy old men? 

He's going straight home and wiping his phone. I don't know how that will help when evidence of your disgusting perviness is recorded weekly and broadcast on TV. But yeah, wipe your cell phone, jackass.

He tells Jakob that every single week he is challenged by the choreographers and every week he comes up to scratch. Scratch that. Not only does he come up to scratch, he adds to. Does that even make sense? Whatever, there is little doubt in Nigel's mind that Jakob will continue to grow into the top ten. Yeah, I'd be pretty shocked if he got cut before then. I'm hoping to see him go very far.

Nigel says he always thought that Asseleigh had the ability to grow and then he basically confirms that he paired her with Jakob so that she could ride his coattails to the top ten. I knew it!!!!!! He does add a but, saying that she has grown at a faster pace than he imagined she would and she has really contributed to this partnership, particularly this week. Baloney! This is the FIRST week she's contributed in my opinion. 

He thinks she was really good tonight, and says he could name a number of people that didn't give her a chance in this show that are now eating their words. I think that's a little premature, Nigel. I'm not prepared to eat any of my words just yet, thanks. 

Mary says that Asseleigh is a star tonight. She can't believe how hard hitting and believe her passion was in the dance. You too, Jakob.

Adam says he doesn't really know what to say to Jakob. He thinks Jakob's just about as sure a bet as you can get to be in the top ten. He thinks he's crushing it this season. I agree. Adam then goes on to tell Asseleigh that he was one of the people that didn't believe in her. He now thinks she is absolutely a top contender for the top ten. Well, DUH Adam, she's paired with Jakob! 

He thinks Nigel is right, it has nothing to do with Jakob's coattails anymore. Her total commitment to this style of movement was absolutely so convincing, gripping, and it was just awesome to see how much she's changed. Pleh.

Up next are Karen and Kevin. Karen was a total goody goody who always did everything that she was told. As a child Karen performed at the Martha Graham Dance School which I think is pretty cool. It sounds like she had a language barrier at first and learned what steps meant by watching. Which is pretty much how all kids learn, so whatever Karen.

Kevin is the oldest of six kids. He says when his dad was away he was the man of the house, and no matter what age he was, he was always in charge of his mom. Wha??? He didn't start dancing until he was seventeen, but one of his most memorable dance experiences was performing a tribute to Michael Jackson after he died. Less than a year ago. Ahhhhh, memories. 

Kevin tells us it was amazing, and they felt like MJ's spirit was there. He just let go and really thought he was Michael Jackson at that time.

Did you get a sudden hankering for young boys? 

Sorry, I just couldn't resist. They will be doing a Broadway number with new choreographer Spencer Liff. Oh. My. God. Another week with no Sir BitchyPants?!?!?!?!? I am the happiest recapper on the planet!!!

Spencer is much much cuter than Sir BitchyPants!! 

I had no idea who Spencer was and what he has done, so I did a little research. Turns out, he was in Equus as one of the horses (and dance captain), so I've seen him perform! He was also in Across The Universe as Evan Rachel Wood's ill fated boyfriend, as well as a few other film and stage roles going back to when he was a kid. I really hope he's a good choreographer!!!!

They will be doing a number from Sweet Charity. YAY! A show I like! Karen says that Broadway looks easy on stage but then she sees all the things she has to do and realizes it ain't so easy. Spencer says he thinks they were shocked by how difficult the routine is; he actually thought this routine was going to be a cake walk, but he's guessing that he was wrong.

Whoa. That was BAD. Like really, really, bad. I actually really liked the choreography, and I love the song ("If My Friends Could See Me Now"), but they danced it horribly and had zero personality. This was an epic FAIL. Did anyone else catch Kevin kissing Karen on the teeth? 

AWKWARD! 

Cat remembers Shirley MacLaine doing this number in the movie and she was phenomenal. Uh, okay. Thanks for sharing, Cat.

Nigel would first like to congratulate Spencer. Nigel says that certainly was Broadway choreography and that style requires humor in the performance. He says you can hear it in the music and singing - shout out to Christina Applegate! - but they had none of it in their performance. 

He says this is probably the first time that Karen has been asked to dance without being a sex kitten. She had to be a cute little character here. He thinks that is possibly why he didn't enjoy her performance this evening. No wood. Kevin on the other hand was wooden. Nigel thinks that with a hip hop background Kevin should have been able to better bring the humor that the routine needed. 

Mary agrees. She says it needed to be so much more. She also thinks that Karen fared better than Kevin, and tells Kevin his shoulders were up too high for most of the performance.  She reassures them that they've had some spectacular moments in the show (they have?) and she thinks this is just a bump in the road tonight. She hopes they learn from it and grow. I think they better start hoping that someone else bombs worse than they do.

Adam tells Spencer that he thinks it was a great combination of staccato movement meshed with lyrical and smooth movement in there because it really challenged the dancers. Did it challenge them too much? Possibly.

He thinks this is amazing for Kevin to even get through that given that he is a hip hop dancer. Ugh. Isn't that the purpose of the show, Adam? He does agree that Karen fared better, but says she is equipped to fare better. He was actually happy to see her being asked to play something other than the tigress for a change. He does agree this was a bump, but good for the show. Huh? I'm going to guess that he means adding Spencer as a choreographer.

Now it's time for Russell and Noelle. 

Russell tells us that he was very outgoing as a child; he wasn't shy about performing at all. He always knew he had an interest in the arts; he was always singing songs, or trying to do dances that he saw. When he was about seven or eight he performed Billie Jean in a show. He does not say that he thought he was Michael Jackson.

So adorable! 

Noelle tells us she was crazy as a child, a wild thing. She tells a story of how she lost her front tooth because she was jumping on the hood of a car and smacked her head into the windshield.

That may explain a lot of things. 

They will be dancing the fox trot choreographed by Eddie Simon. Are you serious that Russell has to do the fox trot again? And so soon? That is such complete bullshit!!

Eddie thinks it's interesting that they've picked fox trot again. That's one word for it. Sabotage is another. Noelle is excited to do this dance with Russell, thinking it's good that he doesn't have to do it with Melanie this time. You better watch out, Noelle! She might trip you again!

I really liked this. I just love watching Russell dance, and yet again, he just made me smile throughout this whole number. He definitely has that certain something about him.   I also thought they did a good job with the actual dancing of the piece, I didn't really see a lot of missteps. This is a hard style to sell, and I can't say I LOVED it, but I really did like it. A lot.

Nigel says it's only been a couple of weeks since Russell did this style but either Eddie Simon has brought something out of him, or he has vastly improved in two weeks. He thinks the carriage is better, the rise and fall is better, and there is no question that Russell is a star. He never ceases to amaze Nigel and he continues to grow every week.

He tells Noelle she has a star partner, but what he likes about her is that she is not content in his shadow (coughAsseleighcough). She fights each week to get herself out there and make herself seen. And she is successful in doing that.

Mary says Russell is so far outside his style yet he still made it look so effortless there. He didn't look worried to her, and there is a lot to be worried about when you dance a fox trot. She loves him! She thinks Noelle is absolutely gorgeous.

In her granny dress 

Seriously, what the fuck is up with that dress? It makes her look fat and dumpy. Noelle, you can't go around pissing off the costume department, see how they pay you back?

Mary says she looked smooth because her foot work was correct, and something about tracking in the line. I'm sorry, she's lost me. Oh, I get it, when she's talking about tracking she means having your feet forward instead of turned out; usually contemporary dancers have a hard time not turning out their feet. She is so proud of them tonight.

Adam thinks the key thing to underline in their performance was joy. YES!! He says the joy just exuded out of them, and they had a huge amount of confidence considering he is a hip hop krumper and she is a contemporary dancer doing the second most deadly dance next to the quickstep. Whatever, Adam. The foxtrot only has a fifty percent rate of elimination. I'm pretty sure there are other dances that rate higher on the deadly dance scale. 

Anyway, He thinks they are fantastic and he loves them!

Up next are Victor and Channing. Channing tells us she was crazy energetic and adventurous as a child. She thinks her mom enrolled her in dance class so that she could burn off some of that energy, and also, to have some time away from her. Ouch!

Victor tells us he was a brat; he was that kid who gets lost in a department store. And then he does an impression of his mom yelling for him in a deep voice. Hee! That made me laugh. He remembers a dance he did when he was young saying his turns then were terrible compared to his turns now. 

This week they will be doing a jazz routine choreographed by Sir BitchyPants. URGH. Just one week off? Really? At least he's not doing Broadway. He tells us this routine is about two curious, eclectic blackbirds coming out to play. He finds himself to be waaaaaay too amusing.

BARF 

He wants them to feed off each other in this routine. And then we see him yelling at them. A lot. And still finding himself to be amusing while doing that. Have I mentioned lately that I hate him?

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I seriously hate this fucking Bobby McFerrin version of "Blackbird" that they're using. What the hell is it with this show and the horrible versions of this song that they subject us to??? I LOVE this song (The Beatles' version) and I cannot fucking stand any of the versions they've ever used on this show.

The song completely ruined the first viewing of this dance for me. I seriously couldn't concentrate on the dancing because I was so consumed by hatred for the song. So I watched it again. Same problem. Then I tried watching with the sound muted. Much better.

You know, they both are really good dancers, but I just can't seem to connect with them emotionally. Channing still seems more butch than her partner to me, and Victor, while technically really great, doesn't have a lot of personality in his performance. I really want to like them, but I sorta keep forgetting they're even in the competition. Uh oh.

Cat is working my last nerve tonight as she is now making kissy animal noises at them, the sound that annoying people make when they're calling their cat or dog.

She asks Victor about his war wound from this dance. Apparently Channing got a little over exuberant with the pecking and gave him a gash about his eye requiring five stitches. Yeouch!! He says he asked for six, to represent season six, but the doctors wouldn't do it. 

And his mom's insurance wouldn't cover it. 

Nigel tells Channing that this is the first week for him where it looked like she actually enjoyed herself, so he actually enjoyed her performance. He says it's funny that they were dancing in a cage because he feels like sometimes she cages her own feelings and emotions. Does she? She says she does, but she stepped outside of the cage this week.

He tells Victor that he has a lot to say to him. Ever since they saw him the first time, right through to Vegas week, all the way through to this point he has really grown as a man and matured. He's so proud of him. As a dancer he has always been of a high standard but he's not seeing Victor grow much more than that week after week. Nigel is seeing other guys start to spike and overtake him in that respect. He needs him to grow in his performances, but he is a superb dancer, and Nigel loves his work.

Mary tells Sir BitchyPants that she just loves this concept. It was such a fun piece. She tells Victor that he hasn't had that star moment yet, but he is so consistent and that is why he is still here because he is consistently really really good. She wants him to dig deeper. She thinks that Channing has been great and strong all the way along. She loved watching her break down and just let it go and get into this character. 

Adam says it's as if she's finding her way into the show right now. He says he thinks there was a rocky start with some of the partnership upsets and some of whatever. But she's now loosening up and letting go, and if she keeps growing now she's going to do great. 

He tells Sir BitchyPants that this was an incredibly smart routine. Ugh, enough with that, Adam. I may scream the next time he tells a choreographer that. Nigel butts in saying he prefers the Beatles singing "Blackbird."

As much as it pains me to say this.....WORD, Nigel. 

Adam agrees. He says that this version of the song kept him out of feeling for the dancers a little bit. That having been said, he agrees with Nigel and Mary about Victor. They've always thought he was a great dancer, now he needs to get in it to win it. Then he says "I'm just in it to give advice. Alright? You're welcome." Wow. Is someone starting to get a little big for his britches?

Please don't make me start to hate you, Adam. 

We're moving on now to Kathryn and Legacy. Kathryn was very shy as a child.

And adorable!! 

Her mom owned a dance studio and got her into dancing, and her first performance was with her mom. Say it with me now, awwwwwwwww. 

Legacy was a rebel. He followed his passion no matter what anyone said. He remembers his first performance being at a house party. His dad used to do some dancing and would grab his hand and try to get him out there as well, but Legacy wasn't having any of that. Until his dad gave him five bucks. He says he owes his dad a thank you because if it wasn't for that moment, he wouldn't be here today. Say it with me again, awwwww.

Shit! I think I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that I actually like this kid now. Damn! 

They will be dancing a paso doble choreographed by Tony Meredith. Hey! Where's Bette?!?!? Oh, wait. I bet I know what happened.

She kicked Adam's ass last time she was here! Tony just watched, so they let him come back. 

Tony tells us that the paso doble is passion, it's power, it's provocative, it's intense. The story is that Legacy is an admiral who comes in from his naval fleet and he sees his lover, his concubine who he has been longing to be with. She's angry with him, and the entire dance is like a fight. Wow. I guess someone misses Bette.

Shankman can't keep us apart forever! 

Tony says this is the paso doble from hell. It's gonna be up, down, on the floor, around. Legacy tells us it is no joke. Kathryn thinks it is fast! Legacy tells us something's gotta give! And then he splits his pants. 

Well, better in rehearsal than on stage, right? Just ask Chbeeb.

Okay, so there were definitely a couple of really awkward moments in there, like the final lift and the death drops, but even despite those, I really enjoyed this number. These two have really chemistry together and I think they did a great job of selling the number. Even when they're weren't necessarily getting the technique exactly right.

I'm still sort of in shock over how much I've ended up liking these two especially given how much they both annoyed the crap out of me during Vegas week. I keep expecting to wake up and decide I hate them again, but they keep right on charming me. I think I might be getting soft.

Oddly, we are taking a break before hearing the judges' comments. I don't think we've ever done that before.

Once we're back, Nigel's up first. Again. He doesn't know where Tony's got this story from. How many admirals wander around shirtless? Adam pipes up to say that if Legacy's an admiral, he knows a lot of people who'd want to sign up for that Navy.

They just better get in line behind me! 

Nigel reminds Kathryn that he called her dancing juvenile last week. He thinks she's certainly changed that this week! Eeewwwww. Nigel's boner is back. He says Tony was asking her for intensity and passion, and she brought it all. Absolutely magnificent.

He says every time he sees Legacy he is practicing. He even saw him practicing with his shadow. Nigel says it's that passion and that hunger, it's that need for knowledge and everything else that is going to push him into the top ten. He tells Legacy that if he gets into the top ten, it will make him very, very proud indeed.

Please! Like you'd even consider sending him home! 

Mary agrees that Kathryn was right on the money. She was a little vixen out there. And Holy Smokes! She thinks Legacy is just crazy again this week. The character that he portrayed was so right on, she can't even believe it. Yes, there were some technical aspects weren't there, but she thought his syncopated steps were just perfect. Ole, brother!

Adam tells Kathryn she killed it, she just destroyed out there. She had so much bravado. Every head snap. the use of her skirt, when she hit the ground, she HIT the ground. He thought she was amazing and fabulous. 

Adam tells Legacy that in Vegas one of the things that was shocking to everyone on the panel was his lack of stamina. He says his stamina now is absolutely spectacular. Yeah, I'm going to leave that one alone. He says over half of the people questioned whether or not he should be in the top twenty. Apparently there was a raging debate about it. Ooooo, I wonder who didn't want him to make it? Mia? And who else?

Adam says that now he thinks Legacy is going to make it into the top ten because he is crushing it. If he keeps growing the way he has been, he could go all the way. He says Legacy is a total inspiration to all these breakdancers out there because he is no longer a breakdancer, he is a dancer. Pleh.

Oh! Now I see why we had a break before the comments! It's so we could have yet another in-show commercial for the Dizzy Feet Foundation and it's gala event.

Already the foundation has been able to provide scholarships to nine amazing dancers. We see some of the kids who are going to some pretty awesome schools. Among them are Julliard, JKO at American Ballet Theatre, Ailey II and (of course) the Debbie Allen Dance Academy. 

They've also gotten together with community programs that work with inner city schools. I do like that. A lot. Nigel says that hopefully from the thousands of kids that are experiencing dance at this age, one or two of them will come out of it and be professional dancers. But at this age what they really want is to just get them involved in dance.

They need to raise money, so they are having the gala event that Nigel mentioned last week. Ummmm, I'm still waiting to hear who would like to take me to that. Did you fail to see that I said I would put out?!?

Aside from everyone they've already told us about, Cat says there will be many more surprise appearances from the world of film, television, and dance.

Cat! Just tell me if he's going to be there! Come on! TELL ME!!!! 

Oh, probably not. His show is still going on. Phew! I still want tickets, though! Call me! I do a bendy pretzel bobcat thing you'll love! Nigel says if you haven't bought tickets yet you still can, or you can just give money. He should talk to Pay Per View about getting this on there for those of us that don't live in California. I know I'd fork over some dough to watch!

Alright, time to get back to the dancing. Next up are Ellenore and Ryan. Ellenore tells us she was a very sassy little girl. She says the first time she got out on stage she was just watching everyone else dance, picking her wedgie, and waving to her mom. Ha! I sort of love that!  

Ryan started dancing when he was four and it really came naturally to him. So does modesty. He says it's kind of in his blood because his grandparents were professional ballroom dancers. I wonder if his grandfather pranced around all the time refusing to button his shirt? His first performance was as a bunny.

In what has to be the biggest rip off of a costume I have ever seen. 

At least he was wearing a shirt. They will be dancing a Travis Wall contemporary piece. The story is about a reunited couple. Wait! Is that? It is!

Jaimie!!! Love her! 

Anyway, it's about a couple that gets reintroduced to each other ten years down the road. She's proud; he realizes he missed out on the best thing he ever had in his life. Oh, barf. Travis, you know I love you, but that concept really might make me puke.

Ellenore thinks there will be a lot of emotional investigation for both her and Ryan. Careful, Ellenore! Asseleigh is watching you!

First of all, I really love that song, "Your Ex-Lover's Dead" by Stars. I absolutely loved that moment in the beginning that they held and took a moment, just looking at each other before they began to dance together. You know, Ryan is another one that is not my favorite. I'd love to see him, his unbuttoned shirts, and his wife all get booted before the top ten. But I don't think that is going to happen. And part of that is because of the way he just danced.

When I watched it the first time, I actually completely dismissed him thinking that he didn't do anything other than lift Ellenore. But that wasn't the case. He did actually dance, and it was pretty good. She was better, but overall, I enjoyed their performance.

Nigel thinks there's so much about luck on this program. This week after performing an awful krump (that was billed as hip hop) last week, and barely making it through, he thinks they've cemented their place for next week. They've benefited from an absolutely brilliant Travis Wall routine. I don't know that I'd call it brilliant, Nigel. Don't get carried away, okay?

He tells them it was his favorite routine of the night, and tells Travis that he is an absolute asset to season six. Well, yeah, especially now that Mia's gone and quit. He says that in talking to the choreographers, they have all said that Ellenore is one of the sharpest tools in the box this season. But he is worried that in becoming a different person and character with every routine that she does, that the public won't know who she is. Yes, because we are all idiots, Nigel.

He thinks tonight that we will all finally understand what a complete all round brilliant performer she is.

And what a complete, total, all-round dickhead HE is 

Nigel tells Ryan he would have never guessed that he is a ballroom dancer tonight had he not known his history. He believes having watched him tonight that he is the best ballroom dancer that has ever done contemporary. Uh, Nigel? I hope you're just talking about the guys because I the ballroom girls have certainly held their own. Heidi was in Mia's piece that won an Emmy, and even though I wasn't a huge fan of Lacey, her piece with Kameron was pretty darn good. Oh! And Chelsie's with Mark. The ballroom guys? Yeah, they weren't so good at contemporary. He thinks Ryan was outstanding tonight.

Mary thinks that Travis hasn't taken a wrong step this season and she is so proud of him. She thinks Ellenore is the perfect blend of just being gorgeous and having star quality moments. Not only because of her beauty, but also because of her technique. Her legs, her feet, and the fact that she can take on any character that they give her.

She tells Ryan that he is being an inspiration now to thousands of ballroom kids out there. She says so many ballroom kids do not want to get off the circuit, they don't want to come and try out for this show (probably because they know you overload it with contemporary dancers), they're intimidated by doing other styles. He has broken so many barriers for ballroom dancers across this country. And then she gets choked up.

She tells them that her grandmother used to have a saying when you did something well, she would say it was like walking on tall cotton. Huh? Wha? What was her grandma? A plantation owner or something?

"I do declare, Mammy, you lace me up as if you were walking on tall cotton!!"  

"Fuck you, Miss Scarlet." 

Adam says that So You Think You Can Dance has kicked in just now! Nice. Way to insult the rest of the dancers, Adam. He has been loving many things throughout this season but he was just saying to his colleagues earlier that he hasn't yet had that moment that catches his breath. Well, not since the first performance show when everyone danced in their own styles.

God, I miss that Billy Bell. 

This brought him the same amount of joy. He says they made him catch his breath again. He gushes on and on about Ryan, but I think I've hit my max on the fawning all over Ryan at this point, so I refuse to listen anymore. Oh! He's pretty sure both Ryan and his wife (did you know he's married?) are going to end up in the top ten. Bleh. 

No word on whether he thinks Ellenore will be there too. I'm pretty sure she will. Unless they get another hip hop.

Time for the last couple of the evening.  Are you ready to meet the kiddie versions of Mowee and Nathan?

Nathan tells us he is the youngest of three boys and he always got what he wanted, and he was kind of a brat. He says watching his brothers dance really got him into dancing.  Mowee tells us she was a little diva. She was always decked out and always acted like she was she older, even though she was only four or five. Funnily enough, she tells us, now that she is eighteen she acts younger. Ha. Ha. Ha. Yeah, that's not funny at all. Just sort of sad really.

They will be performing a pop jazz routine by Laurieann Gibson. HAHAHAHAHA!! Now THAT is funny! Please please please let Mowee raise her hand and ask to go to the bathroom!

Hold it in, Betsy Wetsy! 

Mowee is nervous. Hee! I hope it makes her have to pee! Laurieann says she expects one hundred percent. A hundred and ten. Mowee tells us this dance is very passionate and everything they do is from the soul. Laurieann says they better give the audience goosebumps because she will accept nothing less.

Feh. Who turned Laurieann down to three? We need her at least a six!!! Dammit! She then shows them a chill they put on her arm, then tells them not to get happy. That was it?!? What a disappointment, Laurieann.

I did not like that at all. I just really can't stand the way Mowee moves. She still seems sloppy to me. You know, Nigel blasted Kathryn last week, telling her that her movement was juvenile, but it's Mowee's movement that is juvenile and childish. 

I didn't like Nathan in this either. You know, Laurieann choreographs with such strong movement, I don't think either one of them could pull it off. Color me unimpressed.

Nigel thinks they've both dug much deeper this week for this performance. He thinks it was so much stronger from that point of view. He tells Mowee she is one of the most committed dancers he has ever met.

Someone commit him. PLEASE. 

He says that will stand her in really good stead as she moves on in her career and she becomes the professional that they all know she's going to be. He's says you need that commitment and that passion because where else but in dance are you going to have to put up with people moaning at you, shouting at you, being underpaid and overworked, only in dance. I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with you on that one, Nigel.

Ummm, yee-ahhh. I'm gonna have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Saturday.

He tells Nathan that quite a few people thought Nigel was too tough on him last week. He's not going to be any easier this week. He thinks Nathan is possibly one of the most talented young men that he's ever had the pleasure of meeting. He says he's going to stay on Nathan's back the entire time he's in this competition because he has got to grow.

Nigel thinks he has the potential of being one of the best dancers they've ever had on this series, so he's got to make sure he's growing. A lot of other dancers that are not as technically proficient as him are growing in leaps and bounds. So he needs to mature and reach his full potential in the time that he is in the competition.

Mary says it's good to have the dream team back again! Oh, shut up, Mary! She was shocked how badly they did last week, and she is happy to see them back strong and committed. Did it give her chills? No. But it was really good tonight, so she'll give them a little shout out.

Excuse you! 

Adam agrees with what's been said. So now he wants to talk to them about strategy. He thinks things have come easy to Nathan (especially given what he said about getting everything that he wants), and he tells him that this will not come easy. And ohmygod he's just going on and on and on and seriously? I do love Adam, but I really want him to shut the fuck up right about now. Especially when he says they were in sync this week. I strongly disagree.

He wants them to look at the people that are being praised, and look at what they're being praised for. He wants to see them go really far. He's expecting in the future one of those gasp, catch your breath moments from them.

Cat talks us through a quick review of the dances and phone numbers for tonight's performances, and then all the dancers are on stage and she wants the judges to tell us who they think might be in trouble this week. Nigel? He wants to first point out that it's not about the choreography, just the sucky way they danced it. Kevin and Karen. Mary? Ditto. Adam? Same. I can't say I disagree with them on that one.

What did you think, Gasmi? Who were your favorites this evening? Which dances left you unimpressed? How freaking cute is Russell? Are you all as resigned as I am to just liking Legacy now? And most importantly, am I the only one that wants to see Ryan button his fucking shirt?

As always, I am jumping right over to the results show, so I should have that for you soon! Until then....

SWAK, PottyMouth

Nothin' but death can keep me from it!!

We open with Carol Hannah dealing with her illness the same way we deal with it in my family. A tiny flask she keeps hidden under her armpit.

Atta girl!

Althea and Irina sit together for breakfast. Althea says that Carol Hannah got sick in the middle of the night, and Irina asks "why?" LOL. Carol Hannah could be on fire and Irina would just pass by muttering about how she can't start a decent fire. Irina tells us with as much conviction as possible that she feels bad for Carol Hannah but there's nothing she can do...she stops short of rolling her eyes and buttoning that sentence with "so fuck her", and I'm proud of her for it.

Carol Hannah walks around sniffling and wahing and talking really slow. WE GET IT! BUCK UP! Straight Guy says he feels bad for her and he's proud of her and blaaaahhhh. I have my fingers crossed for Laura to storm in and accuse someone of cheating, but I'm not holding my breath. CH's sniffling gets louder and since there's not really a whole lot to talk about, the other designers stand around and stare at her uncomfortably.

Somewhere out there, beneath a pale blue sky! Someone's thinking of me and loving me toniiiight!

Then she starts crying and Minnesota is at her side, hugging her and telling her it's gonna be ok. She sobs that there's just too much work to do and "it's not supposed to goooo like thiiiiis!WAAAHHAHAHAHHHHH!" He hugs her and consoles her, but I think she's trying to hint that he needs to do more work. If so, he doesn't get it. He tells us that he's super glad he's there today. He may not have been trained in hugs, but he's gonna give her some anyway. Cuz he's a fighter, got it? He's making things worse with that hoodie. It's probably making her dizzy.

Please let me know if I can do anything! Sew? No. Not trained in that. I can bunch some sheets up around a dress form and hot glue them together like a Little House on the Prairie extra. No? Hmmm. Let's hug!

Um...yeah ok just do that.

Tim comes in to check on progress. He starts with Irina and likes her first look, but is afraid that boobies might be hanging out.

I can practically flick her areola, mmmkaaaaay?

Althea shows Tim her 13th look. The insecure dress form is so embarrassed by its giant shoulders that it's covered its face with a big card.

I'm a moooonsteeer!

Tim thinks the shoulders are too eighties, but Althea thinks they'll add some drama. He's not buying it, so she starts pitching her smudged messy makeup plan. He stops her and says that Irina was just telling him she's gonna do the exact same thing. Althea looks uncomfortable and Irina stays quiet, so Tim asks her flat out if she said that or not cuz he doesn't want the models to look like they just popped out of the same popsicle stick factory. Irina shrugs and says "that's Althea!" Then a Whammy pops out and punches her in the brain.

