Author: Hypnotoad

Up next on The Shitty: Adam and Allie are psycho and want Jay to move out so they can live together and keep being psycho; Erin and Duncan sort of break-up; Whitney insults Olivia to her face and it is awesome; Olivia wants Nevan to move out; and Jay has a serious (kind of) question [...]

Tonight on The Shitty: Olivia books Jay’s band for a hoity-toity shindig; Erin worries about juggling two guys; Nevan is an asshole. Get us the hell outta here.

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Money money money money. Money! Susan wants M.J. to go to a private school; Gabby wants to slim down; Tom finds out about Dave’s lies; Lynette gets a loan from Bree; and the countdown to a non-Sheridan DH has begun. Boo! Not OK!

Tonight on The Shitty: Things get after-school special-y when Kelly Cutrone accuses Allie of having an eating disorder, and the aftermath of said incident(s) has everyone up-in-arms. Erin runs into an old flame, JR, and may or may not have slept with him the first night she saw him, thanks to some damn sloppy editing. [...]

Tonight on The City: Allie doesn’t know whether or not to trust Adam when Cat confronts her about what happened, Olivia and Nevan are bitches, and Whitney’s barely in the episode long enough for me to hate what’s on her head. What’s that smell?

This week on The Shitty: Adam may or may not have cheated on his girlfriend Allie, Nevan moves in with Olivia, and everyone talks about how Adam may or may not have cheated on Allie. And then Allie scares the crap out of me with her eyes.

The City this week: Whitney goes out to lunch with some non-gay dude from DVF, which causes Jay to reach a milestone or benchmark or whatever in their relationship; Erin says bye to Duncan; and Olivia pouts. Straight guys? Boring.

This week on Desperate Housewives, Edie and Susan get locked in a basement, Lynette finds out where Porter’s hiding, Gabby deals with the girls on her own, Bree butts heads with her gay-son-in-law, and Mike and Katherine get closer. And this all sounds WAY more interesting than it actually is. Oh yeah, and I fell [...]

Tonight on The City: Erin and her Canadian boyfriend move to a new level (emotionally); Whitney moves to a new level (physically); Olivia and Nevan sink to new levels (evilly). And Jay and Whitney try to define their relationship. I don’t have another word ending in ly so just enjoy this pic of Olivia dressed [...]

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Porter and Preston get all Parent Trap-y with Lynette and Tom; Carlos and Gabby argue about money (what a wonderful and refreshing change for those characters!); Edie gets wind (kind of) of Dave’s crap; McCluskey and Roberta return . . . for 30 seconds; and in what is possibly the best [...]

Tonight on The City: Ex-potential boyfriend Alex gives Whit some bad news, which we then get to hear three more times as she tells various people; Jay and Alex almost duke it out; Olivia tries to be interesting; and we get to see the softer side of Kelly Cutrone. I know, right? It’s there. Just [...]

****OSnapp has found a rich old man to run off with for the winter, and will be back for the next season of The Hills. Please welcome your gorgeous and talented City recapper. You may know him from his Desperate Housewives recaps here at the gasm, or his nude pictorials in Playgirl. Hypnotoad! This week [...]

Tonight on the cutest, gayest episode of Desperate Housewives ever: Susan and Mike and Katherine have issues with MJ, Bree totally gays out, the Scavo clan has major issues, thanks to Porter and Dave’s big fat lie;, Carlos gets his sight back, and Dave reveals surprises that aren’t surprising. At all. I don’t really have [...]

This week on the 96th episode of Desperate Housewives, Lynette gives Anne the boot, Katherine reveals her secret to Susan, Bree overdoses on the Tylenol PM, Carlos may get his sight back, and Dave does a bad, bad thing. That’s what you get for having that picture in your house in the first place.

Tonight on Desperate Housewives, Lynette finds out about Porter’s little accident; Julie comes back and Susan’s not so happy with her new boyfriend; Bree acts perfect; Ms. Hildebrand can’t take a hint. And fire! Fire! Either that, or Dave’s gonna do some magic.

This week on Desperate Housewives, tension builds in the Scavo house as Tom and Lynette find out about Porter’s liaison, Mrs. Hildebrand tries to buy the Solis’ love, Susan finds out Jackson has a hidden “talent,”, Bree and Orson get down and dirty, and Lynette totally beats the shit out of someone. Why are you [...]

This week on Desperate Housewives, Carlos has the magic touch when it comes to the mom on Six Feet Under, Dave reveals quite a bit more about his mysteriousness, Porter has an interesting liaison, and Katherine has sex for the first time in 2 years. But best of all: Lily freakin’ Tomlin! I guess McCluskey [...]

Tonight on Desperate Housewives, it’s flashbacks, flashbacks, and more flashbacks as we go back in time to reveal that not much really happened in the past 5 years that we didn’t already know about. Did you know that Gabby had kids? And that Lynette and Tom fought about their future? And that Mike and Susan [...]

This week on Desperate Housewives, Juanita walks in on a naked and horizontal Carlos and Gabby; Jackson usurps Mike’s daddy power; Lynette gets funny drunk (yay!); Dave actually becomes a bit creepier (although his motives appear to be stupid); and Orson’s a big-ass baby. And . . . what’s this? Yup – I actually liked [...]

