Author: bBitz

Welcome to a new season of “The Bachelorette”! My name’s bBitz and I’ll start by saying I’ve never watched a minute of these shows. In all honestly, I’ve given my best friend shit for years for pissing away endless hours on what I called a “whorefest”. But here I am now – dedicated to a [...]

Season finale time!

The Lesbians aren’t coming back any time soon – so it’s up to us to strap one on and dive into… “THE AMAZING RACE!”

Ms. Teen may have won the battle but she certainly fucked up the war.

Last week in the Seychelles we learned to never underestimate a man in a Stetson, never drink 7UP (apparently it makes you run slower, what?! crazy!) and when in doubt, screw the Lesbians! Why?! Cause this is “THE AMAZING RACE”!!! We begin in Malaysia where the Cowboys are the first to depart to their new [...]

Welcome back lovahs! Last week we learned that turtles may be slow but they’re amazing judges of character, if coconuts could speak they might’ve said “SUCKERS!!!” and 7UP now owns your soul. This week, according to the previews, there are snakes at some point. I can’t tell you how much I HATE snakes and I’m [...]

Welcome back everyone! Last week had us watching the “slower” teams fall apart and some really frustrating challenges. Personally, I blame the French. You know why? Because I gained 30lbs over the last couple of years eating nothing but Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast in protest of the French. SOMEONE had to do it. I’m [...]

Last week we all learned the Private Dicks are more prickish than dickish (just ask Team Zzzz), Team Big Bro has probably used all the “lucky breaks” they’ve had coming to them and finally, we should all be thankful that none of these people had a chance to fight against the Germans. Why? Because if [...]

Time for the Germany leg we’ve all been waiting for! How do we know when we’re in Germany?! Cause when lipstick goes from butch to bitch, you know you’re watching “THE AMAZING RACE” German-style! SHIZA! Our lovable Cowboys are the first to depart and discover they’re off to Hamburg, Germany! Yeah! They must be so [...]

Hey kids! Sorry for the delay… don’t be mad like, ya know, angry lesbians that might gut me and feast on my internal organs while I’m still alive. “But they’re just friendly lady lovers!” you might say. No. Maybe they once were but now they are Satan’s little muffin lovin’ children. WHY!? Because they’ve chosen [...]

Hey kids! Sorry for the delay… don’t be mad like, ya know, angry lesbians that might gut me and feast on my internal organs while I’m still alive. “But they’re just friendly lady lovers!” you might say. No. Maybe they once were but now they are Satan’s little muffin lovin’ children. WHY!? Because they’ve chosen [...]

Hey kids! Last week we learned that the lesbians are inherently evil, kuchen tastes better than it sounds and Willie Nelson was wrong… Mamas you should let your babies grow up to be Cowboys! Why? Cause they’re kicking ass on “THE AMAZING RACE”! Teams begin where they left off, in Chile. Our Cowboys are the [...]

We’re back and I must say I’m looking forward to this season more than previous ones! Last week we learned the season will be full of top notch morons, good-hearted souls and vindictively evil bastards. What a show! The leg starts off with last week’s first place team, Team Big Bro. They start off on [...]

It’s back everyone! The show that can give us faith in humanity and then promptly rip it away! Sometimes it gives it back again, but mostly it just stops and takes a bathroom break at the worst possible moment. (I’ll never let that one go.) Ladies and gentlemen… it’s “THE AMAZING RACE“!!! We begin in [...]

What’s up Gasmi?! bBitz here – I usually recap “Amazing Race” and am stepping in for an episode of the juggernaut that made Paula Abdul and consequently broke Paula Abdul… “AMERICAN IDOL”!!! (Oooh oh oooh oh oooh!) And because I play so well with others, I was asked to recap the infamous “Group Day” episode! [...]

This is it kids! The big finale! We’ve learned so much this season: never be a vegan on this show if you wanna make it past the start line, buying a $5 passport-holder might be worth it to win a million dollars, there’s nothing deadlier than a waterslide (especially if you’re dating someone willing to [...]

Welcome back everyone! Last week Team Master Race mastered yet another race, Ms. America was left hanging, the BroMos flipped over and out on each other and then stole Team Oreo’s taxi. OH. HELL. NO. Bitches gonna get served! Why?! Cause this ain’t the projects… this is THE AMAZING RACE! We start out at Prague [...]

Last week we learned that when you “candle-a-bra” you get “elimin-a-ted” and that someone’s gonna get their ass beat this episode! WHY?! Because it’s Amazing Race and somebody’s gotta get whooped! Teams start out in the marshes of Estonia where we left them and we see Team Master Race get the first clue – fly [...]

Welcome back to Amazing Race everyone! The leg begins where we left off – Stockholm! Phil reminds us it’s the birthplace of ABBA. OMG if they had an ABBA challenge that’d be AWESOME! Team BroMos would nail it.

Last week we learned to ask not for whom the bells tolls (cause GUUURRRLLL I just counted those mother f@$kin’ things 4 times!), that sometimes desperation and defeat are the best pokerfaces and never to mix penicillin with Mexican food (this was a more personal lesson). WHY?! Let’s just say there’s a reason Phil never [...]

Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay – little thing called “tonsillitis” and “the flu” hit the bBitz household this week and left wreckage. Good times. It could’ve been worse though. We could’ve been forced to go down a FRGGIN’ WATER SLIDE. That shit’s criminal. Luckily Phil got away with it though. Why? Cause it’s AMAZING [...]

Welcome back everyone! Last week we learned that Team Master Race is earning its namesake and Team Masshole… well, they also earned their namesake. Apparently it doesn’t pay to destroy, tear apart and kick shit all around the world. Even if it seems to turn Phil on. WHY?! Because this is… AMAZING RACE! We begin [...]

Previously we learned that if you make it through rounds and rounds of interviews and casting sessions and the first 3 legs of the race – you should probably know enough to HOLD ON TO YOUR @%&*$@! PASSPORT! WHY?!?! Because this is “AMAZING RACE“. Not “Amazing Race Around the Continental US”. Dan and Sam, the [...]

Howdy fans! Welcome back! Last week we learned that Marcy liked Vietnam so much she decided to stay there, apparently the Harlem Globetrotters really are quite the globe-trotters and Lance may quite possibly be the dumbest person on the show… ever. But it’s not just about brains – it’s about brawn too (“ROAR! Lance destroy [...]

Welcome back kids! Just to refresh – last week we learned that being a vegan-yoga-master means you can run a great race but you have to be bright enough to make it past the start. We also learned that a poker face may not be a pretty face especially if it’s in last place and [...]

Welcome back everyone! It’s time for the show that preaches worldly knowledge while its contestants practice worldly ignorance! I’m bBitz and I’m excited to be back for my 3rd season of this Emmy-award winning show! (Clearly because of my recaps.) Last season we learned that just because you’re deaf doesn’t mean you can’t win (well… [...]

Last week we learned the Chinese need to learn English so that Americans can win a million dollars easier, Cara can beat Michael Phelps any day (provided she doesn’t continue to swim like a sea cow) and the leg of the race is never over until Phil says so! Why? Cause it’s his mo-fo house [...]

Last week we learned that there’s no end to Jaime’s horrific-ness, Lil Guys came up a lil short in the end and oh yeah – all hell broke loose in the biggest fight on the show ever. Ladies and Gents, it’s now time to learn that life can be a bitch – especially if it’s [...]

Welcome back everyone! Last week we learned that Mai Thai Trannies sing in the key of “B-Flat” while Jaime sings in the key of “B-itch”, the dental program of Thailand thrives on reality show competitions, and the Lil Guys are apparently the biggest rule-breakers the show has ever seen! Now – this week – let’s [...]

Hiya folks! Good to be back after a week off! Since it was awhile ago, let’s recall what we learned on the last episode: elephants may forget about rubbing their taints on teams but we never will, Lil’ Guys are rule-breakin’ rebels, Jaime is satan incarnate and most importantly, a recipe for drama: 1 Bionic [...]

On the last episode we learned an old man’s wits outweigh his hemorrhoids, Lil’ Guys are big on luck, Cheerleaders made us give them an “F!” and give them a “U!” and the Flight Attendants showed us that you can do anything in life if you put your mind to it… except win AMAZING RACE. [...]

On the last episode we learned never to trust a gaysian, always wear underwear in Russia and drunken locals + flight attendants = awesome. So get your bottle of vodka and the nearest babushka – it’s AMAZING RACE time!!! Margie and Luke depart first and discover they’re all going to India! Jai ho! Once in [...]

Hey readers! I’m doing a quickie recap for last weeks so I can get this past Sunday’s episode up pronto! Let’s get to it! Last week – we lost quite possibly the dumbest player ever on the race, Amanda, and one of the hottest, Kris (Thanks Amanda – YOU SUCK.) We grieve but we must [...]

Last week we learned that Kris and Amanda should never procreate, Tammy needs to buy a Garmin so she can beat Victor in the head with it and being old doesn’t mean you can’t be a contender on the race – just that you can’t win it. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s AMAZING RACE! Teams start [...]

Welcome back kids! On last week’s episode we learned that believing that God has something better to do than worry about you – works miracles, hicks can’t always find their way out of the woods and that the real contest might be who in this group will become the show’s new “Dumbest Contestant EVER” (my [...]

Welcome back for another exciting week! Last we learned hicks aren’t always cuddly and lovable, there’s a good reason why people confuse Switzerland and Sweden – they both make shitty furniture, cheese can be dangerous even for those are aren’t lactose intolerant and just because you’re deaf doesn’t mean you can’t make 10 other teams [...]

Hooray! The start of another fantastic season of Amazing Race! I just peed myself in 12 different languages I’m so excited! For those of you who want a rundown of the teams – check out my previous recap for all the goods. Let’s jump right into it now! We start off with a shot of [...]

Welcome back kids! bBitz is back and it’s time once again to remember that 11 random couples + The World + 1 Million Dollars – adequate sleep + Phil = THE AMAZING RACE (and comic gold)! This season looks to be the most exciting one yet! They’ve shortened the amount of time on the race [...]