There's an awkward silence as Irina falls to the floor, dead again. Tim says "this will resolve itself" and asks Althea if she's got any more issues. Gee, I don't know! You tell her! She starts crying and says she's overwhelmed with how many ideas there are around her to steal. It's so hard to just pick one. Tim's like ugh women and then moves on to Carol Hannah. After a death and some tears, there's not much she can do to hold his interest. He pats her on the head, compliments her thirteenth look and moves on.

That night, Carol Hannah feels better. We can tell because she's putting on lots of mascara. Her poor eyelid muscles are gonna just fail one day and she's not going to understand why she has to go through the rest of her life like a newborn kitten.

The next day, everyone gets some last minute stuff done and the models come in for another fitting. Irina is trying to decide what to put her feature model in cuz that's what the judges are gonna see the longest in the final judging. She has her girl try on lots of stuff and it all looks the same. Don't worry, world, you won't run out of black mini skirts while Irina's still alive! Wait. A pigeon just flew down her throat and choked her. Pastel knee length dresses it is.

The next day, Tim comes in for a pep talk. Don't fuck up, the end. You have to give credit to Gordana Friedokrahausen, cuz she's taking a lot of nagging and crap from Irina and she hasn't beat her with an old potato yet. Granted, she's walking super slowly and looks like she's about to slip into a coma any second, but she hasn't snapped and that shows some serious strength. The focus isn't on her, but I'd like to think that every time Irina snaps at her, Macandcheesehausen walks away muttering "fucking stupid beetch" like a disgruntled maid.

OK the editors on this show are just killing me. This is the third time they've shown Carol Hannah applying mascara. LOVE.

Time for the show!! Lots of backstage going ons while the big stahs arrive, and we learn that models don't only wear wigs after age 35 because of a lack of nutrients.

Start time has come and gone, and no one is ready. Tim starts freaking out and calling the designers weak and telling them that they are like walking abortion commercials. No, he doesn't. He freaks out Tim style.

I am very disheartened right now mkay?

Fat Bitch Heidi's fat slut of a mother comes out to welcome us to Bryant Park.

Long night?

We get a shot of the judges. Nina looks so damn skinny! WTH? I hope she's not sick. No one should be that skinny. She looks like one long neck with a nose. It might just be because she's sitting next to Fred Flinstone's mother in law. Been a long time since I've seen her. Love the black hair.

Althea is first. She comes out in uggs and tights with holes in them, which should automatically disqualify her ass. She tells the crowd that she was inspired by sci-fi movies from the fifties and her collection is all about what today's woman would wear tomorrow. Hopefully something other than uggs. Are those even still legal in NY?

OUT

She opens with her Irina sweater. It looks great. The leather (pleather? satin?) outfit under it is pretty hot, in a sweaty in any kind of weather sort of a way. Dominatrixes need have down homey comfort sometimes, too.

She follows that with a simple black dress...

...followed by some parachute pants. Cuz women in the fifties had visions of dressing like they were from the eighties in the two thousands.

Love this one.

Althea has picked a definite look and she's sticking with it. It's already taken by H&M, but at least she's showing some consistency. And H&M has some cute stuff.

The next look is for a woman who insists on dining at restaurants without coat checks.

Fine, I'll keep it on!

Mama Flinstone is so stealing that out of the dressing room.

Leather pants! A tank top! None of this is revolutionary, but none of it has been fug, either.

Woops. Spoke too soon.

COLOR!! Nina just clinched her uterus in delight.

And we can't have a runway show without some silver!

Ma'am, please put your dress' penis away.

The next dress is one of her most original pieces. I didn't even appreciate its cuteness until the third viewing. The first two times all I saw were shoulders.

Dang girl! Next time you feel the urge to do some pullups, resist!

I have no idea what's going on with this one, but having a bib wherever you go is never a bad idea.

Date night! We're going for ribs. Dress appropriately.

Next up is a mock turtleneck floor length dress with a long train. The model looks gorgeous in this, and it would be fun to wear something that literally makes all the people around you fall down.

Overall, Althea's best work of the season, but Gordana Chickenndumplinshausen's face says it all.

I hope one of dee keedz change da wadder for my podado pland.

Carol Hannah comes out and the audience goes nuts. The season hadn't aired when the finale was filmed, so Lord only knows why they give her a better reception than Althea. I suspect they are applauding the balls it took to wear a fifteen year old's batmitzva dress from the early eighties to a fashion event.

La heim, mothatruckas!

She says that the ride has been wacky and then she throws up and cries. I can't tell if her first look is hideous or stunning, which means CAROL HANNAH UNDERSTANDS FASHION!! Sorry, Alth!

This poor ballerina has term eczema, but she's working through it!

Tim was worried that Carol Hannah could only make formalwear, but she's putting her own spin on it and it's pretty cool. Her causal formal even looks good.

The next one fades into the background so I can't really see it. You tell me if it sucks or not.

Next up is a guest at an Eggplant ball with a bar across the chest. Why? Don't know. IT'S FASHION!

Simple black dress with some frilly detailing up the front. Cute.

Wax your shoulder, heathen!

The toilet brush dress is next and wow. It's...very toilet brushy. If you're single and you want to look fertile and obsessed with housework, this is your time.

Now imagine what this would look like in a size twelve.

Formal pregnancy dress with more of that cutesy detailing on the front. Well, she had to get her required silver in somewhere.

Down, horny pregnant lady!

I don't know what pageant this girl is in, but she took home the blue ribbon.

This is one of her best, for me. The big brown gift bow is odd, but it flows real pertily.

We don't get a full shot of the next one, which is a shame cuz it's hilarious. Satin shorts, a tank, and a cape. The model looks like a little girl with no friends trying to emulate Hermoine.

If Ron Weasly doesn't put his hand up my shirt soon, I'm blowing the quidditch quarterback.

She chose the wrong model for this next dress, cuz it's cute and should be bouncing and flowing all over the place.

She gets more bounce as she walks away, and I love it. Suddenly that drab dress is a pissed off jellyfish about to attack a toddler.

YAY!

The last piece is a mermaid chicken hybrid, but it could work. In an underwater chicken coop saloon.

I just laid some children! Who wants a shot?


Bitch stole my chicken idea!

Irina gets pretty big applause, but then she makes the mistake of injecting her personality into her speech. She says that her collection is all about NY, and how you have to comfort and protect yourself at all times. LOL. The audience is dead silent. Irina will not be getting a job on the tourism board any time soon. "New York: Don't Come Without A Protective Shell and a Can of Pepper Spray." Nina said last week that she's looking for an exciting use of color. This collection, therefore, is entitled "Suck My Dick, Nina", or "How to Protect Yourself in New York from Attackers (and Nina)".

Fight off attackers with sleeves.


Or have your horse kick them in the face.


Or force them to sit through another performance of Chicago.


Or smother them with a coat.


Or try to trick them into robbing Althea instead.


Or threaten to turn them into faux fur old lady hooker hoodies.


Or bore them to death.


Or put them in a sauna wearing a Snuggie.


Or confuse them by wearing the same thing over and over.


Or remind them you can't be hurt cuz you wear a bullet proof vest at all times.


Or make your knees look like Hannibal Lecter.


Or put them in fur handcuffs.


Or try to convince them you're a robot by wearing outlines of really shiny ribs.


The end.

Wow. Have some fucking tights, Irina! JEEZE! I honestly had to check my screengrabs to make sure I wasn't accidentally posting copies. Black protective shells. Frigid much? That was absolutely ridiculous. She's the frontrunner? I lived in NY a long time, and I get that NYers love their black. Hopefully this collection will be a wake up call. It's like if you crave pizza, the best thing to do is eat pizza until you throw up and the thought of pizza disgusts you. Mmmm. Pizza. Wait. Where was I? I'm going to take my own advice and eat five pizzas. If I gain weight I'll just order the toilet brush dress and make it all look on purpose. Who is gonna win this? I think Carol Hannah should, which means she will come in last. Sorry, CH!

Why are people clapping? Did the show start yet? I can't see anything. Georgia! Georgia!

Let's ask the stahs what they think!

Epperson!! Could you get these jeans for me in a size 38? Mkthanks.


Martina liked the dueling sweaters.


It all looked good enough to snort.


I'll have a bluuuuue Christmas without yoooou!

I smell a Carol Hannah fan!


Could someone buy this girl a bowl with an even edge?

Judging time!! We open with an awesome shot of Mama Flinstone. LOL. This is the best part of the episode so far.

She's gonna beat someone with a rolling pin.

Overall, the judges are impressed with the designers. I have to agree. It may not have been the most exciting season ever, but it's the first one that no one was bad. We complain all the time that the show keeps on the wackos over the real talent, so this year they switched it up and we're still complaining. Now if they can just find talented people who aren't boring as hell,...we'll complain. The designers are brought out. The winner gets a spread in The Globe, a trip to Tijuana, money, and the love of Irina's mother.

Irina says that her line is all about shielding yourself. Kors says that they've seen it all before, but Flinstone thinks it was very coherent. Heidi loves it, and Nina loved the t-shirts. Kors thinks the amount of work that went into the collection was commendable, but he is all begrudging about it. Why all black? Nina chides her about not making anything that would look good in a magazine shoot, and Irina drops her fakey smile.

I'm sorry, did you not read the title of my collection?

Nina loved Carol Hannah's first look and compliments her workmanship. Heidi's favorite was the blue ribbon dress, and is impressed that that was the 13th look. Flinstone asks about the toilet brush dress, and Carol Hannah says that it's more of a showpiece than a let's go to dinner and maybe find a date kind of dress. Heidi thinks she was lacking in the cohesive line department, but Kors loved what she did.

Kors was happy that Althea did sportswear, and Nina loved the green cuz it was COOOLOOOOR! Heidi was into the silver, and Kors liked the parachute pants. Flinstone's fave was her knitwear, but doesn't get how that's futuristic. The person who invented tsunami bangs was told that they were just a fad maker, and here you are wearing them 59 years later, so there's your answer, wench! Althea says that her big shoulders referenced the future, and Irina gives a "she stole my shit" eye roll.

In alone time, Kors says that Carol Hannah's opening dress was amazing and Flinstone thinks her color was the most impressive. Kors and Nina agreed that she didn't go far enough with color, but give her credit for going further than the others. Nina looks generally disgusted with the world.

Nina thinks that Althea is very hip and she would shoot her clothes for her magazine. Kors thinks that it's all too mix and matchy, and Flinstone agrees and says that her pieces don't really lend themselves to runway shows. Heidi thinks Irina's clothes were well made and edgy. Kors agrees and says that her showmanship was great and everything kinda looked the same, which is the idea of a collection. It is? Really? The same thing over and over again? Come on now. Heidi wanted more color, but Kors thinks the t-shirts lightened it all up. Althea is having a stress breakout backstage, poor thing.

I'm still thinking about pizza. Get out of my head!

The designers are called back out. Irina was very detailed, but her lack of color was disappointing. Althea is modern, but not as futuristic as she tried to be. Carol Hannah worked best with color, but it lacked cohesion. Carol Hannah's name is called. Big long pause. Irina looks like she's gonna throw acid in her face.

Someone sew that mouth up while it's in the perfect position.

Carol Hannah is super sweet and blah-y about it. Irina wins!! WTF?!?! COME OOOONNNN!! She won with a fucking collection of black tights and jackets? BS! Well, at least her mom will still love her. Her dad comes in and he's crying! Then he offers Kors a fleet of goats to marry his daughter. What. EVER. Irina breaks down, and then it just gets to be all too much for her. She unhinges her jaw like a python and swallows herself whole, disappearing into thin air.

You bastards!

The DVR cut Irina off in the middle of her acceptance segment, which was the sweetest thing it's ever done for me.

Guys, thanks so much for being with us this season! It has been a really great time to laugh with you and read your comments every week. I would get all teary, but I don't want to be a pussy like Irina's dad, and also, I think season 7 starts, like, tomorrow. So until then! THANKS AND LOVE!

Welcome back to Amazing Race everyone! The leg begins where we left off - Stockholm! Phil reminds us it's the birthplace of ABBA. OMG if they had an ABBA challenge that'd be AWESOME! Team BroMos would nail it.

Team Trotters gets to the ferry building and discover that the earliest ferry doesn't leave until late afternoon - almost 12 hours later! Yikes. There's gonna be alot of solitaire playing during this leg. They're pissed too since it kills their lead.

Next up, Team Master Race heads out and Cheynne comments about pulling over and letting Meghan "work her magic". Does this man have no decency? I DECLARE!

Meghan comments that they had some "difficulties" on the last leg. HAHAHAHA. Yes. Difficulties = my boyfriend's a lame ass.

Team Oreo heads out and comments that they're not concerned with never finishing first since Ms. America won the big title that way. Yes. Now, did the pageant also consist of 2 over-achieving bro-mo's and 2 over-grown giants? Cause if not, you're screwed.

Question: If you were driving along and a frantic dude with a girl in the back and a guy with a video camera in the front pulled up and asked you to pull over. Would you? If yes, ARE YOU INSANE?!

Team Bromos then heads off...

Who the F is this dude? Has it been like 6 days that they've been at the pit stop?!

The brothers decide that they're no longer going to argue. So the producers take them both aside and tell them the other one called them fat. Aaaaaaand GO!

Team Oreo arrives at the Ferry building to find Team Trotter's shoes outside their car...

"Now begone! Before someone drops a Mercedes on you too!"

Team Master Race then arrives to the dismay of everyone else. Everyone's PISSED that the next ferry isn't until 5pm. I'd be PSYCHED! "Let's enjoy the city and booze it up in.... wait... WTF ARE WE?"

Team Farm Boys, the last team to leave, takes off and starts the last leg of the race that I'm sure they'll ever be on.

Team Trotters takes a moment to reflect on how awful the brothers were to each other during the hay challenge. Team BroMos take a moment to say they should win and Team Trotters should lose. Feel that, Pa? A storm's a brewin'!

Teams finally board the ferry (there was nothing of interested that happened for like 8 hours?! Naked Twister?! Nothing?!) They're all excited because it's a 16 hour trip and they each get rooms to rest in.

FERRY?! They're on a friggin' Norwegian Cruise Liner!

Matt tells us that he's wearing the black head band to let other teams know he means business...

You know what would also help? If you wore your balls instead and stopped making Grandpa do everything.

The doors open on the ferry the next day and teams race out a long walkway. They all jump in taxis and start yelling at their drivers to hurry. I look forward to hearing what "Chill the fuck out." in Estonian sounds like.

Team Master Race arrives at the secret society first with Team BroMos right behind them. They all see the speed bump with the faces of Team Farm Boys on it. Poor guys. So screwed. Everyone starts frantically sticking keys in the hole to find the right one. It's like a bad 70's party where no one gets laid.

One of the keys work and Team Master Race and Team BroMos quickly slip in a slam the door shut in Team Oreo's face as they arrive. OH HELL NO! No one does that to Ms. America!

Teams inside then find out that it's a Road Block: solve a secret message of the ancient brotherhood of the black heads. They get a key to a room to a guy with a scroll and a message and.... zzzzzz..... fuck it. Good luck everyone!

Seriously? Any minute their mothers are gonna show up to bring them to chess practice followed by a Dungeons and Dragons tournament.

Teams reach the main room and find their candles with the room keys attached...

"I am the living (brain) dead! Ahhhhh!"

Team Oreo is still trying to key open the door while Team Farm Boys arrives and finds their speed bump. They must ride on... A SAUNA BUS! WHAT?!

Did anyone see this before you knew what it was and think, "WTF IS THAT GUY DOING?!"

So for this task they must ride on a Sauna Bus for 5 minutes with these people...

I feel like they should both be wearing tops. Are they twins or is it that one looks mannish and the other has moobs? Ick. That bus is gonna smell like borscht.

While Team Farm Boys go look for the bus, Master Race and BroMos search all over the secret club for their rooms. Outside, Team Oreo finds the right key and Team Trotters arrives just in time to take advantage of them opening the door! Sneaky!

Thank God Trotters choose "Flight Time" to solve the mystery. Can you imagine the one who couldn't figure out the watch clue solving a mystery. Unless it's the mystery of "the short hand's faster than the long hand" he's of no use.

"I bet Chester Copperpot never made it this far!"

Back outside, Team Farm Boys finds the Sauna Bus, hops on and strips down!

You know who I'd hate to be? The editor that had to blur out his hairy crack.

Gee. I wonder why these two just LIT up in the "sow-na"?

So far no one's found their room inside the building. But then Flight Time catches a break and finds his.

Then he takes his clue and promptly destroys it. Yikes.

Cheyenne finds his room and his clue and gets the smart idea to use the candle to read the clue.

Back on the Sauna Bus, Matt is trying to keep from getting arrested...

"Down boy! Down! Think of dead puppies! Oh no oh no oh no!"

Luckily his Dad ruins the moment by muttering phrases from an Estonian song about saunas. I'm pretty sure he's just having a stroke.

Back inside the building...

"And now that I've successfully colored over the clue... I shall set fire to it." Genius!

However, Cheyenne and Ms. America quickly see the clue after holding the paper up to the heat of the candle. "Pik Herman Tower Garden".

Team Farm Boys arrive to the building, find the right key and quickly fuck themselves over by choosing Matt for the task. Why would I say that?!

"Candle-a-bra. What's a candle-a-bra?!" Oh dear lord. Is that bandana holding your brains in?

Up inside the building, BroMo finally sees the clue and takes off to find it with his life partner-- damn it - brother. Sorry. And FINALLY, after waiving a candle over it enough times to eternally bless it, Flight Time sees the clue and they head out too.

Fixed it.

After repeating "candle-a-bra" a million times, Matt finally sees the candle on the table. He's tearing through this one!

Meanwhile Master Race and Team Oreo find the clue box at the Tower Garden and discover a Detour: Serve or Sling.

This is straight out of my dreams if the boys are serving ice cream and the girls... well the girls just leave.

For serve, teams must slog in the bog to score 5 points against an Estonian team. In Sling...

They have to feed this guy French fried potaters.

Team Oreo and Master Race both choose "serve". Both teams run for taxies and Brian gives a taxi up to Team Master Race which sends Ms. America on a rampage. I don't know if it was his to give away - but it's definitely that time in the race to stop being nice. And by that i mean... "DESTROY!!!" She even mentions that she's gonna have to get "dirty" because he won't. In pageant-speak that means that she has flipped the "murder" switch and we'll also be seeing her in Playboy soon.

At least they don't have to worry about the Farm Boys. Matt's now rubbing the clue and failing miserable at reading it. Poor kid. Hope this show's not his only way out of Minnesota. Perhaps he can get a job as Perez Hilton's colorist.

Team BroMos are still looking for the (in their words) "Pik Herman Toover Garden". Love it. They've nailed the accent, yah?! They better hurry - Farm Boys finally finished and are looking for it too.

Team Trotters reach the clue box and decide to "Serve".

Uh... I'm guessing once you hit that marsh you're gonna be about 3 feet tall. So good luck with that.

Team BroMos are right there with them - racing for a taxi but they find one first and try to get the current passenger out...

"Sure ya can! Just get out for a second and I'll show ya. Come on... just step out... aaaand..." (sound of car tires screeching and running over Estonian cripple).

Just as Team BroMos run up to the taxi behind this one, Team Trotters goes for it as well! Team BroMos bullshits that the other taxi called for them (UH NO - that guy MIGHT'VE still be dialing) and Team Trotters just decides they're all hopping in together.

And the award for "Most Awkward Cab Ride Ever" on a reality show goes to...

Team Farm Boys arrive at the Tower - but on the opposite side. They're running so much and heaving and panting that I'm almost positive one of them is just gonna drop. Dad because he's older, Matt because he's made mostly of sausage and crumb buns.

On the way to the detour, Master Race and Team Oreo read the description which states they can play in their underwear.

"And now can you show us your "O" faces? Yup. That's what we imagined."

As opposed to her other, "meaty thongs" and "chain-link thongs".

Team Trotters and Team BroMos continue to make an awkward situation worse by having their "confessional" talks to the camera WHILE THEY'RE STILL RIDING TOGETHER! Holy shit. I'm sure the camera guy's loving it. I'm surprised he didn't say, "Ok - now your thoughts on gay marriage... go!"

Back at the tower, Team Farm Boys is racing around in circles and run right by the clue box. It's kind of funny because the more and more stressed they get the more they sound like characters from "Fargo".

"We think we're gonna barf." A match made in Fargo.

They finally find their clue and are the only team to choose "Sling". Once inside their taxi, they have their driver call Master Race's driver to drive slow but he doesn't go for it. Remember last season when one team pretended to be an airline denying tickets on the phone to the other team? Priceless.

Team Master Race finally arrives at "Mud Volleyball" and chooses their opponents:

Yeah, I'm sure the guy with 52 abs is AWFUL at sports. Good call.

Meghan then steps about 4 feet down into the mud and comments, "I don't know if this is really mud." That'd be so awesome if after they left, they drove right by the neighboring sewage plant.

Is there no situation that he won't model-pose in?! GET UP!

While the other teams are still on there way, Team Master Race really racks up the points playing mud ball.

And I think I know where Nintendo got the idea for all of the names of the evil Super Mario characters.

Finally, all other teams show up (minus Farm Boys) and wander around the paths trying to find the marked path to the volleyball. So far - not so good.

While the other teams get lost, Team Master wins their 5 points and gets their clue.

Cheyenne also finds out that the prize for this leg of the race is a personality.

Team Master Race gets the clue that tells them to go to the pit stop... "Keave Raba Overlook Tower". Phil tells us it "rises high above the vast marsh lands!"

Jeez Phil, It's like 10 feet high. Exaggerate much? I suppose you think everything is "bigger that average" , huh?

Team Master Race quickly finds it (because it's SO tall!) and checks in as team #1.... AGAIN. Phil says, "You know how there was that sauna bus?" And you can see Master Race's eyes LIGHT UP that they think they're winning it. And he continues, "Well you've won a red cedar sauna."

This was literally their reaction! LOL! "HUH? Wait... so NO bus, then?!"

The other teams finally find the path to the volleyball challenge while Team Farm Boys is miles behind talking about "cowboying" it up in order to win. These two have about as much cowboy in them as the cast of Glee.

Team BroMos and Team Trotters get to the "Serve" first and have different reactions. The Trotters comment that they hope their "good looks" and height intimidate the other players. You're in the middle of Estonia. I guaranteed they're intimidated. And I guaranteed they're happy they didn't bring their wallets.

Meanwhile, Team BroMos has their own revelation...

If I had a dime for every time I've heard this...

Since Team Oreo has to wait their turn, they decide to try the "Sling" challenge first. So they trudge through the mud and prepare to sling their berries. Until they reach the lady in charge...

To whom Ms. America says, "OH HELLLLL NO."

And back at the "Serve" challenge...

What is so "exciting"?! Is it the mud?! OMG. They're into scat. SICK.

SIDE NOTE: Has the one on the right been working out since the golf challenge?!?

The boys are all taking awhile to make points but there's no need to worry. Team Farm Boys is still way behind and when Matt hits that mud he's going straight through to China.

Team Trotters finally starts winning points while Team BroMos and their perma-boners are still trying to make 1 point. AND they're starting to argue again!

Meanwhile Ms. America shows us how she brained Ms Texas with a bikini top and a jar of nail polish.

Suddenly both boy teams finish and while Team Trotters runs in the wrong direction, Team BroMos takes a brief lead to the pit stop before the Trotters try to outrun them. Then at some point on the long walkway, Big Easy and Dan get into a scuffle and Big Easy busts his ass. OH SNAP! Let's get ready to RUUUMMMBLE!

I watched it on slo-mo like 5 times and still couldn't tell who was wrong. I do know, however, that there will be blood. Let's hope it doesn't involve a bowling pin.

Team BroMos check in 2nd with the Trotters at 3rd. I don't know what the big deal was - they clearly all know they weren't last. Five seconds wasn't going to make a difference. Ugh. BOYS.

Phil, OF COURSE, has to stir the pot and ask why everyone's so pissed. Team Trotters bascially says that now that they know "physical play" is allowed, they plan on beating the shit out of Team BroMos.

Which is totally shitty because this is the hottest Dan has looked. Just sayin'.

Back in the losers lounge, Team Farm boys is still running. We'll check back in with them when they get cut.

Team Oreo is still slinging away when Brian finally nails it and they race to the pit stop to finish 4th. I'm really happy that they were nice to each other this whole leg (except for the brief ass-chewing she gave him over being nice about the taxi).

Team Farm Boys finally arrives, completes the "Sling" challenge (after God knows how long) and checks in to get eliminated. They cry. We cry. Awwww...

More importantly...

Didn't this lady sound like Gizmo from "Gremlins"?

"Welcome to Estonia!"

That's it! This was a pretty good episode I think. I'm really looking forward to the next ones. It's gonna get rough and tough! What did everyone think?! About this and that? Love to hear it! Come on and dish it!

This Hills episode, an extra dose of FUCKING APESHIT. Broahday, Kristin and Jayde all schedule lunchley meet and greets and get all up in each others' businesses. And, HBUD STILL wants a baby, and will stop at NOTHING to get what her hormonal, surgery-laden 23 year old self wants. Plus, did I mention lots of lunch dates? Yeah, there are.

First off, Kristin and Broahday are at Grub, reminiscing about when they dated. That seems to be their preferred date activity, aside talking about Brody's science experiment of a mother.

Remember when I wore your Mom's clothes? That was the best day of my LIFE.

Then they talk some more about not fighting and old times and other irrelevant bullshit. Oh, and Broahday drinks from his big gay sippy straw cup.

yes, it IS noteworthy.

Kristin pops into the conversation the strange and amusing factoid that Jayde wants to sit down and talk to her over drinks or collagen injections. Hmmm..Broday doesn't think this is a good idea. REALLY? What could possibly go wrong, besides someone's plastic surgically de-hanced nose being bitch slapped into the next zip code?

Oh, and apparently Broahday and Jayde have been a-talkin' over serious matters like fighting and fucking (aka, the eternal struggle of man). They MIIIGHT be getting back together, eh? Sorry, K Dogg. Maybe the Broah-man has a friend who isn't such a playboy centerfold-fucking douche. Or, hey, what about a normal dude? Just sayin.'

OH MAN, then HBUD goes back to that hack psychotherapist's office that her and Spencey went to before they were married, you know, to combat the Stacie issue. What? The therapist looks like the villain/sister from so I married an axe murderer.

Uh, how much did they pay her to figure out the mind of the Pratt couple? It must be a lot of money, because figuring them out is a lot like putting a stamp on an envelope, only the evelope is republican and has had a lot of plastic surgery. Or, figuring Spence and HBUD is like...making eggs. Only the eggs are aryan and constantly seeing monetary opportunity in others' strife.

Well, GEEZ! I WISH I was licensed in California! (giggle)

Christ, all aboard the crazy train.

SOOOO- HBUD wants to have kids sooner (like in the next week and a half) rather than later (like, not like when she's an old lady at 24, GROSS!). BUT, HBUD has been told Spencer doesn't want kids ever. But like, she thinks he wants kids in the deepest parts of his Christian, republican heart even though he like, totally is saying no. And like, isnt' taking it back or being like, "April Fools!"

Uh-

Because, you know, if you like ask any 25 year old on a reality tv show who wears man-jewelery if they want kids, they'll like, totally say no, right? which is what I think means yes, in like, husband-speak. Right?