Tonight on Desperate Housewives, Danielle brings her family for a visit, MJ gets bullied, Lynette makes Tom feel like he’s worthless for the millionth time, and Mike makes Jackson his bitch. …and McCluskey tries to initiate a key party. Dirty ho!

Tonight (or today, if it’s daytime when you’re reading this) on Desperate Housewives: Jackson and Mike bond (but not nakedly) much to Susan’s chagrin; Gabby whines AGAIN about being poor and ugly, Lynette does something seriously icky, and Bree is pretty much a bitch to everyone throughout the entire episode. I’ll get you, Batman!

This week on Desperate Housewives, Bree is now Martha Stewart, Katherine is now bitter(er), Lynette is now Lynette, Edie is now back, Susan is now Gabby, and Gabby’s now “fat.” And still, people keep running over on time and robbing McClutzky of her bits. HEATHENS!

This week on Million Dollar Listing: Chad and Trust Fund fight like 7th grade girls. Madison tries to sell some land. Chad finds a house for a family friend and his mom creeps me out. Trust Fund spends time with granny and attempts to make the biggest sale of his life. In the end, all [...]

This week on Million Dollar Listing: Chad gets some bad news about Cuttino’s house. Madison, in the most boring segment yet, sells a house to some spoiled rich kid. Trust Fund, on the other hand, comes across as almost sympathetic. I know, right?! Let’s get started so we can get ended. When a fat stinky [...]

This week on Million Dollar Listing, Chad goes to Vegas, fights with Victoria, and meets the true daughter of Satan – Lauren. You will hate her. Madison helps a friend buy a house and deals with his sexual issues in a very After-School Special kind of way. Trust Fund helps people buy a house. I, [...]

On this episode of Million Dollar Listing: Chad and Victoria are celebrating their one-year anniversary and he has a surprise for her. Madison hires a new assistant and goes on a blind date. Trust Fund (nee Josh Flagg) breaks the law, and no one’s surprised. Some houses are sold, some houses are not, and I [...]

***Letter from the Editor: I received some reader requests for this show, and once I sat down to watch it I couldn’t believe that I needed a few emails to wake my ass up to the situation. I called up Hypnotoad, America’s Most Smartest Model recapper, and dragged him out of retirement. I assigned him [...]

Tonight on American Idol: Numerous corn montages. People sing. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are weird. Most are losers. I said most, not all. This guy’s awesome.

Toss a coin. I’d do em both.

Tonight on America’s Most Smartest Model, the last 3 head to Palm Springs for a photo shoot and about 30 seconds of 1-on-1 with Mary Alice, Angela once again reminds us of why we dislike her so much (over and over and over again), Ben Stein barely makes an appearance, and one “model” is eliminated. [...]

Tonight on America’s Most Smartest Model, Brett tries to pick up the pieces after the elimination of Pickel, go-karts are built rather shabbily and then raced in a medium-speed, minimal-tension race, a rotating car throws everyone off their game, and a surprise elimination decision surprises people. Because that’s what it’s supposed to do. Surprise! The [...]

This week on America’s Most Smartest Model, the alliance continues, another ridiculously pathetic attempt at a runway show occurs (which Angela excels at, much to the audience’s annoyance), Andre works well with a team for once, and the Brokebackian relationship of Pickel and Brett is put to the test. Get me a DumDum. I’m bored.

This week on America’s Most Smartest Model, A night out turns into a challenge, Aussie Rachael drinks too much, and Daniel drinks WAY too much and freaks the hell out in what has so far been the highlight of the show. Also, the “models” pose with animals, an alliance is formed, and Angela reminds us [...]

Tonight on America’s Most Smartest Model: Daniel is partnered with Blonde Rachel for a make-your-own-fashion show (could that decision come back to haunt him?), Santino Rice of Project Runway, some hairstylist from VO5, and someone else you’ve never heard of before guest-star, and not one, but TWO surprise eliminations leave everyone . . . well, [...]

You’re getting verrrry sleeeeepy…. This week on America’s Most Smartest Model, Jim Morrison teaches high school biology, Blonde Rachel goes all Charlotte’s Web on us when it comes to fetal pig dissection, Andre tattles on not one, but two housemates, VJ makes steady gains on his evilness campaign, which may pay off in the end, [...]

This week on America’s Most Smartest Model, the “models” have to do science fair projects with Bill Nye the Science Guy, who turns out to be weirder than you remembered, nerds fill a much-needed void within the show as they submit themselves to shaving and a liberal supply of homemade tanning lotion, and Jesse accuses [...]

This week on America’s Most Smartest Model, the fat guy cries, the Russian guy spits, and the toothpick with the bowling ball head kicks. Just another day in paradise. Uh-oh, who called pierogis disgusting?

***We’ve searched high and low for the bestest recapper for this show, and finally found our boy. Please give a warm round of applause to the newest (thinnest, hosttest, and most gorgeous) member of the Gasm clan, Hypnotoad! Previously on America’s Most Smartest Model, Slavco and Jamie were eliminated in the first 5 minutes. Like, [...]