Author: Flipit

This week, Top Chef taught us that it’s not safe to run with knives, France and Argentina are two different countries, and if you aren’t very pretty or worked out but you still want to act, learn Spanish.

Last week, Paula threatened to come after a reporter who suggested she drank, she tried to move the clouds with her garage door opener, and she spun around in a lot of circles without throwing up. Well done!! As if sensing that our heroin was looking like she was on heroine on national TV, Bravo [...]

Previously on Big Brother, Jen was an idiot, Eric spoke in morse code to America with his wackadoo eyebrows, and Amber cried and begged God to help the bump on her head from that darned tether ball to stop swelling. It’s all fun and games til’ someone gets head damage.

Micah Crazy Pants was sent home in the last episode, and I was seriously worried that I’d be bored not having that psycho energy around anymore. Well, shame on me for not having faith. If there’s not a fire, Bravo will light a match and start one. Did they reinduct Betty for another round? Nope! [...]

Think Charles is still in charge? Love Chachi as much as Joanie did? Have that fantasy where your ex-boyfriends come to your door to apologize for all their wrong doings and let you rip into them on national television? Then call VH1 and tell them they’re miracle workers as I present you with Scott Baio…is [...]

Previously on Big Brother, Jen WAAAAHed about her fugly picture on the wall of shame, the hot guy was covered in butter, and Kail proved that you don’t have to be able to properly speak the English language to run half a town. Tonight, Jen’s a dumbass, Amber gets dissed by God, and Daniele pigs [...]

I am not the kind of person who can just sit with bad news all alone in my apartment. I have to share it with the world!! Tsunami in the Indian Ocean? Call me! A new war brewing with Iran? Let’s have lunch! Oh, Paula! still isn’t cancelled? Call Mary Jane and get your butt [...]

As I recapped my first episode of this show the other day, I thought to myself “Why would Paula open her show with a falling down drunk episode? How stupid is this woman?” Well, as it turns out, she’s in good falling down drunk company. Nice work, bonehead! That was actually her second episode. Her [...]

I have a pretty busy Summer of recapping about to commence here at the ‘gasm, but when I saw the pilot episode of this show, I couldn’t resist throwing together a romp through Crazy Town for you. I found that it was pretty difficult to describe exactly what went down (nailing Paula’s English alone can [...]

Readers, we asked you to deliver, and deliver you did. We had a home run in our first group, the hilarious Bailey Quarters, who will be taking the reigns of Shaq’s Big Challenge starting now! You also gave your nod to Scuba and Noah, who wrote up formidable recaps of The Girls Next Door and [...]

Time for fireworks, swimming pools and weenies! July 4th? Nope. Tonight my friends, Bravo brought us loyal fans together to celebrate freedom. Not from Great Britain (that’s old news), but from another psychotic, neurotic, discombulatic freakshow. I’ll celebrate The Declaration of Independence next Wednesday. For tonight, The Declaration of Pack Your Knives and Get the [...]

HereKittyKitty did show up to work this week, but she was still so drunk that we had to lock her in B-side’s old office with bottles of Ibuprofen and Evian. Seriously, the woman is acting like a maniac. She’s been singing the “I Wear Short Shorts” commercial all morning. Alcohol is very, very bad. Anyhoo, [...]

For the next couple of weeks, we are accepting submissions from brand new smart asses to fill your days with ‘gasms. We put the word out and the submissions have been rolling in. Now it’s your turn to start voting, readers! THIS! Is Auditiongasm: Round One: Group One!!

HereKittyKitty didn’t show up to work this week because she needed to get her drink on, so I stepped in. I have been throwing Twinkies at my TV all season, and thanks to Kitty’s alcoholism, I finally have an outlet to release my rage. And now, for the five of you still putting up with [...]

Family barbecues can be wonderful. They can also be bloody hell. I guess it depends on your family. Mine chooses to go to restaurants. If we’re gonna spend uncomfortable time avoiding each other’s gaze, we’d rather do it with air conditioners and waiters. Stress and confontation is easier to deal with without sun and burnt [...]

The first episode of any reality competition is a bear to recap because there are so many new faces to get to know and rag on. The Season 3 opener of this show is no different, and as usual, the lessons are aplenty. This week, Top Chef taught us to always be on time, don’t [...]

Last week, the Sci-Fi channel threw a Battlestar Galactica Gives Back party in Hollywood. Unlike another show this season which I won’t mention (if I have to hear “This is My Now” one more time I’m stepping on a baby. I’ll do it!), we weren’t pressured into helping needy children or forced to think about [...]

It’s time for another season of Top Chef! Wait. No, not yet. First, we have some unresolved bs to hash out. How in the hell did a wack hack like Ilan WIN this thing last year? My blood is still boiling. And what ever happened to Tiffani from Season 1? Did she recover from her [...]