Errg...

The therapist who is clearly confused/disgusted/made dumber by having HBUD in the room tries to get a word in about being on the same page about things before getting hitched.

HBUD retorts, YEAH, but We're married. SO....we're here. Nice.

Give me answers that involve going off birth control or I will CUT YOU.

then HBUD reveals her, like, master plan: GO OFF HER BIRTH CONTROL, HAVE THE BABY, and see what her fucking HUSBAND DOES. Uhhh...sooo....?

Um.

This bitch needs to tell HBUD that she's been eating loads of CRAZY JUICE and needs to not be such a babycrazed, deceitful psycho. But you know, this is television. And what happens on television? People being assholes or people being spineless. And people saying polite things instead of force-feeding other people their birth control.

HBUD want baby. HBUD no understand.

Man, therapists. All about feelings. They never make you do shit.

At the big gay bar somewhere in Hollywood, Gremlin, that sorta cute friend and Broahday are all talking about Broahday's looove triangle. Everyone likes Kristin more than Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, probably because she looks way less like a sea monkey who got punched in the face by the big boob monster.

More rehash rehash rehash about events we already heard about. Bo-ring.

But then- it's a clash of bitches at Citizen Smith. Beware, Fetal Alcohol. Kristin's wily intellect is really no match for yours.

Jayde no understand.

Kristin makes a pretty rational argument that Jayde was being a dumbass for coming up and starting a fight in the club- and nobody's top was even ripped off for publicity's sake. Geez, Jayde.

I didn't even get to show the paparazzi my Jessica Simpson impression, you bitch!

It's funny how Jayde's potato-face tries to feign emotion in scenes like this. In the ends, she just ends up touching her hair and talking slower than usual.

Kristin exits with class by calling Jayde a bitch, which is true. But come on, the motto of the hills isn't "truth," but let's act however we want because we are C list celebrities. Am I right?

Troll and Kristin have...uh, another lunch of some kind elsewhere. Wow, eyeliner is fascinating, but let's get down to business. Right? And by business I mean OUR business, GOSSIP.

Yay, what I do best.

Ugh, this season is Slo-o-ooow. I mean, it's just a rehashing of the fight we JUST saw, only with a troll involved. I DO like that LO called Jayde an "animal," which she is. I mean, I totally saw fecal matter and peanut mash on her dress. Also, she takes a horse trailer home for thanksgiving. ANIMAL!

In ANOTHER one of these never-ending lunches on Melrose avenue, Blah Dead McTanny and Crazypants Wantsababy have another lunchey-lunchey time.

After Blah Dead tanny talking about how justin is a total Jerk (newsflash) then HBUD let it be known that some kid she likes to babysit told her her husband wanted to have a vasectomy and went to the doctor to get 'er done. The BEST part about this conversation is HBUD's unfamiliarity with the word "vasectomy."

Vocab quiz next episode. Study up!

Then HBUD tells Tanny her MASTER PLAN of Stopping her birth control and MAKING SPencer have Aryan kids to dumb down/repopulate the earth. Okay, BLAH DEAD. Do me proud and call this bitch OUT!

Uhh...hehehehe.

Um, really? Only giggles to end this scene? No Shotguns? Man, Monamonzano never gets what she wants.

Then, Broahday and Jayde ass-animal-pants meet up. And hilariously, Jayde looks especially messed up/plastic surgeried. I love how my one big kick of this show is making fun of the characters' fake extremities. It's the only happiness I have...

Just call me semen-hair plastic face. Heh.

There are a lot of shut-ups in the conversation and a lot of mocking Jayde the idiot. Okay, I'm digging it. She should totally be a debater. She almost made Broahday jump off a building with her asanine arguing! And THEN, they get back together!!???? in this world, apparently, people can fuck with each other like little babies and get back together or HAVE babies. Welcome to non-adulthood hollywood sleazeville, America.

At Phillipe's, which I thought was a famous LA sandwich shop (home of the french dip?) but turns out to be another douchey club, Kristin and Broahday chit-chat. And, it's totally going well.

Especially for Kristin, our resident hero/boy snatcher.

Broahday tells Kristin he wants back into Jayde's pussy. She's naturally pissed, but hides it with "I just want you to be happy." Suure.

In the den of lies, HBUD does it up with wine and a hoochie outfit. AND, get this...

THEY SAY GRACE.

AND

HBUD

THANKS

GOD

FOR

HER

OUTFIT.

Wow, if I have ever known a couple more ready to have a baby, the republican baby jesus can strike me dead.

Ulp?

Man, this dinner and this relationship are majorly fucked up. Spence is excited to get his humpy mchumperson on, but little does he know he's married a borderline retarded psychopath. Is it possible?

It is on the Hills!

Ah Spencer, for once, you remind me of middle america and its values.

Mmm, pasta, apologies and subservience.

And that's it, folks. Pray for me.

Because next time? Vegas, more pregnancy deception, and more moral and social ambiguety. FUNCAKES!

West Bev. Naomi finds Navid, where else but in the Blaze Staff Room. She's there to join and save Navid's "little news broadcast thingie". How, Navid doesn't ask? With a sex advice segment called "Clark After Dark". Aww, shout out. But seriously folks, she's really there to help herself to some extra-curriculars for her CU application.

After some resistance, Navid agrees to let her join sans segment. If she's serious about joining he tells her to help unpack the new equipment that's coming in tomorrow. Navid moves onto some important exposition. He tells Naomi about Borianna's anti-climactic return to drugs.

We cut to Borianna denying said drug use. Naomi wonders why Navid would say it. Borianna doesn't know but it's possible that it's true Navid is upset that she moved on. Naomi wants to believe her but Borianna doesn't have a great track record with drugs and the truth. She assures Naomi that she's not using. Besides, she remembers what Borianna was like when she was on coke. Is she acting that way now? Ooh, she's good.

Hospital. Kelly arrives. Silver tells her the paramedics said Jackie was in cardiac arrest but they were able to get her heart beating again in the ambulance. The doctor finally comes out to tell them Jackie had a cardiac arrest (we know!) but, because of chemo, she's too weak to make it past this episode, err, I mean much longer. Despite that, Kelly's still to much of a selfish bitch to go see her dying mother...on her death bed. Dying. Of cancer.

Casa Wilson. Dixon continues to be a mopey bitch this week. Conversely, sex with Jazz-Hands has done wonders for Annie's bitchitude. She delightfully tells Harry and Becky about Jazz-Hands. "He's a filmmaker, but more like a genius." Given her recent track record, Harry will check his transcripts to verify her assessment, nonetheless. They plan a little getting to know the boyfriend meal for the next night. Then, in what I'm positive is a shout out, Annie tells us it's Friday.

Annie runs up to her room where Jazz is zipping up his pants. She tells him about dinner and then they kiss. Becky knocks on the door to ask Annie what she thinks Jazz would want for dinner. She can't wait to meet him. Jazz jokes about whether he should climb through the window or use the front door. Then they kiss. Damn you show. Damn you to hell!

West Bev. Dixon tells the gangs (minus Simi) about his brilliant plan to get back at Jen. They could use Straw-Hat's mom's recording studio to record Straw-Hat saying the exact same thing Jen said. Then DJ Mr. Big Dix (shudder) will "mix it down" to make it sound like Jen. Did I miss the part where they talk about how Dixon was a crack baby?

Navid bribes the gang (still minus Simi) with In-N-Out burgers to help him with all this equipment West Bev seems to be getting. Recession?! Hello! Dixon stops when he sees Annie and Jazz-Hands. He mentions to Navid that Annie's been spending a lot of time with "that freak". Navid tells him, and apparently anyone who'll listen, that Jazz is a drug dealer. How about telling Harry? Or a cop? Or someone that can actually do something to STOP him from selling drugs? No? Alright.

We cut to Naomi practicing her "Clark After Dark" segment in Jamie's dorm room. It seems to be an age appropriate segment on how to make a woman reach ecstasy. Ahh, high school juniors. So young. So innocent. Jamie pretends to be a caller and tells Naomi that he's dating a wonderful girl that he wants to do filthy, terrible things to. She then proceeds to climb on top of him and swallow his jaw.

This would really be a bad time for Richard and his mom to walk in. Ack. Spoke too soon. Richard and his mom walk in. Jamie introduces Naomi to Dean Carter who remembers her as the girl Richard was supposed to take to the party. "And now you're with Jamie. Classy." Meee-ow, Dean Carter.

Across town, Matthews and Jen get all gussied up for some black tie benefit dinner...OK, Gasmii, I can't do this. You know how I feel about these two and their boring, drawn-out, tedious, just won't die already storyline. I'm just gonna give you the gist of all their scenes. Here it goes: Matthews is tired of only doing the foo-foo snooty rich people shit Jen wants to do. So that weekend (which, thanks to Annie, I know is tomorrow) Matthews is going to take her camping. Great.

Back at CU. Jamie and Naomi eat Chinese as Naomi sulks. She's mad that Jamie didn't tell her Richard and his mom were going to stop by. He didn't know they were and why does she care what his mom thinks anyway? Naomi snaps that she's the "frikkin'" Dean of Admissions. Jamie, scholar athlete, figures out that she was using Richard to get to his mom. Naomi confesses that she was just trying to up her chances of getting into CU. She sees now that it was a huge mistake and asks if they can move on. Jamie wins my respect by putting Naomi in her place and dumping her ass. Hey, she may be the most entertaining character on the show but she's still a horrible person.

Guess what! It's Friday night and Navid is...drum roll please...at West Bev! That crazy kid. What will he do next? Borianna barges in to ask him why he told Naomi he was using. The cute camera guy takes that as his cue to leave. I've known you for two lines, cutie pie, but I'll miss you nevertheless. Borianna denies, denies, denies. Navid, though, isn't in the market for her brand of fertilizer. She was all mental when they broke up and now she's walking around like a drugged up zombie everything's OK. She figures it's because he really wasn't all that hard to get over. She realized that their relationship was based on her needing him, not love. She makes a series of stupid faces and leaves.

Bitch please. You took out your guitar, a pencil and paper and wrote him a song. You fucking serenaded him.

Matthews'. Jen shows up with all this shit you don't need to go camping. Not that I would know since I don't go camping. I pay rent in San Francisco. Why would I waste my money and deliberately sleep outside?

Kelly's. Kelly brings Silver some coffee. She thanks Kelly for letting her stay there and for always looking out for her. Silver thinks Kelly should say goodbye to Jackie. Kelly disagrees and claims to be OK with the fact that they don't have a relationship. It's different with her and Jackie. Kelly's got 20 more years of bad memories, of not being good enough. Silver tells her Jackie is different now. She's sober. And dying. Kelly says that sober Jackie wasn't that great. "When she was sober she would remember to give me my diet pills and make my nose job appointment. And remind me of what a colossal disappointment I was."

Record scratch.

Hold up. What alternate TV universe are these people living in? The nose job happened the summer before the Walshes moved to Beverly Hills. Before Jackie sobered up. And those diet pills? The ones you took your senior year after that spa worker told you you had problem areas? All you, Blondie. What, are you also going to blame Jackie for that one time you joined a cult or got burned in the fire or became a model and became addicted to coke?! Oh, and you were 16-17 when Silver was born, not 20. I hate this show. Fuck you, writers.

Yeah, so Kelly doesn't want to forgive Jackie. Or let her he-who-should-not-be-mentioned son see his dying grandmother.

CU. Naomi stops by Jamie's room to apologize to Richard. She tells him the real reason she dated him and lied about caring about the environment. She realizes how awful it was and would take it all back if she could. Something about the disgusted look on Richard's face tells me he's going to accept her apology.

Casa Wilson. The Wilson's, well, the natural born ones, get ready for dinner with Jazz-Hands. Annie hides a picture of her in pig-tails and tries to get Harry to lay off the lame jokes. Becky brings out dip and crudités. Shut up, Becky.

Dixon heads out to go help Navid. Becky and Harry ask him to stay for dinner and add that it's important to Annie. Dixon whatevers them and Annie asks him what his problem is. Dixon doesn't want to have dinner with Annie's "weirdo boyfriend". Annie counters that at least he's not some "40-year old psycho". Dixon responds that at least Toothy wasn't a drug dealer. Touché. The doorbell rings and Jazz-Hands get a warm welcome.

Campsite. Jen hates camping. Then it starts raining. Fascinating.

West Bev. The gang (again minus Simi) unpack all the expensive TV monitors and equipment. Somewhere in South Central LA, a music program is cut. Navid shares his brilliant plan to get back at Jen. It involves seducing Jen and getting her to say aloud what happened between her and Liam as Naomi listens. Liam thinks it's the worst plan yet and considers calling off the whole thing. His merry band of idiots don't think he should give up. They'll think of something good...eventually, I guess.

Casa Wilson. Awkwardness. Harry and Becky don't seem to be warming up to Jazz-Hands. Annie tells them about the movie they're making and how Jazz is a "genius". Seriously, that word has lost all meaning. Harry wonders what else Jazz does besides "filmmaking". Control and bone his daughter Not a whole lot. Who are Jazz's friends at West Bev? Just Annie. Rrright. This sets Annie off on a tirade about kids at West Bev and how they're sucky lemmings and whatnot. Becky thinks it's sour grapes and just because she had a falling out with her friends doesn't make all the kids bad. Annie freaks that they were never her friends. It takes Jazz-Hands' calm, creepy touch to calm her down. Yikes.

Harry and Becky leave to go check on dinner. Jazz feels like he's blowing it. She tells him it's nothing he did. Dixon told them about The Rumor. If I cared about Dixon anymore I would be fearing for his life right about now. Annie and Jazz head over to the dinner table and Jazz blurts out that he knows Harry and Becky think he's a drug dealer. He gives them the same old sob story about not fitting in and people talking behind his back.

How big can this school be or how bad a principal can Harry be that he doesn't know about Jazz stabbing someone!? He could at least remember him as the nephew of the homeless guy that was killed and left the school money. Jeez. Anyway, he asks them to give him a chance.

And now I realize how The Blaze is able to afford all that new equipment. Duh, Mones. Duh.

West Bev. Naomi shows up to help out and finds Liam alone, struggling with a box. He asks for help and she does, hurting his hand in the process.

As she's icing his hand, he tells her he would take back what happened if he could and that he thinks of it everyday. They look like they are about to have a moment when Navid comes in and, say it with me, ruins everything.

Hospital. Kelly calls Silver and leaves her a message wondering where she is. She waits for her outside Jackie's room. She looks in, you know cause she didn't want to see Jackie or anything, and sees that the room is empty. The cleaning lady wipes Jackie's name off the door and Kelly breaks down crying. FINALLY!

Campsite. It's raining. Matthews tells Jen that he doesn't enjoy all the things she does and that he only does them to spend time with her. He'll take her home when it stops raining. Fabulous.

Hospital. Silver finds Kelly crying in the hallway. Kelly tells her she was right about saying goodbye to Jackie. Now it's too late. Hold that thought, Kel. They actually moved Jackie to a private room. Heh. Good one, show.

Casa Wilson. Annie thanks Harry and Becky for listening to Jazz and giving him a second chance. Yeah, about that, Annie...they actually don't want you to see Jazz-Hands anymore. Annie wonders if it's about The Rumor. Partially, but also they think Jazz-Hands is kind of a freak. Becky's worried about the fact that he doesn't have any friends and that Annie is a different person around him. She's not a loner and an outcast. This elicits a passionate "you don't know me at all" from Annie.

I have a suggestion. Maybe Harry and Becky can grow a pair and stop letting their kids scream at them and disrespect them all the time. A couple back-hands to the face can do wonders.

Hospital. Kelly apologizes to Jackie for taking so long to see her. Jackie says she doesn't have to; she's the one that's sorry. She's been a terrible mother. Kelly didn't turn out the way Jackie expected. She's much better. Jackie's proud of the way Kelly raised her son Silver and how amazing she is. Choking back tears, Kelly tells her she forgives her. Jackie knew she had to hang on until Kelly got there and tells her that she loves her.

West Bev. Naomi finds Jamie waiting for her in the parking lot. He heard she apologized to Richard. He's impressed. Well then, I guess her work it done! He over-reacted and realizes it was a mistake. Now that she's apologized there's no reason for him to stay mad at the girl he's falling for. I guess Naomi's adopting this whole truth thing as a way of life cause she tells him she's still hung up on someone else. Jamie hopes, in vain, that he's worth it.

Across town, Anniet tells Jazz-meo that her parents don't want her seeing him. She's sure it's because they believed Navid. Otherwise they would have loved his creepy ass. Jazz tells that bitch to be cool, what's done is done. He promises her they'll figure something out. Perhaps a poorly planned fake suicide?

Borianna's. Our favorite little relapser studies away, her trusty bottle of pills by her side. Naomi barges in, without knocking I might add, to talk about boys and makeup and clothes! Borianna hides the pills with her hand and asks Naomi if she was raised in a barn can close the door. Unfortunately, Borianna's zombie pills have slowed down her super-spy ninja moves and Naomi sees her putting them in her purse. Naomi's not too impressed with her weak ass attempt at an apology and leaves. Borianna sees the error of her ways. She flushes the pills down the toilet and calls her sponsor.

Ha! Fooled you. She actually takes 2 horse pills with what you can barely call a sip of water.

Campsite. Jen started a fire and fixed the tent. She apologizes to Matthews and tells him about her husband and living off of Naomi. Matthews looks like he hasn't washed his hair in months. A shitty cover of "Wonderwall" plays in the background. Captivating.

Hospital. Silver and Kelly hold Jackie's hands as she takes her last breathe.

West Bev. Navid walks down the hall and gets pushed pushed against the wall by a lurking Jazz-Hands. He bounces off the wall and falls down the stairs. Was that Jazz's intention? We're not sure. We do know that Navid doesn't see Jazz-Hands face, but only his shiny black shoes.

Fin.

We're off next week for Thanksgiving! Whether or not you celebrate, hope you all have a great week and are able to take time to look back on the year and all the things you are thankful for. I'm thankful for being able to watch bad TV, write about it and share with you all! Oh and Cocoa Pebbles. Peace!

Wow. Fleshy.

Papi says it's not like Betty to go out on a work night but Betty says if Matt's moving on, she should too. "It's time for me to get back on the market," she says. In three seasons, her market has been like the Quickie Mart! Papi recommends the guy who does the bookkeeping for Archie. When you use the terms "guy" and "bookkeeping," you know you have a winner, just like the Mystery Date dud!

Hilda gives him the heave-ho. "When he gets nervous he does this sniffing thing. I don't think Betty wants a sniffer." I know, sounds like something you'd see on Intervention. Just then Justin pops into the kitchen and asks if Marc said when the cheerleading uniforms would be ready. Because why now?

"He said he'll bring them over on his way to work," she said. Because Queens is between Manhattan and Manhattan? "Thank God," Justin says. "Those hems have not been brought up since 2003, they might as well be cheering in burqas." Yes, just like woman who have to live under sheets their whole lives. Great comparison.

Papi is wondering what the hell Justin is doing ponying up to the cheerleaders and my question is why has it taken this long? Turns out Marc recommended that Justin become friends with the popular/mean girls if he wants to make it through high school. Then Justin says they need help decorating for homecoming. Music stops, looks are exchanged, all you hear is a heartbeat as Betty looks at Hilda and Hilda stares back angrily. Something is terribly, terribly wrong.

The look that kills sperm.

"Why do I feel like I should be hearing scary music?" Justin asks. Papi explains that Hilda doesn't have the best association with Homecoming. Because her boobs gave new meaning to "senior class float"? Turns out the year Hilda was nominated for homecoming queen, Papi didn't let her go because she was six months pregnant. Papi says he was protecting her and Hilda says he was ashamed. I'm going with the combo platter on this one.

For some reason, Betty and Hilda are walking by Justin's school later that morning because they must be living on their lottery winnings, and Hilda tells Betty she could have been queen there. "I could have ruled all of this," she says, talking about the campus...? Yes, that is quite a territory.

Suddenly, Hilda gasps. "Is that Bobby Talercio?" Turns out Hilda used to date Bobby and he was quite the bad boy/reputation saver. One time someone called Hilda a whore (shocking, I know), and he smashed the guy's head against the wall and made the guy apologize to Hilda. I bet it was a heartfelt apology.

Bobby is standing next to a student driver car when he sees Hilda. They embrace and kiss and yadda yadda. He looks at Betty and says, "Don't tell me this is little Chipmunk?" That was their nickname for Betty? I would have come up with a better one. How about Yeti Betty. That one still works now. Nerd? Dorkasaurus? Teacher's Pet? Apple Polisher? Hairy Bo-Bairy Betty? The list is endless, but Chipmunk? That just makes her sound...squeaky.

If a guy does this to you, he ain't bending you
over the seat of a Buick.

He says he can't stay to talk, he's got a lesson. Turns out his family owns a car dealership and he volunteers to teach driver's ed to help advertise the cars. Betty says she used to have a crush on him and Hilda's like no shit. Hilda says if it weren't for Betty hanging around them so much when they were dating, Bobby would have been Justin's father. I bet he had gay sperm too! All the tough guys do.

Betty says she had always wished she could have gone out with him and Hilda laughs her ass off. She tells Betty there's no way she could date a guy like Bobby because he's a bad boy and Betty's a good girl. Betty says she might surprise Hilda and Hilda says, "Please...Bobby smokes." Yeah, Betty'd be out.

Cheerleading outfits are in! Marc is helping Justin pass them out as Justin tells some girl that if the skirt didn't hit her in the right place, it could make her size 0 legs look chunky. He is SO becoming the editor of Mode when he grows up. Cheerleader says Justin "saved her life."

Suddenly a dumbass kid goes by and asks Justin where his skirt is and Justin ignores him. Marc's like, "Let's discuss." He tells Justin to get ahead of the jokes and make fun of himself so those "lumps of boys" have nowhere to take the joke. "When he asks where your skirt is, tell him it's at the cleaner's with your opera cape." Hmm. Not sure I'm on board with that joke, although I see where Marc is going.

Marc asks Cheerleader if there is anything else Justin can do for them. She says they need some routines and Marc volunteers Justin to help them. "He has the moves of a young, Mexican Beyonce," Marc says. Justin freaks but come on! You know you can do it Justin! You tried out for a New York musical.

Seriously, they should move to Massachusetts and make it legal.
Or can they now? I can't keep up.

Justin is worried because his moves were more junior high-related and this is homecoming, "the Broadway" of high school. No worries! Shocking as this may be, Marc was a cheerleader in college and he knows a few moves. Problem solved!

At the office - yes, Betty FINALLY makes it to work - Betty says, "So this water is from the Community of the Phoenix?" Uh, what? Oh, it's the cult that Daniel's about to join. Is Harry Potter their leader? No, wait - that's the Order of the Phoenix. Must be the British version of the cult. Anyhoodle...

Daniel, wearing a large, wooden bead necklace, says the water is full of vitamins and the cups have inspirational sayings on them. If they were a green organization, you'd be using your own cups, but maybe they think once you throw the cup away it rises from the recycling bin of ashes into another paper cup! Betty reads, "If it's a mess, it's a message." Man, my kitchen must really need to talk!

Talk about cleansing! They removed all signs of heterosexuality!

Daniel says that "the community" has really changed his life. Natalie has him on a raw food and Phoenix water diet, he's more energized, and he's happy. Betty thinks he needs more than that. "You want half of my muffin?" she asks. Wow, when she said she was back on the market, she meant it!

Daniel says once you cleanse yourself of toxins, you have so much clarity. Plus, you have to pee a lot and he excuses himself. TMI, Daniel. Claire walks by and asks Betty if she should be worried about Daniel. Ya think? First his wife dies then he sees you kissing Hartley? You should be worried about me, too, Claire!

Matt gives Betty her assignment for the "fearless" issue and it consists of horoscopes and cosmetics of the month. I don't even know where to begin in telling Matt that he's barking up the wrong astrologist. He tells her that once all the editors picked what they wanted to do, the only piece left was a POV piece - a personal story of fearlessness, and he gave it to someone who wasn't afraid of her shadow, mostly because she doesn't cast one - Meeeeeeeegan.

Matt calls Betty cautious and she's all like, no I'm not, look, no bangs, which I think proves Matt's point completely. He tells her to give him some pitches and something more dangerous than turning a story in without proofing. Come on, Marc, no one gets Mode for the articles, they get it for them purty pictures of waifs.

"I do not appreciate blackmail calls in the middle of a workday!" screams Wilhelmina. True, those are best kept to late evening, like telemarketers. "You will have the money when I get the money," she says.

Willie tells Marc to get on the phone and call Vogue, Elle, and Bazzar to tell them she is available for modeling. Why would competing magazines use her as a model, especially Elle? This made no sense. She says she's willing to do a cover. Oh, I'm sure those magazines will want you now.

Marc delicately tries to tell Willie that she's of a certain age and they probably won't use her, and she finally says they do wonders with airbrushing. You know who she should consider selling her story to is Us or People. They would pay tons for the rights to a full-out tell-all story about Willie's last couple of years, I bet. That would make more sense.

Daniel, still wearing his beads and drinking Phoenix water, is accosted by Betty asking him if he thinks she's fearless. "Well, no bangs, right?" he says. She says she wants people to think of her as fearless and drinking from the Phoenix well, she says, "How?" Daniel turns her cup towards her and the quote reads, "Do the thing you never do." Yeah, like wax.

Back over in Queens, Betty sees Bobby putting a "Student Driver" sign on a car. She calls his name and he says, "What's up Chipmunk?" Sexy! Betty says, "It's not Chipmunk, anymore, it's Betty." Well at least we got that cleared up! "And this bad girl wants to date you." Uh. What?

But wait! She's still standing on the sidewalk because that last scene only happened on TV. Oh, phew. Betty hustles across the street, trips and falls and Bobby catches her. Smooooth. She tells him she wants to ask him something. Chickening out, she asked if he could teach her how to drive. Doesn't she know how to drive? "Is that all you wanted? You seem a little nervous," he says.

Wait...is he from Menudo? You kids and your music these days.

She says, "Well, I also wanted this," and she shoves him against the car and tears her shirt off. Betty, even Hilda would know better than that! But once again we are faked out. Wah-waaaah.

Walking into the Casa de Food Stamps, Marc and Justin are all excited about that morning's cheerleading practice. "Honestly," Marc says, "It was though he was born to yell at girls." I worked for someone like that once! Hilda and Papi applaud them and I'm wondering why Hilda is dressed like a sexless librarian.

That thought is interrupted by Justin and Marc doing a routine together and I think that Marc may want to start playing with someone his own age. "That move put me on the map in college," Marc says. I'll bet. Justin is going to homecoming the next day and Hilda says, "Maybe this time I'll get to go," and she and Papi start that whole shame/protection argument again.

Synchronized bullfighting ain't going to make you more popular,
except maybe with Hemingway.

Marc looks at Justin and tells them he will be fine, because if anyone at school gives him crap, deep down he should know he's smarter and funnier. "It's just the truth," he says. Awww. Marc's a great dad.

Hilda is in the hallway and I have to ask, what is up with them having that huge rack of clothes in their living room all the time? At first I thought it was for Hilda's customers, but the rack is always full of clothes despite the fact that Hilda HAS NO CUSTOMERS. Do they not have a closet or basement or perhaps they could use the vestibule between their door and porch? I mean, help me out here people!

