Author: DearCrabby

   Finally, a tetherball game I understand! Well, for a season finale of Toddlers & Tiaras, this was a bit of a snoozefest – I guess I keep hoping a pageant mom will finally get shivved at one of these things, so when everyone leaves alive, it’s sort of a downer.  Also, it wouldn’t kill [...]

Another banner day in the pageant world!  The International Fresh Faces heads back to Georgia for its Circus theme pageant.  “Beauties Under the Big Top” has NO rules for Circus Wear and no rules is what they follow.  What rule they should have followed is to steam out the wrinkles in that horrible backdrop.  First [...]

If you are wondering when to pack it in, the time was yesterday. The Cheetah-licious pageant of this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras comes to us from Quapaw, Oklahoma, home of the fierce and big-cat meowing pageant director Jill Worley.  This is actually a cute idea, based on a safari theme, and looks like they actually [...]

Despite the name “Cheetalicious” pageant, this Toddlers & Tiaras episode was pretty tame overall.  The director of this Oklahoma pageant tells us that things like “Safari Wear” is what is making better women for our future.  Future strip clubs, maybe. Now we’re not even hiding the fact these pageant girls end up dancing in cages! First [...]

Bringing the “Fiesta” theme to Charlotte, North Carolina is the Stars’n Glitz pageant on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Pageant Director Carla Smith makes up for her boring last name by wearing every accoutrement found in Claire’s Boutique and Forever 21.  It’s the kind of thing you do when you are 8, not an [...]

Get me a rabbi and some scissors, STAT. This Toddlers & Tiaras didn’t have too much drama, but it certainly had its share of oddities and special moments only those involved in pageants can provide us.  Amen.  The Stars’n Glitz pageant takes place in Charlotte, North Carolina, and the theme is “Fiesta.”  So, we don’t [...]

There’s no crying in pirating! It’s a “Glitzy Life for Me” Pirate Pageant is a great new theme here on Toddlers & Tiaras.  Pageant Director, frequent commenter, and Gasmii Virtual Drinking Buddy Tonya Bailey tells us that when she came up with this idea, she wanted it to be a fun pageant, not one with [...]

Yet another great episode of Toddlers & Tiaras!  We’re joined by our favorite pageant director, Tonya Bailey as she presents a totally awesome and new (for us) pageant theme, A Glitzy Life for Me – Pirate Pageant!  Finally, let the plundering of the totally cool skull and crossbones tiaras commence, mateys!  How can you not [...]

The California Tropic:  Under the Sea pageant takes us to Reno, Nevada for some interesting crazy this week on Toddlers & Tiaras.  Pageant Director Carol Fleming continues to try to convince her eyebrows to stop moving up her forehead and into the stratosphere as she tells us that you can’t just walk off the street [...]

Ahhh, back to the crazy with this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Pageant Director Carol’s eyebrows continue to try to escape her face as she presents the California Tropic: Under the Sea pageant in Nevada.   We already have a winner – no fair! First we meet 9 year old Jordan whose favorite trophy is [...]

It’s just too, too much! Here we are in horse country to see some horses’ asses on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Joining us is Michael Booth, Pageant Director of the International Fresh Faces: Kentucky Derby Pageant and I think he’s a total hoot and he’s totally holding out on us because he’s being [...]

This is one dedicated pageant dad. We’re still in Kentucky this week at the International Fresh Faces:  Kentucky Derby pageant for this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Pageant Director Michael Booth may be joining the Gasmii lineup of fun pageant directors at the bar as clearly he is a hoot and completely knows how to [...]

This is turning out to be a fantastic season of Toddlers & Tiaras thanks to the focus being put back on the idiotic, mean-spirited, poor-sportsmanlike, English-language-butchering “adults.”  This episode almost had a smackdown and damn if that isn’t something I’d pay to see. And how!  “Welcome to the Carnival” is the sign we see as [...]

Santa is a fat lazy bastard.

Guess Who’s Baaaaack?  Mrs. Ed! It’s remarkable how a show about kids has really turned into one about their stupid moms like with this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras.  And thank God for that, this was a good one!  This week’s South Elite Kentucky State Pageant Circus/Carnival theme is like opposite day with a chatterbox and [...]

Revisiting one of our fave Christmas recaps, DearCrabby style.

We certainly get a nice holiday buffet with this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  The Carolina Queen Pageant takes place in Columbia, South Carolina, and Tanisha Dorsey is our cruise director for the week.  She tells us the pageant consists of beauty and “icon wear,” where the girls dress up as their favorite icon [...]

Snausages! Thank you Santa for this fantastic episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  We head back to pageant land in South Carolina for the “Carolina Queens Pageant,” and lots of vicious competition. First up is the hilarious kid of the episode and her very subdued mother.  Little Mackenzie has a teeny bit of an ego and [...]

Let’s get started with this week’s mayhem and mischief of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Santa did not deny us any goodies with this episode as it brings in bratty kids, a freakish group of parents and one of our favorites, Pageant Die-rector Annette Hill! Who has really lowered her standards! Annette starts us out with “It’s [...]

GASMII!  IT’S BAAACK!  This season’s Toddlers & Tiaras kicks off with a retrospective of the most memorable moments over the past few years…how they kept this show to one hour is beyond me.  Let’s review this look back while the recap of the evening’s newest episode is coming soon! T&T:  Most Memorable Moments, Reviewed in [...]