DEAREST TVGASM READERS, It has only been a week (or two, depending on your shows) that the ‘gasm has been in hibernation, and I imagine you’re wondering where your good times went. Nowhere! It’s summer, bitches!!! We’ve taken our week in the sun (you know that’s a lie, cuz my pasty ass can’t even begin [...]

I sit in up in my bed with two fresh packs of Marlboros, a bottle of Stoli, and a six pack of Diet Coke. OK, fine. And a catron of ice cream, a bag of pretzels, and a box of pizza. It’s a special occasion! Mary Jane even promised to swing by to complete the [...]

Tink stands in a dramatic ray of backlight and tries to make us understand the gravity of what we’re about to witness. They’ve seen ONE hundred thousand wannabes and are down to TWO. ONE plus TWO is three. THREE comes after TWO. TWO THREE. 23! It’s the sign of the devil! Someone save Jim Carrey [...]

For the first time ever, I’m shocked into silence. This is your brain. THIS. Is your brain on American Idol.

The show opens with the Top Three looking themselves in the mirror long and hard. They’ve beat hos, cake boys, faux rock and pony hawk to get here, but do they have what it takes to be the next Taylor Hicks? You decide. This is democracy in action. And THIS. Is American Idol!

Last night I knew something was amiss when the Judges couldn’t muster up anything nice to say after LaKisha’s version of “Stayin’ Alive”. I’ve braced myself all day, and am now almost in a drug induced coma. It’s like that movie where Sandy Bullock knows her husband’s gonna die in a car crash and she [...]

“You can’t kill the Boogie Man.” A little girl who saw her parents get murdered said that line on Heroes the other night and I raised my fist in solidarity when she did. You can’t kill the boogie, man. But the boogie can kill you (sorry it got your folks). There are only four Idols [...]

Tuesday night was one of the best shows of the season, with even the suckiest of the remaining contestants pulling off a good performance. Well, except for Jordin, but her screeching mess was way more entertaining than a home run. I snorted so much TrimSpa powder while I watched that I’m still awake, nervously awaiting [...]

In honor of Rock Night, I have a bottle of tequila, lines of crushed up TrimSpa, and a Sharpie tattoo shaped like a heart with a knife in it on my upper thigh. Over doing it a little? Maybe, but the sugar and holy glow from last week pushed me over the edge, and Rock [...]

This week’s very special episodes of American Idol have been so highly publicized that I actually felt different when I woke up this morning. Optimistic. Grateful. Hopefully, all over the world, people’s hearts are filled with the same charity, understanding, and love that mine is. I have called my Mom to let her know it’s [...]

Tink flies around the kids and asks us if we think our favorite will be safe. Then he stands next to a confused (“we’ve done this before…”) Sanjy and dead pans the audience. Rude! What the hell happened to you, glitter boy? Last night you were the Norma Rae for the tuneless innocents and tonight [...]

Fade up as Tink is slowly lowered to the stage in his darkest suit yet. Uh-oh. No music, no applause. Quiet on set! We’re feelin’ something here! The fairy says the show’s heart goes out to all those affected by the Virginia State Tragedy. Moment of silence. Thanks, Tink. The mood is sad, confused, and [...]

Bill O’Reilly won’t return my calls. I was the best intern I could be, but he has officially dropped me like a hot potato. Being the tricky dick that I am, I got in touch with my good friend Mike Wallace over at 60 Minutes and snagged one final interview. If finding out Bill’s one [...]

When I temped for a large publishing house in New York, I assisted the front desk receptionist, a gal named Debbie. Debbie was like a walking Encyclopedia, she could type over 100 words a minute, and knew every inch of the company, but unfortunately she was busted ugly. Grooming skills weren’t her forte, which shouldn’t [...]

This recap is already late so I am not going to waste any of your time with my bs (Family wedding. No internet. Kill me please). Latin night sucked it hard, so the producers decided to make tonight’s results show a full hour and fill our head with enough useless filler to make us forget [...]

Latin Night on American Idol is traditionally one of the biggest televised disasters of the year. Katrina beat it back in 2005, but just barely. Each Spring, a new batch of contestants smiles big, puts on their tightest, tackiest outfits and does their darndest, but they always overwhelmingly suck it when it’s time to spice [...]

One day after eleventh grade, I had to help out at my Catholic School’s Church running choir auditions because I got caught ditching PE to smoke some MJ under the bleachers. My job was basically to sign in the old ladies trying out and tell them where the bathroom was. Every single one of them [...]

I was at Starbucks when I first heard the dish. This old dude wandered into an apartment building with a cigarette, fell asleep, and lit himself on fire. Can you imagine? What was an old homeless dude doin’ in some random apartment building choking on vanilla ice cream and starting himself on fire? For a [...]

When I found out Tony Bennett was Guest Mentoring on tonight’s episode, I immediately felt awful about never being nice to seniors. To make up for it, I invited an old schizo from in front of the 7/11 over. I didn’t let him inside, but I threw chips off the balcony every once in awhile [...]