Hilda bitches that she thought being the girlfriend of the politician would be glamorous. Ah, apparently she's going somewhere with snoozefest Archie, that's why she dressed like a celibate monk. Or is that redundant? Papi is staring out the window and tells Hilda it's not Archie honking out front. Hilda looks and says, "What is Bobby Telercio doing here?"

Running down the stairs, Betty says Bobby's here to teach her how to drive. Hilda reminds her she already knows how to drive and Betty says she's learning how to drive stick. As a standard transmission girl myself, I applaud her for eschewing the automatic transmission. It only makes you lazy!

"Automatics are safer, mija," Papi says. Oh, blow me! You can control the car much better when you have a stick shift and I did not spend 10 years in Chicago zig-zagging out of traffic with an automatic. Besides, you're Mexican, the only thing you should be worried about is getting your horn to play "La Cucaracha!" Oh, I said it! Do not besmirch the name of the stick shift, Papi!

Betty says she's going to use it for her fearless article and Hilda says, "All the teachers in Queens and you pick Bobby?" Wouldn't you? He's a total bad-boy hottie. Much better than my tobacco-chewing driver's ed teacher. In one class (not mine), this teacher spit out his tobacco but the window was actually closed. Bobby wouldn't do that.

Papi doesn't like Bobby because he's a thug. "I'm sure he's the one who stole our baby Jesus." Well, maybe at the time Hilda just had Justin he thought there were too many babies at your house. Betty tells Hilda Archie is also outside, and Hilda looks outside, sees Hot Bobby leaning against a hot car smiling, then looks over and sees Archie in what I believe is a dream-sucking Taurus. Worst rental cars ever and I had no idea people bought those for their real lives.

Say hello to your boyfriend and goodbye to your orgasm! Ironic, isn't it?

Willie's on the phone with Marc thrilled that he's been able to secure her a cover. For which magazine, you ask? We cut over to Willie sitting in a chair as Claire says, "Hot Flash would be thrilled to have you on our cover." Marc should be fired! He should have known better than to even pitch this to Willie. For shame!

Claire says that when she heard Willie was interested, she did a mock-up of the cover. She shoves it towards Willie and it's a picture of her all gray and wrinkly. Do they really have so much time on their hands that they can use what I only imagine to be a pretty lean staff to make up fake magazine covers? No wonder this company is broke.

No wonder it's an insert, who the hell would pay for this?

Willie says if she does do this (Why? WHY would you even consider it?) she wants final approval on all photos and her "usual fee." Yikes! Claire says the fee is $500 and a liter of diet ginger ale. Really? Ginger ale? Claire says she ought to take it because where else is Willie going to find a magazine that will put "women of our age on the cover."

Willie gasps. "How can you even suggest we're near the same age?" she spats. Claire's like take it or leave it, beyotch. Oh, and Hot Flash is just an insert (is it? To what? Please don't tell me Mode, that would be the first thing I threw out after all the excess mail-in cards that come with every magazine). "So you might have staples in your face...OH! But you've had that before," Claire finishes. Oh, like you haven't, Claire?

Back in Queens, Betty is learning to drive while on company time. How do I get her job? "So this is for an article?" Bobby asks. Doubtful. Betty, do you have the other half of your muffin to offer Bobby since Daniel wasn't interested? Bobby says he can't believe she's grown up and a big shot at Mode when he still thinks of her in footie pajamas. Yeah, this ain't going anywhere no matter how hard Betty tries. Once a guy thinks of you in a footed sleeper, it's over.

Then Betty awkwardly says she wears regular nightgowns now. Betty, read my last sentence. It ain't happening! Betty starts telling him she's traveled, had her own apartment (HAD), and boyfriends. Then she says she just got out of a relationship with a sex addict. She may have left that last part off, but it might have scored her points. "So I'm back on the market," she says. Desperate!

She grinds the clutch - oh, Betty, say it ain't so - and he helps her shift but putting his hand on hers and helping her shift. "You don't want to grip it too hard, you want to gently ease it, guide it...where you want it to go." Jesus, where are the NBC censors now?

Subtle, guys.

Betty smiles at Bobby then manages to hit someone in the street. He's fine, just keep going. The walker says, "Watch what you're doing dumbass!" and Betty says she's sorry. Bobby tells her not to worry about it and that he'll be right back. He gets out of the car as this guy calls Betty four eyes, grabs him, slams his head against Betty's window and screams to this guy that he was jaywalking when there was a clearly marked crosswalk, and he was rude to Betty. The guy apologizes and Betty has to admit, she's turned on. As am I!

Back at Mode, Daniel walks into the lobby still wearing his beads, and asks Amanda what she's doing there on a Saturday. She says she's not there because the last two out of four Saturdays Matt's been there. Wow. Also, that dress is totally smashing her boobs. Ick. "But since you brought it up, do you see Matt and I as a couple?" I think it's "Matt and me" but that never sounds right, does it?

Quadraboob strikes again!

Daniel explains to Amanda that she can't force someone to have feelings for her. He says she tried that with him and instead, he kind of used her. "Thanks. I feel better," she says. "And at least I'll always have that cold sore." And Molly will have hers throughout eternity.

Daniel says he's not sure if it's the herbs of the fact he hasn't eaten in four days, but "I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time. I can see what's missing in your life." "Matt!" Amanda says. "Self-esteem," Daniel tells her. He tells her she should attend the workshops Daniel is having Mode host this weekend for the Phoenix cult. "You mean the dead people thing?" Only if you drink the Kool-Aid!

Don't open the door, Betty, it's a trap!

Betty pulls to a stop in front of her house and Bobby tells her she did pretty well, only hitting one pedestrian. She asks if he has big plans that night and he says he's just going to hang out at his uncle's bar and that she should join. Done and done! Until Betty walks into the house and finds out that Hilda completely sold her out to Bookkeeping Guy, dun-dun-dunnnnn. BG sniffs loudly. Hott.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I just joined the other team.

So, at dinner that night, Betty almost drowns herself in her tortilla soup because BG is just that interesting in his discussion of a squirrel stealing his carrots. Betty looks at her phone and says she's surprised at how late it is. Hilda's like it's 9pm what the hell? Betty says she wants to hit the hay, so she heads upstairs, stomps her feet on the stairs, grabs her jacket, and runs out the door. In her defense, she did have other plans. However, she should have just climbed out the window like Hilda probably always did.

She's giving him a look that says they've been bitterly married for years,
and they've just met. He's a keeper!

At Mode Natalie gets off the elevator in a terribly long and horizontally striped sweater as Amanda comes up behind Daniel and tells Natalie she's doing the weekend with them. "I'm going to get cured or whatever," she says. Phoenix Leader says, "Yes, Daniel brought a friend." Great, now he's recruiting for them!

Amanda says she's loving the whole thing except for the beads because of the way they frame her "chesticals." Then you should have reconsidered that dress. Natalie is more than pissed about Amanda joining and tells Leader, "I need him to get to level 5." Oh sweet crap, is that Kool-Aid with vodka?

Back at Willie's apartment, Not-Nico is screaming that they are running out of time and that they need to get the money. I'm riveted on Willie's awesome loungewear and wish I had the chesticals to pull something like that off! But I do have the hand to hold her martini, so I'll take what I can get. Willie tells her to chill.

Seriously, this caftan/martini ensemble rocks. I must get myself one.

"Why am I the only one freaking out?" Not-Nico asks. Willie says she took two of her "headache" pills which I'm guessing weren't OTC. Willie says there is one other option she could consider for the money. Say it's Connor! Say it's Connor! "Then do it!" Not-Nico says.

Willie explains that it would mean giving up everything - her career, her life in New York, everything. Well, everything is kind of in the shitter right now, so maybe sexing it up with Connor on a remote beach might not be such a bad option, Willie! Not-Nico asks what it is, and Willie says it's not what, it's who. "Connor Owens." YAY!

Back at Casa de Bad Girl, Betty sneaks into the house and Hilda flips on the light and asks how her night was. Betty says, uh, yeah, hello, I went out. Hilda's like, "Yeah, I got that," just as Bobby walks in the door to make sure Betty got in alright. "You look good, Hilda," he says. She's in a big robe with her hair tied back and she tries to act all modest. Bobby leaves.

For a split second, all of them consider a threesome.

Hilda gets all up in Betty's business about blowing off Bookkeeping Guy to go out with Hott Bobby and Betty's like well duh. Come on, you all ambushed her with a combo blind and double-date when she already had plans, so shove off a little.

Then Hilda says that Betty is not going to have fun with Hott Bobby, because "he is exactly the wrong kind of guy for you." Betty wants to know what makes BG the right guy, "He's boring and nerdy?" Well, kinda. Hilda says that BG has feelings and he heard her leave the house instead of really going upstairs. Well next time, he should ask the girl out on his own, try not springing a date on her where she cannot escape any more than your carrot-stealing squirrel thatswhatshesaid.

Betty does feel bad about hurting his feelings so Hilda says that since this guy is going to homecoming with them, Betty could go too. What is it about adults going back to high school for homecoming? Don't you have anything better to do with your time than relive your high school days? Oy, people, pick up a hobby or start traveling. I find TV to be an excellent time-suck.

Back at the lair, Willie tells Not-Nico the whole Connor-stealing money story, which had she not been living under a rock she probably would have already known. Not-Nico asks how much money there was and Willie tells her enough to pay off the detective and for them to live very well for the rest of their lives. Not-Nico pees herself a little. She wants to know how they find him if he could be anywhere. She says he has to find her - so you know she has to do something very public for him to know.

Not-Nico asks if she could give up everything and Willie says she's not sure. Not-Nico asks if Willie is still in love with Connor. Putting a hand on her mother's, Not-Nico says, "Then you have to do this for yourself, not me." Wow, she's good. The student has become the master.

The next day, Claire shows up at Willie's apartment and says she's intrigued by Willie's emergency meeting on a Sunday morning. Is that why she's wearing a detective outfit for Virginia Slims circa 1981? Willie says she wanted to give Claire plenty of time to find her replacement. "I quit," she says simply.

You've come a long way, baby.

Over in Queens, Betty pulls up the student driver car in front of her house bragging she didn't stall once. Bobby calls her fearless about driving a stick shift, and I'm going to have to call bullshit on that, but let's just roll with it. In the background, we can see Hilda, Archie, and BG coming out of the house. Betty sees them and sighs, saying she has a date with that guy.

"Which one?" Bobby asks. "The guy in the dad jeans," she says. Oh my God, they are dad jeans, just like mom jeans only built for a man who's lost HIS will to live. Bobby says it doesn't seem like she wants to go and she said hells no she doesn't, but he's a nice guy. Bobby suggests blowing them off and fearless Betty peels out and down the street. Hilda's pissed. And she looks like a hooker in that outfit. I'm sure if she just bent over and blew Bookkeeper, he'd be okay with the whole situation.

It's like the Addams Family 2009.

Back at Mode Natalie is walking away from the conference table totally pissed and Amanda says, "Okay kids, it's get real time. We just spent two hours with a fat chick telling us how to breathe." Yeah, I've had yoga classes like that. I can breathe at home, honey.

"You just have to give it time, right Natalie?" Daniel asks. Natalie snaps back, "Maybe it's just not for her and she goes home." Amanda says it's a good thing Natalie doesn't work at the welcome table. Natalie snaps again saying they've wasted half the weekend and tells Daniel they have to get to level 5. Daniel says they can do it another time. Rut-roh! Kink in the plans!

"What's level 5?" Amanda asks. "Is that where you touch each other's junk and call it a massage? I want to do it." Natalie yells, "NO IT'S NOT! Look, why is she even here?" Wow, the community is really stressing you out! "She's not even in our energy group!" Natalie says as Amanda snorts and says, "Did you just really say that?" Natalie walks away.

Looks like she skipped level 5 and went right into DEFCON 1.

Daniel tells Amanda that they take this stuff very seriously. I surprised he didn't tell her that she was being "glib." Amanda says that's what scares her. She says the vitamins and cleansing isn't just giving him back breath, "it's giving you bad judgment. Why can't you see that all this is crap." Wow, who knew she would be a cult interventionist!

She tells Daniel she knows he misses Molly and he says she has no idea what he's been going through, and then he tells her to leave. Be sure to give back the beads.

Back in Queens, Betty and Bobby are enjoying a jumbo-sized slurpee as she says she can't believe what she just did. Bobby says it sounded like that guy was all wrong for her and she says, duh, but everyone else thought he was perfect for her. He tells her not to let people put her in a box. He tells her she's pretty and smart and she can date anyone she wants. Way to open Pandora's box, Bobby!

Bobby tells her she needs to try his slurpee as Betty looks up and sees a cheerleader making a circle with her hand asking Betty if she's with Bobby. Betty eyebrows back maybe. I love non-verbals. Betty sets her slurpee down on his car, leans forward and says, "Look Bobby, here's how I see it." Uh-oh. "You get me, I get you. Let's make it work." She takes a sip of his slurpee - my eyes! Dream sequence! Dream sequence!

Ice cream sex headache! Ice cream sex? Awesome!

It was a dream sequence and instead we see Betty get an ice cream - or in this case - slurpee headache. "Ow!" She says and Bobby suggests putting her tongue on the roof of her mouth. How about a variation of that, Bobby? Bobby laughs at her.

Bobby says it's crazy seeing her after all these years and he says he can't remember why he and Hilda broke up. "Oh, I know, I went to jail," he said. They laugh because incarceration is funny.

He says he thinks about Hilda a lot, which, when coupled with footie nighties, is the double dance of death for Betty ever dating this guy. He asks if Hilda's seeing anyone. Yeah, Councilman Boring. She tells Bobby she needs to get to homecoming, and I'm wondering why it's on a Sunday afternoon. Odd.

Back at Mode, Daniel is sad but Leader comforts him. And look, Daniel did get her beads back. Leader says it's hard to let go of the people holding us back. He tells him that it's time for him to go to level 5. Daniel wants to know what that is. "It means you're reunited with Molly." This cannot be good. But would you kill off your followers? Nevermind, we all know the answer to that one.

"You mean in a spiritual, all-around me kind of way?" Daniel asks. "No, actually BE with her," Leader says. "Feel her, touch her..." Okay, totally creepy, but that's why they call them cults and not churches, right? Ahem.

Okay, but before I reach level 5, I want to renegotiate my marital contract
like Tom and Katie. How much will YOU give ME for getting pregnant?

Daniel says that all sounds crazy. Leader taunts him and says maybe you're right, maybe Amanda's right, and "you're free to leave" which I believe is the cult motto, isn't it? "But tonight, when you lay in bed, missing Molly, I hope you don't regret giving up the possibility of seeing her again." Take a Benadryl and it will be morning before you know it. Just ask every kid I've ever babysat for.

Homecoming! The bane of every high school students' existence. Running up to the school Betty asks Papi if Bookkeeper was upset. Papi says he thinks the guy was actually relieved. "He was worried he wasn't wearing enough layers." Sexy. "Archie drove him home." Good, they are both gone.

Papi says he's outside because he needed a few minutes away from Hilda. Then why isn't EVERYONE outside? Betty's like, I know, the whole ashamed of her thing, then Papi gets pissed and needs time away from Betty. Have you considered Mexico?

At Willie's lair, she is having a press conference (why would you voluntarily let the press into your nice home?). She says the fearless issue will be her last and she's going to pursue other options. Sitting close to her mother is Not-Nico who is texting with Jonathon..."Is she really going to do it?" he writes and she writes back "Baby we're gonna be rich!" Nice.

Willie! Watch out for the giant penis torpedo
aimed at your head!

Willie says the press has had a lot of fun at her expense. "You've called me the meaner Hitler, that I was completely bald and her wigs were made from orphan hair [Tibetan orphan hair, I bet], sleeping with everyone from Madonna to JFK, only one which is true." Heh. She asks that they quote her exactly as she says so she can reach her loverboy..."Wilhelmina Slater is leaving to pursue other options." That option? Connor Owens and his level 5 junk!

Back at homecoming, Bobby finds Betty in the hallway and tells her that he hears from some of the cheerleaders that the two of them are dating. Why is that bad boy hanging around cheerleaders? He asks if he should introduce Betty to his mother. She should say yes!

Betty instead goes all Betty and says that she didn't say they were dating but she did not NOT say they were dating...and she probably is not NOT licking frogs, either. Bobby's like, kids say stuff, don't worry about it and asks when their next lesson is. She says she doesn't want to do any more lessons because it wasn't about the driving, she just wanted to hang out with him.

She fesses up that she wanted to be the kind of girl who could date a guy like him. She tells him that she had the biggest crush on him when she was a kid and he says he knows. If it hadn't been for her, he would have been Justin's dad. Poor Justin.

Betty tells him that all she ever wanted was to kiss him in the hallway the way he kissed all his other girlfriends. He looks around, they're in a hallway, but Betty stupidly declines. Dumbass. The part ways, then Betty comes to her mismatched senses, runs up to him, and kisses him. There's your fearlessness! "That was sweet," he says, and reminds her not to let people put her in a box. Now they part ways satisfied.

I'm not going to lie, Adam Rodriguez is now an alternate on my List of 5.

Until Betty turns around and sees Hilda who gives her the stinkeye. Oops.

No, wait, that's just how she looks.

Back at Mode cult central, Leader is telling Daniel and Natalie that the tea recipe he's pouring them has powers to make them intermediaries between the real world and spiritual world. They'll be zombies? They'll have to run over to The New Yorker if they want any brains for dinner; you won't find those anywhere at Mode. Natalie needs a squeeze of lemon in hers. That should make death more palatable. They drink! Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that they are going to sleep together pretending the other is their dead lover? Gross.

Something's wrong with this Red Bull.

Hilda pisses at Betty to go kiss Bobby in the hallway. "I guess that's who you are now," she says. Betty says no, she'll always be what Hilda wants her to be, "Your less attractive, less cool, geeky little sister. You don't have to be jealous." Oh no she didn't. Hilda's like what the hell? She tells Hilda that she may have kissed Bobby, but all he ever talks about is Hilda. Hilda looks at Betty and says she's going to go inside the gym.

Marc comes up behind Betty and says, "I'm sensing tension between the sisters Suarez." Is that the backup group for Sister Sledge? One of the cheerleaders comes out and Marc asks why she isn't practicing then spews out all this cheerleader garble that only my nieces could understand.

"I feel bad about Justin," Cheerleader says. "I really like him, it wasn't my idea." Uh oh! Something bad is going to happen in the gym? Everyone run, Carrie will kill you all, she'll kill you all! But you all deserve it, so take your seats.

In the gym, they announce the homecoming king and everyone cheers. Betty runs to the row where Hilda, Justin, and Papi are sitting and she whispers something to Hilda. They all get up to go and Justin doesn't know why. Betty says she'll explain later and let's get the hell out of Dodge right now.

"And this year's homecoming queen..." says the punk-ass teenage announcer, and we all know where this is going, says, "Justin Suarez!" Now don't they have a teacher or administrator advisor on the homecoming committee? Our school watched over us like hawks, so I can't imagine something like this getting through the system without an adult putting a stop to it.

Justin turns around as everyone begins to laugh. "I'm going to sue this school," Hilda says. Yes, they should probably get out their pocketbooks. Papi and Hilda try to get him to leave, but Justin walks up to the stage to cat-calls. Someone whistles. Stupid school.

Teenagers & Tiaras: Tinseltown Tragedy. Am I right?

Justin gets onstage and takes the tiara and flowers, and I am so please to announce that I have now been able to combine my two recaps, Toddlers & Tiaras and Ugly Betty! It's now Ugly Toddlers & Tiaras. Justin says he's thrilled to accept this award and that "nothing could ruin this day." In the back, Marc smiles. "Even this tacky baby's breath. I think you can do a little bit better for your queen." I love baby's breath no matter how much people joke about it!

"I'd say off with your heads, but for some of you that might not matter," he jokes. People laugh. "As much as I hate giving up an accessory, there is someone who deserves this more than I do. My mom." Awww. He says she's an amazing person and should have gotten this 15 years ago (oh 15 years my ASS), but it was sort of his fault that she didn't.

He continues to say she's been with him every step of the way, which is pretty hard since he's such a high maintenance kid. He's got us there! "Thank you," he says to her. Tears all around. Applause from the normal people. She takes the flowers. Take the tiara! TAKE THE TIARA, DUH! He puts the tiara on her head and all is right with the world.

Back at home, Hilda says that what Justin did took guts. Hilda says she loves Justin no matter who he is, so no matter what those kids are saying - but Justin cuts her off. "Mom, it's a joke. I'm just playing along. I'm not gay." WHAT THE HELL? He walks off. Marc looks at Hilda and says, "Then he's not." Hilda looks after Justin and we leave it there. Oh hell to the no did that just happen.

Later that night, Betty is in bed with a t-shirt on, not a big-girl nightgown like she told Bobby. LIAR! Hilda pops her head in and says she can't sleep and Betty says she can't either. Hilda pops in bed with her and the sisters have a nice talk. She says she's pitching Hilda for her fearless feature. Enjoy having your article cut.

What a nice sisterly moment for the two of - Is that a Pottery Barn quilt?

Back at Mode on Monday morning, someone is telling Claire, "Given the situation, it's going to be a lot harder to track the stolen money." Oh no, did Daniel and his spiritual intermediaries steal from Mode too? They have the worst finance department! Is the password to every Mode bank account "PASSWORD"?

Willie says, "What's going on?" and Claire says, "It's about Connor Owens." Oh no. "They found his body washed up on a beach in Panama. He's dead." Willie is stunned. "I'm so sorry, Wilhelmina." Willie thanks Claire for telling her.

Willie walks into her office, closes the door and starts crying. I'm assuming she covers her face with her hand because the Botox doesn't allow her to really show her forehead wrinkled with sadness. I do feel bad for her - she did love him and now she's unemployed with a murderous daughter, just like everyone else.

I'm fabulous, but my life is a shambles! Crap!

HOWEVER...I'm guessing one of two things...Connor isn't dead, he got Willie's message and just did that to further cover his ass, or even better, he left all of his money to Wilhelmina and there's going to be a new sheriff in town. The only thing now is for Willie to find out Not-Nico betrayed her...then she'll be drinking the Kool-Aid with Daniel to drown her grief as well.

Looks like Betty's off this week according to my DVR listings, so have a great Thanksgiving and see you in December!

We first meet Joy, a stylist with 17 years of experience. Mostly in retirement communities???

Joy has the hair of an alcoholic 1950's housewife and the intellectual capacity and grace of a junkyard dog. She's smacking her gum while conducting a client's service and the camera pans down to reveal that Joyless is also wearing a outfit only fit for Dr. Frankenfurter's Jeff Spicoli costume -- fishnets and cut offs. Would you not run if this woman was your stylist?

So Joy is employeed to cater to the up-scale Transylvanian raver crowd... what other gems are in the rough of the Allure salon?

Alex is a new stylist with one year of experience in the salon. He has taken on the role of Allure Salon's Agador Spartacus and does more dancing than work.

1996:

2009:

In conjunction with being the salon spectacle, Alex is also Allure's passive aggressive bouncer. In surveillance footage, we see a woman come in to ask for a price and is instead given the cold shoulder by Alex who never fetches Pablo to provide a quote for the plump patron.

Then we're back to Joy who is about to have a COPS-style fit because she thinks her client was undercharged. So she screams. At the owner. In the middle of the salon. And he takes it.

We're then treated to more footage of Pablo being ordered around the salon. If this were high school, Pablo would be the JV equipment manager, not the team captain. He fetches robes and mixes color and scuttles about staring at his feet and trying not to anger the hyenas he employs.

TCoif is not happy to see this young manager taking so much abuse (especially when it's not at her hands) and is ready to take over.

During "The Takeover" Tabatha addresses the staff and Alex is already wetting his faux-Armani boxer briefs. She will rule for a week and by the time the week's over, some of the staff may be unemployed. Time to addresses the staff...

Joy wants a high end clientele, but looks like all she can attract is cockroaches. Tabatha sets her eyes on her immediately and chastises her for the gum, the clothes and the 'tude.

Alex blew off a client and cost the salon money. Tabatha points out that clients = money. Alex is almost receptive to the criticism, or so we're led to believe, until Alex takes to confessional about to review Tabatha...

Time for the tour. Tabatha says the décor of the salon reminds her of Miami Vice. It's a little outdated. I wouldn't say it's terrible. It could use a fresh coat of paint, but as long as Joy remains the major eye sore of Dade county I wouldn't worry about the wall color scaring away clients.

It's also a little dirty. The retail section is dirty, stations are dirty and the break room is dirty. Since none of Allure's employees seem willing to act as a stylist, I don't see why any would volunteer for maid service.

Tabatha's ready to send all the staff home and reminds them that tomorrow will be the staff meeting, apparently the first staff meeting in 7 months. I can't see the benefit to gathering these people together... unless it was for psychological testing.

Tabatha gets in a couple digs at Joy's clothes and reminds them to dress appropriately for work the next day. So Jaunty Joy shows up the next day looking like (as TCoif puts it)a "Disco Mermaid." Thank you Tabatha. I was going to say lizard club wear, but yours is better.

At the staff meeting the employees of Allure continue to gripe about not being led and not respecting Pablo because he doesn't lead and not allowing him to lead because they don't have respect for him. Obviously these people skipped the philosophy requirement in beauty school and aren't bothered my this failed logic... I guess debates of Renaissance humanism aren't as common as conflicts such as, "who left their flask in the crapper?"

Speaking of break through schools of thought, Tabatha whips out the daily specials sign that Pablo has used to decorated the outside of the door of Allure salon. Apparently Pablo discounts services as a way of bringing in new clients. It works for Wal-Mart but it hasn't been working for Allure. Like anything could make this group look cheaper and less appealing than a Tacos, Tacos, Tacos special by Terry.

Tabatha has had about enough and sends the staff to clean their stations which immediately leads to a fight started by who knows about who cares. All the stylists get involved, nothing gets resolved and Pablo is not surprised to find them about to rip each other apart easier than the seams of Joy's Reynolds Wrap pants.

The fight is finally quelled by the appearance of Pablo and his best school boy attire. So not only has he never picked up a comb or bothered with a copy of "What Color is your Parachute," Pablo is also dresses like he will yield to anyone with the authority of a hall monitor.

Tabatha's models arrive and all the stylists get to work as Tabatha makes the rounds to assess. Joy talks over her client and doesn't allow her to enough time to express what she wants. Joy interupts her and starts yammering about a straightening service. Partially because Tabatha must agree that Joy should not be trusted with anything more potent that VO5, she stops her tirade and encourages her to listen to her client.

Irina meets with her model and after her client conveys what she would like to see, Irina kinda leans toward her and tell her that if she wants to pull off that hairstyle, she going to have to "make an effort."

Seriously, is this chick real, or his Alexis Arquette getting into character for a Beauty Shop spinoff? Post-Op Shop maybe?

During Alex's consultation he tells his client that the new cut will "not make her look so drained" BAH hahahaha... It's like they've never had interaction with a client before. Or a person before. 0-3. Damn.

Tabatha returns to Joy who has moved on to applying color to her client's hair. And by "applying" I mean she is slopping it with less precision than a 3 year-old with finger paint. She's adding foils to her client's head and Tabatha can see that she's not administering a precise application.

The foils seem to be repelled by this woman's scalp... even without her crystal ball Tabatha can see that this will lead to problems with the color.