They Mayans were right, the world ended on 12.12.12 at 9pm EST!  It’s the new season of Toddlers & Tiaras and is this a good one!  Lots of screaming and delusional parents.  Let’s get to the minicap of mayhem.   Once again Pageant Die-rector Annette Hill is hosting one of her Universal Royalty pageants, this [...]

The season finale of Toddlers & Tiaras brings us to Tennessee for the Beautiful Me: 50s Pageant.  Kids scream, slap and show off baby fat they shouldn’t have and moms whine, let their kids get away with murder and smoking (not sure which is worse), and come up with conspiracy theories that rival the JFK [...]

The season finale of Toddlers & Tiaras is the Beautiful Me: 50’s Pageant, something even the moms in the pageant may not even remember.  This one had a bunch of crazy but more in a fun-crazy way where although the moms admit to living their lives through their daughters, at least own up to their [...]

Hoooooly shit, let’s get this Toddlers & Tiaras party started! The Little Miss and Mr. Nevada pageant takes us to that bastion of royal ball cupping, Las Vegas! Pageant Director Tami Soudbakhsh (sounds like Succotash!) tells us this isn’t just a pageant, it’s a “pageant show.” Sure. Let’s get Homeland Security on this last name, [...]

Oh my freakin’ God was this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras fantastic! Moms/grandmas with wax faces, drag queens judging, spoiled brats not performing, twins who really aren’t they just look that way, a coach teaching her girls the EXACT SAME ROUTINE, Blue Man Group in miniature size, a hot pink Hummer based on an Essie [...]

Now THAT’S a crown!  I need to get one of these for my yard. Pageant Die-rector Annette Hill introduces us to this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras Universal Royalty Pageant, a Tribute to Motown! Yay whiteys who compete! “It’s all about old school glitz and glamour and Motown music,” she says. Or at least music that [...]

Toddlers & Tiaras takes a quirky turn this week with some odd parents and grandparents and a true denial of how good these kids really are. Luckily, Die-rector Annette is running the show and guiding us through the pageant where per usual, she is coin operated and excited about the “Mooo-naaaaay!” This pageant is a [...]

Like the Oscar’s pre-show, this Toddlers & Tiaras was definitely a Here Comes Honey Boo Boo pre-show but with fewer fashion mistakes and more denial. In keeping with the current Olympics, this is the Georgia’s Most Beautiful Girls – Going for Gold: Pageant Olympics, which leads me to believe that the Olympic committee will be [...]

I love it when a season comes together and Toddlers & Tiaras did just that this week! This is the Georgia’s Most Beautiful Girls pageant that has an Olympic category – but no torch since they don’t want to burn the hotel down! Wet blankets. Honey Boo-Boo’s best side! First up is our Honey Boo [...]

Boobs, boobs and more cone boobs! We head back north to the Garden State of New Jersey for this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Pageant Director Jonel Stanek tells us the Hollywood Stars Pageant & Talent will have kids from Hollywood to New Jersey in this pageant. Yeah, right. Somebody’s new to Toddlers & [...]

We’re back up north in New Jersey for the Hollywood Stars Pageant on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. The pageant director is taking things waaaaay too seriously as she explains things very slowly and clearly to us, like we aren’t all pageant pros just from watching this show.  WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! First up is [...]

And welcome to the Southern Living Dolls Out of This World pageant being held “in a galaxy far, far away in the land of glitz.”  Toddlers & Tiaras, where are your Emmys?  One of the intergalactic competitors now. Pageant Director Chasity Saunders is dressed as a glitzy alien with deely-boppers around her head as she [...]

Pull MY finger or my lawyer’s, I don’t care! The Out of This World pageant in Darien, Georgia is where this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes us.  Pageant Director Chasity loses all credibility by interviewing with deely-boppers bouncing all around her head while one of the TOP TEN TALENT AGENTS IN NEW YORK [...]

It’s the Miss Mardi Gras Pageant on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras! Frequent commenter and Pageant Director Extraordinaire Tonya Bailey joins us for the fun and craziness that only a southern pageant can bring us. Okay, fess up…who on the production crew goosed Tonya? Tonya tells us there’s nothing too over-the-top about this pageant [...]

The storm is coming, people.  T&T spinoffs never stop giving. We’re getting back in our groove with this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras…drama, idiots and the bastardization of the English language, just like we like. And Tonya with Bailey’s Pageants and the Miss Mardi Gras pageant! Loving the long hair, Tonya! First up is Tori [...]

Welcome back to another season of Toddlers & Tiaras! The California Tropic pageant is being held in Phoenix, Arizona, because Americans are just that good in geography. “International” Pageant Director Carol Fleming has high-in-the-back Jennifer Aniston hair and c-shaped high eyebrows that look drawn over her real ones. In an effort to look young, she’s [...]

If you’re like me, you had a big bowl of buttery popcorn ready to go for the season premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Once again, kids scream, noses are picked and moms are the real characters to watch.  This episode covers the California Tropic pageant in…wait for it…Arizona.   Guess it’s protocol.  My bad. All [...]

By PennyDreadful and Dear Crabby What career is open to someone who’s alcoholic, hates children and has absolutely no talent in doing hair or makeup? Hugs & Kisses,      Fransolonely Cutabitch TVGasm:  Why, doing hair and makeup for regional, little-kid beauty pageants!  How can you tell if the pageant industry is for you? Answer [...]

This is what happens to pageant girls when they age. Ugly faces, pissy judges and multiple personality disorders permeate this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Pageant Director and resident no-neck Linda Brown tells us that this Mississippi Sweet Pea Pageant has a luau theme, so we’ll see volcanos erupting (worked well for Peter Brady), fire [...]