Author: HappyHousewife

Staaaahs

Can you believe we’ve subjected ourselves to 200 episodes of this?

Rock Week. Maks in leather pants. That is all.

Performance and Results all in one. Spoilers ahead-you’ve been warned.

In the round!

Now that Bolton’s gone, who is going to suck the most?

Week two-how much of a Predicament are we in for?

First week of sequins, bad dancing, and overacting. Heaven.

Back to work (?) in season 2.

The Challenge nears the end…and balls.

Who is the best dancing has-been of them all?

Semifinals Results: Miley Virus spreads.

Double the pressure, plus double the bad puns, double the awkward pauses, double the bad costumes, and double the fake boobs.

Poor, demure, sweet Pammy takes the hit (that’s nothing new, I suppose) and ends her shot at a career with clothes on.

Weepy Vagina has finally been eliminated-presumably to seek treatment for being such a raging douchaholic.

This week on Dancing With The Stars…oh my gosh, could it be? Could Shitler really be dethroned and sent on her saggy old mom butt back to Pennsylvania? And if so, Dear Amish people that live in PA-please kidnap her and conform her to your ways so we don’t have to see her anymore. Kthanxbye. [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: Results Show…We discover people are voting in record numbers, presumably to keep the donkey show that is Shitler on air and “dancing”. We can’t get off our asses to go vote for the Presidential Election, but we can sure send some texts to ensure you and your zombie [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: Results Show….Shitler is able to check off two more items on her “List of Things I Must Bitchcomplish To Take Over The World”…#47-Make America want to see my freakishly bad dancing nonskills enough to kick off a LIVING AMERICAN HERO and #13-Help my crappy nontalented reality talent show [...]

This week on “Dancing With The Stars: Week 2 Results Show”: Buzz survives the cut, only to be abducted by a bunch of dudes from the local nursing home, led by a greasy black-haired alien obviously here to seek revenge against our first Man On The Moon: The leader of the alien apocalypse is Uncle [...]

I was seriously hoping this would be the week that Simon would rip off his shirt, climb up on stage, makeout with Gaycrest, then cover his hairy moobs with baby oil and work a pole to the tune of “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”  To my dismay, this did not occur.  Want to find out [...]

This week on Fantasia For Real: Something exciting kind of actually happens! We finally meet the waste of DNA that is responsible for siring the Barrino clan! And for giving Fanny the ammunition to write this obvious best seller: Except for when you’re plucked from obscurity, given a record deal and fame and fortune, even [...]

With the scripted drama exciting reality show known as The Bachelor over for now, ABC has got a whole lot of time to fill….so you know what that means….it’s time for Dancing With Obscurity!!!! Buy one recapper, get one half price!!!

This week on Fantasia For Real: Fanny is attacked by raccoons! The Weenster acts like a baffoon! And Zion gets trapped in a balloon! (Not really, but it rhymed.) Sorry, dude, even implicating your kid in a nationally televised hoax is NOT enough to help you get a hit album.

This week on Fantasia For Real: Fanny and Ricco work on their own albums, while Teeny continues to be a blood sucking little twerp, and Fanny decides she wants to work toward her GED and get edumacated: High School Diploma: Because even Auto-Tune has limits.

Hello, my dearies!!!  You must have been good little troublemakers this week, because you get two HappyHousewife recaps for the price of one!  Whee!  Tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, American Idol: The Denver Auditions.  I’m super excited for this one, because Denver is a city near and dear to my heart.  It’s where [...]

This week on Fantasia For Real: To actually add some much needed entertainment to this, the lamest of all reality shows, Fantasia is asked to read something out loud. That’s just mean, y’all!!!

This week on Fantasia: For Real: The Hoodfather…Fanny, the Michael Corleone of the Hoodrat Family, deals with Rocco, her Sonny wanting to break out on his own; and also tries to bring Weenie back, aka, allow Fredo to come home from Vegas. I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse….

Disclaimer: As far as I know, no whores were harmed in the filming of these auditions. But with a word play like that, how could I resist? What’s up, lovies???!!! I’m fresh off a round of White Russians (“Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.”) and am ready to do this [...]

This week on Fantasia For Real: Fanny decides to get “tough” and not only bully her label into releasing her album, but finally grows a pair and kicks Teeny Weenie out. Damn, I broke one of my Lee Press-On’s smacking the shiz out of that fool.

This week on Fantasia For Real: we see what the world would be like if Lil Wayne was paid only in bong hits and food stamps, if Madea was really a woman, and what Fantasia’s life was like when she was really a star…. I was famous, I swear!!!!

This week on Dancing With The Stars: we are forced to find a way to go on after the sudden departure of Meth Face and Svetlana, who were the couple kicked off last week. Now even ABC is setting me up with the crackhead jokes. I love it.

This week on Dancing With The Stars: the final five “stars” get down to business with two dances each. Apparently, their business involves shiny plastic vaginas.

This week on Dancing With The Stars: In order to fill the two hours we’re allotted with only 7 couples remaining, we’re going to have a team dance competition! Should have named them Team Douche-o and Team Wango.

This week on Dancing With The Stars: With the threat of a double elimination looming, our dancers settle their differences by virtue of a dance war! Whoever originally said the quote, “Make Love, Not War” definitely did not have this in mind.

This week on Dancing With The Stars: The Flu Attacks. Mark Balls and Ken Doll are infected, Ken Doll overwhelmed to the point of temporary decommission. Will we ever be able to Paso Doble or Argentine Tango without our favorite Dancing Doll Action Figure? Replace the “F” with a “G” and the “LU” with an [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: Our couples will be assigned one of four never before seen dance styles! Lambada! Cheesier than porn! Bolero! What the eff is that? Country 2-Step! Get the soon to be released instructional video at Walmart! Charleston! Just for Donny Osmond! This is my excited face. You just can’t [...]

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! This week on Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami: Ho White confirms she is indeed knocked up, albeit with what may turn out to be the most famesucking Kartrashian of them all. The thing is still in fetal stage and already is grabbing tabloid headlines. I can only assume this is [...]

***And please, a round of applause for one of your two Auditiongasm faves, HappyHousewife with the final two epis of Kardashians!! This week on Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami: Apocalypse Now. The world is ending. A Kardashian is procreating. What a cute little baby, look, she has Mommy’s eyebrows!