Joy claims she's a professional, she's not "just out of beauty school... she knows what's she's doing." Whenever anyone says they "know what they're doing" I expect some small explosion to light up behind them. Maybe I spend too much time watching 1980's action films, but I wouldn't put it past this woman to put a couple of bottles of aerosol hair spray in the dryer with a batch of towels.

Alex's technique is not terrible, but he does send Pablo on an errand and Tabatha picks up a "tone." Tabatha pulls Pablo aside and points out that Alex's comment could be interpreted as an order. And Pablo really needs to address how his staff speaks to him.

Now for the results of the assessment. Tabatha meets with Carlos and tells him the cut is uneven. In a masterful bit of professional maneuvering, Carlos blames his uneven cut on his client's hair.

Irina get a pass, her color was nice. Alex had a slight bleed from his foils, but he was enthusiastic and Tabatha approves. Joy is a shit show. Her color is uneven and she doesn't get the coverage she claimed she could with her 17 years of experience. She doesn't even live up to title of wash girl, she leaves color on the client's scalp.

Tabatha thinks all in all, it was a mediocre performance by team Allure. The staff is dismissed for the day and Tabatha meets with Pablo to discuss the team's shortcomings. Tabatha says in very simple terms -- they're whiney and terrible, which is why he needs to take the reins and lead them. And wear big boy pants, please.

Pablo seems to agree with all Tabatha is saying, although she isn't convinced he can man up and lead. I think it's the shorts.

The next day Tabatha and Pablo begin to put together rules for his stylists and the salon. Pablo seems to just repeat everything Tabs has mentioned, no gum, no tackiness... pretty much, don't be Joy.

The stylists arrive to review the rules. They all seem to agree with the rules, yet Joy does not spontaneously combust, so the rules are not yet in effect.

Hell, Joy is breaking most of the rules by coming in to work sporting a hair piece ripped from Madonna's 1990 Blond Ambition Tour. It's looks like it's manufactured by Mattel and it's a completely different blond than the Simpson yellow color of the hair on her scalp. As a hair dresser, she's okay with this. As a viewer, I am not.

So naturally it's time to go to the beach!

Tabatha has set up a marketing event on beach for the stylists of Allure. She asks the stylists to bring back potential clients for a cut or consultation, and make sure to invite people to the grand re-opening of the salon.

Tabatha sends them out to mingle with the crowds and bring people back. I like to believe she chose this location just to see Joy navigate the sands of Miami while dressed like a geriatric hooker.

As she stumbles down the beach Tabatha can't help but contribute that she looks like "a washed-up, leather, hooker troll doll." Wow Bravo, you really know how to pick subjects for these series.

This is when iTunes decided they were finished with the episode. Luckily had some time on my hands (like between the hours of 9 and 5) and I assailed them with emails, so you were not robbed of the following pics.

Tabatha sends Pablo to the restaurant where is bartends to pass out flyers and make announcement about the reopening of Allure. And luckily Miss Chichi Rodriquez was on hand to make the announcement and talk up the salon.

And we almost missed this pic. Damn you iTunes.

Pablo takes a stroll with Tabatha and tells her that he has never thought of doing an marketing event, but he should really do more events like this. Maybe expand his marketing prospects beyond a sandwich board and Joy's appearance on Jerry Springer.

Once they wrap at the beach, Tabatha has another surprise for team Allure back at the salon. She wants them to start the renovations.

T-Coif breaks out the paint and has the staff start the application. Because they work so well with 1 inch strips of hair, yeah move on to the walls.

Next time we find the stylists it's time for the reopening. The desk has been replaced and the place has been throughly cleaned and painted.

Joy has dressed "appropriately" for work today. If appropriately means braless and wearing an outfit pulled together from a scrap pile at a Bombay flag shop. She's also sporting a variation of the crappy hair piece she wore a couple days ago.

Alex is flitting about around Tabatha and is acting a little enamored with her. However, he's not tempted by her attempts to flirt back.

Pablo makes the rounds to try to encourage his staff. However going around repeating the same phase like he is equipped with a pull string is not impressing Ms. Coffey, she takes Pablo aside to suggest he appoint a head stylist. Pablo is not a stylist and he needs someone in the salon to set the artistic direction.

Clients have returned to Allure salon and each stylist will once again be appraised by Tabatha.

Not a minute passes before T is circling Joy. As Joy is applying highlights Tabatha addresses her, tells her that she's sloppy. She also calls her lazy and complacent. And nothing pisses Joy off like words she doesn't understand.

And Joy does finally pull out the big guns and she calls Tabatha a bitch. Shock! Ahh!

Tabatha barely blinks one of her albino bunny eyes (haha, thanks Roja!) and pulls Pablo aside to tell him it's necessary to address Joy. She cannot display this type of behavior on the floor. Pablo does stand his ground with Joy although she counters with an impressive argument, she comes from a "dysfunctional family."

Time for final recommendations. Pablo tried but wasn't fooling anyone, he's not a stylist, he needs an actual stylist in a leading role to mentor the less experienced (and straight up crappy ones) and provide an artistic direction. Tabatha recommends Irina for the role of Head Stylist. She's presented the most consistent, high quality work. Although if there's ever a run on do it yourself doll hair, not choosing Joy will have been a huge misstep.

Tabatha also tells Pablo he has stopped being the salon bitch and she's proud.

Back in the huddle with all the stylists, Pablo names Irina the head stylist and announces he will be giving Joy a second chance.

Tabatha is adds that Pablo has matured a lot and he has "filled his big boy pants -- with his balls."

When Tabatha returns to Allure 6 weeks later, Joy is still employed. She's less intense but still dressing like a deflated Anna Nicole. Irina is pleased with the changes she's seen in Allure. I'm pleased with the changed I see in her hair. Pablo is planning a charity event for Allure to participate in, and he will not be the charity anymore.

Tabatha has succeeded again. What did you think of this week? Does Pablo have what it takes to keep the salon afloat? Did Joy deserve to keep her job, and where the hell did she steal that hair from?

In Queens, two NYPD squad cars streak up the twisty ramp of a parking structure. Sirens blare, tires squeal, the works. Two guys, both wearing suits, both looking sort of tough, stand on the roof in front of a nondescript sedan with a worried-looking teen boy in the backseat. A cop, Officer Gibson, gets out of his car, gun drawn, and orders the men to get on their knees. One of the men tells him he has no idea what he's dealing with. Gibson looks confused. He starts backing up to the edge of the parking structure. Another cop, Officer Williams, asks him what the hell he's doing. Gibson seems to be trying to resist -- he's sweaty and panicky and struggling -- but he just keeps backing up, until he backs right off the edge and falls to his death. Safety barriers, folks. They're a good thing. With the same look of terror-struck confusion, Officer Williams shoots the two remaining cops and then, horrified, puts the gun to her temple and pulls the trigger.

Three deaths by gunfire, one death by falling... No flesh-eating bacteria? No spinal cords getting ripped out? On the Fringe gore index, this barely registers.

Walter grouses about the lack of either cadavers or food at the crime scene. In Walter's world, both share equal importance. Olivia reassures him that the bodies are being transferred to his lab. Walter thinks the weird behavior of the cops can be explained by hypnotism, though Peter, once again stepping into his role as Captain Reasonable on a ship of lunatics, points out that hypnosis can't force someone do something against their will. Well, duh. I know television shows sometimes over-explain things to make sure the viewers are all on the same page, but is there anyone out there who really thinks hypnosis can make you shoot yourself in the head? The kid's father works for Fleming Monroe, which is the aerospace division of our good old friend Massive Dynamic. Broyles says he's already put a call in to Nina Sharp.

At Massive Dynamic, Olivia and Peter stride briskly through the foyer after Nina's gorgeous and intimidating assistant, while Walter stumbles around and gawks at everything. He's just been informed by "a screen in the elevator" that there are 73 laboratories in the building, and Walter is officially in Mad Scientist Valhalla.

In Nina's office, which is designed to produce instant tension headaches, what with the bizarrely-angled windows and walls, Nina introduces the gang to Dr. Carson, Tyler's father, who claims the kidnappers have instructed him to wait for their demands. Thanks to surveillance footage from the rooftop shootout, the two kidnappers have been identified as used-car salesmen Patrick Hickey and Tom Dobbins (so help me, I never quite managed to sort out which was Hickey and which was Dobbins, and I don't really think it's integral to the plot, so I'm going to keep identifying them both as "the kidnappers" from here on out), who have no connection to either the Carson family or Massive Dynamic.

Dr. Carson exposits that he's been working on highly-sensitive automated military aircraft piloting and guidance systems, and that Tyler's mother died when Tyler was a small boy. When Dr. Carson talks about the possibility of losing his son, Walter looks anguished and has to leave the room. Peter heads out after him.

Father and son look out over the Manhattan skyline, while Walter informs Peter, for the eight thousandth time, that he once shared a lab with William Bell. In fact, Bell introduced Walter to Peter's mother at a neurobiology conference in Berlin. I'm pretty sure that's where Ashton first hooked up with Demi. Walter and Bell planned to form a company together, but Walter mournfully notes, "He just couldn't wait." Hey, Walter? You were locked up in a psychiatric hospital for seventeen years. You can't really blame Bell for wanting to move on with his life in the interim.

In the back seat of the sedan, Tyler flips back the head of a Homer Simpson PEZ dispenser. Et tu, Fringe? I know all the FOX shows are shoehorning in subtle Simpsons references as part of the 20th anniversary festivities, but I was kind of hoping Fringe would be above it all. Nothing at all against The Simpsons, just that it doesn't seem to exist in the same world as Fringe, and combining the two jolts me out of the plot and reminds me I'm watching a totally fabricated universe, one with big corporate sponsors and contractual obligations to the network. When Tyler complains about being hungry, they stop at a convenience store. One of the kidnappers (Hickey? Dobbins? Your guess) demands the clerk hand over all the cash in the register. Since the kidnapper has no gun, the cashier refuses.

A tough-looking customer intervenes, but then picks up a hot pot of coffee and, struggling mightily all the while, dumps it over his head. He smashes the pot over his scalded scalp, then, for good measure, crashes head-first into the glass doors of a refrigerated case.

In the chaos, the clerk pulls a gun on the kidnappers. One of them tells him, "You should have given us the money." With a look of confusion, the clerk sets down the gun, picks up a ring of keys, and jams a key into an electrical socket. Naturally enough, he electrocutes himself. Ah, there's the Fringe carnage we've come to expect.

The kidnapper picks up the gun. I guess it's significant that they're now armed, but they'd been doing pretty darn well for themselves without weapons thus far, so it's not like this is a big game-changer.

Olivia and Peter review the convenience store's security camera footage. Both victims are in intensive care, which, for this show, seems generous. I just assumed they were both toast. Peter notes that the kidnappers seem to have no plan. He also finds it odd that Tyler, as seen on the tape, isn't trying to escape. Olivia guesses that Walter's hypnosis theory might be close to the truth, but if that's the case, why didn't the kidnappers just hypnotize the clerk into handing over the money? Why all the violence? Not that she doesn't have a valid point, but you'd think by this stage Olivia would have enough experience with murder and mayhem to realize that some evil-doers just enjoy a good spot of carnage.

Broyles calls Olivia to tell her he interviewed the owner of the car dealership where Hickey and Dobbins worked. He said they were well-liked and good workers, and not the type to go around randomly kidnapping young boys and forcing cops to slaughter each other. Peter theorizes Hickey and Dobbins might be spies. Not 100% sure I follow his logic there -- it's a bit of a jump from "homicidal car salesmen/kidnappers with freaky mental abilities" to "spies" -- but Peter seems to know what he's talking about, so I'll go along with it.

At the lab, Walter uses a bone saw on the skull of one of the cops shot in the opening scene while bantering with Astrid over whether human brains taste more like pork or chicken. He extracts hunks of brain and hands them to her while looking for visible lesions, which, he claims, would be evidence of mind control, not hypnosis. I love how Fringe does the hard sell on far-fetched scientific premises: "Sure, mind-control causes brain lesions! Everybody knows that! I mean, obviously."

When Peter and Olivia arrive, Walter fills them in on what he's doing: There are hematomas on the brains of the victims, which indicate conflicting neural impulses, which suggests they were trying to fight against the mind-control. Olivia asks if the brain lesions killed them. Walter gently reminds her they were shot to death. Oh, Olivia. I think the world of you, but you're not really bringing your A-game this week, are you? Walter, making one of those Walteresque leaps in logic that make no sense to anyone who isn't Walter, thinks the victims were controlled by sound waves.

Broyles and Olivia wait with Dr. Carson for a ransom call. When Tyler finally calls, he sounds terrified. He tells them to give his kidnappers whatever they want, which turns out to be two million dollars in unmarked bills, delivered to an industrial park near the Newark airport. The FBI is unsuccessful at tracing the call. When Dr. Carson says he'll have trouble coming up with that much cash, Nina calmly assures him Massive Dynamic will cover the ransom. Can we digress for a moment about the awesomeness of Nina? I love how she manages to be brainy and intimidating and sinister and sort of genuinely nice all at once. And her hair always looks fabulous. Added bonus: robotic arm! When I grow up, I want to be Nina Sharp. Broyles and Olivia are certain the request for money is a cover for the kidnappers' real demand, whatever that may be. Olivia proposes setting up a trap.

In the basement laboratory, Walter sings "Baa Baa Black Sheep" and rummages around in boxes. It probably goes without saying that, while this is going on, Peter and Astrid observe him with exasperated affection. I have a sneaky hunch I'll be writing the sentence "Peter and Astrid observe Walter with exasperated affection" a lot in future recaps. It's a motif on this show.

Walter finally finds what he's looking for: Peter's old teddy bear, which generates white noise when a switch is flipped. I don't have kids, so I had to check to see if such a product really exists. Yep, it sure does. You know you can get a teddy bear that generates the noise of a car ride? Apparently kids find car noises really comforting and soothing. Who knew? I'm not all that much older than Peter, though, and I don't think white-noise toys were around when I was a kid. Maybe Peter was still sleeping with teddy bears during his stressful MIT years. Walter thinks the white noise will block the brain-controlling soundwaves. It's unclear why simply wearing a sturdy pair of earplugs wouldn't have the same effect.

Olivia briefs an FBI strike team, which is preparing to move in on the ransom exchange site. She wants the kidnappers alive if possible, but Tyler's safety is the first priority. Walter, excited by all the hubbub, wonders aloud to Peter if the FBI will ever give him a gun. Peter doesn't reply, but his silent pained expression at the thought of an armed Walter says it all. Joshua Jackson has a killer repertoire of exasperated reaction shots.

Walter addresses the strike team: They all have white noise-emitting headphones, which will prevent the kidnappers from controlling them with sound. Unfortunately, Walter's lecture is totally lost on the strike team, seeing as they're all wearing their headphones already and can't hear a damn thing he's saying. Peter hands Walter a microphone so they can hear him. Walter cheerfully informs them they won't be able to communicate with each other while the headphones are on, but not to remove them under any circumstances: "If you do, you may die a gruesome and horrible death." They're on Fringe, Walter. I'm sure they all fully expect to die gruesome and horrible deaths.

Olivia and the strike team stake out the industrial park. Dr. Carson stands by himself, ready to hand off the ransom money. A brown sedan drives up, but there's no sign of Tyler. One of the kidnappers approaches Dr. Carson on foot. Everyone puts on their headphones, and Walter uses Peter's teddy bear to broadcast white noise.

The kidnapper grabs the briefcase of money from Dr. Carson and starts to run. The strike team chases him into a warehouse. The other kidnapper drives through straight through the closed warehouse doors, and all of a sudden we're in an A-Team episode. The car flips in the air, rolls upside down, and bursts into flame. Yep, this is an A-Team episode. Totally. If the kidnapper gets out of the car, a little shaken up but no worse for wear, we'll definitely be in an A-Team episode.

...We're not in an A-Team episode. He's dead.

(They're making an A-Team feature film, with Liam Neeson as Hannibal. Bad idea, or horrible idea? Discuss.)

Olivia rushes into the warehouse and finds the other kidnapper (Hickey or Dobbins? Flip a coin) sitting against the wall, holding his own gun under his chin, hand trembling, struggling not to pull the trigger. He pleads with Olivia to help him.

Peter sees someone running with the briefcase of money and pursues him on foot. He staggers and reels, as though struck by some terrible noise, and whips off the headphones. He turns and sees a PEZ-chomping Tyler, who smirks and tells him the headphones are totally useless. You mean mind-control can't be thwarted via strategic use of a teddy bear? Color me shocked. Tyler orders Peter to take him to his car, and they spin out in Walter's station wagon.

Back at the industrial park, Olivia checks if there's been any sign of Tyler and receives a negative reply. Walter approaches, greatly agitated, searching for Peter. Olivia questions the surviving kidnapper, who claims Tyler was in control the whole time. Tyler used mind-control to force him to saw off one of his own fingers when he tried to get away. He holds up his bloody, mangled hand, which effectively makes his point.

Peter drives Walter's car, in obvious discomfort, while Tyler grins and tells him he'll make the pain stop if Peter behaves. Peter tries to pull the car over to talk to Tyler, but Tyler uses mind-control to force Peter to floor the gas pedal. This being Walter's crappy old clunker, it accelerates to a speed almost approaching the speed limit. Peter swerves around cars, out of control, and slams on the brakes right before rear-ending a truck. Tyler claims he can make Peter do anything he wants. Peter replies, "You know what, kid? You're a real son of a bitch." Tyler looks secretly pleased.

Massive Dynamic: Olivia shows Nina traffic photos of Walter's station wagon with Peter at the wheel. Olivia grills Nina about whether it's a coincidence that the son of one of her top scientists has the power to control minds. Nina seems genuinely surprised. She mentions that Dr. Carson has been collaborating with the pharmaceutical division, then shows Olivia a project he'd been working on to train pilots to fly fighter jets via electrodes in their helmets instead of using their hands, presumably to make it easier to send text-messages or eat a sandwich while flying. Man, Massive Dynamic has a lot of disposable income, if they're financing projects like this. Recession? What recession?

Nina explains that drugs are used to amplify the brainwaves of the pilots. When Walter asks if Tyler was exposed to the drugs, Nina flatly denies it. Dr. Carson guiltily admits he took some drug samples to work with them at home -- it's possible Tyler swiped them.

In Walter's station wagon, Tyler flicks back the head of his Homer Simpson PEZ dispenser, and something tells me it's not filled with tasty Austrian candy. Peter snarkily congratulates Tyler for successfully managing to kidnap himself. He tries to grill Tyler for information on how his powers work. Tyler is having none of it, and they end up comparing their respective daddy issues for a while.

Dr. Carson claims the drugs used in the flight simulator tests were designed only to work to manipulate computers, not brains. Walter points out that the brain is a computer. Tyler, who is going through puberty, has a system flooded with hormones, plus he's taking prescription medication for his ADD, which, per Walter, is a mind-control cocktail. Walter gets uncharacteristically vicious with Dr. Carson, claiming, "Because of this man's inability to be a proper parent, his son has kidnapped mine." He lunges at Dr. Carson, and Olivia has to haul him back. Dr. Carson, you just almost had your ass handed to you by Walter. That's really embarrassing.

A police car pull the station wagon over. Peter uses his full blast of charm on the officer, including his impish-yet-ingratiating grin, but it's not working. The cop, clearly suspicious, orders him out of the vehicle and pats him down. Tyler uses his powers to force the cop to give his gun to Peter. Peter points the gun at the cop, resisting all the while, and begs Tyler not to force him to kill him. In a generous mood, Tyler lets Peter pistol-whip the police officer unconscious instead.

Back at Massive Dynamic, Olivia instructs Astrid to make sure state troopers know Peter is not a target. She gets called into Nina's office, where Broyles tells her Tyler has been reclassified as a national security threat. Hence, the Fringe Division has been ordered to stand down. Before faking his kidnapping, Tyler bought two plane tickets to Costa Rica, which suggests to the FBI that he might be working with a foreign handler to deliver Massive Dynamic's technology to an enemy country. Olivia worries this means Peter will be placed in greater danger, since the FBI will be stepping up efforts to contain Tyler. Aw, don't worry, Olivia. This whole subplot will never be mentioned again.

Walter, still shell-shocked over Peter's kidnapping, tells Olivia he can't lose Peter again. Olivia reassures him they'll get his son back safely, provided Walter drums up some way to disable Tyler. Walter frets and dithers, so Olivia gives him a pep talk. It doesn't work, so Nina steps in and gives him a better pep talk, which does the trick. Sufficiently inspired, Walter asks for an EMF scrambler to disrupt Tyler's beta waves. Everybody acts like they know what he's talking about.

Astrid bursts in, mentioning that she's been searching Tyler's computer. He'd been doing some strange searches of obituaries and death notices of women who died in car accidents fourteen years ago. His most recent search uncovered a newspaper article on a still-living woman, Renee Davies, whom Dr. Carson confirms is his ex-wife.

Peter, out to prove he's the coolest hostage ever, takes Tyler to a strip club. They ogle naked girls and Peter chows down on a steak while they yammer on about their daddy issues some more. Tyler tells Peter his dad lied and told him his mother was dead.

Dr. Carson tells Olivia that his wife was a drug addict who would disappear for weeks at a time. One day, she ran off and never came back. With a son as delightful and charming as Tyler? That's a shock. Dr. Carson told Tyler she died in a car accident, thinking it would be easier on him that way.

Tyler tells Peter he found his birth certificate a month ago and learned his mom's real name. From that, he discovered she wasn't dead. She's a rehab counselor in Maryland, which is where they're headed. When Peter gently suggests that maybe murdering those cops wasn't such a cool idea, Tyler forces Peter to pick up his steak knife and plunge it into the seat cushion. Tyler warns him that if he didn't need Peter to drive, he would have forced him to stab his own leg. Maybe Tyler should have postponed his madcap Natural Born Killers spree of violence and mayhem until after he was old enough to drive.

Walter and Astrid work in the Massive Dynamic lab, both wearing hats made from tinfoil. Walter explains to Olivia that it has nothing to do with the case -- he just thinks the people at Massive Dynamic are trying to read his thoughts. Astrid confirms that Massive Dynamic gives her the creeps, too. Don't encourage him, Astrid. Walter figures that, since the drugs used on the test pilots were responsive to magnetic fields, Tyler's brain could be wiped with a magnetic pulse. Hopefully this'll work better than your whole "white noise will stop mind-control" idea, Walter.

In Springfield, Maryland, a woman prunes the rosebushes outside a nice house. Tyler asks if she's Renee Davies, then introduces himself as her son. She puts on a decent show of seeming pleased to see him, but she's clearly thrown off by his appearance. Tyler doesn't seem to notice and gives her a big hug. Peter, who looks like he knows full well this whole meeting isn't going to lead to anything good, suggests they go inside the house.

Tyler sits in the living room and assures Renee he doesn't blame her for leaving -- he blames his father. He wants to run off to another country with her. Renee is stunned and visibly disturbed. When Seth, Renee's new husband/boyfriend, walks in, Tyler grows furious. Peter suggests that he and Tyler leave quietly, but Tyler forces Peter to draw the gun and aim it at Seth.

Olivia and Broyles arrive and sneak into Renee's house. Broyles shoots Tyler with a stun gun, so Tyler forces Peter to shoot Broyles in the arm. Tyler and Peter take off. Broyles tells Olivia to stop fussing over his gunshot wound and orders her to head after them. Olivia flags down Walter and Astrid, who are just arriving in Astrid's car, and hops in the backseat. They take off in hot pursuit of Walter's station wagon. Is it me, or has Olivia been a smidgen useless this episode? I'm not complaining, actually. After most episodes, I end up feeling sort of feeble and inadequate in the face of her intimidating ultra-competence.

Walter needs Astrid to get within twenty feet of Tyler and Peter in the station wagon for his device to work. He shoots an electromagnetic pulse at his car.

It works. In the passenger seat, Tyler looks confused and disoriented. Peter takes advantage of Tyler's distraction and rams the car into a telephone pole. Slamming on the brakes and shooting Tyler might've worked, too, but not every decision made under pressure is a great one. Everything goes black.

Peter lays sprawled on his back on the grass next to the wrecked car, slowly returning to consciousness as Walter fusses over him. They observe Tyler being loaded into an ambulance on a stretcher. Walter tells Peter that Tyler is unconscious. They're keeping him sedated to make sure he remains that way.

Broyles gets his gunshot wound patched up. He gruffly accuses Peter of being a lousy shot; Peter informs him he deliberately pulled the shot off-center to avoid shooting him in the head.

Later, Olivia calls Peter and Walter at home to tell them that Tyler lost his freaky mind-control powers when the drug wore off. Walter, still in overprotective mode, fixes Peter crepes, over Peter's protests: "You were abducted. Of course you need crepes." He reminisces about how Peter used to call them "creeps", which leads into a digression about Peter's mother. Walter describes her as "a strong woman," and starts to choke up a little. Walter cries kind of a lot. I point this out because whenever Walter starts crying, I cry too. It's the weirdest damn thing, like a Pavlovian response. You know that scene in the first-season finale where Walter stands sobbing at Peter's -- the original Peter's -- grave? Waterworks. Embarrassing. I can't explain it.

Nina composes a message to William Bell on her computer. I'd say she was sending him an email, but... wow, okay, here's where the recession must be hitting Massive Dynamic hard, because she's typing it on an old-school computer, with big blocky green letters on a black screen. What the hell, Nina? Why are we in 1987 all of a sudden? She narrates her letter: She doesn't know if he's receiving these messages, but she wants to update him on the Penrose-Carson experiments. "One of the Tylers," as she puts it, showed some dramatic mind-control ability, but there were unintended consequences.

While Nina narrates about how Tyler located his surrogate mother -- ah, surrogate mother, interesting -- Dr. Carson flips through files of previous test subjects. There are photos of several different identical Tylers, identified by number. Nina continues on with her message to Bell, telling him she's suspending the experiments, while Dr. Carson wheels an unconscious Tyler on a gurney down a long white corridor. Through the windows on either side of the corridors, rows of other unconscious Tylers can be glimpsed.

Nina tells Bell that, despite the problems, they can consider the experiment a success.

Nina, you are one sneaky, sneaky lady. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Welcome, welcome. We're thundering home to the conclusion of our 120-day DietTribe weight loss journey. But we have a few pitfalls left to stumble through before we get there. Namely, softball camp, resort restaurant dinner ordering, photo burning, and surfing lessons. Exciting--and random--times. The lesson today, though, is that their former selves were holding them back, and their current selves can rule the world! Suck it!

I want to stop each one of them and wrench their seats up a few inches. It seriously pains me to see this. Anyway, they're riding all around the park, enjoying the scenery. What a lovely day! They stop at a crossroads. They could go down a hill, or they could head up a hill. Laneesa's firmly demanding they go down. (But, honey, you have to come back UP. Do you really want to do that at the END of your workout?) Tiffany plays teacher's pet and says "Jessie wants us to challenge ourselves and he's not here. Let's go up." So they go up. Laneesa gives the finger to Tiffany's back.

The screen is telling us that mountain biking burns 700 calories an hour. Too bad they're not mountain biking. The hill they're heading up looks kind of steep, but I'm not sure they're really in the right gear to head up it comfortably. Doesn't matter--they're just standing for the climb anyway. Good enough! Mary joins Laneesa in cursing Tiffany under her breath. Are you surprised?

Anyway, they survived the bike ride and no one killed Tiffany.

Rita's up next, confession cam, and she's ecstatic because she fits in her wedding dress! She hasn't fit in it since she was 20, and now, 14 years later, she's back in it. Hooray, Rita! I still can't believe you're 34! And I don't like your dress!

Back to the gym, and Jessie's guns are busting out of his hoodie. Holy wow. The triathlon's only 30 days away, and Jessie's going to test their mental toughness today. This is important--believing you can do something is more than half the battle of getting it done. Weak minds equal weak triathletes. (Me, the thought of free pizza at the end of a race brings me mental toughness.)

First, he gets them into the studio for some weight training. They do squats, lunges, shoulder presses, curls, rows, etc. THEN he has them do jumping jacks while pressing the barbells over their heads--uh oh! Mary's struggling, and Stephanie looks fresh as a daisy.

Jessie doesn't let them rest--he drags them to their next exercise. Football shuffles, then some time on the spin bikes, then some boxing drills. Jessie wants to shock the body, push them all past their breaking point. They ended with abs, and....that's it. Eh. Not much of a shock, if you ask me. Just a hard workout.

Anyway, as a reward for their mental toughness workout, they're heading out for the weekend to La Jolla! And Jessie's got a surprise for 'em!

The next day, Jessie pulls up in a big black van. He looks adorable in a seatbelt. (I'm guessing he'd look adorable in a turd, too, but I can't stop commenting on how cute he is and you all know it's true which is why you watch every week, amiright?) Anyway, The Jessie Express is taking the Tribers to the beach!

They arrive at the resort in La Jolla. (I'm personally impressed with myself for knowing that "LaHoya" was actually La Jolla, and I'm all East Coast! Now YOU tell ME how to pronounce Bala Cynwyd or Schyulkill!) Each woman has her own room, as well as access to the Presidential suite, which also has a dining room, a living room, and all sorts of other amenities. Pretty swank.

Jessie gives 'em one hour to get ready to meet him for dinner. I'd really like it if they'd show HIM getting ready for dinner. Ya know, shower shots, some primping. Whatever it takes.

Anyway, does it surprise anyone that Tiffany and Stephanie have adjoining rooms? That's fun--I always hate it when I get an adjoining room in a hotel when I'm, like, on a business trip and don't know who's on the other side. When you know the other person, though, it's fun! Cheap thrills for pandas, I guess.

They all decide to get ready together in the Presidential suite. Rita helps Mary curl her hair, Laneesa's washing her face, Tiffany's creating a reprise of the hair from Stephanie's party. These girls really are looking a lot thinner now. It's amazing.

Meanwhile, Jessie's waiting for 'em downstairs in a button-down safari shirt that hugs every curve of his biceps. He calls up to their room to ask if they're all done "getting beautiful." Cute!

All six head into the restaurant for dinner. Jessie's goal here is to help them navigate a tricky menu full of delicious (and fatty) choices, since he won't always be there to steer them the right way. Rita's all excited about the parmesan risotto, and Jessie isn't hearing any of it. His goading face cracks me up.

Tiffany's nervous about asking the wait staff about how a food is prepared. She wants the scallops, but she needs to know how it's cooked. The others are looking at beef and chicken. The chef comes out to the table to chat. He assures Tiffany that it's totally cool to ask questions. Of course, he's a chef at a resort--he's supposed to be mindful of that. I don't think your teenaged server at Chili's is going to be as cool with it.

Jessie looks SO intense as Tiffany's ordering her scallops, it cracks me up. He is so serious, but not in a douchey Bob and Jillian way. Also, it's adorable. He stares each woman down as she orders (the rest order the filet). Only Stephanie fucked it up by NOT asking how the veggies were prepared. (The others ordered their veggies steamed--Stephanie's are going to be drenched in--GASP!--olive oil.) C'mon, you're going out for a nice dinner, HAVE THE OLIVE OIL.

(actually, Jessie just interviewed to say that they ALL asked for steamed veggies, so I guess maybe Stephanie changed her mind after hearing everyone else?)

Jessie, the food police, reminds everyone that they are only to eat HALF of their filets, since a serving of beef is 4 oz. I roll my eyes. It's a lean cut of beef, and they need the protein and the iron. And they didn't get any starches! Let 'em enjoy the steak! UGH! (This comes from a woman who has lost over 100 lbs and kept it off for three years, so my kvetching is legit.)

Their meal, honestly, looks boring and no fun. No booze, slicing steamed asparagus into tiny bits....ugh. Rita complains about how good the steak is and how she doesn't want to stop eating. Jessie explains (and he's right) that it takes a while for your stomach to realize you're full, and most people don't stop eating until they're uncomfortably stuffed. (Raising my hand.) Rita pushes back from the table with a mopey face. But she'll be okay. (I still think they should enjoy the whole steak.)

Jessie tells 'em that he's proud of 'em for making good choices, that he knows they'll do okay without him after he's gone. But the thing is, you KNOW they only ordered what they did because he was sitting there, hawk-eying them the whole time. When it comes down to it, they're going to be ordering onion rings and cheesesteaks at Keebler's or whatever pub they like going to after softball.

Next up is softball camp! The Tribers head out to meet up with the US Olympic softball team. Wow! These women are amazing. The pitcher, in particular, is freaky--I don't understand how her body moves like that! We get to see all kinds of drills that the team is working on--grounding, hitting, fielding. Pretty cool! Jessie interviews to say, "this is their chance to see what a winning mentality is." Ouch! "You guys are losers. Smell a winner!"

The one softball chick is really, really cute, and I wonder if she and Jessie are going to do a little canoodling later on. If so, I hope we get to watch. (Too much?)

Introductions are made, and we meet this really cute chick (Jennie Finch) and the coach (who's just a hair taller than Danny Devito and built similarly, with a Cliff Claven mustache). Coach throws the DietTribers right into the US Olympic team's workout, which is awesome and nuts. I'd be crapping my pants.

Rita asks a few players for advice in how to catch a ball on the ground. Is she serious?? She asks, "Do I bend over?" and the girls stop for a second and go..."Um, you do this" and they squat. Rita goes, "oh, you lunge? I mean, squat?" Rita! You used to be with it! What happened? You are NOT 34. Stephanie asks for help with keeping the ball in her glove. *shaking my head*

They all take turns fielding ground balls from an assistant coach. Rita, Stephanie, Tiffany, and Laneesa do a great job. Mary? Oh, she nails it, too. It's not time for her to take a ball to the face yet.

But soon. In fact, they don't make us wait long. Here it is! The ball bounced right to the ground, right off the bat, and clocked Mary right in the chin. Split her open a little bit, too. Truthfully, as much as I like to beat up on Mary in my mind, I didn't want her to be hurt. I was grossing myself out with thoughts of broken teeth, broken noses, or broken glasses jammed into her eye socket. So, I'm glad she's okay. (And only a tiny bit disappointed that it wasn't a broken nose. Marsha Marsha Marsha!)

The Olympic softball team cheers Mary on to be proud of her battle scars, and that inflates her a little after her maiming. The medic checks her out, but she's eager to get back in there and play. Jessie notes that in the past, Mary probably would have taken that as an excuse to stop playing. But not now--she's got the grit and she legitimately enjoys being outside and being active.

More footage of 'em doing batting practice and more grounding practice. If I could put in my two cents (why not? I'm writing this damn thing), I'd ask for the girls to get more throwing practice. They look great with the fielding, but they still throw like girls. Big, long, wide, slow arcs. The US Olympic team, I bet, has some coaching they could do there. Tiffany needs no coaching on being a loudmouth with crazy hair. Some things can't be trained.

Afterwards, the girls hit the pool for some crazy fun times. Lots of splashing and chicken fighting. Fun!

Next up? Therapy. Oh no. They all meet Therapist Stacy by a gigantic fireplace. Stacy is wearing some kind of contraption of a jacket that's either silk or nylon, with zipper sleeves like a motorcycle jacket but lapels like a trench coat. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

She passes envelopes out to the Tribers. The envelopes contain photos of each woman at her heaviest. Rita, it seems, used to be even heavier than she must've been at the start of this. Stephanie's photo, too, is pretty crazy.

Stacy tells them that this is a psychological insurance package, that by remembering how they felt when they were bigger versus how they feel today, they'll be motivated to keep up with their hard work. Next, she has them throw these photos into the fire. Say goodbye to the fat ladies they once were, make room for the fit mamas they are now! Stephanie makes me teary when she points to the photo and says, "She is a great person," and then points to herself and says, "but I am a better person." Sniff!!

Oooh, I started to zone out during the end of this segment and almost missed Stacy commanding them to repeat after her! DAMN YOU! They all had to say, "No turning back!" Ugh.

Before heading back to LA, Jessie treats the girls to a day at the beach, doing surfing lessons. The shop he takes 'em to is called Surf Divas. I roll my eyes at the name, because I'm tired of the word "diva" being flung around all the time. Tri Divas, Surf Divas. I'm going to open up a can of Shut up Divas.

Rita is especially excited to surf, because her husband surfs. In fact, she'd once tried to take lessons to surprise her hubby, but the instructor basically told her she was too fat--to come back once she'd lost 20 lbs and she'd actually be able to get up on the board. Ouch!

Can someone tell me why they're wearing rash guard shirts over full wetsuits? Anyone? I hope it's just so they can tell who belongs with the lesson group while they're in the water. Otherwise, they just look dumb.

Jessie heads out into the water with them, and he's not the best surfer. But he tries! And looks damn hunky doing it!

Next, we get treated to a bunch of clips of the girls falling off their boards. I love it--you should see this stupid grin I have, watching them face-plant into the sand, one after the other. (Because it looks fun, not because I'm mean!)

Everyone keeps talking about how exciting this is for Rita. And Rita keeps up her end of the bargain, standing up on the board for a good long while! Go, Rita!

Phew. This episode seemed to take forever. Finally, weigh in.

(Hey Rita! Did you know your goal is different because you're a different body type??!)

• Rita, you're up first! She lost 5 lbs. Total lost so far, 26 lbs.
• Tiffany's next. She lost 6 lbs this time around. 41 lbs total!
• Stephanie lost...2 lbs?! She's lost 43 lbs total. But hey, are those sautéed asparagus coming back to haunt her?? Poor thing--she's bummed.
• Mary is next. She's looking younger! And she lost 6 lbs. Total of 46 lbs--only 4 lbs to go!
• Laneesa's last, and she lost 10 lbs this week...and 51 lbs total! She made her goal! Jessie asks her what her goal's gonna be for next time, and Laneesa's confident that she can pull another 10 lbs. That'd be awesome for her.

Oh, Jessie. That speech Lifetime wrote for you about their journey so far? It sucks. Even you can't save it. Ugh. Anyway, it doesn't matter. We're almost done here. Next week, we have another crappy trust fall exercise in the woods, and FINALLY, these bitches hit the waters and streets for their first triathlon. YAY! I can't wait to pick it apart celebrate their success! Finally, will they all finish and win that beautiful cruise? Come back next week to find out!!

Before we go:

Oh, and another random grab that made me laugh:

Our mighty fat peeps are back on the ranch from their political trip to DC. They promptly meet with Ali for the pop challenge, and she has some startling news. This week, TWO players will be eliminated. "Today there are eight of you," Ali says. "After tonight, there will only be six players left." Okay, so... 8-2=6? Thanks, Ali! Simple math has never been my strong suit. In fact, fractions are my worst horrific nightmare. So when Becca clarifies that this means ONE-FOURTH of the team will be gone, I'm thankful that she completed this quick division in her head for me. It's like SchoolHouse Rock this week. Only fatter. And less pervy. Okay, just as pervy. And don't pretend like SchoolHouse Rock wasn't pervy. If you are asking children "what's your function???" hidden by a catchy tune, then something is seriously wrong with you.

Oh goodness. Let's get back on fat. I mean, back on track. Because that's not even the WORST news! Oh no. No, it's not. The WORST news is that there will be a yellow line AND a red line. The person who loses the weigh-in will be below the red line and is automatically out. The next two lowest losers will be below the yellow line and a regular elimination will take place. Got that?

Now on to the pop challenge! Each player has a board with 50 tennis balls attached. They must jump up, grab a ball, and toss it into their container. Whoever gets the most balls, wins and will receive a one pound advantage at weigh-in. Amanda and Liz have mystery medical reasons that will not allow them to play. I always wonder what these "medical reasons" are. Is the reason that they are fat?

Time to start jumpin' for balls! Allen starts off in the lead with Rudy close behind. Some stuff happens, but Allen maintains in the lead. Then Becca magically ties Allen and they are neck and neck. But Allen still wins by a hair. Surprised? Me neither.

Becca and Amanda go for a walk and agree that they want Liz off the show. And if Allen gets below the yellow line, they'll vote him out. Amanda tells us there is a separation between the young and the old. Right now, there are four moldy oldies vs. four onion young'uns. Whoever falls below the red line, makes the vote four vs. three and one team gains the advantage. Get the math on that one, Gasmii? It's 4-1=3.

Jillian and Bob meet the team at the house, and Jillian remarks how funny it is that Tracey was eliminated after she could stand her. She chortles and guffaws but no one gets her joke. Apparently, it only makes sense in SatanLand where Jillian goes after work and unfolds the big, leathery wings that she hides underneath her tank top. Allen tells the trainers about the yellow and red lines. And Bob is shocked! He cannot believe that two people are going home. His reaction is SO exaggerated, that you'd think they'd told him something REALLY bad. Like that they were no longer providing him with EXTRA gum and LARA BARS. Or that he's no longer allowed to sit on the backs of hot, sweaty firemen as they do push-ups in the grass.

Jillian asks for a private conference with Bob. She says that it might be politically incorrect to talk about, but Shay NEEDS to be there. She worries that Shay won't live. Bob says they can't play God by deciding who deserves to be there. Jillian doesn't believe that Shay will do well in the real world, and Bob agrees. All of this emphasis on Shay means that she's definitely going home. You know that, right? Editors always give this shit away.

Now Bob is mad at Rudy because Rudy's shin hurts. Bob tells Rudy that he needs to say that everything is going to be fine and he'll do whatever Bob tells him to do every single day. So Rudy says, "Everything is going to be fine, and I'll do whatever you tell me to do every single day." Bob's brain washing technique worked and he appears pleased.

The contestants go to the gym to run on the treadmill, and Shay has a hard time but ultimately finishes the run. Danny's hip hurts, so he has to stop running and walk instead. Everyone grunts and grimaces and works out until they fall down. Danny tells Bob that he's not feeling well. He's tired and dead, but he doesn't want to give up. So he meets Jillian for sit-ups. I love it because he gets all frustrated and exclaims, "Oh fud!" Jillian eventually fuddin' kicks him out of the fuddin' gym, telling him that he's fuddin' over-trained. This is so unlike Jillian. Usually she'd prefer that someone die on the treadmill than ever climb off.

Jillian quickly takes her focus away from Danny and moves it onto Shay because she's the biggest in the house. She forces Shay to stair climb until Shay wheezes and cries. Jillian asks Shay to do the plank yoga position, but Shay bends at the waist making more of a teepee shape. Jillian gets in her face and yells, "DROP YOUR ASS! OR YOU WILL GO HOME!" (This sounds eerily similar to my Saturday night.) So much liquid is falling off of Shay's face that I can't tell what's sweat and what's tears and what's liquified fat burning off. Jillian yells at her to stop crying and get into plank for 10 seconds. Shay does it, and Jillian yells at her to look at her. She tells Shay to focus and not cry one more tear. Jillian is screaming so passionately that another, smaller Jillian head comes out of her mouth and also screams. Kinda like "Alien." Only scarier and with more blood.

Jillian tells us that she needs to make sure that Shay doesn't fall below the red line. Okay, so now we know that Shay will probably fall below the red line. This fixation with Shay is just a dead giveaway.

Back at the house, Team Old talks strategy. Allen says that he's avoided the game but now he might need to play the game. Rudy says all four of them need to stay above the red line because the young people will vote together and pick them off one by one. Liz tells us that she's not going out without a fight. I forgot to include this earlier, so here you go. It's Liz falling off the treadmill and forcing us to stare-down her old lady cranny. Priceless.

Jillian says that work-outs this week aren't a couple hours, they're all day long because it's a big week. Becca is on the treadmill, and Jillian tells us that if Becca isn't winning, she gives up. It's all or nothing. Becca tells us that she's drained emotionally. So she gives up running and walks out. Because if someone weren't storming out of the gym, then we wouldn't be watching The Biggest Loser.

Back at the house, Amanda asks Becca what her deal is. Becca says it's a fight every day just to get out of bed. Amanda says they just need to stay above the yellow line, and she'll have her back the whole way. They share a hug, crimp each others' hair, and then prance around and dance to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." Okay, maybe not. Not in front of the camera, at least. But I'm sure they definitely do it later when the cameras are off.

Danny tells Bob that he's done for the day, and Bob disagrees. Bob tells us that Danny can rest after the finale despite what Jillian says. Again, Danny shows us his old photos of himself and talks about how he could have won state. He's totally one of those sad old souls who lives in the past and wastes money buying time-travel devices off of eBay. It's sad, really. If your life peaks with a mullet and faded stone-washed jeans, then you are totes in troubs. Danny says he lost his drive and lust for life. He gave up on himself, but he's now feeling confident for the first time in a long time.

As if this show wasn't already scary enough, the contestants go to a circus. Ali says it takes a lot of work to succeed in the circus. Then she makes lots of puns like "jumping through hoops" and "finding balance" and probably something about "juggling" activities. Hardy har, Ali. We get it. Clowns lurk in the background the whole time she's talking. I'm totally afraid of clowns. Not so much because of their scary make-up. But more because they are blood thirsty and eat babies. Okay, now for the challenge: There is a hoop for every person. The goal is to jump through your opponent's hoops. For every hoop jumped through, they get one point. When someone accumulates 100 points, they are out of the game. Last one standing wins, and the prize is immunity. Did you get my really awful description of the game? Don't worry about it. Instead, worry about how I'm going to torture you with this clown screencap:

Rudy and Shay make a Hoop Alliance that I don't really understand. Something like if they are the last two, then they won't go for each other? I don't get it. And they're off! Team Old targets Daniel and Team Young targets Liz. The initial goal is to give immunity to someone who WON'T fall below the yellow line, so they start by only targeting weak players. Team Old then targets Amanda because she's quick and helping the other team. Shay trips through a hoop but it only causes about 10 seconds of drama. Liz is the first person out. And then Amanda and Daniel are out. Allen is out next then Becca. Now it's Danny, Rudy, and Shay still in the game. Shay is mad that Rudy broke their Hoop Alliance, and Rudy doesn't care. He tells us that they never made an alliance. And I'm pretty confused. They argue throughout the rest of the game, and Shay screams about how she's a million pounds and still running. Shay is now out, so it's between Danny and Rudy. Rudy easily takes out Danny and wins immunity.

Back at the house, we find out that Becca and Daniel stole two spin bikes and took them into Shay's room, so they can work out while Team Old sleeps. Not gon' lie, it's kind of a genius move on their part. Although I really can't imagine either of them lugging those things into the house and up the stairs without the help from producers.

The next day, tensions are pretty high. It's pretty obvious that Shay is still mad at Rudy. But there's no time for that because it's off to the trapeze. But before that, Bob needs to plug Lara Bars. Lara Bars this. Lara Bars that. Who really cares, I just want to see the trapeze. Our peeps go to a gym with a bunch of swings and do trapeze exercises. Bob notices that Shay looks stressed, so he tells her that she really needs to be there, which stresses her out even more. Danny tells us that he's created pools of sweat on the floor. It's so sweaty that he can't even do push-ups without slipping around. He's kinda bragging when he tells us this, and I'm not sure why. Seems more like something that one should really keep to themselves.

Now it's off to meet Jillian for a last-chance work-out. She makes them play tug-of-war and roll tires. And the usual grunting and abuse takes place. Nothing particularly special. Rudy tries to do a push-up on a treadmill and slides off. I kinda like that. It keeps me engaged.

Time for weigh in! Ali reminds us about the red line and that two people will be going home. Because Rudy is safe from elimination, he will be weighed in first. He loses 8 pounds.

Shay is up next. She is on track to break Kristen's record of being the female to lose 100 pounds the quickest. (Kristen lost it in 12 weeks.) Shay only has 17 pounds to lose before hitting 100. She loses 17 pounds! She shatters Kristen's record and freaks the fud out. Jillian is stunned and her jaw drops. Shay cries and jumps around. I almost get a little misty. Wow. So that's all it took to warm my stone cold heart? It just took a fat girl to lose some weight? Apparently, I am softer than I thought.

Amanda loses five pounds. She worries that it's not good enough, but it's still 2.42%. Becca loses 10 pounds and does her clappy runny dance. Her percentage is even higher than Shay's. Danny is now up; he loses 17 pounds. Wow, everyone is losing a freakish amount! This is weird! Danny cries and says he'll never fail his family again. Danny's percentage is the highest, so the three ladies are in danger of falling below the lines.

Allen approaches the scale and has a one pound advantage for winning the pop challenge. He loses 10 pounds, which puts him right in the middle and makes Becca safe. Amanda is definitely below the yellow line.

Liz heads up next and loses a whopping 12 pounds, which is pretty weird. She is now leading the weigh in and is definitely safe. That puts Shay below the yellow line. She's upset that she breaks a record and is still in danger. I agree that's pretty shitty, but I'm not at all surprised. Daniel is the last to weigh in. He loses five pounds and falls below the red line. He says he's proud of himself and has come really far. Shay and Amanda are below the yellow line and up for elimination. Team Old dominates!

Shay pleas her case to the group, saying she's not here to win a game. She wants her life back, and she needs to stay so she can live. Amanda says that she fought to get there and cries. Everyone shifts around and looks uncomfortable. Rudy says neither of them are a threat, so it's not about game play anymore.

Becca votes for Shay because she's friends with Amanda. Allen also votes for Shay because she's made great strides in her weight loss. Danny votes for Amanda because he feels that Shay needs more time there. Liz also votes for Amanda because she says she's playing the game. So it's up to Rudy who votes for Shay. Shay is officially out. Shay says she's done pleasing others and wants to be herself.

We see Shay and Daniel after the show, and they are doing well. Daniel's family has never seen him so thin, and Shay's husband barely recognizes her. She says she plans to lose more than 212 pounds to break the record for most weight lost on Biggest Loser. Daniel's grandma is pretty adorable because she screeches "COME TO GRANDMA!!!" and gives him a big hug. Also, she clearly did that awesome old person thing where she drew her eyebrows on too high.

We see Daniel's friend Dave who was on the show with him last season. He's still pretty huge but says he doesn't feel unhealthy. Daniel tells us he's making excuses but he's there for Dave when he's ready. We learn that Daniel has lost 215 pounds and has a girlfriend. We never see a before and after photo of Shay, so that either means that she hasn't lost much more weight or...Yeah, I have no idea. But hopefully she's doing just as well as Daniel.

That's it for this week, Gasmii! I'll try to get last night's episode up soon and redeem myself for the lateness of this one.

love!!!
MandaMo
xoxo

We open this week at the gates of hell.

Desperate Fag Hag roommate is probably off working one of her nineteen jobs so she can support Brett, so Gary takes him to get the boot off his car in his giant tiny penis truck. And shocker! Brett can't get the boot off his car because he doesn't have current registration papers. LOL. He vows to be more responsible, thanks the government worker for her time, and goes on a long journey of becoming a self sufficient adult. Kidding! He sits in the truck and dials government agencies on his iPhone demanding they fire the employee who "fucked up my life" by not bending the registration rules for him. I am so glad he found someone else to blame for his idiocy so Janna can have a breakfast in peace.

The DMV is out to get me! Where are my civil rights? I was in that office for an hour and no one gave me lunch! WAAHAHWHAHWAHWAHWAWAAAHHHHH

Do you know who I am? I get coffee for Jen something who runs some agency that sends out people to dress c listers! Well I was until I got fired. Because of YOU! I WILL SHUT YOU DOWN!! ...Yes food stamps and healthcare sound great send them to my desperate roommate's address plz.

Gary and Brett go to do laundry at the same laundromat I go to! Well, actually, I drop mine off with the little Asian ladies next door. Everything comes back in a perfect cube, and I don't have to deal with people like, well, like Brett and Gary.

One day get a real job and stop by Sunny Cleana. Warning, she will tell you to bathe and get a haircut. Sunny don't fuck around.

Gary gets Brett some quarters. It's half because he's nice and half because he doesn't want that homeless smell in his giant tiny penis truck anymore. And I know this is already a pic heavy recap, but you guys, I have to show you Gary's laundry bag.

LOL

Brett tells us that he has no job...he has no money...he has no....hey buddy let's focus on the positive. You have an endless supply of Aqua Net, and that's gonna get you...nowhere.

Don't like my hair? DMV.

He gets a call from Jen and guess what? HE GOT HIS JOB BACK. Ugh. This is actually great news, cuz you know he's gonna fuck up again and we'll get to see him fired again. YAY! He's thrilled. Jen tells us that she thinks he's talented but he's only got one shot to not f it up. Guess what Gary does? He squeals!

Privately, though, he tells us that it sucks that there are now five people in the competition instead of four. The next day, Tara comes to pick up Brett and the first thing she tells him is "your room smells like asshole." HAHAHAH. She tells us that both he and his house need to get burned down.

Janna shows up at Jen's house for some big news. Jen tells her that Brett is back and he was responsible for his own mistakes but Janna's still a bitch for encouraging him and backstabbing is not what families do. What the hell kinda family did she come from? Jen asks flat out "are you bitchy? Were you trying to get him in trouble?" Beat. Pause. A minute passes.

I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat!

Jen gets sick of waiting so instead she ends it by telling Janna to be less of a twat in the future. Janna apologizes and guess who she's working with today! Brett and Tara! Producers should have control over all our lives. They would be way more interesting and meaningful. Janna goes outside and apologizes to Brett. He says he's gonna focus on work and blaming the DMV for his shitty life.

Gary and Cody are together today for a Julie job. Cody shows up in a suit, and Gary shows up in a mailman's casual Friday uniform.

Their job today is Tyler Hilton, who's some twenty year old who looks sixty. I hope someone thinks to force some fish oil pills and about a gallon of water down his throat. Lubrication can change your entire look, Tyler!

He's a dye job away from Taylor Hicks.

Tyler's doing a live performance tonight at a TJ Maxx opening or something. Julie tells them what she wants them to pull and then makes Gary write it down and repeat back to her what she just asked for.

Damn these glasses! They've failed me again!

He has no idea, cuz he's afflicted with the dreaded ADD (sad horns and a visit from Ty Pennington), but Cody does. Julie tells us that she likes Gary but he needs to stop being such a bimbo. I don't think stupidity can be fixed by a reprimand, but it's good to see someone try. ADD is a serious, serious illness Julie!! It's like cancer! Or AIDS! Or...no wait it's not like those things at all. What was I talking about? Gary follows her around asking questions that she's already answered, and she answers by asking Cody what she said. LOL. Cody is not gonna make many friends here, but he's probably gonna win. Gary is hurt. Which means no squealing. Boooo!

Jen and her team will be working for a band called Chester French today. Their music video is all about punching each other in the face, which I wholeheartedly approve of. After just ten seconds of their shit song I wanna do the same thing. Jen sends the girls to one store and takes Brett with her to H&M. Brett tells her that he doesn't have a car, and Jen says that in LA that's against the rules. Like fatness. And your original body parts. And books. He admits to the boot, and Jen asks him what else he's fucked up today. There's a long moment of silence while he wonders whether or not to tell her he took twenty bucks from her purse. Janna pipes up and offers her car to Brett. Jen smiles evilly, knowing that he'll probably drive it off a bridge.

Brett tells us that it was really nice of Janna to loan her her car cuz he would never do that for anybody. And there's just another reason Brett will always suck. Over at the H&M showroom, Brett picks a lot of plaid. And some red pants. Jen comes in to check on him, and he pitches his pulls. She loves what he pulled, but gives more credit to H&M for being the perfect store for the band. In Gary's giant tiny penis truck, he offers to set Cody up with some cute girls, but Cody says he's after Julie!! Oh man Cody just got interesting.

Jen shows up to check on Janna and Tara's pulls. Jen starts off completely unimpressed, and doesn't grow out of it. She says they pulled too conservatively, but it doesn't look conservative from this angle. It's like a Lion's Club meeting in Tampa.

Jen gets a call from the artist's publicist. The kid's sick, so they're gonna have to switch gears and work on some dude named Max, who wants to wear a dress for his show tonight. LOL. Jen doesn't bat an eyelash. She's mad about having to switch plans so fast, but not about finding a decent dress for a dude. Cody and Gary move on to a men's store and pull lots of simple jeans and plaids and sweaters. Well, Cody does. He thinks that his pulls are way better than Gary's. I haven't seen his pulls, but they have to be better than Gary's.

Cut to Brett driving Janna's car while reading something and rolling backwards, not paying attention. BLAM! He hits a car. HAHAHAHAHA. Well, he didn't drive it off a bridge like I predicted, but I suspect that's only cuz it would have messed up his troll hair. The guy he hit is kinda cool about it, maybe. I can't remember because I'm really shallow and the dude is really hot, in a greasy cheesy LA kinda way.

This is the kinda guy I run into on purpose. It's called GAME, people.

Cody and Gary show up to a rehearsal space to meet Julie and fit Taylor Hicks. Cody has put stickers on everything to make "a lasting impressing" on Julie. Shhhh. Don't speak. Gary pitches his pulls first. Julie basically just wears this face the whole time.

Then it's Cody's turn. She loves it. Gary stands back, completely squealless. Julie whips out some salt and starts pouring it in his wound. She wants Cody to stay and help her while Gary goes off to hunt down a mirror. Snapple.

Squeeeeeealllll!

He's mortified. Alone with Cody now, Julie yammers on about appreciating his work ethic and Cody tells us they know what each other is thinking without saying a word. I don't know when he came to that conclusion cuz Julie hasn't stfu for one second. But Cody's in love, so he's reading into shit. Then he winks. More than once. EW. Cody must be overthrown. I hope Janna's still got some fight in her.

I'll be here all week!

Cody asks Julie about herself. After sparing no detail about being born to a dragon-y looking dude with bullhorns and loving softball and eating birds heads as a kid, she gets to the more palatable stats. She interned for Lacriox, which frees me up to post my favorite clip of all time.

Julie went to University of Arizona, and Cody went to Arizona state! And that's love! Brett meets Max, the dude who wants a dress, and his publicist at a hotel room. I give Brett five minutes to steal the sunglasses right off Max's face, cuz those are right up his alley. When the police arrive, he'll blame Sandra Bullock's "All About Steve" for his crimes.

Talor Hick's manager is his dad, a la Beyonce. He meets with the styling team. Gary has found a mirror, but they only have fifteen minutes cuz the girl he got it from needs it back. Julie keeps it and tells him to give the girl money for it and while he's at it, get her some coffee. Gary asks us "what's next, Advil? I'm not your bitch, girl!" Um....yes. Yes you are. Light on milk, two sugars, and some Bufferin, stat. He leaves pissily and Julie gives us a look like "can you believe his tude?" hahaha. Cody is thrilled that Gary's taking it up the cornhole, so to speak. Gary finally gets back with coffee, and Taylor Hicks has chosen Cody's look. Sad horns. The look is done, now all Cody and Gary have to do is get the clothes to the OC without screwing it up. Meanwhile, Brett is still alone with the client, and he's doing a bang up job.

HAHAHAHAHAH

Max is hilarious. Jen shows up and tells him there are more clothes on their way up, and Max says there better be cuz he's worried and he's a big celebrity. LOL. Can he be an intern? I heard his band. It might actually be a step up. Jen knows how to deal with his craziness, and just talks to him like he works for her. Love Jen. She's impressed with how "alive" Brett is, and completely annoyed with how lame Tara and Janna are. Ma tries on a dress, and it's hard for even the stylists to load a bunch of "you look fabulous" bs onto him. After an awkward pause, Jen says "I think you need a cardigan." This show needs to run longer than Cheers.

Max loves the look, which now boasts the old man robe and a giant chain necklace. He thinks that people will think he's gay, but he's not, and that's good. The youth of our times. I don't get it, but I absolutely love it. These people are gonna rule the world soon, and it will be a much happier, higher, more sexually ambiguous world. Mr. President, Russia is threatening to attack. Again.

Tell Russia their nukes can suck my cock. But not in a gay way.

Over at the Taylor Hicks gig, Julie spouts off items that Taylor can keep and things he can't. If they don't come back with one thing they're supposed to they're dead! And Cody and Julie's relationship will be over! Other job. Brett tells Janna that her car went into reverse and hit a Range Rover. LOL. The car's fault. Julie hears this and freaks out. Brett tries to soothe them by reminding them that it wasn't just anyone he hit. It was Madonna's choreographer. LOL. In that case, thanks Brett! He looks like he feels really bad though.

OC Gig - The lead singer will go on even though he was so sick. He tries to be funny and charming and odd, but we already met Max so he's just a big pool of fail. He loves the pink pants Brett pulled, and most of the items he picks are Brett. Tara and Janna just stand around quietly and offer nothing, and Jen's not pleased. Really, Brett was the perfect pick for this gig.

Jen loves what Brett did and he will not be getting fired. The Janna car crash thing is now forgotten. He'll probably get a bonus for that one, cuz Janna's an ahole. The team gets to watch the concert, and the guys look like runaway homeless teens on Hwood Blvd, which is what they're going for. People from Harvard like to look poor so they seem more relatable.

Other concert. Gary and Cody are missing a belt and some dog tags, and Cody is already trying to blame Gary. Cody is insistent on getting the belt. So much so that he goes up to Hicks in the middle of signing autographs to rip the belt off him. Cody thinks he was super smooth, but I'm wondering how long it's gonna take Beyonce's mortified father to put a call into Julie.

The next morning, Julie is pissed that they got the belt cuz Hicks was supposed to keep it. She's mortified that he went up and asked for a belt in the middle of signing autographs. Relationship over. Even though she says that she wouldn't have been surprised if Gary did something so stupid but she is surprised that it was Cody, Gary smiles big. He might have been dissed, but he won't be getting coffee today.

Cody thinks that she's overreacting and they can just mail it back, but Julie's mind is completely changed and thinks now that Gary is smarter than Cody. HAHAHAHAHAH. Stupid Cody. Ranking time!! Jen's office - Jen is annoyed with Janna for being quiet and says she would help her with her shyness but she's not a shrink. Tara was quiet and not helpful either, but Brett kicked ass and she's glad she gave him another chance. She's mortified that Cody stole Taylor Hicks' belt, and Gary is defensive, saying he doesn't have anything to brag about but it's because he had to run errands for Julie. Jen's like yeah no one cares. Brett is first, Cody's second, Gary's third, Tara is fourth. Tara is pissed. She says that she isn't supposed to chat too much on set, and Jen tells her not being annoying is different than being dull as dishwater. Then Tara secretly plans to put Jen's dentures in her ass cheeks when she's not home and fill all her Lady Rogaine bottles with peanut butter.

Next week, Cody gets pissed cuz someone's calling him gay and someone else is spreading rumors that he's banging Julie (JANNA!). I'll be there!

This week was pretty damn pathetic.
Don't get me wrong, I was entertained and I got a couple of good belly laughs out of it, but the loser factor of these women's lives has rocketed into the stratosphere. Once again I am simply amazed that they are so unselfaware that they allow their vile behavior to be filmed season after season, and a new one signed up for the same crap! What does this Alex Bellino chick think is going to happen? Is she expecting to miraculously get flattering editing? Did she send Miss Andy a case of Mouton Cadet and a lifetime of free veneers in exchange for the kid glove treatment? I mean please, Bravo does not hire housewives with 'couth' and 'tact.' They want the ones who think that that's the name of a new Irish pub in Newport Beach.

One potato, two potato, three potato, ho.

Unreal. Mama Jeana utters what we've all been saying since last season- that Tamra is a mean girl who has no right to judge. Do tell! Does she have skeletons too? I'll be honest here, I missed (avoided) all her weepy Daddy issue crap from last season and I have no idea what she did when she was younger because, guess what? There was no internet for HER naked pictures to be splashed all over when SHE was young and stupid. There have to be some, though. Her first husband was probably just the type to take a bunch, if Nugget's daddy is any indication. Notice: If you have any naughty Tamra photos, I bet The Dirty or TMZ would pay good money for them. I, on the other hand, am willing to pony up a pair of gently used reading glasses for any Tamra before the boob job pictures. I wouldn't be needing them anymore after the hysterical blindness. Just promise to hook me up with wicked cool cane and a nice Labrador Retriever that is trained to change channels and doesn't get sick from licking up xanax tainted spilled Syrah. Or one of those St. Bernards from olde timey cartoons that carries brandy in a barrel around his neck. Whatever dulls the pain faster.

Speaking of dogs...

Crackie and Tamra are teetering down the hallway to the hotel elevator spewing more bile. I love that Crackie says that Gretchen is toxic almost as much as I love the fact that Tamra is 41. I would really, really love for Gretchen to be truly evil to her. You know- be the chick that says, "Oh, so you'll be 55 when Sophia graduates high school," or "I bet those sock hops were fun," or "Do you have any clothes I could borrow for the Roaring Twenties party next week?" Or my personal favorite, "Tamra honey, I saw this article on vaginal dryness in the paper and cut it out for you. It's on your fridge taped next to the picture of Annette Funicello that you use to inspire yourself to stay slim. Oh, wait. You call those ice boxes, right?" I know I digress but I have one little story. I have a niece who has a name very similar to Miz Barney and is just as big a bitch. One day I was frantically carting her vehicle impaired ass along with her two kids around on errands. She turns to me and remarks on how I had it so easy since I was in a relationship and "didn't have to worry about my looks so much" and "it must be nice not to get your period any more." I was 42! Surprisingly, we don't speak to each other anymore. But don't feel bad for me. It's all good. My biggest worry is losing five pounds after the holidays, while hers is checking to make sure that Lane Bryant still makes her size. Tamra's biggest worry st this point is trying not to look like an even bigger cunt than she looked last week and, Joy! She fails! She actually makes fun of Gretchen for crying when Jeff died! I do not care if it's true, as Crackie says, that she would have never dated Jeff if he didn't have money. HE sure didn't seem to care. If I was rich, single and dying of cancer you better believe that I'd be on the arm of the cutest surfer boy with the biggest wang to ever see the inside of a pair of Jams. I'd buy him whatever the hell he wanted so long as he made my last days rabbit free yet orgasmic.

And why wouldn't she cry? She watched someone die. And since when does that bitch get to pick and choose what is appropriate grief and what isn't? Oh, Tamra. You are going to get yours, and we only have to wait until the end of this week's show. No one croaks, in case you were worried, no matter how much Simon might wish that he could skip off to a Tamra-less hereafter.

"I only want to be around wholesome, family oriented people." That's right, Tamra said that.
You mean the ones that get drunk with their sons in nightclubs while trying to pick up girls for them? The ones who stick silicone sacks in their chests and then hit their sons for disfiguring themselves with tattoos? Yeah, you have fun in delusionland, reading your bible while sitting on your rabbit. While you're at it, why don't you ask it for a job? They seem to be the only thing working steadily in Orange County.

It's funny. Slurry didn't sell a single cuff at the party. Maybe she should trick them out with a little compartment for crack or valium, or include some with the purchase like the useless lipsticks and crap that Clinique gives you when you buy some 'Happy' perfume before Mother's Day. Nah, never mind. That's like a drug dealer who does drugs. She'd be smoking up all the merchandise and end up living on the streets whoring out her daughter, and we all know that would never happen.

Gretchen still doesn't get why Tamra hates her so much. Jeana says that it's because of her background, which is interesting. All I know is that she was spoiled rotten until her dad left her mom. Then what? She was poor for a year? Once again, what is the logic here? I know that Jeana is trying to be fair or something in explaining away Tamra's behaviour but there is no excuse.

My best friend lost her mom to cancer in 11th grade, should she be allowed to get away with child trafficking now? The bartender at my favorite restaurant had a miscarriage last month. I'll tell that to the judge when she's arrested for DUI. And I had a hangnail yesterday, so I'm gonna go kill me some orphaned kittens. Be right back.

Couldn't find any. Saw some little rabbits that looked good but there were crazy middle aged blond ladies with Cavalli sundresses hiked up around their waists chasing them around in a frenzy.

To lighten her mood and reset her life to it's revamped, renewed repugnant center, the hooker of the O.C. is having a spray tan party! I don't know about you but I've never had a spray tan party and they sure sound super fun. I would love to get trashed and have a perfect stranger spray my body the color of a traffic cone.

The punch bowl is full of some kind of yummy alcoholic beverage. It's pink so it's probably some sort of berry mix or that bubblegum flavored vodka, who knows? What I do know is that it's not red so it can't be Tamra's house.

.

Plus, she can't afford the virgin blood anymore

I love that picture.

Yeah, that's a joke, but do you honestly think that if Merck or Pfizer marketed a youth serum that contained human virgin blood, that these women wouldn't take it? Puh-lease. They'd kill the virgins themselves and then justify it because of overpopulation.
I'd take it myself only I'm beautiful enough as it is. No need to fan the flames of jealousy that surround me. They're plenty high already. That was a joke, by the way.

Gretchen's mommy is there and HD strikes again. Didn't she get a face lift last year? Where is it? Do they wear off? Did Tamra track her down and drink her blood? Yikes.

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Her neck looks as beat up as a file folder in the foreclosure department of Orange County hall of records.<

She bolsters up her baby girl's ego with platitudes that good mommies have been handing down for generations and then Slade throws in some high comedy. No, I'm not talking about the sock he put on his cock in the tanning tent, I'm talking about the jab he makes at Tamra. He says that she's never been successful at anything in her life and has nothing better to do but obsess over Gretchen. Oh my God, did you two get your job descriptions mixed up? Cuz that is exactly your M. O., Deadbeat Dickhead. I hope you get cancer. And Joseph Mengele is your doctor. Carrie Prejean can feed you nightshade while reading passages from Revelations and pleasuring herself with Gretchen's corded vibrator, and Satan is officially on probation. He better step up his game because you and Tamra are showing him up big time. Hold your horses, the party isn't over yet. Slurry arrives with her 16 year old daughter. She's the one who wore such a trampy dress last season that even Roman Polanski wouldn't touch her. Still, she's the good daughter. The other one is a symphony of parental failure. Remember when Raquel was drinking her way through bowling alleys last year? Well, it rubbed off on Alexa. She surreptitiously asks her mom if she can have a beer at the party. She says that she needs it for relaxation, tanning parties being so stressful and all.

It's worse than being a cop or an air traffic controller, I tell you!

Slurry acts all shocked but Alexa calls her out for letting her drink at home. That's right, after all the bad press last year, she is still letting her underage daughters drink at home.
Hey, Lynn. Stop eating cuff glue and start parenting your kids. Better yet, send them to Crackie's house. They'll beg to come home and never misbehave again.

Whatever, nobody cares, it's time for the important part, improving one's appearance. Gretchie strips down to a bikini and Slurry takes off her top. Say what you want about these two but they do have banging bodies. If they worked half as hard on their brains we'd have the cure for cancer by now.

Gretchen is one of those touchy-feely gals, the kind that get tipsy and lovey-dovey, hugging perfect strangers and experimenting with cute girls in nightclub bathrooms. She doesn't hesitate to put her hands over Slurry's boobs in front of the cameras.
Hey Gretchen.

Could you move those hands a little higher?

The party's over, everyone is a perfect shade of kumquat and we move on to the next day for this week's installment of the mean girl's lunch. For some reason they are dressed almost exactly alike- same style top and mini skirt, and long necklaces that are knotted at the bottom. That must be what passes for non-sleazy luncheon casual.

More enabling from Crackie as she tells Tamra that she didn't go too far at the cuff dinner fiasco. If anything, she didn't go far enough! Why don't you two just burn her in the center of Laguna already? You know you want to.

Their meals arrive and I have to ask, what in the name of Padma are these two eating?

Entire heads of iceberg lettuce? Maybe the salad's cheaper if you cut it up yourself.

Tamra's finances come up. It seems that the only money coming in is from Simon's investment in El Conde Tequila. It's not selling enough to pay the bills which is surprising. I seem to remember reading that booze was the one thing that proved to be recession proof. Does it taste terrible, Gasmii? I don't drink that stuff. Last time I did I ended up promising Flipit that I'd recap My Antonio and we know how that turned out.

She tells Crackie that they are going to have to sell their house and downsize. Crackie looked shocked but she's secretly gleeful because she has yet another thing to judge somebody for, commenting in interviews that Simon needs to get a day job. When Tam tells her that their property taxes are $2,000 a month she remarks that she needs to get a job too. Once again, behind her back. Because that's what Jesus would do.

As soon as he finishes shoving Coto into the Pacific.

It'll only take one really good earthquake, you know.
Meanwhile, Mama Jeana is showing a house. Her market is palaces in the over $2 million range. Today she is showing one that was originally 16 but got bumped down to 12. If she makes tha sale she'll earn a $300,000 commission and won't have to sell any cars or watches this month to pay the ConEd bill.

A generic O.C. couple takes a tour and I am left with a strange impression. For all the wealth and grandeur, not to mention the Malcolm Forbes furniture, it all feels stale and tired, not sumptuous and fabulous. Oh no! The recession is starting to get to the ottomans and armoires too! Do they make Paxil infused Pledge?

I think I saw a suicidal end table in the 5th living room.

Things are much happier at Casa de Crackhead because the Crackie ladies are going to Italy! Talk about night and day. Jeana is trying to decide which Thomas Kincaid to sell to pay Jenny Craig while Crackie is flummoxed by whittling her packing down to 30 pairs of shoes.

The trip is going to be just the girls, including Nana. Yeah, Nana! The one person on the planet that gets under Crackie's skin almost as much as Crackie gets under ours. And kudos to Brianna for not murdering her mother for the millionth time as she packs enough outfits for an entire summer in Boca. Who wears one ensemble for cocktails and then another for dinner? Who does she think she is, Doris Duke?

More like Edie Beale, only without the staunch character.

Gretchen is having her garage sale today and Slade is there with her AGAIN douching up the place. By the way, I apologize to all gays out there for saying that I thought that Slade was one of you last week. I take it all back. No one with that shitty a sense of humor deserves to be called gay. I'm still willing to stick something large up his ass, though.

There's plenty of time for his lame ass jokes since no one is showing up to buy anything. Shocking. I thought that every fame seeker in Southern California was born being able to sniff out a film crew. This is just sad. Even they don't want anything to do with them. The only thing that gets sold is a wine rack, something she could probably still use.

I think that this sale is all for show. They are trying to convince us that they're poor. And did you see Slade's shirt?

So daddy's little helpers are drugs and alcohol. Yeah, have a blast cuddling up to your gin while Grayson is being pumped full of chemo, you prick. I hope that he makes a full recovery and when you end up in the hospital suffering from whatever disease Karma sends your way, he gifts you with a nice big bouquet of FUCK OFF AND DIE. This next scene is weird. The show is set in Orange County, not Middle Earth, right?

So then why are there Orks?

I jest but only slightly. Slurry and her oldest alcoholic daughter are trekking on over to the Plastic Surgeon's office. They are in a room waiting for the doctor when Slurry tells Raquel that she doesn't need any work done yet, that she's already perfect, like a Playboy bunny. Good job, Slurry. Passing that delusion right on to the next generation. Don't reinforce her intellect or anything because that would never be constructive, no. Base everything in life on looks. Matter of fact, I think I know how to solve our economic crisis and make you money! We'll ship you and your kind over to China where you can be a guidance counsellor, motivating young girls into nudie mags and reality shows. Then and only then, maybe our country can get back on track. The doctor begins his consultation by taking one look at Slurry, screaming and hanging himself in a corner, all the while wishing he had gone into a less scary practice, like hippo root canals or penile cancer. The next one is legally blind and he tells her that he is going to trade her Uraki face for a nice Hobbit one, and everybody is happy!

Except the mirror.

Slurry is exstatic and says that she hopes her daughters learn from her and look as good as she does when they're 80. Not 45, 80. Does this woman even know English?

Actually, 80 is pretty accurate.

Raquel has her consultation and says that she wants surgery to help fix her self esteem and jealousy issues. She calls Alexa a supermodel and we get to watch her epileptic runway walk from last season. Seriously, why does she march like a sousaphone player at band camp? Oh well, when modeling bikinis on street corners gets old, she can always switch to majorette uniforms.

So Raquel got a Beemer last year and this year she's getting a nose job. That'll solve all her problems. Once that little bump is gone she'll miraculously wake up a brain surgeon or Fortune 500 CEO. Wow.

Slurry is all excited because she won't have to go through recovery alone, she can hold her daughter's hand and they can share Percocet and Valium prescriptions, such important parts of the mother/daughter bonding process.
Who's up for unplugging some ventilators?

Or detonating some roadside bombs?

Crackie and company are ensconced in their teeny Roman hotel where they can't even turn around in their $572 suite because of all the luggage in it. Nana's already bitching about going home and nurse Brianna doesn't want to touch the bed because people have probably had sex on it.

Somebody hand her a blue light so Crackie will freak out and we'll be spared the "Woo hoo's."

They head outside and into a minivan for a guided tour of the city. Nana says inappropriate things about the bloodthirstyness of ancient Rome and I nominate her for the Nobel Prize in buzzkilling. Everything is boring, whatever, so what. She even pronounces that the Knights of Malta are "stupid," as Crackie is ooing and ahhing. I could be shtupping Mr. McSlore in a doorway of the Coliseum and she'd probably walk by and engage me in a conversation about how the humidity is ruining her perm, and did I have any corn pads in my purse because she forgot to pack hers.

I think she would rather have rented a DVD on the sights of Italy and watched it out of the corner of her eye while she was on the phone to Maggie her gin rummy partner complaining about how much Crackie has changed.

They go shopping and Bri tries on a linen and satin dress that even Chicos rejected as a bad design. The shopgirl tells her that she looks great and not to complain about how it makes her boobs look huge. She's really just excited since that dress has been sitting there for several months waiting for the right tourist sucker to fall for her line of B.S. and buy it.

To put the icing on the bad American tourist cake, they head out to a meal in an Italian restaurant where they don't even try to speak the language. That poor waiter does his best to explain the menu but Crackie is not getting it. I don't get it. They packed seven pieces of luggage and not one english/italian dictionary? Or how about one of you whips out your iPhone and googles a clue?

Crackie's also upset because she heard that Italian men are big flirts but the waiter isn't kissing her ass. Oh, they are big pusshounds, Crackie, they are, trust me. I lived there for a while and I can attest to the vehemence of their pursuit. I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe they're allergic to pork.

They manage to order an amazing dish of pasta and black truffles onto which the waiter grates huge slivers of Parmesan. That's one of the great things about Italy. It's hard to have a bad meal there. Not even evil crackheads can screw it up.

Back in the States, Slurry is taking her girls out to lunch where Raquel tells Alexa that mommy is buying her a nose job. Alexa is really sweet, telling her sister that she doesn't want her to change, that she's perfect just the way she is and then she freaks the fuck out. Full on hysteria in the bathroom.

She's upset for many reasons- the trauma of having those around you change while you stay the same, being ignored while your sibling gets everything they want and the rampant materialism that has infected her family. Very valid points but what does Slurry say?
"Is that all this is about?"

I'm sorry, Alexa. I'm sorry that it's too late for CPS to save you. I'm sorry that your mother was created in a sac under a tree by Saruman and allowed to procreate instead of dying at Minis Tirith. I am so sorry that your sister gets all the attention because she has "self esteem issues."

Raquel says, "Don't you want us to feel good about ourselves and be happy?" That is the oldest lame argument in the world for doing something that cannot be justified any other way. Poor Alexa looks like she's going to throw up. She needs to get away from these awful people. Maybe Brianna still has the number of her army recruiter. Things make more sense in Iraq. Okay, maybe not but at least the reconstructive surgery they get over there isn't elective or done to boost their self confidence or body dysmorphia.

As if that little scene wasn't vile enough, we move on to this week's minute long vignette. Tamra can't afford a housekeeper any more so everybody pitches in to clean. Such sacrifices, I'm getting teary.

Bah.
You know what is truly sad? Being born to shop but not having the means to do so. It's like what Jon Stewart said last night about the irony of gay people not being able to marry. Then why did God make them such good wedding planners? Huh? Huh?

Jeana and Kara are in a mall. Jeana Jr. transfered to UCLA and belongs to a sorority that everyone on campus refers to as VisaVisaMastercard because he girls are so rich. Not so much for Kara. She can only spend $200 today because it's what she makes waiting tables on a good night.

What a concept! A 20 year old girl in college with a job and aspirations! How refreshing! I actually like her. Too bad she probably can't afford a really nice gown for her sorority formal.

Maybe Shane will let her borrow one of his old ones.

She did get boobs, though. Who paid for them? That creepy uncle who isn't really an uncle that ogled her in the pool the first two seasons and took bike rides with Slade? I wonder if Deadbeat Dickhead sold any of his skittles colored unitards at the garage sale.

If not, I bet I could fashion a pretty decent noose out of one. Just sayin'.

Simon and Tamra decide to spend some of those tequila dividends on a dinner out with Alex, the new girl, and her husband Jim. The contrast between the two couples is startling. Jim and Alex joke and boast about their sex life just like Tamra used to. It's a classic case of the shoe being on the other foot, as they are forced to sit there with their empty love tanks while another couple chats about never being apart and she butters his damn bread for him. What a good little gold digger Alex is. I bow to your superior skills but what grown man lets a woman "make a plate" for him?

And this guy? Come on.

Dude must be LOADED.

As much as I feel sorry for Simon for being married to that cunt Tamra, he isn't making any points for himself by bringing up how much he tells Tamra, "I told you so."

Being right doesn't get you laid at night.

He puts her down for her incompetence and the fact that she never listens to him and she can't down her martini fast enough. And what is it with her saying that she obeys him? Who says that? Last I checked neither one of them were Muslim.

Alex tries to defend Tam by saying that she's the kind of girl that needs to learn things for herself, and she's all up in Simon's face going, "See, see! She gets me! Are you listening?" Sure, okay, everybody need to make their own mistakes, but if you are 41 and still haven't figured out beauty fades but bimbo is forever, it's a little too late for you.

Are you listening Tamra?

God, bickering couples are boring. No one is dying to take sides in your never ending tales of marital woe. That's why God invented shrinks, go find one.

But we're not done with the Barneys just yet. A real estate agent is coming over to go over the listing of their built from the ground up $400,000 in upgrade rock waterfalled folly of a mansion. It was worth 1.7 mil only four years ago and Mr. Agent Man doesn't come out and say what the listing price is going to be but I bet it's a little more than half that.

They have zero equity so they won't have any money to put into another home and sorry, but that little subprime thing went bust a while ago so no easy loans for you. I don't know what they are going to do and I don't care. Wait, scratch that.
She could ask Crackie for a loan.

That would be fabulous television.

We end the show with a weepy Tamra who cannot believe that they are going to have to move. Why is she crying so hard? Because it's the only home that Sophia has ever known. Really? So you don't buy Gretchen's grief over a dead human being and I am supposed to believe that you're sad because your three year old has to downgrade to smaller digs.

Bummer. She can cry all she wants. I know what I am going to do.

I'm going to go hop on Mr McSlore for the second time today while you grumble into your bottom shelf margarita and Gretchen buys your house for peanuts, only to demolish it and send it back to you piece by piece. You and Simon can put your rock waterfall back together behind your used double wide by the light of the moon after you finish second shift at the truck stop sandwich counter. No more huge mortgages to worry about, only where to hide the bodies when virgins start to go missing from the trailer park shortly after your arrival.

Or maybe she'll take pity on you and keep the house and hire you on as housekeeper. Simon can be the pool boy and your kids can landscape while Nugget's daddy rubs Gretchen's feet.
There. Problem solved.

Is there anyone more awful in TV land? Is it even possible? If the Mayan calendar is correct and 2012 is the end of the world, I'm staying far, far away from Tamra. You'd be wise to as well.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore

]]> 2009-11-17T19:39:25Z 2009-11-17T11:38:45-08:00 tag:www.tvgasm.com,2009:/shows//1.11070 2009-11-17T19:38:45Z

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan does a little comm-serve time for, you know, shooting her neighbor (not that Katherine didn't deserve it, because we all know she TOTALLY did); Angie finds out Bree's secret; Gabby is still. Trying....

Hypnotoad Desperate Housewives This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan does a little comm-serve time for, you know, shooting her neighbor (not that Katherine didn't deserve it, because we all know she TOTALLY did); Angie finds out Bree's secret; Gabby is still. Trying. To get. Juanita. Back in school. Please, Cherry, let's just end that soon, mmkay? And Lynette keeps trying to hide her pregnancy. Does it work? Wait and se -- okay, fine, it doesn't. And there's another strangling! But it's probably no one you care about.

The no one you care about strangler is on the loose!

]]> Mary Alice tells us about Judge Mary Gallagher, who apparently has a sense of humor when it comes to sentencing. Objection, your honor! Sustained. For instance, she sentences a slum-lord to live in his own building for a month. That's so original, because it's exactly like that movie "The Super" with Joe Pesci. And that episode of Will and Grace when Will made Karen do that. She also made someone who pulled a Naomi Campbell and threw her phone at her maid clean the maid's house for a week. Oh, ironic punishment, thy name is Mary Gallagher. And sarcasm, thy name is Hypnotoad.

This hammer thing is confusing.

What does all this matter to us? It doesn't really, except that she's the judge for the whole Susan-shot-Katherine debacle. Before ruling, Katherine, wearing a leopard-print pillbox hat that wouldn't look good on a county garbage dump, goes up to the judge to tell her that Susan also trash-talked her around the neighborhood. And you know what? I'm just gonna say it, because it's now official: I hate Katherine. I was holding out for some shred of awesomeness that she had in season 4, but no. It's not there. So, yeah, Cherry, you ruined her, and I hate her. So there. Blah blah judge blah, turns out Susan's sentence is to pick up trash in the Fairview State Park. It used to be called the Fairview Wisteria Lane Dead Body Dumping Ground, but the city council voted to change it last year. Credits.

Jackie O. No

Over at The Coffee Cup, which is the laziest and least clever name for a fictional coffee shop ever, people drink coffee and read their papers, and there's probably at least one guy sitting at a table with his macbook writing a script about a time-traveling vampire who falls in love with a robot or Mormon werewolf or something while they're being chased by Nazi cannibal zombies with chainsaws. Something Eli Roth wouldn't be ashamed to direct. Or write. But he should. Be ashamed, I mean.

Also, "The Coffee Cup" is the title of tonight's episode, and I'm not quite sure that's the title of a Sondheim song, but whatever. I'm not going to get into that. Angie's standing at the counter, just, you know, greeting the morning, waiting for her cuppa joe, ready to get things started and -- oh, shit, in walks Homewrecker Mayer (a.k.a. Julie) who tries to make small talk about caffeine, and you know what? Even if she didn't sleep with my husband and was desperately trying to avoid that by making excruciating small talk, I'd still turn around and tell her to shut the hell up. Perky is not cool, you guys. Angie's like, Hey Slut, don't try to pull that crap with me cuz I KNOW you played the bang-bang game with my husband, so when you see me, you need to act ashamed and keep the comments to yourself. Then she makes Julie pay for her coffee. Nice.

Damn. I just dropped out of college. I was gonna ask to borrow two dollars.

Over at Lynette's, she's wearing Tom's clothes so she can hide the twins. And I don't mean boobs, I mean twins. Actual twin fetuses. Feti? No, fetuses is right. Tom's like, "Hey, I was going to wear that to class today." Were you? Were you, Tom? Because I'm pretty sure you were going to wear a gray or dark gray Fruit of the Loom pocket tee. Am I right, folks? Tom's says he's still attracted to Lynette in men's clothes, and "what does that mean?" Look, Tom, it's just like that thing that happened that time you were watching The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. It's called an erection, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, okay honey?

Lynette says she's got to pull off the hiding-pregnancy deal for two more days because then she'll be making The Deal of the Century and once Carlos sees that, he won't even consider firing her. Unless that deal includes the words "planned" and "parenthood," I'm pretty sure he's not going to be too cool with the pregnancy hidin'. Tom's like, "Now come here, Mister. I wanna kiss you." Lynette: "Now it's weird." Ha! Word.

No, you still can't have an Oscar for Transamerica. Stop asking!

So, Gabby heads over to the confession at Our Lady of The Only Church Our Budget Allows, and tells the priest about her struggles with home-schooling and how she tried to "bribe" someone to get her daughter into Catholic school, and the priest is like, How'd that go? And then she pulls back the screen, throws the priest some money, and is like, "You tell me." Gabby, Gabby, Gabby. If you're trying to bribe a priest, you don't use money. You use copies of Boy's Life magazine. Hey-Oh! Gabby's like, I can't deal with the 2 year waiting list! Then they throw the money back and forth, and the priest's like, You know if someone drops out, then maybe I can squeeze you in, but we do tend to help those who are, you know, active within the church. Gabby's like, Oh I gotcha -- you only want money if it's in your little tithe basket. The priest says that's not what he means.

Read my lips. Boys. Life.

Did you know Fairview has an opera house? Because apparently it does. Bree's taking Karl to his first opera. Oh, wait, they're walking back from the opera. They saw Madame Butterfly. It was so good Karl almost peed his pants. I mean, he liked it better than Pirates of Penzance. Actually, Karl hated it. Bree's hair is looking really, really great right now. So Karl wants to mack on Bree, but she ain't havin' it because they agreed not to have sex for two weeks until the divorce crap is all settled or something. Because in Bree's mind, that totally cancels out all the adultery she's previously been partaking of.

Boreson's at home, listening to something on his headphones, and when Bree comes in and asks him what he's listening to, it's -- get this -- Madame Butterfly. He takes his headphones out and plays it for Bree. Damn, what's with all the opera tonight? Am I watching Frasier? No, it's not witty or gay enough to be Frasier . . . Bree gets a little opera boner and has a mini opera-gasm while she longingly looks at Orson, and then she heads up to bed.

That whole death thing gave me a boner.

At Carlos' office, Carlos, Lynette and Random Co-Worker Terrence (who totally looks like a douche) are on a conference call. Oh my gosh, you guys -- the Florida branch is ready to open! I'm going to pause here so that you can go get that bottle of champagne or 40 year-old malt scotch you've been saving to celebrate! Oh, all our hard work, it's finally paid off, I'm so sorry for getting emotional but it's just so overwhelming. I mean, my god, the Florida branch! Finally!

News this good deserves to be shat on, and sure enough, Gabby arrives to pull her skirt down and squat over Carlos's good day. Gabby's all, Write a check to the Catholic church so that Juanita can go to Catholic school! Carlos is like, Uh, I'm kind of busy WITH WORK. Also, I wonder who's watching her kids while she's out and about? Meh, she probably just turned the gas on the oven, opened it, and told the girls to have at it.

Out in the hall, Random Co-Worker Terrence tells Gabby that St. Ursula's is great, and that his daughter loves it there -- she's in the same grade as Juannie Sue. Hmmmm . . . Carlos needs to send someone to Florida . . . and the priest told Gabby that if a student dropped out Juanita may be able to get enrolled . . . If only there were a way Gabby could use this to her advan -- oh forget it, you totally know what she's going to do. Cut to:

Lynette in Carlos' office saying, No, you can't let Terrence move to Florida! I mean, geez, this is his first episode! At least give him a chance to get strangled! Carlos is like, You trained him, so he's totally competent. And Lynette's all, "What if I get hit by a bus?" Ah, so you've been reading my recaps, eh, Lynette? Carlos tells Lynette that Terrence is going to Miami and that's final! Also, he adds, she may want to dress a little more womanly because Roberta in accounting asked him if he thought Lynette would want to go bowling some time. Sexist? Check. Homophobic? Check. Lame? Check. Funny? Meh.

Shirt on? Check. Boooooo.

Back at the park, Susan's still picking up trash with the rest of the comm-serves. Who should pull up but Katherine, drinking from a soda cup. Yeah, we all know where this is headed. Susan, quick -- run over and stab her in the eye with your pointy stick! Susan's like, At the end of the day, bitch, I go home and let my husband, Mike, screw the crap out of me, so yeah, I win. Kathy's like, Hey you missed something -- and throws her cup out the window. Susan's supervisor says that Kathy's a "moron" (damn right) and that if he had her license plate number she'd be sorry. Susan: "Really? What could you do with her home address?" Nice. And then we cut to Katherine picking up trash alongside Susan.

Back at The Coffee Cup (ugh, it just pains me to type that, that's how much I hate the name), Angie's headed inside to get another mocha, when she sees Nick inside with some waitress, who's brushing crumbs off his Kramer ensemble. So, we have opera, we have a coffee shop, we have Kramer shirts, what is this, Must-See TV Thursday 1996? Angie's all, What the hell was that? And Nick's like, She was brushing crumbs off me, is this how it's going to be every time you see me with another girl? Oh hey, Nick decided he needed an accent this week, just so you know. Nick says he'll go to counseling if she wants. Angie's all, Oh yeah, let's go tell our secrets to someone and then kill him. Aaaaahh! I legitimately, seriously want to know what their secret is! Angie wants Nick to be the way he used to be (so choose an accent and stick with it, ass): "The guy who saved my life, not the guy who destroyed it." Aaah! What is their secret?!

Hitting on the cop at your husband's murder scene. Sprint customers? Are all class.

Lynette and Tom invited Terrence and his wife, Crystal, over for dinner, you know, just for kicks with absolutely no ulterior motives whatsoever, because those are just the kind of nice people the Scavos are. Ah, no, sorry, I meant they've invited Crystal and Terrence over for dinner to shame and deceive them, because THATS the kind of people the Scavos are. Crystal tells Tom that she can't wait for "no more winter" and Tom says well, there's heat and hurricanes and "Columbian drug lords." Oh, I'm sold! Lynette tells Terrence a horror story about some guy who left Fairview for Chicago who got blamed for a screw-up, became an alcoholic, and whose wife left him. Tom tells Crystal about how humidity would really mess up her hair -- wow, Tom really DID turn gay in this episode. Lynette proposes a toast to Terrence and Crystal -- "May Miami be everything you think it will." The Scavos are evil.

Boreson is again at home, listening to Madame Butterfly and drinking wine, when Angie barges in and asks what the opera is about. Also, is it just me or is this the gayest depression ever? Wine and Madame Butterfly? I mean, crap, I sleep with dudes, but even I'm like, "Seriously?" Orson tells her that Butterfly is singing to get her lover back or whatever, but it doesn't work, so she kills herself. Angie's response: "You ever see 'Avenue Q?' With the puppets? Now, THAT'S good theatre." Hee! Now I wasn't sure about Angie at first, but she may just be the best one-season guest star ever. Oh, also, Madame Butterfly is a parallel to Boreson's life or something.

He tells Angie that Bree's always away on business but she never gets any bookings, and he thinks it's because she's having an affair. Angie poo-poos this, because she probably can't imagine Bree having sex with anyone ever. Orson says he's going to be gone on some golf trip and asks Angie to watch Bree for him, but she says no. Then, Orson says that's probably for the best because if he found out Bree was cheating on him, he'd probably do something foolish, and to illustrate this point, he plays the killing-yourself aria from Madame Butterfly. Angie looks mildly concerned, but I'm sure most of her is thinking, "Oh just hang yourself with a paisley silk scarf already -- the fans are so over you."

So...how bout those Bears?

While Katherine and Susan are busy picking up used condoms and Felicia Tilman's fingers at the park, a car drives by and blows dirt in Katherine's face, and after coughing pathetically for a good 5 minutes, she admits defeat and begins crying, saying that she lost Mike and might as well admit it. It's just that she loved Mike, and he was so great, and she'll never find a guy who can make love to her 5 times a day. Susan's like, Whaaaaaaaa?! Katherine's like, Huh, maybe I didn't lose after all. Oh, Katherine. Shut up. Just . . . shut up.

The next morning, Mike and Susan finish making love. I feel bad for Mike, having to conjure up those mental images of me just to get through it. Mike says that he needs to ask Susan what she wants for breakfast more often, Susan says "that [sex] sure beat a bowl of oatmeal," and Mike's like, "Are you kidding? That beat a waffle!" But did it beat a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity? No. I think not. Susan tells Mike they need to both call in sick and lay in bed naked all day. Doesn't Susan work at home? Who would she have to call, herself? I'd actually love to see her do that:

Susan holds her cell phone to one ear, and her house phone to the other.
SUSAN: Hey, Susan, it's Susan.
SUSAN: You're late.
SUSAN: Listen, about that, I can't come in today. I'm . . . sick. (Tiny, pathetic cough.)
SUSAN: Oh, please. You just had sex with Mike.
SUSAN: (Taken aback). How . . . How did you know that? Can you . . . Can you see me? (To Mike, panicking) Oh my god, she saw us!
MIKE: Well, yeah --
SUSAN: Shut up! She'll hear you!
MIKE: What?
SUSAN: Listen, Susan, I don't want to hear any excuses, okay? You called in sick 2 days last week, and we have a deadline coming up, and honestly, if this continues, I'm really going to have to think about your future with us.
SUSAN: No, I really am sick! I think I have . . . the swine flu. Or the bird flu. Or juvenile diabetes. Whichever one's worse, that's the one I have, so --
SUSAN: Susan! Get here now or you're fired! Do you understand? Are you hearing me? (Pause.) I need you to say you're hearing me, Susan.
SUSAN: I'm hearing you, Susan.
SUSAN: Good. Be here in five minutes. And bring me a Balance bar.
SUSAN: Fine. Goodbye.
(Susan hangs up both phones.)
SUSAN: God, what a bitch.

Annnnyyyway. Mike's putting his shirt back on, which is always stupid. He says he has to go "fix Mr. Hinkle's shower," which is our code for when Mike comes over and we get it on til the break of dawn. UH, double up! -- UH UH! Susan wisely attempts to take Mike's shirt off again. We thank you, Susan. And Mike tries to put it back on which we do not thank him for, but then he takes if off again! And he and Susan are down for the count. Now, if I were Susan, I would be doing the same thing. But Susan, seriously -- does it really take some stupid sex contest between you and Katherinsane to get you to want to do Mike all day and night? Have you seen Mike, Susan? Because I would just be naked all day long. All day long naked!!

That was fun. I'm gonna call Susan and tell her all about it.

Over at Our Lady of Bribery, Gabby offers the priest a hefty check and says that now that Terrence and his family are moving to Florida, that check may come in handy. Oh, but what's this? The priest says that they aren't moving to Florida, and then hugs Gabby, saying that when God closes a door he opens a window. But He doesn't take the screen off, so be careful. Gabby uses the hug as an opportunity to get the check back. She's so wholesome. God is looking down on her, wondering what he wrought.

Over at The Kitchen of Tomorrow, Bree is very satisfied with the cake she's icing. Angie walks in with her recycled grocery bags full of groceries (I like the message this show sends -- it's great to strangle people, and kill them and bury them in a park, or cheat on your husband/wife/lover, or steal a junkie's baby and raise it as your own, but by god if you do not recycle you are a monster!!). Angie drops this bomb: "Oh, by the way Orson thinks you're having an affair." And Bree ruins the cake. Angie: "But don't worry! I told him there's no way Bree's whorin' it up at some sleazy motel." Ha! Okay, officially my stance: Katherine out, Angie in. Angie then says that Orson asked her to spy on Bree, but she said no. Bree thanks her for this, and maintains her steely composure . . . until she gets outside. She's on the phone, yelling at Karl, telling him about this and how they shouldn't see each other until after the divorce. And who should be seeing and possibly hearing this from a window inside? Betty Applewhite! No, just kidding, it's Angie.

Gloves? These aren't affair gloves! They're cake gloves! And that can of Crisco is...for the roast beef!

Oh, crap, I forgot Susan had that art job at the school, so she DOES work outside the home. Whatever -- I stand by my earlier scene. Also, I tried to wash my brain with bleach so I'd forget the abortion that was Desperate Housewives Season 5, so that's why I forgot about that. Anysnooch, she's home for lunch and wants to have a nooner with Mike, who's like, "Can I bring my sandwich?" Ha! Loved it.

Lynette's at home eating ice cream or cereal from a bowl resting on her pregnant belly, when all of a sudden, Gabby's at the door. Lynette panics and grabs the only bulky thing she can find -- a heavy parka. Hee. She tells Gabby she's wearing it, "Because . . . fur is murder." Hahahaha! Loved it. Gabby tells Lynette she talked to Crystal, who told her Lynette talked them out of moving to Florida. Lynette says she "merely pointed out the pros and the cons." Gabby says she needs to fix it, because she needs Terrence out of the state. Lynette's initial reaction: "Why? Are you sleeping with him?!" Ha! I'm sorry, but this episode is darn funny! Actually, you know what? I'm not sorry. I will no longer apologize for liking this show, darn it!

Gabby gives Lynette the skinny on her sitch, and Lynette's like, You want this guy out just so you won't have to home school your kid? Gabby: "Yeah, yeah, selfish Gabby, same old song, join in if you know the words." Holy crap, this episode is recapping itself! But . . . where will I go? What will I do? I'll just be sitting in front of ABC studios in a ratty coat and pee-stained pants, with a cardboard sign that says, "I'm not a bad person, I just need a recap" and asking passers-by if they can spare some sarcasm. Gabby is like, Lynette "are YOU sleeping with him?" Lynette breaks down and cries and Gabby hugs her, asking her why she's so emotional, and then Gabby feels the baby kick, and the jig is up. Lynette opens her parka to reveal her belly, and Gabby is super disappointed that Lynette took the position from Carlos even though she knew she was pregnant and would have to leave it soon, and she's especially upset because Carlos just started the company.

Now you're gonna have to stay home and...homeschool my brat! YAY all solved.

It's night, and Mike comes back home. Susan yells from upstairs, and Mike finds her in a black nightie on the bed. Mike's like, Ugh, no more! "I got nothin' left. When I hit my hand with a hammer today and cried, only dust came out." Ha! Of course, Susan thinks Mike's crying is sexy. Mike was hoping that tonight they could just cuddle. Susan's all, "You can say it. I'm a lousy lay." Hee. I'm gonna keep on saying it, this season belongs to Teri Hatcher (and I've never really been a Susan fan) and Eva Longoria Parker. Mike says he can't do it again today, and it's not Susan, it's just "basic biology." Then Susan tells Mike that he did it with Katherinsane 5 times in one day so he must hate having sex with her! Mike tells Susan that when that happened he and Katherine were snowed in at some ski place (um, you couldn't, I don't know, go skiing? In the snow? Because I'm pretty sure skis work in snow. I mean, I'm no expert, but I think you probably could have done that.) and they didn't have anything to talk about, so they just boned away. "Sex is all [Katherine and I] ever had!" he yells. Susan is worried, but Mike says there was no connection with Katherine (well, except for the connection of a penis and vagina. Five times in a row.), but they have, like, love and junk. Susan realizes how much of a fool she's been, and this is what, the 119th show, so this is at least the 113th time she's realized this.

Karl shows up at Bree's house in the middle of the night, but who should see Bree drag him inside? Angie, who's taking a bag of what I'm guessing is generic burn ointment from Costco out of her car. Oh, remember -- Orson's out of town. Karl says he may have a way to fast-track the divorce. So, Orson's still on parole, so Karl says if he violates his parole by, say, associating with a known felon, they can revoke the parole and send him back to jail. So all they need to do, Karl says, is get Orson in a room with some ex-con, take some pictures, and then . . . I guess bribe him with them. I thought they'd just show them to the parole officer themselves, but no. They're not taking the low road -- they're taking the road under the low road, Unbelievably Evil A-Hole Blvd. Karl says he deserves a kiss, and although Bree is a bit hesitant given her born-again-virgin clause, the high of blackmail and threats causes her to give into temptation. Meanwhile, Angie runs up to the upper deck (Bree has an upper deck? Has that always been there? Wait. Maybe that's Angie's house.) and sees them making out, silhouetted through the blinds. And THEN, Orson pulls up. This is turning into a British farce. Minus the British. And maybe the farce, I have yet to decide that.

Top o the mornin' to ya!

Angie gets on her cell phone, and calls Bree. Orson's inside by this point. Bree's cell rings from her bedside table, and Karl's like, "Don't answer that," because it takes very little for him to go from boner to flaccid, and he's kind of in a groove and doesn't want to lose it. Bree's phone goes to voicemail, Angie tries again, and this time Bree picks up. Angie tells her to get the man out of her room, Bree's all, "There's no man in my room!" And Angie's all, Uh, great, because your husband's home! Orson walks upstairs and . . . oh my. Um, Orson, honey? Did you borrow Bree's cardigan? It's okay if you did, there's no reason to be ashamed, but I just wish you would ask first.

It's always Easter in this house.

Orson enters the bedroom to find Bree in bed with pajamas on and a book, Karl's clothes shoved under the bed. Her phone's on the nightstand, but it's still on, so Angie can hear everything. Karl's on the Conveniently Built For This Episode Deck Outside Bree's Room, and . . . oh my god. Are you guys seeing this? Are you seeing Richard Burgi's perfectly sculpted chest? Because I am. I am seeing the crap out of that man right now, I can tell you that. I am seeing him nice and good. And, then we're back to Orson. Oy. He says he's coming down with a cold. Boy that guy just oozes virile sexuality, doesn't he? Then Orson's like, There are two glasses of wine downstairs, who was drinking the other glass, huh? Huh?! Bree's just about to try an explanation, when all of a sudden, Angie calls from downstairs (remember she could hear everything from the Conveniently Still On Cell Phone of Bree Hodge). Angie comes in, all, "Well, I go home for 5 minutes to toss some clothes in the dryer, and you've got a man in your bedroom." That Angie is one slick chick. Orson accepts this excuse, and goes downstairs for a glass of wine. Angie grabs Karl's clothes, hands them to Karl and says that he'll have to jump. Hoollld on a sec. Bree has a deck outside her bedroom that can only be accessed by climbing out a window? Me no get.

Bree thanks Angie, but Angie says that she did it for Orson. She's all, "I defended you, I told him you had too much class for something like this!" Bree says it's complicated. Angie tells her that it's actually simple: Pick one. Let me add: Make it Karl. We all loved Orson in season 3, didn't we? But this isn't season 3 anymore, and Orson? He's pretty much good-to-go. Bree says it's so hard to choose, since Orson is blackmailing her and the sex with Karl is amazing and he makes her feel like a natural woman. Angie tells her to end things with Orson and start a life with Karl, but then Bree gets all weepy and says, "Orson loves opera . . ."

WHO CARES?

At work the next day, Carlos comes by to see Lynette. She asks if Gabby talked to him last night. She didn't, but Carlos needs to talk to her. He says that he wants Lynette to run the Florida office, but she stands up and is like, "I'm pregnant." Carlos says he knows. Lynette says that Gabby told him, and then Carlos gets all weird and continues to act like a robot with a bad haircut and says, "Nope. I would have remembered if somebody told me something like that." Oookkkaaaay? Lynette says that he needs to send someone else to Florida, and she'll stay here. Carlos: "Except I need you in Miami. And I don't need you here. Not anymore." Geez. Lynette is all, You can't fire me if I'm pregnant. Ah, but see, Carlos is not firing you. He's offering you a promotion, and, he adds, "if you choose to turn it down and quit instead, I can't stop you. All I can do is say 'good luck.'" Damn, Carlos is cold, y'all.

Back at The Coffee Cup, which I'm guessing is next to Fairview's well-known eatery, The Restaurant Where You Eat Food, the crumby waitress is on the horn with her boyfriend, totally breaking up with him in front of Nick, who's the only customer. He's working on his novel, the one about the post-apocalyptic future where ficus trees have become sentient and are now masters of the human race. Sold! Art Student Waitress goes back to clean up.

Nick breaks out a pre-paid cell phone, takes it out of the package, and begins to dial. Um, maybe you wanna call the company from a land-line first? Set up your account? Geez. And who does he call with this magical, immediately ready-to-go cell phone? One Agent Padilla. Here's Nick's conversation: "Little memory quiz for ya. This is Black Owl. Damn, Chris, still sharp as a tack, huh? No, no, don't ask me anything, don't talk. This conversation will last less than 60 seconds, we both know why. I'm thinking about coming in. You interrupt me again, and I hang up. Now, here's what you need to think about. I don't care what happens to me, but I have to know she gets a pass. There'll be no further discussion on this until that is firm. Next time you hear from me, you will have an answer to that question, and it better be yes." Well, there goes THAT mystery. At least, part of it. And then he rips apart the cell phone. Uh oh, the waitress is back, but she says she didn't hear anything. She cleans up the table and says she wants to go home. But someone's looking through the window of the coffee shop from their car, and sees Nick and the waitress together (even though they're not doing anything). But this cannot be good.

Wait. That's not a Palm Pre, so how the hell did you get it in this town?

Mary Alice blahs again about The Coffee Cup. Where you can drink coffee. From a cup, in case you were confused. But tonight, there's a special discount for employees: A strangling! Yes, that's right, someone comes in, and right after the waitress says, "Did you forget something?" she gets the crap strangled out of her! Oh, dear. Did this show just become predictable? You be the jury. Cuz I'm the judge, beyotch. See you next time!

Next week: Ana returns, pregnant with Porter's baby. Lynette decides to move to Florida (this will be Felicity Huffman and Doug Savant's last episode). Katherine decides to move on from Mike, and goes for another married man -- Carlos. Susan and Mike travel to China to adopt a baby girl. And Gabby tells Juanita that she loves her and is proud of her. But of course none of this is true because there's no show next week! Gotcha! Happy Thanksgving, you guys! Have safe travels, over-eat, take a nap, and watch football and/or the parade and/or Meet Me In St. Louis, because that's what Thanksgiving is all about! (If you're not in America, then have a great next Thursday. It doesn't sound as good, but it's just as sincere!)

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